Sin takes on different form in each of our lives but some sins wreak a horizontal havoc that is an ever widening circle of grief and destruction, especially behavior that betrays human trust and children's safety in their homes. Adultery is such a sin. This post is for women who are committing adultery or flirting with the possibilities. I have addressed this topic in previous posts but in light of the past two weeks of confessions from two self-proclaimed family oriented public figures, out of love for my covenant family, I am pleading once more with adulterous women to consider carefully the consequences of their betrayal of another woman.

And that is my question. Please, please help me understand how you can intentionally destroy another woman's life by committing adultery with her husband? I wish you could see my face and hear the sorrow in my question rather than condemnation and judgment. Elizabeth Edwards asked the same question about the other woman in her husband's life - how can one woman do this to anther woman? My heart sunk when Governor Sanford, a professing Christian, confessed his adulterous relationship with a woman in Argentina. What struck me was his priority to protect the specialness of his relationship to this woman, saying that they had a precious friendship for eight years that "sparked" into something more about a year ago. Like so many others caught in adultery, he stated that they never intended for this to happen. True confession on my part - instead of sympathy for Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery, my jaded thoughts were, "If the truth is ever told, he will confess that he knew eight years ago that he wanted this woman in a way that was outside of marriage. He will confess that all along his attraction to her was more than friendship and that instead of running away from temptation as God commands us to do, Mark Sanford rationalized that he could handle a close relationship with this woman."

And sure enough, what Mark Sanford and "Maria" thought were private, intimate love notes now are public evidence of a long term sensuous relationship. Emails meant for their eyes only are now part of Internet history. In the context of one romantic, intimate email Governor Sanford proclaims to his adulterous partner that he knew when he first met her that she was special.

The more the press gleefully exposes , the more clearly we see scriptural truth played out in front of our eyes. We can't believe how irrationally Governor Sanford behaved, in particular taking off for Argentina to meet with his partner in adultery without regard for the affairs of State to which he had been elected. And yet scripture clearly outlines the way that adulterers step by step lose common sense and rational thinking. The slope of adultery is slippery indeed.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." (Proverbs 5:1 - 14)

Please know that I do not want to be one more person who is shaking her head and tsk, tsking in condemnation. God doesn't waste any of our mistakes or sinful choices. Exposed sin in public figures must drive us to acknowledge, "There but for the grace of God go I.." We pray that the Sanfords can find their way back to each other and that their family legacy will be one of redemption and forgiveness. Mark Sanford's fall ought to be a teaching moment for us. The enemy is patient, like a lion, stalking his prey, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. Eight years of long distance "friendship" was a smoldering fire waiting to explode. Teaching Moment: Is there a "friendship" in your life that you need to re-examine in light of this sad tale?

Others have already begun to diagnose the reasons Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery committed such a heinous betrayal of Jenny Sanford. I've heard "experts" whitewash and excuse this sinful behavior by saying that some men are wired for such risk-taking, that their testosterone drives their foolish decisions, but that they really still love their wives. These "experts" need to have a sit down with God on this one. "You shall not commit adultery... Teaching Moment: In case you are trying to rationalize what adultery means, let me make it more clear - no emotional adultery, either. You shall not steal [another woman's husband]... You shall not covet your neighbor's wife [or husband]...

Girls, you will meet, if you haven't already, men who belong to other women who you wish you could have as your own. Teaching Moment: As soon as you have that thought, run away from the relationship. As soon as you think, "He's such a good guy and his wife mistreats him....I can make up for his wife's short fallings by being his friend....." run faster from that relationship. Adulterers and adulteresses are steeped in deception and cannot be believed. Initially, they lie to themselves. Some women color their emotional adultery by pretending to care about the man's wife and children. Teaching Moment: Hear me on this. The truth is if you are flirting with a married man, you do NOT care about his wife and children, nor do you care for him. Mark Sanford himself admitted that if he really cared for this other woman, he wouldn't have involved her in circumstances that had no future except humiliation and devastation. Before you prepare your emotional defense of such behavior, remember that I'm only the messenger. God has already made it clear that adultery destroys people and cuts the nerve of a marriage.

Ultimate Teaching Moment: If you are involved in adultery, repent of your sin and get help now. Remember, repentance is a two-fold process - we must put off the adultery and put on our husbands. God can redeem the pain but you must start with repentance. The longer you allow it to continue the more you risk ever understanding God's love and forgiveness. Over the years I have pleaded with adulterous women to repent. I have begged them to see Jesus' love and for His glory to walk in holiness. Sadly, few listen. Repentance drives us to the Cross where we will find the greatest love that paid dearly to redeem us from the pit.

If you have experienced that kind of forgiveness, there is a woman who needs to hear your story. You can email me anonymously through this blog or with your contact information through Sharon.betters@markinc.org. And if you are a victim of adultery, perhaps your story will help open the eyes of the "other woman" that God is calling to repentance.

For more on how to resist the temptation of adultery, check out Chuck's messages, The Myth of the Greener Grass.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Ok, Girls, I need your help. If you could ask another woman, in particular a woman further along in life's journey, one life question what would it be? I will share those questions with the women in the summer class I will start teaching on July 5. And I will share the questions and answers in this blog over the summer months. My working title for the class is: Life Lessons My Mother(S) Taught Me: Live, Laugh, Love, Learn, Leave a Legacy.

This class will be a sort of "group mentoring" where attendees will not only hear the Word but we will also hear from women who will share their own life stories of how God has brought spiritual mothers and sisters alongside of them. In Titus 2 the Apostle Paul tells Pastor Titus to equip the older women to teach the younger women how to reflect Christ in their daily lives. In keeping with that model, I've asked Chuck to join us at the end of class to answer a different life question each week.

We don't want to answer questions no one is asking so if you could ask an older woman any question, what would it be? And what life question would you like to ask the pastor? Send me your questions at Sharon.betters@markinc.org.

