MARKINC Ministries

Making Abundant Riches Known In the Name of Christ

Encouragement in the Wilderness of Suffering - Part 1

Posted At : August 6, 2008 10:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

I just learned of a horrific accident that took the life of a ten year old boy. His mother and sister are injured but will survive. This family desperately needs their friends and family to surround them with the hope and courage that only faith in Christ can give. I don't know this family but I can guarantee that their friends and family are feeling completely helpless to offer that hope and help this morning.

In every Q & A session I have during a conference, someone describes an accident like this and then asks, "How can we help this family?" And vignettes from the hours after the death of our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, flash in my soul, one gut-wrenching picture after another.

But fast-forward far enough and I begin to see the treasures of encouragement that God sent through His people to help turn our hearts toward Him. In my book, Treasures of Encouragement, I list things to not say and do as well as what to say and do. Below are things NOT to say and do. In my next post I'll list things TO say and do. If you don't need this list now, you will, so feel free to copy it and tuck it away for future ministry. Better yet, get a copy of Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church and learn how thinking biblically prepares you to encourage others to trust God in the darkness.

From Treasures of Encouragement, pages 191 - 192:

A sensitive heart does not say:
~I understand.
~Call me if you need me.
~You can have more children, get married again, fill your life with other things, etc.
~I don't know what to do. (And then prove it by doing nothing.)
~God needed him more than you.
~God must really love you to put you through this.
~You have to get on with your life.
~Don't cry.
~Be strong!

A sensitive heart does not...
~Try to be always cheerful.
~Try to explain why.
~Think her grieving friend is crazy.
~Compare losses.

What's your encouragement story?

Next: What a sensitive heart will say and do.

Until then, may you experience God's special presence as you offer your friend the treasures of His encouragement.

In His grip,
Sharon

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a's Gravatar Until now this has only been shared with the original recipient, although, still with some reluctance I feel called to share it here now. Below is an excerpt from something I wrote after God called me to come along side a co-worker who lost her one-month old son. Not a journey I would have chosen for myself, however, one God knew He wanted me to experience up-close and personal. Only now can I see what a blessing it was...a treasure in the darkness. Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely unbearable seeing someone else go through such pain, although, it proved to bring me closer to my God and more in line with who He wanted me to be.

The caring thoughts that were thought but never shared...
The times of concern felt but never relayed...
The what ifs, the I should haves, and I shouldn’t haves...
A precious life has come and gone in a flash yet touched the lives of many...
Even more so than some who have lived a life-time...
The whys, how comes, and it can’t be...
The flood of emotion not to be understood but to be embraced...
The regrets for what has been and what has not...
Must it take such a tragedy to bring mankind to their knees to realize what is truly important...
Is this merely a momentary change in mannerisms or a true change in being...
The sacrifice of such a precious life must give call to a higher purpose...
Will the higher purpose be embraced or dismissed...
To care without sharing lends itself to nothingness...
The caring will then continue without truly serving a purpose...
Maybe even the ‘higher purpose’ intended...

I can’t say that I truly understand the full impact that event had on my life nor do I understand why I was chosen to be part of such a significant life-changing event, but, I can say without hesitation that if you find yourself in a similar circumstance. ‘Don’t shy away from it out of fear! Embrace it!’ I still don’t always say the ‘right thing’ in such circumstances; however, I also don’t say a lot of the wrong things that I might have previously said largely in-part to your book Sharon. In fact, more often than not I find myself stepping outside my comfort zone more and more as the years go by which we are all instructed to do.

