Posted At : August 3, 2011 12:49 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Conflict

I was ready to bail on Facebook. Every friend I have nods when I declare how much time I seem to waste checking out posts and browsing pictures. On the other hand, I love how it connects me with the ongoing lives of friends I never get to see. I love how I can pray more specifically, or even know about a prayer need. But still, it seems that Facebook along with other social media has caught us off guard and we're reaping a harvest of hurt feelings and even broken marriages as people try to navigage this brave new world of social networking. Another friend noted that she thinks she should sing, "I must tell Facebook" instead of "I must tell Jesus." She observed that she seemed to be depending on her Facebook friends to satisfy her emotional needs, often experiencing hurt and disappointment when they didn't come through as expected. Her comments stopped me short. Then I saw this review of a new book that focuses on how Facebook and Social media are changing how we think and adding stress to our lives. I haven't read the book but based on the author's description, I'm thinking it might be a good read. If you have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, these observations might help you identify some areas you need to clean up and renegotiate with your spouse and friends. I personally decided to give Facebook another chance to prove its worth when many friends responded to some medical good news I posted. It was a fun way to be encouraged. But, still, I might just buy this book

Five Facebook Fights in Marriage

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : August 1, 2011 9:46 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

Our pastor son, Dan, posted this link on Facebook with the comment, "Every man has been waiting for this since we know we don't measure up." That comment and the title, Beware Romantic Pornography grabbed my attention. Even though I was running late. And even though I am still running late, I had to post a link to this article because I fear that many women have bought in to fantasy of romantic comedies and as Betsy Hart, the author warns, romance pornography.

Ok, please don't get the wrong imporession. I enjoy some chick flicks and every once in a while my husband will do me the honor of watching one with me. Of course, at the end, he has to comment, "Yeah, chick flick." Even if he might be wiping a few bits of moisture from his eyes. But I'm thinking the author of this article is on to something that we as women must seriously consider. When was the last time you watched a romantic comedy or sitcom where the man was a godly man, one who didn't need the woman to teach him how to step up to the plate of manliness or how to get in touch with his inner self? I have the privilege of talking with lots of young women and many times their view of manliness and godliness in a man as well as romance is so far outside the realm of God's Word as well as reality. Something has influenced them to long for a fantasy man regularly depicted in romance novels and comedies. Unless they have a course correction, their husbands will never meet their expectations, no matter how much he loves Jesus or tries to conform to the image of God. I can't say it any better than this author. Please read and consider if your marriage might be less than your heart's desire because your heart's desire has been warped by a skewed view of romance and true godliness in a man. Here's the link.

Beware Romantic Pornography

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : July 12, 2011 10:18 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Four out of the 10 most popular posts address moral temptation and how to avoid adulterous relationships. Statistics and surveys reveal that high numbers of women struggle with moral temptation including pornography and online inappropriate relationships. High numbers of women who say they are committed to living a godly life succumb to the strong tempation to rationalize dangerous friendships outside their marriages as God-ordained ("This man is so kind and encourages me in my faith. He trusts me with his inner struggles and he's wrestling with his faith....he's searching for spiritual answers....I'm leading him to Jesus.....I can't turn my back on him..."). If the statistics are true, and I believe they are, women in the pews are no different than any other women. We can't pretend Christian women are immune from moral temptation. We must offer help and hope to women who are using inappropriate means to meet appropriate needs and desires. The enemy's MO hasn't changed. "Surely God wants you happy, doesn't He?" If you're teetering on that slippery slope, I'm yelling, "STOP! Turn around! You're heading for disaster." I mention a new resource at the end of this older post, Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption. It's available for free online.

Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption

Ten Most Popular Posts - #4 - Fighting Moral Temptation.

Fighting Moral Temptation

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : July 3, 2011 5:42 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Eighteen years ago July 4 was on a Sunday. We celebrated Communion during the worship service. Our sixteen-year-old son, Mark, sat on one side of me and seventeen-year-old Daniel sat on the other. I rubbed their backs as they bowed to pray before taking the elements. What was in their minds? Was this a special moment with the Lord or were they thinking about our cook out plans and getting together with friends for fireworks later?

At a recent outdoor concert followed by a fireworks display, Dan told me the night reminded him of July 4, 1993, one of his last nights with his brother. His comment took me back to seeing our kids, their cousins and friends in our driveway, deciding who would ride with whom and where they would meet up. We had just finished a 4th of July barbeque that included both sides of our family, lots of cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Within minutes the loud laughter and story telling subsided as different family groups left to watch fireworks in their own neighborhoods. Chuck and I declined all their invitations to join them, saying we would watch the neighbors mini-displays from a blanket in our own backyard.

While the neighbors illegally set off their fireworks, we reminisced about the "laughter in the walls" of our home and wondered what the next year would bring. Deep contentment and joy soaked our souls. No one, no one could have known that within 48 hours, our lives would be forever changed. Our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, would die in a car accident ten minutes after they left our home.

The train of grief is coming, The vibration of its thundering speed and the faint, lonely whistle in the distance warn me. Yes, it is coming. I know it is useless to try to outrun it. Yet, I have learned over the past 18 years that the train can also bring strange comfort and treasures. Within the past week, a special friend that didn't know Mark told me that she starts praying more for us at the beginning of every July and that at a recent worship service, she thought about Mark and wondered what part our drummer son might have had in the worship band. Another young friend who attended school with Mark, starting in preschool, shared a funny story that I had never heard. Mark's cousins told me a story that made me laugh and they reassured me that they think of Mark a lot. The coming train gives them courage to mention his name.

Every time we celebrate Communion, I think about July 4, 1993, and I wonder again what Mark was thinking about that last Sunday we worshipped together. The approaching train of grief drives me to search for meaning and to watch for treasures of encouragement that will help me withstand the power of the anticipated collision.

Today I remember how Jesus thanked God for the bread and wine at the last meal He would share with His disciples, knowing a cruel death awaited Him within hours of that meal. Picture the peace He displayed as He thanked God for the provision of sustenance, His disciples not realizing the thanks was an act of surrender to God's purposes for Him. I picture myself at that table and Jesus looking into my eyes and firmly exhorting me: Do this in remembrance of me. He knows my circumstances,my anguish, my longing for what was. Yet my big brother reminds me that thanking God for the blessings He gives us, no matter the darkness, and perhaps especially in the middle of the darkness, helps equip me for whatever may be coming. Jesus thanked God for blessings in the middle of anguish and by thanking God, He surrendered to God's sovereign love. Thanking God recognizes that He is our Refuge, Rest, Rescue and Rock. He is giving me the secret for surviving the coming collision.*

The train is coming. But the train will not destroy me for I am learning to thank God for His provisions, His blessings and to surrender to His purposes.

The train is coming. But I am not afraid.

In His grip, Sharon

* I am grateful to author, Ann Voskamp, for sharing this insight in her book, One Thousand Gifts.

Posted At : June 27, 2011 8:31 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Prayer

The older I get, the more critical the power of prayer is becoming. As time marches on, we have lost some of our older prayer warriors because of death. In this post I describe some of them and once more their lives inspire me to pursue an intimacy with Jesus through prayer. Perhaps one reason this post is in the top five is because there is a longing in the hearts of many to become a prayer covering for others.

Most Popular Post #5:

A Hole in Our Prayer Umbrella

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : June 17, 2011 10:48 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Family

A friend, Tammy Maltby, posted this link on Facebook and I cried as I read the article and I have a terrific father. I am praying for all of my friends who have no idea of what a father's love looks and feels like. I hope Bonnie Gray better known as The Faith Barista, will touch your heart in a way that transforms your view of fatherhood and helps you know that when you know Jesus, you do have a Father, who loves you the same way He loves our big brother, Jesus.

Fathers Are Worth Remembering Even If You Don't Have One

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : June 6, 2011 12:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

This post on Valentine's Day generated some spirited comments from a few readers. I think Sherry got to the bottom line pretty quickly - it's all about expectations. While I get the "love languages" train of thought, I have concluded that many women may need to learn how to give up their need for their love languages to be satisfied and instead, give their husbands freedom to express love their way - and be content with the man God has given to them.

Ten Most Popular Posts - #6

Loves Me, Loves Me Not

We don't need Valentine's Day to express our love - surprise your husband by loving him today in a way that he doesn't expect!

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : June 1, 2011 10:22 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Suicide

I think this post has attracted so much attention because suicide creates such despair and hopelessness for the loved ones left behind. When faced with such despair, we must go back to what never changes where we find help and hope - God's Word. I hope the resources highlighted in this post will continue to offer that help and hope to those called to be God's promise keepers through biblical encouragement.

Most Popular Posts #7 Suicide and Encouragement

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 31, 2011 9:49 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Arnold Schwartzenagger, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Dominique Strauss Kahn, John Edwards, the list goes on. Men in power who violated their marriage vows by betraying their wives with other women. Such headlines titillate our senses and people can't get enough of the details. But the biggest question we ask is often, "Why?" They appear to have it all and yet it appears they risk it all in order to satisfy their own sexual appetites. Every time a powerful man falls is an opportunity to examine our own lives to determine where we might be salivating over forbidden fruit and rather than turning away, getting as close to the scent and taste as possible. If that's where you are, you've already lost the battle.

Most Popular Post #8 -

Infidelity Why?

In His grip, Sharon

If you are someone you know is involved in an adulterous relationship or is trying to restore a broken marriage impacted by adultery, this resource is for you. Click the link for a free download or order a CD.

Posted At : May 30, 2011 8:18 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Change

This post continues to get the attentoni of blog readers, perhaps because the title offers the key to becoming channels of compassion in our relationships to others. What happens in our personal relationship to God flows over into our interaction with friends, family and co-workers - our "neighbors." These posts are based on Jay Adams' book of the same title. A little book with a powerful punch. Very, very practical application of scripture to daily life.