We'll share some of the questions and answers on future blogs.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

In His Grip,
Sharon

A friend showed me what walking by faith looks like when your heart is broken. Unless God gave me grace, I couldn't do what she did. My own heart agreed with her cries, "This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to do this! How can I? I can't! I can't!"

I wanted to tell her, "Then don't. I agree with you - this isn't fair. Your enemy doesn't deserve grace." But I couldn't join her obedience resistance because Jesus had already given her marching orders. His call was clear. Forgive.

Someone has said that choosing not to forgive is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. What a picture of bitterness. Bitterness steals peace. No peace means no rest.

Forgiveness requires walking by faith. Walking by faith requires doing what doesn't come naturally and goes against every normal response.

A few months ago I joined a Body Pump class at our local YMCA. Fortunately, a friend warned me to start out slowly because after her first class she could not move without crying. I thought I had heeded her advice but the next day I moaned with every step to the point that my husband rushed to my side to help me. "Don't pay attention to my cries. It's just that every muscle in my body is screaming in rebellion over that exercise class!" Our daughter Heidi told me I had to go back and work through the pain. Because I've seen the results of physical perseverance in her life, I followed her orders. I forced my body to surrender to the stretching and weight lifting and push ups. Slowly the muscles got the message and stopped screaming for relief.

The first steps of forgiveness often result in the same kind of emotional and spiritual pain. Dormant spiritual muscles wail, "NO, NO, NO! This HURTS!!" We might conclude that such pain means we shouldn't go forward. But my friend taught me that instead of stopping and going backward, we need to adjust our pace and give ourselves permission to take tinier steps. But we can't stop. What does forgiveness look like and how do we get there? It's different for each situation except for the first step of choosing to obey God's call to forgive. We find the power to forgive by looking at the cross and seeing our enemy through the eyes of Jesus.

As I watched the miracle of grace transform my dear friend into a woman of strength, I envied the miracle of grace I saw in her. But I also knew that unless God gave me similar grace, I could never take the steps I witnessed her take. Forgiveness required her to die to self and put aside her own sense of justice and need for vengeance. She recognized her inability to make hard choices and surrendered her will to wise counselors whose wisdom came from scripture. Emotional and physical exhaustion followed her obedience because her surrender to God's ultimate glory took every ounce of strength to break through the shell of bitterness wrapped around her soul. I saw hope in her eyes for the first time since the betrayal. In that moment she experienced supernatural power she didn't know resided in her soul. She also recognized that this one step was the first of many more difficult moments toward healing and reconciliation.

Trusting God's wisdom and perfect love equips us to obey in the hard moments. But then we must trust again in the obedience. We must trust Him with the outcome of our obedience. And then what do we do when our obedience brings about the very thing we were trying to escape...

In His Grip,
Sharon

I think the hymn writer got it wrong. The title Trust and Obey really should read, Trust and Obey AND TRUST.

Because sometimes God calls us to impossible tasks and our obedience seems ludicrous. When our sixteen-year-old son was killed in a car accident, I knew God's expectations of me were impossible. I could not survive. I would not survive. I wasn't finished being Mark's mother. This was outrageous. I concluded that if I started screaming and refused to stop, someone would realize a terrible mistake had been made and give me back my son. I think that's called denial.

In the most impossible situation, God called me to trust AND OBEY. What did obedience look like for me? What did God require of me? Chuck told me that I must embrace sorrow as a friend. I could not. God called me to worship Him. I didn't know how. He demanded surrender. I would not. I wanted, I needed my child.

I heard that His promises are precious. I concluded they did not apply to me. Trust Him? My pathway was impossible. Yet, I had other children and though they were young adults, I knew they needed me to find a way out of the darkness. I did not want their brother's death to destroy their trust in God, even though I wasn't sure I could trust Him again. In desperation I turned to the only place that I could trust to be unchanging. God's Word. I hooked myself up to the scriptures the way doctors and nurses hook us up to intravenous medication. The only pathway for survival was to constantly wash my soul in His Word, trusting it to be truth, though my heart cried out, "Untrue." But I trusted by going back to His Word every day, every morning.

And still God wanted more. He called me to trust.....AND OBEY.

And slowly, very, very slowly, I obeyed. The obedience was not dramatic. It was mundane but required every ounce of strength remaining in my broken heart. I obeyed when I got out of bed every morning, trusting that when He calls us, He also equips us to obey. But then what should I do now that I was up?

God's Word was a light for my pathway. Jeremiah 29 called me to surrender to my captivity in the Land of Grief. But surrender with purpose and obedience and by choosing life and hope. Through this passage, God demanded that I plant gardens and allow those gardens to nurture me and my family. He called on me to love my family and to encourage them to trust His promises, to encourage them to build families, to give them in marriage and for them to bear children. Though I would always grieve, He wanted my life to empower our children and grandchildren to embrace joy and the possibilities of living with eternal purpose. If I surrendered to His specific instructions, our children would be nurtured by this obedience, this Garden of Life in the Land of Grief.

And I obeyed, fighting to conquer every emotion that tied me tightly in the abyss of sorrow. I met with Him every morning and begged Him to heal my broken heart. First like a gentle Father, then like a stern parent, God demanded, "Trust AND OBEY." But He wanted more. Give up your agenda (getting Mark back) and TRUST Me to perform My purposes in your obedience. Sometimes our obedience is a teeny, tiny step with tear-filled eyes with little hope that anything we are doing will lead to a good result. Sometimes we think our obedience is about big things when God is really calling us to obey in the mundane, ordinary tasks of life.

Sometimes I think God handed me a basket of mysterious seeds with instructions to plan them, not knowing what fruit they would bear. I could not have chosen sweeter, more succulent produce than God is harvesting from our Garden of Life. Where once sorrowful tears reigned, unabated tears of joy stream down my cheeks. Laughter and silliness fills our home when our kids and grandchildren gather. This day I am overwhelmed the miracle of welcoming our little granddaughter from India as our fourteenth grandchild.

