Posted At : August 3, 2011 12:49 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Conflict

I was ready to bail on Facebook. Every friend I have nods when I declare how much time I seem to waste checking out posts and browsing pictures. On the other hand, I love how it connects me with the ongoing lives of friends I never get to see. I love how I can pray more specifically, or even know about a prayer need. But still, it seems that Facebook along with other social media has caught us off guard and we're reaping a harvest of hurt feelings and even broken marriages as people try to navigage this brave new world of social networking. Another friend noted that she thinks she should sing, "I must tell Facebook" instead of "I must tell Jesus." She observed that she seemed to be depending on her Facebook friends to satisfy her emotional needs, often experiencing hurt and disappointment when they didn't come through as expected. Her comments stopped me short. Then I saw this review of a new book that focuses on how Facebook and Social media are changing how we think and adding stress to our lives. I haven't read the book but based on the author's description, I'm thinking it might be a good read. If you have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, these observations might help you identify some areas you need to clean up and renegotiate with your spouse and friends. I personally decided to give Facebook another chance to prove its worth when many friends responded to some medical good news I posted. It was a fun way to be encouraged. But, still, I might just buy this book

Five Facebook Fights in Marriage

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : August 1, 2011 9:46 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

Our pastor son, Dan, posted this link on Facebook with the comment, "Every man has been waiting for this since we know we don't measure up." That comment and the title, Beware Romantic Pornography grabbed my attention. Even though I was running late. And even though I am still running late, I had to post a link to this article because I fear that many women have bought in to fantasy of romantic comedies and as Betsy Hart, the author warns, romance pornography.

Ok, please don't get the wrong imporession. I enjoy some chick flicks and every once in a while my husband will do me the honor of watching one with me. Of course, at the end, he has to comment, "Yeah, chick flick." Even if he might be wiping a few bits of moisture from his eyes. But I'm thinking the author of this article is on to something that we as women must seriously consider. When was the last time you watched a romantic comedy or sitcom where the man was a godly man, one who didn't need the woman to teach him how to step up to the plate of manliness or how to get in touch with his inner self? I have the privilege of talking with lots of young women and many times their view of manliness and godliness in a man as well as romance is so far outside the realm of God's Word as well as reality. Something has influenced them to long for a fantasy man regularly depicted in romance novels and comedies. Unless they have a course correction, their husbands will never meet their expectations, no matter how much he loves Jesus or tries to conform to the image of God. I can't say it any better than this author. Please read and consider if your marriage might be less than your heart's desire because your heart's desire has been warped by a skewed view of romance and true godliness in a man. Here's the link.

Beware Romantic Pornography

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : July 12, 2011 10:18 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Four out of the 10 most popular posts address moral temptation and how to avoid adulterous relationships. Statistics and surveys reveal that high numbers of women struggle with moral temptation including pornography and online inappropriate relationships. High numbers of women who say they are committed to living a godly life succumb to the strong tempation to rationalize dangerous friendships outside their marriages as God-ordained ("This man is so kind and encourages me in my faith. He trusts me with his inner struggles and he's wrestling with his faith....he's searching for spiritual answers....I'm leading him to Jesus.....I can't turn my back on him..."). If the statistics are true, and I believe they are, women in the pews are no different than any other women. We can't pretend Christian women are immune from moral temptation. We must offer help and hope to women who are using inappropriate means to meet appropriate needs and desires. The enemy's MO hasn't changed. "Surely God wants you happy, doesn't He?" If you're teetering on that slippery slope, I'm yelling, "STOP! Turn around! You're heading for disaster." I mention a new resource at the end of this older post, Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption. It's available for free online.

Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption

Ten Most Popular Posts - #4 - Fighting Moral Temptation.

Fighting Moral Temptation

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : July 3, 2011 5:42 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Eighteen years ago July 4 was on a Sunday. We celebrated Communion during the worship service. Our sixteen-year-old son, Mark, sat on one side of me and seventeen-year-old Daniel sat on the other. I rubbed their backs as they bowed to pray before taking the elements. What was in their minds? Was this a special moment with the Lord or were they thinking about our cook out plans and getting together with friends for fireworks later?

At a recent outdoor concert followed by a fireworks display, Dan told me the night reminded him of July 4, 1993, one of his last nights with his brother. His comment took me back to seeing our kids, their cousins and friends in our driveway, deciding who would ride with whom and where they would meet up. We had just finished a 4th of July barbeque that included both sides of our family, lots of cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Within minutes the loud laughter and story telling subsided as different family groups left to watch fireworks in their own neighborhoods. Chuck and I declined all their invitations to join them, saying we would watch the neighbors mini-displays from a blanket in our own backyard.

While the neighbors illegally set off their fireworks, we reminisced about the "laughter in the walls" of our home and wondered what the next year would bring. Deep contentment and joy soaked our souls. No one, no one could have known that within 48 hours, our lives would be forever changed. Our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, would die in a car accident ten minutes after they left our home.

The train of grief is coming, The vibration of its thundering speed and the faint, lonely whistle in the distance warn me. Yes, it is coming. I know it is useless to try to outrun it. Yet, I have learned over the past 18 years that the train can also bring strange comfort and treasures. Within the past week, a special friend that didn't know Mark told me that she starts praying more for us at the beginning of every July and that at a recent worship service, she thought about Mark and wondered what part our drummer son might have had in the worship band. Another young friend who attended school with Mark, starting in preschool, shared a funny story that I had never heard. Mark's cousins told me a story that made me laugh and they reassured me that they think of Mark a lot. The coming train gives them courage to mention his name.

Every time we celebrate Communion, I think about July 4, 1993, and I wonder again what Mark was thinking about that last Sunday we worshipped together. The approaching train of grief drives me to search for meaning and to watch for treasures of encouragement that will help me withstand the power of the anticipated collision.

Today I remember how Jesus thanked God for the bread and wine at the last meal He would share with His disciples, knowing a cruel death awaited Him within hours of that meal. Picture the peace He displayed as He thanked God for the provision of sustenance, His disciples not realizing the thanks was an act of surrender to God's purposes for Him. I picture myself at that table and Jesus looking into my eyes and firmly exhorting me: Do this in remembrance of me. He knows my circumstances,my anguish, my longing for what was. Yet my big brother reminds me that thanking God for the blessings He gives us, no matter the darkness, and perhaps especially in the middle of the darkness, helps equip me for whatever may be coming. Jesus thanked God for blessings in the middle of anguish and by thanking God, He surrendered to God's sovereign love. Thanking God recognizes that He is our Refuge, Rest, Rescue and Rock. He is giving me the secret for surviving the coming collision.*

The train is coming. But the train will not destroy me for I am learning to thank God for His provisions, His blessings and to surrender to His purposes.

The train is coming. But I am not afraid.

In His grip, Sharon

* I am grateful to author, Ann Voskamp, for sharing this insight in her book, One Thousand Gifts.

Posted At : June 27, 2011 8:31 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Prayer

The older I get, the more critical the power of prayer is becoming. As time marches on, we have lost some of our older prayer warriors because of death. In this post I describe some of them and once more their lives inspire me to pursue an intimacy with Jesus through prayer. Perhaps one reason this post is in the top five is because there is a longing in the hearts of many to become a prayer covering for others.

Most Popular Post #5:

A Hole in Our Prayer Umbrella

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : June 17, 2011 10:48 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Family

A friend, Tammy Maltby, posted this link on Facebook and I cried as I read the article and I have a terrific father. I am praying for all of my friends who have no idea of what a father's love looks and feels like. I hope Bonnie Gray better known as The Faith Barista, will touch your heart in a way that transforms your view of fatherhood and helps you know that when you know Jesus, you do have a Father, who loves you the same way He loves our big brother, Jesus.

Fathers Are Worth Remembering Even If You Don't Have One

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : June 6, 2011 12:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

This post on Valentine's Day generated some spirited comments from a few readers. I think Sherry got to the bottom line pretty quickly - it's all about expectations. While I get the "love languages" train of thought, I have concluded that many women may need to learn how to give up their need for their love languages to be satisfied and instead, give their husbands freedom to express love their way - and be content with the man God has given to them.

Ten Most Popular Posts - #6

Loves Me, Loves Me Not

We don't need Valentine's Day to express our love - surprise your husband by loving him today in a way that he doesn't expect!

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : June 1, 2011 10:22 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Suicide

I think this post has attracted so much attention because suicide creates such despair and hopelessness for the loved ones left behind. When faced with such despair, we must go back to what never changes where we find help and hope - God's Word. I hope the resources highlighted in this post will continue to offer that help and hope to those called to be God's promise keepers through biblical encouragement.

Most Popular Posts #7 Suicide and Encouragement

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 31, 2011 9:49 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Arnold Schwartzenagger, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Dominique Strauss Kahn, John Edwards, the list goes on. Men in power who violated their marriage vows by betraying their wives with other women. Such headlines titillate our senses and people can't get enough of the details. But the biggest question we ask is often, "Why?" They appear to have it all and yet it appears they risk it all in order to satisfy their own sexual appetites. Every time a powerful man falls is an opportunity to examine our own lives to determine where we might be salivating over forbidden fruit and rather than turning away, getting as close to the scent and taste as possible. If that's where you are, you've already lost the battle.

Most Popular Post #8 -

Infidelity Why?

In His grip, Sharon

If you are someone you know is involved in an adulterous relationship or is trying to restore a broken marriage impacted by adultery, this resource is for you. Click the link for a free download or order a CD.

Posted At : May 30, 2011 8:18 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Change

This post continues to get the attentoni of blog readers, perhaps because the title offers the key to becoming channels of compassion in our relationships to others. What happens in our personal relationship to God flows over into our interaction with friends, family and co-workers - our "neighbors." These posts are based on Jay Adams' book of the same title. A little book with a powerful punch. Very, very practical application of scripture to daily life.

Most Popular Post #9 Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor, Week 5

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 27, 2011 8:42 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

After I posted the top five of the most popular Treasures of Encouragement blogs, a friend suggested that I post one at a time, starting with #10. In this culture saturated with Twitter updates and quick sound bytes (how many of us will read a Facebook status that is longer than three sentences?), posting five links in one blog was a pretty dismal idea.

So, over the next couple of weeks, I'll post a countdown of the Ten Most Popular posts with a brief follow up note on why I think each one is in the top ten.

Drum Roll Please!

And #10 is Old Flames and Facebook

You'll notice a lot of interest in how to navigate social networking and maintain integrity in marriage. Statistics keep coming in about how social networking liaisons often lead to inappropriate personal relationships, emotional adultery and secret trysts that result in broken marriages, and long term anguish. Social Networking isn't going away so we need to be constantly vigilant in how we use this amazing technology for good rather than evil.

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 23, 2011 8:53 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Five words on the page. “I am in immense pain.” On the outside, my friend looks normal and her friends might think she’s “doing so well!” But as a fellow traveler on the pathway of grief, I know she is almost empty, choosing to walk by faith, to do the next thing, trying to create a home of peace and joy for her children, wrestling hard against the feelings of despair, loneliness, and the hopelessness that threaten to take her down.  Her friends are holding on to the joy that she shared just yesterday, not realizing how quickly the undercurrent of anguish rushes in to pull her out into a sea of sorrow.

Those who have never walked this way cannot understand the enormous emotional, physical, and spiritual energy it takes to just face a new day, knowing that the grief we feel will never be completely resolved.  And frankly, we don’t want you to know how it feels.  We do not wish our sorrow on anyone else.  But strength to hang on flows through the whisper of a friend, “I see Jesus in you, the hard work of grief that you are doing so that your children can be children and have a mommy who is choosing life is worth the fight.  I’m praying.”

On those days that Chuck and I felt as though we were falling back down into the endless abyss of grief, Chuck would sometimes say, “I wonder if people have stopped praying.  I am so weak. I don’t think I can make it through this hour, let alone this day.”  If I was having a better day than him, I would send out a prayer SOS, asking faithful prayer warriors to hold up our arms, to remember to pray, that the battle was fierce and we couldn’t fight on our own.  If I was in the same abyss, we hoped that God’s people would obey His nudge to pray for us. I’m not speaking of weeks or months after Mark’s death, but years.  The grief journey is long and just below the surface of the smiles on your grief-stricken friends’ faces is a churning, angry river of sorrow that they are struggling to keep within the shores of their souls. 

Who needs you to pray for them right now, to send a note, a scripture?  Don’t know what to say?  Something like this, “God has reminded me to pray for you today. I am praying that you will know He is near to the broken-hearted and that He will never leave you without help and hope.”  Your obedience to the command to encourage makes you a messenger of God Himself.  In that moment you are His promise keeper. Do you know how loved I feel by Him when I realize He whispered my name in your ears?

Ask God for the words that your friend needs.  You may learn that the words you used to send help and hope were the exact words of her own cries to Him or even written in her personal journal.  Trust God to use you as a channel of His compassion.

I will always be grateful to those who prayed and continue to pray for us, to experience strength upon strength.  For those who encouraged me, when my skin was gray and my eyes hollow, that they saw Jesus in me, just because I got up in the morning, or sat in church and cried the whole service, when I had nothing to offer them, when I felt completely and totally helpless.  They celebrated every inch forward. Your friend needs you today.  Be that friend who doesn’t forget.

In His grip,

Sharon

 

Posted At : May 19, 2011 10:44 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage,Infidelity,Prayer,Love,Adultery

One reason I'm not very good at cleaning out is because I can't resist the temptation to stop and remember, review, or look through old papers, books, and pictures. I'm cleaning out my office and not getting very far because so many of my books are like old friends that helped guide me through a season of life. I'm thinking of sharing some of those books with you because they were so precious to me. I feel the same way about my blog. I recently reviewed the entries, curious to see which topics had the most readers. I identified the top ten and include the top five in this post. Later I'll share the second half of the top ten topics. I'd love to hear why you think these particular posts are so popular!

- Inbox, Outbox, IM Emotional Adultery

- Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption>Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption

- Fighting Moral Temptation

- A Hole in Our Prayer Umbrella

- Loves Me, Loves Me Not

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 19, 2011 2:32 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

A newly engaged young woman asked her friends and family to boycott Victoria's Secret when they purchased gifts for her bridal shower. She explained that she did not want her marriage to support a business that so flagrantly abused sexuality and scriptural principles of modesty. This girl's stance brought a lot of people up short and made then stop and consider the implications of her request. Talk about standing alone!

The word "modesty" implies prudish, every inch of skin covered but is that really what God calls His daughters to embrace? Nancy Leigh DeMoss, a well-known author, speaker and Revive our Hearts talk show host tackles this topic in her radio broadcast in a way that is refreshing, challenging and convicting. You may not agree with everything she says, but I encourage you to check out the messages, especially if you have teen girls who are struggling to discover how to enhance their beauty without violating God's principles. Your teen boys would also benefit from understanding what a modest heart looks like and how to discern if a girl's heart is focused on that modesty. If you mentor teen girls, these broadcasts would be a great teaching tool as well. Nancy opens one broadcast with the words, "A woman's greatest loveliness comes through a modest heart, and a modest heart expresses itself in modest behavior, modest dress, modest reactions and modest attitudes." Just what is a modest heart and how do you know if you have one? Nancy's handling of scripture on this topic will take you deeper into God's Word as she offers some counter-cultural beauty tips. Here's the link to Revive Our Hearts. Enjoy!

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10868

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : March 7, 2011 2:10 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Here ia another insightful response to my friend's question about grief and anger.

While I agree with everything that has been said, I would like to add a fresh, real perspective on anger in grief. One of the best things I have learned about grief is that the "phases" that you go through do not run in a line. You don't pass through one and never return to it, nor do you accomplish one, move onto the next and then cross a finish line in the grief process. It is a circular cycle. Sometimes you hit the different phases in order around the circle and sometimes you bounce back and forth. Anger comes and goes, and comes again. My friend told me to view it as an upward spiral. You should always be moving upward, visiting different phases along the way, but every so often something will cause you to drop lower ... you might travel at that level for a while, but then move on upward again. It is continual. I was relieved to know that anger was something that would visit me on occasion and then leave again, but that it was normal and I could expect to see it again. The first few "visits" with anger are hard to adjust to, but soon you begin to recognize them and then learn how to handle them when they come.

There were days when my anger felt like fire burning behind my eyes....like fumes were rising from my head! I felt evil. Those days, I tried as hard as I could to stay away from my kids, and sometimes from my husband. I knew I wasn't safe to be around. Other times my anger wasn't as easy to recognize...I would take it out on my husband and the kids, not even knowing I was angry inside. My kids do it too. They let anger out masked in bad behavior or in fighting with each other. I try to correct their behavior, but also realize they need to feel it. Sometimes I get fuming angry at stuff that is going on in other people's lives and things I read online, in the news, on FB, It is hard to handle the trivia of other peoples' lives when they make such mountains out of molehills.

One thing that I do with my frustration is write in a journal....that often helps a lot. I also vent to a friend who can take it, and I have found that investing into "tedious" work (like crocheting, cleaning, digging in dirt) all helps to put the frustration somewhere. I never give my kids a bath when I am angry. My husband and I have never fought much in our marriage. Now we "fight" often (granted we are both deep in grief) but still....we have to work hard on communicating, forgiving, and asking for forgiveness.

When you are this fresh in grief, your anger toward God, or whatever it is directed at....is only one of the reasons why you feel so far away and "disconnected" from God. Even though you know He is so present, (and often feel very close to Him) you also feel so lost and confused. I didn't want to even pick up my Bible, or listen to any music. Not only did I struggle with concentrating while reading....I just couldn't do it. I was overloaded. Everyone sent music, books, and encouraged me to read my Bible and pray....those were the last things I wanted to do...nor could I do them even if I tried. Nothing makes you feel better....not even God's word, or your husband or kids. Sometimes you feel angry at them for taking away your freedom to grieve the way you want to! I sometimes view my kids as a "ball and chain" in grief. Ugh. So frustrating. especially when you love them so much at the same time! What it all comes down to is complete brokenness. Admit it, realize that you can't fix it, ask God to help you, and then face the day and endure it. Looking back on each day you will see that God provided for that day. He will do it again. I have a friend who lost her daughter only 5 months before I lost mine. It is nice to write to her on FB back and forth. I always appreciate her for being real. She tells me her frustrations...and they usually mirror mine. I realize then that what I am going through is normal and ok. Keep focused on Jesus, yes, but know that you need to be angry. Work hard to avoid "sinning" in your anger, but know that you will fail! and then ask for forgiveness, forgive, and be forgiven. My own sin has been so heavily revealed to me in my grief. Sometimes I wonder why that has to be added to the mix. God just wants me to see how little I am and how big He is.

Remember that in grief, you are filled to the top with pain...there is no reserve....so the littlest things push you over the edge (you wonder where it came from), you do things that don't match your character, you have very little filter. You need extra grace.

Another suggestion I have is to go away (maybe even all alone) for a few days. I have gone to to a beach twice now. The first time I went all alone. I walked on the beach for miles, got very little sleep, and just emptied myself of all that I carry every day. I would encourage you to read the book "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Lindbergh....it's an easy read, not Christian, but very good for your soul. I read it every time I go away by myself.

My Response

I'm on holy ground when these women share their hearts in order to encourage a sister in her own journey. I hope you sense God's love and their passion to reach out and touch your hearts with their words.

In His grip, Sharon

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : March 3, 2011 8:02 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Yesterday I shared a question from a young woman about anger and grief that she asked women ahead of her in the grief journey. Here are several more responses from her friends.

Melanie's Response

Friend, I echo what has already been said. I was going to say the same things regarding anger.....anger in itself is not a sin, but we are encouraged in Scripture to not sin while angry, and the way we do this is by directing it towards our Heavenly Father. He is big enough to carry all of our feelings and pain.

Whenever I am struggling in life, especially through grief, I cling tightly to the Psalms. My heart often cries out the same questions as David's did, and it is comforting to read how the Good Shepherd gives confirmation of His deep love for us. When life's circumstances are screaming around us, it is difficult to "Be Still...", but it is in those quiet moments alone with Jesus, that your broken heart will feel hope renewed. Praying for you today, dear sister, that you will see glimpses of your Savior's love. His mercies are new every morning, and He has endured all of the grief and shame we experience in this fallen world. He will never let us go. I pray everyday that it will be the day He will break through the clouds and take us home, and everyday I am reminded that we are one day closer.... Melanie

Laura's Response

Thank you for reaching out; I really admire you for doing that. So many grieving people do not ...and instead continue to carry their burden without any encouragement or help. It is a difficult journey and I hope that you will continue to seek out those who will not only hold your hand along the way but also point you to Christ.

I personally struggled with a lot of anger, although it did not show itself for years. And I think there is great emotional and spiritual relief in being able to physically release that pent up anger. That's why it's coming out of you at home in ways you do not want it to. Find ways to get completely alone with God, away from the house and motherly responsibilities. Grief is laborious work, and it cannot be ignored or put off. I agree with what my mother-in-law said: put aside tasks that can wait (and many of them can!). Not only are you weary, but you need to make time for wrestling with God, time for the hard work of grief, and then time to rest in God's all consuming love for you.

When my husband was in the throes of intense grief he would run to the ocean. And I know of others who have done this as well. It was a place where he could be alone with God, in the presence of the vast waters and expansive sky. Find a place that is yours and His, where He can speak to you and where you can cry or scream to Him. And find friends who will help you to do this when you need to. I know that you have a very loving and supportive husband. Beat on his chest when you need to, and enable the grief to tear down walls around you instead of build them up. (If he needs someone to talk to about this, he can certainly ask my husband.) Like Heidi said: Keep talking. Talk to your husband and also find sisters who are good listeners.

Your Heavenly Father cares for you. He has clothed the lilies of the field and watches over the sparrow. How much more does he provide and watch over you? He has sent His only Son to be the perfect sacrifice for you...because he loves you that deeply. And He has given you His Holy Spirit, who intercedes on your behalf when your prayers have become nothing but groaning. Trust in the One who has already made a way for you...that He will continue to make a way for you until all of the strife of this world is put behind us forever. (Romans 8:18-39)

I am praying that your soul finds rest today, sister. Laura

Carol's Response

My dear Friend, There isn't anything I can add to what these wonderful sisters have already said, except to tell you not to be afraid to talk about it. Find someone who is willing to listen to you talk, whether it be about your anger or about your mom. Someone who is willing to listen to you, to cry with you, to pray with you. There are many who are not comfortable doing that but there are plenty of women who are. Don't be afraid to express yourself. You know I'm available always! Love you!!!! Carol

Closing Thoughts

I love these women and the way they love one another. I hope that each one reading this will either be comforted and counseled or better equipped to touch the wounds of a broken hearted friend.

In His grip,

Sharon


Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : March 2, 2011 7:51 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Anger and Grief

A young woman hit by several deep losses through death asked for help in dealing with anger. She reached out to several women who are ahead of her in the grief journey. She said, "I guess I'm in the anger stage of grief. I am so frustrated and taking my anger out on my husband and children. Some days I'm ready to explode. My family doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Help!"

The responses were so wise and helpful, I asked the women she asked for permission to share some of their advice with you. Over the next few days I'll post their comments with hope that they will encourage another who is struggling with the abyss of grief.

Heidi's Response

I wish I could tell you I have all the answers, but I don't. I wish I could tell you to just "do this" or "do that" and it'll all get better, but grief has no manual. Grief has no schedule of events, no chain of command, no list to check off. It's just a train that keeps moving regardless of whether or not you are ready for the next stop or not. I think that today is probably a bad day, worse than most, because of Matt's death (forty-one year old husband and dad who died after a courageous battle against cancer). In my own life, it took a couple of years, but finally my husband started to see a trend in my grief. When I was told of a death, or walked through it with someone, my own grief came so close to the surface, so transparent, so heavy. Your loss is so fresh. You are still in the very early stages, you are still trying to absorb it all. Being able to even recognize your pain and anger is good. Reaching out....even better. My mom used to tell me that as long as I was talking to someone, she worried less about me. Keep talking. Talk through your pain, talk through the stages, talk through the grief...cry, laugh....go through whatever stages you are led through.

As for you taking it out on your hubby and children, that is something I think you will learn to control. I think it becomes a choice, something we allow or don't allow. Even now, I have to choose to rise above my anger or my feelings, and it isn't always related to grief...sometimes it's just cause I am human. Reaching out when it's especially bad and asking for prayer, someone to talk to, someone to take that anger out on...so that you don't take it out on your baby....those are good steps to take.

This is all just off the top of my head, in a desperate attempt to give you something...anything, to help you through this bad day.

If I can do more....let me know. I'm praying....for everyone on this list. :( Heidi

My Response

I recognize the anger and the pain you describe. Heidi has expressed some very wise insights and there is not much I can add. However, as painful as it will be for you to acknowledge, your anger is toward God. It feels safer to express anger toward the ones you love because it is a fearsome thing to admit you are enraged by your sovereign God's actions in your life. And yet, I urge you to express just that to Him. He can take it and even encourages His children to express themselves to Him the same way that children do. Consider your little ones. How do you know when they are angry or disappointed? They scream and throw temper tantrums. Jesus exhorts us to come to Him as little children. Children don't filter their words, they are persistent when they want something and they don't hesitate to chatter about the things that are important to them. Your Father wants you to approach Him as a little child approaches a trusted parent. Right now, you are having a hard time trusting His love and what's the point of telling Him how you feel? He already knows. But the more you cultivate that relationship with Him, the more you will experience His love and your love for Him will deepen. Overnight? No. It may take a very, very long time. But I guarantee you, it will happen. Don't be too hard on yourself as far as your feelings are concerned. BUT, be hard on yourself when you sin in your anger. Immediately run to Jesus and repent of your anger and then seek forgiveness from your children and husband. We cannot excuse sinful behavior because of the way that we feel. God calls on us to reflect Jesus. One of the ways I got through those very painful days was to remember that God had already equipped me for the tasks of the day. Even though I concluded He was delusional at times, because I know my heart and how limited and weak I am. By faith, I would plead with Him before getting up, to reveal the strength I needed for that day. Give yourself permission to put aside some tasks and instead rest, regroup, read to your babies, sit with your husband. You are very weary and it's hard to "behave" when we're exhausted. Look for ways to give yourself rest. Fill your home with music that speaks truth into your spirit. Ask a friend to be "on call" to pray with you when you feel like you're going to lose it - and when you call her, don't spend time explaining, just ask her to pray and trust God to give her the right words to meet your heart needs. Heidi is right on - you are very fresh in this journey. You're just learning to walk again. Give yourself time. Thanks for reaching out. You're asking questions that all of us have confronted and our answers are not quick fixes. But even that gives us hope. Love you.

More tomorrow. In His grip, Sharon


Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : February 22, 2011 8:46 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Though sufficient, God's grace is not an anesthetic. Be careful not to put unrealistic expectations on people in deep pain. Allow them, encourage them, to experience the gift of lamenting, following in the footsteps of patriarchs such as David, Jeremiah, and Isaiah. Such honest lamenting opens our eyes to treasures in darkness, intimacy with Jesus that is indescribeable and is key for finding a new normal.

In His grip with you, Sharon

Posted At : February 16, 2011 11:27 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Conflict

Isn't it interesting that when Jesus and scripture talk to us about resolving conflict, they both command us to examine our own hearts (James 4:1-3), not the heart of the other person. I have a lot of trouble with this command. My emotions and self-righteousness take me right into judging the motives and selfishness (my conclusions) of the other person. I kind of hate it when someone reminds me that my own heart needs to be addressed first. It's pretty interesting that when I actually stop and obey God's instructions, how embarrassed I typically am by my over-reaction to what often end up as imaginary hurts inflicted by someone who has no clue about my thin skin. Peacemaker Ministries offers many resources that get to the heart of human conflict. One of the articles that I have been using in my own personal study is by Ken Sande, Getting to the Heart of Conflict It's adapted from his Peacemaking for Families

Discontent is at the root of many deep conflicts. There are so many quotes that caught my attention:

Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our own hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart and quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way.

Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts.When we see our object of desire as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand. "I wish I could have this" evolves into "I must have this."

As you search your heart for idols, you will often encounter multiple layers of concealment, disguise, and justification.

And this one REALLY struck my core: One of the most subtle cloaking devices is to argue that we want only what God Himself commands.

It is often not what we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate sexual relationship with his wife, or for the wife to want open and honest communication with her husband but if [these desires] turn into demands that must be met in order for either spouse to be satisfied and fulfilled, they result in bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a marriage (quotes adapted from Peacemaking for Families)

I hope these quotes will whet your appetite enough to check out the full articleGetting to the Heart of Conflict

It's loaded with scripture and is a great tool for a life-changing personal study. I'm almost afraid to dig deep into it because I know how good my heart is at making myself look good to myself. And I don't do criticism well. Ugh.

This is good stuff.

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : February 11, 2011 1:21 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Heart Health, Physical and Spiritual

February is Heart Health month. I always expected my husband to have heart problems. But nothing prepared me to hear a cardiologist tell me that I needed a pacemaker immediately. About six months before hearing this diagnosis I recognized something was different in my body. I felt as though I was on a constant adrenalin high. My conclusion was that I was suffering from anxiety and fear and the solution was to spend more time in Scripture and prayer and trying to root out my core sin issue. Months of spiritual exercise did not resolve my physical issues and I blamed myself for what felt like a constantly stressed mindset. One night I went to bed, heart pounding, and thought, "I don't remember what it feels like to be peaceful. I don't know how to get back to an emotionally stable mindset." I had been to my doctor who took me seriously but tests were inconclusive. Finally, a doctor who is a family friend warned my husband that my appearance indicated something was seriously wrong physically. He made arrangements for me to see another specialist.While we waited for tests and diagnosis, our doctor friend warned me to rest and to be careful, that something was wrong with my heart. I didn't believe him. But a halter monitor proved him right. Within hours I was diagnosed with third degree heart block and told I needed a pacemaker immediately. No one knows why this happened but the pacemaker gave me back my physical health as well as my peace of mind. The adrenalin high was gone. A year later I was diagnosed with other heart issues that required a pacemaker/defibrillator and heart meds (which all heart patients know can be worse than the condition they are are treating). I'm happy to say that my latest medical reports indicate that some of my issues have been resolved and my heart is not damaged and is in fact normal. God used aggressive doctors, meds, exercise, rest, family support and prayer to put me back on a level path. I tell women that my journey showcases the need for us to take charge of our own health, to be in tune with our bodies and to insist that doctors listen to us when we know that something isn't quite right. And we shouldn't automatically think the root cause is spiritual or emotional. The idea of women suffering from heart disease has taken on new meaning for me. Per an article on iVillage, in the U.S., heart disease kills one woman almost every minute. Roughly 430,000 women lose their lives to heart disease each year, a number that's higher than the annual deaths among women from all cancers combined, according to the American Heart Association.

For more on this disease and what you can do to help your heart, click here 18 Heart Health Tips on iVillage

Now go take a walk!

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : February 9, 2011 1:44 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Faith

Waiting Room Living Key Words: Faith

Tonight I will teach at Woman to Woman on the topic It Takes a Covenant, one of my most favorite topics because of the way embracing the Covenant helped me face the most difficult waiting room of my life. My heart's desire is that other women will understand how much what they believe dictates their own response to the daily tasks of life, whether in a well-lit, happy waiting room, or a dark, dreary place.

In preparation for tonight I found this article that I wrote four years after the death of our son, Mark. It took me back to a raw place but reminds me of how critical our worldview is when challenged by life's circumstances.

Life was good. An old man commented about their family, "You have a millionaire's family - a boy and a girl! You are rich!" And indeed, although not wealthy according to finances, they felt rich. Within seconds, their sense of well-being vanished. Fear invaded their souls and they longed for God to assure them of His presence. Psalm 27:13-14 was their anchor: "I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Surely God's definition of "goodness in the land of the living" was to bring back their three-year-old son from this mysterious coma. With assurance of God's promise, they waited for the Lord to work His miracle. Hundreds, no thousands of believers were storming heaven for their child's life. "Yes," they thought with peace and joy, "God will glorify Himself by giving us back our son. What a testimony of God's grace to an unbelieving world our son's miracle will be." They believed God. They would gratefully wait for His intervention. One year later, they read the same passage and wondered what it meant. "Perhaps," they thought, "God hasn't healed our child because we don't have enough faith."

Have you ever thought God did not keep His promise because you did not have enough faith?

Everyone of us is in a waiting room. Either because of circumstances or because we are a member of the human race. What is your waiting room? Raising children, marriage, a broken marriage, rebellious children, a job you hate, broken friendships, grief, sexual abuse? You fill in the blank. Perhaps life is really great right now - no problems. But if you don't see yourself in God's waiting room you will miss out on treasures that only come when you grasp this foundation of life. Living in God's waiting room with purpose takes a Covenant. It takes the Covenant of Redemption to make our village a community where we can experience all we are in Christ. But the Covenant does more than that: it takes the Covenant to give us a vision for living in this waiting room called Life. I have begun to realize that in my own journey every means of healing that God has used in the past four years I can trace back to the promise of the Covenant and the privileges of the Covenant.

For instance, at the hospital in the middle of the horrendous confusion and anguish of Mark's death in a split second of clarity I remembered specifically thinking, "God is going to use this tragedy for good and to build His kingdom." I'm sorry to say that my next thought was not one of submission and peace. Instead it was resistance and anger. I would not submit to that thought and was furious that this was God's plan for our family. But the thought that God would bring His good and accomplish his purposes through our grief came from my understanding of the Covenant. I received this timely note from a friend shortly after Mark's death

God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you) [Assuredly not!] Hebrews 13:5, Amplified.

Why did these words give us hope? Because of the Covenant

In my saner moments I could see that my disappointment and anger toward God's plan for my family made my brokenness more excruciating. Was God disappointed by my reactions? Yet I felt love and security from Him, like a mother comforting her child. I knew that in spite of my imperfections, I was in His grip. Why? Because of the Covenant.

When we cried out to God that we could not do this, that He had taken us farther than we could go, His Words in 1 Corinthians 10:13 gave us hope:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Why did these words give us hope? Because of the Covenant.

When God gave us treasures of encouragement through the covenant community we knew it was because of the Covenant.

When we were tempted to think that this journey into an earthly hell may be because our faith is not strong, the Covenant reminded us that was a lie.

The Covenant equipped us for the darkness. But the Covenant also equips us for the light - to live in the tension between the already and the not yet.

God's Covenant of Redemption is the heart and soul of my faith journey. I have purpose for every day living because of the Covenant. I am so passionate about this topic that Chuck and I co-authored Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God's Promises, a study of Hebrews 11. So, do you sometimes think your life stinks because you don't have enough faith?

In His grip,

Sharon For more information about Treasures of Faith, visit our website: Treasures of Faith book page

Posted At : January 8, 2011 3:07 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Goals

The Bible in a Year

Key Word: Goals, Bible

I've never read the Bible all the way through in one year. I've tried several times but, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, about two weeks into the year, I forget to read the assigned chapters each day.

I'm trying again and invite you to join me in this adventure. This time I have extra help via technology. Every morning the first email I see in my box is a message with the passages to be read that day. Would you believe that by the third day, I had already forgotten my plan but that email reminded me to read those passages, starting with Genesis. Technology can be a super accountability partner.

Reading the old, familiar stories is like having a chat with a dear family member. We reminisce about Adam and Eve, our first parents, and smile knowingly as we review Noah's adventures and the next day pick up our conversation about Abraham and Sarah and oh yes, Hagar. You might question the value of reviewing such well-worn history. These moments remind me of family gatherings where we tell the same stories and eagerly wait our turn to add forgotten details that are sure to "ring a bell" with everyone in the room. Such is the stuff that family traditions are made of. As one who knows Jesus, I am a daughter of the King. I have a covenant family and my family history starts in Genesis 1.

For some reason, reading my spiritual family history each morning is soothing to my soul and calms my restless spirit. Perhaps it's because I see the unfolding of God's covenant love on every page and remember how embracing this history as my own helps equip me for the pathway God has marked out for me. This is MY family, we're talking about! With all its warts and failures, I fit right in!

Along the way I am rediscovering nuggets of truth that cement my confidence that God is sovereign and I can trust Him. I belong to His family and nothing can break that bond.

For now I am using a plan from Bible Gateway. You can check out their resources here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/readingplans/more.php

I hope many of you will take advantage of the resources available to help us enjoy the blessings of God's Word. Take the challenge! You won't be sorry. In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : December 25, 2010 7:02 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

Christmas Day is a day of grief for many. I have spoken with several friends who are struggling to celebrate the birth of our Savior but every ornament, song, and even snow, sabotages their efforts because all they can think about are the Christmases they will never experience with their missing loved one. Oh how my heart resonates with their sorrow. And how I long to offer help and hope in way that encourages their hearts toward our God.

While reviewing my blog posts in preparation for next year, I found this one that I posted on Christmas Day, 2009. I hope the truths I share in it will encourage at least one broken-hearted friend to take the next step of faith required to worship our newborn King. May you experience God's treasures in the darkness on this day of days. Much love to each of my struggling friends.

Christimas Grief Relief: http://www.markinc.org/blog/index.cfm/12-Days-of-Christmas-Grief-Relief

In His grip with you, Sharon

Posted At : December 23, 2010 7:45 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

Christmas. Be on the spiritual lookout for those who need a special touch. One of the sweetest, most encouraging whispers in my ear in the darkest season of my life was, "I miss him, too." Biblical encouragement is not complicated. Just follow God's nudge and you will be the one encouraged.

In His Grip, Sharon

Posted At : December 14, 2010 8:21 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

What makes a conversation unforgettable? I can't remember what I did last week but this morning I remember a conversation I had as a twenty-three-year old pastor's wife, almost forty years ago.

"You are such a kind, gentle, peaceful woman. I love spending time with you." My new friend's response to my genuine encouragement confused me. She paused and spoke quietly, "Still waters run deep." I asked her what she meant.

"Just because I appear peaceful don't conclude that my actual life is peaceful." When I asked her to explain, she gently refused and changed the subject. Rather than feeling rebuked by her words, I felt taught. As the old saying goes, you can't tell a book by its cover. This morning as I thought about this long ago-conversation I remembered how Rahab is always called Rahab the Harlot, in scripture. Everyone has a story and if we dig deep enough, we find out that every person mentioned in scripture also has a story that is pregnant with life application.

I have often wondered if Rahab herself insisted on using that title as her way of declaring God's story in her life. You know, "Once I was a harlot. Now because of my faithful God's love, I am a princess!"

In our book, Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God's Promises, we wrote about Rahab:

Among God's people Rahab found a safe place in which to learn the ways of Yahweh and His people. Rahab was given a second chance; she was able to put her past behind her and enjoy a whole new life. She was eventually brought into the family of no less a person than Nahson, head of the entire clan of Judah (Numbers 1:7, 16; 7:10-17; Matthew 1:405). His son, Salmon, would eventually marry Rahab; their son Boaz, in turn would marry another outsider,the incomparable Ruth. Their family line would continue unbroken on to King David and, eventually, to Christ Jesus Himself. What a marvelous demonstration of the transforming grace of God! We watch with awe the rise of a woman who overcame, by faith, a sordid and ugly past to become royalty, a forebear of the very King of Kings. (Page 215-216)

I have a feeling that anyone who met Rahab didn't have to guess about any still waters in her life. She most likely had no qualms about her past because God clearly saw her through the eyes of His grace.

Rahab and Salmon gave birth to a son, Boaz. Boaz married Ruth, the Gentile. When I studied the life of Ruth and her romance with Boaz, I wondered if one reason Boaz had no problems marrying Ruth, a Gentile, is because his own mother, Rahab, taught him to see each person through the eyes of God's amazing grace. He didn't see Ruth as the Gentile outsider. He saw Ruth as a person of worth. His mother's life story impacted him in an eternal way.

When Chuck and I are at the mall, a restaurant, or just walking along a city street, he will often muse, "I wonder what that person's story is. Everyone has a story."

What is your story? Does it include God's amazing grace? If so, be on the alert for an opportunity to share your story with someone today, praying that your story will help turn another person's heart toward our faithful God. If your story does not include His amazing grace, I would love to share with you how you can experience His grace, too.

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : December 12, 2010 1:27 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

"How can I help you?" The childless elderly widow paused before answering the pastor's question. "Don't forget me."

A few months ago I heard the same cry in my eighty-four year old mother-in-law's words as we settled her into a rehab center. She was recovering from surgery for a broken leg and was unable to care for herself. I asked her to describe her concerns about her new surroundings and she responded, "I'm afraid you are going to leave me here and forget about me."

Of course, I reassured her that would never happen. Her altered mental state diminished her ability to grasp the reasons for her temporary home. The only reassurance she could cling to was that I had never lied to her before. In her weakened condition, such she had to choose to trust my assurances that we would never neglect or forget her. Perhaps that is one of the greatest fears of every one. We want to know that at least one person in this world remembers us, cares for us, protects us, will not forget us.

Tamar, the first woman mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus, refused to be forgotten by the man responsible for her well-being. The first time I heard this story was several years after the death of our son, Mark. Tamar's behavior raises more moral questions than we can answer in this context (Chuck addresses them in his book, Harlots and Heroines, The Midwives of the Messiah) but God's character displayed in her story created an "aha!" moment in my desperate need to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty.

Soap operas have nothing on scripture and Tamar's story is no exception (Genesis 38). Tamar's husband died. A widow alone faced a life of poverty. A widow without children had no hope of a future. In her culture, brothers were expected to marry their deceased brother's widow. By this marriage, Tamar's offspring would continue the name and inheritance of the deceased. Such a union was later called a Leverite marriage (Deut. 25:5-6). Tamar's second husband refused to impregnate her because he didn't want her children to share in his inheritance. and he died. Actually, God put him to death, also. (You must read Genesis 38 for all the intricate details.) Judah, the father-in-law, son of Jacob, brother of Joseph, saw that the common denominator in the deaths of his sons was Tamar and he sent her back to her parents, telling her that when his youngest son was old enough, she could marry him. At this time Judah had no grandchildren to carry on his line. Judah's line would die if his third son did not have children. And apparently he had no intention of giving his youngest son to Tamar as her husband.

Tamar waited and waited and waited. When her mother-in-law died, Tamar must have concluded she had no hope of Judah keeping his promise. She used prostitution, deception, drunkenness, whatever it took, to force Judah to remember her. And remember her, he did. By means we cannot go into right now, Tamar forced her father-in-law to give her what was hers by God's law. Theologians have forever debated whether Tamar was righteous in her actions. That's not a discussion we can have in this context, but God gave me two brilliant treasures through Tamar's story.

God promised a Messiah would come through Abraham's family. For reasons known only to God, He chose Judah's family to continue the Messiah's bloodline. His choice of Judah, a man who sold his brother Joseph into slavery, is a cause for pause in itself. It's ironic that the very tactics Judah used to betray his father (lying, deception) Tamar used against him.

Through Tamar's manipulation of Judah, she became pregnant with twins. Perez, one of her sons, is listed in the genealogy of Jesus. In the middle of the Bible is this one tiny story that impacts all of our salvation. The bloodline of the Messiah ends with Judah if this baby is not born. This story gave me such deep confidence in God's character because in the middle of impossible circumstances He kept His promise in a way human beings would never have determined. Out of ashes comes indescribable beauty. I applied that character to my own shattered heart. How could God give me joy again in the darkness of grief? I concluded that I would trust that the same God who brought a baby out of a dark, sinful, horrific relationship in order to deliver His promised Messiah could bring joy back into my dark, broken world.

