12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief - Day 12
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Leaning Into the Pain of Christmas Grief
Well, here we are. Christmas Day. If you are in deep grief, this moment confronts you with a hard choice, a choice that you must make within the context of your own circumstances. Perhaps you've already decided to avoid
For wisdom in making daily choices in this foreign land of grief, we eavesdrop on an ancient conversation. It's in this verbal exchange that God gives the mother of all gifts to Abraham and everyone in Abraham's family (which includes you if you are a child of God). To begin to understand the deep emotion of this moment, reach back into your own treasure chest of memories and recollect the delight and joy you experienced when you gave your loved one a priceless gift. That's how we imagine God felt when Abraham began unwrapping this precious gift placed in his hands by the very heart of God. Abraham was not seeking God and we think he was a moon worshipper. In this unique conversation (Genesis 12:1-3) God says (my translation), "Abraham, you're my child now. I chose you. From this moment on, I am binding you to me, I will walk with you. As we walk through life together, I will teach you what it means to be my child. When you are faced with difficult choices and painful circumstances, remember this. I am with you always. I will bless you. You in turn will be a blessing to others. Through you I am creating a community, a family with more people than you can count. You will be a blessing to others and this covenant community will be a blessing to many because of my Presence."
So what does this have to do with my life choices? Or what to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Sharon often said that when Mark went to heaven, he took her mind with him. She couldn't think straight and to this day admits she has trouble making quick decisions. But God did not leave either of us without a grid through which to push life decisions. In Galatians Paul declares, "If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."
Our decisions start with this truth: I belong to Christ. That makes me Abraham's seed which means I am part of the fulfillment of God's promise to build a huge family from the seed of Abraham. Therefore, the same promises He made to Abraham are part of my eternal inheritance. Every promise God made to Abraham belongs to me and to you if you know Jesus as your Savior. What are those promises? God promises me His Presence, that He will bless me, that I am part of a covenant community (spiritual family). It's in that family that I will experience blessings and learn how to be a blessing. Because of these promises, we look forward to being with our church family on Christmas Eve and family on Christmas Day. We know that being with them will nourish our souls and encourage us to believe that God is sovereign and we can trust Him. It's because of God's promise to make me a blessing to others that we choose to celebrate Christmas with loved ones rather than isolate ourselves in sorrow. These choices are sometimes difficult when our spirits are overcome by longing for Mark, but choosing to walk by faith in these moments often soothes our souls and supernaturally restores our hearts.
Stop for a moment and let this truth sink in. In the middle of your deep grief, daughter or son of the King, when you are so afraid of the future that you can barely breathe, so terrified of another phone call or knock on the door that could change your life forever, listen to the words God speaks to you through the promises to Abraham. Trace this promise throughout scripture:
Isaac, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Jacob, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Joshua, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Gideon, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Jeremiah, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Paul, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
And Jesus to His disciples as He descended into heaven,
Do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Each one of these individuals had genuine reason to be
The book of Hebrews was written to frightened believers who were ready to give up. The writer uses every truth possible to encourage them to trust God with the unknown and in the last chapter he proclaims,
God Himself has said, 'I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any way or degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down, relax my hold on you. Assuredly not! (Hebrews 13:5, Amplified)
However you are spending Christmas, set aside time to reflect on this great gift of Christmas Presence. Ponder that first Christmas, the joy God experienced when He unveiled the fulfillment of His promise to Abraham, when He wrapped up His Son in the package of human flesh and delivered Him through the body of a young girl. And realize that He was thinking of how much you would need the reality of His Presence as you walked by faith in the Land of Grief. Give yourself permission to laugh, to share memories. Lean into the pain of grief and as you weep, listen for the whisper of God,
We also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites we have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles
With much love to all,
Sharon and Chuck Betters
of the holiday, the lights, decorations, the anticipation of a white Christmas and our house rang with Christmas music as soon after Thanksgiving as possible. We enjoyed the special times with friends and family during our Christmas Eve Open House but we especially loved our Christmas Eve communion service. From the first year of our marriage Sharon and I had shared communion on this night of nights and it seemed to seal the life-driving force of Christ's calling. 
An act of compassion leads one young woman toward her life's calling while her family is led on an inspirational journey of faith. 
will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
hugged by God at Christmas. Our son, Mark, was a drummer, a very good one for a sixteen-year-old boy. That first Christmas without him, we bought each of our children a Lenox drummer boy and that began my tradition of looking for just the right drummer boy ornament or decoration. One year a few days before Christmas I stood in the Christmas display of a popular department store. I had almost hit my limit of Christmas trappings and was about ready to give up finding the traditional ornament. I took a deep breath and looked one more time. Ah! There it was. Perfect. Then came the tears that refused to stay behind my eyes. Oh, how I wanted Mark. Oh how I missed him. And then in the background I heard the music. The Little Drummer Boy. But never had I heard this jazz version. I knew God was sending me a hug with the song but then I felt as though I heard Mark with his characteristic grin say, "It's a little weird being the drummer boy but if I were playing that song, this is the way I would play it!"