God is keeping His promises of Psalm 30, a scripture I returned to again and again, "...weeping may visit in your home for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning..." In deep grief I cried out to my God, "Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help." And He turned my wailing into dancing; He removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart sings to Him and I will not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever. May every mother whose heart is breaking, take hope and trust and obey and trust.

In His Grip,
Sharon

"We had to put locks on the outside of my mother's bedroom door...she wandered outside last night..."

This was my first contact with a family impacted by Alzheimer's. I was a young pastor's wife and I couldn't fathom his mother behaving in such a way. She was a godly, older woman, gentle and kind. She lived with her son and his wife and her family clearly adored her. The next time I saw her, I could see the fear in her eyes. She looked lost. What happened to God's promise that faithful older people would bear fruit in their old age? Ever growing, ever green? Not to me.

The woman sitting in Chuck's office cried as she described the dark cloud over her soul. Depression gripped her heart and she was desperate for help. This woman was one of God's precious daughters: godly, mature, mentor to many, married to a difficult man. Chuck gave her an assignment designed to help turn her heart toward the Lord and to get her emotions under control. A month later, she returned in worse shape than in her initial meeting. After a careful conversation and observing physical symptoms, Chuck concluded that her depression was not spiritual but medically induced. He sent her to the best specialists he could find to test her for anything that could cause depression. The diagnosis stunned us: Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Again, what about God's promise to aging believers? How could this diagnosis be God's definition of bearing fruit in old age? Ever growing, ever green? Not to me.

Though young people are not exempt from such diagnoses, older people are more prone to Alzheimer's, heart disease, cancer, Parkinson's Disease, broken bones, dementia. Getting rid of wrinkles and brown spots, thinning hair, and creaky bones take a back seat to the ravages of aging when a diagnosis of such magnitude takes front stage in our lives.

In the context of extreme physical limitations, what do we make of God's promise:

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him." Psalm 92:12 - 15

Whenever I teach Bible study where young women are present I always challenge them with these words, "If you don't want to be a bitter, angry woman when you're old and gray, make choices now to choose Christ, to feed His spirit in you. Don't think you can wait until you're old to learn how to be kind, gentle, and content. Godliness is hard work. Choosing to reflect Christ in difficult times requires emotional and spiritual energy. Older people often complain that they have little energy compared to the days of their youth. Many older people don't bother trying to be godly because it's too much work and they don't really care what people think about them any more. Choose righteousness while you have the energy!"

I am struck by the closing proclamation of the ever-growing, ever green passage in Psalm 92: They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright, he is my Rock and there is no wickedness in him."

Perhaps God's view of fruit bearing is different than ours. A virus attacked my mother's heart when she was in her early sixties. Before her diagnosis of life-threatening congestive heart failure and cardio myopathy, she was a hands on grandmother, ready to go sledding, biking, and physically interact with her many grandchildren. She worked in the family business and enjoyed mentoring young girls in her church. Suddenly she was not allowed to even kiss her grandchildren for six months because of the possibility of infection. She struggled with a new definition of bearing fruit in old age and staying fresh and green. As a grandmother of fourteen, I am only just beginning to grasp her deep sorrow and disappointment over God's plans for her remaining years on this earth. But in our minds, our mother left this world with a fresh and green spirit and she repeatedly proclaimed in her dying moments, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." In her physical weakness, she saw the goodness of the Lord in her life.

Who better than an old woman or an old man to proclaim with confidence, "The Lord is upright, he is my Rock and there is no wickedness in him." Who better than those who have lived long lives and walked rocky pathways filled with potholes and hidden terrors? Who better than those of us in this winter of life to proclaim from life experiences, "My God is sovereign and you can trust Him. I say this, because I know from experience, He is my Rock and there is no wickedness in Him."

And because of His past faithfulness, I can trust Him with whatever days I have left to proclaim His goodness, whether from a bed of physical affliction like my mother or in the context of unusual physical health and strength like my 84-year-old father.

I pray He gives me strength to be ever growing ever green, no matter what pathway He has marked out for me.

In His Grip,
Sharon

The first time I heard the phrase "ever growing, ever green" it was in reference to my then seventy-something father. My mother had died the year before. Though physically fragile, she had planned to attend a national women's conference with my sisters and her granddaughters in keeping with her lifelong practice of supporting and applauding every achievement of her children and grandchildren. She wanted to be part of this historic event where I had the privilege of teaching a seminar on grief and speaking on Sunday morning. In addition to co-leading worship, our son Chuck was giving a mini-piano concert Saturday night. Though it required travel to Atlanta, Georgia, my mother was determined to be part of this family moment. Because of her uncertain health needs, my father planned to accompany her. My mother died in December, 2008, but she left a well-taught husband (See Every Growing, Ever Green Part 1). In honor of my mother's memory, Daddy decided to attend the all women's conference, along with my husband. Close to thirty family members, including our daughter, daughter-in-law, soon to be daughter-in-law, our other son, all of my sisters, sister-in-laws, and many of my nieces gathered at the women's conference, ready to enjoy family and inspiration. Over thirty women from our church joined in. When the organizers realized the beauty of the covenant promises of God that our family reflected, they asked my father to introduce me. Only those who know my father understand what a huge task lay before him. Until my mother's death, Daddy was a man of few words - he let Mommy do the talking - which she gladly did. To think of him in front of 3000 women, speaking about his daughter and family (especially so soon after my mother's death), was more than I could imagine. But I gave him the invitation and after a split second of silence, he accepted the task. Let the praying begin!

As I review my parents' lives I realize that in keeping with his character and lifelong response to opportunities, my father had no choice but to say "yes" to the privilege of choosing to step outside of his comfort zone and proclaim the faithfulness of God with his lips, just as he had often done with his actions. Psalm 92:12 - 15 paints a picture of one who is "ever-growing, ever green."