Second, grace flows through this story. God includes Tamar, a woman whose moral judgment appears deeply flawed, in the bloodline of our Messiah. Tamar's story encourages me to trust that my sins and the sins of others will not thwart God's eternal purpose. God redeems the pain and consequences of our sin. This is a mystery but we know that through repentance and genuine sorrow, God can create a testimony of His amazing grace.

Judah repented of his sin and applauded Tamar for her righteousness. Imagine Tamar's joy in the birth of her twins. Trust God to redeem the pain of broken places.

What Christmas gift do you want that cannot be broken? Perhaps, like the widow your own request is, "Do not forget me." Under Tamar's picture in God's Christmas Catalog imagine this description: Our God is the God Who remembers. His character displayed in the story of Tamar reminds us that no matter how dark or alone we may feel, He's there. The bloodline of the Messiah flows through the son of Tamar. God did not forget Tamar. If you need to know that He is the God Who cannot lie, the One Who cannot forget His promises or His children then Tamar's gift is for you, too."

In His grip,

Sharon

PS For more on Tamar's story, read Harlots and Heroines, Midwives of the Messiah. This book is a great way to soak in the Christmas story in preparation for Christmas.

Posted At : December 9, 2010 5:50 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

I can only imagine the conflicting emotions that filled the women of Israel as Rahab, the Harlot, set up housekeeping outside the camp of God's people. Rumors about this streetwise hussy must have flown from woman to woman as they watched her unpack her colorful garments and exotic treasures. In keeping with their promise of safety for her family, the spies led her from Jericho to a place "outside the camp." However, at some point, Rahab, the Harlot, began living "with the Israelites." What happened? I think that among the women of Israel was at least one who took a deep breath, packed up a basket of stuffed grapeleaves, Syrian bread and baked kibbi and resolutely walked the pathway to the door of this strange woman's tent, determined to embrace and welcome her into the family of God.

Rahab, always called the Harlot in scripture, is the second woman mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. I love Rahab. When Chuck and I were working on our book, Treasures of Faith, I had the privilege of getting inside Rahab's skin so that we could adequately tell her story. Rahab is one of the most unlikely women whose blood would flow in the veins of the Messiah, yet, God unapologetically includes her.

She was a harlot (or prostitute) who lived in Jericho. She ran a whorehouse - there is no other way of saying it. In her community, she was respected because her culture revered prostitutes as a necessary part of worship of their gods. Her business was strategically placed on the wall of Jericho so she was well exposed to happenings outside of Israel. Not only well-placed city officials but traveling businessmen frequented her "ladies" and maybe even Rahab herself. God used these visitors to teach Rahab about His character so that when the Israeli spies stopped by, she declared to them that "He is God." (Read Joshua 1 - 6 for the whole story). Because she believed in God's faithfulness and power, she hid the spies in exchange for her life and the safety of her family.

By doing so, Rahab, the harlot, was now a liar and traitor to her countrymen. Yet, she is not only included in the genealogy of Jesus, she is listed with Sarah in the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11. In addition, James uses her as an example of a faith that works. What supernatural hope Rahab's life communicates to people broken and stained by their own sinful choices.

Rahab becomes the wife of Salmon. Together they give birth to Boaz. We'll hear about Boaz when we talk about Ruth because Boaz married Ruth, a Gentile. Boaz and Ruth give birth to Obed, the father of Jesse. Jesse is the father of King David from whom flows the blood of the Messiah. There are so many life lessons in Rahab but one that stands out takes me back to my first thoughts. Who befriended Rahab? After winning the battle of Jericho, "the young men who had done the spying went in and brought out Rahab, her father and mother and brothers and all who belonged to her. They brought out her entire family and put them in a place outside the camp of Israel." Joshua 6:23

I like to believe an older woman, maybe the mother of one of the spies, embraced Rahab and insisted the other women welcome her. Someone created a safe place for Rahab, the harlot. I am always challenged by this story to ask myself if I am creating a safe place "in the camp (church)" for Rahab today. Oh that I will be the one who embraces the broken woman whose lifestyle is different than mine but whose heart resonates with the same need for Jesus. Joshua 6:25 feeds my imagination with the words "...and she lives among the Israelites to this day."

If Rahab was pictured in God's Christmas catalog, the description would read, "Looking for a belief that is unwavering? An ability to stand alone, even in the face of incredible danger? Do you need beauty from ashes and encouragement that your past does not make you ineligible for God's family or service in His church? Then God's gift to Rahab is for you."

In His grip,

Sharon

PS For more on Rahab's story, read Harlots and Heroines, Midwives of the Messiah. This book is a great way to soak in the Christmas story in preparation for Christmas.

Posted At : November 24, 2010 3:11 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement,Family

So you're dreading your traditional family gathering because one thing you can count on is that your relatives will not behave in a way that creates a peaceful, laughter filled day.

Family dynamics are difficult even in the best of relationships. One of the best pieces of advice I heard years ago was to recognize that the verbally obnoxious uncle, or already inebriated cousin or bitter sister will most likely behave exactly the same way they did last year. They have no plans of changing so that you will enjoy a "Hallmark Card" kind of holiday. Accept that they are wounded and their wounds are worse during the holidays. Refuse to take responsibility for changing them.

Prepare for "war" by arming yourself with God's Word. Spend time in Psalm 15 before attending. Jot down God's perspective on how to respond to a wounded person or a difficult family member. Some of my thoughts from this passage:

Do what is righteous.
Speak truth from your heart.
Speak no slander. (don't get pulled into gossip)
Do not offend your family member by doing wrong.
Do not throw verbal mud.
Honor and respect one another.
Push every behavior through the grid of God's glory

If in spite of all your efforts to avoid conflict, you are drawn in, remember and live out the truths of Proverbs 15:

Proverbs 15:1 - A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15, 4, 7 - Use your words as a life-giving force.
Proverbs 15: 14 - Seek facts, respond to facts, not drama.
Proverbs 15:18 - Be patient and calm a quarrel.
Proverbs 15:21 - Stay on topic. No rabbit trails.
Proverbs 15:28 - Think before speaking.
Proverbs 15:31 - Be open to life-giving rebuke.
Proverbs 15:33 - Humility comes before honor.

May we experience God's special presence this holiday weekend in a way that offers help and hope to hurting people.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : November 18, 2010 8:32 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

This is a long post but it's such an important topic, I don't care! Please read it to the end. A news story crossing the airwaves on November 18, 2010:

Pastor's Order, Thou Shalt Not Facebook: The Rev. Cedric A. Miller has had it with Facebook and what he says it is doing to couples coming to him for counseling. So he is giving his married church leaders until Sunday to get off the social-network website or resign their posts.

The senior pastor at Living Word Christian Fellowship Church, an interdenominational and evangelical church here (New Jersey), said a large percentage of his counseling in the past year and a half has been for marital problems, including infidelity, stemming from Facebook.

While the news media will make fun of this pastor for taking such a bold stand and perhaps friends and office acquaintances will twitter (no pun intended) and giggle over such a silly pronouncement, there are thousands of others who will privately wish they could demand the same boundaries for their own marriages. Just last week several women and I discussed the dangers of reconnecting with old flames on Facebook and other networking sites. At the end of our conversation they encouraged me to address the topic in my blog. I hesitated because I knew I would be stirring up a hornet's nest. But I agree with the pastor's assessment about the dangers of social networking sites. So here goes. Believe it or not, there is an actual expert on the topic of reuniting with old flames through Facebook and other social networking sites. Her conclusions are based not on personal opinion but studies of couples. According to her website, Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. http://drnancykalish.com/ has been conducting research on reunited couples since 1993 and is recognized as the international expert on rekindled romances and lost loves. Her landmark study of 1001 people worldwide who tried reunions with former sweethearts was reported in her popular book, Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (hardcover by William Morrow, Inc., 1997; paperback by iUniverse.com Back-in-Print, 2005). She has also written The Lost Love Chronicles: Reunions and Memories of First Love (2005) which appears in ebook, audiobook, and Kindle formats.

In the 1990's and mid-2000's Dr. Kalish conducted two studies that reveal surprising facts. She took a look at people who reunited before the internet exploded and a second group who reunited through the internet.

She examines her findings in her book Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance. I was intrigued to read that 76% of pre-internet and 78% of first-love re-connections in Phase 1 culminated in happy marriages with a later divorce rate of 2%. Wonderful news! I was shocked to read that of the reunions in the second group, i.e. people who reunited via the internet, only 5% of these relationships resulted in happily ever after marriages. Ok, she hooked me into reading more. What was the difference?

Before the internet, how could you reunite with a "lost love?" You had to ask the ex-boyfriend's mom for his phone number or plan out a chance meeting. In the first group study, over 2/3 of those who reunited with old flames were single and asking for an old boyfriend's phone number or checking up on his life would be a natural conversation that might get a few knowing smiles but would be considered appropriate behavior for a single woman. Enter the internet and social networking. Suddenly, it's easy to find and connect with an old flame, privately, so that you can explore the relationship without anyone knowing or judging your interaction. So what's wrong with that? Well, in the second group 2/3 of the participants were married. And here's the stunning result of those innocent, good intentioned reconnections according to Dr. Kalish's study: 62% of these married people progressed from an innocent reconnection into a full blown adulterous affair.

Again, according to the participants, they were happily married and had no desire to cross any moral lines. Even more amazing is that most of the time, the spouses endorsed the reconnection, often coming along to meet the "old flame" for lunch or dinner. After all, "we're just two old friends catching up on life." Right?

I hesitated to address this topic because I am confident many people have reconnected with old flames via the internet and the result has been a renewed friendship that is completely innocent and healthy. But Dr. Kalish's studies affirm the low grade anxiety I have sensed in the women who have expressed to me their fears over their husband's internet relationships. Rev. Miller's public pronouncement about the dangers of Facebook are not over exaggerated in the marriage counseling room.

But is it Facebook's fault that so many marriages are impacted by these reunions? Of course not. We are responsible for our choices and we can't fall back on "Facebook made me do it!" If adultery was only a "small temptation" for a limited audience, God probably wouldn't have mentioned it in the Ten Commandments. Because it's one of TEN, it's likely this is a common temptation that needs extra vigilance. NO ONE is exempt from temptation. A major reason why more people do not commit adultery is because they admit their vulnerability to immoral relationships and put up boundaries to remove the opportunity for temptation. I don't buy cookies because if they are in the house I will eat them and lose all self-discipline when it comes to other sugary treats. Likewise, when a woman marries, she is making a decision to avoid any relationship that tempts her to betray her marriage vows. That's true about every potential sin. As we mature, we identify our Achilles Heal and we wisely create fences to shore up our defensives that will make it harder to take a pathway that might at first feel really good but leads to destruction. For instance, an alcoholic avoids package stores or hanging out at bars. A person addicted to pornography puts safety measures in place on her computer. Before the internet, connecting with an old flame was accepted for what it was - tempting yourself to betray your spouse with an old boyfriend. Social networking sites and the internet make it much more difficult to create and maintain relational fences. Facebook gives us the ability to reconnect with an old flame in the context of innocence. You can even cultivate the relationship with flirtatious, playful banter while your husband is sitting next to you on your sofa watching television. He doesn't even know that you are involved in emotional foreplay with a former boyfriend (or maybe even a potential new boyfriend). And if he expresses concerns, your defense is that if you were doing anything wrong, you certainly wouldn't be doing it with him in the room. He's the one with the suspicious mind. You're just friends. What's wrong with him? Why does he have such a "dirty mind?" Temptations are not the problem. We are all tempted in some way. The problem is when we fool ourselves into believing we are strong enough to hold the line. Perhaps it's a matter of ego. Can you recognize the danger of the flutter in your stomach when a former boyfriend playfully reminds you of a fun-filled intimate moment and implies longing for what was? Or do you enter into the flirtatious mode yourself, rationalizing that was years ago and we're adults now. Do you understand the seeds of discontent that could be planted? I know that some of you are thinking that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I'm wondering what you're willing to give up in order to protect the purity of your own marriage. Be careful. We are like frogs in the kettle, jumping into a lukewarm pot that slowly simmers into a boiling cauldron.

Let's get back to Dr. Kalish's study. Most of the old flame reunions that resulted in cheating also resulted in getting caught. And what happens when adulterers are caught? Total destruction and shattered lives. Most of the cheating men remained with their broken-hearted wives and many of the cheating women were thrown out by their enraged husbands. Yes, sin is pleasant for a season but then comes destruction.

So what's the answer? Chuck and I have access to one another's email, social networking, phones, etc.. In some other blogs I've addressed some practical fences to put into place that will act as red lights for wise couples. But a disturbing conclusion of this study was that happily married people were vulnerable to the powerful pull of lost loves. Do not be fooled. Lost loves can try to recreate a fantasy of youth and innocence. See it for what it is - fantasy. If you are concerned about your husband's internet relationships, share this information with him and ask him to agree on how to proceed with such reconnections, if at all. If you are the one involved with an old flame, instead of private communication on any level, include your husband, even if he could care less and trusts you implicitly. You will be doing your old flame and his wife a favor if they know that every word you exchange with him is read by your husband. Another fence for you is to imagine his wife reading your communication with him. Another good fence is that any relationship that doesn't enhance your marriage is a bad relationship and that includes girlfriends along with old flames. End those relationships now. As I'm re-reading this post, I'm beginning to wonder why any of us would want to pursue a relationship with an old flame or anyone else that requires so many safeguards? What is it about that other person that is so enticing? And isn't that in itself a warning sign that this relationship has two many risks that require emotional energy that is better invested in building up your marriage? One wife asked me what could be so special about that old girlfriend that her husband was more willing to hurt this wife than to end contact with the "other woman." That question deserves an answer. What is the pay off that makes the anxiety worth it?

Is it possible to have a friendship with an old flame? Of course. But let's be careful out there. Facts don't lie. And Dr. Kalish has given us some startling facts that can reinforce the fences of your marriage. Let the games begin. What do you think?

In His grip,

Sharon

If you are someone you know is involved in an adulterous relationship or is trying to restore a broken marriage impacted by adultery, this resource is for you. Click the link for a free download or order a CD: Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption

Posted At : November 11, 2010 5:53 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. According to one study, one in five of our troops will return home from war with this hidden wound. Our preparation for interviewing Nate Self (www.nateself.org) along with Bobby and Elissa has taken us on a journey that will forever change our view of our courageous warrior veterans and current military forces.

PTSD is not a sign of weakness but rather an indication that the individual struck by this emotional, spiritual and mental weapon is reacting to circumstances and events that threaten their physical, emotional and spiritual lives. In his work book for those experiencing Post Traumatic Stress, The Combat Trauma Healing Manual, Christ-centered Solutions for Combat Trauma Chris Adsit states, "One of God's top design priorities when He created us was that we be equipped to defend ourselves and survive in a wide variety of dangerous situations. To this end, He equipped us with an amazing set of response mechanism...After a traumatic event, your brain knows that it just had an incredibly close call, and it is determined to be ready to react if the danger comes by again. Good idea - except if it gets stuck in that mode, which is essentially what PTSD is...The shock physically alters parts of your brain.

Your reactive pathways modify, your brain chemistry changes and becomes hypersensitive, overreacting to normal stimuli. Your hippocampus - the part of your brain that interprets and calms your emotional responses - shrinks and works less effectively. Your left and right brain hemispheres have trouble communicating and balancing each other - so you're either all emotion and unordered, or you are emotionless, cold, withdrawn and not much fun to be around. Sometimes each of them inside of five minutes. And whenever your brain senses that it's getting near the "scene of the crime" via some sensory trigger (a smell, sound, a sight, a memory), it quickly opens up the photo album it created during the earlier traumatic event and puts on an intense slide and video show to re-instruct you that you don't want to go there again! "Are you nuts!?? We almost bought it when we were there last time?? Get away??" The technical term for this is "re-experiencing." (Page 25, 27)

Jane and Rolando Ford, a retired military couple who are redeeming the pain of PTSD by offering help and hope to other men and women who are struggling to find a new level of normal after war, gave us an example of this "re-experiencing." Jane told us that driving in a car with Rolando was at times terrifying because he was on full alert for anything that to him resembled an IED - an explosive device hidden in trash or by the side of the road. She described him reacting with rage and fear if a piece of paper blew across the highway. Others told us about sleeping fully dressed on top of the bedcovers with their weapon by their side and described recurring nightmares so terrifying that they avoided sleep. How do you "re-condition" a brain that has been physically altered by such fear and experiences?

Chris Adsit goes on to give hope to veterans and current military troops alike when he states:

"The opening of the photo album can also have another function. It's a flare being sent up by the trauma survivor's inner self alerting the outside world that he's been through more than he can handle and he needs help dealing with it. We humans aren't meant to suffer our traumas alone and not bother anybody else about them. We are an interdependent species, ordained so by our Creator. We need each other. And if our "outer self" won't take action, our "inner self" will keep up the pressure until we do. By the way, it seems to work. More PTSD suffers finally decide to seek help due to their re-experiencing symptoms than any other reason." (Page 27)

I see the fingerprints of biblical encouragement all over this journey. We repeatedly heard veterans tell us that one person coming alongside of them was the beginning of their journey toward hope and help. In our interview with Bobby and Elissa Hoops, Bobby described how a "chance meeting" with an Army Chaplain in his Congressman's office was the moment he believed he had a reason to live. And that's why Bobby and Elissa are now helping others find a new level of normal when they bring war home.

I will share more of their story in a future post. Please pray for us as we start the hard work of editing these interviews in a way that will give hope and help to hurting military families. We are praying for that one soldier, Marine, sailor, veteran who is ready to join the thousands of veterans who have taken their own lives because they are without hope as a result of their war experiences. Pray with us that many will respond now to the hope and help that comes through knowing Jesus.

Thank you to our veterans for the sacrifices you have paid to protect our country.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : November 1, 2010 11:11 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Politics

Why are some, seemingly insignificant childhood memories seared into our brains? Perhaps because sometimes those childhood vignettes help clarify our thinking as adults.

I was in third or fourth grade, standing in the lunch line and listening as a fellow student told us who his parents planned to vote for in the upcoming presidential election. Not to be outdone, I told him who my parents were voting for. After school I proudly informed my mother of this very important, adult conversation. Her response floored my little mind.

"Sharon, you had no business telling anyone who we are voting for. That is a sacred right, that we can vote for whomever we want without threat of punishment."

Her anger shocked me. Why was their voting choice a secret? Why wouldn't they want everyone to know their choice?

As an adult I better understand the sacrifices paid for the right to vote privately. I recognize the pressure millions of people feel from their employers and unions or friends and family to vote a certain way. The value of the right to vote with a secret ballot has become even more clear as we have watched the millions of people in Iraq risk their lives to influence their governments. That value cannot be measured when we consider the lost lives required to gain that right and keep it.

I saw this quote from Stalin on Facebook: "The ones who determine the outcome of a vote are not the ones who cast the votes but the ones who count it." I think a truer statement for America is, "The ones who determine the outcome of a vote are not the ones who cast the votes but the ones who do not."

If you have never voted or have no intentions of voting, please reconsider the price tag paid for this right. Cynical young people, do not neglect this privilege and responsibility. I won't bore you with all the reasons why people give for not voting. There was a season in my life where I probably would have agreed with you. Instead, take it from a "seasoned woman." I urge you to vote values. Determine who best (I didn't say perfectly) represents your worldview. And then pray as you pull the lever, as God commands us to, for our government.

See you at the polls.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : November 1, 2010 2:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

What started as one resource designed to help turn hearts toward our God when they are facing frightening circumstances and loss has developed into a vision of producing and distributing hundreds of thousands of resources that offer hope and help to hurting people. A few years ago a physician friend asked us to produce a booklet or CD that he could give to patients who were facing life threatening illnesses. He said that he only had five minutes with such people and it wasn't enough time to explain how they could face any circumstance with strength if they knew Jesus. Because of our own life journey and struggle to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty when our youngest child, Mark, died in a car accident, our friend thought people would listen to us.

His request coupled with our own need to have a resource to give to grieving parents led us to develop the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out resource library. The response to the first two interviews, Loss of a Loved One and Breast Cancer, reminded us of the power of story telling. For reasons only God knows, people trusted us to handle their stories of loss and redemption in a way that could offer help and hope to hurting people. We added interviews on Terminal Illness; Alcoholism, Help and Hope; Dying with Dignity and Grace; Autistic Spectrum Disorders, Speaking Hope; First Responders: Wounded Healers and our news mini-series, Coming Home from War. We will soon launch The Ultimate Sacrifice, two interviews with Gold Star families whose loved ones did not come home from war. Because of the generous support of God's people, we have produced and distributed thousands of these resources free of charge to people experiencing these life crises. My personal goal is that one day we will have resources that address over 200 topics and that when people are faced with life-altering circumstances, the first place they turn for help will be MARKINC Ministries.

In less than two weeks we will travel to Ft. Hood to begin production of a resource that addresses Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The more we learn about this horrific life journey, the more we wonder if our resources will really offer help and hope to our military families. The needs are so enormous. What good is a one hour interview? How much help and hope does it really give? As I struggled with this question, I remembered that a friend described MARKINC Ministries as a spiritual and emotional triage unit where our resources act as tourniquets that slow down the blood flow from the hemorrhaging heart. When the lights in a person's life go out, they need to hear from a fellow traveler that hope is real and dawn is coming. Such stories give power to broken people to take a deep breath and perhaps consider the life-giving message of Jesus. Our hope is that they will find more resources on our website that will feed the deep needs of their souls.

In the months and even years after Mark's death, I desperately needed to hear from other bereaved parents that one day the ache in my chest would break, that I wouldn't always physically hurt, let alone constantly cry. Just seeing another bereaved parent smile gave me hope that one day I could smile again. Less than two years after Mark's death, a friend connected me with a freshly grieving mother. My own grief was so sharp I didn't think I had anything to offer this broken woman. At the end of our conversation I told her so and she stopped me and whispered, "Your voice is strong, that gives me hope that one day my voice will be strong, too." My story, broken as it was, gave hope in that moment.

Jesus used stories to teach and we are following His example in using stories to help stop the hemorrhaging of a broken heart.

Do you have a story of help and hope? Perhaps it's time for you to offer your life journey as a means to help turn hearts toward our God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : October 28, 2010 10:37 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage,War

On November 8 - 10 Chuck and I will be in Ft. Hood, Texas. Through circumstances only God could orchestrate, we are going to Texas to interview Nate Self on the topic of Post

Traumatic Stress Disorder. Learn more about this genuine American Hero by viewing the NBC Dateline program, Rescue on Roberts Ridge included here. Nate shares his story in his book, Two Wars, One Hero's Fight on Two Fronts -0 Abroad and Within. We will also interview Bobby and Elissa, a military couple who will transparently share their own journey into darkness as a result of Bobby's wartime experiences. These interviews will become part of our Coming Home from War resource library.

In preparation for these interviews, we read Nate's book, along with When War Comes Home, Christ-Centered Healing for Wives of Combat Veterans and The Combat Trauma Healing Manual: Christ-Centered Solutions for Combat Trauma

We are so humbled by the trust that these folks are placing in us to share their stories in a way that offers help and hope to hurting people. Thousands of military families are paying an unspeakable price for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Suicide rates among the military are soaring. Marriages are failing. The hidden heroes in many of our military families are the spouses who are determined to keep their marriage vows and help their broken husband or wife find a new level of normal when they come back from combat. Not only do military families fear that their loved ones will not return from war but they also fear that if they do, they will not be the same person who went to war.

Nate, Bobby and Elissa are among many who are declaring that we must acknowledge the damage to our faithful military families and we must offer help and hope that puts them on a path of purpose and peace. Please pray for us as we travel to Ft. Hood and pray for these precious warriors who are sacrificing their privacy and taking us into their pain in order to offer help and hope to broken military families. I'll keep you posted on our journey. Sometimes I wonder at the value of what we are doing with the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out resource library. The needs are so enormous, what good is a one hour interview? In a future post I'll share why we continue to produce and distribute these resources. Perhaps our reasons will encourage you to offer your story to others as a means to help turn their hearts toward our God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : September 25, 2010 11:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

My mother-in-law's physical ailments have forced us to confront the ravages of aging as she has spent time in nursing homes after repeated falls. She is a stubborn, strong woman who refused to surrender her home and live with one of her children or even to downsize. And so, we continued to try to make her comfortable and safe in her own home. Her falls have become more frequent and those visits to the nursing home are painful, a stark reminder that even if our good genes and the jars of anti-wrinkle cream protect our faces from the marks of aging, our bodies will one day wear out. The hallways are filled with elderly people who remind us that sometimes our minds will surrender to the toxins of life and break down as well. I cry every time I leave Chuck's mom at the rehab center. So often I look into her eyes and remember the beautiful young woman Chuck introduced me to over forty years ago. We are only one family in the line of millions of others who, facing the same circumstances, need to know that she is in good hands, that the caretakers see beyond the wrinkles and the helplessness. The calling of elder care is priceless to the families who cannot care for their family members by themselves. We learned to recognize those who care deeply and handle her with respect and compassion. We cannot adequately thank them for their tenderness. Those are the ones who don't need to read this poem that a friend sent to me many years ago. Whether you are involved in elder care or not, there may be someone who needs a special tender touch from you, someone to remember the value of his or her life. I can not express the heart of an elderly woman any better than this anonymous author.

An Old Lady's Poem
When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health.

... And now this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this simple, yet eloquent, poem traveling the world by Internet. Goes to show that we all leave "SOME footprints in time".....

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
...Not a crabby old woman; look closer ...see ME!!

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : September 22, 2010 1:27 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

A grown up son officially launches Stone's Throw, a new congregation in Middletown, Delaware, and I am suddenly whisked down a tunnel of memories. God is opening my eyes to something I can barely get my mind around. Legacy has an even deeper meaning as I consider the beginnings of this new work. Sadly, many who meet Jesus through this congregation will not know the roots of this vision. Yet I believe that this congregation is the fruit of prayers prayed and families made that started over 100 years ago.

The new congregation is located in the same town where my grandparents lived in a house my father built, where my parents raised my siblings and me until I was twelve years old. My parents were childhood sweethearts that attended the local high school. My father built many of the homes on the east side of town as well as a housing development that he named after me, Sharondale. My mother's mother, Grandmom George, was a charter member of one of the local churches. Grandmom believed that Sundays were meant for rest and so when my two girl cousins and I went to her house after church, we spent at least part of the afternoon sitting on lawn chairs in the backyard, reading our Sunday School papers. Grandpop George, who didn't attend church while Grandmom was alive, was inside, listening to the Phillies on the radio, smoking his cigar and falling asleep to the drone of the announcers (all activities which led my grandmother to conclude that her husband was hopelessly lost).

Childhood in Middletown was idyllic. We played in the woods, built dams in the "clean stream" so that we could cool off during the lazy, hazy summer days. On hot afternoons, we played board games on the porch or looked for the perfect turtle to enter into the Vacation Bible School turtle race. My siblings and I held Fourth of July parades and performed puppet shows for our parents. We walked into town, sometimes balancing ourselves on the stone wall surrounding the old cemetery along the way. We visited the old fashioned five and dime and bought genuine cherry cokes at the soda shop - you know the kind, with real cherry syrup and maraschino cherries at the bottom of the real glass. There is an old Methodist Church in Middletown, where my mother led the Brownies and Girl Scouts and I was one of her girls. I walked the streets of this little town, all by myself, and sold more boxes of Girl Scout cookies than anyone else in my troop. Sometimes we attended movies at the old Everett Theater. Twenty-five cents to see Tammy, starring Debbie Reynolds, definitely my all time favorite childhood movie!

Every time I enter an old church, the scents and feel of the building remind me of my childhood church life. We attended the same little church where my mother grew up as a charter member. No nurseries, no kids' church, nowhere to take crying children, unless you were my father. I remember well my dad taking me out of the service, applying discipline and carrying me back to the pew. I learned early how to sit in church. How much of church actually soaked into my little mind? Frankly, I can't remember one sermon I heard. I do remember my best friend and I timed the pastor's prayers, giggling on the back row during Sunday evening services and the pastor reprimanding us for our bad behavior. I remember the hymn sings and how we always picked the most upbeat songs as our favorites, you know the ones: Nothing But the Blood and Wonderful Grace of Jesus! This little church helped build a rich heritage of hymnology that has carried me through dark, dark days. When the church doors were open, my parents made sure I was there. Sunday School teachers, Vacation Bible School programs, Sunday night services along with Sunday worship - every piece of church life impacted my worldview in a way that I recognize anew has influenced the way we raised our children and long for our grandchildren to embrace.

I think that's what I'm trying to get my mind around these days. Sometimes we think that teaching is only through speaking or reading or preaching. But there is such a legacy of faith in my own soul that I long to pass on to our children and grandchildren that comes from relationships within my covenant family. That legacy flows from right doctrine and scriptures, absolutely. Watching our sons and daughter, their spouses and children embrace church life as necessary for their wellbeing reminds me of how critical it is for us to insist that our churches reflect the love and security that comes from knowing Jesus. I want our covenant children to long for the same relationship to Jesus that their parents have.

I see children and young people who are captured by the joy of knowing Jesus because they are watching their parents and grandparents live lives that reflect His love and grace. I have to admit that I wasn't really impressed with my Grandmother's way of expressing her faith. She seemed rule-driven and I wanted freedom. Yet perhaps it was her prayers that helped turn my heart back to Jesus when I strayed off the path of intimacy with Him. Perhaps her prayers, prayed before our children were born, contributed to our son, her great grandson, leading a congregation in the very town where I first remember those strong family connections and experienced church life.

Last week our three church campuses celebrated the birth of Stone's Throw with a joint dinner, worship and communion. All three worship bands led the music. It was Loud! It was Joyful! It was moving! Little children clapped and moved their bodies in time with the music - some might call that dancing in the aisles! Seeing our young people and children embrace church life as a place of joy and fun is perhaps one of the best parts of worship for me. During one of the songs, Chuck leaned over and laughing, said, "If your grandmother could see this, she would be turning over in her grave!" And I thought, "She can see it, through the eyes of Jesus, and I think she just might be dancing in heaven as she recognizes that God is answering her prayers by sending her great grandson to proclaim Jesus in her hometown." Yes, the roots of legacy run deep.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : September 21, 2010 9:43 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

I was seventeen years old and working at a Bible conference that summer. Housekeeping (cleaning up after campers) was my self-chosen job because I wanted to spend as much time on the beach as possible. Unlike the waitresses, dishwashers and cooks, housekeepers had their afternoons off once the floors were swept and beds were made. What could be better than a long summer at the beach with like-minded teens in a faith-based environment? But I had some emotional baggage that refused to stay safely packed away. My high school boyfriend did not share my faith. He wasn't thrilled when I informed him of my summer plans but promised to visit. It didn't take long in that Bible soaked culture for me to conclude I had to break off the relationship. Drama drapes teen lives and his first and only visit ended in more drama than I dreamed possible. I was almost sent home by the director's wife (that's another story) but I followed through with my commitment to break up and experience the summer commitment free. If it weren't for my mother, I probably wouldn't have stuck with my decision. Every night after dinner, I slipped into the phone booth, dialed home and held my breath until I heard her voice. I chattered about every detail of the day and waited for her to encourage me to stay the course. I wish I could remember specific nuggets of wisdom that she shared. It wasn't the words as much as the emotional connection with the one person who loved me more than anyone else in the world at that time of my life. What is it about a mother's voice that soothes and calms a daughter's troubled heart? Our daughter, Heidi, has noted specific times that she has called just because she needed to hear my voice. There wasn't anything I could do for her to change the circumstances but perhaps like me, she needed to connect with one who loves her in a way that no one else does.

Consider this:

If your daughter is stressed out, the soothing sound of your voice can relieve her anxiety as much as an actual hug, says a University of Wisconsin-Madison study. After a series of challenging tests, girls who were comforted by their mom in person or over the phone experienced a surge of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that also calms your stress response. In contrast, girls who had no contact with their mother showed no rise in oxytocin. So if you can't be there, speed-dial your daughter after her difficult exam, important performance or other big event (or tell her to call you). (Ladies Home Journal, page 164, October, 2010)

This study explains how a mother's voice for some daughters is better than a pill, alcohol or even chocolate. Just my mother's voice initiated a physical change in my body that lowered my stress hormones. There are so many "motherless" women who long for such a calming influence. Women whose mothers died when they were very young or whose mothers abandoned them emotionally. Perhaps this is another reason why God instructs older women to mother younger women (Titus 2:3-5). Perhaps it's more about that calming voice than it is about the words spoken. I need my mother today. I am restless and anxious. But my mother left this earth in 1998. Perhaps instead of longing for her voice, I can be that soothing voice for a motherless young woman, who longs to know that there is at least one woman who loves her deeply. Perhaps just hearing my voice will help turn her heart toward the One Who loves her even more than I do. And maybe that truth will produce a hormonal change that puts a skip in her step and a smile on her face.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 25, 2010 1:06 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

Picture this. Hot and humid and a bunch of grandkids on the screened-in porch. Grammy distributes water bottles, trusting the youngest (three years old) up to the oldest to know how to drink water from a bottle.

Twenty minutes later Grammy walks out on the porch to check on grandkids. One of the grandsons picks up a water bottle and pours it out in front of Grammy.

Grammy grabs the bottle and exclaims, "What are you doing? Stop that and don't do it again!"

A minute later same grandson picks up another water bottle and empties it on the outdoor carpet.

Grammy recognizes the line drawn in the sand.

Kneels down in front of the child and begins a lecture. "Do not pour water out on the floor. Do not disobey me."

Grammy sees that this child is not looking at her and shifts into second gear.

"Look at me."

Grandson averts eyes.

Grammy grabs him by the cheeks, forces his eyes to look into hers and repeats:

"Do not pour the water on the floor. You must obey me. Repeat after me: Do not pour the water on the floor."

Grandson remains silent and again averts his eyes.

Grammy recognizes that the other grands are watching and she must win this battle. Grammy tightens her grip on the cheeks, demands that he look her in the eyes and states emphatically: "Repeat after me, I will not pour the water on the floor."

Silence while Grammy waits for correct response. Grandson: "Grammy, my ears can't hear you because my mouth is so full."

Grammy tries not to laugh and finally gets him to repeat, although without much conviction, "Don't pour the water on the floor."

Life Lesson for Grammy: "God, my ears can't hear you because my mouth is so full. Full of my own words, my own protests, my own excuses. Lord, empty my mouth and open my ears to your voice. May I listen twice as much as I talk."

"My dear sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a woman's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19 - 20

'nough said.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 20, 2010 10:55 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

Sometimes when the marriage of a couple we have mentored and known from their wedding day, crashes and burns, Chuck and I will spend time feeling sorry for ourselves, wondering if anything we are doing and saying has an impact on anyone. We are broken hearted when a family implodes and nothing we can say or do can put back the pieces of their broken homes. Why bother, we wonder. What good does it do? Then we reassure one another with this truth: there are hundreds, maybe thousands of people who have heard the Word of God and the exhortation to apply His Word to daily life who are quietly living out their lives, applying scriptural truth, and experiencing God's grace and strength as they face the struggles of this world. These people are building families and passing on a legacy of faith that is eternal. We encourage each other that all we can do is share what God has taught us. People have a choice as to whether what we say is truth and whether or not they will apply it to their lives. We can't force them to obey God's Word and experience the joy that only He can give.

Then there are moments, many more than the crash and burn experiences, when God reminds us of some of those people who choose to apply God's Word no matter how difficult and walk by faith, in the light and the darkness. They are the busy bees in the church, often behind the scenes, saying "yes" to helping others, leading children's ministries, working with the youth, teaching a women's Bible study, attending a men's Bible study, serving in leadership roles, singing in the choir, keeping the books, welcoming guests to the church family. God has transformed their hearts and out of gratitude to Him they are passing on a legacy of faith to the children God has placed in their lives.

God recently reminded me of some of those women who chose to attend a Bible study for young married women in 1994. Our newly-wed daughter, Heidi, asked me to lead a study for her friends, all newly weds. The topic was The Challenge of Being a Woman. What was ironic to me was that I had taught this same study to some of their mothers when these newlywed young women were little girls. Heidi had no furniture so we sat on the floor in her living room and week after week, opened the Bible to see what God had to say about womanhood. I just found the attendance list for that small group. Fifteen of the twenty women are still active in our local church, striving to build families that know, love and fear God and many are in leadership positions. Two of the women, sadly, are no longer in their original marriages. I've lost touch with three others. But think of the percentages. In a culture where 50% of marriages end in divorce, as far as I know only ten percent of this group suffered the agony of a failed marriage.

I'm not saying that these girls are walking by faith because of this study. But I do believe their hunger to equip themselves for this strange thing called marriage so early on in their lives indicates their commitment to keep on learning and to keep on building on their strong faith foundations. I can still see some of those girls and where they were sitting in that circle. I remember one of them asking hard questions because she had just recently experienced the stillborn death of her first son. I can see another sweet, young, shy, quiet girl who would later sit in my pink chair in my sunroom and cry through every meeting the two of us had as she tried to reconcile the stillborn death of her first daughter and God's love. I think about our daughter's coming struggle with infertility and wonder how much that group helped prepare her for her own battle to trust God. Along with my own daughter our new daughter-in-law as well as the young wife who whose family would one day include a child with enormous physical needs but also great joy because of that child. I see the BIG hairstyles on some of the girls and I chuckle that one of them is now the Nursery Coordinator in our local church. Another one is a pastor's wife, one is an elder's wife, another a deacon's wife, and all of them women that I absolutely love and fondly remember. I remember the discussions on submission and headship, the laughter over the differences between men and women.

But most of all, I remember how those girls became a safe place for a broken-hearted grieving mother - me. This was a year after our son's death and yet these girls thought I had something to offer them. They gave me a reason to think about something besides my own anguish. Because of that, each one has a special place in my heart.

Now, I look around at a whole new generation of young newly weds and young mommies and I am eager to pass on to another group of women some of the truths that God has taught me over the years. But more than that, I can't wait to develop those same kinds of personal friendships with this new group of women.

And I will have the privilege of observing them as they choose to quietly build a legacy of faith that will have an eternal impact, just like their sisters who walk this pathway a little ahead of them.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 18, 2010 10:02 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

9. Be transparent and honest in your communication. Most marriage counseling I do centers on teaching couples Biblical principles for communicating. We come into marriage with preconceived ideas of the right way to speak, to resolve conflicts. Even when we hate the way our parents communicated, we often find ourselves becoming just like them unless we are determined by God's grace to break the chains of the past. Observe how others communicate, study Biblical principles and be accountable to one another for practicing communication that builds up rather than tears down. Often a couple does not realize how their communication reflects badly on their relationship to Christ. As trusted friends what does your communication reveals about your relationship to one another? You may be very surprised.

10. Learn to embrace pain as your friend. This is perhaps one of the most difficult principles to live out. The hard places in marriage are God's sandpaper designed to smooth out the rough places in our characters. There is no better woman in the world for me than my wife. I know this because we are married and God's design is for her to complete me. Our relationship not only brings joy and pleasure, it also is an opportunity for us to become more like Christ. Marriage requires sacrifice, seeing our spouse's needs as more important than our own. Such moments are often painful and yet that is the model of Christ. And isn't He the One whom we are to emulate in all of life? So with Jesus I encourage you to "go home to your family and tell them [by the way you treat them, love them, encourage them] how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you."

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : July 15, 2010 10:02 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

Legacy building happens in mundane moments of life when we least expect it. I experienced one of those moments a few days ago and I can't get it out of my mind. We were enjoying a relaxing evening with friends, Bob and Becky and their two sweet children, R.J. and Anna Beth. Dinner was delicious and healthy. Chuck accepted R.J.'s invitation to see his latest Lego projects and Becky laughed and warned him that he would now get the full picture of their home organization.

After dinner, Bob suggested that Becky show me some of her scrapbooking albums. Conversation buzzed in the background as the beautifully created album pages carried me back into Becky's childhood and marriage. Perhaps because of my own passion for passing on a legacy of faith and family to our children and grandchildren, I had no trouble picturing her life and the special connection she had with her mother and grandmother and sisters. Her father is a photographer so the pictures of Becky growing up years told a story of love and family that contributed to the strong family foundation that exists in her home today.

This particular album is a personal journal for R.J. and Anna Beth. In it Becky tells the story of her own life and how her parents influenced her love for art and creativity. She describes her mother taking her to art museums and how her mother encouraged her to paint alongside of her as a little girl. She tells R.J. and Anna Beth that she wants to pass on that same love of life and creativity to them. I was especially taken with her comments about her Nana's Notions. With Becky's permission I include them here:

Mom handed down Nana's sewing basket to me after my grandmother's passing in 2001. I gave the wicker basket a place of honor in my craft room, but initially I didn't do much with it. I would open it here and there to get a needle and thread but that was it. As time went on, and my time spent scrapbooking increased, my visits to Nana's stash of notions became more frequent. On one of my little treasure hunts, I found a large hat pin that I now use as my paper piercer when scrapbooking and card making. In my searches for the perfect button or embellishment, I would often find little bits of memorabilia: theater tickets, Catholic medals, even a little swatch of hastily sewn fabric where Nana stashed her extra needles. Ironically, aside from the hat pin, I've never used any of Nana's notions on my scrapbook pages. Instead, each little pearl button and rhinestone I have handled is a kind of kiss from Nana, best left tucked away in her precious basket. Even as I created a scrapbook page about her notions, I decided to scan her supplies as opposed to displacing them. Except for the "I'm Available" pin. That just cracks me up. And I think somewhere she's laughing right along with me.

I'm not sure if it was intentional, but Becky's labor of love contains numerous life lessons for parents and real life examples of how God transforms the mundane tasks of life into a majestic picture of His love through the dynamics of a biblical family. I reluctantly closed the album and Anna Beth took it from me. She cuddled up next to her mommy and began to slowly turn each page. What a beautiful picture of legacy, a little girl drinking in the life of her mother, grandmother and a great grandmother that she never met, but will feel like she knows.

At home later that night, I couldn't get this picture out of my mind. I imagined that one day Becky and Bob might have to pack up the albums and put them in the attic, perhaps in an attempt to find more room in their home or maybe as they try to pare down their lives and move into the empty nest season of life. I imagined their grown children cleaning out the attic and rediscovering these priceless records of their family roots. And I imagined another little girl, Becky's grand daughter or maybe even great grand daughter, cuddling up to her mommy, slowly turning the pages of their family history and drinking in the legacy of faith that her grandmother so lovingly recorded for her own children.

I think Becky is right. Her grandmother is laughing right along with her, not only because of the "I'm Available" pin but because her beloved granddaughter gets it - the value of family passing on a legacy of faith to children not yet born. Thank you, Becky, for sharing this legacy with us. Perhaps your expression of love will inspire others to go and do likewise.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 9, 2010 12:44 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

Our son posted this list as a note on his Facebook account. While my own parents didn't use these same words as they raised us, they certainly passed on these values. Common sense, pure and simple. Oh, how I hope parents will not only agree and smile at the truths but will also incorporate them into their lives and insist on passing them on to their children. Parents have an uphill battle in fighting the myths our culture has embraced. Many of these truths are rooted in truths from Proverbs. Teach them young, my friends!

