Sin takes on different form in each of our lives but some sins wreak a horizontal havoc that is an ever widening circle of grief and destruction, especially behavior that betrays human trust and children's safety in their homes. Adultery is such a sin. This post is for women who are committing adultery or flirting with the possibilities. I have addressed this topic in previous posts but in light of the past two weeks of confessions from two self-proclaimed family oriented public figures, out of love for my covenant family, I am pleading once more with adulterous women to consider carefully the consequences of their betrayal of another woman.

And that is my question. Please, please help me understand how you can intentionally destroy another woman's life by committing adultery with her husband? I wish you could see my face and hear the sorrow in my question rather than condemnation and judgment. Elizabeth Edwards asked the same question about the other woman in her husband's life - how can one woman do this to anther woman? My heart sunk when Governor Sanford, a professing Christian, confessed his adulterous relationship with a woman in Argentina. What struck me was his priority to protect the specialness of his relationship to this woman, saying that they had a precious friendship for eight years that "sparked" into something more about a year ago. Like so many others caught in adultery, he stated that they never intended for this to happen. True confession on my part - instead of sympathy for Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery, my jaded thoughts were, "If the truth is ever told, he will confess that he knew eight years ago that he wanted this woman in a way that was outside of marriage. He will confess that all along his attraction to her was more than friendship and that instead of running away from temptation as God commands us to do, Mark Sanford rationalized that he could handle a close relationship with this woman."

And sure enough, what Mark Sanford and "Maria" thought were private, intimate love notes now are public evidence of a long term sensuous relationship. Emails meant for their eyes only are now part of Internet history. In the context of one romantic, intimate email Governor Sanford proclaims to his adulterous partner that he knew when he first met her that she was special.

The more the press gleefully exposes , the more clearly we see scriptural truth played out in front of our eyes. We can't believe how irrationally Governor Sanford behaved, in particular taking off for Argentina to meet with his partner in adultery without regard for the affairs of State to which he had been elected. And yet scripture clearly outlines the way that adulterers step by step lose common sense and rational thinking. The slope of adultery is slippery indeed.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." (Proverbs 5:1 - 14)

Please know that I do not want to be one more person who is shaking her head and tsk, tsking in condemnation. God doesn't waste any of our mistakes or sinful choices. Exposed sin in public figures must drive us to acknowledge, "There but for the grace of God go I.." We pray that the Sanfords can find their way back to each other and that their family legacy will be one of redemption and forgiveness. Mark Sanford's fall ought to be a teaching moment for us. The enemy is patient, like a lion, stalking his prey, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. Eight years of long distance "friendship" was a smoldering fire waiting to explode. Teaching Moment: Is there a "friendship" in your life that you need to re-examine in light of this sad tale?

Others have already begun to diagnose the reasons Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery committed such a heinous betrayal of Jenny Sanford. I've heard "experts" whitewash and excuse this sinful behavior by saying that some men are wired for such risk-taking, that their testosterone drives their foolish decisions, but that they really still love their wives. These "experts" need to have a sit down with God on this one. "You shall not commit adultery... Teaching Moment: In case you are trying to rationalize what adultery means, let me make it more clear - no emotional adultery, either. You shall not steal [another woman's husband]... You shall not covet your neighbor's wife [or husband]...

Girls, you will meet, if you haven't already, men who belong to other women who you wish you could have as your own. Teaching Moment: As soon as you have that thought, run away from the relationship. As soon as you think, "He's such a good guy and his wife mistreats him....I can make up for his wife's short fallings by being his friend....." run faster from that relationship. Adulterers and adulteresses are steeped in deception and cannot be believed. Initially, they lie to themselves. Some women color their emotional adultery by pretending to care about the man's wife and children. Teaching Moment: Hear me on this. The truth is if you are flirting with a married man, you do NOT care about his wife and children, nor do you care for him. Mark Sanford himself admitted that if he really cared for this other woman, he wouldn't have involved her in circumstances that had no future except humiliation and devastation. Before you prepare your emotional defense of such behavior, remember that I'm only the messenger. God has already made it clear that adultery destroys people and cuts the nerve of a marriage.

Ultimate Teaching Moment: If you are involved in adultery, repent of your sin and get help now. Remember, repentance is a two-fold process - we must put off the adultery and put on our husbands. God can redeem the pain but you must start with repentance. The longer you allow it to continue the more you risk ever understanding God's love and forgiveness. Over the years I have pleaded with adulterous women to repent. I have begged them to see Jesus' love and for His glory to walk in holiness. Sadly, few listen. Repentance drives us to the Cross where we will find the greatest love that paid dearly to redeem us from the pit.

If you have experienced that kind of forgiveness, there is a woman who needs to hear your story. You can email me anonymously through this blog or with your contact information through Sharon.betters@markinc.org.