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright; he is my Rock and there is no wickedness in him."

Throughout my own life I have walked through open doors that lead to tasks way outside of my comfort zone. The older I get the more I realize my parents taught me by their own lives, that we should always be open to the possibilities of new opportunities. I can't actually remember my parents sitting me down to teach me some of these core values, I learned them by watching.

In His Grip,
Sharon

I first heard the term "ever growing ever green" used by a friend to describe my father. She had just learned about Daddy and his long history of building churches and Christian schools, serving as an elder in his local church and generous support of numerous ministries. I was intrigued by the scripture reference and concluded that I wanted to be just like my father when I grew up (I was in my early fifties at the time).

Last week, my 84-year-old father was on his way to Idaho where he will join my sister and her family. Just the description, 84-year-old father, might imply that he is a fragile, elderly man, limited by age and physical ailments. Not so. A day after his arrival, they will begin a trip that will culminate with an Easter Sunrise Service at the Grand Canyon. Daddy described some of their itinerary, a different hotel every night with sight-seeing along the way and I got tired thinking about all the travel.

Sometimes when I call him, I'll ask, "And where are you today? Texas? Kentucky? Ohio? Idaho?" He chuckles and often responds, "Well, I'm home right now but tomorrow, I leave for..." Or, "I'm in Texas visiting your sister..."

My father is a self-made man, one of the Greatest Generation. After coming home from World War II, he started his own contracting business. There is a development in Middletown, Delaware, USA, called Sharondale. Yes, his construction company built it and he named it after me when I was about five years old. Through the thick and thin days of running his own business, he didn't waver from his core values. Many of his seven children and their future spouses as well as grandchildren worked in his contracting business where we inherited his strong work ethic.

My father is a churchman. When the church doors were open, he expected his children to attend. His experience in church life equipped him for what would be his business focus in later years: building churches. Missions captured his heart but he never saw himself as a missionary. Instead, when he was in his fifties, he told me that one day he wanted to use his church-building experience to help build churches for mission works in poor countries. A few years later my mother was diagnosed with life-threatening congestive heart failure that transformed her active lifestyle into months of bed rest and years of physical limitations. Though she forged ahead when she felt well, my father's dream of the two of them traveling to remote areas of the world to build churches had to be set aside. Instead, my father poured himself into helping local churches make the best use of their resources to build houses of worship that would train missionaries and church planters. He's well known in our region as a church builder and is still sought after by churches who know they can trust his churchman mentality and experience to help them get the most from God's money in their own church-building campaigns. Last year he began the process of retiring from his family business and turning the reigns over to my brother and his sons. More than a business, my father gave them the legacy of his name and highly-respected reputation. Priceless.

My mother died at Christmas, 1998, after a long illness. As I observed Daddy after her death, I concluded that in several important aspects, she had prepared him for her absence. Though always stoics when it came to death and grief, when our son, Mark, died, my mother realized that our way of grieving was far different than she had ever experienced. She read the same books on grief that I was reading and told my father he needed to read them, too, because, "Chuck and Sharon are not reacting to Mark's death in a way that we would and we need to understand them." (More on that in a later post.) I think her example influenced his response to her death. Instead of stoicly hiding his sorrow, my father openly grieved for my mother. He was unashamed of his tears or to admit that he cried every day in her absence. I think my mother prepared him to grieve openly because she embraced our grief journey though open grieving was foreign to her.

Because of her illness, Mommy was unable to attend many family and church activities but she always made my father go without her. We thought it was because she wanted him to report every detail to her but I often wonder if she was sacrificing her own needs so that when she was gone, he would continue this practice of participating in ministry and social activities. She didn't want him to be alone.

Unlike many widowers my father doesn't hesitate to attend any activity that connects him to family and church family because over the thirteen years of my mother's illness, he became accustomed to attending such activities without her. He sometimes attends three church services on Sundays in three locations in order to see children and grandchildren who attend those services as well as long-term friends in his home church. He keeps his church friends posted on his widespread family (over 100 grandchildren and great grandchildren) and like me, they have a hard time keeping up with all of his travels and projects.

Yes, my father is ever growing and ever green. Over the next few weeks I hope to share some of the lessons my father continues to teach me as he continues to walk by faith in the pathway God has marked out for him.

Yes, I want to be just like my father when I grow up.

In His Grip,
Sharon

On my 2009 bucket list is this goal: Understand God's view of aging and revel in it. I admit it. That's a tough assignment when our culture idolizes youth with every commercial, movie, television program, magazine. Our culture is not kind to aging women. We hear more and more of how fifty is the new sixty and sixty is the new seventy. What in the world does that mean? Skin care advertisers lie that their products get rid of wrinkles, spots, and puffiness (make sure you read the fine print before you plop down your credit card). I have a friend who told me that Preparation H is perfect for getting rid of puffy eyes....In spite of my drawer full of creams and ointments, every day I can sing, "Morning by morning new wrinkles I see" to the tune of Great is Thy Faithfulness.

And how about those toned bodies on older women that are held up as attainable goals....come on, girls. How many hours a day are these women spending with a personal trainer? And I really want to know about the air brushing of the pictures.

Just to make myself feel better, I'll scan pictures on the internet of stars caught without makeup (and I'll bet women a lot younger than me do the same). The before and after pictures are startling, even of younger women whose physical beauty is often breath-taking after their stylists and make up artists finish their work. Most stars stripped of make up look like any woman in the grocery store or herding her children into the car after a full day of shopping or running errands.

The same media and culture idolizes physical beauty and youth. How many times do we see pictures of aging women with the headline, "She Doesn't Look Bad for Sixty!" Or "Seventy" or even "Eighty!" We carefully scrutinize the woman's face, her eyes, hair, complexion and body and compare. How do we measure up? We wonder, would a long lost friend truthfully exclaim, "You look great! You haven't aged a bit!"

