Picture this. Hot and humid and a bunch of grandkids on the screened-in porch. Grammy distributes water bottles, trusting the youngest (three years old) up to the oldest to know how to drink water from a bottle.

Twenty minutes later Grammy walks out on the porch to check on grandkids. One of the grandsons picks up a water bottle and pours it out in front of Grammy.

Grammy grabs the bottle and exclaims, "What are you doing? Stop that and don't do it again!"

A minute later same grandson picks up another water bottle and empties it on the outdoor carpet.

Grammy recognizes the line drawn in the sand.

Kneels down in front of the child and begins a lecture. "Do not pour water out on the floor. Do not disobey me."

Grammy sees that this child is not looking at her and shifts into second gear.

"Look at me."

Grandson averts eyes.

Grammy grabs him by the cheeks, forces his eyes to look into hers and repeats:

"Do not pour the water on the floor. You must obey me. Repeat after me: Do not pour the water on the floor."

Grandson remains silent and again averts his eyes.

Grammy recognizes that the other grands are watching and she must win this battle. Grammy tightens her grip on the cheeks, demands that he look her in the eyes and states emphatically: "Repeat after me, I will not pour the water on the floor."

Silence while Grammy waits for correct response. Grandson: "Grammy, my ears can't hear you because my mouth is so full."

Grammy tries not to laugh and finally gets him to repeat, although without much conviction, "Don't pour the water on the floor."

Life Lesson for Grammy: "God, my ears can't hear you because my mouth is so full. Full of my own words, my own protests, my own excuses. Lord, empty my mouth and open my ears to your voice. May I listen twice as much as I talk."

"My dear sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a woman's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19 - 20

'nough said.

In His grip,

Sharon

Sometimes when the marriage of a couple we have mentored and known from their wedding day, crashes and burns, Chuck and I will spend time feeling sorry for ourselves, wondering if anything we are doing and saying has an impact on anyone. We are broken hearted when a family implodes and nothing we can say or do can put back the pieces of their broken homes. Why bother, we wonder. What good does it do? Then we reassure one another with this truth: there are hundreds, maybe thousands of people who have heard the Word of God and the exhortation to apply His Word to daily life who are quietly living out their lives, applying scriptural truth, and experiencing God's grace and strength as they face the struggles of this world. These people are building families and passing on a legacy of faith that is eternal. We encourage each other that all we can do is share what God has taught us. People have a choice as to whether what we say is truth and whether or not they will apply it to their lives. We can't force them to obey God's Word and experience the joy that only He can give.

Then there are moments, many more than the crash and burn experiences, when God reminds us of some of those people who choose to apply God's Word no matter how difficult and walk by faith, in the light and the darkness. They are the busy bees in the church, often behind the scenes, saying "yes" to helping others, leading children's ministries, working with the youth, teaching a women's Bible study, attending a men's Bible study, serving in leadership roles, singing in the choir, keeping the books, welcoming guests to the church family. God has transformed their hearts and out of gratitude to Him they are passing on a legacy of faith to the children God has placed in their lives.

God recently reminded me of some of those women who chose to attend a Bible study for young married women in 1994. Our newly-wed daughter, Heidi, asked me to lead a study for her friends, all newly weds. The topic was The Challenge of Being a Woman. What was ironic to me was that I had taught this same study to some of their mothers when these newlywed young women were little girls. Heidi had no furniture so we sat on the floor in her living room and week after week, opened the Bible to see what God had to say about womanhood. I just found the attendance list for that small group. Fifteen of the twenty women are still active in our local church, striving to build families that know, love and fear God and many are in leadership positions. Two of the women, sadly, are no longer in their original marriages. I've lost touch with three others. But think of the percentages. In a culture where 50% of marriages end in divorce, as far as I know only ten percent of this group suffered the agony of a failed marriage.

I'm not saying that these girls are walking by faith because of this study. But I do believe their hunger to equip themselves for this strange thing called marriage so early on in their lives indicates their commitment to keep on learning and to keep on building on their strong faith foundations. I can still see some of those girls and where they were sitting in that circle. I remember one of them asking hard questions because she had just recently experienced the stillborn death of her first son. I can see another sweet, young, shy, quiet girl who would later sit in my pink chair in my sunroom and cry through every meeting the two of us had as she tried to reconcile the stillborn death of her first daughter and God's love. I think about our daughter's coming struggle with infertility and wonder how much that group helped prepare her for her own battle to trust God. Along with my own daughter our new daughter-in-law as well as the young wife who whose family would one day include a child with enormous physical needs but also great joy because of that child. I see the BIG hairstyles on some of the girls and I chuckle that one of them is now the Nursery Coordinator in our local church. Another one is a pastor's wife, one is an elder's wife, another a deacon's wife, and all of them women that I absolutely love and fondly remember. I remember the discussions on submission and headship, the laughter over the differences between men and women.

But most of all, I remember how those girls became a safe place for a broken-hearted grieving mother - me. This was a year after our son's death and yet these girls thought I had something to offer them. They gave me a reason to think about something besides my own anguish. Because of that, each one has a special place in my heart.

Now, I look around at a whole new generation of young newly weds and young mommies and I am eager to pass on to another group of women some of the truths that God has taught me over the years. But more than that, I can't wait to develop those same kinds of personal friendships with this new group of women.

And I will have the privilege of observing them as they choose to quietly build a legacy of faith that will have an eternal impact, just like their sisters who walk this pathway a little ahead of them.

In His grip,

Sharon

9. Be transparent and honest in your communication. Most marriage counseling I do centers on teaching couples Biblical principles for communicating. We come into marriage with preconceived ideas of the right way to speak, to resolve conflicts. Even when we hate the way our parents communicated, we often find ourselves becoming just like them unless we are determined by God's grace to break the chains of the past. Observe how others communicate, study Biblical principles and be accountable to one another for practicing communication that builds up rather than tears down. Often a couple does not realize how their communication reflects badly on their relationship to Christ. As trusted friends what does your communication reveals about your relationship to one another? You may be very surprised.