Rule 1: Life is not fair...get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make 40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a cell phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parent's fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you the test as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10. TV is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

~Wise words from Bill Gates

For more on parenting check out Teaching Them Young.

Posted At : July 7, 2010 10:31 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

7. Partner in ministry. Find an outreach ministry in which you can serve together. Not only will this activity deepen your relationship, it will help teach your children to love serving the church.

8. Always remember the Biblical priorities in your relationships. When our children were very little I gave Sharon a plaque that reminded us of our priorities: The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Our Biblical family priorities are: Christ, Spouse, Children. Church. Work. Note that your spouse comes before your children - always.

And note that there is no other person on the face of the earth that can take the place of your spouse. Fidelity in American culture appears to be up for grabs. Wedding rings don't seem to act as a fence for many people. Great temptation comes against godly marriages because God's plan is for marriages to reflect His love. Commit to praying for one another to be faithful in all ways.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : July 6, 2010 8:39 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Hope,Grief,Encouragement

To honor Mark's birthday I plant a rose bush. I'm sentimental - if a child touches an item, I can't throw it out. So these rose bushes have to have symbolic names. The first year I chose a white rose that symbolized the peace and purity of God that I longed to experience in the aftermath of our son's death. The bush rarely bloomed that first year and I concluded it had died. But when I started to pull it out, I noticed a few green leaves. Without any pruning on my part, the bush bore two long stem white roses. When those two died, two more appeared. All summer, every day, two white roses graced that rose bush. No more, no less. A friend came over to give me a gift on July 6, the anniversary of Mark's death. I took her out to the yard to show her the rose bush and explained that I considered the two roses a sign from God - one for Mark and one for Kelly. She smiled and we talked about how God transforms what appears to be dead into a life-giving gift that can bring hope and help to others. That fall that same friend received the same kind of horrific phone call we received on July 6. Her only daughter was killed in a car accident. Chuck and I rushed home from our Florida vacation to be with the family. I walked out back to the rose garden and remembered our conversation. Instead of just two roses there were three long-stemmed perfect white roses. I gasped and concluded that God was sending a treasure in the darkness to my friend, Susan. The three white roses symbolized Mark, Kelly, and Rachel, pure, innocent and redeemed, with Jesus, like Jesus. I cut the roses and made a corsage for my broken friend. She hugged me tightly and wore the roses throughout her daughter's services. No more roses bloomed that year.

The death of a loved one creates an ever widening circle of losses. The sorrow isn't contained within that one relationship. Our sons married sisters whose mother had died when they were very young. Children who experience sudden loss before the age of 18 often do not process grief until the average age of 40. Life experiences remind them of the absence of their loved one in ways that can unexpectedly slam them into a wall. Our children learned this as they approached their weddings and welcomed their children into the world. But God sent Laura a special treasure that we believe was a wedding gift from heaven. And He used a rose bush as the conduit of His love for Laura and once more for me.

"Sweety, come out front with me. I want to show you something." Laura, our future daughter in law, followed her dad to the front of the yard. He stopped at a rose bush filled with blooms. "Laura, you know your mother planted this rose bush when you and Melanie were little. It never bloomed. But look at it. It's filled with roses. I think this is your wedding gift from Mommy." Goose bumps and tears were my response to Laura's gift. But maybe God had something for me, too, as we planned Dan's wedding without his sidekick, Mark, at his side. I rushed outside to my roses. Tears fell when I saw the glorious white roses that filled what was once a sickly bush. Could it be that these roses were another treasure in the darkness, reminding us that God was very aware of the shadow over the joy? A bouquet of her Mommy's roses graced Laura's wedding day.

As the years passed and we approached the eighth anniversary of Mark's death, I didn't expect God to send me any more rose treasures. I concluded that God only sent such treasures when the need was extreme and that year I had started to feel a little more "normal." As the Ghost of Grief is prone to do, he jumped me from behind and the days leading up to July 6 were excruciating. How long, O Lord, how long? I walked outside on that hot summer morning, trying to reconcile God's love with Mark's absence. God surprised me with a love note that reminded me He was very aware of my broken heart. Eight long stemmed white roses bloomed on this once dying bush. Eight.

Sometimes, though, we miss the treasures. Thankfully, God doesn't give up in drawing our attention to His love. Our daughter, Heidi, her husband Greg and their three children lived with us while their new house was being built. They all knew the story of my roses so on July 6 Greg expectantly checked out what was blooming. We were in the middle of a terrible drought so I knew there would be no roses this year. Greg came inside and reported, 'There's a beautiful, large red rose." I smiled and said, "It's on the City of Hope bush." But for some reason, the gift of roses had lost its appeal for me, especially since this single rose was not on my white, once dying bush. Two months later I spoke at a women's conference where I met a newly bereaved mother. She shared with me her own rose story, of how God clearly grew a specific number of large roses at just the right time to turn her heart toward him so that she would know how intimately involved He was with her. Then she said, "It wasn't until I learned that a single red rose means 'I will love you forever' and 'utmost devotion' that I recognized God's fingerprints on this gift."

Ah! Suddenly my eyes and heart saw God's gift on that hot, dry July day. In the middle of a dry season, when everything else was dying, God sent me a love note in the shape of a single large red rose. "Sharon, remember, I will love you forever. I am forever committed to loving you."

For those skeptics reading this, it's ok that you may minimize the "echoes of mercy" that God sends to broken-hearted people, treasures designed by Him. Just as lovers have a private language that no one else can understand, we have an intimate connection with our God that only speaks to our hearts. This note is for other broken people who may need to ask God to remove the scales from their eyes so they can see and receive those treasures in the darkness, designed by God to remind them of His presence and love. Such stories encourage my own heart to trust God more.

Today, on July 6, 2010, a single red rose blooms on my City of Hope rosebush this morning, a bush I added to our rose bed in honor of Mark's birthday years ago. A treasure in the darkness, sent by our Sufficient God to remind me that He is the Lord my God, the One Who calls me by name, on the anniversary of the last day we saw our son alive seventeen years ago.

A love note from my Sufficient God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 3, 2010 2:50 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Hope

Our military men and women and their families face the struggles of everyday life compounded by the pressures of extended and frequent deployment 365 days a year. The Department of Veteran's Affairs and the Department of Defense have expressed serious concern about the mental health and well being of our troops and about the lack of available resources for them. In response to the call for help and hope for these precious warriors and their families we produced the Coming Home from War audio CD. Participants in these interviews are active and retired military who frankly address how families and couples can better prepare for and survive deployment. We confront the challenges of War and Marriage, War and the Family and The Demons of War. Because of the generous gifts of our supporters, we have distributed thousands of these resources FREE of charge to our troops and their families. Military families face the same daily challenges as non-military but deployment and long term separations magnify their struggles. In addition to the three-part Coming Home from War series, we are offering help and hope to our military families by providing full sets of the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD library to chaplains and military base family counseling centers. Our military families serve us every day. We want to serve them by giving them these resources that offer help and hope. You can serve our military families with your donation that will help underwrite these gifts.

Americans celebrate Independence Day on July 4. Since the founding of our country, citizens enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because of the sacrifices of thousands upon thousands of American citizens who gave their lives physically and emotionally to protect our freedom of religion, worship, and speech. Throughout our history, Americans have battled to not only protect our freedoms but the freedoms of citizens in other countries. None of our freedoms are truly free. They are ours because others protect them for us. A soldier or their loved ones will tell us that for those who have fought for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know. To paraphrase the words of a Vietnam Veteran, A soldier will see and hear what others who have not fought will never see or hear; A soldier will smell and taste what others who have not fought will never smell or taste; A soldier will feel, sense and always remember what others who have not fought will never know.

MARKINC Ministries has a history of supporting our military men, women and their families and salutes those who have served and are now serving to protect our freedoms and the country we love. But, a salute is not enough. As Americans look forward to celebrating Independence Day on July 4, we are launching Operation Help and Hope for Military Families. Our goal is to not only provide the Coming Home from War audio resources to our military families, but to also distribute the entire Learning To See When the Lights Go Out CD library to chaplains and military base family counseling centers free of charge to the recipients. Just as someone paid the price for our freedoms, someone must underwrite the cost of producing and distributing these resources to our military heroes. Can you help? For every gift of $35 or more, we will send the entire set of these CDs to a chaplain or military family counseling center and you will receive a thank you gift from MARKINC Ministries. For every gift of $100 we will send three full sets of these CDs and you will receive a thank you gift as well. Our military families serve us 24/7. Let's serve them by providing help and hope for their daily lives.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : June 30, 2010 12:36 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

5. Pray and worship together. Pray together every day. Sharon and I started our marriage with the habit of praying together every night before going to sleep. It's tough to pray with someone with whom you are arguing. Our children tell us that they sometimes heard us praying late at night. Such moments not only strengthen a couple but help a child feel safe.

6. Don't ever take for granted your relationship. Continually focus on growing up in your marriage. Do not discount the little things, treating each other with respect and dignity, expressing your love regularly. Early in our marriage Sharon witnessed a newly married friend looking deep into the eyes of her husband and smiling warmly. That picture imprinted on her heart the need to save her best smiles for me as well as her children. Consider how you are able to stop yelling at your spouse in order to answer the phone with warmth! How do we do that? Because we make a choice to treat others better than our spouse. This should not be so in your home.

A few years ago, the Harry S. Truman Library in Independence, MO made public 1,300 recently discovered letters that the late President wrote to his wife, Bess, over the course of a half-century. Mr. Truman had a lifelong rule of writing to his wife every day they were apart. He followed this rule whenever he was away on official business or whenever Bess left Washington to visit her beloved Independence. Scholars are examining the letters for any new light they may throw on political and diplomatic history. For our part, we were most impressed by the simple fact that every day he was away, the President of the United States took time out from his dealing with the world's most powerful leaders to sit down and write a letter to his wife. Bits & Pieces, October 15, 1992, pp. 15-16.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 29, 2010 12:11 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

3. Pick your battles. Is it really worth fighting vehemently over who takes out the trash, loads the dishwasher, is the sloppiest? You fill in your own pet peeves.

Consider this wise woman's plan for dealing with conflict:

On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'" Roderick McFarlane, in Reader's Digest, December, 1992.

4. Understand the uniqueness and greatness of Biblical roles. After 38 years of marriage, Sharon and I are still learning how to live out God's commands on marriage! How do I love her as Christ loves the church? I am willing to physically die for her but dying to myself every day is what Christ requires and my wife desires. Sharon is called on to respect and honor me, to submit to my leadership as her protector and provider. Sharon is a strong, gifted woman and it's my responsibility to make sure she has the freedom to use her gifts to build God's kingdom. Although it is much easier now because of the habits of grace God is growing in us, there are times when we must step back and resolve conflicts and differences in the context of those roles. Study Ephesians 5 together and especially note verse 21: 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 21 A marriage that lives out this command will reflect redemption. In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 27, 2010 11:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

1. Develop a Christocentric Worldview, in particular God's view of marriage.

Consider this challenge to live out God's call to reflect His relationship to the church in our marriages:

They say a wife and husband, Bit by bit, Can rear between themselves a mighty wall, So thick they cannot speak with ease through it, Nor can they see across it, it stands so tall. Its nearness frightens them, but each alone is powerless to tear its bulk away; And each dejected wishes he had known for such a wall, some magic thing to say. So let us build with master art, my dear, A bridge of love between your life and mine, A bridge of tenderness, and very near, A bridge of understanding, strong and fine, Till we have formed so many lovely ties, There never will be room for walls to rise. (Author unknown)

And:

Joseph H. Choate was a thorough gentleman as well as a distinguished lawyer in this country some years back. He had a quick wit which made him good copy for journalists. Someone once asked him, "Mr. Choate, if you were not yourself, who would you most like to be?" Without a second's hesitation Choate replied, "Mrs. Choate's second husband." Bits & Pieces, May 27, 1993, p. 23.

2. Marry the right person. Consider the price John Wesley and his wife paid for entering marriage without good counsel:

While crossing a bridge in London, John Wesley stumbled and sprained his ankle. Some friends carried him to the house of Mrs. Mary Vazielle on Threadneedle Street. She was a widow with several children. She cared for Wesley and his response to her concern was to ask her to marry him. If we were writing fiction we might say that the sprained ankle was God's providential way to bring those people together. But the marriage was a disaster, and Mary finally left John. Had Wesley consulted with his brother Charles, and asked for the prayers of the brethren, he might have avoided that unfortunate situation. Mary was accustomed to her quiet home, and it was difficult for her to travel with her husband and stay in uncomfortable inns. It is unfortunate that Mary was not content just to ignore John's ministry; she actually opposed it. She gave certain personal letters to his enemies and even made additions to them that made them worse! Once she even pulled her husband around on the floor by his hair! "I felt as though I could have knocked the soul out of her!" one of Wesley's friends said. Wesley concluded that his unhappy marriage encouraged him to work harder and not complain about missing the comforts of a home. Certainly it encouraged him to be away from home more! W. Wiersbe, Wycliffe Handbook of Preaching and Preachers, Moody Press, 1984, p. 246.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 24, 2010 12:43 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

People of faith often forget that the first place to serve our God is in their marriages and homes. And when we forget that important principle, we endanger the godly legacy that it is our privilege to help build. If we are going to leave a godly legacy for the next generation we must divorce-proof our home and our legacy.

A few years ago, I preached a message series titled, "Twenty-seven Precious Promises." Every week our congregation looked at a Scriptural promise from each book of the New Testament. We determined how that promise equips us to be a redemptive presence in this fallen world. We learned the definition of "redemptive presence" in

Matthew 6:33: But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

My wife, Sharon, and I chose to engrave this verse on the inside of our wedding bands as a reminder of our life calling. These few words teach us a profound truth: our faith is practical and we must choose to live life through the grid of a Biblical worldview.

How often people excited and passionate about Christ and living for Him, forget that the first place we need to be a redemptive presence is in our own homes, our own marriages. When it's easier to be holy while "serving God" at church with Christian friends, we convince ourselves that our homes are not our priority. Yet this is a lie from the enemy because it's in our homes that we show a broken world what the love of Christ really is.

In Mark 5 Jesus makes it clear that our first priority for reflecting redemption is in the context of family. In a stunning show of power, Jesus healed a demoniac by forcing the demons into a herd of pigs. Their demonic power was so great the pigs rushed over a cliff and died. The grateful man is filled with joy and passion for Christ. He wants to go with Jesus and His disciples to help build God's kingdom. Jesus' response is startling:

Jesus did not let him [go with them], but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you."

We often hear that 50% of marriages, even in the evangelical church, end in divorce. Would that statistic be different if couples applied this command to their marriages? If they saw their homes as their priority for reflecting the love of Christ - even when it's tough?
Over the next couple of weeks, we are posting Ten Ways to Help Divorce-Proof Your Marriage. We pray that God will use these nuggets to make your marriage and home your priority.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 17, 2010 12:25 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper shocked many friends and supporters when they announced the dissolution of their over forty-year marriage. They explained that there was "no one else" but that they had drifted apart. We hope that the media and public give Al and Tipper privacy and the freedom to find their way back to one another.

A friend commented, "You just never know. They always acted so in love and committed to each other." It's true. No one but the husband and wife really know what a marriage is like. And sometimes, not even the husband or wife know the true condition of their spouse's heart. We can take a lesson from our former Vice President and his wife. We must guard our marriages. Scripture teaches us much about building a strong marriage, from the Song of Solomon to thousands of verses that address how to treat one another in any relationship to the many Proverbs that directly address faithfulness between a husband and wife.

According to this very public couple, adultery is not an issue. Neither of them have turned to another person. Yet when a couple "drifts apart" the root cause is neglect of their relationship which means other priorities have created an environment of unfaithfulness to their marriage vows.

According to Jesus, it's possible to commit adultery and never have an immoral physical relationship with another person. Let's think about this for a minute. Paul declared that ALL scripture is profitable for doctrine, correction, reproof, and equipping for righteousness. Therefore, we need to determine how Jesus' warning about looking at another woman with lust in our hearts is adultery applies to each of us. How do we drift apart in marriage? Perhaps it starts when we look at any other avenue for satisfaction and that avenue does not lead us back to a stronger relationship with our spouse. Instead, we end up at the corner of Discontent and Boredom rather than at the center of Satisfaction and Delight.

There are numerous passages in Proverbs that warn a young man to avoid the adulterous woman. Many readers cannot relate to a woman dressed as a prostitute walking under their window, seductively whispering, "My husband is out for the evening, come and talk a while with me..." Yet this scripture is profitable as a means to equip us for all good works.

Proverbs 5 - 6 outlines the downward spiral of adultery with specific, graphic warnings of the outcome. If lusting after another person is not your core struggle, replace the "adulterous woman" with any desire, activity, or relationship that you may be putting before your spouse. Before you reject the possibility that you may have such an idol, consider Proverbs 29:20 - This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I've done nothing wrong." Remember, we're trying to learn from Al and Tipper and guard against drifting away from our spouse. It's time to do a marriage gut check and that won't happen if we are unwilling to consider the possibility that we need to make some changes.

After Solomon graphically warns his son in Proverbs 5, he encourages him with how to guard against anything that could distract him from his marriage:

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well...Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

There is much more in this passage than a call to recapture the ecstasy of youthful physical intimacy. One assignment we give couples struggling to rebuild their marriages, is for them to make a list of what attracted them to one another. What did they enjoy doing together in the beginning of their marriage? We try to guide them to recapture the FUN of their marriage. While this will not solve deep-seated issues, sometimes it's all a couple needs to get back on track.

Over the next couple of weeks, we will post clips from an article by Chuck, Priorities that Build Strong Marriages.

We've been married forty-one years. And we endorse Solomon's counsel to his son. It applies whether you're 21 or 62.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : May 31, 2010 4:48 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

War is hell. This is not a political statement. Memorial Day is set aside as the day to remember this fact: that thousands upon thousands of Americans made the ultimate sacrifice when they went into the hell of war and didn't return to their families.

Last night we watched a movie (Taking Chance) based on a true story that chronicled the emotional journey of the Colonel who requested the privilege of escorting home a fallen Marine. It's a painful movie to watch but in honor of all those who have given their lives so that we can experience the freedoms of America, we had to see it to the end.

We both cried and the aftermath of that stark picture of the reality of the ultimate sacrifice of our military and their families will stay with us forever. We have family members who are serving us in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every day they are safe is a gift. Saturday a team from MARKINC Ministries distributed the Coming Home from Warto veterans who participated in the motorcycle Run for the Wall. Thousands of Viet Nam Veterans and their families travelled to pay tribute to the thousands of men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice but were not honored by our country until much later.

We must not forget those families and friends whose precious loved ones made the ultimate sacrifice or those who continue to pay a price only war veterans understand.

Perhaps it's because of the families we have met through the distribution of our resource, Coming Home from War, that this Memorial Day is more poignant and emotional for us. This summer we will produce the fourth interview in our Coming Home from War CD series: The Ultimate Sacrifice. We will spend time with the wife of a fallen soldier and the mother of a fallen Marine. Because of our own life journey, we intimately connect with the grief caused by death. We will continue to urge others to acknowledge that while it is possible to find purpose and joy once more, there will always be a piece of our hearts that belong to those fallen loved ones. Just acknowledging that fact gives permission to grieving people to embrace life.

We recognize that most people do not want to face the aftermath of death but on this day designed to remember, we recommend that you read this article and view the accompanying photographs and video. You will be moved to tears but your appreciation and respect will be changed forever.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon Betters

Posted At : May 7, 2010 10:10 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

I love the way Facebook connects me with friends. Their posts keep me connected to their children's funny comments and family outings, home invasions of spiders and snakes, pictures of homeschooling projects and accomplishments, book recommendations, responses to Lost episodes and shared spiritual lessons. Facebook also gives me a glimpse and reminder of the ongoing grief some of my friends experience every single day. And especially in the midst of changing seasons.

Almost seventeen years have passed since our son, Mark, physically left our presence. He's been gone longer than he was with us. My heart aches for my son. The Ghost of Grief surprises me by its presence in the changing seasons. Every spring I express how mystified I am by the deeper level of weariness I experience and Chuck reminds me, "Changing seasons make our grief sharper, especially in the spring when we face Mother's Day and Mark's birthday once more." Aha, now I know why it's harder for me to be "nice" and control the emotions that are always just below the surface. Now I remember how much energy such self-control requires and how it saps my already low reserves of emotional strength.

I see Facebook statuses from grieving friends who are experiencing that same kind of surprising longing for their missing brothers or sisters or daughter or son. They express so beautifully their need to just talk to them one more time or their deep desire for that ultimate reunion, the wish of seeing their loved one's pleasure in their earthly accomplishments. I read these thoughts and my heart just aches with a similar longing. I can't find words to describe the ugliness of grief - sometimes just UGH.

Seventeen years later - the longing is deep and fresh and unbroken. All I need to hear from a grieving friend is "I wish....." and I know immediately the driving anguish that brings that desire to the surface. We live with it every day but once in a while we just have to say it. For all my broken hearted friends, struggling to reconcile God's sovereignty with His love, for my fellow grief travellers who are longing for those who are no longer with us physically, especially as our grief is sharpened by the changing seasons, remember this: God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down, relax My hold on you. Assuredly not! (Hebrews 13:5, Amplified) I hope this promise and song by Matt Redmond will give you a reason to release those tears and choose to trust that you are not alone in your sorrow. He's there and you are in His grip. We're there together.

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : May 6, 2010 6:48 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

"I can't do this. I just can't and I won't."

The morning was almost over and I was emotionally spent from all the tests required to determine if and how far the cancer had spread. The bone scan was physically painless but emotionally torturous. What if the cancer was in my bones? Would I die?

Would I need chemo-therapy? I hated needles and was terrified of nausea and vomiting. Though I hated my hair, I didn't want to lose it. Was surgery absolutely necessary?

Chuck pulled me into a small room, ready to take on anyone who may have insulted or hurt me. And I whispered again, "I can't do this, Chuck. I just can't and I won't."

"Did someone hurt you? What can't you do? What do you mean?"

"I can't have cancer. I won't. I can't do this. Doesn't God understand, this is too hard and too much?"

Twenty-three years later, whenever I hear about a cancer diagnosis in a friend, the memory of my fear of cancer and the unknown that I experienced in my battle against this aggressive, sneaky disease comes rushing back in high definition color. Once during my journey in this foreign land where I didn't know the customs, the language, the people, I listed every time I cried. I think I stopped at over twenty-five tearful moments.

I recently asked Chuck if he ever thought I would die from the cancer and he said yes. Instead of allowing that fear to root, he said he hung on to our oncologist's words, "This aggressive treatment is a six month nightmare that is an investment in the rest of your life." Chuck decided that my dying wasn't an option.

In God's plans, it obviously wasn't but it took me over a year after my last chemo treatment to feel physically normal again. And it took many years of regular bone scans and check ups before I trusted the cancer was completely gone.

Every once in a while, I have an ache or pain and my mind goes to cancer. Is it back? If it is, will it win this time?

In that split second, I am faced with a choice. If it is back, will I trust God's sovereign plan and choose to reflect Him in the journey? Will I remember the lessons of faith that God gave me in the foreign land of cancer during my first journey? This quote by Jim Andrews reminds me to look back over God's faithful presence in the daily moments and have confidence that He will keep His promises again:

What is meant by "monumental" faith? I do not mean "great" faith or heroic faith. No, this is a faith that has trained itself in the midst of adversity to look back at God's past demonstrations of his character and confirmations of his promises. These monuments are a testimony of what he will do in the present, regardless of the difficult things that are happening. Polishing God Monuments by Jim Andrews

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 4, 2010 6:34 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Lord, help me sort out "important" vs. "urgent." I am very concerned about ticket sales for the Gala. I've done everything I know to do and yet sales are slow. Help me rest in You, trust You with the results of our hard work.

This was my journal entry ten days before the MARKINC Ministries Grand Dessert Gala and Mark Schultz Concert. I was worried. None of us had a good feeling about the fundraising aspects of the event. The faltering economy in our region had hit us hard, just as it had hit hard many other non-profit organizations. We had cut our budget everywhere possible and I fully expected we would need to cut even more. Yet, the requests for our resources were growing, not diminishing. While I was worried, I also expected God to use the success or failure of the fundraising of this event to guide our future vision. As I wrote up our program for the night, I included the vision of distributing 50,000 Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CDs free of charge. We need $200,000 to accomplish this goal. This goal is $80,000 higher than any other year. In addition to funds raised at the event, we are also approaching funders for grants. If we were to even come close to achieving this distribution, God had a lot of work cut out for Himself!

After recording that prayer in my journal, I turned to Psalm 20 (since it was April 20). This scripture is a prayer for King David just before he was going out to battle against a powerful enemy. His people add their prayers to his. As I read, I concluded this was God's direct response to my worrisome heart. My translation:

May God answer me. Send me help from the sanctuary, the church. May He send me help from Zion, heaven itself. May He give me the desire of my heart. May my heart (emotions, thoughts, motivations, and actions) desire only His glory. May all my plans succeed, only if they satisfy His glory. Are my plans really Yours? Some trust in chariots (hard work) and some in horses (lots of people attending the event) but I will trust in the name of the Lord and His purposes. I know we're in a spiritual war for the hearts of broken people. Proverbs teaches me to make plans by seeking advice; and that if I wage war, to obtain guidance (Proverbs 20:8). Yet with all that advice seeking and planning, I know I haven't done everything right. Our resources are so limited. At some point, I have to accept we've done all we can humanly do. Luke 14:31 - 32 reminds me to count the cost of war and when outnumbered to seek peace, to negotiate. We're outnumbered but we will not negotiate with the enemy. I surrender to my limitations and trust You to stand in the gap. I've made many mistakes and forgotten important tasks. But Lord, you are the mover of hearts. So I must rest in You and Your power. Whatever happens at the event is in Your hands.

Someone has said that worry is taking on responsibility that God never intended you to have. Sometimes I have trouble determining when I am worrying and when I am being diligent. I was definitely worrying while being diligent in this case! This Psalm confronted me with the worry part and God gave me freedom from the stress as I verbalized my repentance and embraced confidence that no matter what happened through this event, God was responsible. If we didn't raise a lot of money, that meant we needed to re-evaluate our vision in the context of God's provisions.

I'm so glad that for the next ten days I continued to work hard but without worry. Because if I hadn't I would have to accept how much energy I wasted on worry that was misplaced. God moved hearts at the Gala in a way that we could not. Guests gave and/or pledged over $135,000 through the message of this night. That is more than we have ever raised in one event.

We believe that money is the least of God's worries though it certainly is on the top of the list for ministries. God uses money to confirm a vision or a missionary's call to a foreign field. We believe that if God is in a vision then He has already given funds to His people for that vision. People just need to hear Him when He reminds them that the money doesn't belong to them, they are simply keeping it safe until time to give it to the ministry for which He earmarked it.

I'm so grateful to those who listened on Friday night! And I've shared with so many people the story of Psalm 20, that when facing an enemy with what appears to be an overpowering army, I'm learning to trust not in horses and chariots but in the name of the Lord. What horses and chariots are you depending on? Can they really accomplish what only God can do?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 1, 2010 10:30 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Every time my mind fights sleep and I start to get angry and frustrated, I remember a devotional that I heard Elisabeth Elliot's daughter, Valerie, give at a women's retreat.

We were in a conference center located in a beautiful, dessert like setting in California. I spoke several times on the topic of Treasures of Encouragement in the Wilderness of Suffering. I can't remember most of what I said but I will never forget the simple message of Valerie's devotions. We were all in our PJ's, gathered for a last few minutes before the end of the day and I was emotionally and mentally exhausted, eager to regroup.

Valerie began by sharing her own need for sleep. She said she found that if she had a certain number of hours sleep every night, she could handle the many demands of her large family. She was so committed to this number, that she planned her life around sleeping so that she could be in bed at a certain hour every night. For years, her system worked and then with no warning, she experienced sleeplessness. She panicked and started trying every means she knew to make her body fall asleep at the appointed hour. To no avail. She cried, she was irritated, frustrated, even angry that her body refused to shut down according to her predetermined schedule and needs.

Valerie described her short temper while trying to cope, how tired she was during the day and increasingly upset that she wasn't getting the sleep she knew she had to have.

I don't remember how long this sleeplessness lasted, but I became tired listening to her describe how exhausted she was as a result of what felt like never ending exhaustion.

Then Valerie confessed, "I begged God to give me sleep and He didn't answer my prayer. I was asking Him for something good, something I needed in order to do the tasks required of me as a mother and a wife. He repeatedly denied my request. I begged harder, cried more, became angrier. I demand that He keep this promise in Psalm 127:2, 'for he grants sleep to those he loves.' When He didn't, I wondered if He was even listening to me!"

I resonated with Valerie's frustration and remembered my own sleepless nights. Then she said something so simple and yet so profound I will always remember it, "I finally realized that God is sovereign over my sleep and that I could trust Him to give me the rest I needed for the tasks at hand. If I only got 4 hours of sleep instead of 8 or 9, then that must be all I needed for the day ahead. While I still longed for more sleep and I was still tired during the day, my attitude took a complete turn and I began to see that my theology applied to every day details. I had made an idol out of my sleep."

And then we prayed and went to bed!

Hmmm, I'll leave the application of this truth in your life up to you and your Father.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 30, 2010 9:53 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

I couldn't sleep at all last Saturday night. And sleeplessness for me is unusual.

After tossing and turning, I finally gave up and tried the ultimate sleeping pill: Prayer.

It seems that every time Chuck and I pray these days, we end our conversation with God like this, "And, please, Lord, we need wisdom. You know the challenges facing us. Lord, wisdom, please."

So Saturday night and into early Sunday morning I listed one more time, for my God who knows everything, all the circumstances in our life as well as those in the lives of people we love.

I reminded God that He is my covenant God, that He has promised to hear me and that if I need wisdom, He will give it to me. Just ask.

I told Him how much I love the people who are on my heart and asked Him to burden my heart with others who might not be sleeping either because of great sorrow or excruciating decisions or broken relationships. Things I wouldn't know but secrets known only to Him.

I fell asleep with one particular family on my mind as I asked God to give them a sense of His presence while they struggled to make sense of their own life difficulties.

Before going to church I sent a quick email to my friend, telling her that God kept me awake with her needs on my heart and that I had asked Him to give her strength beyond herself as she faced that day.

Sunday night I read a response. Why was I shocked to learn that at almost the exact time in the middle of the night that God burdened me with her name that she was facing yet another crisis? My momentary shock gave way to feeling humbled that God would give me the privilege of staying awake through the night to pray for a dear sister who could not pray for herself in those moments. As I write this I am overcome with a deep appreciation for God's love for my friend, that He connected me to her through prayer. And I know that hearing that God had moved me to pray at that exact moment reminded her that she is His child, that He is the Lord her God and that He calls her by name. I am so humbled by God using me as a channel of His compassion!

Are you sleepless in your hometown? Can you surrender to the sleeplessness as a gift from God so that you can pray for those He loves? Have you told His children that He reminded you to pray for them?

This incident reminds me of the truth of Encouragement Principle #9 in my book, Treasures of Encouragement: Consistent, fervent prayer is the greatest treasure of encouragement we have to offer. I need to remember to offer this gift more often.

I'd love to hear your story of how God reminded you of His love through the prayers of someone else. Or, how God reminded you of His love for you by giving you the privilege of praying for that friend.

Prayer - the greatest treasure of encouragement

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 7, 2010 11:51 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Cancer. Breast Cancer. The words strike terror into the heart of any woman. True life stories of women who have fought or are fighting this battle give us courage in our own life struggles. Help me honor these valiant women by telling their stories in my blog posts. These women and the example of those who have come alongside of them to encourage them to fight hard and trust God's presence will encourage and equip readers to do the same. These stories will help lead up to the month of May when we often focus on breast cancer in honor of Mother's Day.

I was thirty-nine years old when I heard that diagnosis of the beginnings of Stage III breast cancer. How could it be? I share my story in the article, Every Day Lived Since Cancer is Sweet Victory.

I learned a lot about myself during the months following my diagnosis and during the aggressive six months of chemotherapy. I also learned a lot about the power of encouragement. The women of our church decided to walk through this foreign land with me and they wouldn't let me keep them out. I share some of the practical ways they encouraged me in the article Helping a Friend Through Breast Cancer.

They held up our arms when we couldn't function on our own. When we lost our son, they flew to our wounded hearts again.

One of the fruits of these two broken places in our lives is my book, Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church. We have put together a special Mother's Day Gift Package that includes Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church and the Treasures of Encouragement Annual Planner. As a special bonus, we will include the hour long interview. ORDER NOW! Chuck and I did on our journey through breast cancer from our Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD library. The gift package is ready to give, including a gift bag, gift card, and tissue paper. We hope this gift will not only encourage and equip your loved ones, but also remind them to get a mammogram, perhaps in honor of Mother's Day!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 13, 2010 3:41 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Faith,Encouragement

Over the next few weeks Chuck and I will add some joint posts on our blogs. This one is from Chuck.

"All you have to do is preach through Hebrews 11 and I'll do the rest." Sharon had just shared one of our dreams with me. She loved Hebrews 11 and wanted to write a book on what she called "God's Waiting Room." She also wanted us to co-author the book. She said my task would be to research and preach on each character in the chapter. She would condense the preaching into book form.

I responded, "As long as all I have to do is preach. Yes, I can do that."

It was fun to see how excited she was as we mapped out a timeline and talked through the process we would follow.

As the sermon series unfolded and Sharon transcribed every message and organized the material, we began to see that preaching doesn't always lend itself to writing. This process would be much more difficult than we expected. I preached fourteen sermons on Abraham alone. This promised to be a grueling process.

Anyone who writes books knows that publishing dates often get moved up. But this was not an option for us. Every year the Women in the Church of the Presbyterian Church in America recommends a small group Bible study . That year they were holding a national conference and would introduce our book as the recommended small group study for that following year. Our publisher endorsed our plan and we committed to a detailed timeline for getting finished chapters to our editor. While it was difficult we met every deadline.

Through circumstances beyond our control, the publication of the book was delayed. The Women in the Church leadership told our publisher that if it was not in their offices by a specific date, they would not be able to recommend it as the small group Bible study.

Suddenly we had about two months to edit, finalize and publish not only the book but a detailed Leaders Guide. The editing process had not even begun. Anyone with any sense knew that we were embarking on an impossible task. But everyone involved agreed it was worth trying.

Let the writing marathon begin. Every few days we received two edited chapters from our publisher., one for the book and one for the Leaders Guide. After a couple of weeks of non-stop writing that started earlier every day and lasted until late at night, I knew Sharon could not keep up this pace. One of the themes of the book was cultivating community and becoming channels of God's compassion. I told Sharon she needed to practice what she was preaching. Ask two of her writing friends to help her write the Leaders Guide. These two women joined the writing team and their fingerprints are all over the Leaders Guide. We wouldn't have met our deadline without them.

Fifty-seven sermons and months of intense writing later, Treasures of Faith: Living Boldly in View of God's Promises arrived in the offices of the Presbyterian Church in America in time to meet the deadline. That fall it was introduced to several thousand women at the conference in Atlanta as the recommended Bible study for the year.

This book is filled with in-depth Bible study that gets the reader into the skin of each person in our spiritual family. Sharon says that sometimes she couldn't see the keyboard or computer screen as she wrote because of how emotionally connected she felt to the biblical person she was writing about.

We are offering Treasures of Faith at a reduced price and including an Introductory CD interview in which Sharon and I talk about the writing process and this study. Click here to order. We also have a Small Group Study Package that includes 10 books, 10 Bonus CD's and a FREE Leaders Guide for a savings of $78 off the retail price.

This book traces our spiritual family tree and will change the way you think about your spiritual roots. For more details visit our Treasures of Faith book page

Remember Sharon's promise that all I would have to do is preach? Not. I'll share more about the book in the next few weeks.

In His Grip,
Dr. Chuck Betters

Posted At : March 10, 2010 11:38 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Family,Aging

"Do you have Grammy?" Katie didn't want me to get left behind. Our family of 21 was piled into several cars to head to Downtown Disney and everyone in my car laughed out loud at eleven-year-old Katie's question. But Katie's serious and obvious concern started me thinking about how our grands might view us (OLD and needing oversight?).

The next day we experienced every parent's nightmare when one of our six year old twinnies melted into the Disney crowds and was missing for an eternity (at least five minutes). Some of the cousins cried tears of relief along with the adults when we saw her walking toward her Mommy. After that terrifying experience, not one of the thirteen cousins objected when their parents demanded they stay close and connected to at least one adult. For the next few days all of us counted heads. During one of those counting moments, nine-year-old Mollie seriously remarked, "I'm keeping my eye on Grammy!"

Again, all the adults laughed because she sounded like a mommy watching a child. If you're familiar with any of my worldview, you know I am passionate about legacy and passing on a biblical view to our children and grandchildren. So I know our grands are watching us, but watching out for us? Mollie's comment started me thinking again about how I viewed my grandparents at this age. From my childhood and teen seasons of life, they looked OLD! (I also thought my parents were very old and now I know they were actually very young.) Do our grands see me as that old? I think so. And do I really need someone to keep an eye on me? Well, maybe on some days.

A few days earlier our son Chuck and I exchanged views on Florida snowbirds (retirees who escape to warm climates during winter months). I remarked that I sometimes feel depressed when we arrive at the Ft. Myers Airport in Florida because all I see are old people. I'm sad because I know this is where I'm heading. (See, I don't think I'm one of them yet!) And I don't like it. The sea of white hair, wheelchairs and sometimes hobbling, bent over adults confront me with my struggle to reconcile God's view of aging with L'Oreal's marketing scheme:

Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. Proverbs 16:21

The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old. Proverbs 20:29

God's view just doesn't square with my body's view of aging as in "help me get off the floor, please." Maybe that's why our grandchildren think I need to be watched over!

Son Chuck's different take on this sea of aging humanity was different than mine: "Well, they actually encourage me because they are active, they aren't giving up on life, they seem to be enjoying it. Something fun to look forward to."

Wow. The grid through which we view life is everything. I don't see myself as old. Maybe I'm a young old. Maybe 62 is the new 52. I have periods when my life feels busier now than when I was raising four children. Opportunities for ministry in this season of life are more than I have hours in my day to accomplish. And as long as I get my Happy Hour (afternoon nap), I'm good to go!

Back to being watched over by our grandchildren. As Chuck and I walked into Hollywood Studios with 3 of them, Mollie pointed out the Sorcerer's Hat and said, "Mommy and Daddy told us that if we get separated from them, to come to the Sorcerer's Hat and they would find us." I smiled and asked, "Are you telling me that so that if you get lost, I'll know where to find you or are you worried about me getting lost?" Mollie smiled mischievously and replied, "I'm just saying..."

I'm thinking that our grands are not just watching us live life, they are now watching out for us. I like it.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : February 28, 2010 5:59 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

Our daughter, Heidi Nequist, poignantly describes an impact of death that many experience but is often hidden from view. Perhaps her thoughts will reveal quiet opportunities for us to reach out and touch a broken heart that is trying to find its way back to the lap of God.

There were two instances this week in which I was reminded of the aftermath that death leaves in it's wake. There are the obvious broken hearts, the extreme loss, the empty arms, the grave, and the intense longing for heaven for those who know Jesus. And most people expect these things from the family of the one who has died...but I continue to be amazed that death touches so many...it spreads it's evil tentacles and grabs whoever it can and tries to destroy them. On Sunday, I was speaking with someone about a matter completely unrelated to death in anyway. She was sharing with me about how certain things have rocked her faith over the years. This is someone I consider to be a spirital rock and someone I have always looked up to. She was talking about divorce and how the concept of Christians divorcing has always scared her. She said that when it happens to someone she knows, she questions God and asks what will protect HER from the same thing? She paused and looked at me, and with tears in her eyes stated: "It's like after your brother died...my faith was rocked." She went on to say that she had felt that bad things happened to people as the result of their faith being weak, or the result of their own personal sin. She felt like she could keep bad things from happening. Then, when my brother died, she said that changed everything. She realized that there was nothing she could do to keep her world from falling apart. She shared with me that after Mark died, she didn't come to church for NINE MONTHS! I was shocked! I had NO idea. She said she felt that if God could do this to our family, who had given their whole lives to the work of the kingdom, then surely no one was safe or protected by the God we serve, who claims to love us. The aftermath of death.....lack of faith, the warmth of our Father's arms gone because of our pain, and our inability to absorb the shock of the death. 16 years later we are still hearing about the destruction and aftermath of our grief that was shared by so many.

Then, tonight, I was reconnected with someone I had lost touch with....thanks to Facebook! I had been an influence in her life, and I think of her all the time. I wonder where she is, what she's doing, if she's living out the things she was taught in her brief stay under the influence of the church. She was a foster child of a family I knew. During that time, the foster father died a terrible, painful, and slow death. The only father she had ever known was gone. The only man who had ever shown her love, instead of hate, was gone. And with him, death took her safety. Her life changed dramatically after he died. She ended up on her own again, in many ways by her own doing. She lost all her relationships, she went back to old ways. I asked her tonight if she was happy. No, she isn't. She said, "My dad would be so disappointed in me. I never would have lived this life if he had lived." The aftermath of death.....lack of faith, the warmth of our Father's arms gone because of our pain, and our inability to absorb the shock of the death. I cried as I chatted with her on Facebook and wished it had been different. I wished that I had been in a position to love her and show her the love of Jesus. I wished that I could've touched her more deeply so that my words would've been enough to overcome the grief that was her life. But, I couldn't...I wasn't the one....but there was one. And he suffered the ultimate grief....his own excrutiating death on the cross. As I was chatting with her a song came on the radio....."Come to Jesus.....Come to Jesus...." This song, sang at the funeral of 11 year old Ashley will forever haunt me. It will forever conjure up the images of a broken Daddy and Mommy wailing in agony for their baby girl. It will forever speak to the deepest part of my soul. And tonight, as I chatted across the country with a girl who stole my heart years and years ago, the song played on my computer....."come to Jesus....come to Jesus...."

-- Heidi's blog, My life...in print! Is a record of her personal battle to discipline her body. She transparently shares how she has lost over 100 pounds and the continuing war to maintain her healthy body. In keeping with her theology to share what God has taught her with others, she is now a personal trainer and helps other women find their way back to a healthy body. Heidi is a loyal friend to many and her compassion and desire to equip, energize and enable others to experience God's grace is evident in the way she offers God's treasures of encouragement. Can you tell, I'm very proud of our daughter!

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : February 14, 2010 3:56 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

"Oh, by the way, this gift covers Valentine's Day, too!" Chuck exclaimed mischievously. He had just given me an Anniversary gift that I envisioned would one day be a family heirloom, worn by a great, great granddaughter on her wedding day. It was that special. He's more romantic in a cultural way than he likes to admit. So I rolled my eyes at his reminder that he hates Valentine's Day. From the time we were married he has stood firm that he doesn't need marketing guru's to tell him how to say "I love you" to his wife. My most recent retort to his proclamation was, "You should be grateful for every opportunity to tell me you love me!" He just laughed.