Most Popular Post #9 Four Weeks with God and Your Neighbor, Week 5

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 27, 2011 8:42 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

After I posted the top five of the most popular Treasures of Encouragement blogs, a friend suggested that I post one at a time, starting with #10. In this culture saturated with Twitter updates and quick sound bytes (how many of us will read a Facebook status that is longer than three sentences?), posting five links in one blog was a pretty dismal idea.

So, over the next couple of weeks, I'll post a countdown of the Ten Most Popular posts with a brief follow up note on why I think each one is in the top ten.

Drum Roll Please!

And #10 is Old Flames and Facebook

You'll notice a lot of interest in how to navigate social networking and maintain integrity in marriage. Statistics keep coming in about how social networking liaisons often lead to inappropriate personal relationships, emotional adultery and secret trysts that result in broken marriages, and long term anguish. Social Networking isn't going away so we need to be constantly vigilant in how we use this amazing technology for good rather than evil.

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 23, 2011 8:53 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Five words on the page. “I am in immense pain.” On the outside, my friend looks normal and her friends might think she’s “doing so well!” But as a fellow traveler on the pathway of grief, I know she is almost empty, choosing to walk by faith, to do the next thing, trying to create a home of peace and joy for her children, wrestling hard against the feelings of despair, loneliness, and the hopelessness that threaten to take her down.  Her friends are holding on to the joy that she shared just yesterday, not realizing how quickly the undercurrent of anguish rushes in to pull her out into a sea of sorrow.

Those who have never walked this way cannot understand the enormous emotional, physical, and spiritual energy it takes to just face a new day, knowing that the grief we feel will never be completely resolved.  And frankly, we don’t want you to know how it feels.  We do not wish our sorrow on anyone else.  But strength to hang on flows through the whisper of a friend, “I see Jesus in you, the hard work of grief that you are doing so that your children can be children and have a mommy who is choosing life is worth the fight.  I’m praying.”

On those days that Chuck and I felt as though we were falling back down into the endless abyss of grief, Chuck would sometimes say, “I wonder if people have stopped praying.  I am so weak. I don’t think I can make it through this hour, let alone this day.”  If I was having a better day than him, I would send out a prayer SOS, asking faithful prayer warriors to hold up our arms, to remember to pray, that the battle was fierce and we couldn’t fight on our own.  If I was in the same abyss, we hoped that God’s people would obey His nudge to pray for us. I’m not speaking of weeks or months after Mark’s death, but years.  The grief journey is long and just below the surface of the smiles on your grief-stricken friends’ faces is a churning, angry river of sorrow that they are struggling to keep within the shores of their souls. 

Who needs you to pray for them right now, to send a note, a scripture?  Don’t know what to say?  Something like this, “God has reminded me to pray for you today. I am praying that you will know He is near to the broken-hearted and that He will never leave you without help and hope.”  Your obedience to the command to encourage makes you a messenger of God Himself.  In that moment you are His promise keeper. Do you know how loved I feel by Him when I realize He whispered my name in your ears?

Ask God for the words that your friend needs.  You may learn that the words you used to send help and hope were the exact words of her own cries to Him or even written in her personal journal.  Trust God to use you as a channel of His compassion.

I will always be grateful to those who prayed and continue to pray for us, to experience strength upon strength.  For those who encouraged me, when my skin was gray and my eyes hollow, that they saw Jesus in me, just because I got up in the morning, or sat in church and cried the whole service, when I had nothing to offer them, when I felt completely and totally helpless.  They celebrated every inch forward. Your friend needs you today.  Be that friend who doesn’t forget.

In His grip,

Sharon

 

Posted At : May 19, 2011 10:44 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage,Infidelity,Prayer,Love,Adultery

One reason I'm not very good at cleaning out is because I can't resist the temptation to stop and remember, review, or look through old papers, books, and pictures. I'm cleaning out my office and not getting very far because so many of my books are like old friends that helped guide me through a season of life. I'm thinking of sharing some of those books with you because they were so precious to me. I feel the same way about my blog. I recently reviewed the entries, curious to see which topics had the most readers. I identified the top ten and include the top five in this post. Later I'll share the second half of the top ten topics. I'd love to hear why you think these particular posts are so popular!

- Inbox, Outbox, IM Emotional Adultery

- Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption>Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption

- Fighting Moral Temptation

- A Hole in Our Prayer Umbrella

- Loves Me, Loves Me Not

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : May 19, 2011 2:32 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

A newly engaged young woman asked her friends and family to boycott Victoria's Secret when they purchased gifts for her bridal shower. She explained that she did not want her marriage to support a business that so flagrantly abused sexuality and scriptural principles of modesty. This girl's stance brought a lot of people up short and made then stop and consider the implications of her request. Talk about standing alone!

The word "modesty" implies prudish, every inch of skin covered but is that really what God calls His daughters to embrace? Nancy Leigh DeMoss, a well-known author, speaker and Revive our Hearts talk show host tackles this topic in her radio broadcast in a way that is refreshing, challenging and convicting. You may not agree with everything she says, but I encourage you to check out the messages, especially if you have teen girls who are struggling to discover how to enhance their beauty without violating God's principles. Your teen boys would also benefit from understanding what a modest heart looks like and how to discern if a girl's heart is focused on that modesty. If you mentor teen girls, these broadcasts would be a great teaching tool as well. Nancy opens one broadcast with the words, "A woman's greatest loveliness comes through a modest heart, and a modest heart expresses itself in modest behavior, modest dress, modest reactions and modest attitudes." Just what is a modest heart and how do you know if you have one? Nancy's handling of scripture on this topic will take you deeper into God's Word as she offers some counter-cultural beauty tips. Here's the link to Revive Our Hearts. Enjoy!

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10868

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : March 7, 2011 2:10 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Here ia another insightful response to my friend's question about grief and anger.

While I agree with everything that has been said, I would like to add a fresh, real perspective on anger in grief. One of the best things I have learned about grief is that the "phases" that you go through do not run in a line. You don't pass through one and never return to it, nor do you accomplish one, move onto the next and then cross a finish line in the grief process. It is a circular cycle. Sometimes you hit the different phases in order around the circle and sometimes you bounce back and forth. Anger comes and goes, and comes again. My friend told me to view it as an upward spiral. You should always be moving upward, visiting different phases along the way, but every so often something will cause you to drop lower ... you might travel at that level for a while, but then move on upward again. It is continual. I was relieved to know that anger was something that would visit me on occasion and then leave again, but that it was normal and I could expect to see it again. The first few "visits" with anger are hard to adjust to, but soon you begin to recognize them and then learn how to handle them when they come.

There were days when my anger felt like fire burning behind my eyes....like fumes were rising from my head! I felt evil. Those days, I tried as hard as I could to stay away from my kids, and sometimes from my husband. I knew I wasn't safe to be around. Other times my anger wasn't as easy to recognize...I would take it out on my husband and the kids, not even knowing I was angry inside. My kids do it too. They let anger out masked in bad behavior or in fighting with each other. I try to correct their behavior, but also realize they need to feel it. Sometimes I get fuming angry at stuff that is going on in other people's lives and things I read online, in the news, on FB, It is hard to handle the trivia of other peoples' lives when they make such mountains out of molehills.

One thing that I do with my frustration is write in a journal....that often helps a lot. I also vent to a friend who can take it, and I have found that investing into "tedious" work (like crocheting, cleaning, digging in dirt) all helps to put the frustration somewhere. I never give my kids a bath when I am angry. My husband and I have never fought much in our marriage. Now we "fight" often (granted we are both deep in grief) but still....we have to work hard on communicating, forgiving, and asking for forgiveness.

When you are this fresh in grief, your anger toward God, or whatever it is directed at....is only one of the reasons why you feel so far away and "disconnected" from God. Even though you know He is so present, (and often feel very close to Him) you also feel so lost and confused. I didn't want to even pick up my Bible, or listen to any music. Not only did I struggle with concentrating while reading....I just couldn't do it. I was overloaded. Everyone sent music, books, and encouraged me to read my Bible and pray....those were the last things I wanted to do...nor could I do them even if I tried. Nothing makes you feel better....not even God's word, or your husband or kids. Sometimes you feel angry at them for taking away your freedom to grieve the way you want to! I sometimes view my kids as a "ball and chain" in grief. Ugh. So frustrating. especially when you love them so much at the same time! What it all comes down to is complete brokenness. Admit it, realize that you can't fix it, ask God to help you, and then face the day and endure it. Looking back on each day you will see that God provided for that day. He will do it again. I have a friend who lost her daughter only 5 months before I lost mine. It is nice to write to her on FB back and forth. I always appreciate her for being real. She tells me her frustrations...and they usually mirror mine. I realize then that what I am going through is normal and ok. Keep focused on Jesus, yes, but know that you need to be angry. Work hard to avoid "sinning" in your anger, but know that you will fail! and then ask for forgiveness, forgive, and be forgiven. My own sin has been so heavily revealed to me in my grief. Sometimes I wonder why that has to be added to the mix. God just wants me to see how little I am and how big He is.

Remember that in grief, you are filled to the top with pain...there is no reserve....so the littlest things push you over the edge (you wonder where it came from), you do things that don't match your character, you have very little filter. You need extra grace.

Another suggestion I have is to go away (maybe even all alone) for a few days. I have gone to to a beach twice now. The first time I went all alone. I walked on the beach for miles, got very little sleep, and just emptied myself of all that I carry every day. I would encourage you to read the book "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Lindbergh....it's an easy read, not Christian, but very good for your soul. I read it every time I go away by myself.

My Response

I'm on holy ground when these women share their hearts in order to encourage a sister in her own journey. I hope you sense God's love and their passion to reach out and touch your hearts with their words.

In His grip, Sharon

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : March 3, 2011 8:02 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Yesterday I shared a question from a young woman about anger and grief that she asked women ahead of her in the grief journey. Here are several more responses from her friends.