10. Learn to embrace pain as your friend. This is perhaps one of the most difficult principles to live out. The hard places in marriage are God's sandpaper designed to smooth out the rough places in our characters. There is no better woman in the world for me than my wife. I know this because we are married and God's design is for her to complete me. Our relationship not only brings joy and pleasure, it also is an opportunity for us to become more like Christ. Marriage requires sacrifice, seeing our spouse's needs as more important than our own. Such moments are often painful and yet that is the model of Christ. And isn't He the One whom we are to emulate in all of life? So with Jesus I encourage you to "go home to your family and tell them [by the way you treat them, love them, encourage them] how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you."

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Legacy building happens in mundane moments of life when we least expect it. I experienced one of those moments a few days ago and I can't get it out of my mind. We were enjoying a relaxing evening with friends, Bob and Becky and their two sweet children, R.J. and Anna Beth. Dinner was delicious and healthy. Chuck accepted R.J.'s invitation to see his latest Lego projects and Becky laughed and warned him that he would now get the full picture of their home organization.

After dinner, Bob suggested that Becky show me some of her scrapbooking albums. Conversation buzzed in the background as the beautifully created album pages carried me back into Becky's childhood and marriage. Perhaps because of my own passion for passing on a legacy of faith and family to our children and grandchildren, I had no trouble picturing her life and the special connection she had with her mother and grandmother and sisters. Her father is a photographer so the pictures of Becky growing up years told a story of love and family that contributed to the strong family foundation that exists in her home today.

This particular album is a personal journal for R.J. and Anna Beth. In it Becky tells the story of her own life and how her parents influenced her love for art and creativity. She describes her mother taking her to art museums and how her mother encouraged her to paint alongside of her as a little girl. She tells R.J. and Anna Beth that she wants to pass on that same love of life and creativity to them. I was especially taken with her comments about her Nana's Notions. With Becky's permission I include them here:

Mom handed down Nana's sewing basket to me after my grandmother's passing in 2001. I gave the wicker basket a place of honor in my craft room, but initially I didn't do much with it. I would open it here and there to get a needle and thread but that was it. As time went on, and my time spent scrapbooking increased, my visits to Nana's stash of notions became more frequent. On one of my little treasure hunts, I found a large hat pin that I now use as my paper piercer when scrapbooking and card making. In my searches for the perfect button or embellishment, I would often find little bits of memorabilia: theater tickets, Catholic medals, even a little swatch of hastily sewn fabric where Nana stashed her extra needles. Ironically, aside from the hat pin, I've never used any of Nana's notions on my scrapbook pages. Instead, each little pearl button and rhinestone I have handled is a kind of kiss from Nana, best left tucked away in her precious basket. Even as I created a scrapbook page about her notions, I decided to scan her supplies as opposed to displacing them. Except for the "I'm Available" pin. That just cracks me up. And I think somewhere she's laughing right along with me.

I'm not sure if it was intentional, but Becky's labor of love contains numerous life lessons for parents and real life examples of how God transforms the mundane tasks of life into a majestic picture of His love through the dynamics of a biblical family. I reluctantly closed the album and Anna Beth took it from me. She cuddled up next to her mommy and began to slowly turn each page. What a beautiful picture of legacy, a little girl drinking in the life of her mother, grandmother and a great grandmother that she never met, but will feel like she knows.

At home later that night, I couldn't get this picture out of my mind. I imagined that one day Becky and Bob might have to pack up the albums and put them in the attic, perhaps in an attempt to find more room in their home or maybe as they try to pare down their lives and move into the empty nest season of life. I imagined their grown children cleaning out the attic and rediscovering these priceless records of their family roots. And I imagined another little girl, Becky's grand daughter or maybe even great grand daughter, cuddling up to her mommy, slowly turning the pages of their family history and drinking in the legacy of faith that her grandmother so lovingly recorded for her own children.

I think Becky is right. Her grandmother is laughing right along with her, not only because of the "I'm Available" pin but because her beloved granddaughter gets it - the value of family passing on a legacy of faith to children not yet born. Thank you, Becky, for sharing this legacy with us. Perhaps your expression of love will inspire others to go and do likewise.

In His grip,

Sharon

Our son posted this list as a note on his Facebook account. While my own parents didn't use these same words as they raised us, they certainly passed on these values. Common sense, pure and simple. Oh, how I hope parents will not only agree and smile at the truths but will also incorporate them into their lives and insist on passing them on to their children. Parents have an uphill battle in fighting the myths our culture has embraced. Many of these truths are rooted in truths from Proverbs. Teach them young, my friends!

Rule 1: Life is not fair...get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make 40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a cell phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parent's fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you the test as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10. TV is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

~Wise words from Bill Gates

For more on parenting check out Teaching Them Young.

7. Partner in ministry. Find an outreach ministry in which you can serve together. Not only will this activity deepen your relationship, it will help teach your children to love serving the church.

8. Always remember the Biblical priorities in your relationships. When our children were very little I gave Sharon a plaque that reminded us of our priorities: The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Our Biblical family priorities are: Christ, Spouse, Children. Church. Work. Note that your spouse comes before your children - always.