News stories and headlines might lead us to believe that a faithful man is hard to find. Mention Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Tiger Woods and even the biblical David and our first thought is their infidelity. I heard a "man on the street" interview with two people where they were asked what they thought about Tiger Woods' secret adulterous life. I was shocked to hear both the man and a married woman give a similar response, "He's an attractive man, wealthy, well-known. There are lots of women who want him, so, of course, he can't help what he did." The interviewer tried every which way to get them to say Tiger Woods is responsible for his choices and he made the wrong one. They refused to hold him accountable.

Such responses could lead listeners to believe that such thinking is prevalent in our culture. Perhaps. But I want to celebrate the millions of men who take seriously the vows they made to their wives. Who refuse to take advantage of willing women and give in to temptation. I intend to use Valentine's Day to showcase my own faithful husband and remember some of the ways he has loved me. Real romance is not flowers, diamonds, jewelry and surprise trips. Sure, those are fun and we enjoy those moments but unless real romance reigns in every day interaction, these are just temporary baubles that will quickly fade. Perhaps my musings will encourage other wives to celebrate the mundane along with the majestic demonstrations of their husband's love. Remember and recapture the real romance in your marriage.

Right before our first Easter as a married couple, I found six beautiful tulips in the front seat of my car. Chuck, not only were you saying, I love you, but those tulips symbolized your joy in meeting Jesus a few days before Easter the year before. It's as though you were saying that you were committed to building our marriage on your relationship to Jesus. How safe I felt. Do you remember those tulips? I do.

I was the main breadwinner when we were first married so that you could finish college. You promised that as soon as you got a job, we would start a family and I could quit. Right after we moved into our first parsonage, you reminded me of that promise and soon we were expecting our first child. I was so sick with that pregnancy I couldn't stand the scent of any food or even wash dishes. When our pastor came to visit, I begged you not to bring him to our home because every counter was filled with dirty dishes. You said you would take care of it. I came downstairs and found a clean kitchen. You had put every dirty dish back in the cabinets - still dirty. After entertaining our guest, though we were very poor, you bought a portable dishwasher and took care of the mess. You said you hated washing dishes and didn't want me to have to wash them either. Do you remember? I do!

You brought a seminary friend home to have lunch with us and found me in tears. An older woman in the church had criticized you to me and I was undone. You marched across the street to the women's meeting in progress and told them that they were never to speak evil of you or the church to me again. You set the stage for appropriate conflict resolution in the church as well as how you expected them to treat me. Do you remember? I do.

One day you asked me how a doctor's appointment went. I started crying and said, "My doctor says I'm in a deep depression and need to get away from the church responsibilities. I told her that was impossible." You immediately cancelled all of our meetings, called the chairman of the board and told him you and I were taking off for a few days and you weren't sure when we would be back. Do you remember? I do.

Years later I left church, too distraught to stay. You found a ride home and a wife who couldn't stop crying. I felt unsafe and broken by the church conflict. You laid on the bed with me and told me to read a scripture passage out loud where Jesus told the waves to be still. I cried harder as you assured me that God was in control and that you would keep your promise that you would never put church business ahead of our family. You immediately called a pastoral search committee and asked to be considered for the position of pastor of a small church plant. You had previously told me you had no interest in starting over. But soon, we were embraced by the loving congregation of Glasgow Reformed Presbyterian Church, where you are still the pastor. Do you remember making those decisions through the grid of your love for me and our children? I do.

A year later we learned I had life-threatening breast cancer. Treatment for the disease ravaged my body and emotions yet I never felt more loved by you. As you left my hospital room one night, you heard a Code Blue called on my floor. Within minutes you returned to stay with me while doctors tried to save another patient's life. Another night you called me after going home and said, "I was listening to music on the radio and wanted you to listen to the same music because it makes me think about you." Do you remember? I do.

I learned early on that I have to be careful when I mention things I like or would like to have. Because before long, I know you will find a way to satisfy that desire. A few months ago I said I wanted to paint our colonial blue trim white. You responded, "Do you know how much work that will be? I thought blue was your favorite color. No, we're not painting." I never mentioned it again because I knew you were right. It was fine the way it was. A few weeks ago, you told me to pick out new paint for the sunroom and dining room. Do you remember all the times you've surprised me with such unexpected decisions? I do.

You go to work every day (for over forty years) to provide for your family. You regularly pay the bills and make sure our home and cars are maintained. You plow the garden even though you know that by mid-summer weeds will reign. At my request you add flower beds and bushes and encourage me to decorate our home the way I like. Do you realize how safe such care makes me feel? I do not take for granted your faithful love.

Every decision you have made throughout our marriage has centered on meeting the needs of our children and me. You bought a station wagon when I know you longed for a sports car. You sacrificed your own desires to provide a Christian education for our children. I cherish the memory of you wrestling on the floor with our children and backyard catches with the boys, teaching Mark how to kick a football and talking him through his times at bat. How you slept with Heidi after she came into our bedroom crying, unable to get the vision of a terrifying movie out of her head. The hours you spent chauffeuring the kids to music lessons and sports activities. I love how you split your work schedule so that you never missed a game or concert. How you just walking into a room filled with fear makes me feel safe. This is just a tiny list of the many ways your faithful love creates the fabric of our lives.

Now our adult children are creating homes that reflect the same faithful love. Our sons and son-in-law adore their wives and cherish their children. They work hard to provide for their families. They reflect their love for Christ in the way they approach every day tasks. I see your fingerprints all over their lives.

There is a faithfulness that is day in and day out. It's what happens in the mundane moments of life that creates a majestic legacy of faith.

How do I love thee, my husband? I cannot count the many ways. But know this, I am committed to loving you more every day so that the last season of our life is even more exciting than the first seasons.

I don't need Valentine's Day to say I love you. But I will take advantage of this opportunity to declare to anyone who reads this that I do.

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : February 14, 2010 2:31 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

A friend described our community's enforced homebound status as "life's pause button." I love that concept! Historic snow falls in the northeast captured the nation's attention this past week. No sooner had we dug ourselves out of two feet of snow than the weather channel warned that another major blizzard would hit us four days later. One weatherman expressed the emotional reaction of many with a live meltdown. Click here to check it out. . .

Yes, this weather is a disaster for some as tree limbs and power lines crashed and caused power outages for thousands. God bless the snow plow drivers, EMT's and thousands of workers who struggled to keep our infra-structure working. And many are nursing aching backs and sore muscles from all the shoveling. A downside to a blizzard for sure. But somehow the reaction of many to the snow house arrest seems different than in previous years.

Chuck and I took advantage of the enforced hunkering down and finished home projects that have long cried for attention. I found old recipes and prepared comfort foods that I rarely serve because they take too much time. We enjoyed leisurely mornings in the sunroom, watching the snow fall and ravenous birds empty the birdfeeders. A new friend blessed us when he stopped by to dig out our sidewalk and finish the driveway. I've been wondering why this enforced "house arrest" feels different than previous snowbound days. I think I've found the answer.

God bless the technology of Facebook. Though physically disconnected, we enjoyed community and friendships as soon as our President described the coming blizzard as a snowcalypse. Friends and family started posting snow fall amounts, pictures outside their front doors, funny videos of attempts to build snowmen, navigate the deep snow, create igloos and stories of neighbors helping neighbors. Moms shared how they are coping with restless children (or not!), recipes for crock pot meals and snow ice cream, quiet moments with a good book, and the joy of a nap on a snowy day. Encouragement and joy is contagious and who could resist the fun and joy of so many happy reports? I bet many moms and dads pulled back their impatience and decided to create some fun memories with their children because a friend described their happy snow activities.

Laughter is contagious and unleashes all sorts of good endorphins. Enjoy that kind of emotional high when you laugh at this very funny original piece called "Snow on the Ground" by our friend, Michael Shannon. [NOTE: Must have Facebook account and be logged in to view.]

I love this snow blizzard pause button. We know that God will touch the "play" button and we'll have to jump back into normal life once more. In the meantime, let's enjoy this "pause that refreshes."

Keep sharing those fun stories, videos and pictures. You're encouraging me to soak up God's awesome creation in a new way.

And for all who have cabin fever and are desperate for spring, take hope from this beautiful video. [NOTE: Must have Facebook account and be logged in to view.]

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 25, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

A few years ago I wrapped up a speaking engagement by asking the women to turn to Psalm 30. Something supernatural happened as I began to read. I realized that God was keeping His promises to turn my weeping into joy.

My theme for the conference was Treasures in Darkness and throughout the weekend I had shared the story of our son, Mark's death and how I wrestled to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. I told the women that sometimes I think about our life pathway and wonder at how I am able to breathe, to live with eternal purpose and experience joy in the journey. I have to conclude that God is keeping His promise that before the foundation of the world was laid, He gave me everything I need to perform the good works He planned out for me to do in my lifetime. His definition of good works is so different than mine. Sometimes when I'm speaking I know that my words are foreign and outrageous to the listeners. It's only by the gift of faith that we can recognize His equipping and take steps toward fulfilling His plans for us.

In that supernatural moment during my speaking engagement a light went on in my soul and God seemed to quickly run a video of the many reasons for joy that I have in my life. Of course, my first snapshots were of my husband's faithful love, the walk of obedience in each of our children's lives, their marriages that reflect commitment to one another and biblical love and the joy of our grandchildren. I thought of the deep belly laughter that often filled our house when everyone gathered for family celebrations. Yes, we still had our private moments of our missing son, but our hands and hearts were open to receive the treasures God had designed to give us hope and help in the dark, secret places of our souls.

I exclaimed to the audience, "Next to verse 10, Here, O Lord and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help' I wrote and underlined the word "PLEASE!"

"And in the margin next to verses 11 and 12, 'You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever.' I wrote, 'When will you do this for my family?'"

I continued, "I well remember the anguish in my soul when I begged God for grief relief. And in this very moment, I can proclaim that God is keeping the promise of Psalm 30."

Now, lest you get the wrong idea, please know that sixteen years later, I long for Mark. I miss him so. But in those moments of deep anguish, there is a place of joy that I can go where grief relief waits. Grief set up residence on our home on July 6, 1993. But one day unbeknownst to us Joy slipped in and gently started pushing Grief off of center stage. Grief still resides in our home but Joy has taken up permanent residence as well. Sometimes Joy fades into the background when Grief demands our attention. But Joy always comes back.

Every December we join our church family to celebrate the most wonderful gift of all,Jesus. We expect moments of joy as we connect with our covenant family and believers all over the world through the grace gift of Communion, corporate worship and soul-lifting teaching from God's Word. We'll spend special time with our children and grandchildren, soaking up the joy that exudes from their hugs and giggles. We'll miss Mark and we'll cry for what we don't have. But by God's amazing grace, we will remember that He is keeping His promises to turn our wailing into dancing, to remove our sackcloth and clothe us with His mysterious joy. I do not take one minute of joy for granted.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:12b

In His Grip,
Sharon

Read more about Sharon's grief journey in Treasures in Darkness: A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart

Sign up for FREE Treasures of Encouragement that come right to your email box by using the Subscribe Option at the top left hand corner of this blog.

Posted At : December 23, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Today my friend, Chevonne Dorsey, better known as Bubbles to her friends, takes a few minutes to encourage us to soak in the truth of this statement: Jesus really is the reason for the season.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 22, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

One of the biggest stresses for a newly married couple is where they will spend the holidays. Barbie L'Italian shares how she is freeing her adult, married children to develop their own holiday traditions without giving up the core traditions of their family.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 18, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Legacy and passing on a heritage of faith are important themes in our family and church family. How can we instill traditions of mercy ministry into small children in a way that makes sharing what we have with others second nature?

In my book, Treasures of Encouragement: Women Helping Women in the Church I urge women to see the goal of biblical encouragement is not to fix another person's life but rather a means to help turn hearts toward the Lord. Such a view is freeing. We should not sell short any act of encouragement as too small or insignificant. We have no idea how God will use our acts of obedience as channels of His compassion that bring hope and help to a hurting heart.

What is it about a child that can touch a lonely person's heart in a way that brings them closer to God's love and presence? My friend, Emily Holcroft shares some of her family traditions that are not just reserved for Christmas mercy ministry but all year long. Listen as she describes some of the practical ways her children are learning that big mercy often arrives in tiny packages prepared by little hands.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 16, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Conflict,Christmas,Simply Christmas

Do you cry over the Hallmark Card commercials the way I do. The one that really gets to me is when the family is gathered around the piano and an little girl starts singing O Holy Night. A few words into the hymn and a soldier slips into the room, obviously the brother or son, surprising his family with a Christmas return. He joins his sister in singing the hymn. Oh my, I can't stand it!

But I wonder how many people watch these beautiful vignettes designed to evoke emotions that will drive us to find just the right card or purchase a gift that subconsciously guarantees a strong family feeling? Unfortunately, many people dread holiday family gatherings, knowing that conflict will reign as relatives unload hostility and hatred instead of love and peace to all.

Years ago I heard a speaker encourage us to accept that the father who always shows us drunk or the mother who slices and dices with her words will not submit to a twenty-four hour "cease fire" so that we can have a Hallmark Card Christmas. We have to accept that angry, broken people will probably be even angrier during the holidays. We should view them as "irregular people" and expect them to behave as they always do.

What is an irregular person? When I was a teenager my mother shopped at the Wilmington Dry Goods, a store that sold clothing with "irregular" stamped on the labels. She carefully inspected each purchase for ripped seams, holes, even measured sleeves to make sure they were the same length. She knew the clothing was not perfect, she expected to find flaws. She had seven children to clothe and the prices fit her budget. Imagine her delight when she found clothing that had minor flaws that weren't noticeable or hidden. So an irregular person is damaged. I think that definition includes every one of us. Each of us is an irregular person. Some of us are better at hiding our flaws than others. For those who display their irregularities with neon signs that annoy and hurt others, we must remember that but for the grace of God, there we are as well. We will experience more peace and joy in family gatherings if we won't expect them to change in order to give us a great Christmas

In her Considerable Grace blog, Tara Klena Barthel transparently shares her own struggle to overcome childhood conflict and genuinely love family members that once caused pain in her life. Tara is known for her passion for Peacemaking and is a well-known author and speaker. If you need help in knowing how to practically prepare for dealing with difficult people during your holiday celebrations check out her post, Family Conflicts and the Holidays http://networkedblogs.com/p18945743

For more encouragement from Tara, download (for free) her message to A Woman of Peace Amidst Holiday Strife, http://tarabarthel.com/resources.html#cds

May you prepare your hearts for family gatherings by reflecting deeply on the grace God has extended to you.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : December 14, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Today a young woman shares how her parents are teaching their children the beauty of celebrating Christmas throughout the month of December. It's not too late for you to start this family tradition, too.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 13, 2009 12:02 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Domestic Violence,Simply Christmas

Statistics show that domestic violence rises during the Christmas season. The additional stress of financial pressures, difficult family relationships, alcohol and uncontrolled tempers create a pressure cooker for an already fragile family environment. Unfortunately, church families are not exempt from this betrayal of human relationships. More than one woman has shared her terrible story of hidden beatings, verbal abuse and emotional trauma perpetrated by her husband who is a church leader. You may be that woman or you may be the friend or sibling of such a woman.

Breaking out of such a relationship is difficult at best, almost impossible for some women at worst. Fear of the unknown, shame, humiliation and terror over future beatings imprisons broken women. This article, When Domestic Violence Knocks posted by Christianity Today is written by Lou Reed. He has 25 years of pastoral experience, most recently at West Side Baptist Church in Hollywood, Florida. He is also a former supervisor for the City of Miami Beach Police Department's domestic violence unit and an adjunct professor at Trinity International University in Davie, Florida.

The article was addressed to pastors but gave me a lot to consider in my own response to abused women. I recommend it as a resource to help women's ministry teams discuss how they can partner with their pastor in helping abused women find freedom and safety in Christ. It's also a good resource for pastors and elders.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on his counsel.

Read When Domestic Violence Knocks.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 12, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Simply Christmas,Gossip

A friend and I caught up while her children stood nearby. She mentioned how much she loved the leadership of an organization we both supported. I hesitated and then said, "You haven't heard?" My friend's children perked up when their mother responded, "Oh please, nothing bad has happened, has it?" Something (perhaps Someone) said to my spirit, "Sharon, don't do it!" But I ignored that warning and using code words informed my friend of damaging information, rationalizing that what I said was public so I wasn't gossiping. I finished my report with the words, "Please just really pray for everyone."

As the God-side of me stood silently, the flesh side argued, "I haven't done anything wrong. It was public, she would have found out eventually."

By the time I arrived at home, I had asked God to forgive me for not only sharing negative information about another person but my horrible example to these covenant children and their young mother. I hoped that my coded message did not filter into their minds and hearts. I emailed an apology to my friend and asked her to forgive me. It may have been ok for someone else to tell her the public details, but I knew God wanted me to be quiet. One of my "bucket list" goals for 2009 has been to think the best and refuse to believe the worst without absolute evidence of wrong-doing. I want this kind of thinking to be second nature rather than a struggle. God used this conversation to take me to a deeper level in making myself a safe place for the struggles and secrets of friends and family. I'm hoping my friend will recognize my heart for protecting her as well.

I remembered this lesson when I read a blog by Karen Casey Arneson called Cannibals in Christendom. You might wonder what this topic has to do with simplifying Christmas. Stress from holiday preparation can weaken our resolve to reflect Christ in our conversations and interaction with friends, co-workers and family members. Let Karen's comments sink into your soul and ask God to use them to equip you for opportunities to protect the integrity of your relationships. Applying these truths will help keep the channels of your heart cleansed so that you are more aware of the way the birth of Jesus redeems our sinful hearts and gives us a taste for sweet, pure conversations instead of the rotten stench of gossip.

Cannibals in Christendom by Karen Casey Arneson
November 13, 2009
I come from a long line of cannibals. My ancestors loved to chew up (and sometimes spit out) people. Mine was a particularly heinous group that made no distinction between "them" and "us." Members of our own family were just as likely to fall victim as were others. Imagine the tensions that arose when we gathered--each one wondering who might be served up next. In their defense, my family lived in darkness. Then, the frigid winter I turned 10, one brilliant, fiery flame warmed within me the hope of a different way of living--of turning away from snarling, biting, and chewing to embracing others. I became like Edward Cullen of Twilight fame, recognizing my evil heritage, engaged in a struggle with the nature of my flesh.

Unfortunately, the flame was quenched that had begun to glow within me. With no one to add the kindling of truth to the sputtering spark within, the ember grew cold. Broken bonds, wicked words, and shattered souls littered the path of my life, until one day it all became more than I could bear alone. Tired and out of fight, I found myself knocking on the door of Christendom. Surely I would find refuge there! http://blog.kyria.com/giftedforleadership/2009/11/cannibals_in_christendom.html

In His grip,

Sharon

Don't forget to order Chuck's new book, Harlots and Heroines, The Midwives of the Messiah. Special discount codes - HHGIFTSET, 20% off the gift set and HHBOOK - 30% off the book.

Posted At : December 11, 2009 12:43 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage,Simply Christmas

When Chuck and I were first married I subscribed to a magazine called, Marriage Partnership. I loved being married and wanted to know every practical way I could demonstrate how much I loved my husband. Now you can pick up some of those practical ideas by visiting the website of http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/

And in keeping with our Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement theme, take a few minutes to read this article on their site: Downscaling Christmas.

I'd love to hear your ideas for simplifying Christmas. How do you do it?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 10, 2009 1:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

When I was a young mother I loved hearing practical ideas for organizing my overwhelming, over-scheduled, over-stimulated life, especially tips for thriving in the message of Christmas rather than just surviving the holidays.

In keeping with our local church's Christmas TEA theme for 2009, Simply Christmas, my friend, Erin Worden, shares how she intentionally plans so that her family more than survives the holidays. Even if you're not a young mom, let this young woman's suggestions encourage you to take a step back and simplify Christmas in your home.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 8, 2009 1:45 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Between now and the end of December, these blog posts will encourage you to focus on "simply Christmas." Most of the posts will take just a few minutes to read or view but hopefully the message of God's amazing grace will help equip, energize and encourage you to reflect the presence of Jesus as you interact with others during this holiday season.

You can receive these FREE treasures of encouragement by using the Subscribe option located on the top left hand corner of the blog.

Along with practical tips on organizing your inner life and daily responsibilities, my main focus will be on keeping our hearts fixed on Jesus. My first exhortation to myself is: Keep it Simple, Sister! I don't want to just survive the holidays. I want to thrive and soak in the priceless gift that keeps on giving. Please add your comments on how you keep Christmas simple or your commitment to Simply Christmas. When I was a young teenager, my very talented, artistic mother coached me in a Christmas talent contest. Because I trusted her artistic savvy, I willingly learned the song, All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth. That night, right before I was to perform, she handed me already been chewed licorice gum and told me to put it on my two front teeth Then she instructed me to sing with my top lip covering my top teeth until the very end. She told me to hold out the last note of the song, and then to slowly break into a wide smile, so that the audience could see the blacked out two front teeth. My performance was a hit!

But the song begs the question, what do you want for Christmas? If you could have one thing, what would it be? When I was a little girl, all I wanted was what I called a big doll. It was a soft bodied doll that was as big as a baby. Every night I lay in my bed, searched for the first evening star and whisper, "Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight, Wish I may, Wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight." Then I added, please bring me a big doll for Christmas. My big gift that year was my longed for doll. I couldn't wait to take my doll to school and introduce it to my second-grade friends. My teacher recommended that I leave it inside at recess time but I couldn't part with it one minute. I learned a hard lesson about listening to teachers that day. One of our favorite playground games was when the girls held hands to form a circle and the person in the middle tried to fun through the clasped hands. My girlfriend and I held the hands of my doll. I guess I believed that no one would be mean enough to try to run through my doll's hands. I didn't bank on a boy in the middle. As soon as I recognized his plan, I held tighter to my doll's hand. Silly me, why didn't I let it go? Within seconds, my precious gift broke as my classmate rammed through the circle's weakest link and my doll's arm tore away from its body.

Now the question is bigger than "What do you want for Christmas." The real question becomes, "What one gift do you want for Christmas that cannot be broken?" Let's go back in time and visit with a young woman who received the very first Christmas gift, a baby boy. Thirty- three years later, soldiers would break this priceless gift right in front of the young woman's eyes. Her precious son, broken beyond repair, or so it appeared. And yet, God would give her back the perfect gift...a gift that keeps on giving to us today.

When we meet Mary, the teenage mother of Jesus, we understand that life was good for this young woman. She planned to marry a man who loved her and shared her faith in Jehovah. In an instant, God turned her plans upside down. An angel told her that though she was a virgin, she was pregnant and would give birth to the very son of God. We know that Mary was frightened because God's messenger exhorted her, "Do not be afraid."

Mary's response to these events stuns and convicts me every time I read it, "I am the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:36)

Mary's Song, or The Magnificat as many call it, gives us insight into how Mary was able to respond to God's plans for her life with such sweet submission. Mary's world view is clear. In the first line she proclaims the driving force behind her actions and her own need for a Savior. Then she describes an utmost confidence in the character and promises of the Father of her son.

The Magnificat

"My soul (pseuche - emotional center/ will, intellect - all of me) glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.
(He knows my sinful heart...) From now on all generations will call me blessed,
For the Mighty One has done great things for me - holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, even as he
said to our fathers. (My God is a promise-keeping God.) Luke 1:46-56

From Mary I learn that my circumstances make up my platform for glorifying God. Mary's response to God's pathway for her, teaches me that God is sovereign and I can trust Him. So I ask again, What is the one gift you want for Christmas that cannot be broken?

In the meantime, I urge you to open up God's Christmas Catalog, His Word, where He showcases His gift of grace on every page. Meditate on Mary's story and open your heart and hands to receive the assurance that the picture of her life demonstrates, God is sovereign and we can trust Him.

What priceless gift does Mary represent to you?

In His Grip,
Sharon

For more on Mary, check out Chuck's new book, Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah. He gets inside the skin of five women on the pathway to our Messiah and some of his insights may surprise you. Order before December 31 and receive a 30% discount with Code HHBOOK. Use Discount Code HHGIFT for a 20% discount on the book and our son, Chuck's piano CD, My Heart's Cry.

Posted At : December 4, 2009 1:29 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

The theme of our annual Christmas TEA, one of our most beloved traditions at Glasgow Church, was Simply Christmas. Our team transformed our Family Life Center into a candle-lit, warm inviting room, wreathed with hundreds of gorgeous poinsettias. Over 400 women attended, many of the guests were little girls and teens. We laughed at old movie clips that captured the stresses of Christmas and some of us cried a few tears as God's Word touched the soft spots of our hearts. I'm so glad for the reminder to simplify Christmas so that I will soak up the most perfect Christmas gift of all, my Savior, Jesus.

This morning I began reading Chuck's new book, Harlots of Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah, as one means to start each day in December with the meat of God's Word, I was struck with this quote:

A wounded widow...a professional prostitute...an indomitable immigrant, a bathing beauty...a terrified teenager. What do these five women have in common? They were all an integral part of the plan God made in eternity past to come to this earth as a man.....These women were God's conduits of love and the chosen instruments of the Incarnation who brought "Joy to the World." Their chorus of pain, loss and eventual redemption gave voice of the Angelic Host who brought the very first Christmas Carol to the hills outside of Bethlehem. God condescended in Grace to use these five mangled masses of frightened and scarred humanity to become the Midwives of the Messiah!

Perhaps one of the most important truths for me as I walk the pathway God has marked out for my family, is that God cannot lie. He does not forget His children. He keeps His promises. I think the reason I'm so taken with these five women is because not one of them, except perhaps Mary, realized how critical they were in God's eternal plan to produce the Messiah from their bodies. I remember how comforted I was when I first saw the scarlet cord of God's redemption plan that tied these women together. God was always at work behind the scenes, never thwarted by the sins of men or the betrayal or seeming lostness of these women. Their stories give me such comfort but they always deepen my appreciation for God's faithful love demonstrated by the baby boy in the manger.

Simply Christmas. Is that your goal? Over the next few weeks I'll be sharing more thoughts on how God is opening my heart to the simplicity of His redemption plan. You can receive these FREE treasures of encouragement by subscribing to my blog in the left menu.

Simply Christmas. I hope you'll share some of your thoughts on simplifying Christmas in the comments section as well.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 29, 2009 7:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Encouragement,Simply Christmas

Thanksgiving in America is over. Christmas is a few weeks away. Let the games begin! Does your to do list include simplifying your days so that you can focus on the "real meaning of Christmas?"

If so, subscribe to this blog right now and you'll receive in your email box FREE frequent, brief treasures of encouragement that will help you simplify Christmas so that you don't miss the spiritual richness of this moment in time that forever changed our world. The FREE subscription option is located at the top left hand corner of this blog. Be sure to confirm your subscription once the confirmation email reaches your Inbox.

Last year I posted Twelve Days of Christmas Grief Relief with hopes that my thoughts might encourage grieving families as they tried to find a new normal without their loved ones during the holidays. If you or a friend is struggling with how to find meaning in this "most wonderful time of the year" when your heart is breaking, I urge you to check out those posts.

This year, I'm focusing on Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement. Each post will be a brief devotional that encourages readers to think through how they will reflect Christ as they prepare for Christmas. Along with some of my personal musings, I'll share some links to online resources that have helped me grow as well as some video clips from our annual Christmas TEA where women share how they are striving to simplify Christmas.

The posts will officially start on December 8. Help me spread the word about these posts by forwarding this blog post to friends and family with an invitation to subscribe. Remember, it's FREE encouragement!

Don't forget to place your order for Chuck's new book, Harlots and Heroines, The Midwives of the Messiah. And here's a secret. Use HHGIFTSET for a 20% discount on the gift set that includes an autographed copy of the book and our son, Chuck's solo piano CD, My Heart's Cry. Or, use HHBOOK for a 30% discount on just the book. The discount applies to as many books or gift sets that you want. The code is case sensitive and the discount ends December 31.

If your heart resonates with the goal of keeping Christmas simple, I hope you'll share your ideas in the comment section of the blog posts. Let's help each other to think, Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 25, 2009 1:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Christmas,Encouragement

"I hate Christmas. I wish I could skip over to the end of January and be done with it. I don't put up decorations and I refuse to listen to the music. It's just too hard to face without my child." My friend's words took me back to Christmas, 1993. Our first Christmas without our son, Mark. Oh, the anguish.

Before that awful year, I loved Christmas. I looked forward to after Christmas sales and started thinking about the best gift for each child months before the event. I baked more cookies than anyone could eat and we always had a big Christmas Eve Open House before the Communion service. The more people, the better. And those were the days I wouldn't let anyone bring anything - this was my thank you to all of our friends and family. We always invited hurting people, too. Of course, I drove my children and husband a little nutty but that's a confession for another time.

On July 6, 1993, that horrible night on our way home from the hospital, Chuck grabbed my hand and whispered, "Christmas, what will do about Christmas?" The reality of life without Mark was already slamming into our hearts. We knew that this most precious season of the year would never hold the same anticipation or joy of previous family gatherings. There would always be an empty seat. How, how, how would we face that empty place?

A few days ago, I played Christmas music while I cleaned. One of my tricks to easing into the holidays. As I dusted I heard the haunting rendition of The Little Drummer Boy. Mark was a drummer and this song is now his song. That first Christmas without him I imagined his first Christmas in heaven, playing his drums for Jesus. I look for a different drummer boy Christmas decoration every year. Hmm, I thought as the music played, I can hear this song without tears. I must be getting a little better. I thought once more of Mark in heaven, and wondered what he is doing right now. I imagined all of heaven preparing for Christmas! What must it be like to worship perfectly? To have no selfish motives in offering our gifts and talents to our King. I imagined our son welcoming friends we've "lost" this past year and connecting with the children of bereaved parents who have reached out to us in their fresh sorrow. What must it be like? Are they laughing with joy that their parents are choosing to trust God in their sorrow? Are they part of that great cloud of witnesses, cheering us on, urging us to faith, to reflect the joy of knowing Christ, even in the darkness?

Yes, my friend's sad, angry words were my words for many years. And I admit, there are moments that I still dread Christmas. I've never recaptured that fun anticipation. Some days I want to run away to a warm place and pretend Christmas is over. But then I remember those early years and how Christmas forced me to meditate on that first Holy Night. How my heart resonated with the heart of Mary's, the mother of Jesus. And how a light of understanding slowly glowed brighter and brighter as I began to reflect on God's gift of His Son for sinners like me. Of all the ways God could choose to demonstrate His love for us, He chose the parent/child relationship. What tighter, more intimate connection is there between a parent and child (when that parent loves as God designed)? What greater ripping is there for a human being than to have their child forcefully taken from their arms? Studies have shown that the worst crisis human beings can experience is the sudden loss of their children. It is no mistake that God keys in on this truth when He sacrifices His Son for His adopted children.

When I question God's love for me and how He could put me on this pathway, Christmas reminds me that the One Who gave me Jesus sent this dark place my way. I do not understand why, but I do understand He gave what I would never willingly give. He gave His Son to people who didn't want Him. What greater love is there?

And so, I miss Mark. And after my moments of rejoicing that I could hear The Little Drummer Boy without crying, the tears starting flowing. Oh, how I miss my child. Many of my sweet friends are experiencing deep, deep grief this season. And so this is for you, my dear friends. You are so fresh in your sorrow - even those of you who are seven years into the journey. I know this because I've been in that place.

Your heart will always long for your child. A piece of you will never be satisfied without him or her. But hear me on this. That's a good thing. Let that broken place drive you to the manger and carry you to the Cross. Get inside the Father's heart as you look at that little boy, our brother, Jesus, sent to die for the sins of His brothers and sisters.

Do not apologize for your tears but also give yourself permission to experience moments of joy. Look for the treasures that He will send your way, open your hands to receive the gifts He has designed to help turn your heart toward Him, to remind you that He is the Lord your God, the One Who calls you by name.

I am a credible witness of His faithfulness. God is sovereign and you can trust Him. I'm praying for you to experience Christmas Presence this year. His presence.

Don't forget to subscribe to the RSS feed by clicking on the link in the left menu. This will sign you up for receiving blog posts via email as soon as they are posted.

In His Grip,
Sharon

For more on Sharon's Christmas thoughts, order Treasures in Darkness: A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart.

Posted At : November 20, 2009 12:28 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

A wounded widow, a professional prostitute, an indomitable immigrant, a bathing beauty, a terrified teenager: Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah. When Chuck told me about his idea for this sermon series and book, I questioned how it would be different from the many other resources about women of the Bible. As a women's ministry leader and Bible study teacher, I had studied and taught the lives of Bible women on numerous occasions. Even the evil ones became spiritual mothers in my own life journey and I eagerly gleaned every life lesson their behaviors revealed. I even developed my own message about the women in the genealogy of Jesus. I thought I knew the five girls pretty well. What more could they teach me?

As Chuck unpacked the scriptural context of each woman, God reminded me that His Word is living and that I will never get to the bottom of His truth. Once more these women called back to me from their perch in heaven and gave me deep theological treasures that encouraged me to remember that God is sovereign and I can trust Him. And oh, how I need that reminder.

On July 6, 1993, our sixteen-year-old son, Mark and his friend, Kelly, died in a car accident. In death's aftermath, I struggled long and hard to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. Fourteen years after Mark's death the messages Chuck preached on the midwives of our Messiah reminded me that God will keep every promise, that He IS keeping His promises, even when it seems He isn't.

Each woman in this genealogy faced insurmountable odds that would have disqualified her from most jobs in any church. Yet in this story of redemption we see God transform the scars of emotional abuse, prostitution, murder, death, lying, widowhood, begging and an out of wedlock pregnancy into glory. Unbeknownst to them, these women are on the pathway to the birth of our Messiah. Where we might see darkness God reveals His faithful love when He used the lives of these women to ensure that our Messiah would come at just the right moment and be born into the exact family prepared for Him by His Father. Their seeming disqualifications to be in the genealogy of Jesus actually become sources of great hope to broken people like me. Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah is a book about our spiritual mothers. They are waiting for us in heaven and as they wait, they call back, "Dear Daughters, study our lives and you will see that God is sovereign and you can trust Him, too." Thank you, Tamar, Rahab, Bathsheba, Ruth and Mary from one of your daughters.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Special Offer: Order your copy of Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah in time for Christmas giving.

Posted At : November 14, 2009 12:47 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Man Up! That's the title of Chuck's current sermon series. The men in our congregation are listening carefully as the words of the Apostle Paul to young Timothy take on current day application (2 Timothy). Though the subject is men, women are also listening and the scriptural truths for men are just as important for us. Yet, it's tempting for women in the congregation to poke their husbands in the ribs when a specific truth seems to be just for her man.

At the end of Sunday's message, Chuck switched gears and spoke to women. In the sermon he had described a special relationship with an elderly woman in our second church. Chuck and I were both about twenty-five years old when he was appointed as pastor of Logan United Methodist Church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Yes, we were babies trying to do a grown up job! And this was our second church assignment. He took on the job of pastor in our first dying city church when he was twenty-one years old. He had been a Christian for one year. Chuck often calls those early years in ministry our school master. Yes, we were babies!

After our first Sunday in our second dying city church, Chuck came home and cried. This was not what he signed up for. Where to begin? We had about thirty people, all over 70 (or so it seemed) in a huge stone church building. We had been told that the music ministry was strong. We learned that day that the music ministry consisted of a great organist playing a majestic pipe organ, a choir director and three very elderly people in the choir. No children and no outreach. One of the leaders told Chuck that our new church was three dying churches that had merged and the hearse was backed up to the door. Until Chuck arrived - no pressure, though.

We would have done almost anything to have at least two other well-grounded young people to help build God's kingdom in this dying city. Early on God gave Chuck Mrs. D. Margaret Kelley. She was an elderly, almost blind woman who saw her calling as a prayer warrior for Chuck. He has many stories about Mrs. Kelley (you can hear one of them in his message, Do You Have a Gangrene Mouth? But his most coveted memory is that she encouraged him as a young, inexperienced pastor and she prayed for him.

At the end of Sunday's message Chuck asked us, the women: "Are you praying for your men? I don't mean superficial stuff, I mean real, heart, gut-wrenching praying? Are you taking your men to God through prayer and pleading with Him to strengthen and guide the men in your life? Are you praying for the leadership of your church? Are you a Mrs. Kelley or are you the woman who finds fault and has a critical spirit and has nothing but negative words? Encourage your men with prayer."

Over the past few years we have lost some of our most precious prayer warriors, men and women who took on the burden of praying for Chuck and our sons as they worked in full-time ministry. When they died, I felt a hole in our spiritual covering and asked God to burden others with the need to pray for their spiritual leaders. I am confident God has people praying for us daily or we would not be able to function in His work.

Over the years I have not always known how to pray. My desires may not have been God's and so instead of praying my words, I have prayed scripture, specific scriptures for the members of my family, for our church leadership, and for friends. I personalize the scripture:

And this is my prayer for Chuck: that his love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that he may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ filled with the fruit of righteousness, that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11.

I pray Psalm 112 for our sons and grandsons and Proverbs 31:10 - 31 for our daughters and granddaughters. I prayed Psalm 121 for our granddaughter, Siddhi, as we waited for God to bring her to us from India. I included my niece, Elizabeth, as she served God abroad in a third-world country. I continue to pray Psalm 121 for our grandson, Cori, who is in the Navy. Psalm 122 is my prayer for our local church and leadership.

When I pray scripture for those I love, my own agenda melts away and God opens my hands to receive His will. I think that this is one means He shapes our desires into His desires.

Are you praying for your men? Even if you're not married, there are men in your life who need you to pray - fathers, brothers, church leaders, pastors. Women, are you praying?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 9, 2009 1:21 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Forgiveness,Encouragement

The bad report about a friend stunned me. Without hesitation, I believed it. Anger, sadness, disappointment. All of those emotions followed me around the house as I prepared for a busy day of running errands and catching up on undone tasks. I threw my purse and library books into the car, made sure I had my to do list and started to back out of the driveway.

That morning I had studied Psalm 32 and 33 and was struck by a picture of God's love resting on me and surrounding me. I had committed to viewing the circumstances of that day through the grid of God's surrounding love. I was eager to see how practical the presence of God's love would be in every day details. Frankly, I was looking forward to a warm, fuzzy intimacy with Him, maybe a parking space in the crowded mall, a great price for a purchase...you know, fun things. God had another agenda.

Before I turned onto our street, something other worldly happened. I heard a voice or a thought, not sure exactly, "Sharon, my love rests on you. My love surrounds you. How will that truth change the way you respond to this bad report?"

Yes, God had another agenda. My first opportunity to choose God's way, not mine. Was my friend guilty as charged? What was the evidence? Another person's words? What was the "reporter's" agenda? Before you rebuke me for listening to gossip, the "reporter" wasn't gossiping. Trust me on that. Another scripture came to mind:

The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him. Proverbs 18:17

For forty years I've been a pastor's wife and I'm confident that many bad reports have been shared about my husband's ministry. And I'm sure that many are the words spoken about my own fallacies and mis-steps. I've always hoped that when those reports are given that the hearer would step back and think, "I won't believe this until I see the evidence." At the least I hoped for an opportunity to give our side of the story or explain our behavior or even ask forgiveness for hurting another and righting the wrong. I hoped for mercy and compassion.

Yet in those first moments after hearing the bad report about my friend, I did none of those things. I jumped to judgment.

God's love surrounded me in those moments because He used the bad report as spiritual sandpaper to reveal my own dark heart. How many times have I believed a bad report about another person, with no thought for how hurt she or he would be if they knew I did not believe the best (1 Corinthians 13)? How many times has an unsubstantiated bad report unfairly influenced my relationship with another person? How many opportunities to share hope and help in Jesus have I missed because I pre-judged another woman? How often do I treat such reports with a casualness that diminishes the value of the other person's life?

I should know better. James tells me (and I've taught it so many times) that the tongue is a fire that fills the body with great evil. He gives me hope in that he declares none of us can tame it, that we will stumble. But he also warns me to beware of this great potential for evil and that only by God's grace can we find any victory over our tongues. I felt such guilt over my initial reaction. What to do? Repent and choose to believe the best. Fortunately I had not repeated this bad report to anyone else.

You may wonder if the initial bad report was true. For this discussion, it doesn't matter. What matters is that in that moment God's love gave me a choice: automatically believe the worst or choose to withhold judgment until all the evidence is in.

That's how I hope others will treat me. And I know that's how my friends hope I will protect them. God's love surrounds me whether I treat others with compassion or not. And sometimes that love is the voice of discipline as my Father takes my face in His hands and rebukes me for choosing evil over His righteousness. May God (and my friends) have mercy on me as I continue to learn what it means to be His daughter.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 9, 2009 12:01 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

I laid in bed this morning thinking through the next week and tried to determine how to fulfill all the tasks on my to do list. To accomplish my goals, I had to stay focused on my responsibilities. God smiled at my thoughts for He had other plans.

My wonderful husband Chuck asked me where all of our old pictures are. He had read something online about the need to preserve them. Because of our life journey, our old pictures are priceless. We lose them, we lose many evidences of our son, Mark. Browse the walls of our home and you will see many family pictures that record our lives. At some point, you might notice that after July, 1993, one person is absent, and that Mark is frozen in time as a sixteen-year-old boy. Every picture of him is a treasure. Sometimes I wish I could put out a notice to all of his high school friends that if they find pictures of Mark in their elementary and high school memorabilia that instead of throwing them out, would they please send them to us.

But I digress from my original thoughts. Chuck didn't know that a few years ago, when our daughter was into scrapbooking, I organized all of our old pictures by child and topic. Since my desk is always a picture of chaos, I was proud to inform him that I had all the old pictures safely stowed in boxes in my office closet. I pulled out the crates and called down, "Chuck, if you want to be overwhelmed, here they are."

I couldn't resist. Old albums that pre-dated our marriage drew me in. Along with old pictures that reminded us of our dating years and engagement, were ticket stubs from every University of Delaware football game we attended. Dried flowers and our wedding invitation took us back forty years to a season of innocence and anticipation of how we were going to change the world for Jesus.

The clock was ticking and nothing on my to do list could be erased. But still I pulled out pictures. Chuck went downstairs to look for more albums as I rummaged through boxes of Mark's belongings, carefully packed away over fifteen years ago. I found a metal box, labeled "My Stuff." In it was a silver bangle bracelet. Another time I will share the significance of this treasure of encouragement. I caressed the pirate bandana Mark wore with his raggedy jeans and leather boots and tried to recapture his scent, long gone. A treasure trove of pictures of Mark's growing up years broke the walls of emotion that I usually successfully hold in check. I whispered, "This isn't right. None of this is right. I want my son now. What would he be like as a grown up, a husband, a dad? What about his kids, our grandchildren? Oh, Jesus, help me trust you and thank you for the life we had with Mark rather than stay in my buried grief."

Instead of gratitude for the sixteen years, all I could see was loss. God answered by reminding me of the little hymn written by J.B. F. Wright in 1877. It's the same song He placed in my heart during our Cousins Camp last week as I observed our grandkids making memories that will last a lifetime. And today this little song is God's treasure of encouragement, written and designed by Him over 100 years ago as a treasure just for me. Instead of staying in my sorrow today, may I open my hands and heart to this gift sent to turn my heart toward my Father. May I rest in God's sovereign plan for our lives as well as Mark's. And may any grieving sister reading this take hope and courage from her precious memories as well.