Then reality sets in with the next picture of the same star without her makeup and no smile. And we think, "If she can't stop the evidence of aging with all of her money and resources how can I with my over the counter wrinkle reducing creams and ointments guaranteed to get rid of the bags under my eyes? It's hopeless!"

And so, the search begins. God's Word tells us that aging in His eyes is beautiful. That gray hair represents the beauty of a well-lived life and reflects wisdom. And He calls on us to be ever growing, ever green.

What does that mean? And is it an attainable goal?

Over the next few weeks I'll share some of my thoughts on this season of life. I'd love to hear your thoughts as well.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Cancer cells found a weak spot in my body and made themselves at home. Once the tumor rooted itself firmly, it put out tentacles of rogue cells that found their way into my lymph nodes. Through a mammogram for another complaint, the cancer was found out and aggressive treatment wiped it out.

Cancer cells are sneaky and search patiently for a vulnerable spot to land and grow. Rogue cells like bones. I learned that strengthening my bones could protect them from an invasion. After the last of six months of chemo treatments, I worked hard to build up my immune system as a hedge of protection against disease. Over twenty years later, I am still cancer free.

Heart disease came next. Two-thirds of those diagnosed with this particular heart condition either get worse or stay the same. I wanted to be in the one-third who get better. No one could guarantee how to make that happen but I realized that my best defense against it progressing was to strengthen my core, to do whatever I could to strengthen the heart muscle along with the other muscles and bones in my body. Exercise, vitamins, medication, careful oversight by my doctors, healthy eating - though none of these might appear to be heart and cancer fighting soldiers, each one works as a boundary that slows down the advance of disease. Slowly but surely my heart is getting stronger.

When our daughter heard that her dad's "good hip" was giving him trouble, she researched what she could do to protect her own body from succumbing to what seems to be a genetic condition. The message didn't change: Strengthen your core with strength training. Strengthen surrounding muscles and bones with exercise.

As I was reviewing Chuck's new book, Teaching Them Young: The Hidden Treasures of the Proverbs, I concluded that he was exhorting parents with the same message: strengthening their spiritual core as well as their children's will help prepare their children's souls to fight off the attack of rogue cells that are looking for a place to root and grow in their children's lives. Each principle from Proverbs is another fence designed to build our children's spiritual muscles and bones so that they can fight off the temptation to look for satisfaction and contentment anywhere but in their relationship to Christ.

Teaching Them Young is not a parenting recipe with ten steps to raising a happy child, but rather a call to personal confrontation and doing the hard work of marathon parenting, strengthening our own spiritual cores as we act as personal trainers for our children.

Strengthening my physical core requires discipline and self-denial. I'm more apt to listen to a personal trainer whose physical body reflects the results of discipline and self-denial. Strengthening my spiritual core requires discipline and self-denial. It's a no-brainer to realize that a child in spiritual training might listen more readily to parents whose own spiritual core reflects a lifetime of discipline and self-denial. Teaching Them Young: The Hidden Treasures of the Proverbs is a tool you want in your parenting (and grandparenting) personal trainer's regimen.

In His Grip,
Sharon

The assignment was simple: Identify one activity or goal on your "bucket list" for 2009 for your marriage and share it with the group at our final gathering. Our married couples class had been meeting every Sunday morning for several months and we had addressed some basic but at times difficult issues. This was our first Date Night at the Betters and the atmosphere was casual and expectant. One topic led to another until Chuck said, "Ok, let's hear your bucket list goals for 2009." Each spouse shared, some cryptically, others with abandon: better communication, getting priorities on the same page, dealing with a specific sin issue, cultivating closer relationships with extended family, having more "fun!"

When Chuck and I reviewed the evening discussion later, we realized that unless each of us mapped out a plan for accomplishing our goals, it was likely we could meet in December and we all would have the same goals for 2010 because the tyrannical needs of urgent every day life would cancel out addressing the important tasks on our marriage bucket lists. For example, if I want to have a closer relationship with Chuck, I need to plan ways I will cultivate that relationship, i.e. date nights, praying together every day, calling him just because. If I want to find a better way to communicate, I will plan time for communicating, study him to determine how he responds to facial expressions and tones of voice. In other words, I will be intentional. Building a strong, godly marriage requires planning, hard work, humility, planning - yes, I said planning twice!

I recently reviewed my two "bucket lists." I have one for 2009 and one for the rest of my life. I wrote about this bucket list in a previous blog post. I concluded that unless I wrote out a plan for accomplishing my goals, I would come to January, 2010, and write out the exact same list. Forcing myself to carefully consider my goals revealed that I absolutely must give up other activities if I am to be successful in experiencing the joy of successfully fulfilling these dreams.

Bucket lists are for people who recognize life is short, that at any moment, we can "kick the bucket!" We want to make sure we are using the gift of time in a way that has an eternal purpose. Making a list and checking it twice, and again and again, confronts me with choices and gives me the opportunity to decide exactly what is important enough for my time and effort.

After reviewing my lists, I am pretty sure I still want to accomplish every item, some in 2009, others before I "kick the bucket." I'm working on a plan so that I can intentionally cross off accomplished goals, one at a time. Or I can adjust the list as real life adjusts my priorities.

How about you? What's on your bucket list? And how will you make it happen?

In His Grip,
Sharon

"You are never more like Christ than when you forgive." Let me repeat that, "You are never more like Christ than when you forgive." The friend who shared this truth knows what it is to be forgiven and he was encouraging another sinner that her own sin confronted her with a choice: to forgive those who hurt her or to hang on to the metal cloak of anger that protected her from the reality of her own pain. If she chose anger, bitterness would root in her life and defile many. Our son, Chuck, posted his thoughts about forgiveness on his Facebook page and with his permission, I share them with you. Forgiveness, a hard choice, but remember my friend's words: You are never more like Christ than when you forgive.