Sharon - Although I never knew Mark I am blessed with knowing you and your family now. Every year, particularly when certain key dates come and go, despite most often being accompanied with a soft smile, your eyes tell a very different story. Although it continues to be unbearable seeing the pain in your eyes, as well as in your family’s eyes, Thank You for maintaining your transparency even now! I pray that others, including myself, continue to faithfully come along side you and your family as God calls them to do so. With much love…
# Posted By a | 8/7/08 3:18 AM
Michelle's Gravatar Are these lists only for people who have lost a loved one? It seems to me that many of these items could apply to those who suffer in any way. Do other ways of suffering even "count" in this economy of lists? And aren't we called by the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our trials to comfort others in any trial (2 Corinthians 1) from the comfort that we ourselves have received from God? I find it difficult to get my mind around the idea that since I have not suffered in the specific way you have that my suffering work counts for little or nothing. That can't be true. You're not saying that, right?
# Posted By Michelle | 2/9/09 11:50 AM
Michelle's Gravatar Posted but I think my comment got lost in the ether...
Are these lists for people who suffer many things in many ways or are they just for people who have lost a specific loved one? The idea of lists of "Do's and Don'ts" makes me uncomfortable. When I try to imagine making a do's or don'ts list of things for my situations I just feel silly. People and situations are so individual. I could have a list of "10 Things Not to Say to Little Boys who Have an Autism Spectrum Disorder and a Facial Difference." (You can imagine the comments both our family and our son have had to deal with over the years.) Perhaps I am missing the point and have grieved for things that are not specific enough to warrant lists? "Don't compare losses" works both ways. Job-like, I have lost much along the path God has chosen for me and I have grieved much. Most of which goes unnoticed because it isn't a sudden catastrophe. Does that make my grief work less meaningful? Am I not able to comfort others in any trouble with the comfort I have received from God? I feel very strongly in the various things that I have suffered that it is my job to extend grace to those around me even in spite of my pain. Grief does not excuse me from being graceful with the people who say the "wrong" things or don't do anything to help. I feel like I am committing heresy by saying these things almost in disagreement with you. Maybe I just am missing the main point. Am I?
# Posted By Michelle | 2/9/09 12:07 PM
Sharon's Gravatar I so appreciate both comments, the one from "a" who shares so transparently the treasures of walking alongside one who is in such deep grief and the one added by Michelle, asking about the lists. Michelle, your questions are insightful and important. Of course, these lists are originally part of a whole, Treasures of Encouragement, and perhaps printing just this section was risky. Right after we lost Mark a young man whose two brothers had died in a car accident 4 months before Mark and Kelly, stopped by. We tried to convey to him that we could not begin to understand his grief - the loss of both brothers! He stopped us and said, "We can't compare grief, your grief is yours and is just as deep and wide as mine." He wisely cautioned us that grief cannot be measured, it is unique to each individual. When I say do not compare losses, I mean that we must be careful not to say such things as, "I know just how you feel because......" One gentleman told us he knew how we felt because he had just lost his job. A grief? Absolutely. But small comfort to us as we tried to understand our son's absence. You are correct in saying that we must respond with gentleness to those who say or do the wrong things. I believe I included that in Treasures in Darkness - that we must look at the intent of the person's heart and trust they are stepping outside of their comfort zones in order to extend mercy and comfort. It is much easier to do that as grief does its work in maturing our hearts and souls. Whenever I have a Q & A during a speaking engagement I am always asked for lists like this and when I wrote Treasures of Encouragement I was encouraged to include as many practical encouragement ideas as possible because most people want to be encouragers, they just don't know how. Sometimes lists help prime the pump. And oh, Michelle, you are so right to believe that every circumstance in your life is a gift to give back to people, an opportunity to understand and comfort others with the comfort with which you have been comforted. Thank you for such good questions - and I would never think of them of heresy! Please keep asking and sharing the wisdom God is giving you in your life journey!
# Posted By Sharon | 2/9/09 5:28 PM
Michelle's Gravatar Oh, thank you, Sharon, for not criticizing me for asking questions! I have had these questions for years since we went to GRPC and was not comfortable asking them then. You are right about this being a good form of communication! :) I have felt very frustrated over the years that my losses have been "hidden" ones. Ones that are not so "public" and obvious. I grieved for years after Julie's birth because of the trauma of almost losing her. I was truly devastated by the experience, but no one noticed and I was too wrapped up in my own pain to speak up - after all, my baby lived when other's babies did not, shouldnt I be happy? It actually took the support of an online group of ladies who had gone through the same thing (some whose babies lived and many whose babies did not) to set my feet on a level path again and get to the heart of my problem - guilt. I felt that I had hurt my baby. I knew she was dying in