And note that there is no other person on the face of the earth that can take the place of your spouse. Fidelity in American culture appears to be up for grabs. Wedding rings don't seem to act as a fence for many people. Great temptation comes against godly marriages because God's plan is for marriages to reflect His love. Commit to praying for one another to be faithful in all ways.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

To honor Mark's birthday I plant a rose bush. I'm sentimental - if a child touches an item, I can't throw it out. So these rose bushes have to have symbolic names. The first year I chose a white rose that symbolized the peace and purity of God that I longed to experience in the aftermath of our son's death. The bush rarely bloomed that first year and I concluded it had died. But when I started to pull it out, I noticed a few green leaves. Without any pruning on my part, the bush bore two long stem white roses. When those two died, two more appeared. All summer, every day, two white roses graced that rose bush. No more, no less. A friend came over to give me a gift on July 6, the anniversary of Mark's death. I took her out to the yard to show her the rose bush and explained that I considered the two roses a sign from God - one for Mark and one for Kelly. She smiled and we talked about how God transforms what appears to be dead into a life-giving gift that can bring hope and help to others. That fall that same friend received the same kind of horrific phone call we received on July 6. Her only daughter was killed in a car accident. Chuck and I rushed home from our Florida vacation to be with the family. I walked out back to the rose garden and remembered our conversation. Instead of just two roses there were three long-stemmed perfect white roses. I gasped and concluded that God was sending a treasure in the darkness to my friend, Susan. The three white roses symbolized Mark, Kelly, and Rachel, pure, innocent and redeemed, with Jesus, like Jesus. I cut the roses and made a corsage for my broken friend. She hugged me tightly and wore the roses throughout her daughter's services. No more roses bloomed that year.

The death of a loved one creates an ever widening circle of losses. The sorrow isn't contained within that one relationship. Our sons married sisters whose mother had died when they were very young. Children who experience sudden loss before the age of 18 often do not process grief until the average age of 40. Life experiences remind them of the absence of their loved one in ways that can unexpectedly slam them into a wall. Our children learned this as they approached their weddings and welcomed their children into the world. But God sent Laura a special treasure that we believe was a wedding gift from heaven. And He used a rose bush as the conduit of His love for Laura and once more for me.

"Sweety, come out front with me. I want to show you something." Laura, our future daughter in law, followed her dad to the front of the yard. He stopped at a rose bush filled with blooms. "Laura, you know your mother planted this rose bush when you and Melanie were little. It never bloomed. But look at it. It's filled with roses. I think this is your wedding gift from Mommy." Goose bumps and tears were my response to Laura's gift. But maybe God had something for me, too, as we planned Dan's wedding without his sidekick, Mark, at his side. I rushed outside to my roses. Tears fell when I saw the glorious white roses that filled what was once a sickly bush. Could it be that these roses were another treasure in the darkness, reminding us that God was very aware of the shadow over the joy? A bouquet of her Mommy's roses graced Laura's wedding day.

As the years passed and we approached the eighth anniversary of Mark's death, I didn't expect God to send me any more rose treasures. I concluded that God only sent such treasures when the need was extreme and that year I had started to feel a little more "normal." As the Ghost of Grief is prone to do, he jumped me from behind and the days leading up to July 6 were excruciating. How long, O Lord, how long? I walked outside on that hot summer morning, trying to reconcile God's love with Mark's absence. God surprised me with a love note that reminded me He was very aware of my broken heart. Eight long stemmed white roses bloomed on this once dying bush. Eight.

Sometimes, though, we miss the treasures. Thankfully, God doesn't give up in drawing our attention to His love. Our daughter, Heidi, her husband Greg and their three children lived with us while their new house was being built. They all knew the story of my roses so on July 6 Greg expectantly checked out what was blooming. We were in the middle of a terrible drought so I knew there would be no roses this year. Greg came inside and reported, 'There's a beautiful, large red rose." I smiled and said, "It's on the City of Hope bush." But for some reason, the gift of roses had lost its appeal for me, especially since this single rose was not on my white, once dying bush. Two months later I spoke at a women's conference where I met a newly bereaved mother. She shared with me her own rose story, of how God clearly grew a specific number of large roses at just the right time to turn her heart toward him so that she would know how intimately involved He was with her. Then she said, "It wasn't until I learned that a single red rose means 'I will love you forever' and 'utmost devotion' that I recognized God's fingerprints on this gift."

Ah! Suddenly my eyes and heart saw God's gift on that hot, dry July day. In the middle of a dry season, when everything else was dying, God sent me a love note in the shape of a single large red rose. "Sharon, remember, I will love you forever. I am forever committed to loving you."

For those skeptics reading this, it's ok that you may minimize the "echoes of mercy" that God sends to broken-hearted people, treasures designed by Him. Just as lovers have a private language that no one else can understand, we have an intimate connection with our God that only speaks to our hearts. This note is for other broken people who may need to ask God to remove the scales from their eyes so they can see and receive those treasures in the darkness, designed by God to remind them of His presence and love. Such stories encourage my own heart to trust God more.

Today, on July 6, 2010, a single red rose blooms on my City of Hope rosebush this morning, a bush I added to our rose bed in honor of Mark's birthday years ago. A treasure in the darkness, sent by our Sufficient God to remind me that He is the Lord my God, the One Who calls me by name, on the anniversary of the last day we saw our son alive seventeen years ago.

A love note from my Sufficient God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Our military men and women and their families face the struggles of everyday life compounded by the pressures of extended and frequent deployment 365 days a year. The Department of Veteran's Affairs and the Department of Defense have expressed serious concern about the mental health and well being of our troops and about the lack of available resources for them. In response to the call for help and hope for these precious warriors and their families we produced the Coming Home from War audio CD. Participants in these interviews are active and retired military who frankly address how families and couples can better prepare for and survive deployment. We confront the challenges of War and Marriage, War and the Family and The Demons of War. Because of the generous gifts of our supporters, we have distributed thousands of these resources FREE of charge to our troops and their families. Military families face the same daily challenges as non-military but deployment and long term separations magnify their struggles. In addition to the three-part Coming Home from War series, we are offering help and hope to our military families by providing full sets of the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD library to chaplains and military base family counseling centers. Our military families serve us every day. We want to serve them by giving them these resources that offer help and hope. You can serve our military families with your donation that will help underwrite these gifts.

