Mark Sanford's Other Woman
Related Categories: Adultery
Sin takes on different form in each of our lives but some sins wreak a horizontal havoc that is an ever widening circle of grief and destruction, especially behavior that betrays human trust and children's safety in their homes.
Adultery is such a sin. This post is for women who are committing adultery or flirting with the possibilities. I have addressed this topic in
previous posts but in light of the past two weeks of confessions from two self-proclaimed family oriented public figures, out of love for my covenant family, I am pleading once more with adulterous women to consider carefully the consequences of their betrayal of another woman.
And that is my question. Please, please help me understand how you can intentionally destroy another woman's life by committing adultery with her husband? I wish you could see my face and hear the sorrow in my question rather than condemnation and judgment. Elizabeth Edwards asked the same question about the other woman in her husband's life - how can one woman do this to anther woman? My heart sunk when Governor Sanford, a professing Christian, confessed his adulterous relationship with a woman in Argentina. What struck me was his priority to protect the specialness of his relationship to this woman, saying that they had a precious friendship for eight years that "sparked" into something more about a year ago. Like so many others caught in adultery, he stated that they never intended for this to happen. True confession on my part - instead of sympathy for Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery, my jaded thoughts were, "If the truth is ever told, he will confess that he knew eight years ago that he wanted this woman in a way that was outside of marriage. He will confess that all along his attraction to her was more than friendship and that instead of running away from temptation as God commands us to do, Mark Sanford rationalized that he could handle a close relationship with this woman."
And sure enough, what Mark Sanford and "Maria" thought were private, intimate love notes now are public evidence of a long term sensuous relationship. Emails meant for their eyes only are now part of Internet history. In the context of one romantic, intimate email Governor Sanford proclaims to his adulterous partner that he knew when he first met her that she was special.
The more the press gleefully exposes , the more clearly we see scriptural truth played out in front of our eyes. We can't believe how irrationally Governor Sanford behaved, in particular taking off for Argentina to meet with his partner in adultery without regard for the affairs of State to which he had been elected. And yet scripture clearly outlines the way that adulterers step by step lose common sense and rational thinking. The slope of adultery is slippery indeed.
My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." (Proverbs 5:1 - 14)
Please know that I do not want to be one more person who is shaking her head and tsk, tsking in condemnation. God doesn't waste any of our mistakes or sinful choices. Exposed sin in public figures must drive us to acknowledge, "There but for the grace of God go I.." We pray that the Sanfords can find their way back to each other and that their family legacy will be one of redemption and forgiveness. Mark Sanford's fall ought to be a teaching moment for us. The enemy is patient, like a lion, stalking his prey, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. Eight years of long distance "friendship" was a smoldering fire waiting to explode. Teaching Moment: Is there a "friendship" in your life that you need to re-examine in light of this sad tale?
Others have already begun to diagnose the reasons Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery committed such a heinous betrayal of Jenny Sanford. I've heard "experts" whitewash and excuse this sinful behavior by saying that some men are wired for such risk-taking, that their testosterone drives their foolish decisions, but that they really still love their wives. These "experts" need to have a sit down with God on this one. "You shall not commit adultery... Teaching Moment: In case you are trying to rationalize what adultery means, let me make it more clear - no emotional adultery, either. You shall not steal [another woman's husband]... You shall not covet your neighbor's wife [or husband]...
Girls, you will meet, if you haven't already, men who belong to other women who you wish you could have as your own. Teaching Moment: As soon as you have that thought, run away from the relationship. As soon as you think, "He's such a good guy and his wife mistreats him....I can make up for his wife's short fallings by being his friend....." run faster from that relationship.
Adulterers and adulteresses are steeped in deception and cannot be believed. Initially, they lie to themselves. Some women color their emotional adultery by pretending to care about the man's wife and children. Teaching Moment: Hear me on this. The truth is if you are flirting with a married man, you do NOT care about his wife and children, nor do you care for him. Mark Sanford himself admitted that if he really cared for this other woman, he wouldn't have involved her in circumstances that had no future except humiliation and devastation. Before you prepare your emotional defense of such behavior, remember that I'm only the messenger. God has already made it clear that adultery destroys people and cuts the nerve of a marriage.
Ultimate Teaching Moment: If you are involved in adultery, repent of your sin and get help now. Remember, repentance is a two-fold process - we must put off the adultery and put on our husbands. God can redeem the pain but you must start with repentance. The longer you allow it to continue the more you risk ever understanding God's love and forgiveness. Over the years I have pleaded with adulterous women to repent. I have begged them to see Jesus' love and for His glory to walk in holiness. Sadly, few listen. Repentance drives us to the Cross where we will find the greatest love that paid dearly to redeem us from the pit.
If you have experienced that kind of forgiveness, there is a woman who needs to hear your story. You can email me anonymously through this blog or with your contact information through Sharon.betters@markinc.org. And if you are a victim of adultery, perhaps your story will help open the eyes of the "other woman" that God is calling to repentance.
For more on how to resist the temptation of adultery, check out Chuck's messages, The Myth of the Greener Grass.