Forgiveness: by Chuck L. Betters

When a person is redeemed, they are released from bondage or penalty by the payment of a ransom price. It is at the cross that Christ does his redeeming work for us. Condemned criminals, prisoners of war, and slaves are freed through his redeeming work. On the cross, Christ gave himself as a ransom for us (I Tim. 2:6). We are bought at a price (I Cor. 6:20). The price tag of forgiveness is costly. The redemption at the cross was costly-Christ became sin so that we may be justified.

So many times in life, we are hurt by others. Many times we may be deeply hurt by the people closest to us--maybe a spouse, a parent, a best friend, or a child. With genuine forgiveness, the person who was hurt actually absorbs the wrong and prevents it from spreading and multiplying. So basically, when you truly forgive someone, you bear the brunt of their wrongdoing.

Christ did this for us when He nailed the sinner's certificate of indebtedness to the cross and disarmed the rulers and authorities by making a public spectacle of them. Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law by becoming a curse for us. There is an interesting verse all the way back in Deut. 21:23 that says: for it is written, cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. We have no clue how humiliating the cross was for Christ Jesus--he really did become a curse. He absorbed our wrongs. Gal 3:13 tells us that Christ died for the accursed.

When you have been deeply wronged by another, there is no way to rush the healing process. You have been wounded and it will take time for those wounds to heal. There can be restoration in this life, however. The decision you need to make is whether or not you are going to forgive the person who wronged you. The offending party can say they are sorry--but the question is whether or not you are going to actually forgive them. It bears repeating: forgiving another means that you assume, and bear the burden of the results of that person's sin.

When you forgive, the wounds will start to close up and will begin to heal. Depending on the sin, it may take a very long time. If you don't forgive the other person, you will carry around this pain, as an open wound, for the rest of your life. Many times, the person who offended us doesn't even ask for forgiveness or believe they were wrong in their actions. Still, we are confronted with the decision: to forgive or not to forgive.

I am currently recovering from back surgery. They cut me through the stomach, moved my insides all around, fused the vertebrae, and then closed me up. It will take a year or longer for me to heal: if I ever fully heal. In the meantime, my body is reacting against the trauma. It did so by throwing very dangerous blood clots to my lungs. In other words, the process of recovering from the original wound almost killed me even though I was doing everything I could for my body to heal.

It may almost kill you to forgive another person, and in fact, a part of you may have already died. For some it may feel like it is too much to bear to forgive another. Even after you forgive, the process of healing will be difficult. Here's the beautiful part: Christ raises the dead. In fact, it is through dying that we truly live. It is through "lost-ness" that we become found (Luke 15).

You may have been spiritually, emotionally, and even physically cut and wounded by another. The question is, will you forgive the other so those wounds can start to heal? When you don't forgive, that original wound remains open. What happens to open wounds? They become infected, they become a blemish, they are obvious to everyone around you, and it may spread to the rest of your body. Perhaps there is someone from your deep past whom you need to forgive. Perhaps now is the time for that wound to be closed up so the healing process can begin. Who is hurt more? The person who did the cutting, or the one who was cut and never really healed?

It may not be fair that the "ball is in your court" and that you are being asked to forgive another who has deeply hurt you. I know this will sound cliche'-ish: but it wasn't fair that Christ took our sins, our punishment, in His body, on the tree. When you forgive someone, you are standing in the gap for that person. You are becoming a Christ-type in their lives. When Christ forgives us, somehow, someway, He forgets the offense. It is as if we had never sinned. Then when God views us, we are justified freely! He became sin for us so that we could become the righteousness of God.

Who do you need to forgive?

And will you choose to forgive. . .

In His Grip,
Sharon

In her classic piece, A Man Moves Toward Marriage (source: Love has a Pricetag by Elisabeth Elliot), Elisabeth Elliot addresses the topic of men, dating and marriage. She doesn't pull any punches and declares that "If men would be men, women could do a better job of being women (and vice versa, of course but the buck really stops with the men). What does it mean to be a man? Christ is the supreme example. He was strong and He was pure, because His sole aim in life was to be obedient to the Father. His very obedience made Him most manly - responsible, committed, courageous, courteous and full of love. A Christian man's obedience to God will make him more of a man than anything else in the world."

Elisabeth continues to describe the qualities that flow from obedience to God: responsibility (Man was made to be initiator, provider, protector for women); commitment (He must be a man of his word, no matter what it costs.); Courage (a man must be willing to take the risks of rejection, blame and all that commitment costs.); courtesy (A Christian's rule of life should be: my life for yours.); Purity (He must be master of himself if he is to be the servant of others.).

Valentine's Day conjures up a definition of love that includes roses and candy and silky lingerie. But girls, while you're waiting for that one true love, carefully consider these character qualities. Don't sell yourself short by settling for a man who does not share a commitment to obedience to Christ.

It would be easy to end the challenge with the spotlight on men, but godly men are looking for women who are sold out to obeying God's Word and cultivating a character that reflects redemption. As I review these qualities, I am challenged to look at my own heart and consider if I am selling my husband short in any of them. Am I a woman of my word, no matter what it costs? Am I courageous in taking risks by serving those who may not appreciate my heart or acts of love? Am I courteous, other oriented? Am I a woman of purity? Do I discipline myself in a way that flows out into serving others?

In the aftermath of this Valentine's Day, let's think about the greatest love reflected in the man of all men, Jesus. And how He longs for His great love to flow out through our lives (men and women) and into the lives of others.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Before the term "spiritual mother" became a popular term, Elisabeth Elliot mothered and mentored thousands of women through her teachings and writings. Though I have never met her, I consider myself one of her "spiritual daughters." A number of years ago, I had the privilege of speaking at a women's retreat in California for a church whose pastor's wife was Elisabeth's daughter, Val. During a break I tried to express my thanks to Val for her mother's influence in my life and Val asked, "Have you ever told her yourself?" I guess my silence conveyed my confusion (Me personally contact the renowned Elisabeth Elliot? No way!) because Val continued, "Sharon, my mother doesn't understand why anyone would want to read her books or listen to her speak. She often questions why God has given her this calling and she needs encouragement as much as anyone else. You should write her a note and tell her what you think."