Melanie's Response

Friend, I echo what has already been said. I was going to say the same things regarding anger.....anger in itself is not a sin, but we are encouraged in Scripture to not sin while angry, and the way we do this is by directing it towards our Heavenly Father. He is big enough to carry all of our feelings and pain.

Whenever I am struggling in life, especially through grief, I cling tightly to the Psalms. My heart often cries out the same questions as David's did, and it is comforting to read how the Good Shepherd gives confirmation of His deep love for us. When life's circumstances are screaming around us, it is difficult to "Be Still...", but it is in those quiet moments alone with Jesus, that your broken heart will feel hope renewed. Praying for you today, dear sister, that you will see glimpses of your Savior's love. His mercies are new every morning, and He has endured all of the grief and shame we experience in this fallen world. He will never let us go. I pray everyday that it will be the day He will break through the clouds and take us home, and everyday I am reminded that we are one day closer.... Melanie

Laura's Response

Thank you for reaching out; I really admire you for doing that. So many grieving people do not ...and instead continue to carry their burden without any encouragement or help. It is a difficult journey and I hope that you will continue to seek out those who will not only hold your hand along the way but also point you to Christ.

I personally struggled with a lot of anger, although it did not show itself for years. And I think there is great emotional and spiritual relief in being able to physically release that pent up anger. That's why it's coming out of you at home in ways you do not want it to. Find ways to get completely alone with God, away from the house and motherly responsibilities. Grief is laborious work, and it cannot be ignored or put off. I agree with what my mother-in-law said: put aside tasks that can wait (and many of them can!). Not only are you weary, but you need to make time for wrestling with God, time for the hard work of grief, and then time to rest in God's all consuming love for you.

When my husband was in the throes of intense grief he would run to the ocean. And I know of others who have done this as well. It was a place where he could be alone with God, in the presence of the vast waters and expansive sky. Find a place that is yours and His, where He can speak to you and where you can cry or scream to Him. And find friends who will help you to do this when you need to. I know that you have a very loving and supportive husband. Beat on his chest when you need to, and enable the grief to tear down walls around you instead of build them up. (If he needs someone to talk to about this, he can certainly ask my husband.) Like Heidi said: Keep talking. Talk to your husband and also find sisters who are good listeners.

Your Heavenly Father cares for you. He has clothed the lilies of the field and watches over the sparrow. How much more does he provide and watch over you? He has sent His only Son to be the perfect sacrifice for you...because he loves you that deeply. And He has given you His Holy Spirit, who intercedes on your behalf when your prayers have become nothing but groaning. Trust in the One who has already made a way for you...that He will continue to make a way for you until all of the strife of this world is put behind us forever. (Romans 8:18-39)

I am praying that your soul finds rest today, sister. Laura

Carol's Response

My dear Friend, There isn't anything I can add to what these wonderful sisters have already said, except to tell you not to be afraid to talk about it. Find someone who is willing to listen to you talk, whether it be about your anger or about your mom. Someone who is willing to listen to you, to cry with you, to pray with you. There are many who are not comfortable doing that but there are plenty of women who are. Don't be afraid to express yourself. You know I'm available always! Love you!!!! Carol

Closing Thoughts

I love these women and the way they love one another. I hope that each one reading this will either be comforted and counseled or better equipped to touch the wounds of a broken hearted friend.

In His grip,

Sharon


Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : March 2, 2011 7:51 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Anger and Grief

A young woman hit by several deep losses through death asked for help in dealing with anger. She reached out to several women who are ahead of her in the grief journey. She said, "I guess I'm in the anger stage of grief. I am so frustrated and taking my anger out on my husband and children. Some days I'm ready to explode. My family doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Help!"

The responses were so wise and helpful, I asked the women she asked for permission to share some of their advice with you. Over the next few days I'll post their comments with hope that they will encourage another who is struggling with the abyss of grief.

Heidi's Response

I wish I could tell you I have all the answers, but I don't. I wish I could tell you to just "do this" or "do that" and it'll all get better, but grief has no manual. Grief has no schedule of events, no chain of command, no list to check off. It's just a train that keeps moving regardless of whether or not you are ready for the next stop or not. I think that today is probably a bad day, worse than most, because of Matt's death (forty-one year old husband and dad who died after a courageous battle against cancer). In my own life, it took a couple of years, but finally my husband started to see a trend in my grief. When I was told of a death, or walked through it with someone, my own grief came so close to the surface, so transparent, so heavy. Your loss is so fresh. You are still in the very early stages, you are still trying to absorb it all. Being able to even recognize your pain and anger is good. Reaching out....even better. My mom used to tell me that as long as I was talking to someone, she worried less about me. Keep talking. Talk through your pain, talk through the stages, talk through the grief...cry, laugh....go through whatever stages you are led through.

As for you taking it out on your hubby and children, that is something I think you will learn to control. I think it becomes a choice, something we allow or don't allow. Even now, I have to choose to rise above my anger or my feelings, and it isn't always related to grief...sometimes it's just cause I am human. Reaching out when it's especially bad and asking for prayer, someone to talk to, someone to take that anger out on...so that you don't take it out on your baby....those are good steps to take.

This is all just off the top of my head, in a desperate attempt to give you something...anything, to help you through this bad day.

If I can do more....let me know. I'm praying....for everyone on this list. :( Heidi

My Response

I recognize the anger and the pain you describe. Heidi has expressed some very wise insights and there is not much I can add. However, as painful as it will be for you to acknowledge, your anger is toward God. It feels safer to express anger toward the ones you love because it is a fearsome thing to admit you are enraged by your sovereign God's actions in your life. And yet, I urge you to express just that to Him. He can take it and even encourages His children to express themselves to Him the same way that children do. Consider your little ones. How do you know when they are angry or disappointed? They scream and throw temper tantrums. Jesus exhorts us to come to Him as little children. Children don't filter their words, they are persistent when they want something and they don't hesitate to chatter about the things that are important to them. Your Father wants you to approach Him as a little child approaches a trusted parent. Right now, you are having a hard time trusting His love and what's the point of telling Him how you feel? He already knows. But the more you cultivate that relationship with Him, the more you will experience His love and your love for Him will deepen. Overnight? No. It may take a very, very long time. But I guarantee you, it will happen. Don't be too hard on yourself as far as your feelings are concerned. BUT, be hard on yourself when you sin in your anger. Immediately run to Jesus and repent of your anger and then seek forgiveness from your children and husband. We cannot excuse sinful behavior because of the way that we feel. God calls on us to reflect Jesus. One of the ways I got through those very painful days was to remember that God had already equipped me for the tasks of the day. Even though I concluded He was delusional at times, because I know my heart and how limited and weak I am. By faith, I would plead with Him before getting up, to reveal the strength I needed for that day. Give yourself permission to put aside some tasks and instead rest, regroup, read to your babies, sit with your husband. You are very weary and it's hard to "behave" when we're exhausted. Look for ways to give yourself rest. Fill your home with music that speaks truth into your spirit. Ask a friend to be "on call" to pray with you when you feel like you're going to lose it - and when you call her, don't spend time explaining, just ask her to pray and trust God to give her the right words to meet your heart needs. Heidi is right on - you are very fresh in this journey. You're just learning to walk again. Give yourself time. Thanks for reaching out. You're asking questions that all of us have confronted and our answers are not quick fixes. But even that gives us hope. Love you.

More tomorrow. In His grip, Sharon


Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : February 22, 2011 8:46 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Though sufficient, God's grace is not an anesthetic. Be careful not to put unrealistic expectations on people in deep pain. Allow them, encourage them, to experience the gift of lamenting, following in the footsteps of patriarchs such as David, Jeremiah, and Isaiah. Such honest lamenting opens our eyes to treasures in darkness, intimacy with Jesus that is indescribeable and is key for finding a new normal.

In His grip with you, Sharon

Posted At : February 16, 2011 11:27 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Conflict

Isn't it interesting that when Jesus and scripture talk to us about resolving conflict, they both command us to examine our own hearts (James 4:1-3), not the heart of the other person. I have a lot of trouble with this command. My emotions and self-righteousness take me right into judging the motives and selfishness (my conclusions) of the other person. I kind of hate it when someone reminds me that my own heart needs to be addressed first. It's pretty interesting that when I actually stop and obey God's instructions, how embarrassed I typically am by my over-reaction to what often end up as imaginary hurts inflicted by someone who has no clue about my thin skin. Peacemaker Ministries offers many resources that get to the heart of human conflict. One of the articles that I have been using in my own personal study is by Ken Sande, Getting to the Heart of Conflict It's adapted from his Peacemaking for Families

Discontent is at the root of many deep conflicts. There are so many quotes that caught my attention:

Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our own hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart and quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way.

Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts.When we see our object of desire as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand. "I wish I could have this" evolves into "I must have this."

As you search your heart for idols, you will often encounter multiple layers of concealment, disguise, and justification.

And this one REALLY struck my core: One of the most subtle cloaking devices is to argue that we want only what God Himself commands.

It is often not what we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate sexual relationship with his wife, or for the wife to want open and honest communication with her husband but if [these desires] turn into demands that must be met in order for either spouse to be satisfied and fulfilled, they result in bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a marriage (quotes adapted from Peacemaking for Families)

I hope these quotes will whet your appetite enough to check out the full articleGetting to the Heart of Conflict

It's loaded with scripture and is a great tool for a life-changing personal study. I'm almost afraid to dig deep into it because I know how good my heart is at making myself look good to myself. And I don't do criticism well. Ugh.

This is good stuff.

