The sudden wave of tears refused to stop as I came out of my oncologist's office after a yearly check up. I had just finished getting an annual mammogram as well. Though I walked quickly, I noticed numerous patients with obvious signs of cancer treatment: the gentleman with a large patch on his face, clearly covering the place where his nose should have been; a daughter helping her unsteady elderly mother walk back to the examining room, a woman wearing a wig that hid the ravages of chemo-therapy. Depressing and all reasons for tears but these were not the reason for my emotions.

Twenty-one years ago this week I left the same oncologist, holding back tears. I left the office with the news that I faced major surgery and an unknown prognosis for aggressive breast cancer. Chuck and I were beginning a journey into the foreign land of cancer totally unprepared for the trip.

We didn't know the language that included frightening words like terminal, chemo-therapy, radiation, needles, monthly hospital stays, side affects, hair loss, nausea, vomiting, depression, mouth sores, and did I mention hair loss and needles?

The journey included four day hospital stays every month for six months, getting hooked up to IV bags of poison designed to kill the rogue cancer cells, poison that also engineered a week of extreme nausea and vomiting, total hair loss, weariness and increasingly wild emotions.

Twenty-one years later, cancer treatment is not as difficult. Medications treat extreme side affects, though they still haven't figured out how to save our hair!

My walk from my oncologist's office to my car is different today. Today I am CANCER FREE!

Today I reminded my oncologist of how grateful I am that God led me to him and that he was aggressive in using cutting edge treatment that killed the cancer in my body. When I told his assistant that I have been coming to see them for twenty-one years, her eyes filled with tears and she agreed that they should put my picture in their office as a symbol of hope for patients just beginning the journey. Vignettes of those first few years mingled with the flowing tears as I walked back to my car. This is a difficult week for our family as we anticipate July 6, the anniversary of the death of our son, Mark. His death overshadows every other dark time in our lives. But this year, God timed my annual check up with the uneasy anticipation of the fifteen-year anniversary of Mark's Homegoing.

He reminded me that twenty-one years ago Chuck and I made the same walk from the oncologist's office to the car and we were frightened of the unknown. We knew that God would not abandon us but the promise of His presence didn't guarantee that He would heal me on this earth. Twenty-one years later, we have experienced great sorrow but we have also embraced great joy in the middle of the darkness. God's plan included victory over the cancer and opportunities to make memories with our growing family. He gave me the privilege of walking through grief with my husband and children so that I could help carry their sorrow and drink more deeply of His faithful love. He gave me the joy of participating in their weddings and welcoming into our family our grandchildren.

I couldn't wait to get home to remind Chuck of this treasure in the darkness. God gave us twenty-one more years together, to learn how to love each other even more every day, to learn together how to reconcile His sovereignty with His love when Mark left our family. He gave us time together to learn how to reflect redemption when our hearts were breaking, how to choose life when death seemed more appealing.

Today I celebrate life, God's sovereign love and the privilege of living for Him in a world that is longing for hope and help. I celebrate because I am seeing Him keep His promise, that what He began in me, He will complete.

Celebrate with me!

In His grip,
Sharon

"Grammy, do you love your hummingbird?" Emma's question reminded me of the warm fuzzy love extended to me on Mother's Day from our grandchildren and their parents. Mother's Day fell on May 11 this year, what would have been our son, Mark's thirty-first birthday. Chuck placed flowers in the church to honor me and to remember Mark. We gave the Mark Betters Christian Character and Church Service award to a special young man who grew up in our church and was graduating from high school.

Our kids gathered at our home after church and served a fabulous meal and filled our house with laughter and joy. The grandkids couldn't wait to give me their specially chosen gifts like the hummingbird wind chime and personally prepared cards and pictures! What fun!

In the middle of the happy chaos, I thought about Mark a lot. I miss him. I sometimes mentally disconnect from the noisy conversations that always accompany our family gatherings as I watch our adult children interact and imagine Mark in the mix. I watch the spouses perfectly chosen by God for our children and I wonder what Mark's wife would have brought to the family. I see our grandkids building strong friendships and I imagine the children Mark might have had. And I miss him. And I long for what might have been.

Though not physically present, the reality of our son or Uncle Mark, as the grands call him, is interwoven throughout the fabric of our family life. It's not unusual for one of the grandchildren to ask me a question about Uncle Mark. Every time one of them looks at his picture in my locket and then smiles knowingly at me before running off with the other kids I sense God hugging me. It's easy for them to comment that their mommy cried while singing a worship song in church "because she was thinking about Uncle Mark" or to ask questions about his likes and dislikes. He's almost as real to them as their other uncles and aunts.

Raucous laughter from the adults or a grandchild's request for special attention brings me back from my musings to the present. Laughter bubbles up and washes away the invisible tears in the secret places of my heart when one of the grands gives me an unexpected hug and whispers, "I love you, Grammy!"

Grief teaches me to listen and watch carefully because when I do I get glimpses of the treasures in the darkness that God places in my pathway to remind me that He knows my longing and He's holding me tightly in His grip. He wants me to expect new blessings every morning.

The first week of July is a tough one for us. But God is already sending me treasures in the darkness, riches stored in secret places designed to remind me that He is my God and He calls me by name. I can see them even through tear-filled eyes. It's up to me if I will choose to let God's treasures help turn my heart toward Him or refuse to embrace the love He is sending my way

What treasure is God sending your way, treasure designed especially for you to help turn your heart toward Him? Encourage me this week with your story of God's faithful love.