Precious Mem'ries by J. B. F. Wright

Precious mem'ries, unseen angels Sent from somewhere to my soul How they linger, ever near me And the sacred past unfold.

Precious father, loving mother Fly across the lonely years And old home scenes of my childhood In fond memory appear.

In the stillness of the midnight Echoes from the past I hear Old-time singing, gladness bringing From that lovely land somewhere.

I remember mother praying Father, too, on bended knee Sun is sinking, shadows falling But their pray'rs still follow me.

As I travel on life's pathway Know not what the years may hold As I ponder, hope grows fonder Precious mem'ries flood my soul.

CHORUS:
Precious mem'ries, how they linger How they ever flood my soul In the stillness of the midnight Precious, sacred scenes unfold.

And now, I MUST tackle that to do list!
In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 9, 2009 12:43 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

God sent me a treasure of encouragement this morning, a gift designed to turn my heart toward Him and I am still stunned by its simplicity and potential for transforming this day from the mundane into the majestic.

The means by which He delivered this treasure reminded me of the priceless gift of covenant community experienced when God's women gather. Last night I enjoyed meeting with our small group that is studying Psalms. I soaked up the words and insights of my sisters as our leader guided us deeper into the truths of Psalm 32. We were daughters of the King enjoying a family gathering as we considered this "letter" from our Father. What difference would this study of confession and repentance make in our lives?

This morning I began working through our next assignment, Psalm 33. I picked apart the first few verses: Sing joyfully to the Lord, Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to Him, Sing to him a new song; play SKILLFULLY; SHOUT for joy.

The rest of the passage declared multiple reasons for me to joyfully proclaim with music, my words and my life, the goodness and unfailing love of God.

And there it was. That treasure of encouragement that helped turn my heart toward Him in a new way. "May your unfailing love REST upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. (Psalm 33:22)." I turned back to Psalm 32:10 and read, "Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love SURROUNDS the man who trusts in him." God's love RESTS on me; SURROUNDS me.

Have you ever watched the colors of a sunset spread out like a can of spilled paint? In that moment this morning, that's how God's love looked to me. In my mind I pictured a bucket of God's deep, pulsating passion for me, His daughter, resting on my head. And then with a smile, in a surprising move, He tipped it over and covered me, surrounded me with love that is unfailing, steadfast.

How do I take this moment into my day, I thought. I pictured the waiting tasks: a doctor's visit, errands, time with some of our grandkids, laundry, cleaning, preparing a meal for a friend. I started imagining how an intentional recognition of God's surrounding love could impact my response to the needs of the day, my interaction with cashiers and the doctor's staff, and our grandchildren or unexpected phone calls or emails. How could this treasure of encouragement from God Himself make me more like Jesus in my response to others?

My day looks different than it did a few hours ago because I'm more aware that God's love rests on me and surrounds me. I plan to look for evidence of that love wherever I go. I have a feeling I may be challenged with difficult circumstances, perhaps an irritating person, or a disappointment - only God knows (Psalm 33 reminds me of His sovereignty and that He considers everything I do). But this treasure of encouragement is equipping, enabling me and exhorting me to look for His love in those challenges. And then to display that love no matter what.

I have a feeling that God may be giving this same treasure to someone reading these words. If so, it's exactly what you need to help turn your heart toward Him. Are you His child? His love rests on you! His love surrounds you! May the adventure of seeing and experiencing that love begin right now!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 5, 2009 9:49 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

Two little girls opened wide the front door and warmly welcomed us to Journey, one of our church's means of making a big church small. Noise and chaos filled the house along with scents of comfort foods shared at the potluck supper. Children were everywhere!

The Journey leader gathered adults and children into the family room. Though we like to say there's always room for one more, well, there wasn't a chair or much floor space left. Our host explained that we would sing a few songs, take turns reading a Psalm and then the children would leave for their special worship time while the adults discussed the morning message. Some of the children immediately waved their hands, hoping to be chosen to read one verse of the Psalm. As we turned in our Bibles, the leader encouraged us to be ready to thank God for one blessing as we prayed sentence prayers after the Psalm reading. Emotion welled up inside of me as I listened to the children read, some experienced readers and some bravely trying out their new reading skills. And then the prayers - one right after the other from the mouths of these precious children: Thank you God for my Sunday School teachers; thank you for dying on the cross; thank you for being with us. . . Then two adults took over twenty-five children into another room to share Bible truths with them. As the adults discussed the morning message, there was little noise coming from the children's room. These parents are doing something right in teaching their kids how to respond to such teaching moments.

Journey gathering reminded me of the promise God made to Abraham so many years ago. Chuck often says that God took this elderly, childless man for a walk under the stars. He pointed out the vast universe and proclaimed that one day Abraham's family would outnumber the stars in the sky. As if that wasn't enough, God pointed to the sand on the beach and exclaimed that Abraham's family would outnumber the grains of sand. It's hard to get our hands around these numbers but every time the children of God gather, it's fulfillment of God's promise to Abraham. God continues to keep that promise and last night Chuck and I had the privilege of seeing the physical evidence in our own little world once more.

Oh, these precious, precious children. The memories they are building as they gather each week with their extended covenant family will sear into their hearts a sense of belonging and family that we hope will keep drawing them back to their spiritual legacy. They may not remember all the Bible stories or verses that their parents use in the children's worship time. But God is using all their senses to imprint the value of their spiritual family on their little hearts. I believe many of them will embrace such covenant family time as non-negotiable, as important in their lives as eating.

This week I carry the picture of little girls and boys experiencing grace as covenant families gather with hopes of being equipped, energized and encouraged for their own life journeys. What I experienced encourages me to keep on keeping on. I'm looking forward to Journey next week. How about you? Where is your Journey taking you?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : August 29, 2009 12:10 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

"There are some wounds only heaven can heal. In the meantime we keep walking in obedience, trusting God to keep His promises, either here or There, believing He has already equipped us for the pathway He has marked out for us, trusting He will give us what we need for each second, moment, hour Lord, show yourself in a mighty way to those who need a special treasure today".

I posted this as my Facebook Status a few days ago and several friends commented privately that they were the ones who needed that special evidence of God's presence in their own lives. They admitted their loss is not through physical death but rather loss of their childhood through horrible abuse, loss of a spouse through betrayal, loss of a friendship and loss of joy through dark, unexplainable depression. Each one longs for God to reveal Himself in a tangible way. And oh, how I long for that touch myself.

Grief comes in all different sizes. Grief grabbed our church family this past summer in a way that changed life perspectives and the way many view their own children and life purposes. Eleven-year-old Ashley Van Wingerden died in a boating accident. Her sweet, young, godly parents and three siblings, her grandparents and hundreds of extended family members struggle to grasp the "why" of death. Their friends agonize throughout the night and day, praying for God to be near, knowing that grief will shadow them for the rest of their lives. Godly parents hover over their children and hold them tighter, realizing that only by God's grace do their children sleep safely in their beds each night.

Every bereaved parent knows that Jake and Wendy's forced entry into the foreign Land of Grief has catapulted them out of their once perfect world into anguish and sorrow that cannot be defined or adequately uttered. Chuck and I recognize their empty yet desperate gaze, the confusion, the intense grief labor required to scratch your way into a new level of normal - a life without their child. In an effort to find a message of hope for these precious parents, God led me back to my first journal after Mark's death. Five weeks after his death my scribbled, barely discernable handwriting reveals my unstable emotional state:

"I have never been away from any of our children for this long. And even when separated by a few days, we talked. I feel as though I'm losing my grip. If I start wailing I will never stop, I want to throw things and tear clothes. Oh God, how could this happen. This pressure in my chest never leaves and my heart is bursting inside of me... The days drag. Where is Mark? Where is my son. I want my child. I scream inside and feel as though my body will burst. I want to start screaming and refuse to stop. Then maybe someone will understand, I can't do this. I can't be without my child. I can't. Please, please someone help me."

Even now, as I remember that moment, my heart races faster and my chest muscles tighten and I feel that primal wail deep inside. I want my child.

As much as I try to find the right words to offer hope and help, many times all I can do is whisper their names. Oh Jake. Oh Wendy.

Some who read this entry will wish they hadn't and avoid future posts on sorrow because it's so depressing. I understand. But for today I feel compelled to try to expose the dark, intimate early and what feels like never-ending anguish of grieving people.

Many who watch broken people will get tired of the sorrow. But God will call others to stand in the gap. Faithfully praying, pleading with their Father to reveal His presence, needing no acknowledgement or thanks from those who are broken. How thankful I am for those who continue to stand in the gap for us, who did not reject us when our grief destroyed our former selves. Who waited patiently for God to transform our ashes into beauty.

And yes, those of you who are desperate for a glimmer of hope, God will redeem every circumstance of our lives, if we cooperate with His purposes. Whether it is a failed marriage, poor parenting, the abuse of others, long term illness, shattered dreams, or loss through physical death, He calls us to do the hard work of grief with hope that one day we will offer His comfort and courage to a fellow traveler. In the early days and months of grief, I resented anyone suggesting that good could come from Mark's death. And yet back in the deep recesses of my soul, I clung to the hope that God would redeem this horrible grief and touch another life through our son's life.

Three weeks after Mark's death I wrote in my journal,

"Lord I want to relinquish all control of my life to You. I want to die, to bring forth life. I don't want one aspect of Mark's death to be wasted. I don't want him to be forgotten. Lord, whatever you want from me, help me to obey. I am the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be to me as You have said."

Longing to trust God warred with longing for Mark. Today, I see God's love won the battle. Along with too many others to count, I plead with God to give that same victory to every broken person reading this post. Do the hard labor of grief, trusting that one day God will keep all of His promises to you, either here or There. And remember, if you know Jesus, there is great freedom in surrendering to this truth: There are some wounds that only Heaven can heal.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Recommended Resources:

To Know Ashley

Treasures of Encouragement

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : August 1, 2009 4:10 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Dr. Betters & Pastor Dan share from their hearts as they lead their home church through one of life's most difficult times - the loss of an 11-year old Covenant child in a boating accident. When the Betters lost their son Mark at only 16 years old they could not have known then that God was preparing them to hold up others who would one day walk the same dark path. These sermons offer a glimpse of hope and the opportunity to see light in an otherwise dark situation.

Click here to access Dr. Betters' The Ugly Enemy sermon.

Click here to access Pastor Dan's The Furnace of Affliction sermon.

Don't forget to sign up for the RSS feed for Current Audio and Video Sermons by clicking here.

Posted At : July 27, 2009 9:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

An eleven-year-old little girl is gone. Her family and friends struggle to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. We are on holy ground as we enter into the darkness with them. Though it is excruciating to go back into the abyss of sorrow, we go willingly for too many reasons to count. We desperately needed someone like us when our son, Mark and his friend, Kelly, died in a car accident. Someone who had lived in the foreign Land of Grief who could show us the way, give us hope. Our desperation for hope hid the sacrifice these precious grieving parents made in order to answer God's call to comfort us with the same comfort He had given to them.

We go also because to be with a broken-hearted person who is a daughter or son of our King is to be on holy ground. God promises He is very near to the broken-hearted. Yes, He is always with each of His children, but in some way we can't explain, He is nearer to those who cry out for His touch when their hearts are breaking.

In the darkest night of our souls, my sister, Jane Anne, came along side of me in a way that kept the light of Christ burning. I hated for her to see the ugly, oozing sores of grief that covered my soul. But she would not let me hide. God inspired her to express in words how she viewed this calling. I included this piece in my book, Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church. If God is calling you to go into the dark abyss of grief with a friend, whether it is grief over death or any other loss, I hope Jane Anne's perspective opens your mind and heart to the realization that you are on holy ground where you will discover riches stored in secret places, designed to help turn your heart toward Him.

The Risk-Taking Heart
I donned the unbecoming yellow paper gown and cap and put on my rubber gloves and mask as I prepared to enter the patient's room. The effects of her disease were repulsive, and I avoided the room until her needs required my attention. Raw, open sores penetrated to the bone. Involuntary nervous responses resulted in embarrassing outbursts of unpredictable emotions. Pain permeated the room, giving a suffocating feeling to anyone who entered. The windows and glass door mocked the patient, allowing her to see a world she could not join. This patient was incapable of caring for herself in any way. Isolation always seemed ironic to me. In other cases, we put on sterile gloves to protect the patient from our germs, but isolation cases requires full garb to protect us from the patient's disease. It was always risky to treat these patients. Why take it? I experienced a strange phenomenon when I chose to take that risk. Somehow I felt more alive to be in touch with such intense pain. I felt real. Of course, I took precautions and could always take off my protective layer and go back into the routine life that my patient longed to experience once again.

This patient, though drenched with disease, had a strange pull on me. I was always glad, after I began to care for her, that I could be the one to help. Once I was there, I wondered why I avoided that room so much. Perhaps it was not knowing what state I would find her in that caused my apprehension.

The key to the treatment was convincing the patient that she would get better (though no one would blame her for not believing it). All the research showed that recovery required patient confidence that it would happen. This confidence would enable the patient to participate in her treatment, speeding the healing process. I needed to give her hope.

I went into the sick room once again and began the treatment. Very little healing had taken place and I could see that the disease was progressing. As I went about my care for the patient, trying to convince her with words that she would recover, the cumbersome isolation garb hampered me. The patient was suffering because of my inability to fully function, and she looked at me with frustration in her eyes. I was causing more pain!

For a moment I stopped, our eyes met, and I finally realized what she could not express. No, she would not ask me to put myself at risk, but she wouldn't believe my encouraging words either. I stared beyond her eyes as time stood still. Then, without a word, I removed the gloves, mask and cumbersome paper gown. For the first time a glimmer of hope appeared in her eyes. At that moment we both began to believe that her disease - grief - would be conquered. (Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church, pages 185 - 186, P & R Publishing, used with permission)

Jane Anne also wrote, "Throughout my tears and frustration God led me to places I had never been and showed me things I never would have seen. My spiritual life has depth I had never experienced. I know better who I am because I know better who God is. The reality of death has brought God closer than ever. I see Him in everything now. I have confidence that He will do what I cannot do, and I know that His ways are beyond me. How grateful I am that He chose me to be the vessel from which He poured out His love to Sharon. Little did I know on that life-changing night that the treasure found in darkness, which God was planning for my sister, would be mine, too." (Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church, page 179, P & R Publishing, used with permission)

Recommended Resources:

Treasures of Encouragement

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 25, 2009 2:53 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

A few months ago I wrote a few posts on aging and promised more. Then I discovered an article by Susan Fiske in By Faith Onlne. She captured everything that I wanted to say only better than I could have ever said it. Her research is discouraging; her conclusions are encouraging. If like me, you struggle to find your way through the aging maze of our culture, check out Susan Fiske's article Her words challenge and convict me. I hope they do the same for you.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 6, 2009 2:39 PM | Posted By : Dr. Chuck Betters
Related Categories: Grief

I tried, really tried to ignore the anniversary of our son Mark's death. Sometimes the anticipation of a holiday, birthday or anniversary of the loss is worse than the actual day. But this year fun family times filled the past two weeks as we welcomed Chuck's brother and children and grandchildren from Texas for a mini-family reunion. Then we celebrated July 4th with our children and grandchildren. Lots of laughter, noise and delicious food occupied the hours. When longing for Mark snuck up to remind me of that awful day sixteen years ago, I gave myself permission to privately cry for a few minutes but then chose to enjoy the many blessings God continues to send our way. Big hugs from little people and four-year-old Caleb's quiet words, "Grammy, I really do love you, you know!" kept grief at bay and I gladly opened my hands and heart to the genuine joy and contentment God sent my way.

Instead of licking my wounds on July 5 in preparation for this awful anniversary, I taught a women's Sunday School class. I worshipped with our covenant family. I took a long evening walk. I tried to see July 6 as just another day. I really tried. It's been sixteen years after all. So why did I wake this morning with a dark heart and fresh tears? Isn't it time to move on? To "get over IT?" Each tender message from friends via email and Facebook, quick hugs at church and whispered comfort touched the wound that never quite closes, the loving words acknowledging the never-ending grief that honors our son's life and legacy. Each word a treasure in the darkness reminding me of God's presence and comfort. But...

Sometimes the only way to "move on" is to give up trying...to stop smiling, to give yourself permission to grieve, to lean into the pain. So I let my mind race back sixteen years, another July 4th weekend filled with family and celebrations. A dry, hot summer weekend, soon forgotten if not for the terrible phone call...I hate this. I hate this...this awfulness...this upside down turn of events, a parent burying her child. No. This is not right. I stand on the edge of the abyss of grief and conclude that remembering that awful time is too hard, too much. I fear I will never recover if I go too far, if I take one more step into the deeper darkness.

And so instead I focus on Mark's ever-growing eternal legacy. God reminds me of treasures in the darkness, love notes from Him designed to help turn my heart toward His sovereign eternal purposes. I remember the many mothers who have contacted me since, the ones who long for help and hope as they try to process the deaths of their own children, those who are attempting to embrace a new level of normal. I think about the stories of horrific loss, terrible sorrow and grief that cannot be adequately described, only known and understood by another grieving mother. I remember how God has transformed our journey into one of hope and comfort for others. I am once more mystified by the supernatural work God has done in my heart, evidenced by each grieving mother who tells me that the cracks in my soul reveal Jesus. And I know their message is a reminder from God, giving me tangible proof that He is keeping His promise to bring beauty from ashes. Because I could never "work up" such strength.

Yet still, in the midst of remembering, of acknowledging God's faithfulness, today I am one of those mothers who longs for her child. Wishing for one more moment, one more day, one more lifetime. So I give myself permission to cry trusting that I do not cry alone, that my Heavenly Father is holding me tightly in His grip, and that He will give me faith and strength to thank Him for the treasures in the darkness that I have experienced. I remember that even in this moment, He is keeping the promise of His presence and that my weeping is a nighttime visitor that will someday leave as morning joy moves in.

But for this moment, with full confidence that God is sovereign and I can trust Him, I cry for my son.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Recommended resources:

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a loved one

Posted At : July 1, 2009 10:31 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Sin takes on different form in each of our lives but some sins wreak a horizontal havoc that is an ever widening circle of grief and destruction, especially behavior that betrays human trust and children's safety in their homes. Adultery is such a sin. This post is for women who are committing adultery or flirting with the possibilities. I have addressed this topic in previous posts but in light of the past two weeks of confessions from two self-proclaimed family oriented public figures, out of love for my covenant family, I am pleading once more with adulterous women to consider carefully the consequences of their betrayal of another woman.

And that is my question. Please, please help me understand how you can intentionally destroy another woman's life by committing adultery with her husband? I wish you could see my face and hear the sorrow in my question rather than condemnation and judgment. Elizabeth Edwards asked the same question about the other woman in her husband's life - how can one woman do this to anther woman? My heart sunk when Governor Sanford, a professing Christian, confessed his adulterous relationship with a woman in Argentina. What struck me was his priority to protect the specialness of his relationship to this woman, saying that they had a precious friendship for eight years that "sparked" into something more about a year ago. Like so many others caught in adultery, he stated that they never intended for this to happen. True confession on my part - instead of sympathy for Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery, my jaded thoughts were, "If the truth is ever told, he will confess that he knew eight years ago that he wanted this woman in a way that was outside of marriage. He will confess that all along his attraction to her was more than friendship and that instead of running away from temptation as God commands us to do, Mark Sanford rationalized that he could handle a close relationship with this woman."

And sure enough, what Mark Sanford and "Maria" thought were private, intimate love notes now are public evidence of a long term sensuous relationship. Emails meant for their eyes only are now part of Internet history. In the context of one romantic, intimate email Governor Sanford proclaims to his adulterous partner that he knew when he first met her that she was special.

The more the press gleefully exposes , the more clearly we see scriptural truth played out in front of our eyes. We can't believe how irrationally Governor Sanford behaved, in particular taking off for Argentina to meet with his partner in adultery without regard for the affairs of State to which he had been elected. And yet scripture clearly outlines the way that adulterers step by step lose common sense and rational thinking. The slope of adultery is slippery indeed.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." (Proverbs 5:1 - 14)

Please know that I do not want to be one more person who is shaking her head and tsk, tsking in condemnation. God doesn't waste any of our mistakes or sinful choices. Exposed sin in public figures must drive us to acknowledge, "There but for the grace of God go I.." We pray that the Sanfords can find their way back to each other and that their family legacy will be one of redemption and forgiveness. Mark Sanford's fall ought to be a teaching moment for us. The enemy is patient, like a lion, stalking his prey, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. Eight years of long distance "friendship" was a smoldering fire waiting to explode. Teaching Moment: Is there a "friendship" in your life that you need to re-examine in light of this sad tale?

Others have already begun to diagnose the reasons Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery committed such a heinous betrayal of Jenny Sanford. I've heard "experts" whitewash and excuse this sinful behavior by saying that some men are wired for such risk-taking, that their testosterone drives their foolish decisions, but that they really still love their wives. These "experts" need to have a sit down with God on this one. "You shall not commit adultery... Teaching Moment: In case you are trying to rationalize what adultery means, let me make it more clear - no emotional adultery, either. You shall not steal [another woman's husband]... You shall not covet your neighbor's wife [or husband]...

Girls, you will meet, if you haven't already, men who belong to other women who you wish you could have as your own. Teaching Moment: As soon as you have that thought, run away from the relationship. As soon as you think, "He's such a good guy and his wife mistreats him....I can make up for his wife's short fallings by being his friend....." run faster from that relationship. Adulterers and adulteresses are steeped in deception and cannot be believed. Initially, they lie to themselves. Some women color their emotional adultery by pretending to care about the man's wife and children. Teaching Moment: Hear me on this. The truth is if you are flirting with a married man, you do NOT care about his wife and children, nor do you care for him. Mark Sanford himself admitted that if he really cared for this other woman, he wouldn't have involved her in circumstances that had no future except humiliation and devastation. Before you prepare your emotional defense of such behavior, remember that I'm only the messenger. God has already made it clear that adultery destroys people and cuts the nerve of a marriage.

Ultimate Teaching Moment: If you are involved in adultery, repent of your sin and get help now. Remember, repentance is a two-fold process - we must put off the adultery and put on our husbands. God can redeem the pain but you must start with repentance. The longer you allow it to continue the more you risk ever understanding God's love and forgiveness. Over the years I have pleaded with adulterous women to repent. I have begged them to see Jesus' love and for His glory to walk in holiness. Sadly, few listen. Repentance drives us to the Cross where we will find the greatest love that paid dearly to redeem us from the pit.

If you have experienced that kind of forgiveness, there is a woman who needs to hear your story. You can email me anonymously through this blog or with your contact information through Sharon.betters@markinc.org.

And if you are a victim of adultery, perhaps your story will help open the eyes of the "other woman" that God is calling to repentance.

For more on how to resist the temptation of adultery, check out Chuck's messages, The Myth of the Greener Grass.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : June 22, 2009 10:55 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

Ok, Girls, I need your help. If you could ask another woman, in particular a woman further along in life's journey, one life question what would it be? I will share those questions with the women in the summer class I will start teaching on July 5. And I will share the questions and answers in this blog over the summer months. My working title for the class is: Life Lessons My Mother(S) Taught Me: Live, Laugh, Love, Learn, Leave a Legacy.

This class will be a sort of "group mentoring" where attendees will not only hear the Word but we will also hear from women who will share their own life stories of how God has brought spiritual mothers and sisters alongside of them. In Titus 2 the Apostle Paul tells Pastor Titus to equip the older women to teach the younger women how to reflect Christ in their daily lives. In keeping with that model, I've asked Chuck to join us at the end of class to answer a different life question each week.

We don't want to answer questions no one is asking so if you could ask an older woman any question, what would it be? And what life question would you like to ask the pastor? Send me your questions at Sharon.betters@markinc.org.

We'll share some of the questions and answers on future blogs.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 16, 2009 9:01 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Forgiveness

A friend showed me what walking by faith looks like when your heart is broken. Unless God gave me grace, I couldn't do what she did. My own heart agreed with her cries, "This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to do this! How can I? I can't! I can't!"

I wanted to tell her, "Then don't. I agree with you - this isn't fair. Your enemy doesn't deserve grace." But I couldn't join her obedience resistance because Jesus had already given her marching orders. His call was clear. Forgive.

Someone has said that choosing not to forgive is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. What a picture of bitterness. Bitterness steals peace. No peace means no rest.

Forgiveness requires walking by faith. Walking by faith requires doing what doesn't come naturally and goes against every normal response.

A few months ago I joined a Body Pump class at our local YMCA. Fortunately, a friend warned me to start out slowly because after her first class she could not move without crying. I thought I had heeded her advice but the next day I moaned with every step to the point that my husband rushed to my side to help me. "Don't pay attention to my cries. It's just that every muscle in my body is screaming in rebellion over that exercise class!" Our daughter Heidi told me I had to go back and work through the pain. Because I've seen the results of physical perseverance in her life, I followed her orders. I forced my body to surrender to the stretching and weight lifting and push ups. Slowly the muscles got the message and stopped screaming for relief.

The first steps of forgiveness often result in the same kind of emotional and spiritual pain. Dormant spiritual muscles wail, "NO, NO, NO! This HURTS!!" We might conclude that such pain means we shouldn't go forward. But my friend taught me that instead of stopping and going backward, we need to adjust our pace and give ourselves permission to take tinier steps. But we can't stop. What does forgiveness look like and how do we get there? It's different for each situation except for the first step of choosing to obey God's call to forgive. We find the power to forgive by looking at the cross and seeing our enemy through the eyes of Jesus.

As I watched the miracle of grace transform my dear friend into a woman of strength, I envied the miracle of grace I saw in her. But I also knew that unless God gave me similar grace, I could never take the steps I witnessed her take. Forgiveness required her to die to self and put aside her own sense of justice and need for vengeance. She recognized her inability to make hard choices and surrendered her will to wise counselors whose wisdom came from scripture. Emotional and physical exhaustion followed her obedience because her surrender to God's ultimate glory took every ounce of strength to break through the shell of bitterness wrapped around her soul. I saw hope in her eyes for the first time since the betrayal. In that moment she experienced supernatural power she didn't know resided in her soul. She also recognized that this one step was the first of many more difficult moments toward healing and reconciliation.

Trusting God's wisdom and perfect love equips us to obey in the hard moments. But then we must trust again in the obedience. We must trust Him with the outcome of our obedience. And then what do we do when our obedience brings about the very thing we were trying to escape...

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 9, 2009 12:59 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Mother's Day

I think the hymn writer got it wrong. The title Trust and Obey really should read, Trust and Obey AND TRUST.

Because sometimes God calls us to impossible tasks and our obedience seems ludicrous. When our sixteen-year-old son was killed in a car accident, I knew God's expectations of me were impossible. I could not survive. I would not survive. I wasn't finished being Mark's mother. This was outrageous. I concluded that if I started screaming and refused to stop, someone would realize a terrible mistake had been made and give me back my son. I think that's called denial.

In the most impossible situation, God called me to trust AND OBEY. What did obedience look like for me? What did God require of me? Chuck told me that I must embrace sorrow as a friend. I could not. God called me to worship Him. I didn't know how. He demanded surrender. I would not. I wanted, I needed my child.

I heard that His promises are precious. I concluded they did not apply to me. Trust Him? My pathway was impossible. Yet, I had other children and though they were young adults, I knew they needed me to find a way out of the darkness. I did not want their brother's death to destroy their trust in God, even though I wasn't sure I could trust Him again. In desperation I turned to the only place that I could trust to be unchanging. God's Word. I hooked myself up to the scriptures the way doctors and nurses hook us up to intravenous medication. The only pathway for survival was to constantly wash my soul in His Word, trusting it to be truth, though my heart cried out, "Untrue." But I trusted by going back to His Word every day, every morning.

And still God wanted more. He called me to trust.....AND OBEY.

And slowly, very, very slowly, I obeyed. The obedience was not dramatic. It was mundane but required every ounce of strength remaining in my broken heart. I obeyed when I got out of bed every morning, trusting that when He calls us, He also equips us to obey. But then what should I do now that I was up?

God's Word was a light for my pathway. Jeremiah 29 called me to surrender to my captivity in the Land of Grief. But surrender with purpose and obedience and by choosing life and hope. Through this passage, God demanded that I plant gardens and allow those gardens to nurture me and my family. He called on me to love my family and to encourage them to trust His promises, to encourage them to build families, to give them in marriage and for them to bear children. Though I would always grieve, He wanted my life to empower our children and grandchildren to embrace joy and the possibilities of living with eternal purpose. If I surrendered to His specific instructions, our children would be nurtured by this obedience, this Garden of Life in the Land of Grief.

And I obeyed, fighting to conquer every emotion that tied me tightly in the abyss of sorrow. I met with Him every morning and begged Him to heal my broken heart. First like a gentle Father, then like a stern parent, God demanded, "Trust AND OBEY." But He wanted more. Give up your agenda (getting Mark back) and TRUST Me to perform My purposes in your obedience. Sometimes our obedience is a teeny, tiny step with tear-filled eyes with little hope that anything we are doing will lead to a good result. Sometimes we think our obedience is about big things when God is really calling us to obey in the mundane, ordinary tasks of life.

Sometimes I think God handed me a basket of mysterious seeds with instructions to plan them, not knowing what fruit they would bear. I could not have chosen sweeter, more succulent produce than God is harvesting from our Garden of Life. Where once sorrowful tears reigned, unabated tears of joy stream down my cheeks. Laughter and silliness fills our home when our kids and grandchildren gather. This day I am overwhelmed the miracle of welcoming our little granddaughter from India as our fourteenth grandchild.

God is keeping His promises of Psalm 30, a scripture I returned to again and again, "...weeping may visit in your home for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning..." In deep grief I cried out to my God, "Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help." And He turned my wailing into dancing; He removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart sings to Him and I will not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever. May every mother whose heart is breaking, take hope and trust and obey and trust.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 15, 2009 11:04 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

"We had to put locks on the outside of my mother's bedroom door...she wandered outside last night..."

This was my first contact with a family impacted by Alzheimer's. I was a young pastor's wife and I couldn't fathom his mother behaving in such a way. She was a godly, older woman, gentle and kind. She lived with her son and his wife and her family clearly adored her. The next time I saw her, I could see the fear in her eyes. She looked lost. What happened to God's promise that faithful older people would bear fruit in their old age? Ever growing, ever green? Not to me.

The woman sitting in Chuck's office cried as she described the dark cloud over her soul. Depression gripped her heart and she was desperate for help. This woman was one of God's precious daughters: godly, mature, mentor to many, married to a difficult man. Chuck gave her an assignment designed to help turn her heart toward the Lord and to get her emotions under control. A month later, she returned in worse shape than in her initial meeting. After a careful conversation and observing physical symptoms, Chuck concluded that her depression was not spiritual but medically induced. He sent her to the best specialists he could find to test her for anything that could cause depression. The diagnosis stunned us: Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Again, what about God's promise to aging believers? How could this diagnosis be God's definition of bearing fruit in old age? Ever growing, ever green? Not to me.

Though young people are not exempt from such diagnoses, older people are more prone to Alzheimer's, heart disease, cancer, Parkinson's Disease, broken bones, dementia. Getting rid of wrinkles and brown spots, thinning hair, and creaky bones take a back seat to the ravages of aging when a diagnosis of such magnitude takes front stage in our lives.

In the context of extreme physical limitations, what do we make of God's promise:

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him." Psalm 92:12 - 15

Whenever I teach Bible study where young women are present I always challenge them with these words, "If you don't want to be a bitter, angry woman when you're old and gray, make choices now to choose Christ, to feed His spirit in you. Don't think you can wait until you're old to learn how to be kind, gentle, and content. Godliness is hard work. Choosing to reflect Christ in difficult times requires emotional and spiritual energy. Older people often complain that they have little energy compared to the days of their youth. Many older people don't bother trying to be godly because it's too much work and they don't really care what people think about them any more. Choose righteousness while you have the energy!"

I am struck by the closing proclamation of the ever-growing, ever green passage in Psalm 92: They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright, he is my Rock and there is no wickedness in him."

Perhaps God's view of fruit bearing is different than ours. A virus attacked my mother's heart when she was in her early sixties. Before her diagnosis of life-threatening congestive heart failure and cardio myopathy, she was a hands on grandmother, ready to go sledding, biking, and physically interact with her many grandchildren. She worked in the family business and enjoyed mentoring young girls in her church. Suddenly she was not allowed to even kiss her grandchildren for six months because of the possibility of infection. She struggled with a new definition of bearing fruit in old age and staying fresh and green. As a grandmother of fourteen, I am only just beginning to grasp her deep sorrow and disappointment over God's plans for her remaining years on this earth. But in our minds, our mother left this world with a fresh and green spirit and she repeatedly proclaimed in her dying moments, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." In her physical weakness, she saw the goodness of the Lord in her life.

Who better than an old woman or an old man to proclaim with confidence, "The Lord is upright, he is my Rock and there is no wickedness in him." Who better than those who have lived long lives and walked rocky pathways filled with potholes and hidden terrors? Who better than those of us in this winter of life to proclaim from life experiences, "My God is sovereign and you can trust Him. I say this, because I know from experience, He is my Rock and there is no wickedness in Him."

And because of His past faithfulness, I can trust Him with whatever days I have left to proclaim His goodness, whether from a bed of physical affliction like my mother or in the context of unusual physical health and strength like my 84-year-old father.

I pray He gives me strength to be ever growing ever green, no matter what pathway He has marked out for me.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 14, 2009 11:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

The first time I heard the phrase "ever growing, ever green" it was in reference to my then seventy-something father. My mother had died the year before. Though physically fragile, she had planned to attend a national women's conference with my sisters and her granddaughters in keeping with her lifelong practice of supporting and applauding every achievement of her children and grandchildren. She wanted to be part of this historic event where I had the privilege of teaching a seminar on grief and speaking on Sunday morning. In addition to co-leading worship, our son Chuck was giving a mini-piano concert Saturday night. Though it required travel to Atlanta, Georgia, my mother was determined to be part of this family moment. Because of her uncertain health needs, my father planned to accompany her. My mother died in December, 2008, but she left a well-taught husband (See Every Growing, Ever Green Part 1). In honor of my mother's memory, Daddy decided to attend the all women's conference, along with my husband. Close to thirty family members, including our daughter, daughter-in-law, soon to be daughter-in-law, our other son, all of my sisters, sister-in-laws, and many of my nieces gathered at the women's conference, ready to enjoy family and inspiration. Over thirty women from our church joined in. When the organizers realized the beauty of the covenant promises of God that our family reflected, they asked my father to introduce me. Only those who know my father understand what a huge task lay before him. Until my mother's death, Daddy was a man of few words - he let Mommy do the talking - which she gladly did. To think of him in front of 3000 women, speaking about his daughter and family (especially so soon after my mother's death), was more than I could imagine. But I gave him the invitation and after a split second of silence, he accepted the task. Let the praying begin!

As I review my parents' lives I realize that in keeping with his character and lifelong response to opportunities, my father had no choice but to say "yes" to the privilege of choosing to step outside of his comfort zone and proclaim the faithfulness of God with his lips, just as he had often done with his actions. Psalm 92:12 - 15 paints a picture of one who is "ever-growing, ever green."

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright; he is my Rock and there is no wickedness in him."

Throughout my own life I have walked through open doors that lead to tasks way outside of my comfort zone. The older I get the more I realize my parents taught me by their own lives, that we should always be open to the possibilities of new opportunities. I can't actually remember my parents sitting me down to teach me some of these core values, I learned them by watching.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 12, 2009 7:33 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

I first heard the term "ever growing ever green" used by a friend to describe my father. She had just learned about Daddy and his long history of building churches and Christian schools, serving as an elder in his local church and generous support of numerous ministries. I was intrigued by the scripture reference and concluded that I wanted to be just like my father when I grew up (I was in my early fifties at the time).

Last week, my 84-year-old father was on his way to Idaho where he will join my sister and her family. Just the description, 84-year-old father, might imply that he is a fragile, elderly man, limited by age and physical ailments. Not so. A day after his arrival, they will begin a trip that will culminate with an Easter Sunrise Service at the Grand Canyon. Daddy described some of their itinerary, a different hotel every night with sight-seeing along the way and I got tired thinking about all the travel.

Sometimes when I call him, I'll ask, "And where are you today? Texas? Kentucky? Ohio? Idaho?" He chuckles and often responds, "Well, I'm home right now but tomorrow, I leave for..." Or, "I'm in Texas visiting your sister..."

My father is a self-made man, one of the Greatest Generation. After coming home from World War II, he started his own contracting business. There is a development in Middletown, Delaware, USA, called Sharondale. Yes, his construction company built it and he named it after me when I was about five years old. Through the thick and thin days of running his own business, he didn't waver from his core values. Many of his seven children and their future spouses as well as grandchildren worked in his contracting business where we inherited his strong work ethic.

My father is a churchman. When the church doors were open, he expected his children to attend. His experience in church life equipped him for what would be his business focus in later years: building churches. Missions captured his heart but he never saw himself as a missionary. Instead, when he was in his fifties, he told me that one day he wanted to use his church-building experience to help build churches for mission works in poor countries. A few years later my mother was diagnosed with life-threatening congestive heart failure that transformed her active lifestyle into months of bed rest and years of physical limitations. Though she forged ahead when she felt well, my father's dream of the two of them traveling to remote areas of the world to build churches had to be set aside. Instead, my father poured himself into helping local churches make the best use of their resources to build houses of worship that would train missionaries and church planters. He's well known in our region as a church builder and is still sought after by churches who know they can trust his churchman mentality and experience to help them get the most from God's money in their own church-building campaigns. Last year he began the process of retiring from his family business and turning the reigns over to my brother and his sons. More than a business, my father gave them the legacy of his name and highly-respected reputation. Priceless.

My mother died at Christmas, 1998, after a long illness. As I observed Daddy after her death, I concluded that in several important aspects, she had prepared him for her absence. Though always stoics when it came to death and grief, when our son, Mark, died, my mother realized that our way of grieving was far different than she had ever experienced. She read the same books on grief that I was reading and told my father he needed to read them, too, because, "Chuck and Sharon are not reacting to Mark's death in a way that we would and we need to understand them." (More on that in a later post.) I think her example influenced his response to her death. Instead of stoicly hiding his sorrow, my father openly grieved for my mother. He was unashamed of his tears or to admit that he cried every day in her absence. I think my mother prepared him to grieve openly because she embraced our grief journey though open grieving was foreign to her.

Because of her illness, Mommy was unable to attend many family and church activities but she always made my father go without her. We thought it was because she wanted him to report every detail to her but I often wonder if she was sacrificing her own needs so that when she was gone, he would continue this practice of participating in ministry and social activities. She didn't want him to be alone.

Unlike many widowers my father doesn't hesitate to attend any activity that connects him to family and church family because over the thirteen years of my mother's illness, he became accustomed to attending such activities without her. He sometimes attends three church services on Sundays in three locations in order to see children and grandchildren who attend those services as well as long-term friends in his home church. He keeps his church friends posted on his widespread family (over 100 grandchildren and great grandchildren) and like me, they have a hard time keeping up with all of his travels and projects.

Yes, my father is ever growing and ever green. Over the next few weeks I hope to share some of the lessons my father continues to teach me as he continues to walk by faith in the pathway God has marked out for him.

Yes, I want to be just like my father when I grow up.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 8, 2009 10:21 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

On my 2009 bucket list is this goal: Understand God's view of aging and revel in it. I admit it. That's a tough assignment when our culture idolizes youth with every commercial, movie, television program, magazine. Our culture is not kind to aging women. We hear more and more of how fifty is the new sixty and sixty is the new seventy. What in the world does that mean? Skin care advertisers lie that their products get rid of wrinkles, spots, and puffiness (make sure you read the fine print before you plop down your credit card). I have a friend who told me that Preparation H is perfect for getting rid of puffy eyes....In spite of my drawer full of creams and ointments, every day I can sing, "Morning by morning new wrinkles I see" to the tune of Great is Thy Faithfulness.

And how about those toned bodies on older women that are held up as attainable goals....come on, girls. How many hours a day are these women spending with a personal trainer? And I really want to know about the air brushing of the pictures.

Just to make myself feel better, I'll scan pictures on the internet of stars caught without makeup (and I'll bet women a lot younger than me do the same). The before and after pictures are startling, even of younger women whose physical beauty is often breath-taking after their stylists and make up artists finish their work. Most stars stripped of make up look like any woman in the grocery store or herding her children into the car after a full day of shopping or running errands.

The same media and culture idolizes physical beauty and youth. How many times do we see pictures of aging women with the headline, "She Doesn't Look Bad for Sixty!" Or "Seventy" or even "Eighty!" We carefully scrutinize the woman's face, her eyes, hair, complexion and body and compare. How do we measure up? We wonder, would a long lost friend truthfully exclaim, "You look great! You haven't aged a bit!"

Then reality sets in with the next picture of the same star without her makeup and no smile. And we think, "If she can't stop the evidence of aging with all of her money and resources how can I with my over the counter wrinkle reducing creams and ointments guaranteed to get rid of the bags under my eyes? It's hopeless!"

And so, the search begins. God's Word tells us that aging in His eyes is beautiful. That gray hair represents the beauty of a well-lived life and reflects wisdom. And He calls on us to be ever growing, ever green.

What does that mean? And is it an attainable goal?

Over the next few weeks I'll share some of my thoughts on this season of life. I'd love to hear your thoughts as well.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 14, 2009 1:46 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

Cancer cells found a weak spot in my body and made themselves at home. Once the tumor rooted itself firmly, it put out tentacles of rogue cells that found their way into my lymph nodes. Through a mammogram for another complaint, the cancer was found out and aggressive treatment wiped it out.

Cancer cells are sneaky and search patiently for a vulnerable spot to land and grow. Rogue cells like bones. I learned that strengthening my bones could protect them from an invasion. After the last of six months of chemo treatments, I worked hard to build up my immune system as a hedge of protection against disease. Over twenty years later, I am still cancer free.

Heart disease came next. Two-thirds of those diagnosed with this particular heart condition either get worse or stay the same. I wanted to be in the one-third who get better. No one could guarantee how to make that happen but I realized that my best defense against it progressing was to strengthen my core, to do whatever I could to strengthen the heart muscle along with the other muscles and bones in my body. Exercise, vitamins, medication, careful oversight by my doctors, healthy eating - though none of these might appear to be heart and cancer fighting soldiers, each one works as a boundary that slows down the advance of disease. Slowly but surely my heart is getting stronger.

When our daughter heard that her dad's "good hip" was giving him trouble, she researched what she could do to protect her own body from succumbing to what seems to be a genetic condition. The message didn't change: Strengthen your core with strength training. Strengthen surrounding muscles and bones with exercise.

As I was reviewing Chuck's new book, Teaching Them Young: The Hidden Treasures of the Proverbs, I concluded that he was exhorting parents with the same message: strengthening their spiritual core as well as their children's will help prepare their children's souls to fight off the attack of rogue cells that are looking for a place to root and grow in their children's lives. Each principle from Proverbs is another fence designed to build our children's spiritual muscles and bones so that they can fight off the temptation to look for satisfaction and contentment anywhere but in their relationship to Christ.