And if you are a victim of adultery, perhaps your story will help open the eyes of the "other woman" that God is calling to repentance.

For more on how to resist the temptation of adultery, check out Chuck's messages, The Myth of the Greener Grass.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Sixty percent of marriages are impacted by adultery. Those who have never experienced this temptation or fallen into this sin wonder why I regularly mention it in my blog. Because I've held broken women in my arms who wonder if they can ever trust any man again, let alone their husband and I know the damage doesn't stop with their hearts. The children never "get over it.." It's been called the last hidden sin of the church. Think of it, girls. IF the 60% statistic is correct, that means 60% of women in our church pews have been betrayed by their husbands OR they are betraying or have betrayed their husbands with adultery. As long as I have breath I will urge women to guard their marriages, to recognize that God created marriage to show a broken world what His family looks like and how the love of a husband and wife is reflective of the love of Christ for His church. Marriage is hard work and the culture does not and will not encourage you to do that work. My goal is to regularly mentioned this topic to urge women to take responsibility for themselves and to guard their hearts from this temptation.

But don't take it from me. We will soon launch our new Learning to See When the Lights Go Out interview titled, Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption where you will hear from several people impacted by adultery. Some who have already heard it say it is one of the most profound resources we have developed. In the meantime, read this woman's testimony and her practical counsel on how to guard your heart against the temptation of adultery.

In His grip,
Sharon

The woman sitting across the table from me glowed. Her eyes sparkled and her smile lit up her face. Though her story was one of terrible pain inflicted on her children and her by her ex spouse, the only time she wept was when she spoke of grace and God's mercy toward her. I was moved to my own tears when instead of condemning her unfaithful husband, she pointed out her own sinful nature and that she is grateful that God protected her from committing the sin of adultery because she knows she is capable of such sin.

Sue and I were taping an interview for our new Learning to See When the Lights Go Out resource, Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption CD. About twelve years ago Sue's pastor husband left her after committing adultery with a woman in their local church and then committing adultery again. Suddenly Sue was a single woman tasked with raising four children by herself. Today her four adult children love Jesus and serve Him with strength and courage. In this interview Sue shares some of the poignant moments of how God met her in the darkness and gave her the courage to take a step at a time in rebuilding her life and caring for her family. She describes how her local church became the family her children needed and how those relationships carry them even today. Perhaps the most profound truth she shared, at least most profound for me, was the scripture that she chose as the grid through which to view her journey and how to respond to her unfaithful husband.

Perhaps you are in the middle of a rancorous divorce or terrible marriage and you don't know how to get back to a place of peace. Soak in this scripture and ask God to apply its truth to your circumstances as Sue and her children learned to do. It won't be easy. In fact, I think it's impossible without the supernatural grace of God. But then, if God commands, He also equips. So before you say you can't, prayerfully ask Him to give you strength to obey this command:

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their sense and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. 2 Timothy 3:22-26

To obey this command requires an intimate knowledge of the mercy of God in our own hearts. Knowing our own hearts' capability for sin and the fact that God's mercy covers that sin will soften our hearts toward those who we want to hurt or take revenge on because of the pain they have caused. It will relieve the need to win the argument, to prove our point, to hurt the other person because they have so deeply hurt us.

How convicted I am as a result of Sue sharing this part of her story with me.

I can't wait to share it in full with you when the CD interview is ready. Subscribe to this blog and you'll be one of the first ones to know when it's available.

May you experience God's sweet presence as you share His treasures of encouragement with others.

In His grip,
Sharon

Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption. Why would anyone agree to participate in an interview on that topic? Because of their worldview. They believe that every circumstance and gift in their lives is a sacrifice of praise to give back to God for Him to use whatever way He desires to help His children grow in grace. A few days ago I interviewed such a woman, Sue Jakes. Sue is a trophy of God's grace, a woman who has experienced what has been called the worst pain a human being can inflict on another human being: the betrayal of adultery. MARKINC Ministries is producing this CD resource as part of our Learning to See When the Lights Go Out

Over the next week I'll share some of my thoughts about Sue's story and some key points that I hope will encourage women who have suffered this betrayal. I was deeply saddened to learn that 60% of married couples will be impacted by the anguish of this great sorrow. It is one of the last secret sins that the church finds difficult to address. In fact, when Chuck preached a series of sermons titled Anatomy of Adultery, several people left our church, saying they didn't want to hear such stuff from the pulpit. If the stats are true, 60% of those sitting in the pews of our churches have heard such stuff in their own homes. If this is the worst pain one human being can inflict on another, then surely couples should do everything they can to protect themselves from this betrayal. Chuck confronted the sin and then taught from scripture how to fight the temptation of infidelity. Every couple should listen and apply these messages.