In His grip,
Sharon

So right after I hit the "send" button for my last entry, my husband asked me to help him with a plumbing problem. My "help" is acting as "go-fer" and requires waiting for instructions. Such as, "Turn on the water..." "Ok, turn it off." "Turn on the water..." "Ok, turn if off..." "I need my pliers...they're in the garage..." "Ok, turn on the water..." "Ok, turn it off..."

You get the picture. It's a job that gives me plenty of time to think while I'm waiting for direction. And considering that helping solve the problem of a leaking sink was the last thing on my mind when I so wisely concluded that we can control how we spend most of our time, well, my thoughts took a while to get to positive!

And yet, what better place than waiting by the kitchen sink to test out my worldview. My actions and response to circumstances reveal how I view life. Stay with my thought processes for a minute. Though you aren't dealing with the same time issues, this process might help you understand your behavior a little better as well.

168 hours in my week. Helping my husband fix a leaky sink wasn't in my agenda. Interruptions such as a leaky sink give me an opportunity to determine if what I say is a priority - really is. With my mouth I say that loving my husband and reflecting Christ in that love takes priority over every other task before me. When my husband asked me to help him, I could have declined the opportunity to work with him or I could have resentfully accepted the obligation to partner with him in this task, or I could choose to accept this opportunity as God's answer to my morning prayer, "Show me how to love my husband better today than yesterday."

The way I respond to such interruptions is a true picture of what I believe. When we are committed to walking by faith, God's Holy Spirit nudges us when we start going off the track of obedience and reflecting Him. When I respond to His nudge with obedience, His voice is easier to hear the next time. If I ignore Him (and make sure my husband knows how inconvenient it is for me to do such menial tasks), His voice is quieter the next time, and grows more silent with each rebellious attitude.

Getting control of my 168 hours is forcing me to peel back the layers of my worldview. When unplanned tasks disrupt my agenda, I am discovering opportunities to grow in grace and humility by choosing to reflect Christ instead of my own needs or desires. And the Holy Spirit is graciously whispering in my ear gentle reminders of what I say is my life calling - to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

Remember those overflowing closets and cluttered cabinets? I'm committed to cleaning out one drawer or closet every other day until they're all organized. As I straightened our dresser drawers, I thought long and hard about how they reflect my worldview. And I concluded that I was in the process of refining a perfectly acceptable lifelong value that allowed me to ignore clutter while the children were growing up.

Once I get it clear in my head, I'll share that revelation.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Time is like money in the bank. Just like we can break down a dollar into quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, we can break our day into hours, minutes and seconds. We can choose to spend our money however we desire. Although we don't have as much control over how we spend our time, we still make choices on how we will invest many of our hours, minutes and seconds.

I have known this all my life but after that meeting with my friend, I saw my activities, too many tasks on my to do list and self-imposed guilt through a new light. I walked through our backdoor, past the laundry room with piles of clothes waiting to be washed or folded, the powder room that needed some TLC, the pile of unorganized newspaper coupons piled on the kitchen counter, past my new almost unused sewing machine, into our bedroom to change. I pulled out drawers that had given up hope for any order, sighed when I opened my closet and remembered the winter clothes needed to be stored for the summer, quickly jammed shut the bathroom drawer filled with years-old cosmetics, hairpins....Then I walked into my office, sat down at the desk and reviewed all the unfinished ministry tasks. I looked at the pictures of our grandchildren and thought of all the fun things I wanted to do with them that had somehow stayed simmering on the backburner of my daily life.

And instead of feeling the familiar self-recrimination that these vignettes typically produced - that I was just lazy and disorganized.....I remembered what my friend with the 168 hour a week chart told me, "You have to view your time like you would a paycheck designed to pay your bills. If you don't make wise choices with your paycheck, you have to steal from one account to pay another bill. It's the same with time. You say your family and grandchildren are your priority, that you want to write, that deep relationships are critical. Yet you live with a low grade simmering guilt every day because of unfinished tasks. Look at this chart and realize that you are trying to push 336 hours worth of living into 168 hours. You react to opportunities and urgent needs and give them the power instead of pro-actively budgeting your time within the context of your life purpose and values."

This time when I walked past my new sewing machine, I didn't feel like a lazy, undisciplined woman who never follows through with her big ideas. I accepted that I had chosen to spend my time at my desk rather than teaching my granddaughter how to sew. And that I could change that choice just as quickly as I made it. Hope and power over the tyranny of the urgent replaced self-imposed guilt. Someone once said that you can tell what a person's real priorities are by looking at their checkbook. Looking at the way we spend our time is even more revealing.

Viewing the checkbook of my time has brought me up short. Since that conversation, I view my 168 hours quite differently. My first step was to acknowledge that God gave me enough hours every day to accomplish His purposes. I don't need more hours in my day. My second step is to review all my dreams, goals and responsibilities through the grid of my life purpose and personal values.

168 hours...How are you spending yours?

In His Grip,
Sharon

There just aren't enough hours in my day to do everything that needs to be tackled. Wait a minute. God created 24 hours in a day. He knows what I need to do. Perhaps the problem isn't that I don't have enough hours. The problem is that I'm not using the hours wisely.