Americans celebrate Independence Day on July 4. Since the founding of our country, citizens enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because of the sacrifices of thousands upon thousands of American citizens who gave their lives physically and emotionally to protect our freedom of religion, worship, and speech. Throughout our history, Americans have battled to not only protect our freedoms but the freedoms of citizens in other countries. None of our freedoms are truly free. They are ours because others protect them for us. A soldier or their loved ones will tell us that for those who have fought for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know. To paraphrase the words of a Vietnam Veteran, A soldier will see and hear what others who have not fought will never see or hear; A soldier will smell and taste what others who have not fought will never smell or taste; A soldier will feel, sense and always remember what others who have not fought will never know.

MARKINC Ministries has a history of supporting our military men, women and their families and salutes those who have served and are now serving to protect our freedoms and the country we love. But, a salute is not enough. As Americans look forward to celebrating Independence Day on July 4, we are launching Operation Help and Hope for Military Families. Our goal is to not only provide the Coming Home from War audio resources to our military families, but to also distribute the entire Learning To See When the Lights Go Out CD library to chaplains and military base family counseling centers free of charge to the recipients. Just as someone paid the price for our freedoms, someone must underwrite the cost of producing and distributing these resources to our military heroes. Can you help? For every gift of $35 or more, we will send the entire set of these CDs to a chaplain or military family counseling center and you will receive a thank you gift from MARKINC Ministries. For every gift of $100 we will send three full sets of these CDs and you will receive a thank you gift as well. Our military families serve us 24/7. Let's serve them by providing help and hope for their daily lives.

In His grip,

Sharon

5. Pray and worship together. Pray together every day. Sharon and I started our marriage with the habit of praying together every night before going to sleep. It's tough to pray with someone with whom you are arguing. Our children tell us that they sometimes heard us praying late at night. Such moments not only strengthen a couple but help a child feel safe.

6. Don't ever take for granted your relationship. Continually focus on growing up in your marriage. Do not discount the little things, treating each other with respect and dignity, expressing your love regularly. Early in our marriage Sharon witnessed a newly married friend looking deep into the eyes of her husband and smiling warmly. That picture imprinted on her heart the need to save her best smiles for me as well as her children. Consider how you are able to stop yelling at your spouse in order to answer the phone with warmth! How do we do that? Because we make a choice to treat others better than our spouse. This should not be so in your home.

A few years ago, the Harry S. Truman Library in Independence, MO made public 1,300 recently discovered letters that the late President wrote to his wife, Bess, over the course of a half-century. Mr. Truman had a lifelong rule of writing to his wife every day they were apart. He followed this rule whenever he was away on official business or whenever Bess left Washington to visit her beloved Independence. Scholars are examining the letters for any new light they may throw on political and diplomatic history. For our part, we were most impressed by the simple fact that every day he was away, the President of the United States took time out from his dealing with the world's most powerful leaders to sit down and write a letter to his wife. Bits & Pieces, October 15, 1992, pp. 15-16.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

3. Pick your battles. Is it really worth fighting vehemently over who takes out the trash, loads the dishwasher, is the sloppiest? You fill in your own pet peeves.

Consider this wise woman's plan for dealing with conflict:

On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'" Roderick McFarlane, in Reader's Digest, December, 1992.

4. Understand the uniqueness and greatness of Biblical roles. After 38 years of marriage, Sharon and I are still learning how to live out God's commands on marriage! How do I love her as Christ loves the church? I am willing to physically die for her but dying to myself every day is what Christ requires and my wife desires. Sharon is called on to respect and honor me, to submit to my leadership as her protector and provider. Sharon is a strong, gifted woman and it's my responsibility to make sure she has the freedom to use her gifts to build God's kingdom. Although it is much easier now because of the habits of grace God is growing in us, there are times when we must step back and resolve conflicts and differences in the context of those roles. Study Ephesians 5 together and especially note verse 21: 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 21 A marriage that lives out this command will reflect redemption. In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

1. Develop a Christocentric Worldview, in particular God's view of marriage.

Consider this challenge to live out God's call to reflect His relationship to the church in our marriages:

They say a wife and husband, Bit by bit, Can rear between themselves a mighty wall, So thick they cannot speak with ease through it, Nor can they see across it, it stands so tall. Its nearness frightens them, but each alone is powerless to tear its bulk away; And each dejected wishes he had known for such a wall, some magic thing to say. So let us build with master art, my dear, A bridge of love between your life and mine, A bridge of tenderness, and very near, A bridge of understanding, strong and fine, Till we have formed so many lovely ties, There never will be room for walls to rise. (Author unknown)

And:

Joseph H. Choate was a thorough gentleman as well as a distinguished lawyer in this country some years back. He had a quick wit which made him good copy for journalists. Someone once asked him, "Mr. Choate, if you were not yourself, who would you most like to be?" Without a second's hesitation Choate replied, "Mrs. Choate's second husband." Bits & Pieces, May 27, 1993, p. 23.

2. Marry the right person. Consider the price John Wesley and his wife paid for entering marriage without good counsel:

While crossing a bridge in London, John Wesley stumbled and sprained his ankle. Some friends carried him to the house of Mrs. Mary Vazielle on Threadneedle Street. She was a widow with several children. She cared for Wesley and his response to her concern was to ask her to marry him. If we were writing fiction we might say that the sprained ankle was God's providential way to bring those people together. But the marriage was a disaster, and Mary finally left John. Had Wesley consulted with his brother Charles, and asked for the prayers of the brethren, he might have avoided that unfortunate situation. Mary was accustomed to her quiet home, and it was difficult for her to travel with her husband and stay in uncomfortable inns. It is unfortunate that Mary was not content just to ignore John's ministry; she actually opposed it. She gave certain personal letters to his enemies and even made additions to them that made them worse! Once she even pulled her husband around on the floor by his hair! "I felt as though I could have knocked the soul out of her!" one of Wesley's friends said. Wesley concluded that his unhappy marriage encouraged him to work harder and not complain about missing the comforts of a home. Certainly it encouraged him to be away from home more! W. Wiersbe, Wycliffe Handbook of Preaching and Preachers, Moody Press, 1984, p. 246.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

People of faith often forget that the first place to serve our God is in their marriages and homes. And when we forget that important principle, we endanger the godly legacy that it is our privilege to help build. If we are going to leave a godly legacy for the next generation we must divorce-proof our home and our legacy.