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : February 11, 2011 1:21 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Heart Health, Physical and Spiritual

February is Heart Health month. I always expected my husband to have heart problems. But nothing prepared me to hear a cardiologist tell me that I needed a pacemaker immediately. About six months before hearing this diagnosis I recognized something was different in my body. I felt as though I was on a constant adrenalin high. My conclusion was that I was suffering from anxiety and fear and the solution was to spend more time in Scripture and prayer and trying to root out my core sin issue. Months of spiritual exercise did not resolve my physical issues and I blamed myself for what felt like a constantly stressed mindset. One night I went to bed, heart pounding, and thought, "I don't remember what it feels like to be peaceful. I don't know how to get back to an emotionally stable mindset." I had been to my doctor who took me seriously but tests were inconclusive. Finally, a doctor who is a family friend warned my husband that my appearance indicated something was seriously wrong physically. He made arrangements for me to see another specialist.While we waited for tests and diagnosis, our doctor friend warned me to rest and to be careful, that something was wrong with my heart. I didn't believe him. But a halter monitor proved him right. Within hours I was diagnosed with third degree heart block and told I needed a pacemaker immediately. No one knows why this happened but the pacemaker gave me back my physical health as well as my peace of mind. The adrenalin high was gone. A year later I was diagnosed with other heart issues that required a pacemaker/defibrillator and heart meds (which all heart patients know can be worse than the condition they are are treating). I'm happy to say that my latest medical reports indicate that some of my issues have been resolved and my heart is not damaged and is in fact normal. God used aggressive doctors, meds, exercise, rest, family support and prayer to put me back on a level path. I tell women that my journey showcases the need for us to take charge of our own health, to be in tune with our bodies and to insist that doctors listen to us when we know that something isn't quite right. And we shouldn't automatically think the root cause is spiritual or emotional. The idea of women suffering from heart disease has taken on new meaning for me. Per an article on iVillage, in the U.S., heart disease kills one woman almost every minute. Roughly 430,000 women lose their lives to heart disease each year, a number that's higher than the annual deaths among women from all cancers combined, according to the American Heart Association.

For more on this disease and what you can do to help your heart, click here 18 Heart Health Tips on iVillage

Now go take a walk!

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : February 9, 2011 1:44 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Faith

Waiting Room Living Key Words: Faith

Tonight I will teach at Woman to Woman on the topic It Takes a Covenant, one of my most favorite topics because of the way embracing the Covenant helped me face the most difficult waiting room of my life. My heart's desire is that other women will understand how much what they believe dictates their own response to the daily tasks of life, whether in a well-lit, happy waiting room, or a dark, dreary place.

In preparation for tonight I found this article that I wrote four years after the death of our son, Mark. It took me back to a raw place but reminds me of how critical our worldview is when challenged by life's circumstances.

Life was good. An old man commented about their family, "You have a millionaire's family - a boy and a girl! You are rich!" And indeed, although not wealthy according to finances, they felt rich. Within seconds, their sense of well-being vanished. Fear invaded their souls and they longed for God to assure them of His presence. Psalm 27:13-14 was their anchor: "I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Surely God's definition of "goodness in the land of the living" was to bring back their three-year-old son from this mysterious coma. With assurance of God's promise, they waited for the Lord to work His miracle. Hundreds, no thousands of believers were storming heaven for their child's life. "Yes," they thought with peace and joy, "God will glorify Himself by giving us back our son. What a testimony of God's grace to an unbelieving world our son's miracle will be." They believed God. They would gratefully wait for His intervention. One year later, they read the same passage and wondered what it meant. "Perhaps," they thought, "God hasn't healed our child because we don't have enough faith."

Have you ever thought God did not keep His promise because you did not have enough faith?

Everyone of us is in a waiting room. Either because of circumstances or because we are a member of the human race. What is your waiting room? Raising children, marriage, a broken marriage, rebellious children, a job you hate, broken friendships, grief, sexual abuse? You fill in the blank. Perhaps life is really great right now - no problems. But if you don't see yourself in God's waiting room you will miss out on treasures that only come when you grasp this foundation of life. Living in God's waiting room with purpose takes a Covenant. It takes the Covenant of Redemption to make our village a community where we can experience all we are in Christ. But the Covenant does more than that: it takes the Covenant to give us a vision for living in this waiting room called Life. I have begun to realize that in my own journey every means of healing that God has used in the past four years I can trace back to the promise of the Covenant and the privileges of the Covenant.

For instance, at the hospital in the middle of the horrendous confusion and anguish of Mark's death in a split second of clarity I remembered specifically thinking, "God is going to use this tragedy for good and to build His kingdom." I'm sorry to say that my next thought was not one of submission and peace. Instead it was resistance and anger. I would not submit to that thought and was furious that this was God's plan for our family. But the thought that God would bring His good and accomplish his purposes through our grief came from my understanding of the Covenant. I received this timely note from a friend shortly after Mark's death

God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you) [Assuredly not!] Hebrews 13:5, Amplified.

Why did these words give us hope? Because of the Covenant

In my saner moments I could see that my disappointment and anger toward God's plan for my family made my brokenness more excruciating. Was God disappointed by my reactions? Yet I felt love and security from Him, like a mother comforting her child. I knew that in spite of my imperfections, I was in His grip. Why? Because of the Covenant.

When we cried out to God that we could not do this, that He had taken us farther than we could go, His Words in 1 Corinthians 10:13 gave us hope:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Why did these words give us hope? Because of the Covenant.

When God gave us treasures of encouragement through the covenant community we knew it was because of the Covenant.

When we were tempted to think that this journey into an earthly hell may be because our faith is not strong, the Covenant reminded us that was a lie.

The Covenant equipped us for the darkness. But the Covenant also equips us for the light - to live in the tension between the already and the not yet.

God's Covenant of Redemption is the heart and soul of my faith journey. I have purpose for every day living because of the Covenant. I am so passionate about this topic that Chuck and I co-authored Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God's Promises, a study of Hebrews 11. So, do you sometimes think your life stinks because you don't have enough faith?

In His grip,

Sharon For more information about Treasures of Faith, visit our website: Treasures of Faith book page

Posted At : January 8, 2011 3:07 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Goals

The Bible in a Year

Key Word: Goals, Bible

I've never read the Bible all the way through in one year. I've tried several times but, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, about two weeks into the year, I forget to read the assigned chapters each day.

I'm trying again and invite you to join me in this adventure. This time I have extra help via technology. Every morning the first email I see in my box is a message with the passages to be read that day. Would you believe that by the third day, I had already forgotten my plan but that email reminded me to read those passages, starting with Genesis. Technology can be a super accountability partner.

Reading the old, familiar stories is like having a chat with a dear family member. We reminisce about Adam and Eve, our first parents, and smile knowingly as we review Noah's adventures and the next day pick up our conversation about Abraham and Sarah and oh yes, Hagar. You might question the value of reviewing such well-worn history. These moments remind me of family gatherings where we tell the same stories and eagerly wait our turn to add forgotten details that are sure to "ring a bell" with everyone in the room. Such is the stuff that family traditions are made of. As one who knows Jesus, I am a daughter of the King. I have a covenant family and my family history starts in Genesis 1.

For some reason, reading my spiritual family history each morning is soothing to my soul and calms my restless spirit. Perhaps it's because I see the unfolding of God's covenant love on every page and remember how embracing this history as my own helps equip me for the pathway God has marked out for me. This is MY family, we're talking about! With all its warts and failures, I fit right in!

Along the way I am rediscovering nuggets of truth that cement my confidence that God is sovereign and I can trust Him. I belong to His family and nothing can break that bond.

For now I am using a plan from Bible Gateway. You can check out their resources here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/readingplans/more.php

I hope many of you will take advantage of the resources available to help us enjoy the blessings of God's Word. Take the challenge! You won't be sorry. In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : December 25, 2010 7:02 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

Christmas Day is a day of grief for many. I have spoken with several friends who are struggling to celebrate the birth of our Savior but every ornament, song, and even snow, sabotages their efforts because all they can think about are the Christmases they will never experience with their missing loved one. Oh how my heart resonates with their sorrow. And how I long to offer help and hope in way that encourages their hearts toward our God.

While reviewing my blog posts in preparation for next year, I found this one that I posted on Christmas Day, 2009. I hope the truths I share in it will encourage at least one broken-hearted friend to take the next step of faith required to worship our newborn King. May you experience God's treasures in the darkness on this day of days. Much love to each of my struggling friends.

Christimas Grief Relief: http://www.markinc.org/blog/index.cfm/12-Days-of-Christmas-Grief-Relief

In His grip with you, Sharon

Posted At : December 23, 2010 7:45 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

Christmas. Be on the spiritual lookout for those who need a special touch. One of the sweetest, most encouraging whispers in my ear in the darkest season of my life was, "I miss him, too." Biblical encouragement is not complicated. Just follow God's nudge and you will be the one encouraged.

In His Grip, Sharon

Posted At : December 14, 2010 8:21 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

What makes a conversation unforgettable? I can't remember what I did last week but this morning I remember a conversation I had as a twenty-three-year old pastor's wife, almost forty years ago.

"You are such a kind, gentle, peaceful woman. I love spending time with you." My new friend's response to my genuine encouragement confused me. She paused and spoke quietly, "Still waters run deep." I asked her what she meant.

"Just because I appear peaceful don't conclude that my actual life is peaceful." When I asked her to explain, she gently refused and changed the subject. Rather than feeling rebuked by her words, I felt taught. As the old saying goes, you can't tell a book by its cover. This morning as I thought about this long ago-conversation I remembered how Rahab is always called Rahab the Harlot, in scripture. Everyone has a story and if we dig deep enough, we find out that every person mentioned in scripture also has a story that is pregnant with life application.

I have often wondered if Rahab herself insisted on using that title as her way of declaring God's story in her life. You know, "Once I was a harlot. Now because of my faithful God's love, I am a princess!"

