Cancer Memories

"I can't do this. I just can't and I won't."

The morning was almost over and I was emotionally spent from all the tests required to determine if and how far the cancer had spread. The bone scan was physically painless but emotionally torturous. What if the cancer was in my bones? Would I die?

Would I need chemo-therapy? I hated needles and was terrified of nausea and vomiting. Though I hated my hair, I didn't want to lose it. Was surgery absolutely necessary?

Chuck pulled me into a small room, ready to take on anyone who may have insulted or hurt me. And I whispered again, "I can't do this, Chuck. I just can't and I won't."

"Did someone hurt you? What can't you do? What do you mean?"

"I can't have cancer. I won't. I can't do this. Doesn't God understand, this is too hard and too much?"

Twenty-three years later, whenever I hear about a cancer diagnosis in a friend, the memory of my fear of cancer and the unknown that I experienced in my battle against this aggressive, sneaky disease comes rushing back in high definition color. Once during my journey in this foreign land where I didn't know the customs, the language, the people, I listed every time I cried. I think I stopped at over twenty-five tearful moments.

I recently asked Chuck if he ever thought I would die from the cancer and he said yes. Instead of allowing that fear to root, he said he hung on to our oncologist's words, "This aggressive treatment is a six month nightmare that is an investment in the rest of your life." Chuck decided that my dying wasn't an option.

In God's plans, it obviously wasn't but it took me over a year after my last chemo treatment to feel physically normal again. And it took many years of regular bone scans and check ups before I trusted the cancer was completely gone.

Every once in a while, I have an ache or pain and my mind goes to cancer. Is it back? If it is, will it win this time?

In that split second, I am faced with a choice. If it is back, will I trust God's sovereign plan and choose to reflect Him in the journey? Will I remember the lessons of faith that God gave me in the foreign land of cancer during my first journey? This quote by Jim Andrews reminds me to look back over God's faithful presence in the daily moments and have confidence that He will keep His promises again:

What is meant by "monumental" faith? I do not mean "great" faith or heroic faith. No, this is a faith that has trained itself in the midst of adversity to look back at God's past demonstrations of his character and confirmations of his promises. These monuments are a testimony of what he will do in the present, regardless of the difficult things that are happening. Polishing God Monuments by Jim Andrews

In His Grip,
Sharon