A few years ago, I preached a message series titled, "Twenty-seven Precious Promises." Every week our congregation looked at a Scriptural promise from each book of the New Testament. We determined how that promise equips us to be a redemptive presence in this fallen world. We learned the definition of "redemptive presence" in

Matthew 6:33: But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

My wife, Sharon, and I chose to engrave this verse on the inside of our wedding bands as a reminder of our life calling. These few words teach us a profound truth: our faith is practical and we must choose to live life through the grid of a Biblical worldview.

How often people excited and passionate about Christ and living for Him, forget that the first place we need to be a redemptive presence is in our own homes, our own marriages. When it's easier to be holy while "serving God" at church with Christian friends, we convince ourselves that our homes are not our priority. Yet this is a lie from the enemy because it's in our homes that we show a broken world what the love of Christ really is.

In Mark 5 Jesus makes it clear that our first priority for reflecting redemption is in the context of family. In a stunning show of power, Jesus healed a demoniac by forcing the demons into a herd of pigs. Their demonic power was so great the pigs rushed over a cliff and died. The grateful man is filled with joy and passion for Christ. He wants to go with Jesus and His disciples to help build God's kingdom. Jesus' response is startling:

Jesus did not let him [go with them], but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you."

We often hear that 50% of marriages, even in the evangelical church, end in divorce. Would that statistic be different if couples applied this command to their marriages? If they saw their homes as their priority for reflecting the love of Christ - even when it's tough?
Over the next couple of weeks, we are posting Ten Ways to Help Divorce-Proof Your Marriage. We pray that God will use these nuggets to make your marriage and home your priority.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper shocked many friends and supporters when they announced the dissolution of their over forty-year marriage. They explained that there was "no one else" but that they had drifted apart. We hope that the media and public give Al and Tipper privacy and the freedom to find their way back to one another.

A friend commented, "You just never know. They always acted so in love and committed to each other." It's true. No one but the husband and wife really know what a marriage is like. And sometimes, not even the husband or wife know the true condition of their spouse's heart. We can take a lesson from our former Vice President and his wife. We must guard our marriages. Scripture teaches us much about building a strong marriage, from the Song of Solomon to thousands of verses that address how to treat one another in any relationship to the many Proverbs that directly address faithfulness between a husband and wife.

According to this very public couple, adultery is not an issue. Neither of them have turned to another person. Yet when a couple "drifts apart" the root cause is neglect of their relationship which means other priorities have created an environment of unfaithfulness to their marriage vows.

According to Jesus, it's possible to commit adultery and never have an immoral physical relationship with another person. Let's think about this for a minute. Paul declared that ALL scripture is profitable for doctrine, correction, reproof, and equipping for righteousness. Therefore, we need to determine how Jesus' warning about looking at another woman with lust in our hearts is adultery applies to each of us. How do we drift apart in marriage? Perhaps it starts when we look at any other avenue for satisfaction and that avenue does not lead us back to a stronger relationship with our spouse. Instead, we end up at the corner of Discontent and Boredom rather than at the center of Satisfaction and Delight.

There are numerous passages in Proverbs that warn a young man to avoid the adulterous woman. Many readers cannot relate to a woman dressed as a prostitute walking under their window, seductively whispering, "My husband is out for the evening, come and talk a while with me..." Yet this scripture is profitable as a means to equip us for all good works.

Proverbs 5 - 6 outlines the downward spiral of adultery with specific, graphic warnings of the outcome. If lusting after another person is not your core struggle, replace the "adulterous woman" with any desire, activity, or relationship that you may be putting before your spouse. Before you reject the possibility that you may have such an idol, consider Proverbs 29:20 - This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I've done nothing wrong." Remember, we're trying to learn from Al and Tipper and guard against drifting away from our spouse. It's time to do a marriage gut check and that won't happen if we are unwilling to consider the possibility that we need to make some changes.

After Solomon graphically warns his son in Proverbs 5, he encourages him with how to guard against anything that could distract him from his marriage:

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well...Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

There is much more in this passage than a call to recapture the ecstasy of youthful physical intimacy. One assignment we give couples struggling to rebuild their marriages, is for them to make a list of what attracted them to one another. What did they enjoy doing together in the beginning of their marriage? We try to guide them to recapture the FUN of their marriage. While this will not solve deep-seated issues, sometimes it's all a couple needs to get back on track.

Over the next couple of weeks, we will post clips from an article by Chuck, Priorities that Build Strong Marriages.

We've been married forty-one years. And we endorse Solomon's counsel to his son. It applies whether you're 21 or 62.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon

War is hell. This is not a political statement. Memorial Day is set aside as the day to remember this fact: that thousands upon thousands of Americans made the ultimate sacrifice when they went into the hell of war and didn't return to their families.

Last night we watched a movie (Taking Chance) based on a true story that chronicled the emotional journey of the Colonel who requested the privilege of escorting home a fallen Marine. It's a painful movie to watch but in honor of all those who have given their lives so that we can experience the freedoms of America, we had to see it to the end.

We both cried and the aftermath of that stark picture of the reality of the ultimate sacrifice of our military and their families will stay with us forever. We have family members who are serving us in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every day they are safe is a gift. Saturday a team from MARKINC Ministries distributed the Coming Home from Warto veterans who participated in the motorcycle Run for the Wall. Thousands of Viet Nam Veterans and their families travelled to pay tribute to the thousands of men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice but were not honored by our country until much later.

We must not forget those families and friends whose precious loved ones made the ultimate sacrifice or those who continue to pay a price only war veterans understand.