Teaching Them Young is not a parenting recipe with ten steps to raising a happy child, but rather a call to personal confrontation and doing the hard work of marathon parenting, strengthening our own spiritual cores as we act as personal trainers for our children.

Strengthening my physical core requires discipline and self-denial. I'm more apt to listen to a personal trainer whose physical body reflects the results of discipline and self-denial. Strengthening my spiritual core requires discipline and self-denial. It's a no-brainer to realize that a child in spiritual training might listen more readily to parents whose own spiritual core reflects a lifetime of discipline and self-denial. Teaching Them Young: The Hidden Treasures of the Proverbs is a tool you want in your parenting (and grandparenting) personal trainer's regimen.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 6, 2009 9:23 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

The assignment was simple: Identify one activity or goal on your "bucket list" for 2009 for your marriage and share it with the group at our final gathering. Our married couples class had been meeting every Sunday morning for several months and we had addressed some basic but at times difficult issues. This was our first Date Night at the Betters and the atmosphere was casual and expectant. One topic led to another until Chuck said, "Ok, let's hear your bucket list goals for 2009." Each spouse shared, some cryptically, others with abandon: better communication, getting priorities on the same page, dealing with a specific sin issue, cultivating closer relationships with extended family, having more "fun!"

When Chuck and I reviewed the evening discussion later, we realized that unless each of us mapped out a plan for accomplishing our goals, it was likely we could meet in December and we all would have the same goals for 2010 because the tyrannical needs of urgent every day life would cancel out addressing the important tasks on our marriage bucket lists. For example, if I want to have a closer relationship with Chuck, I need to plan ways I will cultivate that relationship, i.e. date nights, praying together every day, calling him just because. If I want to find a better way to communicate, I will plan time for communicating, study him to determine how he responds to facial expressions and tones of voice. In other words, I will be intentional. Building a strong, godly marriage requires planning, hard work, humility, planning - yes, I said planning twice!

I recently reviewed my two "bucket lists." I have one for 2009 and one for the rest of my life. I wrote about this bucket list in a previous blog post. I concluded that unless I wrote out a plan for accomplishing my goals, I would come to January, 2010, and write out the exact same list. Forcing myself to carefully consider my goals revealed that I absolutely must give up other activities if I am to be successful in experiencing the joy of successfully fulfilling these dreams.

Bucket lists are for people who recognize life is short, that at any moment, we can "kick the bucket!" We want to make sure we are using the gift of time in a way that has an eternal purpose. Making a list and checking it twice, and again and again, confronts me with choices and gives me the opportunity to decide exactly what is important enough for my time and effort.

After reviewing my lists, I am pretty sure I still want to accomplish every item, some in 2009, others before I "kick the bucket." I'm working on a plan so that I can intentionally cross off accomplished goals, one at a time. Or I can adjust the list as real life adjusts my priorities.

How about you? What's on your bucket list? And how will you make it happen?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 2, 2009 6:28 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Forgiveness

"You are never more like Christ than when you forgive." Let me repeat that, "You are never more like Christ than when you forgive." The friend who shared this truth knows what it is to be forgiven and he was encouraging another sinner that her own sin confronted her with a choice: to forgive those who hurt her or to hang on to the metal cloak of anger that protected her from the reality of her own pain. If she chose anger, bitterness would root in her life and defile many. Our son, Chuck, posted his thoughts about forgiveness on his Facebook page and with his permission, I share them with you. Forgiveness, a hard choice, but remember my friend's words: You are never more like Christ than when you forgive.

Forgiveness: by Chuck L. Betters

When a person is redeemed, they are released from bondage or penalty by the payment of a ransom price. It is at the cross that Christ does his redeeming work for us. Condemned criminals, prisoners of war, and slaves are freed through his redeeming work. On the cross, Christ gave himself as a ransom for us (I Tim. 2:6). We are bought at a price (I Cor. 6:20). The price tag of forgiveness is costly. The redemption at the cross was costly-Christ became sin so that we may be justified.

So many times in life, we are hurt by others. Many times we may be deeply hurt by the people closest to us--maybe a spouse, a parent, a best friend, or a child. With genuine forgiveness, the person who was hurt actually absorbs the wrong and prevents it from spreading and multiplying. So basically, when you truly forgive someone, you bear the brunt of their wrongdoing.

Christ did this for us when He nailed the sinner's certificate of indebtedness to the cross and disarmed the rulers and authorities by making a public spectacle of them. Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law by becoming a curse for us. There is an interesting verse all the way back in Deut. 21:23 that says: for it is written, cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. We have no clue how humiliating the cross was for Christ Jesus--he really did become a curse. He absorbed our wrongs. Gal 3:13 tells us that Christ died for the accursed.

When you have been deeply wronged by another, there is no way to rush the healing process. You have been wounded and it will take time for those wounds to heal. There can be restoration in this life, however. The decision you need to make is whether or not you are going to forgive the person who wronged you. The offending party can say they are sorry--but the question is whether or not you are going to actually forgive them. It bears repeating: forgiving another means that you assume, and bear the burden of the results of that person's sin.

When you forgive, the wounds will start to close up and will begin to heal. Depending on the sin, it may take a very long time. If you don't forgive the other person, you will carry around this pain, as an open wound, for the rest of your life. Many times, the person who offended us doesn't even ask for forgiveness or believe they were wrong in their actions. Still, we are confronted with the decision: to forgive or not to forgive.

I am currently recovering from back surgery. They cut me through the stomach, moved my insides all around, fused the vertebrae, and then closed me up. It will take a year or longer for me to heal: if I ever fully heal. In the meantime, my body is reacting against the trauma. It did so by throwing very dangerous blood clots to my lungs. In other words, the process of recovering from the original wound almost killed me even though I was doing everything I could for my body to heal.

It may almost kill you to forgive another person, and in fact, a part of you may have already died. For some it may feel like it is too much to bear to forgive another. Even after you forgive, the process of healing will be difficult. Here's the beautiful part: Christ raises the dead. In fact, it is through dying that we truly live. It is through "lost-ness" that we become found (Luke 15).

You may have been spiritually, emotionally, and even physically cut and wounded by another. The question is, will you forgive the other so those wounds can start to heal? When you don't forgive, that original wound remains open. What happens to open wounds? They become infected, they become a blemish, they are obvious to everyone around you, and it may spread to the rest of your body. Perhaps there is someone from your deep past whom you need to forgive. Perhaps now is the time for that wound to be closed up so the healing process can begin. Who is hurt more? The person who did the cutting, or the one who was cut and never really healed?

It may not be fair that the "ball is in your court" and that you are being asked to forgive another who has deeply hurt you. I know this will sound cliche'-ish: but it wasn't fair that Christ took our sins, our punishment, in His body, on the tree. When you forgive someone, you are standing in the gap for that person. You are becoming a Christ-type in their lives. When Christ forgives us, somehow, someway, He forgets the offense. It is as if we had never sinned. Then when God views us, we are justified freely! He became sin for us so that we could become the righteousness of God.

Who do you need to forgive?

And will you choose to forgive. . .

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : February 15, 2009 8:25 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

In her classic piece, A Man Moves Toward Marriage (source: Love has a Pricetag by Elisabeth Elliot), Elisabeth Elliot addresses the topic of men, dating and marriage. She doesn't pull any punches and declares that "If men would be men, women could do a better job of being women (and vice versa, of course but the buck really stops with the men). What does it mean to be a man? Christ is the supreme example. He was strong and He was pure, because His sole aim in life was to be obedient to the Father. His very obedience made Him most manly - responsible, committed, courageous, courteous and full of love. A Christian man's obedience to God will make him more of a man than anything else in the world."

Elisabeth continues to describe the qualities that flow from obedience to God: responsibility (Man was made to be initiator, provider, protector for women); commitment (He must be a man of his word, no matter what it costs.); Courage (a man must be willing to take the risks of rejection, blame and all that commitment costs.); courtesy (A Christian's rule of life should be: my life for yours.); Purity (He must be master of himself if he is to be the servant of others.).

Valentine's Day conjures up a definition of love that includes roses and candy and silky lingerie. But girls, while you're waiting for that one true love, carefully consider these character qualities. Don't sell yourself short by settling for a man who does not share a commitment to obedience to Christ.

It would be easy to end the challenge with the spotlight on men, but godly men are looking for women who are sold out to obeying God's Word and cultivating a character that reflects redemption. As I review these qualities, I am challenged to look at my own heart and consider if I am selling my husband short in any of them. Am I a woman of my word, no matter what it costs? Am I courageous in taking risks by serving those who may not appreciate my heart or acts of love? Am I courteous, other oriented? Am I a woman of purity? Do I discipline myself in a way that flows out into serving others?

In the aftermath of this Valentine's Day, let's think about the greatest love reflected in the man of all men, Jesus. And how He longs for His great love to flow out through our lives (men and women) and into the lives of others.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : February 13, 2009 9:24 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

Before the term "spiritual mother" became a popular term, Elisabeth Elliot mothered and mentored thousands of women through her teachings and writings. Though I have never met her, I consider myself one of her "spiritual daughters." A number of years ago, I had the privilege of speaking at a women's retreat in California for a church whose pastor's wife was Elisabeth's daughter, Val. During a break I tried to express my thanks to Val for her mother's influence in my life and Val asked, "Have you ever told her yourself?" I guess my silence conveyed my confusion (Me personally contact the renowned Elisabeth Elliot? No way!) because Val continued, "Sharon, my mother doesn't understand why anyone would want to read her books or listen to her speak. She often questions why God has given her this calling and she needs encouragement as much as anyone else. You should write her a note and tell her what you think."

Mind you, my theme for the weekend was Treasures of Encouragement, messages based on my book where I teach how to be a biblical encourager! As soon as I arrived home, I sent Elisabeth a note in which I tried to communicate her godly influence on me. Within a week, I received a personal response thanking me for reaching out to her.

When a young woman complains that she cannot find a spiritual mother, I encourage her to attach herself to women like Elisabeth Elliot, Amy Carmichael, and other women (living and dead) who have helped shape me through their lives, books, and teachings. I tell them to read their books, listen to their seminars, take opportunities to study their lives and learn how to reflect redemption through their teachings and examples. I try to convey this counsel in one of the chapters in my book, Treasures of Encouragement. Months after the death of our son, Mark, I struggled with grief and a loneliness that I couldn't define. I had no new words to describe my feelings so concluded it was useless to cry to a faithful friend one more time. But I needed a friend. I pulled one of Susan Hunt's books off of our shelf, built a fire in the fireplace and snuggled on the sofa under a thick afghan. I hungrily read every word, looking for something that would give me hope for the next moments. I don't remember what book I read or even the core message but I came away with this exhortation: Your circumstances are your platform for glorifying Christ. In the years since, when I have wanted to give up, that core truth confronts me with a choice shaped by God's Word. Though Susan was not physically in the room with me that day, she mothered and nurtured me with God's eternal purposes.

Elisabeth Elliot can mentor you through the wonders of technology when you sign up for her devotional through Back to the Bible. I just read one of her classic pieces, A Man Moves Toward Marriage.

It's a keeper that I plan to share with our grandsons as they mature.

Who has nurtured and mothered you from afar?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : February 3, 2009 12:21 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Love

Chuck hates Valentine's Day. As soon as the marketing gurus launch their onslaught of commercials designed to create deep guilt for every man who doesn't buy his love a diamond ring, heart shaped necklace or sexy lingerie, Chuck warns me not to expect anything. After all, he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to express his love for me. He does that every day by the way he treats me. My husband is a romantic and I have lots of stories I could tell about how he has demonstrated his love in surprising ways over the years. In ways that are so much better than a Valentine's Day Card that he has to buy because of marketing pressure. Yet, I brought preconceived ideas about Valentines Day into our marriage. When I was growing up, on the morning of February 14, I would sometimes wake up to find a small heart shaped box of candy outside my bedroom door. My mother always said it was from my father but sometimes there would be an extra gift that only a mom would think to buy for her daughter. As a young wife, I tried not to let the commercialism of February love raise my expectations of my husband but I wasn't really content to let the holiday go. One year I decided I could still create Valentines Day traditions with our children without seeming to insult Chuck for his lack of recognition of this unashamed attempt by our culture to get us to spend billions of dollars on cards, candy, jewelry and roses. Loves me, loves me not . . .

I covered a shoe box with construction paper, cut out hearts and a slit in the top for mail. I gave our children dime store Valentines Day cards to address to each of their siblings, mommy and daddy. I carefully followed instructions for making a heart-shaped cake and set the table with china and candles. I put on my best spiritual face that this display had nothing to do with guilting my young husband into giving me a gift. What should have been a Hallmark Card moment ended up in disaster. The two older kids fought over who got the most cards, the two babies were cranky, the cake crumbled because it was still warm when I iced it and my sweet, romantic husband didn't think my motives were quite pure! I have a feeling that deep inside I really was trying to make him feel guilty......Loves me not?

At the first sign of the Valentines Day commercialism, Chuck still makes his speech in which he declares he will not bow to commercial pressure. Yet somehow we always end up doing something special on February 14 and last year we even exchanged funny cards - but absolutely not in the name of Valentines Day! Loves me?

What does love look like to you? Is it always wrapped up in the gift of a card, jewelry, perfume, sexy lingerie? Or is it better displayed when someone takes out the trash, picks up the dirty clothes, clears the table and cleans up the kitchen, makes the bed, surprises you with your favorite ice cream for no reason at all, lets you pick out the chick flick instead of the war movie, would rather watch the Super Bowl with you than his buddies, sends a card thanking you for your friendship, says "let's order out" or just sits by your side when you're grieving?Definitely loves me.....

I have a drawer full of cards from Chuck that I cherish. I love finding the cards I have sent to Chuck tucked away in his dresser or saved in a folder of important papers. Each one reminds us of a moment in time that is forever seared on our hearts and that makes them priceless. I treasure the times Chuck has surprised me with a special gift, a uniquely crafted piece of jewelry, a surprise evening out. Yet without the daily and mundane consistent demonstrations of love that transform a relationship into a majestic lasting friendship these gifts would be worthless baubles. I know this because I have friends whose Valentines Day cards, precious gems, furs and material possessions cover hearts longing for genuine love and respect from their spouses.

What does love look like to you? Instead of hanging your hopes on one kind of demonstration, look for love in the mundane, the dailiness of life and you may be surprised to recognize that the marketing Valentines Day gurus don't have it quite right.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : January 12, 2009 5:36 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Faith

This past week a radio listener called and requested this excerpt from this message aired on the radio and internet: Seven Life-Changing Principles Every Christian Should Make.

The staff of MARKINC Ministries was deeply moved by this call to experiencing God's graciousness and power in 2009 and wanted to share it with you. You can listen or download the entire message by clicking here.

Or you can order it from our store. Many thanks to the listener who reminded us of this message and the challenge to carefully consider New Year's Resolutions in an eternal context. We hope you will pass on this encouragement to friends and family and that it will open their hearts and minds to the God's dreams for their lives.

Seven Life-Changing Resolutions Every Christian Should Make

I will by God's grace be...

Like Paul, forget those things which are behind and press forward.
Like David, lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help.
Like Abraham, believe God and have it counted for righteousness.
Like Enoch, walk with God in such a way that it pleases Him.
Like Jesophaphat, prepare my heart to please God.
Like Moses, choose to suffer affliction with the people of God.
Like Daniel, pray to my God regardless of the kings decree.
Like Job, be patient in all unforeseen circumstances.
Like Joshua & Caleb, refuse to be discouraged when in the minority.
Like Joseph, turn my back on seductive advances.
Like Gideon, move ahead in spite of small numbers.
Like Aaron, & Hur uphold the hands of my spiritual leaders.
Like Isaiah, fully consecrate myself to the Lord for service.
Like Andrew, strive to bring my brother to Christ.
Like John, become the closest of the disciple.
Like Stephen, pray for the forgiveness of those who do me harm.
Like Timothy, study to shew myself approved of God.
Like Jesus Himself, be willing to die to self to bring forth much fruit.
Realizing that I cannot hope to accomplish these things in my own strength, I will rely upon Christ, for "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

In His Grip,
Sharon and Chuck Betters

Posted At : January 8, 2009 2:04 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Goals

Have you seen the movie, The Bucket List? Blue collar mechanic Carter Chambers and billionaire hospital magnate Edward Cole meet for the first time in the hospital after both have been diagnosed with cancer. They become friends as they undergo their respective treatments. Carter is a gifted amateur historian and family man who had wanted to become a history professor, but in his youth had been "broke, black, and with a baby on the way" and thus never rose above his job at the McCreath body shop. Edward is a four-times-divorced corporate tycoon and eccentric loner.

Both are diagnosed with a year or less to live. Carter begins writing a "bucket list," or things to do before he "kicks the bucket." After hearing he has less than a year to live, Carter wads it up and tosses it on the floor. Edward finds and reads it. Edward pushes Carter (by suggesting he add things like seeing the world, skydiving ("fun things," etc.), and promises to finance the trip. Despite the protests of his wife, Carter eagerly agrees.

The pair then begin an around-the-world vacation, embarking on race car driving, skydiving, climbing the Pyramids and going on a lion safari in Africa. Along the way, they discuss faith and family, and movie goers watch as they slowly open up about their deepest feelings and an intimate friendship grows.

Recently Chuck preached a sermon The Bucket List in which he challenged us to look at God's bucket list for His people and to experience His dreams for each of us in 2009. I'm sure many hearing the message were as stunned as I to consider how many dreams God has for each of us, dreams designed to give us an eternal purpose, dreams that we never experience. At the end of every year, I spend a lot of time processing the past and considering my priorities for the next year. Chuck's sermon narrowed my focus for 2009 and I'm actively creating my own list of spiritual experiences and activities that I hope to accomplish before I "kick the bucket!"

What have I always wanted to do but have not made a priority because it would take too much time, too much energy, or I might fail? At the top of my Spiritual Bucket List is the desire to be a praying woman. A few years ago my friend, Carol Marker, and I traveled to Japan to speak at a women's retreat. The organizer of the retreat was an elderly woman whose husband was fighting serious cancer. This woman took us to the top of a mountain that overlooked the city. Her passion for the thousands of people represented by the homes in the valley and the Naval Base moved us to tears. On the way up and down the mountain she pointed out altars to other gods where travelers would stop along the way and pray. She told us she used those altars for her own prayer time to the One True God. We were on holy ground. But this precious woman was not just other worldly in her prayer connection to God. As she started driving us back to the retreat center, we soon realized she had no idea where we were. Remember, we're in Japan. We don't speak Japanese and apparently she spoke very little herself! After our hostess admitted we were lost, she continued the conversation with, "And Jesus, we need you to show us how to get home...." She talked to Him as though (imagine this!) He was right in the seat next to her! And we soon found our way home.

She didn't giggle nervously as though praying in the middle of a conversation something odd. She just inserted the comment in the middle of her remarks to us and continued on as though talking to Jesus was normal. Which we soon realized, for her, it was. Her private prayer closet intimacy showed through in her daily conversations. Talking out loud to Jesus, by name, in the middle of a conversation with other human beings, was just as natural to her as breathing. I want my conversations with Jesus to be like hers when I grow up!

The first time Chuck and I traveled outside America was to Abidjan, South Africa. Chuck was there to teach African seminary students and I was there to help organize the women's ministry and speak at an African women's retreat. One of our first stops was a mid-day prayer meeting where four or five African men passionately prayed several times a day, every day, at the same time the horns blew to call Moslems to pray. They prayed out loud, loudly, sometimes wailing to God to bring revival to Africa. We didn't understand the language but we understood their hearts. They rocked back and forth, sometimes moaning under their burden for the peace of their local church and the salvation of family members and their country. I want to have that kind of praying heart for the unsaved and for my church.

These two experiences wakened in me a longing for more in my own prayer life. But life distracted me and the moment passed.

In the years following our son's death, I experienced that kind of personal intimacy with Jesus. I have the journals to remind me. But life distracted me and my heart forgot just how real and deep God's presence is when we open our souls to His dreams for us.

At the top of my spiritual bucket list is the goal of going deeper into the presence of God through the pathway of prayer. This is a selfish goal because I know accomplishing it will lead me into joy unspeakable. To help me focus on the privilege of intimacy with Christ, I am identifying a scripture passage to pray for each person in my family as well as scripture for our church. And here's the second item on my bucket list, memorizing scripture. I hope to memorize one passage a month so that I can pray scripture wherever I am and know that I am praying God's dreams for these people and for our church. Right now I am praying Psalm 122 for our church and our congregation. I am praying Psalm 121 for our new granddaughter, Siddhi, while we wait for her to come home from India and for our grandson, Cori, as he serves in the Navy.

If the bucket list intrigues you as it does me, I invite you to subscribe to my blog by entering your email address in the 'Subscribe' field in the left menu and join the conversation over the next few weeks as I share some of my thoughts on God's "bucket list" in 2009.

What's on your bucket list?

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : January 6, 2009 7:41 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Disciplines

Oprah Winfrey captured the world's attention once more by putting a picture of her present forty-pound heavier self next to the previous applause-getting slimmer self on the cover of her magazine, Oprah! She invites millions of people to join her as she once more confronts root issues that keep raising their ugly heads as evidence by her body size. I freely admit, she has my attention!

In a world where millions die of starvation on a daily basis, how can it be that we Americans spend billions of dollars on diet plans, books, fitness centers and continue to hear dire reports of the growing problem of obesity in our country? Biggest Loser personal trainer, Jillian Michaels puts her fool proof fitness plan into five easy to understand steps:

1. Put yourself first.
   
2. Eat better.
   
3. Move (exercise).
   
4. Have a positive attitude (Mental Health)
   
5. Take time to smell the roses.
   

I have to wonder what would happen to our world if we paid us much attention, invested as much time and energy, and spent as much money or our spiritual health as we do on our physical health? Put Jillian Michaels' 5 points to the test in a spiritual context.

1. Put yourself first. What does this mean for the Christian who embraces that the "last shall be first?" In my book, Treasures of Encouragement, I tell the story of a pastor who counseled a grieving mother this way. He said, "You must take care of yourself first if you want to be ready to take care of others. Think of the instructions on an airplane. If the oxygen masks drop down, grab yours, breathe into it and THEN help your child. By taking care of yourself first, you will be equipped and able to take care of your child." Sometimes a young mom will wail, "When is it my turn?" My response is often, "It's never your turn!" But here is my disclaimer. Take care of your spiritual health if you want to experience grace and peace as you walk by faith and meet the needs of others. Put your time with Christ on the same level as a doctor's appointment.
   
   
2. Eat better. What food are you putting into your spiritual soul? Are you satisfied with spiritual fluff? When you come to the banquet table of God's Word, do you choose only dessert or do you dig in to the meat that will help build strong spiritual muscles?
   

3. Move. Will you commit to using spiritual muscles as much as you are committed to exercising your physical body? Will you commit to the hard work of forgiveness, listening twice as much as you talk, extending mercy to someone who is genuinely helpless? If we refuse to move from misery to mercy to ministry, we will never experience spiritual health.
   

4. Attitude. Do you view life through the grid of hope or despair? Do you have a martyr's complex? Have you recently thought, "Why does everything bad happen to me?" Or will you choose to view life through the grid of God's promises? Someone has said that attitude is everything. I don't know if I would agree totally, but attitude is critical to physical and spiritual health. Depending on attitude, a forty-year-old can act like a ninety-year-old and a ninety-year-old can act like a forty-year-old. What is your attitude toward God's call to follow Him, to reflect Christ, to love your neighbor - your enemy?
   

5. Smell the roses. Where is your mental, emotional, and spiritual focus? Are you always looking at the next project, next task, next minute? Or are you choosing to slow down and enjoy the moment, to capture the magic of each new day?

I ask again. What if we put as much thought, time and effort into our spiritual health as we invest in our physical bodies? Where to begin? Other fitness experts remind us that great lifelong healthy habits are formed by making small, simple changes in three key areas: nutrition, fitness and stress. Reject the "lose it fast" attitude and pick out one small goal that will strengthen your spiritual muscles for a lifetime.

This past Sunday Chuck preached a sermon titled, The Bucket List. He challenged us to consider God's bucket list for His people and to develop our own personal bucket list. Coupling his challenge with my goal of strengthening my spiritual muscles, one of my personal spiritual goals for this year is to deepen my prayer life, to experience the joy of knowing God hears and will direct my daily activities through prayer. I have a plan in place to help me achieve this goal. I am in the process of choosing specific scriptures to pray for the people I love as well as my church. I challenge you to join me this week in this adventure. Pick out one passage to pray for your local church (mine is Psalm 122). Every day I put my church name, our staff, and our covenant family into this passage. I especially pray this passage on Saturday and Sunday morning. This past Sunday worship was sweeter and God's presence was even clearer to my soul as a result of this targeted prayer time. And I am expecting the members of our congregation to have hearts that are more open and sensitive to the truth of God's Word.

In my next entry I'll explain the bucket list and start sharing some of my personal spiritual fitness goals on my bucket list. Some of them will be small, simple changes that will impact my spiritual nutrition, fitness and stress. I hope you'll share some of your bucket list goals with me, too!

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 25, 2008 5:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Leaning Into the Pain of Christmas Grief

Well, here we are. Christmas Day. If you are in deep grief, this moment confronts you with a hard choice, a choice that you must make within the context of your own circumstances. Perhaps you've already decided to avoid

all cultural reminders of Christmas and curl up at home by yourself or with a few special friends and immediate family. If you are fresh in your grief, that might be the right decision for you in your unique circumstances. Maybe you are looking forward to attending a Christmas Day church service, fully expecting the soft lights, Christmas songs and Christmas ambiance to magnify your pain but hoping that the celebration of Christ's birth will somehow satisfy the longings in your heart.

For wisdom in making daily choices in this foreign land of grief, we eavesdrop on an ancient conversation. It's in this verbal exchange that God gives the mother of all gifts to Abraham and everyone in Abraham's family (which includes you if you are a child of God). To begin to understand the deep emotion of this moment, reach back into your own treasure chest of memories and recollect the delight and joy you experienced when you gave your loved one a priceless gift. That's how we imagine God felt when Abraham began unwrapping this precious gift placed in his hands by the very heart of God. Abraham was not seeking God and we think he was a moon worshipper. In this unique conversation (Genesis 12:1-3) God says (my translation), "Abraham, you're my child now. I chose you. From this moment on, I am binding you to me, I will walk with you. As we walk through life together, I will teach you what it means to be my child. When you are faced with difficult choices and painful circumstances, remember this. I am with you always. I will bless you. You in turn will be a blessing to others. Through you I am creating a community, a family with more people than you can count. You will be a blessing to others and this covenant community will be a blessing to many because of my Presence."

In Genesis 15:1 God continues this conversation with the words: "Do not be afraid, Abram, I am your shield, your very great reward." In response to Abram's fear, God promises His Presence which is the greatest protection and reward of all.

So what does this have to do with my life choices? Or what to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Sharon often said that when Mark went to heaven, he took her mind with him. She couldn't think straight and to this day admits she has trouble making quick decisions. But God did not leave either of us without a grid through which to push life decisions. In Galatians Paul declares, "If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."

Our decisions start with this truth: I belong to Christ. That makes me Abraham's seed which means I am part of the fulfillment of God's promise to build a huge family from the seed of Abraham. Therefore, the same promises He made to Abraham are part of my eternal inheritance. Every promise God made to Abraham belongs to me and to you if you know Jesus as your Savior. What are those promises? God promises me His Presence, that He will bless me, that I am part of a covenant community (spiritual family). It's in that family that I will experience blessings and learn how to be a blessing. Because of these promises, we look forward to being with our church family on Christmas Eve and family on Christmas Day. We know that being with them will nourish our souls and encourage us to believe that God is sovereign and we can trust Him. It's because of God's promise to make me a blessing to others that we choose to celebrate Christmas with loved ones rather than isolate ourselves in sorrow. These choices are sometimes difficult when our spirits are overcome by longing for Mark, but choosing to walk by faith in these moments often soothes our souls and supernaturally restores our hearts.

Stop for a moment and let this truth sink in. In the middle of your deep grief, daughter or son of the King, when you are so afraid of the future that you can barely breathe, so terrified of another phone call or knock on the door that could change your life forever, listen to the words God speaks to you through the promises to Abraham. Trace this promise throughout scripture:

Abram, Do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Isaac, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Jacob, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Joshua, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Gideon, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Jeremiah, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Paul, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
And Jesus to His disciples as He descended into heaven,
Do not be afraid, I will be with you.

Each one of these individuals had genuine reason to be afraid. God's call on their lives required them to do very hard tasks, to suffer deep pain, to walk by faith when all they could see was darkness. God's antidote to their fear was not to explain the why or how or even the solution to their challenge. He didn't tell them not to worry, everything would work out ok. No. God's response to their fear was the promise of His Presence. His method of comforting our broken hearts is the same. He doesn't tell us why our loved ones are gone. What answer would be good enough? Instead, He calls out, "Sharon, don't be afraid, I am with you. Trust my heart."

The book of Hebrews was written to frightened believers who were ready to give up. The writer uses every truth possible to encourage them to trust God with the unknown and in the last chapter he proclaims,

God Himself has said, 'I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any way or degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down, relax my hold on you. Assuredly not! (Hebrews 13:5, Amplified)

However you are spending Christmas, set aside time to reflect on this great gift of Christmas Presence. Ponder that first Christmas, the joy God experienced when He unveiled the fulfillment of His promise to Abraham, when He wrapped up His Son in the package of human flesh and delivered Him through the body of a young girl. And realize that He was thinking of how much you would need the reality of His Presence as you walked by faith in the Land of Grief. Give yourself permission to laugh, to share memories. Lean into the pain of grief and as you weep, listen for the whisper of God,

"My child, do not be afraid, I am with you."

We also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites we have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

With much love to all,
Sharon and Chuck Betters

Posted At : December 24, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Christmas Pain
Dr. Chuck Betters

Grief comes in all different sized packages. Our grief journey started with the sudden deaths of our sixteen-year-old son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly. Thirteen years later, I still wish I could erase mid-November through mid-January. Whether you are grieving loss through death, a broken relationship, a prodigal child, loss of health, holidays often magnify the sorrow.

Like many families, we reserved special gifts and fun surprises for the Christmas season. We loved all the glitz of the holiday, the lights, decorations, the anticipation of a white Christmas and our house rang with Christmas music as soon after Thanksgiving as possible. We enjoyed the special times with friends and family during our Christmas Eve Open House but we especially loved our Christmas Eve communion service. From the first year of our marriage Sharon and I had shared communion on this night of nights and it seemed to seal the life-driving force of Christ's calling.

On our way home from the hospital on that horrible July night of our son's death, I grabbed my wife's hand and whispered, "Christmas, what will we do with Christmas?" Click here to read the full story.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 23, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

God often used autobiographies and biographies as channels of His compassion in the early years of our grief journey. Especially encouraging were stories of people who chose to surrender to God's call when that surrender required sacrifice. Sometimes His call is not a choice, we have to surrender to His plans and learn how to partner with Him in His purposes. The only other option is to walk in bitterness and despair, always resentful and hostile toward His sovereign love.

The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely, chronicles the story of one family faced with choosing surrender to God's call when doing so required faith beyond anything they had ever experienced. I hope Laura's review will whet your appetite for this book as well as encourage you to believe that God is sovereign and you can trust Him, even if that choice requires enormous courage and strength.

The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely
Publisher: Random House, Inc. 1999
Book review by Laura Betters An act of compassion leads one young woman toward her life's calling while her family is led on an inspirational journey of faith.

This autobiography is a walk with the Beazely family on their journey toward God's calling in their lives. The struggle is one that every parent faces: entrusting our children to God. Jan Beazely's fears seem legitimate as she and her husband watch their eighteen year old daughter, Heather, board a plane to a country recently torn apart by revolution. Young Heather seems sure of the Lord's calling to go to Romania and help the children left behind by the war; to be a light in the darkness. The Beazely's are left trusting God with their daughter's life. But isn't it amazing how the God of wonders is at work in the smallest details of our every day lives, moving us and calling us to Him and His great eternal work? The things that seem ordinary, and even mundane, are working together in the greater plan of the God of the universe. For the Beazely family, the call was there from the beginning and we the reader get to watch the as the stitches come together, like a petite needlepoint masterpiece, on the spiritual journey that leads them to adoption and then to a ministry that would change the lives of many other children without hope around the world.

No matter what your life's calling, no matter the ministry God has set in your heart, this story is a reminder that true ministry is not found in the response of our emotions - it is not even found in accomplishments, what the world would call results - but rather it is found in our humble obedience to the Lord.

"When we yield in trusting surrender, we are ushered into the very center of His will, further than we dreamed possible."

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 22, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Three more days until Christmas. If you are grieving, you are counting the days, not because you can't wait for the fun but because you can't wait to put this season behind you. I have good news for you. We have learned that the anticipation of a holiday, birthday, anniversary of the death of our son is often worse than the actual day. We experience relief and freedom once the date comes. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I grabbed Isaiah 45:2-3 as my road map through that foreign country of disease. And when the Land of Grief threatened to destroy me, I came back to this scripture and claimed it as my life verse.

I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

And I combined it with Lamentations 3:19-24:
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

I could almost hear God saying, "Before the foundation of the world was formed, I created treasures just for you, designed to help turn your heart toward me when I seemed far away, designed to remind you that I am the Lord your God and I am also the One Who calls you by name. These treasures can only be recognized when you are in the darkness, they are stored in secret places, ready to be delivered to you at just the right moment."

I began looking for those treasures every day, trusting that He would keep His promise to give me just the right mercy to get me through the day. I describe this journey in my book, Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart.

But in this moment, I remember a special event when I felt hugged by God at Christmas. Our son, Mark, was a drummer, a very good one for a sixteen-year-old boy. That first Christmas without him, we bought each of our children a Lenox drummer boy and that began my tradition of looking for just the right drummer boy ornament or decoration. One year a few days before Christmas I stood in the Christmas display of a popular department store. I had almost hit my limit of Christmas trappings and was about ready to give up finding the traditional ornament. I took a deep breath and looked one more time. Ah! There it was. Perfect. Then came the tears that refused to stay behind my eyes. Oh, how I wanted Mark. Oh how I missed him. And then in the background I heard the music. The Little Drummer Boy. But never had I heard this jazz version. I knew God was sending me a hug with the song but then I felt as though I heard Mark with his characteristic grin say, "It's a little weird being the drummer boy but if I were playing that song, this is the way I would play it!" Did Mark really speak to me? Perhaps not. But for certain God did. That treasure was just enough to free my soul to enjoy the next few days, remembering that He is sovereign and I can trust Him to give me new mercies every morning, designed to remind me that He is the Lord my God, the One Who calls me by name.

In these last few days before Christmas, read Isaiah 45:2-3 and Lamentations 3:19-24. And put your name in the verse, as a love letter from God to you. And look for your treasures.

May you experience such treasures that your heart turns toward Him and you are free to enjoy the salvation Jesus came to give.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 19, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Debbie Reaves, regular contributor to Treasures of Encouragement, Debby's Devotions, leads us to the life of young Mary, the virgin mother of Jesus, our Redeemer. When the angel announced her pregnancy, she surrendered to the purposes of God. She surrendered knowing the pain she would experience as an unwed mother in the context of her culture. Would she have surrendered so willingly if she had a glimpse of that terrible day of crucifixion? Based on the song of Mary, I have a strong feeling that she often returned to this profound moment when the angel declared, "Do not be afraid, Mary. You have found favor with God." In those dark moments that come with parenting every child, I think Mary returned to that moment, when armed with the promise of God's favor, she declared, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." And with that surrender, she claimed the promise of Christmas Presence, that wherever God's pathway led, He was walking with her. But let's hear Debby's take on this precious moment.

Let it be, Lord
By Debby Reaves

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38

I marvel at Mary, the mother of Jesus. In Luke 1:38, Mary knows who she is and declares it. And it is only because she is willing to acknowledge herself as the servant of the Lord that she is able to make the following statement: "May it be to me as you have said." Mary's response challenges me. Can I say that with the same confidence Mary had? Can you? Do we know who we are? Can we step out in this same kind of faith and boldly say, "Let it be, Lord?" Consider Mary's situation. She knew that she and Joseph (if he didn't reject her) would be the objects of others' gossip and condemnation. If he did reject her, she knew that an un-wed mother-to-be would most definitely face public humiliation as well as being stoned to death. No one would ever believe her conversation with the angel, or the possibility of her becoming impregnated with the Son of God while remaining a virgin. She would lose favor with her family and friends. And, how could she ever convince Joseph of the truth of what had really occurred? Yet, without debating God and in blind faith, Mary was still willing to risk everything, including her life when she declared: "Let it be, Lord."

As we move towards the New Year, the Lord will approach us with His divine will for our lives. How will we respond? Will we first weigh the cost of what He desires of us before we can say, "Let it be, Lord?" Will we remember, as did Mary that we are here for one purpose and that is to be God's servants? Can we trust God with that same child-like faith? It is our hope that we will be prepared to respond to God's demands on our lives, for it is when we can say: "Let it be, Lord" that God will begin to do unimaginable things through us.

May your celebration of Christ's birth this year become even more meaningful to you as you consider the risks Mary was willing to take.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 17, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Most moral people avoid women like these:
Tamar: from all appearances a sexually promiscuous woman, condemned to death by her father-in-law
Rahab: better known as the prostitute
Bathsheba: David's paramour and partner in adultery
Ruth: a Gentile in a Jewish world
Mary: an unwed, pregnant teenager in a world that shunned such sinful women.

Normal women would avoid any contact with several of these girls and likely forbid their children from playing with their offspring. And for sure, wives would forbid their husbands from interacting with them.

But God chose these five messy women as a means to forever change the landscape of mankind. Five ordinary women transformed by God's mighty hand into five extraordinary women whose blood flows through the veins of our Messiah. Five women God used to shape Christmas and give hope to a despairing world. That hope and transformation extends to each child of God today. Is your heart in despair, broken by deep loss? Are you messy, suffering the consequences of your sin or the sins of others? Have people you love unfairly rejected or hurt you? Do you long to see God's amazing grace reflected through your acts of mercy ministry? The lives of these women will encourage, equip and energize you to experience and reflect redemption in ways you never dreamed possible.

In my own grief journey, I learned that God spoke to me through all kinds of messages, they didn't have to be focused on grief. In fact, the deep truths of scripture applied to my broken heart in ways I never expected, even though the word grief was never mentioned. The lives of these women demonstrate God's overcoming power to take our broken hearts and transform them into channels of His compassion, using our very sorrow to touch the lives of others with hope and help. You can hear these messages 24/7. I'm praying that as you listen, He will give you treasures in the darkness, treasures flowing from the deep truths of scripture, designed to help turn your heart toward Him. Click here to visit OnePlace and listen to the messages.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 15, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

About two weeks before Thanksgiving every year I begin to feel disorganized, disconnected and emotionally edgy. Responding to irritations without irritation is more difficult. Anger and impatience vie for top billing in situations that don't normally rattle me. And every year Chuck reminds me that my root problem is grief. I miss Mark. Over fifteen years after Mark's accident and the freight train of sorrow still surprises me with its ferocity and power.

It's not until I embrace the longing for what was that I'm able to experience joy in the sorrow. This year on December 4, I wrote in my journal:

I miss Mark. What else is there to say? I want my son. Do I trust You? Do I know You are sovereign, that You are good all the time? Yes. Yet living in the context of Your sovereign love does not change my longing for Mark. I want to see him, to touch him, to hug him, to ruffle his dark, curly hair, to watch his strong hands grasp his drum sticks and beat out the rhythms of Shine, Jesus, Shine, one more time. I want to see him interact with Heidi, Chuck and Dan as an adult. I want my son. To see his smile, his beautiful eyes framed by those incredibly long eyelashes. I miss him. What he was, what he would be. Oh God, yes, I know You are sovereign. I can trust You. You are good all the time. I know this. And I miss Mark and I long for what was. There. I said it. I want my child.

Grief is hard work. And fighting the natural longing for what was requires powerful energy. Sometimes the best weapon is to acknowledge your inability to break the ache in your soul for the one who is missing. And then armed with that truth, tackle the tasks of the day, sowing seed while weeping, believing that such obedience will one day reap joy.

Your Father welcomes your tears, your pounding on His chest, your admission of what feels like weak faith. But my friend, when you take your longings to Him, your "weak faith" is actually priceless faith, because it reveals your trust that He is sovereign and that He is the only One Who can bring any sense to this senseless moment.

So after I expressed what was obvious to my husband and those who love me, what happened? I remembered the pain of that first Christmas, where the shepherds watched over lambs being prepared for sacrifice, where a young virgin gave birth to a little boy in a stable after a long, arduous journey. Instead of her mother and trusted friends ministering to her and encouraging her through her labor pains, surrounded by dirty animals and all the smells that go with them. Instead of a clean cradle, a manger. Instead of familiar family members welcoming her baby, strange wise men and shepherds. And eventually, instead of a secure home, running for their lives with the screams of mothers as their boys were murdered by marauding soldiers echoing in their hearts.

And I thanked God that out of that first Christmas pain comes redemption. And out of my pain, comes hope and confidence that God is sovereign and I can trust Him, even with the longing for what was.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 13, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

How do you enfold a child into your family when their heart longs for the mom who isn't there? In this post, our daughter, Heidi, shares some of her experiences in raising our grandson, Cori. Cori is now in the Navy and every time we gather as a family, we miss his presence and look forward to his return. He's a strong, young man with a bright future, deeply missed by his brothers and sisters. Perhaps Heidi's hard-learned lessons will help you avoid some of the pitfalls of raising a child whose heart belongs to another.

Removing "Step" from "Child" as Christmas
By Heidi Nequist My experience as a step-mom has been an amazing roller coaster ride. There was so much I did wrong and so much I would change. Somehow, God's grace has covered a multitude of my mistakes. Cori was 18 months when I met my husband, Greg; so I have always been in Cori's life. Every Christmas and every other summer he would come to Delaware from the time he was three years old. "Dad" and "Heidi" went together. We hardly ever used the word "step". We were an instant family. We did the typical "shared custody" for several years. At the age of 11, he stopped visiting his mother altogether. That was when it got VERY interesting. I was no longer a "part time" Mom to Cori. I was IT. Cori even started to call me "Mom". I was battling a force much stronger than any I had ever experienced; the force of another mom, Cori's mom, in my home. The hardest times in Cori's life were the holidays. From about Halloween through Valentine's Day, Cori suffered in silence. It took us several years of changed behavior for us to figure out what the issue was. Cori missed his mom, and as hard as I tried, I didn't cut it. The tie from a child to his mother is like no other. The typical blended family rules didn't apply to us in that I wasn't "sharing" custody. But, I was definitely sharing. There were things I could have done to help Cori, and the rest of our family, through the holiday season. The sullen looks from Cori and the irritation I felt from his behavior could have been improved. People always say that Christmas is a time for children, but for a "step-child", these magical days are sometimes painful. Here are some things about Christmas with a "step-child" I wish I had learned early on. You can read Heidi's insights by visiting her blog at: http://www.heidinequist.blogspot.com/

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 12, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

In the months of years following our son, Mark's death, I clung to the promise of Isaiah 45:2-3, "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." I learned that what might seem insignificant to others was often a priceless treasure, designed by God just for me. The purpose of the treasure was not to take away my deep grief, but to remind me that my Father in heaven is the LORD, the God of Israel (MY God) and that He calls me by name. In these treasures I saw His omnipotence, His awesome otherness, so seemingly far removed from me as the Lord of Lords. And I also saw His intimate closeness to my heart, so close that in the billions of people on earth, this God of all gods, calls me by name. The treasures were often words written many years ago by writers long dead. Yet the words were a personal response to questions or comments I had just written in my journal. I KNEW that God was whispering my name, holding me close, letting me see His deep love for me. Sometimes the treasure would be a found priceless memory of Mark, like birthday letters he had written to his dad and me the year he died. And I could feel God's arms wrapped around me, whispering my name, reminding me that though I didn't understand why our son was gone that God knew my broken heart needed that touch from the One who is sovereign and calls me to trust Him. Bev shares such a story with us and as I read it, her experience took me back to those precious moments when God sent me specially designed treasures that reminded me He is my Lord, my God, the One Who calls me by name.