my body and I begged to be put to sleep so I would not have to witness her death. Oh, guilt ravaged me for years. (They didn't put me to sleep, either. And I walked though the valley of the shadow...I FELT it in the room. It was dark and horrible and it WANTED my baby.) It has taken me a long time over birthdays and holidays and "happy" occasions where I grieved for the healthy baby I lost and the "new" "different" "injured" baby I was given. And no one knew at church. And I could not articluate it to anyone. Until I found those like minded ladies who came beside me and comforted me and told me in no uncertain terms that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT and I did not hurt my baby on purpose. I still struggle with this on occasion and though I am not still on the online group, Clint sets me straight: "You're feeling guilty again Michelle." I used to have flashbacks and dreams where I lost the baby, where was the baby? Awful. OK, I have just unburdened myself. :) My question: how do lists apply to people like me, where the grief runs deep and is not obvious?
# Posted By Michelle | 2/10/09 3:34 PM
Sharon's Gravatar Again, you are raising such good questions and I am confident you are not alone in your struggles. Your story actually gives part of the "solution" to your pain. You mention finding an online group of women who helped you navigate some of your grief. Women who had experienced similar loss and understand how complicated your sorrow is. I think this showcases exactly God's plan for us. I love the conversation God had with Abraham in Genesis 121 and 15, where He announces that Abraham is now His child and He makes the covenant promise - that He will build a covenant family out of Abraham, that He will bless Abraham, He will bless the covenant family and He will make them a blessing. And that He will never leave Abraham. In Galatians we read that the same promises God made to Abraham are ours when we embrace Jesus. What a message of hope and for me, a map for life. Every child of God is fulfillment of that promise. And the covenant family is to be a place of comfort and blessing. God created us to need each other. We need small groups of friends who see us as we are, with whom we can be transparent. We need spiritual mothers (not necessarily someone who meets with us every week, see some of my other blog posts on this topic) who nurture us and call back that God is sovereign and we can trust Him. And we need to give to others the comfort that He has given us. I think that we get in trouble when we look for recipes (the danger of lists!) and insist that the only comfort or relationship we will accept as total must fit that recipe. For instance, I'm sometimes asked by a young woman to mentor her. I always ask her exactly what she means by that word. We sell ourselves short if we conclude we don't have a spiritual mother or mentor if they don't meet with us every week or are not accessible to us 24/7 one on one. Let's face it, when we're grieving, we're often insane and we need someone (like your husband) to help us see life through the grid of reality. If you haven't read my book, Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart, I hope you will. In it I share some of the same sorrows you describe and how I found hope and joy in God's Word and His presence. Love you, Michelle!
# Posted By Sharon | 2/13/09 9:02 AM
Michelle's Gravatar Thank you, thank you for your paitience with me and my questions. :) I will get Treasures in Darkness. It will help, I know. I like your comment about being insane in grief. As the Psalmist says (and I read often) "I was senseless and ignorant, a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward youo will take me into glory." Ps 73:21-25. And I love verse 26: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." My flesh and heart have failed me over and over but God is Strength, my strength - personally. Hard to get my mind around that. Also, I liked what you said about women wanting that one other woman to talk to her every week. Been there, had that. Been there without that. And for me the lesson is: I am to look to God first. Other support, etc is a blessing and a bonus. And so often it is not where I'd "like" support to come from or would have looked for it. And even more often, it is when I am extenting myself to another (being self forgetful) even in my pain, situations, etc that God raises someone up to speak a Word to me. I have lots of hospital stories, as you can imagine. :) And that's not "mentoring" per se. My Pastor here has ministered to me greatly in dealing with my situations, but he is not necessarily a "mentor." I know I need to read your other book because I know what I am dealing with: despair. It's been 18 months since my head injury. I drive within my town. I didn't write for a year. I am too physically tired to do much at all. And the stinky thing is I got hurt when we moved into our house in NJ. I was doing something "noble," moving to give my son a chance to have something like a healthy life. And...WHAM! Now I'm disabled! (And he is doing better than we could have imagined.) I have a walker. My balance is shot. Sharon, in typical Michelle style this is perfectly ridiculous! Because the thing is: I don't get better and stay better: I get better and get worse over and over again. So, like I said, I struggle with despair - I am I stuck like this? I'm 35 years old, for heaven's sake. My daughter saw the label on my walker and said: that only shows old people. Lke I said: ridiculous. So I'm going to get your book and it's going to speak to me, I am sure. Oh, and BTW, through the Brain Injury Association I got a mentor who has been through a brain injury too. And she called me every week for over a year. And she was (and is) a light in a dark place. Ironic. :)
# Posted By Michelle | 2/13/09 12:01 PM
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