Perhaps it's because of the families we have met through the distribution of our resource, Coming Home from War, that this Memorial Day is more poignant and emotional for us. This summer we will produce the fourth interview in our Coming Home from War CD series: The Ultimate Sacrifice. We will spend time with the wife of a fallen soldier and the mother of a fallen Marine. Because of our own life journey, we intimately connect with the grief caused by death. We will continue to urge others to acknowledge that while it is possible to find purpose and joy once more, there will always be a piece of our hearts that belong to those fallen loved ones. Just acknowledging that fact gives permission to grieving people to embrace life.

We recognize that most people do not want to face the aftermath of death but on this day designed to remember, we recommend that you read this article and view the accompanying photographs and video. You will be moved to tears but your appreciation and respect will be changed forever.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon Betters

I love the way Facebook connects me with friends. Their posts keep me connected to their children's funny comments and family outings, home invasions of spiders and snakes, pictures of homeschooling projects and accomplishments, book recommendations, responses to Lost episodes and shared spiritual lessons. Facebook also gives me a glimpse and reminder of the ongoing grief some of my friends experience every single day. And especially in the midst of changing seasons.

Almost seventeen years have passed since our son, Mark, physically left our presence. He's been gone longer than he was with us. My heart aches for my son. The Ghost of Grief surprises me by its presence in the changing seasons. Every spring I express how mystified I am by the deeper level of weariness I experience and Chuck reminds me, "Changing seasons make our grief sharper, especially in the spring when we face Mother's Day and Mark's birthday once more." Aha, now I know why it's harder for me to be "nice" and control the emotions that are always just below the surface. Now I remember how much energy such self-control requires and how it saps my already low reserves of emotional strength.

I see Facebook statuses from grieving friends who are experiencing that same kind of surprising longing for their missing brothers or sisters or daughter or son. They express so beautifully their need to just talk to them one more time or their deep desire for that ultimate reunion, the wish of seeing their loved one's pleasure in their earthly accomplishments. I read these thoughts and my heart just aches with a similar longing. I can't find words to describe the ugliness of grief - sometimes just UGH.

Seventeen years later - the longing is deep and fresh and unbroken. All I need to hear from a grieving friend is "I wish....." and I know immediately the driving anguish that brings that desire to the surface. We live with it every day but once in a while we just have to say it. For all my broken hearted friends, struggling to reconcile God's sovereignty with His love, for my fellow grief travellers who are longing for those who are no longer with us physically, especially as our grief is sharpened by the changing seasons, remember this: God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down, relax My hold on you. Assuredly not! (Hebrews 13:5, Amplified) I hope this promise and song by Matt Redmond will give you a reason to release those tears and choose to trust that you are not alone in your sorrow. He's there and you are in His grip. We're there together.

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

"I can't do this. I just can't and I won't."

The morning was almost over and I was emotionally spent from all the tests required to determine if and how far the cancer had spread. The bone scan was physically painless but emotionally torturous. What if the cancer was in my bones? Would I die?

Would I need chemo-therapy? I hated needles and was terrified of nausea and vomiting. Though I hated my hair, I didn't want to lose it. Was surgery absolutely necessary?

Chuck pulled me into a small room, ready to take on anyone who may have insulted or hurt me. And I whispered again, "I can't do this, Chuck. I just can't and I won't."

"Did someone hurt you? What can't you do? What do you mean?"

"I can't have cancer. I won't. I can't do this. Doesn't God understand, this is too hard and too much?"

Twenty-three years later, whenever I hear about a cancer diagnosis in a friend, the memory of my fear of cancer and the unknown that I experienced in my battle against this aggressive, sneaky disease comes rushing back in high definition color. Once during my journey in this foreign land where I didn't know the customs, the language, the people, I listed every time I cried. I think I stopped at over twenty-five tearful moments.

I recently asked Chuck if he ever thought I would die from the cancer and he said yes. Instead of allowing that fear to root, he said he hung on to our oncologist's words, "This aggressive treatment is a six month nightmare that is an investment in the rest of your life." Chuck decided that my dying wasn't an option.

In God's plans, it obviously wasn't but it took me over a year after my last chemo treatment to feel physically normal again. And it took many years of regular bone scans and check ups before I trusted the cancer was completely gone.

Every once in a while, I have an ache or pain and my mind goes to cancer. Is it back? If it is, will it win this time?

In that split second, I am faced with a choice. If it is back, will I trust God's sovereign plan and choose to reflect Him in the journey? Will I remember the lessons of faith that God gave me in the foreign land of cancer during my first journey? This quote by Jim Andrews reminds me to look back over God's faithful presence in the daily moments and have confidence that He will keep His promises again:

What is meant by "monumental" faith? I do not mean "great" faith or heroic faith. No, this is a faith that has trained itself in the midst of adversity to look back at God's past demonstrations of his character and confirmations of his promises. These monuments are a testimony of what he will do in the present, regardless of the difficult things that are happening. Polishing God Monuments by Jim Andrews

In His Grip,
Sharon

Lord, help me sort out "important" vs. "urgent." I am very concerned about ticket sales for the Gala. I've done everything I know to do and yet sales are slow. Help me rest in You, trust You with the results of our hard work.

This was my journal entry ten days before the MARKINC Ministries Grand Dessert Gala and Mark Schultz Concert. I was worried. None of us had a good feeling about the fundraising aspects of the event. The faltering economy in our region had hit us hard, just as it had hit hard many other non-profit organizations. We had cut our budget everywhere possible and I fully expected we would need to cut even more. Yet, the requests for our resources were growing, not diminishing. While I was worried, I also expected God to use the success or failure of the fundraising of this event to guide our future vision. As I wrote up our program for the night, I included the vision of distributing 50,000 Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CDs free of charge. We need $200,000 to accomplish this goal. This goal is $80,000 higher than any other year. In addition to funds raised at the event, we are also approaching funders for grants. If we were to even come close to achieving this distribution, God had a lot of work cut out for Himself!