I recently met with a successful businessman for advice on how to develop MARKINC Ministries. I expected him to help me tweak our vision statement or establish goals. Instead, he started our meeting with an outline of how he imagines I spend the 168 hours God gives me every week. He included getting dressed, eating, sleeping, attending church, etc. He didn't include recreation, taking a daily nap, or anything fun. According to his conclusions, which were pretty accurate, by the time I lived a normal life, I have only a few hours left over every week for my husband and grandchildren. And even then, he had not included everything else I do.

He challenged me to realize that in order to accomplish even a small part of my ministry goals, I had to steal from the priorities I say are important.

His chart began to give me a way to understand why I live in a world of self-imposed guilt and a sense that I constantly fall short of meeting God's expectations, let alone the expectations of others. No one could accomplish my to do list and have any kind of healthy, deep relationships. Something has to give.

168 hours...How are you investing your precious time? Do you regularly steal from the important in order to react to the urgent?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Each detail made the truth more horrifying than the first. A five year old beautiful little girl, adopted into a loving family dedicated to serving Christ - killed by a terrible accident in her own driveway. A family celebrating a graduation, now struggling to understand how such terror forced its way into their home. I have never met the Steven Curtis Chapman family but I know their hearts. I know the mother better than most of her closest friends. I know the unending ache in her chest, the tears that will not stop, the desperate longing for just a few more minutes with her sweet little girl. I know she has just taken the first steps of the longest trail she will ever travel. And yet, as well as I know her sorrow, she carries an even greater burden as she will try to help her son experience God's mercy and comfort in ways few of us will ever need.

Several people have asked if we have sent the Chapman family our book, Treasures in Darkness, or our Loss of a Loved One CD interview. Certainly as God opens up doors, we will offer our encouragement. But for now, this dear family needs to be given the freedom to cry out to God, to lament, to plead for His mercy and comfort, and yes, even and perhaps most of all, to freely admit their disappointment with His plans for them. There will be great expectation in the Christian community for them to step up to the plate and display only strength and deep faith, to never question God's love or presence. I plead with their friends to protect them from such expectations and to guard their need to lament in the wilderness. For it is in the darkness of this frightening place that their understanding of God's love will grow deep and wide.

A friend of Amy Carmichael, missionary to India, once said, "The woman who has no experiences in the dark has no secrets to share in the light." Shortly after the death of our son, Mark, this statement challenged me with a choice. Would I accept midnight sorrow as an opportunity for God to reveal his secrets of the darkness? Or would I refuse to open my eyes and hands to treasures designed to turn my heart toward him? In time, desperation to understand my heavenly Father and experience his power drove me to place my hope in what I know about him, not in what I do not know. That's when I began to more clearly experience the treasures in the darkness and riches stored in secret places.

Learning to see when the lights went out took me back to the foundations of my faith, where I unpacked each belief and examined it through the grid of God's Word. I needed to know that what I had believed and taught for more than twenty-five years was absolute truth. For years and through tear-filled eyes, I searched for God's presence everywhere and in every event. No detail was insignificant. It still isn't.

In an article in Today's Christian Woman, Mary Beth Chapman (http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2003/sepoct/1.40.html) tells the story of adopting two of her children and how their entrance into her life helps her fight clinical depression. I love her honesty in sharing this part of her life. I have to believe that God gave her the courage to share so transparently in preparation for this moment when deep darkness would fall and threaten to pull her down into an endless abyss of despair. Because of her honesty, I'm praying that her closest friends will encourage her to remember God's past faithfulness, but also give her freedom to wail before her God if she is struggling to reconcile His love with His sovereignty.

Grief is hard work. Honest grief can take us deeper into the heart of God than we have ever experienced.

Since 1994 I have wished I could jump over Mother's Day. It's supposed to be a day of honor, remembering our mothers, being remembered by our children. But in May, 1994 remembering only brought deeper sadness and longing for what was. That was the first Mother's Day I experienced without our youngest child, Mark. Mark was born on May 11, 1977. He died in a car accident on July 6, 1993. The year of 1994 was a year of dreading every morning and every night. Mother's Day and his birthday all at the same time seemed more than I could bear.

Almost fifteen years later, I still weep over missing Mark. My sadness embraces others on Mother's Day. When I think of Mark on Mother's Day, I also think of my friend, Judy, especially when I see glimpses of her sweet, gentle spirit in her girls and our grandchildren. I held back tears this morning when I sent a Mother's Day email card to my two daughters-in-law, who have missed their mother, Judy, since her death in 1989.

Mother's Day...a day that brings great joy to the first time mommy and great grief to the woman who cannot conceive. A day of satisfaction for the mother whose children are living by faith, a day of deep pain to the mother whose child not only rejects her faith but also her mom. A day of fun for the mommy whose children bring her breakfast in bed. A day of deep loneliness for the mommy who will never see her child again on this earth. A day of contentment for the mom who looks down the church pew at her husband and beautiful children. A day of isolation for the woman who will never bear children or sits in church with her children - alone.

For me, this is a day of choices that are more easily made than they were in 1994. It's a day I miss my son but no more than I typically miss him. And it's a day I thank God for the blessings of sixteen years with Mark. Today I will choose a rose bush to plant in his name, as I have every year since his Homegoing. Last year the rose's name was Lasting Peace. This year, I hope to find one that reminds me of God's faithful love.

It's a day I look forward to spending time with our other children and receiving lots of hugs and kisses from our grandchildren. I will hold them close and absorb the life that flows freely from their hearts into mine. And it's a day I will be more sensitive to those around me whose hearts are breaking because this day of all days reminds them of what they do not have.