Mind you, my theme for the weekend was Treasures of Encouragement, messages based on my book where I teach how to be a biblical encourager! As soon as I arrived home, I sent Elisabeth a note in which I tried to communicate her godly influence on me. Within a week, I received a personal response thanking me for reaching out to her.

When a young woman complains that she cannot find a spiritual mother, I encourage her to attach herself to women like Elisabeth Elliot, Amy Carmichael, and other women (living and dead) who have helped shape me through their lives, books, and teachings. I tell them to read their books, listen to their seminars, take opportunities to study their lives and learn how to reflect redemption through their teachings and examples. I try to convey this counsel in one of the chapters in my book, Treasures of Encouragement. Months after the death of our son, Mark, I struggled with grief and a loneliness that I couldn't define. I had no new words to describe my feelings so concluded it was useless to cry to a faithful friend one more time. But I needed a friend. I pulled one of Susan Hunt's books off of our shelf, built a fire in the fireplace and snuggled on the sofa under a thick afghan. I hungrily read every word, looking for something that would give me hope for the next moments. I don't remember what book I read or even the core message but I came away with this exhortation: Your circumstances are your platform for glorifying Christ. In the years since, when I have wanted to give up, that core truth confronts me with a choice shaped by God's Word. Though Susan was not physically in the room with me that day, she mothered and nurtured me with God's eternal purposes.

Elisabeth Elliot can mentor you through the wonders of technology when you sign up for her devotional through Back to the Bible. I just read one of her classic pieces, A Man Moves Toward Marriage.

It's a keeper that I plan to share with our grandsons as they mature.

Who has nurtured and mothered you from afar?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Chuck hates Valentine's Day. As soon as the marketing gurus launch their onslaught of commercials designed to create deep guilt for every man who doesn't buy his love a diamond ring, heart shaped necklace or sexy lingerie, Chuck warns me not to expect anything. After all, he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to express his love for me. He does that every day by the way he treats me. My husband is a romantic and I have lots of stories I could tell about how he has demonstrated his love in surprising ways over the years. In ways that are so much better than a Valentine's Day Card that he has to buy because of marketing pressure. Yet, I brought preconceived ideas about Valentines Day into our marriage. When I was growing up, on the morning of February 14, I would sometimes wake up to find a small heart shaped box of candy outside my bedroom door. My mother always said it was from my father but sometimes there would be an extra gift that only a mom would think to buy for her daughter. As a young wife, I tried not to let the commercialism of February love raise my expectations of my husband but I wasn't really content to let the holiday go. One year I decided I could still create Valentines Day traditions with our children without seeming to insult Chuck for his lack of recognition of this unashamed attempt by our culture to get us to spend billions of dollars on cards, candy, jewelry and roses. Loves me, loves me not . . .

I covered a shoe box with construction paper, cut out hearts and a slit in the top for mail. I gave our children dime store Valentines Day cards to address to each of their siblings, mommy and daddy. I carefully followed instructions for making a heart-shaped cake and set the table with china and candles. I put on my best spiritual face that this display had nothing to do with guilting my young husband into giving me a gift. What should have been a Hallmark Card moment ended up in disaster. The two older kids fought over who got the most cards, the two babies were cranky, the cake crumbled because it was still warm when I iced it and my sweet, romantic husband didn't think my motives were quite pure! I have a feeling that deep inside I really was trying to make him feel guilty......Loves me not?

At the first sign of the Valentines Day commercialism, Chuck still makes his speech in which he declares he will not bow to commercial pressure. Yet somehow we always end up doing something special on February 14 and last year we even exchanged funny cards - but absolutely not in the name of Valentines Day! Loves me?

What does love look like to you? Is it always wrapped up in the gift of a card, jewelry, perfume, sexy lingerie? Or is it better displayed when someone takes out the trash, picks up the dirty clothes, clears the table and cleans up the kitchen, makes the bed, surprises you with your favorite ice cream for no reason at all, lets you pick out the chick flick instead of the war movie, would rather watch the Super Bowl with you than his buddies, sends a card thanking you for your friendship, says "let's order out" or just sits by your side when you're grieving?Definitely loves me.....

I have a drawer full of cards from Chuck that I cherish. I love finding the cards I have sent to Chuck tucked away in his dresser or saved in a folder of important papers. Each one reminds us of a moment in time that is forever seared on our hearts and that makes them priceless. I treasure the times Chuck has surprised me with a special gift, a uniquely crafted piece of jewelry, a surprise evening out. Yet without the daily and mundane consistent demonstrations of love that transform a relationship into a majestic lasting friendship these gifts would be worthless baubles. I know this because I have friends whose Valentines Day cards, precious gems, furs and material possessions cover hearts longing for genuine love and respect from their spouses.

What does love look like to you? Instead of hanging your hopes on one kind of demonstration, look for love in the mundane, the dailiness of life and you may be surprised to recognize that the marketing Valentines Day gurus don't have it quite right.

In His Grip,
Sharon

This past week a radio listener called and requested this excerpt from this message aired on the radio and internet: Seven Life-Changing Principles Every Christian Should Make.

The staff of MARKINC Ministries was deeply moved by this call to experiencing God's graciousness and power in 2009 and wanted to share it with you. You can listen or download the entire message by clicking here.

Or you can order it from our store. Many thanks to the listener who reminded us of this message and the challenge to carefully consider New Year's Resolutions in an eternal context. We hope you will pass on this encouragement to friends and family and that it will open their hearts and minds to the God's dreams for their lives.

Seven Life-Changing Resolutions Every Christian Should Make

I will by God's grace be...