In our book, Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God's Promises, we wrote about Rahab:

Among God's people Rahab found a safe place in which to learn the ways of Yahweh and His people. Rahab was given a second chance; she was able to put her past behind her and enjoy a whole new life. She was eventually brought into the family of no less a person than Nahson, head of the entire clan of Judah (Numbers 1:7, 16; 7:10-17; Matthew 1:405). His son, Salmon, would eventually marry Rahab; their son Boaz, in turn would marry another outsider,the incomparable Ruth. Their family line would continue unbroken on to King David and, eventually, to Christ Jesus Himself. What a marvelous demonstration of the transforming grace of God! We watch with awe the rise of a woman who overcame, by faith, a sordid and ugly past to become royalty, a forebear of the very King of Kings. (Page 215-216)

I have a feeling that anyone who met Rahab didn't have to guess about any still waters in her life. She most likely had no qualms about her past because God clearly saw her through the eyes of His grace.

Rahab and Salmon gave birth to a son, Boaz. Boaz married Ruth, the Gentile. When I studied the life of Ruth and her romance with Boaz, I wondered if one reason Boaz had no problems marrying Ruth, a Gentile, is because his own mother, Rahab, taught him to see each person through the eyes of God's amazing grace. He didn't see Ruth as the Gentile outsider. He saw Ruth as a person of worth. His mother's life story impacted him in an eternal way.

When Chuck and I are at the mall, a restaurant, or just walking along a city street, he will often muse, "I wonder what that person's story is. Everyone has a story."

What is your story? Does it include God's amazing grace? If so, be on the alert for an opportunity to share your story with someone today, praying that your story will help turn another person's heart toward our faithful God. If your story does not include His amazing grace, I would love to share with you how you can experience His grace, too.

In His grip, Sharon

Posted At : December 12, 2010 1:27 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

"How can I help you?" The childless elderly widow paused before answering the pastor's question. "Don't forget me."

A few months ago I heard the same cry in my eighty-four year old mother-in-law's words as we settled her into a rehab center. She was recovering from surgery for a broken leg and was unable to care for herself. I asked her to describe her concerns about her new surroundings and she responded, "I'm afraid you are going to leave me here and forget about me."

Of course, I reassured her that would never happen. Her altered mental state diminished her ability to grasp the reasons for her temporary home. The only reassurance she could cling to was that I had never lied to her before. In her weakened condition, such she had to choose to trust my assurances that we would never neglect or forget her. Perhaps that is one of the greatest fears of every one. We want to know that at least one person in this world remembers us, cares for us, protects us, will not forget us.

Tamar, the first woman mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus, refused to be forgotten by the man responsible for her well-being. The first time I heard this story was several years after the death of our son, Mark. Tamar's behavior raises more moral questions than we can answer in this context (Chuck addresses them in his book, Harlots and Heroines, The Midwives of the Messiah) but God's character displayed in her story created an "aha!" moment in my desperate need to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty.

Soap operas have nothing on scripture and Tamar's story is no exception (Genesis 38). Tamar's husband died. A widow alone faced a life of poverty. A widow without children had no hope of a future. In her culture, brothers were expected to marry their deceased brother's widow. By this marriage, Tamar's offspring would continue the name and inheritance of the deceased. Such a union was later called a Leverite marriage (Deut. 25:5-6). Tamar's second husband refused to impregnate her because he didn't want her children to share in his inheritance. and he died. Actually, God put him to death, also. (You must read Genesis 38 for all the intricate details.) Judah, the father-in-law, son of Jacob, brother of Joseph, saw that the common denominator in the deaths of his sons was Tamar and he sent her back to her parents, telling her that when his youngest son was old enough, she could marry him. At this time Judah had no grandchildren to carry on his line. Judah's line would die if his third son did not have children. And apparently he had no intention of giving his youngest son to Tamar as her husband.

Tamar waited and waited and waited. When her mother-in-law died, Tamar must have concluded she had no hope of Judah keeping his promise. She used prostitution, deception, drunkenness, whatever it took, to force Judah to remember her. And remember her, he did. By means we cannot go into right now, Tamar forced her father-in-law to give her what was hers by God's law. Theologians have forever debated whether Tamar was righteous in her actions. That's not a discussion we can have in this context, but God gave me two brilliant treasures through Tamar's story.

God promised a Messiah would come through Abraham's family. For reasons known only to God, He chose Judah's family to continue the Messiah's bloodline. His choice of Judah, a man who sold his brother Joseph into slavery, is a cause for pause in itself. It's ironic that the very tactics Judah used to betray his father (lying, deception) Tamar used against him.

Through Tamar's manipulation of Judah, she became pregnant with twins. Perez, one of her sons, is listed in the genealogy of Jesus. In the middle of the Bible is this one tiny story that impacts all of our salvation. The bloodline of the Messiah ends with Judah if this baby is not born. This story gave me such deep confidence in God's character because in the middle of impossible circumstances He kept His promise in a way human beings would never have determined. Out of ashes comes indescribable beauty. I applied that character to my own shattered heart. How could God give me joy again in the darkness of grief? I concluded that I would trust that the same God who brought a baby out of a dark, sinful, horrific relationship in order to deliver His promised Messiah could bring joy back into my dark, broken world.

Second, grace flows through this story. God includes Tamar, a woman whose moral judgment appears deeply flawed, in the bloodline of our Messiah. Tamar's story encourages me to trust that my sins and the sins of others will not thwart God's eternal purpose. God redeems the pain and consequences of our sin. This is a mystery but we know that through repentance and genuine sorrow, God can create a testimony of His amazing grace.

Judah repented of his sin and applauded Tamar for her righteousness. Imagine Tamar's joy in the birth of her twins. Trust God to redeem the pain of broken places.

What Christmas gift do you want that cannot be broken? Perhaps, like the widow your own request is, "Do not forget me." Under Tamar's picture in God's Christmas Catalog imagine this description: Our God is the God Who remembers. His character displayed in the story of Tamar reminds us that no matter how dark or alone we may feel, He's there. The bloodline of the Messiah flows through the son of Tamar. God did not forget Tamar. If you need to know that He is the God Who cannot lie, the One Who cannot forget His promises or His children then Tamar's gift is for you, too."

In His grip,

Sharon

PS For more on Tamar's story, read Harlots and Heroines, Midwives of the Messiah. This book is a great way to soak in the Christmas story in preparation for Christmas.

Posted At : December 9, 2010 5:50 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas

I can only imagine the conflicting emotions that filled the women of Israel as Rahab, the Harlot, set up housekeeping outside the camp of God's people. Rumors about this streetwise hussy must have flown from woman to woman as they watched her unpack her colorful garments and exotic treasures. In keeping with their promise of safety for her family, the spies led her from Jericho to a place "outside the camp." However, at some point, Rahab, the Harlot, began living "with the Israelites." What happened? I think that among the women of Israel was at least one who took a deep breath, packed up a basket of stuffed grapeleaves, Syrian bread and baked kibbi and resolutely walked the pathway to the door of this strange woman's tent, determined to embrace and welcome her into the family of God.

Rahab, always called the Harlot in scripture, is the second woman mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. I love Rahab. When Chuck and I were working on our book, Treasures of Faith, I had the privilege of getting inside Rahab's skin so that we could adequately tell her story. Rahab is one of the most unlikely women whose blood would flow in the veins of the Messiah, yet, God unapologetically includes her.

She was a harlot (or prostitute) who lived in Jericho. She ran a whorehouse - there is no other way of saying it. In her community, she was respected because her culture revered prostitutes as a necessary part of worship of their gods. Her business was strategically placed on the wall of Jericho so she was well exposed to happenings outside of Israel. Not only well-placed city officials but traveling businessmen frequented her "ladies" and maybe even Rahab herself. God used these visitors to teach Rahab about His character so that when the Israeli spies stopped by, she declared to them that "He is God." (Read Joshua 1 - 6 for the whole story). Because she believed in God's faithfulness and power, she hid the spies in exchange for her life and the safety of her family.

By doing so, Rahab, the harlot, was now a liar and traitor to her countrymen. Yet, she is not only included in the genealogy of Jesus, she is listed with Sarah in the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11. In addition, James uses her as an example of a faith that works. What supernatural hope Rahab's life communicates to people broken and stained by their own sinful choices.

Rahab becomes the wife of Salmon. Together they give birth to Boaz. We'll hear about Boaz when we talk about Ruth because Boaz married Ruth, a Gentile. Boaz and Ruth give birth to Obed, the father of Jesse. Jesse is the father of King David from whom flows the blood of the Messiah. There are so many life lessons in Rahab but one that stands out takes me back to my first thoughts. Who befriended Rahab? After winning the battle of Jericho, "the young men who had done the spying went in and brought out Rahab, her father and mother and brothers and all who belonged to her. They brought out her entire family and put them in a place outside the camp of Israel." Joshua 6:23

I like to believe an older woman, maybe the mother of one of the spies, embraced Rahab and insisted the other women welcome her. Someone created a safe place for Rahab, the harlot. I am always challenged by this story to ask myself if I am creating a safe place "in the camp (church)" for Rahab today. Oh that I will be the one who embraces the broken woman whose lifestyle is different than mine but whose heart resonates with the same need for Jesus. Joshua 6:25 feeds my imagination with the words "...and she lives among the Israelites to this day."

If Rahab was pictured in God's Christmas catalog, the description would read, "Looking for a belief that is unwavering? An ability to stand alone, even in the face of incredible danger? Do you need beauty from ashes and encouragement that your past does not make you ineligible for God's family or service in His church? Then God's gift to Rahab is for you."

In His grip,

Sharon

PS For more on Rahab's story, read Harlots and Heroines, Midwives of the Messiah. This book is a great way to soak in the Christmas story in preparation for Christmas.

Posted At : November 24, 2010 3:11 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement,Family

So you're dreading your traditional family gathering because one thing you can count on is that your relatives will not behave in a way that creates a peaceful, laughter filled day.