I think of the new young widow and the mom whose daughter died a few months ago. I think of the mom who took her own life and the one who faces her first Mother's Day after a miscarriage. I think of the mom whose daughter refuses to surrender to God's love and intentionally hurts her mother at every opportunity.

But then I will remember how God used the clouds of grief in my life as His chariot and how He charged through the dark sky and held me tightly in His grip as I struggled to reconcile His sovereignty and His love. And I will pray for each of these women to experience the swoosh of the chariot as God rides deep into their hearts and encourages them to trust Him with their disappointments.

Mother's Day. A day to remember. To remember, God is sovereign and we can trust Him.

In His Grip,

Sharon

What pleasures drive my disobedience? This question cannot be quickly answered. Though I'm eager to move past this "If Then" pathway of my journey, I recognize the need to sit on a spiritual bench and take stock of the scenery. The scriptures confirm my conclusion that self-pleasure drives my sinful behavior. The patriarch Moses "chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt...." Hebrews 11:25-26a. And Titus 3:3: At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.

And perhaps the most revealing of all, Luke 8:14: The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature.

Again, I ask myself, what pleasures are driving disobedience and in addition, stifling my growth as a child of God (and they do not mature).

I know that growing in Christ brings great blessing. What blessings am I missing because of deep rooted sin habits that I have chosen to allow to grow?

Yes, this is a painful process.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Ok, so the first week of Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor challenges me to identify specific sins and to create a plan of action. If a certain circumstance occurs that tempts me to sin, then I will respond in a specific way. My response to this assignment looks like this, "If I am confronted with someone else's conflict, I will refuse to draw conclusions based on the presenting person's words. Instead I will withhold judgment and encourage the speaker to go back to the person with whom they are in conflict and try to resolve the issues between the two of them."

What sin am I putting off? Listening to a bad report and impulsively judging another's heart and behavior. What behavior am I putting on? Refusing to enter into another's conflict and challenging the people involved to resolve their differences biblically rather than adding fire to the conflict with gossip.

Just slapping on a new behavior will not result in a new heart. I am convinced that I must identify the part of my worldview that is flawed before I will see genuine behavioral change in any area of my life.

Breaking sin habits is tedious and hard. Sometimes it's even boring because there is no magic pill. I must follow my choice to change with action. But the harder part is digging into the root of the thinking that drives my actions.

I must identify and admit the pleasure I gain from this particular sin.

In 2 Timothy 3:1-4 is a list of sins of the "last days." Paul, the writer of this passage ends this list with identifying the root thinking that drives these sins: People are lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.

Again, ouch. It's painful to admit that when faced with a choice to either obey (reflect Christ) or disobey (sin), pleasure derived from the sin drives my choice in areas unchanged by Christ's presence. My mind quickly sorts through my options and weighs my behavior on my pleasure scales. If I am to really see change, I must be honest about why I choose evil.

This exercise is getting painful.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Ok, so when I started this journey, I expected to identify specific sins so that I could conquer each one within the next 4 weeks. Instead, God is using David's anguished repentance to teach me how to grow deeper in love with Jesus and see that love flow through my every day life.

Now I'm ready to tackle specific sins - right, God?

Once more, God surprises me by taking me in a different direction than I expected. The assignment in the first chapter of Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor is to read Ephesians 4:17-24. It's a classic passage on repentance: put off sin, put on righteousness. But there is a little phrase in this passage that I often forget and it's the key to lasting change in my life. It's the challenge to "be made new in the attitude of your minds." Based on my own life experience with obedience, my worldview drives my actions. When I find it difficult to break a sin habit, I need to identify what it is about the sin that gives me more pleasure than obedience will give. Ouch.

So, when I regularly let the sun go down on my anger and continually fail to resolve conflicts immediately, I must dig deep into my soul to find out what attitude is driving such sinful behavior. What pleasure am I getting from holding on to anger? We continue in sin because the pleasure of the sin is greater than the pleasure of God's favor. So when I identify judging others as a sin habit I want to change, I probably won't have much success until I also identify why I enjoy judging others rather than thinking the best of them. What pleasure do I receive in speaking evil of another? What pleasure does gossip give that is greater than the pleasure of using my words to build up another?

What attitude must change so that my behavior will change?

When someone brings a negative report about another person to me, why do I tend to react as though the report is true rather than remembering Proverbs 18:17: The first to present his case seems right, til another comes forward and questions him.

What pleasure do I gain by believing the worst rather than choosing to withhold judgment until I have all the facts?

Help me out, sisters.

Why do I speak before thinking? Why do I struggle with jumping to conclusions? What is the remedy?

Change the attitude of my mind, Oh Lord.

In His Grip,
Sharon

David says that his sin is always before him (Psalm 51:3). I feel his pain. I can barely function when I know that my actions have hurt someone I love. How do I "un-sin" my relationship to them? I can try to undo the pain of my sin, try to fix broken relationships. But just like I can't put toothpaste back in the tube, I can't take back the hurtful words or even lack of words.

Think of it, David lived with the murder of one of his key leaders. He lived with the consequences of adultery. Though God "un-sinned" him through forgiveness, David's life was characterized by chaos and family feuds...the consequences of his sin. Yet, God calls him a man after His own heart.