Like Paul, forget those things which are behind and press forward.
Like David, lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help.
Like Abraham, believe God and have it counted for righteousness.
Like Enoch, walk with God in such a way that it pleases Him.
Like Jesophaphat, prepare my heart to please God.
Like Moses, choose to suffer affliction with the people of God.
Like Daniel, pray to my God regardless of the kings decree.
Like Job, be patient in all unforeseen circumstances.
Like Joshua & Caleb, refuse to be discouraged when in the minority.
Like Joseph, turn my back on seductive advances.
Like Gideon, move ahead in spite of small numbers.
Like Aaron, & Hur uphold the hands of my spiritual leaders.
Like Isaiah, fully consecrate myself to the Lord for service.
Like Andrew, strive to bring my brother to Christ.
Like John, become the closest of the disciple.
Like Stephen, pray for the forgiveness of those who do me harm.
Like Timothy, study to shew myself approved of God.
Like Jesus Himself, be willing to die to self to bring forth much fruit.
Realizing that I cannot hope to accomplish these things in my own strength, I will rely upon Christ, for "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

In His Grip,
Sharon and Chuck Betters

Have you seen the movie, The Bucket List? Blue collar mechanic Carter Chambers and billionaire hospital magnate Edward Cole meet for the first time in the hospital after both have been diagnosed with cancer. They become friends as they undergo their respective treatments. Carter is a gifted amateur historian and family man who had wanted to become a history professor, but in his youth had been "broke, black, and with a baby on the way" and thus never rose above his job at the McCreath body shop. Edward is a four-times-divorced corporate tycoon and eccentric loner.

Both are diagnosed with a year or less to live. Carter begins writing a "bucket list," or things to do before he "kicks the bucket." After hearing he has less than a year to live, Carter wads it up and tosses it on the floor. Edward finds and reads it. Edward pushes Carter (by suggesting he add things like seeing the world, skydiving ("fun things," etc.), and promises to finance the trip. Despite the protests of his wife, Carter eagerly agrees.

The pair then begin an around-the-world vacation, embarking on race car driving, skydiving, climbing the Pyramids and going on a lion safari in Africa. Along the way, they discuss faith and family, and movie goers watch as they slowly open up about their deepest feelings and an intimate friendship grows.

Recently Chuck preached a sermon The Bucket List in which he challenged us to look at God's bucket list for His people and to experience His dreams for each of us in 2009. I'm sure many hearing the message were as stunned as I to consider how many dreams God has for each of us, dreams designed to give us an eternal purpose, dreams that we never experience. At the end of every year, I spend a lot of time processing the past and considering my priorities for the next year. Chuck's sermon narrowed my focus for 2009 and I'm actively creating my own list of spiritual experiences and activities that I hope to accomplish before I "kick the bucket!"

What have I always wanted to do but have not made a priority because it would take too much time, too much energy, or I might fail? At the top of my Spiritual Bucket List is the desire to be a praying woman. A few years ago my friend, Carol Marker, and I traveled to Japan to speak at a women's retreat. The organizer of the retreat was an elderly woman whose husband was fighting serious cancer. This woman took us to the top of a mountain that overlooked the city. Her passion for the thousands of people represented by the homes in the valley and the Naval Base moved us to tears. On the way up and down the mountain she pointed out altars to other gods where travelers would stop along the way and pray. She told us she used those altars for her own prayer time to the One True God. We were on holy ground. But this precious woman was not just other worldly in her prayer connection to God. As she started driving us back to the retreat center, we soon realized she had no idea where we were. Remember, we're in Japan. We don't speak Japanese and apparently she spoke very little herself! After our hostess admitted we were lost, she continued the conversation with, "And Jesus, we need you to show us how to get home...." She talked to Him as though (imagine this!) He was right in the seat next to her! And we soon found our way home.

She didn't giggle nervously as though praying in the middle of a conversation something odd. She just inserted the comment in the middle of her remarks to us and continued on as though talking to Jesus was normal. Which we soon realized, for her, it was. Her private prayer closet intimacy showed through in her daily conversations. Talking out loud to Jesus, by name, in the middle of a conversation with other human beings, was just as natural to her as breathing. I want my conversations with Jesus to be like hers when I grow up!

The first time Chuck and I traveled outside America was to Abidjan, South Africa. Chuck was there to teach African seminary students and I was there to help organize the women's ministry and speak at an African women's retreat. One of our first stops was a mid-day prayer meeting where four or five African men passionately prayed several times a day, every day, at the same time the horns blew to call Moslems to pray. They prayed out loud, loudly, sometimes wailing to God to bring revival to Africa. We didn't understand the language but we understood their hearts. They rocked back and forth, sometimes moaning under their burden for the peace of their local church and the salvation of family members and their country. I want to have that kind of praying heart for the unsaved and for my church.

These two experiences wakened in me a longing for more in my own prayer life. But life distracted me and the moment passed.

In the years following our son's death, I experienced that kind of personal intimacy with Jesus. I have the journals to remind me. But life distracted me and my heart forgot just how real and deep God's presence is when we open our souls to His dreams for us.

At the top of my spiritual bucket list is the goal of going deeper into the presence of God through the pathway of prayer. This is a selfish goal because I know accomplishing it will lead me into joy unspeakable. To help me focus on the privilege of intimacy with Christ, I am identifying a scripture passage to pray for each person in my family as well as scripture for our church. And here's the second item on my bucket list, memorizing scripture. I hope to memorize one passage a month so that I can pray scripture wherever I am and know that I am praying God's dreams for these people and for our church. Right now I am praying Psalm 122 for our church and our congregation. I am praying Psalm 121 for our new granddaughter, Siddhi, while we wait for her to come home from India and for our grandson, Cori, as he serves in the Navy.

If the bucket list intrigues you as it does me, I invite you to subscribe to my blog by entering your email address in the 'Subscribe' field in the left menu and join the conversation over the next few weeks as I share some of my thoughts on God's "bucket list" in 2009.

What's on your bucket list?

In His grip,
Sharon