Did Mark really speak to me? Perhaps not. But for certain God did. That treasure was just enough to free my soul to enjoy the next few days, remembering that He is sovereign and I can trust Him to give me new mercies every morning, designed to remind me that He is the Lord my God, the One Who calls me by name.
public humiliation as well as being stoned to death. No one would ever believe her conversation with the angel, or the possibility of her becoming impregnated with the Son of God while remaining a virgin. She would lose favor with her family and friends. And, how could she ever convince Joseph of the truth of what had really occurred? Yet, without debating God and in blind faith, Mary was still willing to risk everything, including her life when she declared: "Let it be, Lord."
That hope and transformation extends to each child of God today. Is your heart in despair, broken by deep loss? Are you messy, suffering the consequences of your sin or the sins of others? Have people you love unfairly rejected or hurt you? Do you long to see God's amazing grace reflected through your acts of mercy ministry? The lives of these women will encourage, equip and energize you to experience and reflect redemption in ways you never dreamed possible.
Chuck reminds me that my root problem is grief. I miss Mark. Over fifteen years after Mark's accident and the freight train of sorrow still surprises me with its ferocity and power. 
Grief is hard work. And fighting the natural longing for what was requires powerful energy. Sometimes the best weapon is to acknowledge your inability to break the ache in your soul for the one who is missing. And then armed with that truth, tackle the tasks of the day, sowing seed while weeping, believing that such obedience will one day reap joy.
daughter, Heidi, shares some of her experiences in raising our grandson, Cori. Cori is now in the Navy and every time we gather as a family, we miss his presence and look forward to his return. He's a strong, young man with a bright future, deeply missed by his brothers and sisters. Perhaps Heidi's hard-learned lessons will help you avoid some of the pitfalls of raising a child whose heart belongs to another. 
seem insignificant to others was often a priceless treasure, designed by God just for me. The purpose of the treasure was not to take away my deep grief, but to remind me that my Father in heaven is the LORD, the God of Israel (MY God) and that He calls me by name. In these treasures I saw His omnipotence, His awesome otherness, so seemingly far removed from me as the Lord of Lords. And I also saw His intimate closeness to my heart, so close that in the billions of people on earth, this God of all gods, calls me by name. The treasures were often words written many years ago by writers long dead. Yet the words were a personal response to questions or comments I had just written in my journal. I KNEW that God was whispering my name, holding me close, letting me see His deep love for me. Sometimes the treasure would be a found priceless memory of Mark, like birthday letters he had written to his dad and me the year he died. And I could feel God's arms wrapped around me, whispering my name, reminding me that though I didn't understand why our son was gone that God knew my broken heart needed that touch from the One who is sovereign and calls me to trust Him. Bev shares such a story with us and as I read it, her experience took me back to those precious moments when God sent me specially designed treasures that reminded me He is my Lord, my God, the One Who calls me by name.
treasure my mother had given me a couple of months before she died. We couldn't find it in any of my usual hiding places. In every closet, under every bed, in the attic among the Christmas decorations, mom's beloved Dresden from Germany was nowhere to be found. I thought I had placed it in a "safe place". I was plagued with the vision of myself dropping it from our porch into the empty garbage can and hearing the crunch of it breaking. I winced and shrugged at the awful noise, and I slammed the lid down on the garbage can and went inside. Had I really done such a thoughtless act? Was I so exhausted from the week that I would throw away the very precious gift that was my mother's favorite treasure? As a teen with many tasks in our home on Saturday, it fell to me to thoroughly and carefully, and with tender care, dust the Dresden. I was mesmerized by it's delicate beauty. Now, it was gone. I had accidentally thrown it away. I prayed for
God's forgiveness, and I prayed mom would forgive me for unknowingly discarding the lovely set that held such sweet memories for her. 
reminded me of His grace. I had given up hope of having this connection to my mother, concluding my own carelessness had robbed me of her gift. But through God's unexpected mercy He revealed that I hadn't been careless and could be trusted with such a treasure. So many life lessons swirled through my mind as I reveled in His love but mostly I thought of the beauty of God's unmerited favor in surprising me with the gift of His Son as my Savior 37 years ago. He made himself known to me and, undeserving, I reached out, to joyfully learn about this dear Jesus from heaven above who was born into this needy world, to save me from my ugly sins, to teach me about Himself and His Father, to have fellowship with me. And since receiving that priceless treasure, He has trusted me to share His message of redemption, forgiveness of sins for the vilest of sinners, and His hope to the broken-hearted.
to face the needs of those around me. 
propaganda about the perfect toy, the perfect diamond ring to prove your love and the perfect food for the perfect, warm fuzzy family celebrations! 
in heaven. Surely God had treasures for me in this most awful, terrible, yet precious time of the year. 