How can this be? Grace, grace, God's grace. There is hope for me, too. How does God want me to tap into this amazing grace? With the sacrifice of a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:16-17) that is reflected by my thank offerings, my dependence on His love, and trust in His Help (Psalm 50:14, 15). My heart is overflowing with the renewed revelation of God's longing for me to relate to Him on the most personal level. Every time I acknowledge His faithfulness and every time I depend on Him, I am giving a thank offering in which He delights.

I think about how much I want my husband to depend on me, to trust me to meet his needs wherever possible. And I want him to know how much I love him, to tell me he sees the love I'm expressing in my behavior toward him. The more he acknowledges my love, the more I want to show him my love.

Oh my, knowing my own heart needs in my marriage, I can see more clearly why God desires to receive thank offerings from me and how those offerings actually ignite His power in my life. This is really more than I can get my hands around but it's driving me deeper into His heart.

What about you, my friend? What is God teaching you on this spiritual pathway? What is soaking in Psalm 51 revealing about your own heart? Your lessons learned will help me keep on keeping on.

In his Grip,
Sharon

Soaking in Psalm 50 and 51 reminds me that God desires and yes, requires from me - thank offerings that express how I can call on Him in times of trouble and know He will hear and help me (Psalm 50:14). He requires thank offerings that honor Him and prepare the way for me to see Him and His salvation (Psalm 50: 23). At first glance the word "requires" evokes a rebellious response. It felt like a rule (religion) when I'm seeking relationships. So I dug deeper and again read and re-read the passages, cross referencing to other similar scriptures. Slowly, God opened my eyes to the treasure of His love in this "requirement." It was and continues to be a stunning moment for me to realize that God requires such an offering because He WANTS me, He LONGS for me to know how much He loves me and that He's always there for me. How can this be? Such a thought removes the "legalism" from this sacrifice. It is not out of obligation but flows from a love relationship.

The thank offerings are not for His sake as much as for my good so that I am constantly aware of His presence and faithfulness.

I understand better that He longs for me to offer Him a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:16, 17). In obedience to this requirement, I am reading Psalms as prayers of praise. By reading them out loud and personalizing them they remind me of God's sovereign love, His great gift of Jesus, that I can trust Him. The requirement is slowly becoming a key that opens my mind to new insights into my Father's character. Beginning each day with praise for Him on my lips is slowly turning my response to life's messy places into an altar that reflects my dependence on Him and trust that He is ever present.

Where are you in this journey? As you start each day with a sacrifice of praise, how is it changing your perspective? Can you share an example?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Birthdays have never bothered me. Getting older is normal and according to scripture, a reason to celebrate wisdom rooted in walking with Christ. But my sixtieth birthday caught my attention like no other. Since that moment I have been evaluating my own life calling and how to finish life well.

Over the next four weeks I am embarking on a spiritual journey that is part of my evaluation and I invite you to join me in my quest for exactly how to reflect grace and the character of God in every day life. This is an arduous pathway. There is no shortcut to the finish line. I am finding huge boulders that must be removed. Good intentions cover piles of trash that I must sift through in order to find the hidden treasure of how to go to bed each night, free of guilt over undone tasks and untended relationships.

Last week my husband, Chuck, challenged our congregation that it's time to get back to the basics of cultivating intimacy with Christ in a way that changes our every day lives. He asked how many of us had prepared for corporate worship vs. coming to church. Then he urged us to soak in Psalm 51 every day with the expectation that God would strip away our pride in our works and reveal what He desires as a heart sacrifice. He warned us that we might be in for a difficult journey as God's Word confronted sin and instructed us to follow up with time in Philippians, especially chapter 4, as a salve for the spiritual surgery of Psalm 51.

So the first leg of my journey is soaking in Psalm 51 in preparation for working through a little book by Jay Adams, Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor (available through P & R Publishing).

Every day for a week I read, reread and read again Psalm 51. Because I'm familiar with this passage, I had to force myself to stay focused and open to personal application. I cross-referenced to Psalm 50 where I saw the same call to repentance of pretense, i.e. religious pride rooted in rules rather than relationship. I love that David saw repentance as a roadway to cultivating intimacy with His God and with others. He asks God to "un-sin" him (Psalm 51:2), to pour out His grace and restore the joy of intimacy with Him. THEN, after putting off sin and putting on the joy of reconciliation with His God, THEN, David will teach others about this amazing grace.

Will you join me in this journey? Start with Psalm 51 and follow up with Philippians 4. If you travel with me, we can help each other stay the course.

Leaving a comment is easy and your insights will help me to open my eyes to God's truth.

In His Grip,
Sharon

My friend and I talked quietly as we walked toward her bedroom. I knew I was on holy ground because supernatural grace flowed from her as she lived out the sovereignty of God in this very difficult pathway of life. Her young husband would soon be gone, his body taken by cancer, his soul carried by Christ's sacrifice into the presence of his savior. His fourteen-month battle against this terrible disease was ending yet there was no blanket of doom suffocating this household. I commented on the courage and strength they reflected and she responded, "I'm following my husband's example. Even with every bit of bad news he kept his sense of humor and strong faith that God is sovereign and we can trust Him. That doesn't mean we don't cry but right now I will be for him what he needs. He has a strong legacy of praying women that have guided us. I wish you could have known his grandmother. I know her prayers protected our marriage. In fact, when she died I knew there was a hole in our protection - I could feel it. And you've met his mother. You can see her faith."

