Old Flames and Facebook

This is a long post but it's such an important topic, I don't care! Please read it to the end. A news story crossing the airwaves on November 18, 2010:

Pastor's Order, Thou Shalt Not Facebook: The Rev. Cedric A. Miller has had it with Facebook and what he says it is doing to couples coming to him for counseling. So he is giving his married church leaders until Sunday to get off the social-network website or resign their posts.

The senior pastor at Living Word Christian Fellowship Church, an interdenominational and evangelical church here (New Jersey), said a large percentage of his counseling in the past year and a half has been for marital problems, including infidelity, stemming from Facebook.

While the news media will make fun of this pastor for taking such a bold stand and perhaps friends and office acquaintances will twitter (no pun intended) and giggle over such a silly pronouncement, there are thousands of others who will privately wish they could demand the same boundaries for their own marriages. Just last week several women and I discussed the dangers of reconnecting with old flames on Facebook and other networking sites. At the end of our conversation they encouraged me to address the topic in my blog. I hesitated because I knew I would be stirring up a hornet's nest. But I agree with the pastor's assessment about the dangers of social networking sites. So here goes. Believe it or not, there is an actual expert on the topic of reuniting with old flames through Facebook and other social networking sites. Her conclusions are based not on personal opinion but studies of couples. According to her website, Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. http://drnancykalish.com/ has been conducting research on reunited couples since 1993 and is recognized as the international expert on rekindled romances and lost loves. Her landmark study of 1001 people worldwide who tried reunions with former sweethearts was reported in her popular book, Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (hardcover by William Morrow, Inc., 1997; paperback by iUniverse.com Back-in-Print, 2005). She has also written The Lost Love Chronicles: Reunions and Memories of First Love (2005) which appears in ebook, audiobook, and Kindle formats.

In the 1990's and mid-2000's Dr. Kalish conducted two studies that reveal surprising facts. She took a look at people who reunited before the internet exploded and a second group who reunited through the internet.

She examines her findings in her book Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance. I was intrigued to read that 76% of pre-internet and 78% of first-love re-connections in Phase 1 culminated in happy marriages with a later divorce rate of 2%. Wonderful news! I was shocked to read that of the reunions in the second group, i.e. people who reunited via the internet, only 5% of these relationships resulted in happily ever after marriages. Ok, she hooked me into reading more. What was the difference?

Before the internet, how could you reunite with a "lost love?" You had to ask the ex-boyfriend's mom for his phone number or plan out a chance meeting. In the first group study, over 2/3 of those who reunited with old flames were single and asking for an old boyfriend's phone number or checking up on his life would be a natural conversation that might get a few knowing smiles but would be considered appropriate behavior for a single woman. Enter the internet and social networking. Suddenly, it's easy to find and connect with an old flame, privately, so that you can explore the relationship without anyone knowing or judging your interaction. So what's wrong with that? Well, in the second group 2/3 of the participants were married. And here's the stunning result of those innocent, good intentioned reconnections according to Dr. Kalish's study: 62% of these married people progressed from an innocent reconnection into a full blown adulterous affair.

Again, according to the participants, they were happily married and had no desire to cross any moral lines. Even more amazing is that most of the time, the spouses endorsed the reconnection, often coming along to meet the "old flame" for lunch or dinner. After all, "we're just two old friends catching up on life." Right?

I hesitated to address this topic because I am confident many people have reconnected with old flames via the internet and the result has been a renewed friendship that is completely innocent and healthy. But Dr. Kalish's studies affirm the low grade anxiety I have sensed in the women who have expressed to me their fears over their husband's internet relationships. Rev. Miller's public pronouncement about the dangers of Facebook are not over exaggerated in the marriage counseling room.