Adapted from Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart
accident. On our way home from the hospital, Chuck grabbed my hand and barely whispered, "Christmas, how can we ever celebrate Christmas?"
his performance and then patiently counting out his steps, "Left, right, left, Kick!" Every time Mark listened, the ball soared and a big grin turned his anxious face into one of relief and hope. 
baby blanket, pretty sure the manufacturer's claim was bogus but willing to take the risk that our coming grandbaby would crown this as her favorite possession.
physical description as unattractive and repulsive. Yet like Caleb's addiction to his ugly blankie, those who know Jesus intimately hunger for His touch and long for the security of His love. Caleb's attachment is rooted in his experience, not in its appearance. 
and her by her ex spouse, the only time she wept was when she spoke of grace and God's mercy toward her. I was moved to my own tears when instead of condemning her unfaithful husband, she pointed out her own sinful nature and that she is grateful that God protected her from committing the sin of adultery because she knows she is capable of such sin.
children learned to do. It won't be easy. In fact, I think it's impossible without the supernatural grace of God. But then, if God commands, He also equips. So before you say you can't, prayerfully ask Him to give you strength to obey this command:
hearing me say it but I know every woman struggling to feed her family knows the truth of these words, "I don't know how the girls are feeding their families when I see the rising cost of food. $9.99 for a pound of sliced deli meat (which I absolutely will not pay!) , $4.00 for a gallon of milk, $2 - $3 for a loaf of bread....how are they doing it?"
songs described a guy's love affair with his automobile! We used a credit card to buy furniture. Yes, it was the Sears special that included a sofa, love seat, chair, coffee table, end tables and lamps. What a deal! But we went into debt to do it.
uncertain times? And more importantly, where are you going to soothe the panic you are feeling over the economic crisis? During the most difficult times in those early years, I would enter the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes and pray that God would make us winners, promising we would use the left over money after all bills were paid, to build His kingdom! That gave me hope for about two minutes! Where are you placing y our hope and how are you teaching your children life principles through these circumstances?
Sue's story and some key points that I hope will encourage women who have suffered this betrayal. I was deeply saddened to learn that 60% of married couples will be impacted by the anguish of this great sorrow. It is one of the last secret sins that the church finds difficult to address. In fact, when Chuck preached a series of sermons titled
Those of you who have never experienced adultery may think I am being hard hearted, unreasonable, and unrealistic. God's Word is just as hard. Read Proverbs 5, 6, and 7. Hear the father pleading with his son to stay away from the wayward woman and to turn toward the wife of his youth. This father is explicit in the downward spiral of adultery. The end is death. 
Katie asked me why I wanted her to come over by herself because usually if I have one grandchild, I invite the rest of them to visit so they can have time together. I decided to tell Katie the truth. "We haven't had much time together this summer and you're growing up so fast. I don't want you to run by me. I miss you!"
our time together, I read, "Future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn, for he has done it." I knew that God was reminding me that the most important and precious "task" for that day was my time with Katie. Katie might think we were just scrapbooking. But some day she will understand that the special moments with Grammy helped lock into her heart the power of family and legacy. She doesn't understand now that the gift of Cousins Camp, a week at the beach with the entire family, is not given just because we all love the beach. She doesn't know that because of these special family times, one day Katie and all the cousins will make sure that they plan extended family gatherings for their children, our great grandchildren, those yet unborn, because they cherish the memories of Cousins Camp, Sunday spaghetti dinners and sleepovers at Grammy and Grand Dad's, shopping trips, baking Syrian bread, making grape leaves, setting the table for holidays, picking tomatoes, snuggling as many cousins as possible on Grammy's lap for a story or watching a movie. Someday they might realize that while they were spending time with Grammy and Grand Dad, God was helping shape their worldview and planting seeds of wisdom that fell from the fruit of Grammy and Grand Dad's life journey into their hearts. And slowly but surely they will realize that the underlying purpose for all of these special times was to create a safe place for our treasured grandchildren to see Jesus and experience Jesus.
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Some people prefer privacy in their grief, but for us the constant flow of friends to our home satisfied our need for a physical expression of God's love. We needed to see their tears, feel their hugs, see the agony in their faces. Beautiful flowers and plants reminded us of the beauty of our son - now serving God in heaven. Parents who had lost children stepped back into their own pain to give us hope. Friends helped clean Mark's room and were with me when I found his prayer journal, further affirmation of his walk with Christ.