I understood my friend's description of the hole in our umbrella of protection created by the deaths of faithful prayer warriors. I think of my friend, Thelma, who told me that she prayed every morning for our family. Thelma died about two years ago and after almost thirty years of having this precious woman quietly praying every day, I felt more vulnerable to the enemy's attacks. I once approached two older men in our church and asked them to pray for our son, Chuck, as he embarked on his new ministry position. They walked every morning and smiled at my request, saying, "We already do. And for your husband and you and each member of your family." When John died, I again felt a weakening in the fabric of our spiritual protection.

The greatest rip in our umbrella of prayer came when God came for my mother. When long term illness forced her to spend many hours in her bedroom, isolated from her children and grandchildren, she would sometimes express her disappointment that she didn't have purpose anymore. Yet when we walked through some of the toughest years in our lives, she was growing deep roots in Christ through praying for us. We have a long letter she wrote to my husband when we faced terrible church conflict. She didn't say she was praying for the conflict to be over but rather that she was praying for Chuck to reflect Christ in every way. Because of his deep respect for her, he knew this was a message from God and recommitted himself to godliness when his natural response was to angrily react.

Amy Carmichael, missionary to India, often struggled in a bed of physical pain and weakness. She said that when people told her that maybe God put her there so that she could pray she knew they didn't understand the hard work of prayer. Real prayer exhausts the pray-er so praying in a bed of illness is even more precious to those being prayed for. My mother's prayers for us transformed her bedroom into a sanctuary of worship. And her time with God through His Word transformed her into a woman whose last prayer, the last night of her life, was, "Be at peace once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to me." Yes, when she left, we all felt spiritually vulnerable.

I miss you, Mommy. And my heart's desire is to mend the hole in our prayer umbrella by continuing your legacy of protecting our family through the gift of talking with God.

What is your legacy, my friends? Tell us about your praying mother or grandmother.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Can you relate to this woman's description of her grave disappointment with a turn in her life that took her in a totally different direction than she wanted to go?

Funny how when people ask me, 'Why would God do that?' my first gut reaction is to impatiently retort, 'just trust Him, He knows better than you do, and He has a plan...' but now that I'm in this situation where my friend and I did EVERYTHING RIGHT and nothing is going the way we hoped, all I can think is, 'how would it not work out? We did everything right!' Knowing He knows me better than I do, and He has a better plan, well that doesn't really make it easy, and certainly doesn't bring me comfort right now...

This is my edited response. As one who tried to do "everything right" and then faced the loss of her son, I feel your pain in wrestling with God. Remember that you did everything right in order to determine God's purposes and plans for your life. Apparently the process you chose is indicating that at least for now, God's plan is different than your desire. God is using the process you chose to answer your prayers. Doing everything right doesn't always give us the result we were hoping for. When it doesn't we find out just how submitted we really are to the sovereignty of God. It's easy to challenge others to trust Him when the desires of our heart are all in place and obeying God is uncomplicated. Submission when His practical plans take us in a different direction, well, that challenges our natural response and is an opportunity for God to transform our minds into His mind. And the battle is even more fierce when we like to be in control and are accustomed to getting what we want!

It will take time for the inflammation to go down so that real healing can begin. And yet, when the inflammation goes down, the real pain sets in.

You remember Job's devastation when everything he loved was taken from him. Though we often hear about the patience of Job, a closer look at his response to deep loss reveals a man who wrestled with God in order to rest in His sovereignty. Job actually states that it's his wrestling that brings him into the presence of God. I have found that when I'm wrestling with disappointment, there is an intimacy with Christ that far surpasses the intimacy I feel when all is well with the world. It's not a place I enjoy, but I miss it when my wrestling is resolved. Hard to explain but if you don't know what I mean right now, you will because your ultimate passion is to reflect God's glory in all you do.

You are not comforted by God's sovereignty at this moment, but you will be, because it's only in His sovereignty that life makes sense - when life doesn't make sense.

I'm so sad you are hurting when it seems life should be so perfect. Yet, I'm also kind of glad because I know the pain will give you exactly what your ultimate hunger is - your pain will drive you into the heart of God. He isn't afraid of your confusion or your disappointment with Him, in fact He invites your questions and encourages you to crawl right up into His lap and let Him hold you tightly while you pound on His chest. There's comfort in that picture - and oh by the way, if you feel like His lap is a little crowded at times, well, that elbow in your side is probably mine!

In His Grip,
Sharon

I try hard to be a mother-in-law our children enjoy having around. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my role but a very godly, wise woman farther along in life's journey recently showed me the meaning of sacrificing self in respect of a deeper bond than mother and child. Her fifty-five year old son was dying and his wife was speaking to us about some of his final wishes. We could tell that one was particularly troubling to his mother. Chuck asked, her, "What do you think about this? I have a feeling you have a pretty strong opinion that's different from his." She paused and then smiled as she responded, "I could have an opinion, yes. But I'm not going to."

There was nothing in her tone that communicated anger or that her desires should have had a greater influence. She had already expressed her concerns to her daughter-in-law and how it was time to let her son and his wife have the final word. Her reply indicated her heart's desire to remove any unnecessary stress from her daughter-in-law who would soon be a widow. What a gift she gave to her son's wife.

I couldn't help but think of the many women who refuse to recognize the primacy of the marriage relationship, who will not keep quiet when decisions should be the responsibility of her child and his or her spouse.