After recording that prayer in my journal, I turned to Psalm 20 (since it was April 20). This scripture is a prayer for King David just before he was going out to battle against a powerful enemy. His people add their prayers to his. As I read, I concluded this was God's direct response to my worrisome heart. My translation:

May God answer me. Send me help from the sanctuary, the church. May He send me help from Zion, heaven itself. May He give me the desire of my heart. May my heart (emotions, thoughts, motivations, and actions) desire only His glory. May all my plans succeed, only if they satisfy His glory. Are my plans really Yours? Some trust in chariots (hard work) and some in horses (lots of people attending the event) but I will trust in the name of the Lord and His purposes. I know we're in a spiritual war for the hearts of broken people. Proverbs teaches me to make plans by seeking advice; and that if I wage war, to obtain guidance (Proverbs 20:8). Yet with all that advice seeking and planning, I know I haven't done everything right. Our resources are so limited. At some point, I have to accept we've done all we can humanly do. Luke 14:31 - 32 reminds me to count the cost of war and when outnumbered to seek peace, to negotiate. We're outnumbered but we will not negotiate with the enemy. I surrender to my limitations and trust You to stand in the gap. I've made many mistakes and forgotten important tasks. But Lord, you are the mover of hearts. So I must rest in You and Your power. Whatever happens at the event is in Your hands.

Someone has said that worry is taking on responsibility that God never intended you to have. Sometimes I have trouble determining when I am worrying and when I am being diligent. I was definitely worrying while being diligent in this case! This Psalm confronted me with the worry part and God gave me freedom from the stress as I verbalized my repentance and embraced confidence that no matter what happened through this event, God was responsible. If we didn't raise a lot of money, that meant we needed to re-evaluate our vision in the context of God's provisions.

I'm so glad that for the next ten days I continued to work hard but without worry. Because if I hadn't I would have to accept how much energy I wasted on worry that was misplaced. God moved hearts at the Gala in a way that we could not. Guests gave and/or pledged over $135,000 through the message of this night. That is more than we have ever raised in one event.

We believe that money is the least of God's worries though it certainly is on the top of the list for ministries. God uses money to confirm a vision or a missionary's call to a foreign field. We believe that if God is in a vision then He has already given funds to His people for that vision. People just need to hear Him when He reminds them that the money doesn't belong to them, they are simply keeping it safe until time to give it to the ministry for which He earmarked it.

I'm so grateful to those who listened on Friday night! And I've shared with so many people the story of Psalm 20, that when facing an enemy with what appears to be an overpowering army, I'm learning to trust not in horses and chariots but in the name of the Lord. What horses and chariots are you depending on? Can they really accomplish what only God can do?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Every time my mind fights sleep and I start to get angry and frustrated, I remember a devotional that I heard Elisabeth Elliot's daughter, Valerie, give at a women's retreat.

We were in a conference center located in a beautiful, dessert like setting in California. I spoke several times on the topic of Treasures of Encouragement in the Wilderness of Suffering. I can't remember most of what I said but I will never forget the simple message of Valerie's devotions. We were all in our PJ's, gathered for a last few minutes before the end of the day and I was emotionally and mentally exhausted, eager to regroup.

Valerie began by sharing her own need for sleep. She said she found that if she had a certain number of hours sleep every night, she could handle the many demands of her large family. She was so committed to this number, that she planned her life around sleeping so that she could be in bed at a certain hour every night. For years, her system worked and then with no warning, she experienced sleeplessness. She panicked and started trying every means she knew to make her body fall asleep at the appointed hour. To no avail. She cried, she was irritated, frustrated, even angry that her body refused to shut down according to her predetermined schedule and needs.

Valerie described her short temper while trying to cope, how tired she was during the day and increasingly upset that she wasn't getting the sleep she knew she had to have.

I don't remember how long this sleeplessness lasted, but I became tired listening to her describe how exhausted she was as a result of what felt like never ending exhaustion.

Then Valerie confessed, "I begged God to give me sleep and He didn't answer my prayer. I was asking Him for something good, something I needed in order to do the tasks required of me as a mother and a wife. He repeatedly denied my request. I begged harder, cried more, became angrier. I demand that He keep this promise in Psalm 127:2, 'for he grants sleep to those he loves.' When He didn't, I wondered if He was even listening to me!"

I resonated with Valerie's frustration and remembered my own sleepless nights. Then she said something so simple and yet so profound I will always remember it, "I finally realized that God is sovereign over my sleep and that I could trust Him to give me the rest I needed for the tasks at hand. If I only got 4 hours of sleep instead of 8 or 9, then that must be all I needed for the day ahead. While I still longed for more sleep and I was still tired during the day, my attitude took a complete turn and I began to see that my theology applied to every day details. I had made an idol out of my sleep."

And then we prayed and went to bed!

Hmmm, I'll leave the application of this truth in your life up to you and your Father.

In His Grip,
Sharon

I couldn't sleep at all last Saturday night. And sleeplessness for me is unusual.

After tossing and turning, I finally gave up and tried the ultimate sleeping pill: Prayer.

It seems that every time Chuck and I pray these days, we end our conversation with God like this, "And, please, Lord, we need wisdom. You know the challenges facing us. Lord, wisdom, please."

So Saturday night and into early Sunday morning I listed one more time, for my God who knows everything, all the circumstances in our life as well as those in the lives of people we love.

I reminded God that He is my covenant God, that He has promised to hear me and that if I need wisdom, He will give it to me. Just ask.

I told Him how much I love the people who are on my heart and asked Him to burden my heart with others who might not be sleeping either because of great sorrow or excruciating decisions or broken relationships. Things I wouldn't know but secrets known only to Him.

I fell asleep with one particular family on my mind as I asked God to give them a sense of His presence while they struggled to make sense of their own life difficulties.