Sweet Treasures
By Beverly Lum

As I lay on my bed grieving the loss of my mother, my mind raced with the events of the last few hours. Haunted, I sobbed remorsefully great crocodile tears of shame and horror at my carelessness. My youngest daughter and I had just searched our house, looking for the most beloved treasure my mother had given me a couple of months before she died. We couldn't find it in any of my usual hiding places. In every closet, under every bed, in the attic among the Christmas decorations, mom's beloved Dresden from Germany was nowhere to be found. I thought I had placed it in a "safe place". I was plagued with the vision of myself dropping it from our porch into the empty garbage can and hearing the crunch of it breaking. I winced and shrugged at the awful noise, and I slammed the lid down on the garbage can and went inside. Had I really done such a thoughtless act? Was I so exhausted from the week that I would throw away the very precious gift that was my mother's favorite treasure? As a teen with many tasks in our home on Saturday, it fell to me to thoroughly and carefully, and with tender care, dust the Dresden. I was mesmerized by it's delicate beauty. Now, it was gone. I had accidentally thrown it away. I prayed for God's forgiveness, and I prayed mom would forgive me for unknowingly discarding the lovely set that held such sweet memories for her.

Sixteen months later, while searching for something in my linen closet, I found a gray box in a plastic bag and I saw the words "Dresden" on them. I held my breath and my heart raced as I cautiously brought out the box. Could it be? I carefully lifted the box top and yes! My mother's treasures rested right where I had carefully wrapped and stored them. I called my daughter, my partner in my search, shouting for joy to let her know that I had found the Dresden. Overcome with joy that God had led me to this priceless treasure, I carefully placed it in my china closet for visible safe keeping, sensing my mother's smile. I can't wait to use it this Christmas, so that when the children come, they can joyfully enjoy a piece of Mammaw's life with me.

God promises to give us treasure in the darkness, designed to help turn our hearts toward Him, to remind us that He is our God and calls us by name. This precious find accomplished all of that and more. As I went about my daily tasks, I couldn't stop smiling as this sweet treasure reminded me of His grace. I had given up hope of having this connection to my mother, concluding my own carelessness had robbed me of her gift. But through God's unexpected mercy He revealed that I hadn't been careless and could be trusted with such a treasure. So many life lessons swirled through my mind as I reveled in His love but mostly I thought of the beauty of God's unmerited favor in surprising me with the gift of His Son as my Savior 37 years ago. He made himself known to me and, undeserving, I reached out, to joyfully learn about this dear Jesus from heaven above who was born into this needy world, to save me from my ugly sins, to teach me about Himself and His Father, to have fellowship with me. And since receiving that priceless treasure, He has trusted me to share His message of redemption, forgiveness of sins for the vilest of sinners, and His hope to the broken-hearted.

Jesus~ My Savior, Deliverer, Comforter, Healer, and Friend. The most precious treasure of all.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 10, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Sowing Seeds with Tears

"Sharon, at some point you will tire of this pain and decide you can't bear it any longer. When that happens, you will be faced with a choice. Will you choose life or bitterly choose to never surrender to God's purposes in Mark's death?" My friend had earned the right to make such a challenging statement and ask this question. Her gentle voice did not condemn me but rather consoled me with the hope that I would have a choice about how to respond to what seemed unbearable sorrow.

I often felt like a dead man walking as I accepted the challenge of Psalm 126:5-6: "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

In those words I heard a promise of joy but also a challenge that required great strength. I concluded that the writer was exhorting me to face my daily tasks with determination to fulfill my responsibilities as best I could, even if tears streamed down my face, even if my emotions screamed out for me to hide in my room, to refuse to face the needs of those around me.

I chose to see each daily, mundane task as a seed to be planted, trusting that no matter how many tears accompanied my obedience that eventually I would see some kind of fruit, experience some kind of joy, and laugh once again.

Last summer I posted the blog Choosing Life When It's Dark Inside and described some of the songs of joy that are growing from the seeds sown in tears.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

As you live through each day of this Christmas season, choose to sow seeds that will one day reap a harvest of joy. Each tiny act of mercy or performing daily, mundane tasks will take you closer to experiencing the fruit of God's purposes.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 8, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Beating the Christmas Cinderella Syndrome

Before the school supplies have been broken out of their packages, manufacturers start pumping the airwaves with propaganda about the perfect toy, the perfect diamond ring to prove your love and the perfect food for the perfect, warm fuzzy family celebrations!

Our minds race with too many decisions: What to get for the person who has everything (probably almost everyone on your list), where to get the money for those perfect gifts. What to wear, how to lose that extra ten pounds so you can get into last year's dress, if you can handle the anxiety of wearing last year's dress! Talk about STRESS! Someone has defined "anxiety" as the inability to cope with stress. Is anxiety the context in which you are living out a "holiday" that represents peace and stability to the Christian world? Are you experiencing the Cinderella Syndrome, wishing a Prince Charming would swoosh in and swish you away to a place where every one else does the cooking, cleaning, baking, buying, wrapping, and worrying?

If so, take a deep breath and consider incorporating some of these ideas into your every day life and beat the Christmas Cinderella Syndrome, one day at a time. CLICK HERE to continue reading.

Also, I encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 5, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

The first Christmas after Mark's death I wanted to run as far away from Christmas as I could. But I also knew that this was one of the most important Christmases in my life. Our first Christmas without Mark. Mark's first Christmas in heaven. Surely God had treasures for me in this most awful, terrible, yet precious time of the year.

Every November we air a special broadcast, Preparing for Christmas in the Midst of Grief, in which Chuck and I talk about how we faced that first grief-drenched season. We made some practical changes in our traditions and at the same time gave ourselves room and permission to grieve.

You can hear this interview by clicking here. You can order a copy of Preparing for Christmas in the Midst of Grief by clicking here.

If you order my book, Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart, we'll include this special interview as our Christmas gift to you.

I encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

May you experience God's sweet, gentle presence as you choose to believe that He is sovereign and you can trust Him.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 3, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief

Welcome to the Twelve Days of Christmas Grief Relief tips! It's our prayer and hope that these quick messages will help you break the ache in your soul, whether you are grieving for a loved one or attempting to encourage a grieving friend. After you read this post, I heartily recommend that you visit www.Griefshare.org . There you will find more tips on facing the holidays in this "season of grief." You will also have the opportunity to sign up for a daily devotional titled Season of Grief. By signing up, you will find a devotional in your email box every morning. This is an invaluable resource that offers bite-sized treasures of encouragement designed to help turn your heart toward our Savior. What better time to start receiving these treasures than this time of year? And now, we pray that this treasure of encouragement will also help turn your heart toward our Lord.

The Spirit of Christmas Presence
Adapted from Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart

In the Bleak Midwinter

Midnight Principle: The Christmas story itself can give strength through the holiday season.

Holidays sharpen grief. Celebrating such a treasured family holiday was on our minds even on that terrible July night when we lost our sixteen-year-old son, Mark and his friend in a horrific car accident. On our way home from the hospital, Chuck grabbed my hand and barely whispered, "Christmas, how can we ever celebrate Christmas?"

I had no answer...

Christmas had always been my favorite time of year. We didn't buy many toys for our children throughout the year; that was reserved for Christmas. What great fun we always had, planning and preparing, watching for sales, loving the adrenalin of the chase and the victory of finding just the right gift at just the right price. When Mark and Daniel had wanted the most popular toy, we had done everything we could to find it. We had perpetuated our childhood family traditions; family and friends always joined us for a Christmas Eve buffet and then attended the church communion service. I always loved the candlelight service, the music, the family feeling, the preaching, the security of old family traditions. Afterward our immediate family had gathered at our home for the kids to exchange gifts and enjoy the euphoria of Christmas.

On the night of Mark's death, I concluded I would never experience such joy again... READ MORE

Posted At : November 18, 2008 6:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

In response to a blog I wrote on Overwhelmed Young Moms, Wendy asked, "What if those overwhelming days seem to be blending into each other? I know my children are my ministry, but I really don't feel up to the job. I keep praying, but I must not be hearing God's response. He allowed me to be in this place at this time so why do I feel I can't do this?" Wendy is expressing what many mothers experience every day and I promised her I would post a response to her plea for help. Here are some of my thoughts based on my own parenting years:

1. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Recognize that you will have bad days mixed in with good moments. After our son's kindergarten teacher saw how discouraged I was with our son's classroom behavior, she touched my shoulder, smiled and said, "This, too, shall pass!" I realized that this "bad behavior" was normal and part of my job was to help him change. And that wouldn't happen overnight.
   
   
2. Marathon runners look forward to the cups of water offered from the sidelines. Mommies need to look for and accept cups of cold water that refresh just enough to get her through the next leg of the race. God offers us the Living Water through a personal relationship to Jesus. We find that refreshing, life-giving water in His Word. (See my article, Ancient Paths to Rest in the Feature Article Section of this website.) Before you immediately respond that an overwhelmed young mom doesn't have time to comb her hair let alone spend time in the Word, listen carefully. We do what's important to us. If we view time in the Word as critical to our sanity, we'll find time to make it happen. But here's the caution. There is no recipe or one way to cultivate intimacy with Christ. Don't pile guilt on if you can't spend an hour a day in the scriptures! As a young mom, I kept a Christian radio station on in our home and our car. Praise music was always in the background and once in a while I heard a clip of a speaker or interview that was just the right encouragement for the moment. Write out key scriptures and post them strategically around your home, at the kitchen sink, in the laundry room, on the bathroom mirror. Pray for your children before you get out of bed. Take ten minutes before your kiddies get up and read a quick devotional designed for young moms (anyone have a suggestion) or from the classics My Utmost for His Highest or Streams in the Dessert. Plan periodic times where you can spend more time in the Word, perhaps once a month or once a week. Don't miss the joy because of self-imposed guilt caused by your inability to have morning devotions every day.
   
   
3. Look for a Titus 2 woman to be your cheerleader and help mother you. The Apostle Paul taught the young Pastor Titus to teach older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands and their children, among other things. Attend a women's Bible study and look for a prayer warrior who will pray for you and your children. If you can't find a woman like this, read books (yes, take time to read) by women you admire. As a young mom some of my mentors were women I never met, some who were no longer living on this earth. Susannah Wesley was one of them!
   
   
4. And don't overlook the role a single woman can have in your life. Some of the best helpers with our children were young single women who loved children and they made my life richer by their insights and longing for intimacy with Christ.
   
   
5. Make your relationship to Jesus obvious to your children by the way you pray with them throughout the day, perhaps praying for the person in the rushing ambulance or the family next door or for daddy at work. Talk to Jesus as though He is right there, because He is.
   
   

How about it, girls? How would you answer Wendy's plea for tips on building confidence as a mommy?

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 17, 2008 1:10 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Sixty percent of marriages are impacted by adultery. Those who have never experienced this temptation or fallen into this sin wonder why I regularly mention it in my blog. Because I've held broken women in my arms who wonder if they can ever trust any man again, let alone their husband and I know the damage doesn't stop with their hearts. The children never "get over it.." It's been called the last hidden sin of the church. Think of it, girls. IF the 60% statistic is correct, that means 60% of women in our church pews have been betrayed by their husbands OR they are betraying or have betrayed their husbands with adultery. As long as I have breath I will urge women to guard their marriages, to recognize that God created marriage to show a broken world what His family looks like and how the love of a husband and wife is reflective of the love of Christ for His church. Marriage is hard work and the culture does not and will not encourage you to do that work. My goal is to regularly mentioned this topic to urge women to take responsibility for themselves and to guard their hearts from this temptation.

But don't take it from me. We will soon launch our new Learning to See When the Lights Go Out interview titled, Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption where you will hear from several people impacted by adultery. Some who have already heard it say it is one of the most profound resources we have developed. In the meantime, read this woman's testimony and her practical counsel on how to guard your heart against the temptation of adultery.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 17, 2008 9:43 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Chuck and I joined the autumn ritual of cheering on our grandchildren as they ran up and down the soccer fields, each one displaying their unique personalities in the way they chased the soccer ball and interacted with team mates. Our son-in-law coached from the sidelines with these words to his five year old twins, "This is the one place you don't have to share! You get to keep the ball all to yourself. If someone tries to take it away from you, don't stand back and say, 'ok, you can have it!'" How do you teach sweet little ones that they must be selfish on the field?

Inner conflicting emotions vied for first place when I saw eight year old Benjamin in his soccer attire, run out onto the field. Benjamin closely resembles Mark and his job as goalie reminded me of Mark's goal tending career. Cheering on the outside, I privately pulled up the family videos archived in my heart. I smiled at the scenes of our little guys running the beehive play (the one where every child on the field hovers around the soccer ball), Chuck and me yelling encouragement from the sidelines and I quickly moved on to vignettes of Mark's growing sports prowess.

Mark was good at every sport he tried but sometimes his mind played tricks on his natural ability. His Little League coaches depended on his big bat for homeruns based on the first few games of hitting homeruns. Then something inside would freeze his confidence and strike outs reigned. As an athlete himself, Chuck knew the only thing standing between his son and good solid hits was a mental block. I can see Chuck standing behind the backstop at home plate. He quietly talked Mark through each time at bat, giving calm step by step reminders of how to do what Mark already knew how to do. I held my breath with each swing and cheered wildly when Mark got on base or hit a homerun. Mark was known in his soccer league as a great goalie. He had what his team mates called a big foot! He could kick a soccer ball half way down the field and he was only twelve. So when he took up flag football, his coach assigned him the position of kicker. Everyone anticipated winning the season because of Mark's extraordinary ability to kick the ball accurately and far. Much to everyone's dismay, Mark froze up toward the end of the season. The pressure to perform was too much and once again, a mental block stood between him and victory. At Mark's request, Chuck coached him every evening in the backyard, examining his performance and then patiently counting out his steps, "Left, right, left, Kick!" Every time Mark listened, the ball soared and a big grin turned his anxious face into one of relief and hope.

The football season ended with championship games preceded by a kicking contest. Mark' Big Foot made him the natural choice to represent his team. As we stood on the sidelines, Mark's face revealed his fear and we watched his body freeze. What to do? We knew he could not kick the ball successfully without his dad's help. But we didn't want to embarrass him by calling out the necessary encouragement he needed. Mark practiced a few runs toward the ball, each time stopping short. He glanced our way but in his typical reticent manner, he did not ask for help. How could a 12-year-old boy embarrass himself by asking Daddy for help?

Mark's first two attempts in the contest were disappointing. His teammates and coaches held their breath as Mark set up for his third run at the ball. I prayed, "Lord, please, Energize that Big Foot!" I didn't care if he won, I just wanted him to do what he was able. Without looking at his father, Mark quietly asked, "Dad,count for me." Without a second's hesitation Chuck called out the count-down, "Left foot, right foot, left foot, KICK!" keeping time with Mark's run toward the ball. Boom, the football soared into the air. Marks' face broke into a thousand little smiles and the fans yelled as his teammates rushed toward our son, knowing he had just won the kicking contest.

Sometimes we need a little help from our Daddy but He knows it's best to wait until we know our need and we're ready to receive assistance. That morning Mark taught me the value of humility, of admitting my need to the One Who is always ready to count for me, to whisper step by step instructions in my ear and to cheer me on to victory that is sure to come when I listen to Him. I'm so glad Mark asked his daddy to count for him.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 3, 2008 8:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: God's Love

I fingered the silky softness of the beautiful blanket and wondered what magical fabric could hold up to the marketing claim that babies wrapped in this blankie felt as though they were back in the security of the womb. We had just learned about the coming birth of a new grandchild so I plunked down more money than I ever expected to pay for a baby blanket, pretty sure the manufacturer's claim was bogus but willing to take the risk that our coming grandbaby would crown this as her favorite possession.

Seven years later, I have to accept responsibility for putting a security blanket addiction into the hearts of six of our precious grandchildren. One of these blankets is on its way to an orphanage in India with hopes that this piece of cloth will help communicate comfort and security to our soon to be adopted granddaughter Siddhi.[Note: To view the Siddhi link contents you must be logged into Facebook.]

Perhaps the most vivid picture of the comfort power of these blankets is the attachment of our 3 year old grandson to his original dark blue airplane blankie. I recently observed an unhappy Caleb grab his filthy, smelly companion. He slowly slipped its edge through his fingers until he found a tiny piece of silk to caress with his fingertips. His countenance relaxed and all was well with his world once more. To any normal observer, Caleb's bloodied and shredded source of comfort is disgusting and belongs in the trash. There is little left of the original silk. His mommy is fearful that it will disintegrate with any more washings. Its original beauty is long gone and there is nothing attractive about it. Anyone who sees it will reject it as having any worth and will recoil at the thought of touching it. Anyone but Caleb, that is. A new blanket: $55. Snuggling with the tried and true blue airplane blankie, priceless.

Caleb's bloodied, ugly, and disgusting blankie reminds me of Isaiah's description of Messiah. Isaiah describes Jesus' physical description as unattractive and repulsive. Yet like Caleb's addiction to his ugly blankie, those who know Jesus intimately hunger for His touch and long for the security of His love. Caleb's attachment is rooted in his experience, not in its appearance.

Those who love Jesus do so for many reasons but mainly because His touch heals the hurts, calms the restless heart and presses peace into our troubled souls. The more He travels with us, the more bloodied He becomes with our spiritual "nosebleeds." But it seems those patches of reality make Him all the more attractive to us.

Those who do not know the love of Jesus do not understand the soul addiction of those who do. When a bully grabs our favorite toy, taunts us with the unfairness of life, when relationships break, a dream fails, a job is lost, a husband walks out, a child refuses to listen, even when restful quiet eludes us in the chaos of every day life those who have been wrapped up in the bloodied salvation of God's Son are desperate for the comfort and peace that the presence and promise of Jesus brings. Our longing for His touch appears foolish to those who don't know Him. They are mystified by the "ahhhh...." that slips from our lips when the strength of His Word relaxes our tense spiritual muscles.

When I told Caleb's mommy that these blankets are no longer being produced she said she didn't think he would accept a replacement for his tried and true lifelong companion, no matter how shiny and clean it might be. Someday Caleb won't have room in his hands for his special blankie. Baseball bats, basketballs, pencils, and books will replace the silky softness of his special source of comfort and familiarity. So every day his mommy and daddy and those who love Caleb teach him about Jesus' love and how he can trust Him with his hurts and joys and need for security and comfort. How about you? What's your security blankie look like?

May you experience God's special presence as you offer others the treasures of His encouragement.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 1, 2008 8:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

The woman sitting across the table from me glowed. Her eyes sparkled and her smile lit up her face. Though her story was one of terrible pain inflicted on her children and her by her ex spouse, the only time she wept was when she spoke of grace and God's mercy toward her. I was moved to my own tears when instead of condemning her unfaithful husband, she pointed out her own sinful nature and that she is grateful that God protected her from committing the sin of adultery because she knows she is capable of such sin.

Sue and I were taping an interview for our new Learning to See When the Lights Go Out resource, Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption CD. About twelve years ago Sue's pastor husband left her after committing adultery with a woman in their local church and then committing adultery again. Suddenly Sue was a single woman tasked with raising four children by herself. Today her four adult children love Jesus and serve Him with strength and courage. In this interview Sue shares some of the poignant moments of how God met her in the darkness and gave her the courage to take a step at a time in rebuilding her life and caring for her family. She describes how her local church became the family her children needed and how those relationships carry them even today. Perhaps the most profound truth she shared, at least most profound for me, was the scripture that she chose as the grid through which to view her journey and how to respond to her unfaithful husband.

Perhaps you are in the middle of a rancorous divorce or terrible marriage and you don't know how to get back to a place of peace. Soak in this scripture and ask God to apply its truth to your circumstances as Sue and her children learned to do. It won't be easy. In fact, I think it's impossible without the supernatural grace of God. But then, if God commands, He also equips. So before you say you can't, prayerfully ask Him to give you strength to obey this command:

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their sense and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. 2 Timothy 3:22-26

To obey this command requires an intimate knowledge of the mercy of God in our own hearts. Knowing our own hearts' capability for sin and the fact that God's mercy covers that sin will soften our hearts toward those who we want to hurt or take revenge on because of the pain they have caused. It will relieve the need to win the argument, to prove our point, to hurt the other person because they have so deeply hurt us.

How convicted I am as a result of Sue sharing this part of her story with me.

I can't wait to share it in full with you when the CD interview is ready. Subscribe to this blog and you'll be one of the first ones to know when it's available. (Update: It's available! Free download or free CD - cleck the link below.)

May you experience God's sweet presence as you share His treasures of encouragement with others.

In His grip,
Sharon

Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption - Free download or free CD

Posted At : September 29, 2008 11:39 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Economy

The United States is in an economic crisis, the likes of which most people alive have never seen, according to many economic experts. Most of us are not surprised because we hear the silent cries of our stretched dollars every time we go to the grocery store. Chuck is probably tired of hearing me say it but I know every woman struggling to feed her family knows the truth of these words, "I don't know how the girls are feeding their families when I see the rising cost of food. $9.99 for a pound of sliced deli meat (which I absolutely will not pay!) , $4.00 for a gallon of milk, $2 - $3 for a loaf of bread....how are they doing it?"

Déjà-Vu. I well remember the same feeling during a conversation with an older woman over thirty-five years ago. We lived on a poverty-level income and I was using every trick possible to stay within our food budget. She prophesied that eggs (29 cents a dozen) would one day cost over $1.00 a dozen; a loaf of bread (19 cents) would cost over a $1.00; bacon would cost over a $1.00 a pound. Her words struck fear in my heart. How would we survive? And then the oil crisis. Filling up the car because an adventure as Chuck looked for a gas station that had gas and then waited in line for hours to buy the gas. The older generation at that time reminded us that this economic crisis was nothing compared to the Great Depression.

Chuck and I were committed to me being a stay at home mom so the option of me taking on a job was not on the table. That was when a friend introduced me to the Virtuous Woman of Proverbs 31. Rather than being depressed by her excellence, I knew I had found a role model, a woman from ancient times who was calling out to me to trust God in the middle of this economic panic. I studied each verse and found priceless truths that shaped my heart and our home.

This period in our country's history reminds me of that long ago season of our lives. And though it was difficult, some of our best memories are rooted in that era. We saw God provide miraculously again and again. I'll be sharing some of those stories in the weeks to come. We made financial mistakes. Like buying a very big luxury used car that we didn't need in the middle of the gas crisis. We didn't look under the hood until we got it home. And there was an engine that promised to waste gasoline every time we turned on the ignition. What can I say? We were from the sixties era where the most popular songs described a guy's love affair with his automobile! We used a credit card to buy furniture. Yes, it was the Sears special that included a sofa, love seat, chair, coffee table, end tables and lamps. What a deal! But we went into debt to do it.

In the midst of these silly mistakes, I started learning ways I could contribute to our family income without taking on a job outside our home. Yes, girls, I clipped coupons as I watched television with my husband. I studied the Sunday grocery store ads, and mapped out a weekly food shopping trip that included stops at several grocery stores, picking up their specials. I learned that grocery store specials usually coincided with manufacturer's coupons so my savings increased. I planned a month's worth of meals around the grocery store special offers. If ground beef was on sale, I stocked up and we ate every form of ground beef I could whip up. Ask our kids about the sweet and sour meatballs or the ham casseroles (made with Spam). Trust me, these foods don't conjure up warm, happy times around the dinner table for our kids! But if they were hungry, that's what they ate.

What are you doing to make your dollars stretch in these uncertain times? And more importantly, where are you going to soothe the panic you are feeling over the economic crisis? During the most difficult times in those early years, I would enter the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes and pray that God would make us winners, promising we would use the left over money after all bills were paid, to build His kingdom! That gave me hope for about two minutes! Where are you placing y our hope and how are you teaching your children life principles through these circumstances?

I pray you experience God's special presence and peace as He directs your steps through this minefield of opportunities to trust Him.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : September 26, 2008 8:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption. Why would anyone agree to participate in an interview on that topic? Because of their worldview. They believe that every circumstance and gift in their lives is a sacrifice of praise to give back to God for Him to use whatever way He desires to help His children grow in grace. A few days ago I interviewed such a woman, Sue Jakes. Sue is a trophy of God's grace, a woman who has experienced what has been called the worst pain a human being can inflict on another human being: the betrayal of adultery. MARKINC Ministries is producing this CD resource as part of our Learning to See When the Lights Go Out

Over the next week I'll share some of my thoughts about Sue's story and some key points that I hope will encourage women who have suffered this betrayal. I was deeply saddened to learn that 60% of married couples will be impacted by the anguish of this great sorrow. It is one of the last secret sins that the church finds difficult to address. In fact, when Chuck preached a series of sermons titled Anatomy of Adultery, several people left our church, saying they didn't want to hear such stuff from the pulpit. If the stats are true, 60% of those sitting in the pews of our churches have heard such stuff in their own homes. If this is the worst pain one human being can inflict on another, then surely couples should do everything they can to protect themselves from this betrayal. Chuck confronted the sin and then taught from scripture how to fight the temptation of infidelity. Every couple should listen and apply these messages.

Sue shared some of the nuggets her counselor told her that helped her regain her confidence and courage to build a life that reflects Christ in every way. She agreed that adultery is the worst pain because it is rejection by the one person who has promised to love, honor and protect you. If this person rejects you in such a profound way, how can you ever trust another human being? A core truth that helped Sue regain her stability was that her husband did not leave her for another woman. He left her for himself. Let me repeat that. If your husband has committed adultery, he did not leave you for another woman. He left you for himself. He chose his own pleasure and selfish desires as primary, more important than the life of any other person.

Adultery is an addiction to self-pleasure. That's why an adulterer who is repentant must give up all contact with the other person. It's like a drug-addict coming off of drugs. That drug-addict must commit to never using another drug. The alcohol addicted person must commit to never taking another alcoholic drink; the addicted smoker must commit to never putting another cigarette between their lips. An adulterer must commit to absolutely no contact with the co-adulterer. Even a little contact will make it impossible for the adulterer to repent.

Those of you who have never experienced adultery may think I am being hard hearted, unreasonable, and unrealistic. God's Word is just as hard. Read Proverbs 5, 6, and 7. Hear the father pleading with his son to stay away from the wayward woman and to turn toward the wife of his youth. This father is explicit in the downward spiral of adultery. The end is death.

Like most women who feel the sorrow of adultery, Sue tried to identify what she did to cause her husband to turn to another woman. What could she do differently to keep him now? Her wise counselor responded, "There are many women who are terrible wives and their husbands don't commit adultery. There are many women who are almost perfect wives and their husbands commit adultery. His sin is his sin."

In my next post I will share the scripture that Sue and her family chose as their core truth, the grid through which they viewed this journey and guided them in their responses to the painful circumstances.

May you experience God's sweet presence as you choose to live life through the grid that God is sovereign and you can trust Him.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : August 28, 2008 2:22 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grandparenting,Legacy

"You girls are doing a lot of giggling in here!" Ten year old granddaughter, Katie and I looked at each other and giggled some more at Chuck's words. Scrapbooking supplies, pictures and albums covered the dining room table. We were almost finished sorting, cutting and pasting pictures and reminiscing about Cousins Camp. For the past five years Chuck and I have given our kids and their kids a week at the beach. The first year we took five of the grandkids to the beach house by ourselves. The parents were to follow mid-week. We dubbed it Cousins Camp. I was clear with the moms that I wanted the kids by myself for a few days. Yet, when they called after the first twenty-four hours and said they were coming a day early but that I would still be in charge of the kids, every grandmother reading this knows how happy I was to hear those words! More on that another time.

For the past two years at Cousins Camp the girls spent most of the week writing a play script and accompanying songs for their annual performance. Laughter bubbled over as Katie and I remembered the grand finale when seven-year-old Prince Benjamin kissed seven-year-old princess Mollie. Katie exclaimed, "I think we bribed Benjamin!"

Katie asked me why I wanted her to come over by herself because usually if I have one grandchild, I invite the rest of them to visit so they can have time together. I decided to tell Katie the truth. "We haven't had much time together this summer and you're growing up so fast. I don't want you to run by me. I miss you!"

"I missed you, too, Grammy."

Other grandmothers have told me that as their grandchildren got older, it was harder to connect with them. The special relationships they enjoyed when the children were more dependent often unraveled as the kids experienced more of life through school, sports and social activities.

I'll never forget listening to several grandmothers in Florida (I was eavesdropping while sitting at a pool) describe their dread of their teenage grandchildren coming to visit. According to these older women, the kids were disrespectful, ungrateful and lazy. They were users, only interested in visiting grandparents because it meant a trip to Florida. They never communicated with their grandparents otherwise. They were glad that because they lived so far away, they didn't have to attend all the sports and school activities, concerts, performances.

I know that the rejection of family and all authority is not always the fault of the adults. Kids are responsible for their choices. I had several grandchildren when I heard this conversation. I knew I did not want to be like these women when I grew up

I compare this pool-side conversation to the comments of a fellow grandmother as we talked about staying connected to teenage grandchildren. She described the difficulty of keeping up the intimacy when the kids' lives are so busy. Then she said, "So, I try to think of ways to spend time with my grandkids that appeal to where they are. I just had lunch with my granddaughter and the way I got her to meet me was to treat her to a pedicure." Instead of seeing this gift as a bribe, this wise grandmother knows she is investing in a lifelong friendship.

My worldview demands a different pathway than the poolside grandmoms had chosen. And though mine requires thinking, planning and some sacrifice, the rewards are priceless. Just this morning as I considered the many tasks waiting for me and then anticipated Katie's visit and prayed for our time together, I read, "Future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn, for he has done it." I knew that God was reminding me that the most important and precious "task" for that day was my time with Katie. Katie might think we were just scrapbooking. But some day she will understand that the special moments with Grammy helped lock into her heart the power of family and legacy. She doesn't understand now that the gift of Cousins Camp, a week at the beach with the entire family, is not given just because we all love the beach. She doesn't know that because of these special family times, one day Katie and all the cousins will make sure that they plan extended family gatherings for their children, our great grandchildren, those yet unborn, because they cherish the memories of Cousins Camp, Sunday spaghetti dinners and sleepovers at Grammy and Grand Dad's, shopping trips, baking Syrian bread, making grape leaves, setting the table for holidays, picking tomatoes, snuggling as many cousins as possible on Grammy's lap for a story or watching a movie. Someday they might realize that while they were spending time with Grammy and Grand Dad, God was helping shape their worldview and planting seeds of wisdom that fell from the fruit of Grammy and Grand Dad's life journey into their hearts. And slowly but surely they will realize that the underlying purpose for all of these special times was to create a safe place for our treasured grandchildren to see Jesus and experience Jesus.

Do you have a grandparent story? Tell us.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : August 9, 2008 9:51 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

Faithful friends with servant's hands not only encouraged me to keep moving but came alongside to help me do so. One special friend called every week to decide what project we would work on to get our house ready for our daughter's December wedding. She came alongside to help make decisions, paint, paper, redecorate. One day she organized a group of about ten people who did a summer's worth of yard work while others painted kitchen cabinets. They looked around, saw what needed to be done, and did it. They understood that we had no idea of what our needs were. They didn't say, "Call me if you need me." Most bereaved people will not respond to that message. It isn't that we aren't grateful. It's just that we are on emotional overload. Every bit of energy is being used for survival.

Friends stayed with us through the night of the accident and the days following. They prayed and wept with us, kept the coffee going, and made sure there was food in the house, plenty of paper goods, tissues in every room, and cold wet cloths for our faces. They kept lists of gifts, phone calls, and messages. They ironed shirts, put away clean clothes, took out the trash, watered and ran the dogs and watered the flower beds. All without asking what we needed them to do.

Others realized that we needed to be in charge of details concerning Mark, and they brought those decisions to us rather than making them for us.

Some people prefer privacy in their grief, but for us the constant flow of friends to our home satisfied our need for a physical expression of God's love. We needed to see their tears, feel their hugs, see the agony in their faces. Beautiful flowers and plants reminded us of the beauty of our son - now serving God in heaven. Parents who had lost children stepped back into their own pain to give us hope. Friends helped clean Mark's room and were with me when I found his prayer journal, further affirmation of his walk with Christ.

Galatians tells us to bear one another's burden so that we can bear our own burdens. IN the first few months of our grief, the body of Christ swept us up and carried us along. We were powerless to carry ourselves. Now as a result of their encouragement and strength, we are able to bear our own burdens.

After Mark's death, I questioned the sufficiency of God to help us survive. But God, in His grace, provided members of His body who believed in His sufficiency for us when we could not believe it for ourselves.

Grief is terrifying both to those experiencing it and those who have to watch it happen. We want to make it go away, but the Bible tells us there is a time to grieve. It is a natural process that leads to healing and wholeness.

Wise encouragers know they are there to facilitate the process, not stop it. For people who are problem solvers, this is a hard assignment. An understanding of God's sovereignty equips us for this job. Although circumstances do not make sense, God does, and He will supply whatever His children need.

From Treasures of Encouragement,Women Helping Women in the Church, pages 193 - 194.

What's your encouragement story?

May God give you a deepening sense of His presence as you offer His treasures of encouragement to others.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : August 9, 2008 9:24 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

When you're trying to encourage a hurting friend:

A sensitive heart will say...
~I love you.
~I'm so sorry this has happened.
~Nothing. (But give lots of hugs and shed lots of tears.)
~I'll be in touch (and follows through).
~I'm praying (and does).

A sensitive heart will...
~Listen.
~Allow her friend to express all emotions and not interject judgmental comments, especially in the beginning.
~Read books that teach her how to help.
~Keep visits short, unless the hurting friend insists she stay longer.
~Discern when her friend needs to be alone, but not allow her to isolate herself completely.
~Assure her friend that she is not crazy, just brokenhearted.
~Offer to find more help when she senses her friend is sinking.
~Acknowledge the pain.
~Give permission to talk about the loss.
~Stay in touch for the long haul with cards, phone calls, and special remembrances on anniversaries, birthdays, special holidays.
~Ask the Holy Spirit for specific Scripture to share at the right moment and trust God to use them as a healing balm.
~Offer to do menial tasks (but never disturb the possessions of a deceased person without permission - i.e. do not clean out his or her room, change the bed, etc.).
~Recognize that grief is a long process.
~Tolerate volatile outbursts and intense emotions.
~Not expect or demand thanks.
~Pray, pray, pray every time she thinks of her friend.

From Treasures of Encouragement, pages 191 - 192:

What's your encouragement story?

Next: More practical ways to offer encouragement to a hurting friend. Until then, may God give you a deep sense of His sweet presence as you offer to your hurting friends the treasures of His encouragement.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : August 6, 2008 10:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

I just learned of a horrific accident that took the life of a ten year old boy. His mother and sister are injured but will survive. This family desperately needs their friends and family to surround them with the hope and courage that only faith in Christ can give. I don't know this family but I can guarantee that their friends and family are feeling completely helpless to offer that hope and help this morning.

In every Q & A session I have during a conference, someone describes an accident like this and then asks, "How can we help this family?" And vignettes from the hours after the death of our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, flash in my soul, one gut-wrenching picture after another.

But fast-forward far enough and I begin to see the treasures of encouragement that God sent through His people to help turn our hearts toward Him. In my book, Treasures of Encouragement, I list things to not say and do as well as what to say and do. Below are things NOT to say and do. In my next post I'll list things TO say and do. If you don't need this list now, you will, so feel free to copy it and tuck it away for future ministry. Better yet, get a copy of Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church and learn how thinking biblically prepares you to encourage others to trust God in the darkness.

From Treasures of Encouragement, pages 191 - 192:

A sensitive heart does not say:
~I understand.
~Call me if you need me.
~You can have more children, get married again, fill your life with other things, etc.
~I don't know what to do. (And then prove it by doing nothing.)
~God needed him more than you.
~God must really love you to put you through this.
~You have to get on with your life.
~Don't cry.
~Be strong!

A sensitive heart does not...
~Try to be always cheerful.
~Try to explain why.
~Think her grieving friend is crazy.
~Compare losses.

What's your encouragement story?

Next: What a sensitive heart will say and do.

Until then, may you experience God's special presence as you offer your friend the treasures of His encouragement.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 27, 2008 10:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement,Suicide

I was recently asked for resources designed to offer help and hope to a family where one of the children had committed suicide. Extreme helplessness often drives a question like this because there is no way to undo the horror of the child's action. This is how I responded. This grief is a deep anguish that only Christ can touch with hope and help. Our son did not commit suicide, but the principles of encouragement are universal when reaching out to a grieving family. Though we cannot fully understand what another person is experiencing under any conditions, you can be better equipped to offer help and hope if you try to understand their journey. Read books on grief and how to encourage a grieving family. Accept that you cannot fix their broken hearts. Your task is to be a channel of God's compassion that helps turn their hearts toward Him.

These are some resources we offer through MARKINC Ministries that will help you better understand the deep sorrow as well as equip you to offer help and hope to this dear family:

Treasures of Encouragement: In this book I share how the ministry of encouragement is God's way of keeping many of His promises to His children. In Chapter 11 I list specific ways people encouraged us in our own journey of grief. There are basic encouragement principles that apply to all situations, even a family suffering the horror of the suicide of their child.

Loss of a Loved One: This is a one hour interview with my husband and me. We describe our own grief journey and our struggle to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. This CD is from our signature resource: Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD series.

Treasures in Darkness: A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart - In this book I share my own wrestling match with God. Though our son did not commit suicide, I had to learn how to trust God in the darkness. Friends who gave me freedom to grieve honestly were priceless.

You can order these resources from www.markinc.org and clicking on the Inspirational Store icon at the top of the page or by clicking here.

You will have more freedom and confidence in God's strength as you reach out to these families if you remember, you cannot fix them. Your task is to offer help and hope through the love of Christ, to understand that they have to go through the anguish of grief, that it's a long, arduous journey and you cannot make it shorter. Your task is to reflect Christ in a way that helps turn their hearts toward Him.

When God calls us to such a task, He equips us. Praying you will experience His strength as you respond in obedience to His call.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 18, 2008 6:03 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Stay at Home Moms,Depression

"I'm so overwhelmed!" In the past week I've heard this statement from three different young moms. Their frustrated cries reminded me of a particular catch up day that ended with a similar cry and real tears, "I give up!"

That morning so many years ago I realized I was slowly sliding into depression over the undone tasks and the dirty laundry that had piled up while I cared for a sick child and responded to urgent ministry needs. I had read that stay at home moms struggled with depression because they had to do the same tasks over and over again. Laundry, meals, dusting, vacuuming. No matter how many times we do these jobs, we know we will have to do them again and again and again. After identifying a cause for my blue moods, I developed a plan for those moments of feeling overwhelmed. I made a list of tasks I could finish that day that would not have to be redone the next. I know, I was fooling myself because two days later I would have to redo them! But the 24 hours of relief was worth the deception to my brain! Each time I checked off a completed job, my spirits lifted a little more.

At the top of my to do list that particular day was the laundry. My goal was to not only wash, dry and fold the clothes but to put them all away before the dinner. My day was humming along, the house was filled with the good scent of a roast in the crock pot. I had finished the vacuuming and dusting, made phone calls to women's Bible study leaders and finished preparing my Bible study lecture for the next day. The check marks on my to do list were growing! I thought about how God told Cain that if he would do what was right, his countenance would rise. My countenance rose with every finished task! This plan worked!

The dryer buzzer went off and I smiled as I realized I was almost finished. Fold this load and put the last load in the dryer. Then I could rest while the last load dried. Then I would carry the three baskets of clean laundry upstairs to put away. I smiled as I walked to the laundry room with a sense of taking back control of my life.

Oh no. And I don't have an exclamation point at the end of that sentence for a reason. Oh no. For reasons I still don't remember (I think my mind went blank) the washer had overflowed. Water on the floor, not just on the floor, but deep enough for the folded, clean clothes in the baskets to act as sponges. Most of the clothes were wet.

Now what? I stood in the doorway, wanting to cry, get angry, blame someone! Of course, God reminded me of the Bible study I had just prepared and I knew this was a teaching moment, delivered to my anxious heart.

Just then, our kids arrived home from school.

Overwhelmed? You bet!

Are you feeling my pain? How have you responded to similar moments? How should I respond? How do you take control of your life? Any tips for dismantling that overwhelmed feeling?

Oops, I just remembered five things on my to do list that need my attention right now. I'll finish this entry later when I'm not so overwhelmed!

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 5, 2008 11:23 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Grief is war. I started to respond to some of the comments to my previous post and decided to make my remarks a blog entry. Thank you to Bev, Donna and Jeannie. When I wrote about choosing life in the darkness, I started to add a "disclaimer" because I don't want women who are struggling to walk by faith to feel less faithful because of any words I write. This choice to celebrate life comes through blood, sweat and tears and I am sometimes shocked by the supernatural strength God gives us to make such hard choices. For my sisters who are deep and fresh in grief, struggling to walk by faith in broken places, trying to offer encouragement to family and friends who have been thrown into the throes of sorrow, soak in 2 Peter 1:3 - 10. I camped in this passage in my own grief journey and just this morning God took me back to it because of the waves of sorrow that crash over me unexpectedly, especially at this time of year. On those days when I could barely get out of bed, God reminded me through this passage that He had given me everything I need to reflect redemption. And so, by faith and His strength, I put one foot on the floor, sometimes crawling, but still moving, and forced myself to trust that promise. He exhorts me to extend every effort to add to my faith specific character qualities. And then he exclaims that if I lack these qualities as a child of God, I am near-sighted, seeing only what is in front of me (death, disease, calamity, spilled milk, broken relationships, disobedient children, traffic jams, etc.) and I have become oblivious to the fact that I am a daughter of the King, cleansed from sin. Go back and re-read that sentence. When I struggle to trust Him and get stuck in sin, I see only the struggle in front of me, I forget whose I am and what my Father has done for me. So when I am stuck in my sorrow or sin and I wonder why it's so hard, Peter challenges me to remember the love of God that has cleansed me from sin and to remember who I am in Jesus. Again, a disclaimer, this is not easy. Sometimes it is minute by minute, no, second by second, choosing by faith to trust the precious promises Peter mentions in this passage. For those who are fresh in grief, don't beat yourself up over how hard this pathway is. It is like being in a meat grinder or having major surgery without anesthesia. Grief is a marathon of hard, hard labor. At first when I felt pushed into the abyss, I was terrified because I was afraid I would never climb back out. I learned that the hard periods grow shorter. Fifteen years later, I am surprised every "anniversary" when the tears won't stop. How can it be that I haven't talked to my youngest child in fifteen years? It's outrageous. Choosing life is harder on some days than others. Grief is war and the sacrifices of praise are often covered with blood, sweat and tears. Chuck often said that we were like two wounded soldiers trying to help each other crawl off the battle field. Wounded sisters, listen to this wounded veteran of the Grief War who walks with an obvious limp. Fight the despair and depression. Get up out of bed and move. Choose life and know that you are in His grip. He will never let you go.