Family dynamics are difficult even in the best of relationships. One of the best pieces of advice I heard years ago was to recognize that the verbally obnoxious uncle, or already inebriated cousin or bitter sister will most likely behave exactly the same way they did last year. They have no plans of changing so that you will enjoy a "Hallmark Card" kind of holiday. Accept that they are wounded and their wounds are worse during the holidays. Refuse to take responsibility for changing them.

Prepare for "war" by arming yourself with God's Word. Spend time in Psalm 15 before attending. Jot down God's perspective on how to respond to a wounded person or a difficult family member. Some of my thoughts from this passage:

Do what is righteous.
Speak truth from your heart.
Speak no slander. (don't get pulled into gossip)
Do not offend your family member by doing wrong.
Do not throw verbal mud.
Honor and respect one another.
Push every behavior through the grid of God's glory

If in spite of all your efforts to avoid conflict, you are drawn in, remember and live out the truths of Proverbs 15:

Proverbs 15:1 - A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15, 4, 7 - Use your words as a life-giving force.
Proverbs 15: 14 - Seek facts, respond to facts, not drama.
Proverbs 15:18 - Be patient and calm a quarrel.
Proverbs 15:21 - Stay on topic. No rabbit trails.
Proverbs 15:28 - Think before speaking.
Proverbs 15:31 - Be open to life-giving rebuke.
Proverbs 15:33 - Humility comes before honor.

May we experience God's special presence this holiday weekend in a way that offers help and hope to hurting people.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : November 18, 2010 8:32 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

This is a long post but it's such an important topic, I don't care! Please read it to the end. A news story crossing the airwaves on November 18, 2010:

Pastor's Order, Thou Shalt Not Facebook: The Rev. Cedric A. Miller has had it with Facebook and what he says it is doing to couples coming to him for counseling. So he is giving his married church leaders until Sunday to get off the social-network website or resign their posts.

The senior pastor at Living Word Christian Fellowship Church, an interdenominational and evangelical church here (New Jersey), said a large percentage of his counseling in the past year and a half has been for marital problems, including infidelity, stemming from Facebook.

While the news media will make fun of this pastor for taking such a bold stand and perhaps friends and office acquaintances will twitter (no pun intended) and giggle over such a silly pronouncement, there are thousands of others who will privately wish they could demand the same boundaries for their own marriages. Just last week several women and I discussed the dangers of reconnecting with old flames on Facebook and other networking sites. At the end of our conversation they encouraged me to address the topic in my blog. I hesitated because I knew I would be stirring up a hornet's nest. But I agree with the pastor's assessment about the dangers of social networking sites. So here goes. Believe it or not, there is an actual expert on the topic of reuniting with old flames through Facebook and other social networking sites. Her conclusions are based not on personal opinion but studies of couples. According to her website, Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. http://drnancykalish.com/ has been conducting research on reunited couples since 1993 and is recognized as the international expert on rekindled romances and lost loves. Her landmark study of 1001 people worldwide who tried reunions with former sweethearts was reported in her popular book, Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (hardcover by William Morrow, Inc., 1997; paperback by iUniverse.com Back-in-Print, 2005). She has also written The Lost Love Chronicles: Reunions and Memories of First Love (2005) which appears in ebook, audiobook, and Kindle formats.

In the 1990's and mid-2000's Dr. Kalish conducted two studies that reveal surprising facts. She took a look at people who reunited before the internet exploded and a second group who reunited through the internet.

She examines her findings in her book Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance. I was intrigued to read that 76% of pre-internet and 78% of first-love re-connections in Phase 1 culminated in happy marriages with a later divorce rate of 2%. Wonderful news! I was shocked to read that of the reunions in the second group, i.e. people who reunited via the internet, only 5% of these relationships resulted in happily ever after marriages. Ok, she hooked me into reading more. What was the difference?

Before the internet, how could you reunite with a "lost love?" You had to ask the ex-boyfriend's mom for his phone number or plan out a chance meeting. In the first group study, over 2/3 of those who reunited with old flames were single and asking for an old boyfriend's phone number or checking up on his life would be a natural conversation that might get a few knowing smiles but would be considered appropriate behavior for a single woman. Enter the internet and social networking. Suddenly, it's easy to find and connect with an old flame, privately, so that you can explore the relationship without anyone knowing or judging your interaction. So what's wrong with that? Well, in the second group 2/3 of the participants were married. And here's the stunning result of those innocent, good intentioned reconnections according to Dr. Kalish's study: 62% of these married people progressed from an innocent reconnection into a full blown adulterous affair.

Again, according to the participants, they were happily married and had no desire to cross any moral lines. Even more amazing is that most of the time, the spouses endorsed the reconnection, often coming along to meet the "old flame" for lunch or dinner. After all, "we're just two old friends catching up on life." Right?

I hesitated to address this topic because I am confident many people have reconnected with old flames via the internet and the result has been a renewed friendship that is completely innocent and healthy. But Dr. Kalish's studies affirm the low grade anxiety I have sensed in the women who have expressed to me their fears over their husband's internet relationships. Rev. Miller's public pronouncement about the dangers of Facebook are not over exaggerated in the marriage counseling room.

But is it Facebook's fault that so many marriages are impacted by these reunions? Of course not. We are responsible for our choices and we can't fall back on "Facebook made me do it!" If adultery was only a "small temptation" for a limited audience, God probably wouldn't have mentioned it in the Ten Commandments. Because it's one of TEN, it's likely this is a common temptation that needs extra vigilance. NO ONE is exempt from temptation. A major reason why more people do not commit adultery is because they admit their vulnerability to immoral relationships and put up boundaries to remove the opportunity for temptation. I don't buy cookies because if they are in the house I will eat them and lose all self-discipline when it comes to other sugary treats. Likewise, when a woman marries, she is making a decision to avoid any relationship that tempts her to betray her marriage vows. That's true about every potential sin. As we mature, we identify our Achilles Heal and we wisely create fences to shore up our defensives that will make it harder to take a pathway that might at first feel really good but leads to destruction. For instance, an alcoholic avoids package stores or hanging out at bars. A person addicted to pornography puts safety measures in place on her computer. Before the internet, connecting with an old flame was accepted for what it was - tempting yourself to betray your spouse with an old boyfriend. Social networking sites and the internet make it much more difficult to create and maintain relational fences. Facebook gives us the ability to reconnect with an old flame in the context of innocence. You can even cultivate the relationship with flirtatious, playful banter while your husband is sitting next to you on your sofa watching television. He doesn't even know that you are involved in emotional foreplay with a former boyfriend (or maybe even a potential new boyfriend). And if he expresses concerns, your defense is that if you were doing anything wrong, you certainly wouldn't be doing it with him in the room. He's the one with the suspicious mind. You're just friends. What's wrong with him? Why does he have such a "dirty mind?" Temptations are not the problem. We are all tempted in some way. The problem is when we fool ourselves into believing we are strong enough to hold the line. Perhaps it's a matter of ego. Can you recognize the danger of the flutter in your stomach when a former boyfriend playfully reminds you of a fun-filled intimate moment and implies longing for what was? Or do you enter into the flirtatious mode yourself, rationalizing that was years ago and we're adults now. Do you understand the seeds of discontent that could be planted? I know that some of you are thinking that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I'm wondering what you're willing to give up in order to protect the purity of your own marriage. Be careful. We are like frogs in the kettle, jumping into a lukewarm pot that slowly simmers into a boiling cauldron.

Let's get back to Dr. Kalish's study. Most of the old flame reunions that resulted in cheating also resulted in getting caught. And what happens when adulterers are caught? Total destruction and shattered lives. Most of the cheating men remained with their broken-hearted wives and many of the cheating women were thrown out by their enraged husbands. Yes, sin is pleasant for a season but then comes destruction.

So what's the answer? Chuck and I have access to one another's email, social networking, phones, etc.. In some other blogs I've addressed some practical fences to put into place that will act as red lights for wise couples. But a disturbing conclusion of this study was that happily married people were vulnerable to the powerful pull of lost loves. Do not be fooled. Lost loves can try to recreate a fantasy of youth and innocence. See it for what it is - fantasy. If you are concerned about your husband's internet relationships, share this information with him and ask him to agree on how to proceed with such reconnections, if at all. If you are the one involved with an old flame, instead of private communication on any level, include your husband, even if he could care less and trusts you implicitly. You will be doing your old flame and his wife a favor if they know that every word you exchange with him is read by your husband. Another fence for you is to imagine his wife reading your communication with him. Another good fence is that any relationship that doesn't enhance your marriage is a bad relationship and that includes girlfriends along with old flames. End those relationships now. As I'm re-reading this post, I'm beginning to wonder why any of us would want to pursue a relationship with an old flame or anyone else that requires so many safeguards? What is it about that other person that is so enticing? And isn't that in itself a warning sign that this relationship has two many risks that require emotional energy that is better invested in building up your marriage? One wife asked me what could be so special about that old girlfriend that her husband was more willing to hurt this wife than to end contact with the "other woman." That question deserves an answer. What is the pay off that makes the anxiety worth it?

Is it possible to have a friendship with an old flame? Of course. But let's be careful out there. Facts don't lie. And Dr. Kalish has given us some startling facts that can reinforce the fences of your marriage. Let the games begin. What do you think?

In His grip,

Sharon

If you are someone you know is involved in an adulterous relationship or is trying to restore a broken marriage impacted by adultery, this resource is for you. Click the link for a free download or order a CD: Adultery, Forgiveness and Redemption

Posted At : November 11, 2010 5:53 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. According to one study, one in five of our troops will return home from war with this hidden wound. Our preparation for interviewing Nate Self (www.nateself.org) along with Bobby and Elissa has taken us on a journey that will forever change our view of our courageous warrior veterans and current military forces.