But is it Facebook's fault that so many marriages are impacted by these reunions? Of course not. We are responsible for our choices and we can't fall back on "Facebook made me do it!" If adultery was only a "small temptation" for a limited audience, God probably wouldn't have mentioned it in the Ten Commandments. Because it's one of TEN, it's likely this is a common temptation that needs extra vigilance. NO ONE is exempt from temptation. A major reason why more people do not commit adultery is because they admit their vulnerability to immoral relationships and put up boundaries to remove the opportunity for temptation. I don't buy cookies because if they are in the house I will eat them and lose all self-discipline when it comes to other sugary treats. Likewise, when a woman marries, she is making a decision to avoid any relationship that tempts her to betray her marriage vows. That's true about every potential sin. As we mature, we identify our Achilles Heal and we wisely create fences to shore up our defensives that will make it harder to take a pathway that might at first feel really good but leads to destruction. For instance, an alcoholic avoids package stores or hanging out at bars. A person addicted to pornography puts safety measures in place on her computer. Before the internet, connecting with an old flame was accepted for what it was - tempting yourself to betray your spouse with an old boyfriend. Social networking sites and the internet make it much more difficult to create and maintain relational fences. Facebook gives us the ability to reconnect with an old flame in the context of innocence. You can even cultivate the relationship with flirtatious, playful banter while your husband is sitting next to you on your sofa watching television. He doesn't even know that you are involved in emotional foreplay with a former boyfriend (or maybe even a potential new boyfriend). And if he expresses concerns, your defense is that if you were doing anything wrong, you certainly wouldn't be doing it with him in the room. He's the one with the suspicious mind. You're just friends. What's wrong with him? Why does he have such a "dirty mind?" Temptations are not the problem. We are all tempted in some way. The problem is when we fool ourselves into believing we are strong enough to hold the line. Perhaps it's a matter of ego. Can you recognize the danger of the flutter in your stomach when a former boyfriend playfully reminds you of a fun-filled intimate moment and implies longing for what was? Or do you enter into the flirtatious mode yourself, rationalizing that was years ago and we're adults now. Do you understand the seeds of discontent that could be planted? I know that some of you are thinking that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I'm wondering what you're willing to give up in order to protect the purity of your own marriage. Be careful. We are like frogs in the kettle, jumping into a lukewarm pot that slowly simmers into a boiling cauldron.

Let's get back to Dr. Kalish's study. Most of the old flame reunions that resulted in cheating also resulted in getting caught. And what happens when adulterers are caught? Total destruction and shattered lives. Most of the cheating men remained with their broken-hearted wives and many of the cheating women were thrown out by their enraged husbands. Yes, sin is pleasant for a season but then comes destruction.

So what's the answer? Chuck and I have access to one another's email, social networking, phones, etc.. In some other blogs I've addressed some practical fences to put into place that will act as red lights for wise couples. But a disturbing conclusion of this study was that happily married people were vulnerable to the powerful pull of lost loves. Do not be fooled. Lost loves can try to recreate a fantasy of youth and innocence. See it for what it is - fantasy. If you are concerned about your husband's internet relationships, share this information with him and ask him to agree on how to proceed with such reconnections, if at all. If you are the one involved with an old flame, instead of private communication on any level, include your husband, even if he could care less and trusts you implicitly. You will be doing your old flame and his wife a favor if they know that every word you exchange with him is read by your husband. Another fence for you is to imagine his wife reading your communication with him. Another good fence is that any relationship that doesn't enhance your marriage is a bad relationship and that includes girlfriends along with old flames. End those relationships now. As I'm re-reading this post, I'm beginning to wonder why any of us would want to pursue a relationship with an old flame or anyone else that requires so many safeguards? What is it about that other person that is so enticing? And isn't that in itself a warning sign that this relationship has two many risks that require emotional energy that is better invested in building up your marriage? One wife asked me what could be so special about that old girlfriend that her husband was more willing to hurt this wife than to end contact with the "other woman." That question deserves an answer. What is the pay off that makes the anxiety worth it?

Is it possible to have a friendship with an old flame? Of course. But let's be careful out there. Facts don't lie. And Dr. Kalish has given us some startling facts that can reinforce the fences of your marriage. Let the games begin. What do you think?

In His grip,

Sharon

If you are someone you know is involved in an adulterous relationship or is trying to restore a broken marriage impacted by adultery, this resource is for you. Click the link for a free download or order a CD: Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption