Conflict Resolution from the Heart

Isn't it interesting that when Jesus and scripture talk to us about resolving conflict, they both command us to examine our own hearts (James 4:1-3), not the heart of the other person. I have a lot of trouble with this command. My emotions and self-righteousness take me right into judging the motives and selfishness (my conclusions) of the other person. I kind of hate it when someone reminds me that my own heart needs to be addressed first. It's pretty interesting that when I actually stop and obey God's instructions, how embarrassed I typically am by my over-reaction to what often end up as imaginary hurts inflicted by someone who has no clue about my thin skin. Peacemaker Ministries offers many resources that get to the heart of human conflict. One of the articles that I have been using in my own personal study is by Ken Sande, Getting to the Heart of Conflict It's adapted from his Peacemaking for Families

Discontent is at the root of many deep conflicts. There are so many quotes that caught my attention:

Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our own hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart and quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way.

Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts.When we see our object of desire as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand. "I wish I could have this" evolves into "I must have this."

As you search your heart for idols, you will often encounter multiple layers of concealment, disguise, and justification.

And this one REALLY struck my core: One of the most subtle cloaking devices is to argue that we want only what God Himself commands.

It is often not what we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate sexual relationship with his wife, or for the wife to want open and honest communication with her husband but if [these desires] turn into demands that must be met in order for either spouse to be satisfied and fulfilled, they result in bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a marriage (quotes adapted from Peacemaking for Families)

I hope these quotes will whet your appetite enough to check out the full articleGetting to the Heart of Conflict

It's loaded with scripture and is a great tool for a life-changing personal study. I'm almost afraid to dig deep into it because I know how good my heart is at making myself look good to myself. And I don't do criticism well. Ugh.

This is good stuff.

In His grip, Sharon