12 Days of Christmas Grief Relief - Day 6

About two weeks before Thanksgiving every year I begin to feel disorganized, disconnected and emotionally edgy. Responding to irritations without irritation is more difficult. Anger and impatience vie for top billing in situations that don't normally rattle me. And every year Chuck reminds me that my root problem is grief. I miss Mark. Over fifteen years after Mark's accident and the freight train of sorrow still surprises me with its ferocity and power.

It's not until I embrace the longing for what was that I'm able to experience joy in the sorrow. This year on December 4, I wrote in my journal:

I miss Mark. What else is there to say? I want my son. Do I trust You? Do I know You are sovereign, that You are good all the time? Yes. Yet living in the context of Your sovereign love does not change my longing for Mark. I want to see him, to touch him, to hug him, to ruffle his dark, curly hair, to watch his strong hands grasp his drum sticks and beat out the rhythms of Shine, Jesus, Shine, one more time. I want to see him interact with Heidi, Chuck and Dan as an adult. I want my son. To see his smile, his beautiful eyes framed by those incredibly long eyelashes. I miss him. What he was, what he would be. Oh God, yes, I know You are sovereign. I can trust You. You are good all the time. I know this. And I miss Mark and I long for what was. There. I said it. I want my child.

Grief is hard work. And fighting the natural longing for what was requires powerful energy. Sometimes the best weapon is to acknowledge your inability to break the ache in your soul for the one who is missing. And then armed with that truth, tackle the tasks of the day, sowing seed while weeping, believing that such obedience will one day reap joy.

Your Father welcomes your tears, your pounding on His chest, your admission of what feels like weak faith. But my friend, when you take your longings to Him, your "weak faith" is actually priceless faith, because it reveals your trust that He is sovereign and that He is the only One Who can bring any sense to this senseless moment.

So after I expressed what was obvious to my husband and those who love me, what happened? I remembered the pain of that first Christmas, where the shepherds watched over lambs being prepared for sacrifice, where a young virgin gave birth to a little boy in a stable after a long, arduous journey. Instead of her mother and trusted friends ministering to her and encouraging her through her labor pains, surrounded by dirty animals and all the smells that go with them. Instead of a clean cradle, a manger. Instead of familiar family members welcoming her baby, strange wise men and shepherds. And eventually, instead of a secure home, running for their lives with the screams of mothers as their boys were murdered by marauding soldiers echoing in their hearts.

And I thanked God that out of that first Christmas pain comes redemption. And out of my pain, comes hope and confidence that God is sovereign and I can trust Him, even with the longing for what was.

I also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites I have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles

In His Grip,
Sharon