Grief and Anger, Part 3

Here ia another insightful response to my friend's question about grief and anger.

While I agree with everything that has been said, I would like to add a fresh, real perspective on anger in grief. One of the best things I have learned about grief is that the "phases" that you go through do not run in a line. You don't pass through one and never return to it, nor do you accomplish one, move onto the next and then cross a finish line in the grief process. It is a circular cycle. Sometimes you hit the different phases in order around the circle and sometimes you bounce back and forth. Anger comes and goes, and comes again. My friend told me to view it as an upward spiral. You should always be moving upward, visiting different phases along the way, but every so often something will cause you to drop lower ... you might travel at that level for a while, but then move on upward again. It is continual. I was relieved to know that anger was something that would visit me on occasion and then leave again, but that it was normal and I could expect to see it again. The first few "visits" with anger are hard to adjust to, but soon you begin to recognize them and then learn how to handle them when they come.

There were days when my anger felt like fire burning behind my eyes....like fumes were rising from my head! I felt evil. Those days, I tried as hard as I could to stay away from my kids, and sometimes from my husband. I knew I wasn't safe to be around. Other times my anger wasn't as easy to recognize...I would take it out on my husband and the kids, not even knowing I was angry inside. My kids do it too. They let anger out masked in bad behavior or in fighting with each other. I try to correct their behavior, but also realize they need to feel it. Sometimes I get fuming angry at stuff that is going on in other people's lives and things I read online, in the news, on FB, It is hard to handle the trivia of other peoples' lives when they make such mountains out of molehills.

One thing that I do with my frustration is write in a journal....that often helps a lot. I also vent to a friend who can take it, and I have found that investing into "tedious" work (like crocheting, cleaning, digging in dirt) all helps to put the frustration somewhere. I never give my kids a bath when I am angry. My husband and I have never fought much in our marriage. Now we "fight" often (granted we are both deep in grief) but still....we have to work hard on communicating, forgiving, and asking for forgiveness.

When you are this fresh in grief, your anger toward God, or whatever it is directed at....is only one of the reasons why you feel so far away and "disconnected" from God. Even though you know He is so present, (and often feel very close to Him) you also feel so lost and confused. I didn't want to even pick up my Bible, or listen to any music. Not only did I struggle with concentrating while reading....I just couldn't do it. I was overloaded. Everyone sent music, books, and encouraged me to read my Bible and pray....those were the last things I wanted to do...nor could I do them even if I tried. Nothing makes you feel better....not even God's word, or your husband or kids. Sometimes you feel angry at them for taking away your freedom to grieve the way you want to! I sometimes view my kids as a "ball and chain" in grief. Ugh. So frustrating. especially when you love them so much at the same time! What it all comes down to is complete brokenness. Admit it, realize that you can't fix it, ask God to help you, and then face the day and endure it. Looking back on each day you will see that God provided for that day. He will do it again. I have a friend who lost her daughter only 5 months before I lost mine. It is nice to write to her on FB back and forth. I always appreciate her for being real. She tells me her frustrations...and they usually mirror mine. I realize then that what I am going through is normal and ok. Keep focused on Jesus, yes, but know that you need to be angry. Work hard to avoid "sinning" in your anger, but know that you will fail! and then ask for forgiveness, forgive, and be forgiven. My own sin has been so heavily revealed to me in my grief. Sometimes I wonder why that has to be added to the mix. God just wants me to see how little I am and how big He is.

Remember that in grief, you are filled to the top with pain...there is no reserve....so the littlest things push you over the edge (you wonder where it came from), you do things that don't match your character, you have very little filter. You need extra grace.

Another suggestion I have is to go away (maybe even all alone) for a few days. I have gone to to a beach twice now. The first time I went all alone. I walked on the beach for miles, got very little sleep, and just emptied myself of all that I carry every day. I would encourage you to read the book "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Lindbergh....it's an easy read, not Christian, but very good for your soul. I read it every time I go away by myself.

My Response

I'm on holy ground when these women share their hearts in order to encourage a sister in her own journey. I hope you sense God's love and their passion to reach out and touch your hearts with their words.

In His grip, Sharon

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Loss of a Loved One