In His grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : July 2, 2008 12:29 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Breast Cancer,Choosing Life

The sudden wave of tears refused to stop as I came out of my oncologist's office after a yearly check up. I had just finished getting an annual mammogram as well. Though I walked quickly, I noticed numerous patients with obvious signs of cancer treatment: the gentleman with a large patch on his face, clearly covering the place where his nose should have been; a daughter helping her unsteady elderly mother walk back to the examining room, a woman wearing a wig that hid the ravages of chemo-therapy. Depressing and all reasons for tears but these were not the reason for my emotions.

Twenty-one years ago this week I left the same oncologist, holding back tears. I left the office with the news that I faced major surgery and an unknown prognosis for aggressive breast cancer. Chuck and I were beginning a journey into the foreign land of cancer totally unprepared for the trip.

We didn't know the language that included frightening words like terminal, chemo-therapy, radiation, needles, monthly hospital stays, side affects, hair loss, nausea, vomiting, depression, mouth sores, and did I mention hair loss and needles?

The journey included four day hospital stays every month for six months, getting hooked up to IV bags of poison designed to kill the rogue cancer cells, poison that also engineered a week of extreme nausea and vomiting, total hair loss, weariness and increasingly wild emotions.

Twenty-one years later, cancer treatment is not as difficult. Medications treat extreme side affects, though they still haven't figured out how to save our hair!

My walk from my oncologist's office to my car is different today. Today I am CANCER FREE!

Today I reminded my oncologist of how grateful I am that God led me to him and that he was aggressive in using cutting edge treatment that killed the cancer in my body. When I told his assistant that I have been coming to see them for twenty-one years, her eyes filled with tears and she agreed that they should put my picture in their office as a symbol of hope for patients just beginning the journey. Vignettes of those first few years mingled with the flowing tears as I walked back to my car. This is a difficult week for our family as we anticipate July 6, the anniversary of the death of our son, Mark. His death overshadows every other dark time in our lives. But this year, God timed my annual check up with the uneasy anticipation of the fifteen-year anniversary of Mark's Homegoing.

He reminded me that twenty-one years ago Chuck and I made the same walk from the oncologist's office to the car and we were frightened of the unknown. We knew that God would not abandon us but the promise of His presence didn't guarantee that He would heal me on this earth. Twenty-one years later, we have experienced great sorrow but we have also embraced great joy in the middle of the darkness. God's plan included victory over the cancer and opportunities to make memories with our growing family. He gave me the privilege of walking through grief with my husband and children so that I could help carry their sorrow and drink more deeply of His faithful love. He gave me the joy of participating in their weddings and welcoming into our family our grandchildren.

I couldn't wait to get home to remind Chuck of this treasure in the darkness. God gave us twenty-one more years together, to learn how to love each other even more every day, to learn together how to reconcile His sovereignty with His love when Mark left our family. He gave us time together to learn how to reflect redemption when our hearts were breaking, how to choose life when death seemed more appealing.

Today I celebrate life, God's sovereign love and the privilege of living for Him in a world that is longing for hope and help. I celebrate because I am seeing Him keep His promise, that what He began in me, He will complete.

Celebrate with me!

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 1, 2008 12:24 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Joy

"Grammy, do you love your hummingbird?" Emma's question reminded me of the warm fuzzy love extended to me on Mother's Day from our grandchildren and their parents. Mother's Day fell on May 11 this year, what would have been our son, Mark's thirty-first birthday. Chuck placed flowers in the church to honor me and to remember Mark. We gave the Mark Betters Christian Character and Church Service award to a special young man who grew up in our church and was graduating from high school.

Our kids gathered at our home after church and served a fabulous meal and filled our house with laughter and joy. The grandkids couldn't wait to give me their specially chosen gifts like the hummingbird wind chime and personally prepared cards and pictures! What fun!

In the middle of the happy chaos, I thought about Mark a lot. I miss him. I sometimes mentally disconnect from the noisy conversations that always accompany our family gatherings as I watch our adult children interact and imagine Mark in the mix. I watch the spouses perfectly chosen by God for our children and I wonder what Mark's wife would have brought to the family. I see our grandkids building strong friendships and I imagine the children Mark might have had. And I miss him. And I long for what might have been.

Though not physically present, the reality of our son or Uncle Mark, as the grands call him, is interwoven throughout the fabric of our family life. It's not unusual for one of the grandchildren to ask me a question about Uncle Mark. Every time one of them looks at his picture in my locket and then smiles knowingly at me before running off with the other kids I sense God hugging me. It's easy for them to comment that their mommy cried while singing a worship song in church "because she was thinking about Uncle Mark" or to ask questions about his likes and dislikes. He's almost as real to them as their other uncles and aunts.

Raucous laughter from the adults or a grandchild's request for special attention brings me back from my musings to the present. Laughter bubbles up and washes away the invisible tears in the secret places of my heart when one of the grands gives me an unexpected hug and whispers, "I love you, Grammy!"

Grief teaches me to listen and watch carefully because when I do I get glimpses of the treasures in the darkness that God places in my pathway to remind me that He knows my longing and He's holding me tightly in His grip. He wants me to expect new blessings every morning.

The first week of July is a tough one for us. But God is already sending me treasures in the darkness, riches stored in secret places designed to remind me that He is my God and He calls me by name. I can see them even through tear-filled eyes. It's up to me if I will choose to let God's treasures help turn my heart toward Him or refuse to embrace the love He is sending my way

What treasure is God sending your way, treasure designed especially for you to help turn your heart toward Him? Encourage me this week with your story of God's faithful love.

In His grip,
Sharon

Posted At : June 23, 2008 11:24 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Time

So right after I hit the "send" button for my last entry, my husband asked me to help him with a plumbing problem. My "help" is acting as "go-fer" and requires waiting for instructions. Such as, "Turn on the water..." "Ok, turn it off." "Turn on the water..." "Ok, turn if off..." "I need my pliers...they're in the garage..." "Ok, turn on the water..." "Ok, turn it off..."

You get the picture. It's a job that gives me plenty of time to think while I'm waiting for direction. And considering that helping solve the problem of a leaking sink was the last thing on my mind when I so wisely concluded that we can control how we spend most of our time, well, my thoughts took a while to get to positive!

And yet, what better place than waiting by the kitchen sink to test out my worldview. My actions and response to circumstances reveal how I view life. Stay with my thought processes for a minute. Though you aren't dealing with the same time issues, this process might help you understand your behavior a little better as well.

168 hours in my week. Helping my husband fix a leaky sink wasn't in my agenda. Interruptions such as a leaky sink give me an opportunity to determine if what I say is a priority - really is. With my mouth I say that loving my husband and reflecting Christ in that love takes priority over every other task before me. When my husband asked me to help him, I could have declined the opportunity to work with him or I could have resentfully accepted the obligation to partner with him in this task, or I could choose to accept this opportunity as God's answer to my morning prayer, "Show me how to love my husband better today than yesterday."

The way I respond to such interruptions is a true picture of what I believe. When we are committed to walking by faith, God's Holy Spirit nudges us when we start going off the track of obedience and reflecting Him. When I respond to His nudge with obedience, His voice is easier to hear the next time. If I ignore Him (and make sure my husband knows how inconvenient it is for me to do such menial tasks), His voice is quieter the next time, and grows more silent with each rebellious attitude.

Getting control of my 168 hours is forcing me to peel back the layers of my worldview. When unplanned tasks disrupt my agenda, I am discovering opportunities to grow in grace and humility by choosing to reflect Christ instead of my own needs or desires. And the Holy Spirit is graciously whispering in my ear gentle reminders of what I say is my life calling - to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

Remember those overflowing closets and cluttered cabinets? I'm committed to cleaning out one drawer or closet every other day until they're all organized. As I straightened our dresser drawers, I thought long and hard about how they reflect my worldview. And I concluded that I was in the process of refining a perfectly acceptable lifelong value that allowed me to ignore clutter while the children were growing up.

Once I get it clear in my head, I'll share that revelation.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : June 13, 2008 1:30 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Priorities

Time is like money in the bank. Just like we can break down a dollar into quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, we can break our day into hours, minutes and seconds. We can choose to spend our money however we desire. Although we don't have as much control over how we spend our time, we still make choices on how we will invest many of our hours, minutes and seconds.

I have known this all my life but after that meeting with my friend, I saw my activities, too many tasks on my to do list and self-imposed guilt through a new light. I walked through our backdoor, past the laundry room with piles of clothes waiting to be washed or folded, the powder room that needed some TLC, the pile of unorganized newspaper coupons piled on the kitchen counter, past my new almost unused sewing machine, into our bedroom to change. I pulled out drawers that had given up hope for any order, sighed when I opened my closet and remembered the winter clothes needed to be stored for the summer, quickly jammed shut the bathroom drawer filled with years-old cosmetics, hairpins....Then I walked into my office, sat down at the desk and reviewed all the unfinished ministry tasks. I looked at the pictures of our grandchildren and thought of all the fun things I wanted to do with them that had somehow stayed simmering on the backburner of my daily life.

And instead of feeling the familiar self-recrimination that these vignettes typically produced - that I was just lazy and disorganized.....I remembered what my friend with the 168 hour a week chart told me, "You have to view your time like you would a paycheck designed to pay your bills. If you don't make wise choices with your paycheck, you have to steal from one account to pay another bill. It's the same with time. You say your family and grandchildren are your priority, that you want to write, that deep relationships are critical. Yet you live with a low grade simmering guilt every day because of unfinished tasks. Look at this chart and realize that you are trying to push 336 hours worth of living into 168 hours. You react to opportunities and urgent needs and give them the power instead of pro-actively budgeting your time within the context of your life purpose and values."

This time when I walked past my new sewing machine, I didn't feel like a lazy, undisciplined woman who never follows through with her big ideas. I accepted that I had chosen to spend my time at my desk rather than teaching my granddaughter how to sew. And that I could change that choice just as quickly as I made it. Hope and power over the tyranny of the urgent replaced self-imposed guilt. Someone once said that you can tell what a person's real priorities are by looking at their checkbook. Looking at the way we spend our time is even more revealing.

Viewing the checkbook of my time has brought me up short. Since that conversation, I view my 168 hours quite differently. My first step was to acknowledge that God gave me enough hours every day to accomplish His purposes. I don't need more hours in my day. My second step is to review all my dreams, goals and responsibilities through the grid of my life purpose and personal values.

168 hours...How are you spending yours?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : June 11, 2008 11:19 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: 168 hours,Life Purpose

There just aren't enough hours in my day to do everything that needs to be tackled. Wait a minute. God created 24 hours in a day. He knows what I need to do. Perhaps the problem isn't that I don't have enough hours. The problem is that I'm not using the hours wisely.

I recently met with a successful businessman for advice on how to develop MARKINC Ministries. I expected him to help me tweak our vision statement or establish goals. Instead, he started our meeting with an outline of how he imagines I spend the 168 hours God gives me every week. He included getting dressed, eating, sleeping, attending church, etc. He didn't include recreation, taking a daily nap, or anything fun. According to his conclusions, which were pretty accurate, by the time I lived a normal life, I have only a few hours left over every week for my husband and grandchildren. And even then, he had not included everything else I do.

He challenged me to realize that in order to accomplish even a small part of my ministry goals, I had to steal from the priorities I say are important.

His chart began to give me a way to understand why I live in a world of self-imposed guilt and a sense that I constantly fall short of meeting God's expectations, let alone the expectations of others. No one could accomplish my to do list and have any kind of healthy, deep relationships. Something has to give.

168 hours...How are you investing your precious time? Do you regularly steal from the important in order to react to the urgent?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 30, 2008 10:06 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,lament,Steven Curtis Chapman

Each detail made the truth more horrifying than the first. A five year old beautiful little girl, adopted into a loving family dedicated to serving Christ - killed by a terrible accident in her own driveway. A family celebrating a graduation, now struggling to understand how such terror forced its way into their home. I have never met the Steven Curtis Chapman family but I know their hearts. I know the mother better than most of her closest friends. I know the unending ache in her chest, the tears that will not stop, the desperate longing for just a few more minutes with her sweet little girl. I know she has just taken the first steps of the longest trail she will ever travel. And yet, as well as I know her sorrow, she carries an even greater burden as she will try to help her son experience God's mercy and comfort in ways few of us will ever need.

Several people have asked if we have sent the Chapman family our book, Treasures in Darkness, or our Loss of a Loved One CD interview. Certainly as God opens up doors, we will offer our encouragement. But for now, this dear family needs to be given the freedom to cry out to God, to lament, to plead for His mercy and comfort, and yes, even and perhaps most of all, to freely admit their disappointment with His plans for them. There will be great expectation in the Christian community for them to step up to the plate and display only strength and deep faith, to never question God's love or presence. I plead with their friends to protect them from such expectations and to guard their need to lament in the wilderness. For it is in the darkness of this frightening place that their understanding of God's love will grow deep and wide.

A friend of Amy Carmichael, missionary to India, once said, "The woman who has no experiences in the dark has no secrets to share in the light." Shortly after the death of our son, Mark, this statement challenged me with a choice. Would I accept midnight sorrow as an opportunity for God to reveal his secrets of the darkness? Or would I refuse to open my eyes and hands to treasures designed to turn my heart toward him? In time, desperation to understand my heavenly Father and experience his power drove me to place my hope in what I know about him, not in what I do not know. That's when I began to more clearly experience the treasures in the darkness and riches stored in secret places.

Learning to see when the lights went out took me back to the foundations of my faith, where I unpacked each belief and examined it through the grid of God's Word. I needed to know that what I had believed and taught for more than twenty-five years was absolute truth. For years and through tear-filled eyes, I searched for God's presence everywhere and in every event. No detail was insignificant. It still isn't.

In an article in Today's Christian Woman, Mary Beth Chapman (http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2003/sepoct/1.40.html) tells the story of adopting two of her children and how their entrance into her life helps her fight clinical depression. I love her honesty in sharing this part of her life. I have to believe that God gave her the courage to share so transparently in preparation for this moment when deep darkness would fall and threaten to pull her down into an endless abyss of despair. Because of her honesty, I'm praying that her closest friends will encourage her to remember God's past faithfulness, but also give her freedom to wail before her God if she is struggling to reconcile His love with His sovereignty.

Grief is hard work. Honest grief can take us deeper into the heart of God than we have ever experienced.

Posted At : May 11, 2008 11:59 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Mother's Day,Family,Courage

Since 1994 I have wished I could jump over Mother's Day. It's supposed to be a day of honor, remembering our mothers, being remembered by our children. But in May, 1994 remembering only brought deeper sadness and longing for what was. That was the first Mother's Day I experienced without our youngest child, Mark. Mark was born on May 11, 1977. He died in a car accident on July 6, 1993. The year of 1994 was a year of dreading every morning and every night. Mother's Day and his birthday all at the same time seemed more than I could bear.

Almost fifteen years later, I still weep over missing Mark. My sadness embraces others on Mother's Day. When I think of Mark on Mother's Day, I also think of my friend, Judy, especially when I see glimpses of her sweet, gentle spirit in her girls and our grandchildren. I held back tears this morning when I sent a Mother's Day email card to my two daughters-in-law, who have missed their mother, Judy, since her death in 1989.

Mother's Day...a day that brings great joy to the first time mommy and great grief to the woman who cannot conceive. A day of satisfaction for the mother whose children are living by faith, a day of deep pain to the mother whose child not only rejects her faith but also her mom. A day of fun for the mommy whose children bring her breakfast in bed. A day of deep loneliness for the mommy who will never see her child again on this earth. A day of contentment for the mom who looks down the church pew at her husband and beautiful children. A day of isolation for the woman who will never bear children or sits in church with her children - alone.

For me, this is a day of choices that are more easily made than they were in 1994. It's a day I miss my son but no more than I typically miss him. And it's a day I thank God for the blessings of sixteen years with Mark. Today I will choose a rose bush to plant in his name, as I have every year since his Homegoing. Last year the rose's name was Lasting Peace. This year, I hope to find one that reminds me of God's faithful love.

It's a day I look forward to spending time with our other children and receiving lots of hugs and kisses from our grandchildren. I will hold them close and absorb the life that flows freely from their hearts into mine. And it's a day I will be more sensitive to those around me whose hearts are breaking because this day of all days reminds them of what they do not have.

I think of the new young widow and the mom whose daughter died a few months ago. I think of the mom who took her own life and the one who faces her first Mother's Day after a miscarriage. I think of the mom whose daughter refuses to surrender to God's love and intentionally hurts her mother at every opportunity.

But then I will remember how God used the clouds of grief in my life as His chariot and how He charged through the dark sky and held me tightly in His grip as I struggled to reconcile His sovereignty and His love. And I will pray for each of these women to experience the swoosh of the chariot as God rides deep into their hearts and encourages them to trust Him with their disappointments.

Mother's Day. A day to remember. To remember, God is sovereign and we can trust Him.

In His Grip,

Sharon

Posted At : May 3, 2008 11:59 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Disobediance

What pleasures drive my disobedience? This question cannot be quickly answered. Though I'm eager to move past this "If Then" pathway of my journey, I recognize the need to sit on a spiritual bench and take stock of the scenery. The scriptures confirm my conclusion that self-pleasure drives my sinful behavior. The patriarch Moses "chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt...." Hebrews 11:25-26a. And Titus 3:3: At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.

And perhaps the most revealing of all, Luke 8:14: The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature.

Again, I ask myself, what pleasures are driving disobedience and in addition, stifling my growth as a child of God (and they do not mature).

I know that growing in Christ brings great blessing. What blessings am I missing because of deep rooted sin habits that I have chosen to allow to grow?

Yes, this is a painful process.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 30, 2008 10:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Change

Ok, so the first week of Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor challenges me to identify specific sins and to create a plan of action. If a certain circumstance occurs that tempts me to sin, then I will respond in a specific way. My response to this assignment looks like this, "If I am confronted with someone else's conflict, I will refuse to draw conclusions based on the presenting person's words. Instead I will withhold judgment and encourage the speaker to go back to the person with whom they are in conflict and try to resolve the issues between the two of them."

What sin am I putting off? Listening to a bad report and impulsively judging another's heart and behavior. What behavior am I putting on? Refusing to enter into another's conflict and challenging the people involved to resolve their differences biblically rather than adding fire to the conflict with gossip.

Just slapping on a new behavior will not result in a new heart. I am convinced that I must identify the part of my worldview that is flawed before I will see genuine behavioral change in any area of my life.

Breaking sin habits is tedious and hard. Sometimes it's even boring because there is no magic pill. I must follow my choice to change with action. But the harder part is digging into the root of the thinking that drives my actions.

I must identify and admit the pleasure I gain from this particular sin.

In 2 Timothy 3:1-4 is a list of sins of the "last days." Paul, the writer of this passage ends this list with identifying the root thinking that drives these sins: People are lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.

Again, ouch. It's painful to admit that when faced with a choice to either obey (reflect Christ) or disobey (sin), pleasure derived from the sin drives my choice in areas unchanged by Christ's presence. My mind quickly sorts through my options and weighs my behavior on my pleasure scales. If I am to really see change, I must be honest about why I choose evil.

This exercise is getting painful.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 29, 2008 11:43 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Obedience,Gossip,Sin

Ok, so when I started this journey, I expected to identify specific sins so that I could conquer each one within the next 4 weeks. Instead, God is using David's anguished repentance to teach me how to grow deeper in love with Jesus and see that love flow through my every day life.

Now I'm ready to tackle specific sins - right, God?

Once more, God surprises me by taking me in a different direction than I expected. The assignment in the first chapter of Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor is to read Ephesians 4:17-24. It's a classic passage on repentance: put off sin, put on righteousness. But there is a little phrase in this passage that I often forget and it's the key to lasting change in my life. It's the challenge to "be made new in the attitude of your minds." Based on my own life experience with obedience, my worldview drives my actions. When I find it difficult to break a sin habit, I need to identify what it is about the sin that gives me more pleasure than obedience will give. Ouch.

So, when I regularly let the sun go down on my anger and continually fail to resolve conflicts immediately, I must dig deep into my soul to find out what attitude is driving such sinful behavior. What pleasure am I getting from holding on to anger? We continue in sin because the pleasure of the sin is greater than the pleasure of God's favor. So when I identify judging others as a sin habit I want to change, I probably won't have much success until I also identify why I enjoy judging others rather than thinking the best of them. What pleasure do I receive in speaking evil of another? What pleasure does gossip give that is greater than the pleasure of using my words to build up another?

What attitude must change so that my behavior will change?

When someone brings a negative report about another person to me, why do I tend to react as though the report is true rather than remembering Proverbs 18:17: The first to present his case seems right, til another comes forward and questions him.

What pleasure do I gain by believing the worst rather than choosing to withhold judgment until I have all the facts?

Help me out, sisters.

Why do I speak before thinking? Why do I struggle with jumping to conclusions? What is the remedy?

Change the attitude of my mind, Oh Lord.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 27, 2008 9:28 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Change,Obedience,Sin

David says that his sin is always before him (Psalm 51:3). I feel his pain. I can barely function when I know that my actions have hurt someone I love. How do I "un-sin" my relationship to them? I can try to undo the pain of my sin, try to fix broken relationships. But just like I can't put toothpaste back in the tube, I can't take back the hurtful words or even lack of words.

Think of it, David lived with the murder of one of his key leaders. He lived with the consequences of adultery. Though God "un-sinned" him through forgiveness, David's life was characterized by chaos and family feuds...the consequences of his sin. Yet, God calls him a man after His own heart.

How can this be? Grace, grace, God's grace. There is hope for me, too. How does God want me to tap into this amazing grace? With the sacrifice of a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:16-17) that is reflected by my thank offerings, my dependence on His love, and trust in His Help (Psalm 50:14, 15). My heart is overflowing with the renewed revelation of God's longing for me to relate to Him on the most personal level. Every time I acknowledge His faithfulness and every time I depend on Him, I am giving a thank offering in which He delights.

I think about how much I want my husband to depend on me, to trust me to meet his needs wherever possible. And I want him to know how much I love him, to tell me he sees the love I'm expressing in my behavior toward him. The more he acknowledges my love, the more I want to show him my love.

Oh my, knowing my own heart needs in my marriage, I can see more clearly why God desires to receive thank offerings from me and how those offerings actually ignite His power in my life. This is really more than I can get my hands around but it's driving me deeper into His heart.

What about you, my friend? What is God teaching you on this spiritual pathway? What is soaking in Psalm 51 revealing about your own heart? Your lessons learned will help me keep on keeping on.

In his Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 25, 2008 1:15 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Sacrifice of Praise

Soaking in Psalm 50 and 51 reminds me that God desires and yes, requires from me - thank offerings that express how I can call on Him in times of trouble and know He will hear and help me (Psalm 50:14). He requires thank offerings that honor Him and prepare the way for me to see Him and His salvation (Psalm 50: 23). At first glance the word "requires" evokes a rebellious response. It felt like a rule (religion) when I'm seeking relationships. So I dug deeper and again read and re-read the passages, cross referencing to other similar scriptures. Slowly, God opened my eyes to the treasure of His love in this "requirement." It was and continues to be a stunning moment for me to realize that God requires such an offering because He WANTS me, He LONGS for me to know how much He loves me and that He's always there for me. How can this be? Such a thought removes the "legalism" from this sacrifice. It is not out of obligation but flows from a love relationship.

The thank offerings are not for His sake as much as for my good so that I am constantly aware of His presence and faithfulness.

I understand better that He longs for me to offer Him a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:16, 17). In obedience to this requirement, I am reading Psalms as prayers of praise. By reading them out loud and personalizing them they remind me of God's sovereign love, His great gift of Jesus, that I can trust Him. The requirement is slowly becoming a key that opens my mind to new insights into my Father's character. Beginning each day with praise for Him on my lips is slowly turning my response to life's messy places into an altar that reflects my dependence on Him and trust that He is ever present.

Where are you in this journey? As you start each day with a sacrifice of praise, how is it changing your perspective? Can you share an example?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 22, 2008 12:04 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Change,Obedience,Sin

Birthdays have never bothered me. Getting older is normal and according to scripture, a reason to celebrate wisdom rooted in walking with Christ. But my sixtieth birthday caught my attention like no other. Since that moment I have been evaluating my own life calling and how to finish life well.

Over the next four weeks I am embarking on a spiritual journey that is part of my evaluation and I invite you to join me in my quest for exactly how to reflect grace and the character of God in every day life. This is an arduous pathway. There is no shortcut to the finish line. I am finding huge boulders that must be removed. Good intentions cover piles of trash that I must sift through in order to find the hidden treasure of how to go to bed each night, free of guilt over undone tasks and untended relationships.

Last week my husband, Chuck, challenged our congregation that it's time to get back to the basics of cultivating intimacy with Christ in a way that changes our every day lives. He asked how many of us had prepared for corporate worship vs. coming to church. Then he urged us to soak in Psalm 51 every day with the expectation that God would strip away our pride in our works and reveal what He desires as a heart sacrifice. He warned us that we might be in for a difficult journey as God's Word confronted sin and instructed us to follow up with time in Philippians, especially chapter 4, as a salve for the spiritual surgery of Psalm 51.

So the first leg of my journey is soaking in Psalm 51 in preparation for working through a little book by Jay Adams, Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor (available through P & R Publishing).

Every day for a week I read, reread and read again Psalm 51. Because I'm familiar with this passage, I had to force myself to stay focused and open to personal application. I cross-referenced to Psalm 50 where I saw the same call to repentance of pretense, i.e. religious pride rooted in rules rather than relationship. I love that David saw repentance as a roadway to cultivating intimacy with His God and with others. He asks God to "un-sin" him (Psalm 51:2), to pour out His grace and restore the joy of intimacy with Him. THEN, after putting off sin and putting on the joy of reconciliation with His God, THEN, David will teach others about this amazing grace.

Will you join me in this journey? Start with Psalm 51 and follow up with Philippians 4. If you travel with me, we can help each other stay the course.

Leaving a comment is easy and your insights will help me to open my eyes to God's truth.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 2, 2008 7:57 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Prayer,Family

My friend and I talked quietly as we walked toward her bedroom. I knew I was on holy ground because supernatural grace flowed from her as she lived out the sovereignty of God in this very difficult pathway of life. Her young husband would soon be gone, his body taken by cancer, his soul carried by Christ's sacrifice into the presence of his savior. His fourteen-month battle against this terrible disease was ending yet there was no blanket of doom suffocating this household. I commented on the courage and strength they reflected and she responded, "I'm following my husband's example. Even with every bit of bad news he kept his sense of humor and strong faith that God is sovereign and we can trust Him. That doesn't mean we don't cry but right now I will be for him what he needs. He has a strong legacy of praying women that have guided us. I wish you could have known his grandmother. I know her prayers protected our marriage. In fact, when she died I knew there was a hole in our protection - I could feel it. And you've met his mother. You can see her faith."

I understood my friend's description of the hole in our umbrella of protection created by the deaths of faithful prayer warriors. I think of my friend, Thelma, who told me that she prayed every morning for our family. Thelma died about two years ago and after almost thirty years of having this precious woman quietly praying every day, I felt more vulnerable to the enemy's attacks. I once approached two older men in our church and asked them to pray for our son, Chuck, as he embarked on his new ministry position. They walked every morning and smiled at my request, saying, "We already do. And for your husband and you and each member of your family." When John died, I again felt a weakening in the fabric of our spiritual protection.

The greatest rip in our umbrella of prayer came when God came for my mother. When long term illness forced her to spend many hours in her bedroom, isolated from her children and grandchildren, she would sometimes express her disappointment that she didn't have purpose anymore. Yet when we walked through some of the toughest years in our lives, she was growing deep roots in Christ through praying for us. We have a long letter she wrote to my husband when we faced terrible church conflict. She didn't say she was praying for the conflict to be over but rather that she was praying for Chuck to reflect Christ in every way. Because of his deep respect for her, he knew this was a message from God and recommitted himself to godliness when his natural response was to angrily react.

Amy Carmichael, missionary to India, often struggled in a bed of physical pain and weakness. She said that when people told her that maybe God put her there so that she could pray she knew they didn't understand the hard work of prayer. Real prayer exhausts the pray-er so praying in a bed of illness is even more precious to those being prayed for. My mother's prayers for us transformed her bedroom into a sanctuary of worship. And her time with God through His Word transformed her into a woman whose last prayer, the last night of her life, was, "Be at peace once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to me." Yes, when she left, we all felt spiritually vulnerable.

I miss you, Mommy. And my heart's desire is to mend the hole in our prayer umbrella by continuing your legacy of protecting our family through the gift of talking with God.

What is your legacy, my friends? Tell us about your praying mother or grandmother.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 1, 2008 12:39 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: God's will,Disappointment with God

Can you relate to this woman's description of her grave disappointment with a turn in her life that took her in a totally different direction than she wanted to go?

Funny how when people ask me, 'Why would God do that?' my first gut reaction is to impatiently retort, 'just trust Him, He knows better than you do, and He has a plan...' but now that I'm in this situation where my friend and I did EVERYTHING RIGHT and nothing is going the way we hoped, all I can think is, 'how would it not work out? We did everything right!' Knowing He knows me better than I do, and He has a better plan, well that doesn't really make it easy, and certainly doesn't bring me comfort right now...

This is my edited response. As one who tried to do "everything right" and then faced the loss of her son, I feel your pain in wrestling with God. Remember that you did everything right in order to determine God's purposes and plans for your life. Apparently the process you chose is indicating that at least for now, God's plan is different than your desire. God is using the process you chose to answer your prayers. Doing everything right doesn't always give us the result we were hoping for. When it doesn't we find out just how submitted we really are to the sovereignty of God. It's easy to challenge others to trust Him when the desires of our heart are all in place and obeying God is uncomplicated. Submission when His practical plans take us in a different direction, well, that challenges our natural response and is an opportunity for God to transform our minds into His mind. And the battle is even more fierce when we like to be in control and are accustomed to getting what we want!

It will take time for the inflammation to go down so that real healing can begin. And yet, when the inflammation goes down, the real pain sets in.

You remember Job's devastation when everything he loved was taken from him. Though we often hear about the patience of Job, a closer look at his response to deep loss reveals a man who wrestled with God in order to rest in His sovereignty. Job actually states that it's his wrestling that brings him into the presence of God. I have found that when I'm wrestling with disappointment, there is an intimacy with Christ that far surpasses the intimacy I feel when all is well with the world. It's not a place I enjoy, but I miss it when my wrestling is resolved. Hard to explain but if you don't know what I mean right now, you will because your ultimate passion is to reflect God's glory in all you do.

You are not comforted by God's sovereignty at this moment, but you will be, because it's only in His sovereignty that life makes sense - when life doesn't make sense.

I'm so sad you are hurting when it seems life should be so perfect. Yet, I'm also kind of glad because I know the pain will give you exactly what your ultimate hunger is - your pain will drive you into the heart of God. He isn't afraid of your confusion or your disappointment with Him, in fact He invites your questions and encourages you to crawl right up into His lap and let Him hold you tightly while you pound on His chest. There's comfort in that picture - and oh by the way, if you feel like His lap is a little crowded at times, well, that elbow in your side is probably mine!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 22, 2008 1:26 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Family,Grace

I try hard to be a mother-in-law our children enjoy having around. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my role but a very godly, wise woman farther along in life's journey recently showed me the meaning of sacrificing self in respect of a deeper bond than mother and child. Her fifty-five year old son was dying and his wife was speaking to us about some of his final wishes. We could tell that one was particularly troubling to his mother. Chuck asked, her, "What do you think about this? I have a feeling you have a pretty strong opinion that's different from his." She paused and then smiled as she responded, "I could have an opinion, yes. But I'm not going to."

There was nothing in her tone that communicated anger or that her desires should have had a greater influence. She had already expressed her concerns to her daughter-in-law and how it was time to let her son and his wife have the final word. Her reply indicated her heart's desire to remove any unnecessary stress from her daughter-in-law who would soon be a widow. What a gift she gave to her son's wife.

I couldn't help but think of the many women who refuse to recognize the primacy of the marriage relationship, who will not keep quiet when decisions should be the responsibility of her child and his or her spouse.

During a few minutes alone with this precious mother, I commented on her daughter-in-law's earlier description of her singing and talking to her son as he lay in a coma. She quietly shared, "I told him he has run a good race, fought a good fight, and walked the path of faith - he has finished well."

I couldn't stop my tears as I said, "I think of you giving birth to your son fifty-five years ago. And just as you delivered him into this world then, you're now helping usher him back into heaven. What a gift you are giving by transforming your grief into a chariot that is helping carry your son into the presence of God."

Thank you, precious friend, for showing me how to live out God's sovereign love, even when delivering a child into the arms of God.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 19, 2008 3:59 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Infidelity

The media headlines in America sound like a warning signal from God to His people from Galatians 6:1: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."

Last year New Jersey's Governor McGreevy admitted to his homosexuality and stepped down from his office. Last week, New York's Governor Spitzer stepped down from his office after being exposed as having an $80,000 relationship with high-priced call girls. New York's new governor and his wife publicly admitted to marital infidelity during a rocky point in their own marriage. The new governor stated that the lives of politicians is a reflection of every day Americans. In other words, though their infidelity might be stunning, their struggles are normal. I know he's right. Sadly.

As a Christian, I try to read the headlines and hear the news through the grid of scripture. What is God saying through these events? The details are sordid and titillating. Every news show is showcasing marriage counselors, psychiatrists, counselors and so-called experts, in particular those who have written books on marital infidelity.

They all try to answer this question. Why would a man who has everything - a beautiful wife, lovely children, money, a position of influence and power - risk it all for moments of physical pleasure? I have another question. What moves a woman to enter into such betrayal with a man?

One psychologist stated that there are two characteristics that are dominant in people who cheat (and yes, let's call it what it is, cheating). These people are typically impulsive and narcissistic. Their own pleasure takes precedence over the needs of their spouses and children. When given an opportunity to satisfy their pleasure, they react impulsively without thought for the long range consequences of their behavior. (Sounds like a definition of all sin.)

Another expert said that men and women are designed to procreate so men are always looking for a younger woman who can bear children and women are always looking for men who will protect them and have the means to provide for children (thus the attraction of older, financially, mature men to younger women).

Let's not forget marital boredom and unmet emotional needs.

One interviewer noted that it seems all of this discussion about reasons for marital betrayal is creating a climate of permissiveness and acceptance of marital infidelity. The expert responded that though these might be driving forces for cheating, people have inhibitions that protect families. He suggested that most people still care about their reputations (apparently some powerful people do not, a la Mr. Spitzer and Mr. McGreevy) and that would be enough to curtail such destructive behavior.

Let's get real. People commit adultery because they are sinners. The biblical template for marriage is one woman, one man, one lifetime. There's a reason for God's plan. One is that biblical marriage is to reflect the relationship of Christ to His church. God created us with a need to feel safe and He says we are safe in His presence. Among many other things, marriage should make a husband and wife feel safe.

Adultery creates havoc with that safety.

I've held broken women in my arms as they have tried to put into words the raw anguish of betrayal. The countenance of Mrs. Spitzer when her husband announced his resignation is a familiar one that reflects the terrible damage that betrayal causes. One of Mr. Spitzer's aides said that when he saw Mrs. Spitzer's face, he knew the cheating was true. I've seen a young woman's face become old within seconds when she learns about her husband's betrayal.

But I've also seen the broken heart of a husband who suddenly realizes what he has done and his desperation to win back his wife's love and trust. And I've had the privilege of walking toward restoration with broken couples and seeing the power of God's grace to redeem the pain of sin.

So what's my take away point for this entry? Sisters, listen to me. Men commit adultery with women. Are you one of those women? When you are with another woman's husband, are you thinking about his wife? Chuck and I have heard almost unbelievable rationalization for adultery that started with emotional affairs. (As long as we're not having sex, we're doing nothing wrong. I'm not trying to take him away from his wife, just enjoying his attention. We're just friends. God brought us together to encourage one another. God wants me happy. He makes me happy. How could something that feels so good be sinful? And then there's the oldest line in the book: He understands me in a way my husband doesn't.)

Write this down in your journal. If you are committing adultery, admit you know you are helping this man destroy another woman's life. At least be honest before God and yourself that you are intentionally breaking up another woman's home. Do NOT use the excuse that you didn't cause the problems and therefore, you hold no culpability for the destruction of their home. If there are children, admit you are intentionally helping this man create massive problems and life-long heartbreak for his children.

All the psycho mumbo jumbo are worthless platitudes to the children in broken homes.

In this very moment, memories of women shattered by their husbands' betrayal are flashing across my mind: and I can barely stand the pain of their faces.

Please, sisters in Christ, do not listen to the whispers of the enemy. Run, run, run away from any relationship that tempts you to violate another woman's marriage or yours. You have a choice to obey God and trust HIM to meet the desires of your heart in a way that reflects His principles and values. Your happiness does not rest with a man who would betray his wife and children to be with you. If he is unfaithful to his present wife, you will never trust him to be faithful to you.

Redeeming such situations are like trying to unravel bowls of cooked spaghetti. The place to start is with biblical principles no matter how impossible they appear to keep. Start with the first one in God's commandments: You will have no other gods before me. Recognize that when you choose adultery, you are worshiping the idol of self, not God.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 18, 2008 12:49 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Imagine that as you turn to leave your friend's bedroom after putting your coat on her bed, you notice a beautiful pin on her dresser. "Aha!" you think. "That's exactly what I've been looking for to go with my new outfit for Saturday's party. I'll just borrow it and then return it later. She has so much jewelry, she won't miss it." You slip the pin into your pocket but never ask for your friend's permission to wear it. The pin completes your outfit and you procrastinate giving it back because you enjoy the compliments you receive while wearing it. Months later you run into your friend at a party. Your smile freezes when she exclaims, "Where did you get that pin? My husband gave me one just like it but told me it was unique, that no one else has one like it but yours is an exact match... I've been so upset because I can't find it. He's really disappointed, too."

Slowly your friend realizes that the pin you're wearing is hers. You hand it back and know by the look in her eyes that your friendship is probably over. Instead of admitting your sin and apologizing, you rationalize away your guilt and conclude that she's selfish. You think, "It wasn't like I was going to keep it - she has so much. What's the big deal!"

Of course, this scenario is silly. Yet, how many women meet appropriate emotional needs inappropriately by "borrowing" another woman's husband? And how many rationalize their behavior by saying, "I'm not trying to have an affair. Her husband just understands me so much better than mine. I'm not trying to steal him from her. She has so much......what's the big deal?"

Relational boundary lines have grown fuzzier as the "mind and heart" of our culture has minimized integrity, faithfulness, and respect for marriage. If our view of marriage is fuzzy, then it's easier to rationalize "borrowing" emotional intimacy from a man who was not designed by God to meet our emotional needs.

As long as there's no physical intimacy, what's the danger of such relationships with men married to another woman? When a woman looks to anything outside of her marriage to meet needs that are to be met by God or her husband, then the one designed to meet those needs (God or her husband if she is married) gets squeezed out of the picture. There's no urgency to pursue intimacy with her husband or her God if another is filling the unmet desires.

How do you know if you have crossed a line? Review the questions in my previous entry. Consider also how willing you would be to give up that relationship if your husband or the man's wife expressed discomfort. If you have concluded you are or are in danger of sliding into an inappropriate online relationship, your actions need to follow your mind. Take these hard steps:

1. Admit your motives are impure and ask God's forgiveness.
   
2. Confess your sin to a trusted friend who now has permission to hold you accountable for ending the relationship.
   
3. Prayerfully consider confessing to your husband with the goal of committing to the hard work of building a strong marriage.
   
4. Immediately end your online relationship by blocking email from your online friend.
   
5. If necessary, change your email address. It's worth the trouble of sending out a new one to your friends and family. Remove all reminders of him from your desk, computer, your life.
   
6. Put on a renewed commitment and behavior that reflect your desire for your husband if married.
   
7. Wash your mind with God's truth about marriage.
   
8. Put your emotional energy into building safe, healthy, godly relationships.

May you experience God's sweet presence as you give to others the treasures of His encouragement.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 8, 2008 6:35 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

"Something told me to check his email and there it was - evidence that my husband had an online relationship with one of my friends. I was stunned by the flirting and flattery. They both insisted they were innocent and I was the one with the problem. But I know unfaithfulness when I experience it."

Over the past few years, Chuck and I have listened to women share too many of these stories. They go like this: A wife has a sixth sense that her husband is emotionally involved with another woman. He denies any wrong-doing. She feels guilty for suspecting him but can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. Then an instant message meant for her husband crosses the computer when she's online or she "accidentally" stumbles on email or text messages that reveal a familiarity that feels invasive and unsettling. Her husband and his online pal usually deny any wrong-doing, protesting that they are just friends. He refuses to end the communication, claiming his wife is possessive, obsessive and needs to grow up. As terrific as email and online communication is, there is a downside that can start out innocently yet slowly begins a slippery slope into emotional adultery and sometimes continues into physical adultery with the end result of destroyed marriages.

How do you know if you're the other woman or in danger of becoming the other woman in this tech-based emotional adultery? Honestly answer these questions:

• Do you check your email frequently, hoping to see his name?
  
• Do you regularly glance at your instant message buddies to see if he's online?
  
• Does your stomach flutter when you see his name?
• Do you open his email before you open anyone else's?
• Do you look for excuses to "stop by his electronic desk," sending quick messages, hoping to engage him in a longer conversation?
• Do you try to catch him online, instant messaging throughout the day or night?
• If you're married, can your husband access your email at any time?
• Would you be embarrassed if your husband read the emails you are exchanging with the other man? What about the other man's wife?
• Would a friend who knows you well pick up on the emotional undercurrent of your communications?
• Do you get up in the middle of the night to see if he's sent you a message?
• When you're online, do you listen for your husband so you can hide emails or instant messaging from him?
• Would you telephone him for the same reason you're instant messaging, i.e. just to chat or catch up? What if his wife answered the call?
• Would you be comfortable with his wife knowing you're "talking" to her husband at 1 o'clock in the morning, 11 o'clock at night or throughout the day?
  
  Sadly, technology has given us the freedom to jump from a casual relationship into intimacy very quickly. Sisters, think carefully about the lives you are destroying with such a casual attitude toward another sister's marriage. Next time we'll talk about how women get into these relationships and how to get out of them.

  What are your thoughts? Are you or have you been the online "other woman?" With what results? Your mistakes and lessons learned might help another woman stop her downward emotional adultery slide before it causes grave sorrow in another woman's life.

  Until next time - may you experience the treasure of God's presence as you walk by faith today.

  In His Grip,
  Sharon