Sue shared some of the nuggets her counselor told her that helped her regain her confidence and courage to build a life that reflects Christ in every way. She agreed that adultery is the worst pain because it is rejection by the one person who has promised to love, honor and protect you. If this person rejects you in such a profound way, how can you ever trust another human being? A core truth that helped Sue regain her stability was that her husband did not leave her for another woman. He left her for himself. Let me repeat that. If your husband has committed adultery, he did not leave you for another woman. He left you for himself. He chose his own pleasure and selfish desires as primary, more important than the life of any other person.

Adultery is an addiction to self-pleasure. That's why an adulterer who is repentant must give up all contact with the other person. It's like a drug-addict coming off of drugs. That drug-addict must commit to never using another drug. The alcohol addicted person must commit to never taking another alcoholic drink; the addicted smoker must commit to never putting another cigarette between their lips. An adulterer must commit to absolutely no contact with the co-adulterer. Even a little contact will make it impossible for the adulterer to repent.

Those of you who have never experienced adultery may think I am being hard hearted, unreasonable, and unrealistic. God's Word is just as hard. Read Proverbs 5, 6, and 7. Hear the father pleading with his son to stay away from the wayward woman and to turn toward the wife of his youth. This father is explicit in the downward spiral of adultery. The end is death.

Like most women who feel the sorrow of adultery, Sue tried to identify what she did to cause her husband to turn to another woman. What could she do differently to keep him now? Her wise counselor responded, "There are many women who are terrible wives and their husbands don't commit adultery. There are many women who are almost perfect wives and their husbands commit adultery. His sin is his sin."

In my next post I will share the scripture that Sue and her family chose as their core truth, the grid through which they viewed this journey and guided them in their responses to the painful circumstances.

May you experience God's sweet presence as you choose to live life through the grid that God is sovereign and you can trust Him.

In His grip,
Sharon

Imagine that as you turn to leave your friend's bedroom after putting your coat on her bed, you notice a beautiful pin on her dresser. "Aha!" you think. "That's exactly what I've been looking for to go with my new outfit for Saturday's party. I'll just borrow it and then return it later. She has so much jewelry, she won't miss it." You slip the pin into your pocket but never ask for your friend's permission to wear it. The pin completes your outfit and you procrastinate giving it back because you enjoy the compliments you receive while wearing it. Months later you run into your friend at a party. Your smile freezes when she exclaims, "Where did you get that pin? My husband gave me one just like it but told me it was unique, that no one else has one like it but yours is an exact match... I've been so upset because I can't find it. He's really disappointed, too."

Slowly your friend realizes that the pin you're wearing is hers. You hand it back and know by the look in her eyes that your friendship is probably over. Instead of admitting your sin and apologizing, you rationalize away your guilt and conclude that she's selfish. You think, "It wasn't like I was going to keep it - she has so much. What's the big deal!"

Of course, this scenario is silly. Yet, how many women meet appropriate emotional needs inappropriately by "borrowing" another woman's husband? And how many rationalize their behavior by saying, "I'm not trying to have an affair. Her husband just understands me so much better than mine. I'm not trying to steal him from her. She has so much......what's the big deal?"

Relational boundary lines have grown fuzzier as the "mind and heart" of our culture has minimized integrity, faithfulness, and respect for marriage. If our view of marriage is fuzzy, then it's easier to rationalize "borrowing" emotional intimacy from a man who was not designed by God to meet our emotional needs.

As long as there's no physical intimacy, what's the danger of such relationships with men married to another woman? When a woman looks to anything outside of her marriage to meet needs that are to be met by God or her husband, then the one designed to meet those needs (God or her husband if she is married) gets squeezed out of the picture. There's no urgency to pursue intimacy with her husband or her God if another is filling the unmet desires.

How do you know if you have crossed a line? Review the questions in my previous entry. Consider also how willing you would be to give up that relationship if your husband or the man's wife expressed discomfort. If you have concluded you are or are in danger of sliding into an inappropriate online relationship, your actions need to follow your mind. Take these hard steps:

1. Admit your motives are impure and ask God's forgiveness.
   
2. Confess your sin to a trusted friend who now has permission to hold you accountable for ending the relationship.
   
3. Prayerfully consider confessing to your husband with the goal of committing to the hard work of building a strong marriage.
   
4. Immediately end your online relationship by blocking email from your online friend.
   
5. If necessary, change your email address. It's worth the trouble of sending out a new one to your friends and family. Remove all reminders of him from your desk, computer, your life.
   
6. Put on a renewed commitment and behavior that reflect your desire for your husband if married.
   
7. Wash your mind with God's truth about marriage.
   
8. Put your emotional energy into building safe, healthy, godly relationships.

In His Grip,
Sharon