In His Grip,
Sharon

attendees will not only hear the Word but we will also hear from women who will share their own life stories of how God has brought spiritual mothers and sisters alongside of them. In Titus 2 the Apostle Paul tells Pastor Titus to equip the older women to teach the younger women how to reflect Christ in their daily lives. In keeping with that model, I've asked Chuck to join us at the end of class to answer a different life question each week.
isn't fair. Your enemy doesn't deserve grace." But I couldn't join her obedience resistance because Jesus had already given her marching orders. His call was clear. Forgive.
As I watched the miracle of grace transform my dear friend into a woman of strength, I envied the miracle of grace I saw in her. But I also knew that unless God gave me similar grace, I could never take the steps I witnessed her take. Forgiveness required her to die to self and put aside her own sense of justice and need for vengeance. She recognized her inability to make hard choices and surrendered her will to wise counselors whose wisdom came from scripture. Emotional and physical exhaustion followed her obedience because her surrender to God's ultimate glory took every ounce of strength to break through the shell of bitterness wrapped around her soul. I saw hope in her eyes for the first time since the betrayal. In that moment she experienced supernatural power she didn't know resided in her soul. She also recognized that this one step was the first of many more difficult moments toward healing and reconciliation.
called denial.
that anything we are doing will lead to a good result. Sometimes we think our obedience is about big things when God is really calling us to obey in the mundane, ordinary tasks of life.
fathom his mother behaving in such a way. She was a godly, older woman, gentle and kind. She lived with her son and his wife and her family clearly adored her. The next time I saw her, I could see the fear in her eyes. She looked lost. What happened to God's promise that faithful older people would bear fruit in their old age? Ever growing, ever green? Not to me.
Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him." Psalm 92:12 - 15
grandchildren. She worked in the family business and enjoyed mentoring young girls in her church. Suddenly she was not allowed to even kiss her grandchildren for six months because of the possibility of infection. She struggled with a new definition of bearing fruit in old age and staying fresh and green. As a grandmother of fourteen, I am only just beginning to grasp her deep sorrow and disappointment over God's plans for her remaining years on this earth. But in our minds, our mother left this world with a fresh and green spirit and she repeatedly proclaimed in her dying moments, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." In her physical weakness, she saw the goodness of the Lord in her life.
women's conference with my sisters and her granddaughters in keeping with her lifelong practice of supporting and applauding every achievement of her children and grandchildren. She wanted to be part of this historic event where I had the privilege of teaching a seminar on grief and speaking on Sunday morning. In addition to co-leading worship, our son Chuck was giving a mini-piano concert Saturday night. Though it required travel to Atlanta, Georgia, my mother was determined to be part of this family moment. Because of her uncertain health needs, my father planned to accompany her. My mother died in December, 2008, but she left a well-taught husband
(
and generous support of numerous ministries. I was intrigued by the scripture reference and concluded that I wanted to be just like my father when I grew up (I was in my early fifties at the time).
USA, called Sharondale. Yes, his construction company built it and he named it after me when I was about five years old. Through the thick and thin days of running his own business, he didn't waver from his core values. Many of his seven children and their future spouses as well as grandchildren worked in his contracting business where we inherited his strong work ethic.
My mother died at Christmas, 1998, after a long illness. As I observed Daddy after her death, I concluded that in several important aspects, she had prepared him for her absence. Though always stoics when it came to death and grief, when our son, Mark, died, my mother realized that our way of grieving was far different than she had ever experienced. She read the same books on grief that I was reading and told my father he needed to read them, too, because, "Chuck and Sharon are not reacting to Mark's death in a way that we would and we need to understand them." (More on that in a later post.) I think her example influenced his response to her death. Instead of stoicly hiding his sorrow, my father openly grieved for my mother. He was unashamed of his tears or to admit that he cried every day in her absence. I think my mother prepared him to grieve openly because she embraced our grief journey though open grieving was foreign to her.
of aging and revel in it. I admit it. That's a tough assignment when our culture idolizes youth with every commercial, movie, television program, magazine. Our culture is not kind to aging women. We hear more and more of how fifty is the new sixty and sixty is the new seventy. What in the world does that mean? Skin care advertisers lie that their products get rid of wrinkles, spots, and puffiness (make sure you read the fine print before you plop down your credit card). I have a friend who told me that Preparation H is perfect for getting rid of puffy eyes....In spite of my drawer full of creams and ointments, every day I can sing, "Morning by morning new wrinkles I see" to the tune of Great is Thy Faithfulness.
The same media and culture idolizes physical beauty and youth. How many times do we see pictures of aging women with the headline, "She Doesn't Look Bad for Sixty!" Or "Seventy" or even "Eighty!" We carefully scrutinize the woman's face, her eyes, hair, complexion and body and compare. How do we measure up? We wonder, would a long lost friend truthfully exclaim, "You look great! You haven't aged a bit!"
giving him trouble, she researched what she could do to protect her own body from succumbing to what seems to be a genetic condition. The message didn't change: Strengthen your core with strength training. Strengthen surrounding muscles and bones with exercise.