PTSD is not a sign of weakness but rather an indication that the individual struck by this emotional, spiritual and mental weapon is reacting to circumstances and events that threaten their physical, emotional and spiritual lives. In his work book for those experiencing Post Traumatic Stress, The Combat Trauma Healing Manual, Christ-centered Solutions for Combat Trauma Chris Adsit states, "One of God's top design priorities when He created us was that we be equipped to defend ourselves and survive in a wide variety of dangerous situations. To this end, He equipped us with an amazing set of response mechanism...After a traumatic event, your brain knows that it just had an incredibly close call, and it is determined to be ready to react if the danger comes by again. Good idea - except if it gets stuck in that mode, which is essentially what PTSD is...The shock physically alters parts of your brain.

Your reactive pathways modify, your brain chemistry changes and becomes hypersensitive, overreacting to normal stimuli. Your hippocampus - the part of your brain that interprets and calms your emotional responses - shrinks and works less effectively. Your left and right brain hemispheres have trouble communicating and balancing each other - so you're either all emotion and unordered, or you are emotionless, cold, withdrawn and not much fun to be around. Sometimes each of them inside of five minutes. And whenever your brain senses that it's getting near the "scene of the crime" via some sensory trigger (a smell, sound, a sight, a memory), it quickly opens up the photo album it created during the earlier traumatic event and puts on an intense slide and video show to re-instruct you that you don't want to go there again! "Are you nuts!?? We almost bought it when we were there last time?? Get away??" The technical term for this is "re-experiencing." (Page 25, 27)

Jane and Rolando Ford, a retired military couple who are redeeming the pain of PTSD by offering help and hope to other men and women who are struggling to find a new level of normal after war, gave us an example of this "re-experiencing." Jane told us that driving in a car with Rolando was at times terrifying because he was on full alert for anything that to him resembled an IED - an explosive device hidden in trash or by the side of the road. She described him reacting with rage and fear if a piece of paper blew across the highway. Others told us about sleeping fully dressed on top of the bedcovers with their weapon by their side and described recurring nightmares so terrifying that they avoided sleep. How do you "re-condition" a brain that has been physically altered by such fear and experiences?

Chris Adsit goes on to give hope to veterans and current military troops alike when he states:

"The opening of the photo album can also have another function. It's a flare being sent up by the trauma survivor's inner self alerting the outside world that he's been through more than he can handle and he needs help dealing with it. We humans aren't meant to suffer our traumas alone and not bother anybody else about them. We are an interdependent species, ordained so by our Creator. We need each other. And if our "outer self" won't take action, our "inner self" will keep up the pressure until we do. By the way, it seems to work. More PTSD suffers finally decide to seek help due to their re-experiencing symptoms than any other reason." (Page 27)

I see the fingerprints of biblical encouragement all over this journey. We repeatedly heard veterans tell us that one person coming alongside of them was the beginning of their journey toward hope and help. In our interview with Bobby and Elissa Hoops, Bobby described how a "chance meeting" with an Army Chaplain in his Congressman's office was the moment he believed he had a reason to live. And that's why Bobby and Elissa are now helping others find a new level of normal when they bring war home.

I will share more of their story in a future post. Please pray for us as we start the hard work of editing these interviews in a way that will give hope and help to hurting military families. We are praying for that one soldier, Marine, sailor, veteran who is ready to join the thousands of veterans who have taken their own lives because they are without hope as a result of their war experiences. Pray with us that many will respond now to the hope and help that comes through knowing Jesus.

Thank you to our veterans for the sacrifices you have paid to protect our country.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : November 1, 2010 11:11 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Politics

Why are some, seemingly insignificant childhood memories seared into our brains? Perhaps because sometimes those childhood vignettes help clarify our thinking as adults.

I was in third or fourth grade, standing in the lunch line and listening as a fellow student told us who his parents planned to vote for in the upcoming presidential election. Not to be outdone, I told him who my parents were voting for. After school I proudly informed my mother of this very important, adult conversation. Her response floored my little mind.

"Sharon, you had no business telling anyone who we are voting for. That is a sacred right, that we can vote for whomever we want without threat of punishment."

Her anger shocked me. Why was their voting choice a secret? Why wouldn't they want everyone to know their choice?

As an adult I better understand the sacrifices paid for the right to vote privately. I recognize the pressure millions of people feel from their employers and unions or friends and family to vote a certain way. The value of the right to vote with a secret ballot has become even more clear as we have watched the millions of people in Iraq risk their lives to influence their governments. That value cannot be measured when we consider the lost lives required to gain that right and keep it.

I saw this quote from Stalin on Facebook: "The ones who determine the outcome of a vote are not the ones who cast the votes but the ones who count it." I think a truer statement for America is, "The ones who determine the outcome of a vote are not the ones who cast the votes but the ones who do not."

If you have never voted or have no intentions of voting, please reconsider the price tag paid for this right. Cynical young people, do not neglect this privilege and responsibility. I won't bore you with all the reasons why people give for not voting. There was a season in my life where I probably would have agreed with you. Instead, take it from a "seasoned woman." I urge you to vote values. Determine who best (I didn't say perfectly) represents your worldview. And then pray as you pull the lever, as God commands us to, for our government.

See you at the polls.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : November 1, 2010 2:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

What started as one resource designed to help turn hearts toward our God when they are facing frightening circumstances and loss has developed into a vision of producing and distributing hundreds of thousands of resources that offer hope and help to hurting people. A few years ago a physician friend asked us to produce a booklet or CD that he could give to patients who were facing life threatening illnesses. He said that he only had five minutes with such people and it wasn't enough time to explain how they could face any circumstance with strength if they knew Jesus. Because of our own life journey and struggle to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty when our youngest child, Mark, died in a car accident, our friend thought people would listen to us.

His request coupled with our own need to have a resource to give to grieving parents led us to develop the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out resource library. The response to the first two interviews, Loss of a Loved One and Breast Cancer, reminded us of the power of story telling. For reasons only God knows, people trusted us to handle their stories of loss and redemption in a way that could offer help and hope to hurting people. We added interviews on Terminal Illness; Alcoholism, Help and Hope; Dying with Dignity and Grace; Autistic Spectrum Disorders, Speaking Hope; First Responders: Wounded Healers and our news mini-series, Coming Home from War. We will soon launch The Ultimate Sacrifice, two interviews with Gold Star families whose loved ones did not come home from war. Because of the generous support of God's people, we have produced and distributed thousands of these resources free of charge to people experiencing these life crises. My personal goal is that one day we will have resources that address over 200 topics and that when people are faced with life-altering circumstances, the first place they turn for help will be MARKINC Ministries.

In less than two weeks we will travel to Ft. Hood to begin production of a resource that addresses Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The more we learn about this horrific life journey, the more we wonder if our resources will really offer help and hope to our military families. The needs are so enormous. What good is a one hour interview? How much help and hope does it really give? As I struggled with this question, I remembered that a friend described MARKINC Ministries as a spiritual and emotional triage unit where our resources act as tourniquets that slow down the blood flow from the hemorrhaging heart. When the lights in a person's life go out, they need to hear from a fellow traveler that hope is real and dawn is coming. Such stories give power to broken people to take a deep breath and perhaps consider the life-giving message of Jesus. Our hope is that they will find more resources on our website that will feed the deep needs of their souls.

In the months and even years after Mark's death, I desperately needed to hear from other bereaved parents that one day the ache in my chest would break, that I wouldn't always physically hurt, let alone constantly cry. Just seeing another bereaved parent smile gave me hope that one day I could smile again. Less than two years after Mark's death, a friend connected me with a freshly grieving mother. My own grief was so sharp I didn't think I had anything to offer this broken woman. At the end of our conversation I told her so and she stopped me and whispered, "Your voice is strong, that gives me hope that one day my voice will be strong, too." My story, broken as it was, gave hope in that moment.

Jesus used stories to teach and we are following His example in using stories to help stop the hemorrhaging of a broken heart.

Do you have a story of help and hope? Perhaps it's time for you to offer your life journey as a means to help turn hearts toward our God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : October 28, 2010 10:37 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage,War

On November 8 - 10 Chuck and I will be in Ft. Hood, Texas. Through circumstances only God could orchestrate, we are going to Texas to interview Nate Self on the topic of Post

Traumatic Stress Disorder. Learn more about this genuine American Hero by viewing the NBC Dateline program, Rescue on Roberts Ridge included here. Nate shares his story in his book, Two Wars, One Hero's Fight on Two Fronts -0 Abroad and Within. We will also interview Bobby and Elissa, a military couple who will transparently share their own journey into darkness as a result of Bobby's wartime experiences. These interviews will become part of our Coming Home from War resource library.

In preparation for these interviews, we read Nate's book, along with When War Comes Home, Christ-Centered Healing for Wives of Combat Veterans and The Combat Trauma Healing Manual: Christ-Centered Solutions for Combat Trauma

We are so humbled by the trust that these folks are placing in us to share their stories in a way that offers help and hope to hurting people. Thousands of military families are paying an unspeakable price for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Suicide rates among the military are soaring. Marriages are failing. The hidden heroes in many of our military families are the spouses who are determined to keep their marriage vows and help their broken husband or wife find a new level of normal when they come back from combat. Not only do military families fear that their loved ones will not return from war but they also fear that if they do, they will not be the same person who went to war.