During a few minutes alone with this precious mother, I commented on her daughter-in-law's earlier description of her singing and talking to her son as he lay in a coma. She quietly shared, "I told him he has run a good race, fought a good fight, and walked the path of faith - he has finished well."

I couldn't stop my tears as I said, "I think of you giving birth to your son fifty-five years ago. And just as you delivered him into this world then, you're now helping usher him back into heaven. What a gift you are giving by transforming your grief into a chariot that is helping carry your son into the presence of God."

Thank you, precious friend, for showing me how to live out God's sovereign love, even when delivering a child into the arms of God.

In His Grip,
Sharon

The media headlines in America sound like a warning signal from God to His people from Galatians 6:1: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."

Last year New Jersey's Governor McGreevy admitted to his homosexuality and stepped down from his office. Last week, New York's Governor Spitzer stepped down from his office after being exposed as having an $80,000 relationship with high-priced call girls. New York's new governor and his wife publicly admitted to marital infidelity during a rocky point in their own marriage. The new governor stated that the lives of politicians is a reflection of every day Americans. In other words, though their infidelity might be stunning, their struggles are normal. I know he's right. Sadly.

As a Christian, I try to read the headlines and hear the news through the grid of scripture. What is God saying through these events? The details are sordid and titillating. Every news show is showcasing marriage counselors, psychiatrists, counselors and so-called experts, in particular those who have written books on marital infidelity.

They all try to answer this question. Why would a man who has everything - a beautiful wife, lovely children, money, a position of influence and power - risk it all for moments of physical pleasure? I have another question. What moves a woman to enter into such betrayal with a man?

One psychologist stated that there are two characteristics that are dominant in people who cheat (and yes, let's call it what it is, cheating). These people are typically impulsive and narcissistic. Their own pleasure takes precedence over the needs of their spouses and children. When given an opportunity to satisfy their pleasure, they react impulsively without thought for the long range consequences of their behavior. (Sounds like a definition of all sin.)

Another expert said that men and women are designed to procreate so men are always looking for a younger woman who can bear children and women are always looking for men who will protect them and have the means to provide for children (thus the attraction of older, financially, mature men to younger women).

Let's not forget marital boredom and unmet emotional needs.

One interviewer noted that it seems all of this discussion about reasons for marital betrayal is creating a climate of permissiveness and acceptance of marital infidelity. The expert responded that though these might be driving forces for cheating, people have inhibitions that protect families. He suggested that most people still care about their reputations (apparently some powerful people do not, a la Mr. Spitzer and Mr. McGreevy) and that would be enough to curtail such destructive behavior.

Let's get real. People commit adultery because they are sinners. The biblical template for marriage is one woman, one man, one lifetime. There's a reason for God's plan. One is that biblical marriage is to reflect the relationship of Christ to His church. God created us with a need to feel safe and He says we are safe in His presence. Among many other things, marriage should make a husband and wife feel safe.

Adultery creates havoc with that safety.

I've held broken women in my arms as they have tried to put into words the raw anguish of betrayal. The countenance of Mrs. Spitzer when her husband announced his resignation is a familiar one that reflects the terrible damage that betrayal causes. One of Mr. Spitzer's aides said that when he saw Mrs. Spitzer's face, he knew the cheating was true. I've seen a young woman's face become old within seconds when she learns about her husband's betrayal.

But I've also seen the broken heart of a husband who suddenly realizes what he has done and his desperation to win back his wife's love and trust. And I've had the privilege of walking toward restoration with broken couples and seeing the power of God's grace to redeem the pain of sin.

So what's my take away point for this entry? Sisters, listen to me. Men commit adultery with women. Are you one of those women? When you are with another woman's husband, are you thinking about his wife? Chuck and I have heard almost unbelievable rationalization for adultery that started with emotional affairs. (As long as we're not having sex, we're doing nothing wrong. I'm not trying to take him away from his wife, just enjoying his attention. We're just friends. God brought us together to encourage one another. God wants me happy. He makes me happy. How could something that feels so good be sinful? And then there's the oldest line in the book: He understands me in a way my husband doesn't.)

Write this down in your journal. If you are committing adultery, admit you know you are helping this man destroy another woman's life. At least be honest before God and yourself that you are intentionally breaking up another woman's home. Do NOT use the excuse that you didn't cause the problems and therefore, you hold no culpability for the destruction of their home. If there are children, admit you are intentionally helping this man create massive problems and life-long heartbreak for his children.

All the psycho mumbo jumbo are worthless platitudes to the children in broken homes.

In this very moment, memories of women shattered by their husbands' betrayal are flashing across my mind: and I can barely stand the pain of their faces.

Please, sisters in Christ, do not listen to the whispers of the enemy. Run, run, run away from any relationship that tempts you to violate another woman's marriage or yours. You have a choice to obey God and trust HIM to meet the desires of your heart in a way that reflects His principles and values. Your happiness does not rest with a man who would betray his wife and children to be with you. If he is unfaithful to his present wife, you will never trust him to be faithful to you.