Before going to church I sent a quick email to my friend, telling her that God kept me awake with her needs on my heart and that I had asked Him to give her strength beyond herself as she faced that day.

Sunday night I read a response. Why was I shocked to learn that at almost the exact time in the middle of the night that God burdened me with her name that she was facing yet another crisis? My momentary shock gave way to feeling humbled that God would give me the privilege of staying awake through the night to pray for a dear sister who could not pray for herself in those moments. As I write this I am overcome with a deep appreciation for God's love for my friend, that He connected me to her through prayer. And I know that hearing that God had moved me to pray at that exact moment reminded her that she is His child, that He is the Lord her God and that He calls her by name. I am so humbled by God using me as a channel of His compassion!

Are you sleepless in your hometown? Can you surrender to the sleeplessness as a gift from God so that you can pray for those He loves? Have you told His children that He reminded you to pray for them?

This incident reminds me of the truth of Encouragement Principle #9 in my book, Treasures of Encouragement: Consistent, fervent prayer is the greatest treasure of encouragement we have to offer. I need to remember to offer this gift more often.

I'd love to hear your story of how God reminded you of His love through the prayers of someone else. Or, how God reminded you of His love for you by giving you the privilege of praying for that friend.

Prayer - the greatest treasure of encouragement

In His Grip,
Sharon

Cancer. Breast Cancer. The words strike terror into the heart of any woman. True life stories of women who have fought or are fighting this battle give us courage in our own life struggles. Help me honor these valiant women by telling their stories in my blog posts. These women and the example of those who have come alongside of them to encourage them to fight hard and trust God's presence will encourage and equip readers to do the same. These stories will help lead up to the month of May when we often focus on breast cancer in honor of Mother's Day.

I was thirty-nine years old when I heard that diagnosis of the beginnings of Stage III breast cancer. How could it be? I share my story in the article, Every Day Lived Since Cancer is Sweet Victory.

I learned a lot about myself during the months following my diagnosis and during the aggressive six months of chemotherapy. I also learned a lot about the power of encouragement. The women of our church decided to walk through this foreign land with me and they wouldn't let me keep them out. I share some of the practical ways they encouraged me in the article Helping a Friend Through Breast Cancer.

They held up our arms when we couldn't function on our own. When we lost our son, they flew to our wounded hearts again.

One of the fruits of these two broken places in our lives is my book, Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church. We have put together a special Mother's Day Gift Package that includes Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church and the Treasures of Encouragement Annual Planner. As a special bonus, we will include the hour long interview. ORDER NOW! Chuck and I did on our journey through breast cancer from our Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD library. The gift package is ready to give, including a gift bag, gift card, and tissue paper. We hope this gift will not only encourage and equip your loved ones, but also remind them to get a mammogram, perhaps in honor of Mother's Day!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Over the next few weeks Chuck and I will add some joint posts on our blogs. This one is from Chuck.

"All you have to do is preach through Hebrews 11 and I'll do the rest." Sharon had just shared one of our dreams with me. She loved Hebrews 11 and wanted to write a book on what she called "God's Waiting Room." She also wanted us to co-author the book. She said my task would be to research and preach on each character in the chapter. She would condense the preaching into book form.

I responded, "As long as all I have to do is preach. Yes, I can do that."

It was fun to see how excited she was as we mapped out a timeline and talked through the process we would follow.

As the sermon series unfolded and Sharon transcribed every message and organized the material, we began to see that preaching doesn't always lend itself to writing. This process would be much more difficult than we expected. I preached fourteen sermons on Abraham alone. This promised to be a grueling process.

Anyone who writes books knows that publishing dates often get moved up. But this was not an option for us. Every year the Women in the Church of the Presbyterian Church in America recommends a small group Bible study . That year they were holding a national conference and would introduce our book as the recommended small group study for that following year. Our publisher endorsed our plan and we committed to a detailed timeline for getting finished chapters to our editor. While it was difficult we met every deadline.

Through circumstances beyond our control, the publication of the book was delayed. The Women in the Church leadership told our publisher that if it was not in their offices by a specific date, they would not be able to recommend it as the small group Bible study.

Suddenly we had about two months to edit, finalize and publish not only the book but a detailed Leaders Guide. The editing process had not even begun. Anyone with any sense knew that we were embarking on an impossible task. But everyone involved agreed it was worth trying.

Let the writing marathon begin. Every few days we received two edited chapters from our publisher., one for the book and one for the Leaders Guide. After a couple of weeks of non-stop writing that started earlier every day and lasted until late at night, I knew Sharon could not keep up this pace. One of the themes of the book was cultivating community and becoming channels of God's compassion. I told Sharon she needed to practice what she was preaching. Ask two of her writing friends to help her write the Leaders Guide. These two women joined the writing team and their fingerprints are all over the Leaders Guide. We wouldn't have met our deadline without them.

Fifty-seven sermons and months of intense writing later, Treasures of Faith: Living Boldly in View of God's Promises arrived in the offices of the Presbyterian Church in America in time to meet the deadline. That fall it was introduced to several thousand women at the conference in Atlanta as the recommended Bible study for the year.

This book is filled with in-depth Bible study that gets the reader into the skin of each person in our spiritual family. Sharon says that sometimes she couldn't see the keyboard or computer screen as she wrote because of how emotionally connected she felt to the biblical person she was writing about.

We are offering Treasures of Faith at a reduced price and including an Introductory CD interview in which Sharon and I talk about the writing process and this study. Click here to order. We also have a Small Group Study Package that includes 10 books, 10 Bonus CD's and a FREE Leaders Guide for a savings of $78 off the retail price.

This book traces our spiritual family tree and will change the way you think about your spiritual roots. For more details visit our Treasures of Faith book page

Remember Sharon's promise that all I would have to do is preach? Not. I'll share more about the book in the next few weeks.

In His Grip,
Dr. Chuck Betters