Betters and the atmosphere was casual and expectant. One topic led to another until Chuck said, "Ok, let's hear your bucket list goals for 2009." Each spouse shared, some cryptically, others with abandon: better communication, getting priorities on the same page, dealing with a specific sin issue, cultivating closer relationships with extended family, having more "fun!"
will be intentional. Building a strong, godly marriage requires planning, hard work, humility, planning - yes, I said planning twice!
says: for it is written, cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. We have no clue how humiliating the cross was for Christ Jesus--he really did become a curse. He absorbed our wrongs.
Gal 3:13 tells us that Christ died for the accursed.
longer for me to heal: if I ever fully heal. In the meantime, my body is reacting against the trauma. It did so by throwing very dangerous blood clots to my lungs. In other words, the process of recovering from the original wound almost killed me even though I was doing everything I could for my body to heal.
better job of being women (and vice versa, of course but the buck really stops with the men). What does it mean to be a man? Christ is the supreme example. He was strong and He was pure, because His sole aim in life was to be obedient to the Father. His very obedience made Him most manly - responsible, committed, courageous, courteous and full of love. A Christian man's obedience to God will make him more of a man than anything else in the world."
rejection, blame and all that commitment costs.); courtesy (A Christian's rule of life should be: my life for yours.); Purity (He must be master of himself if he is to be the servant of others.).
mother's influence in my life and Val asked, "Have you ever told her yourself?" I guess my silence conveyed my confusion (Me personally contact the renowned Elisabeth Elliot? No way!) because Val continued, "Sharon, my mother doesn't understand why anyone would want to read her books or listen to her speak. She often questions why God has given her this calling and she needs encouragement as much as anyone else. You should write her a note and tell her what you think."

about Valentines Day into our marriage. When I was growing up, on the morning of February 14, I would sometimes wake up to find a small heart shaped box of candy outside my bedroom door. My mother always said it was from my father but sometimes there would be an extra gift that only a mom would think to buy for her daughter. As a young wife, I tried not to let the commercialism of February love raise my expectations of my husband but I wasn't really content to let the holiday go. One year I decided I could still create Valentines Day traditions with our children without seeming to insult Chuck for his lack of recognition of this unashamed attempt by our culture to get us to spend billions of dollars on cards, candy, jewelry and roses. Loves me, loves me not . . .
What does love look like to you? Is it always wrapped up in the gift of a card, jewelry, perfume, sexy lingerie? Or is it better displayed when someone takes out the trash, picks up the dirty clothes, clears the table and cleans up the kitchen, makes the bed, surprises you with your favorite ice cream for no reason at all, lets you pick out the chick flick instead of the war movie, would rather watch the Super Bowl with you than his buddies, sends a card thanking you for your friendship, says "let's order out" or just sits by your side when you're grieving?Definitely loves me.....
love finding the cards I have sent to Chuck tucked away in his dresser or saved in a folder of important papers. Each one reminds us of a moment in time that is forever seared on our hearts and that makes them priceless. I treasure the times Chuck has surprised me with a special gift, a uniquely crafted piece of jewelry, a surprise evening out. Yet without the daily and mundane consistent demonstrations of love that transform a relationship into a majestic lasting friendship these gifts would be worthless baubles. I know this because I have friends whose Valentines Day cards, precious gems, furs and material possessions cover hearts longing for genuine love and respect from their spouses.
excerpt from this message aired on the radio and internet: Seven Life-Changing Principles Every Christian Should Make.
his youth had been "broke, black, and with a baby on the way" and thus never rose above his job at the McCreath body shop. Edward is a four-times-divorced corporate tycoon and eccentric loner.
She didn't giggle nervously as though praying in the middle of a conversation something odd. She just inserted the comment in the middle of her remarks to us and continued on as though talking to Jesus was normal. Which we soon realized, for her, it was. Her private prayer closet intimacy showed through in her daily conversations.
Talking out loud to Jesus, by name, in the middle of a conversation with other human beings, was just as natural to her as breathing. I want my conversations with Jesus to be like hers when I grow up!
a day, every day, at the same time the horns blew to call Moslems to pray. They prayed out loud, loudly, sometimes wailing to God to bring revival to Africa. We didn't understand the language but we understood their hearts. They rocked back and forth, sometimes moaning under their burden for the peace of their local church and the salvation of family members and their country. I want to have that kind of praying heart for the unsaved and for my church.
well as scripture for our church. And here's the second item on my bucket list, memorizing scripture. I hope to memorize one passage a month so that I can pray scripture wherever I am and know that I am praying God's dreams for these people and for our church. Right now I am praying Psalm 122 for our church and our congregation. I am praying Psalm 121 for our new granddaughter, Siddhi, while we wait for her to come home from India and for our grandson, Cori, as he serves in the Navy.
putting a picture of her present forty-pound heavier self next to the previous applause-getting slimmer self on the cover of her magazine, Oprah! She invites millions of people to join her as she once more confronts root issues that keep raising their ugly heads as evidence by her body size. I freely admit, she has my attention! 