Redeeming such situations are like trying to unravel bowls of cooked spaghetti. The place to start is with biblical principles no matter how impossible they appear to keep. Start with the first one in God's commandments: You will have no other gods before me. Recognize that when you choose adultery, you are worshiping the idol of self, not God.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Imagine that as you turn to leave your friend's bedroom after putting your coat on her bed, you notice a beautiful pin on her dresser. "Aha!" you think. "That's exactly what I've been looking for to go with my new outfit for Saturday's party. I'll just borrow it and then return it later. She has so much jewelry, she won't miss it." You slip the pin into your pocket but never ask for your friend's permission to wear it. The pin completes your outfit and you procrastinate giving it back because you enjoy the compliments you receive while wearing it. Months later you run into your friend at a party. Your smile freezes when she exclaims, "Where did you get that pin? My husband gave me one just like it but told me it was unique, that no one else has one like it but yours is an exact match... I've been so upset because I can't find it. He's really disappointed, too."

Slowly your friend realizes that the pin you're wearing is hers. You hand it back and know by the look in her eyes that your friendship is probably over. Instead of admitting your sin and apologizing, you rationalize away your guilt and conclude that she's selfish. You think, "It wasn't like I was going to keep it - she has so much. What's the big deal!"

Of course, this scenario is silly. Yet, how many women meet appropriate emotional needs inappropriately by "borrowing" another woman's husband? And how many rationalize their behavior by saying, "I'm not trying to have an affair. Her husband just understands me so much better than mine. I'm not trying to steal him from her. She has so much......what's the big deal?"

Relational boundary lines have grown fuzzier as the "mind and heart" of our culture has minimized integrity, faithfulness, and respect for marriage. If our view of marriage is fuzzy, then it's easier to rationalize "borrowing" emotional intimacy from a man who was not designed by God to meet our emotional needs.

As long as there's no physical intimacy, what's the danger of such relationships with men married to another woman? When a woman looks to anything outside of her marriage to meet needs that are to be met by God or her husband, then the one designed to meet those needs (God or her husband if she is married) gets squeezed out of the picture. There's no urgency to pursue intimacy with her husband or her God if another is filling the unmet desires.

How do you know if you have crossed a line? Review the questions in my previous entry. Consider also how willing you would be to give up that relationship if your husband or the man's wife expressed discomfort. If you have concluded you are or are in danger of sliding into an inappropriate online relationship, your actions need to follow your mind. Take these hard steps:

1. Admit your motives are impure and ask God's forgiveness.
   
2. Confess your sin to a trusted friend who now has permission to hold you accountable for ending the relationship.
   
3. Prayerfully consider confessing to your husband with the goal of committing to the hard work of building a strong marriage.
   
4. Immediately end your online relationship by blocking email from your online friend.
   
5. If necessary, change your email address. It's worth the trouble of sending out a new one to your friends and family. Remove all reminders of him from your desk, computer, your life.
   
6. Put on a renewed commitment and behavior that reflect your desire for your husband if married.
   
7. Wash your mind with God's truth about marriage.
   
8. Put your emotional energy into building safe, healthy, godly relationships.

In His Grip,
Sharon

"Something told me to check his email and there it was - evidence that my husband had an online relationship with one of my friends. I was stunned by the flirting and flattery. They both insisted they were innocent and I was the one with the problem. But I know unfaithfulness when I experience it."

Over the past few years, Chuck and I have listened to women share too many of these stories. They go like this: A wife has a sixth sense that her husband is emotionally involved with another woman. He denies any wrong-doing. She feels guilty for suspecting him but can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. Then an instant message meant for her husband crosses the computer when she's online or she "accidentally" stumbles on email or text messages that reveal a familiarity that feels invasive and unsettling. Her husband and his online pal usually deny any wrong-doing, protesting that they are just friends. He refuses to end the communication, claiming his wife is possessive, obsessive and needs to grow up. As terrific as email and online communication is, there is a downside that can start out innocently yet slowly begins a slippery slope into emotional adultery and sometimes continues into physical adultery with the end result of destroyed marriages.

How do you know if you're the other woman or in danger of becoming the other woman in this tech-based emotional adultery? Honestly answer these questions:

• Do you check your email frequently, hoping to see his name?
  
• Do you regularly glance at your instant message buddies to see if he's online?
  
• Does your stomach flutter when you see his name?
• Do you open his email before you open anyone else's?
• Do you look for excuses to "stop by his electronic desk," sending quick messages, hoping to engage him in a longer conversation?
• Do you try to catch him online, instant messaging throughout the day or night?
• If you're married, can your husband access your email at any time?
• Would you be embarrassed if your husband read the emails you are exchanging with the other man? What about the other man's wife?
• Would a friend who knows you well pick up on the emotional undercurrent of your communications?
• Do you get up in the middle of the night to see if he's sent you a message?
• When you're online, do you listen for your husband so you can hide emails or instant messaging from him?
• Would you telephone him for the same reason you're instant messaging, i.e. just to chat or catch up? What if his wife answered the call?
• Would you be comfortable with his wife knowing you're "talking" to her husband at 1 o'clock in the morning, 11 o'clock at night or throughout the day?
  
  Sadly, technology has given us the freedom to jump from a casual relationship into intimacy very quickly. Sisters, think carefully about the lives you are destroying with such a casual attitude toward another sister's marriage. Next time we'll talk about how women get into these relationships and how to get out of them.

  What are your thoughts? Are you or have you been the online "other woman?" With what results? Your mistakes and lessons learned might help another woman stop her downward emotional adultery slide before it causes grave sorrow in another woman's life.

  Until next time - may you experience the treasure of God's presence as you walk by faith today.

  In His Grip,
  Sharon