Nate, Bobby and Elissa are among many who are declaring that we must acknowledge the damage to our faithful military families and we must offer help and hope that puts them on a path of purpose and peace. Please pray for us as we travel to Ft. Hood and pray for these precious warriors who are sacrificing their privacy and taking us into their pain in order to offer help and hope to broken military families. I'll keep you posted on our journey. Sometimes I wonder at the value of what we are doing with the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out resource library. The needs are so enormous, what good is a one hour interview? In a future post I'll share why we continue to produce and distribute these resources. Perhaps our reasons will encourage you to offer your story to others as a means to help turn their hearts toward our God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : September 25, 2010 11:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

My mother-in-law's physical ailments have forced us to confront the ravages of aging as she has spent time in nursing homes after repeated falls. She is a stubborn, strong woman who refused to surrender her home and live with one of her children or even to downsize. And so, we continued to try to make her comfortable and safe in her own home. Her falls have become more frequent and those visits to the nursing home are painful, a stark reminder that even if our good genes and the jars of anti-wrinkle cream protect our faces from the marks of aging, our bodies will one day wear out. The hallways are filled with elderly people who remind us that sometimes our minds will surrender to the toxins of life and break down as well. I cry every time I leave Chuck's mom at the rehab center. So often I look into her eyes and remember the beautiful young woman Chuck introduced me to over forty years ago. We are only one family in the line of millions of others who, facing the same circumstances, need to know that she is in good hands, that the caretakers see beyond the wrinkles and the helplessness. The calling of elder care is priceless to the families who cannot care for their family members by themselves. We learned to recognize those who care deeply and handle her with respect and compassion. We cannot adequately thank them for their tenderness. Those are the ones who don't need to read this poem that a friend sent to me many years ago. Whether you are involved in elder care or not, there may be someone who needs a special tender touch from you, someone to remember the value of his or her life. I can not express the heart of an elderly woman any better than this anonymous author.

An Old Lady's Poem
When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health.

... And now this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this simple, yet eloquent, poem traveling the world by Internet. Goes to show that we all leave "SOME footprints in time".....

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
...Not a crabby old woman; look closer ...see ME!!

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : September 22, 2010 1:27 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

A grown up son officially launches Stone's Throw, a new congregation in Middletown, Delaware, and I am suddenly whisked down a tunnel of memories. God is opening my eyes to something I can barely get my mind around. Legacy has an even deeper meaning as I consider the beginnings of this new work. Sadly, many who meet Jesus through this congregation will not know the roots of this vision. Yet I believe that this congregation is the fruit of prayers prayed and families made that started over 100 years ago.

The new congregation is located in the same town where my grandparents lived in a house my father built, where my parents raised my siblings and me until I was twelve years old. My parents were childhood sweethearts that attended the local high school. My father built many of the homes on the east side of town as well as a housing development that he named after me, Sharondale. My mother's mother, Grandmom George, was a charter member of one of the local churches. Grandmom believed that Sundays were meant for rest and so when my two girl cousins and I went to her house after church, we spent at least part of the afternoon sitting on lawn chairs in the backyard, reading our Sunday School papers. Grandpop George, who didn't attend church while Grandmom was alive, was inside, listening to the Phillies on the radio, smoking his cigar and falling asleep to the drone of the announcers (all activities which led my grandmother to conclude that her husband was hopelessly lost).

Childhood in Middletown was idyllic. We played in the woods, built dams in the "clean stream" so that we could cool off during the lazy, hazy summer days. On hot afternoons, we played board games on the porch or looked for the perfect turtle to enter into the Vacation Bible School turtle race. My siblings and I held Fourth of July parades and performed puppet shows for our parents. We walked into town, sometimes balancing ourselves on the stone wall surrounding the old cemetery along the way. We visited the old fashioned five and dime and bought genuine cherry cokes at the soda shop - you know the kind, with real cherry syrup and maraschino cherries at the bottom of the real glass. There is an old Methodist Church in Middletown, where my mother led the Brownies and Girl Scouts and I was one of her girls. I walked the streets of this little town, all by myself, and sold more boxes of Girl Scout cookies than anyone else in my troop. Sometimes we attended movies at the old Everett Theater. Twenty-five cents to see Tammy, starring Debbie Reynolds, definitely my all time favorite childhood movie!

Every time I enter an old church, the scents and feel of the building remind me of my childhood church life. We attended the same little church where my mother grew up as a charter member. No nurseries, no kids' church, nowhere to take crying children, unless you were my father. I remember well my dad taking me out of the service, applying discipline and carrying me back to the pew. I learned early how to sit in church. How much of church actually soaked into my little mind? Frankly, I can't remember one sermon I heard. I do remember my best friend and I timed the pastor's prayers, giggling on the back row during Sunday evening services and the pastor reprimanding us for our bad behavior. I remember the hymn sings and how we always picked the most upbeat songs as our favorites, you know the ones: Nothing But the Blood and Wonderful Grace of Jesus! This little church helped build a rich heritage of hymnology that has carried me through dark, dark days. When the church doors were open, my parents made sure I was there. Sunday School teachers, Vacation Bible School programs, Sunday night services along with Sunday worship - every piece of church life impacted my worldview in a way that I recognize anew has influenced the way we raised our children and long for our grandchildren to embrace.

I think that's what I'm trying to get my mind around these days. Sometimes we think that teaching is only through speaking or reading or preaching. But there is such a legacy of faith in my own soul that I long to pass on to our children and grandchildren that comes from relationships within my covenant family. That legacy flows from right doctrine and scriptures, absolutely. Watching our sons and daughter, their spouses and children embrace church life as necessary for their wellbeing reminds me of how critical it is for us to insist that our churches reflect the love and security that comes from knowing Jesus. I want our covenant children to long for the same relationship to Jesus that their parents have.

I see children and young people who are captured by the joy of knowing Jesus because they are watching their parents and grandparents live lives that reflect His love and grace. I have to admit that I wasn't really impressed with my Grandmother's way of expressing her faith. She seemed rule-driven and I wanted freedom. Yet perhaps it was her prayers that helped turn my heart back to Jesus when I strayed off the path of intimacy with Him. Perhaps her prayers, prayed before our children were born, contributed to our son, her great grandson, leading a congregation in the very town where I first remember those strong family connections and experienced church life.

Last week our three church campuses celebrated the birth of Stone's Throw with a joint dinner, worship and communion. All three worship bands led the music. It was Loud! It was Joyful! It was moving! Little children clapped and moved their bodies in time with the music - some might call that dancing in the aisles! Seeing our young people and children embrace church life as a place of joy and fun is perhaps one of the best parts of worship for me. During one of the songs, Chuck leaned over and laughing, said, "If your grandmother could see this, she would be turning over in her grave!" And I thought, "She can see it, through the eyes of Jesus, and I think she just might be dancing in heaven as she recognizes that God is answering her prayers by sending her great grandson to proclaim Jesus in her hometown." Yes, the roots of legacy run deep.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : September 21, 2010 9:43 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

I was seventeen years old and working at a Bible conference that summer. Housekeeping (cleaning up after campers) was my self-chosen job because I wanted to spend as much time on the beach as possible. Unlike the waitresses, dishwashers and cooks, housekeepers had their afternoons off once the floors were swept and beds were made. What could be better than a long summer at the beach with like-minded teens in a faith-based environment? But I had some emotional baggage that refused to stay safely packed away. My high school boyfriend did not share my faith. He wasn't thrilled when I informed him of my summer plans but promised to visit. It didn't take long in that Bible soaked culture for me to conclude I had to break off the relationship. Drama drapes teen lives and his first and only visit ended in more drama than I dreamed possible. I was almost sent home by the director's wife (that's another story) but I followed through with my commitment to break up and experience the summer commitment free. If it weren't for my mother, I probably wouldn't have stuck with my decision. Every night after dinner, I slipped into the phone booth, dialed home and held my breath until I heard her voice. I chattered about every detail of the day and waited for her to encourage me to stay the course. I wish I could remember specific nuggets of wisdom that she shared. It wasn't the words as much as the emotional connection with the one person who loved me more than anyone else in the world at that time of my life. What is it about a mother's voice that soothes and calms a daughter's troubled heart? Our daughter, Heidi, has noted specific times that she has called just because she needed to hear my voice. There wasn't anything I could do for her to change the circumstances but perhaps like me, she needed to connect with one who loves her in a way that no one else does.

Consider this:

If your daughter is stressed out, the soothing sound of your voice can relieve her anxiety as much as an actual hug, says a University of Wisconsin-Madison study. After a series of challenging tests, girls who were comforted by their mom in person or over the phone experienced a surge of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that also calms your stress response. In contrast, girls who had no contact with their mother showed no rise in oxytocin. So if you can't be there, speed-dial your daughter after her difficult exam, important performance or other big event (or tell her to call you). (Ladies Home Journal, page 164, October, 2010)

This study explains how a mother's voice for some daughters is better than a pill, alcohol or even chocolate. Just my mother's voice initiated a physical change in my body that lowered my stress hormones. There are so many "motherless" women who long for such a calming influence. Women whose mothers died when they were very young or whose mothers abandoned them emotionally. Perhaps this is another reason why God instructs older women to mother younger women (Titus 2:3-5). Perhaps it's more about that calming voice than it is about the words spoken. I need my mother today. I am restless and anxious. But my mother left this earth in 1998. Perhaps instead of longing for her voice, I can be that soothing voice for a motherless young woman, who longs to know that there is at least one woman who loves her deeply. Perhaps just hearing my voice will help turn her heart toward the One Who loves her even more than I do. And maybe that truth will produce a hormonal change that puts a skip in her step and a smile on her face.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 25, 2010 1:06 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

Picture this. Hot and humid and a bunch of grandkids on the screened-in porch. Grammy distributes water bottles, trusting the youngest (three years old) up to the oldest to know how to drink water from a bottle.

Twenty minutes later Grammy walks out on the porch to check on grandkids. One of the grandsons picks up a water bottle and pours it out in front of Grammy.

Grammy grabs the bottle and exclaims, "What are you doing? Stop that and don't do it again!"

A minute later same grandson picks up another water bottle and empties it on the outdoor carpet.

Grammy recognizes the line drawn in the sand.

Kneels down in front of the child and begins a lecture. "Do not pour water out on the floor. Do not disobey me."

Grammy sees that this child is not looking at her and shifts into second gear.

"Look at me."

Grandson averts eyes.

Grammy grabs him by the cheeks, forces his eyes to look into hers and repeats:

"Do not pour the water on the floor. You must obey me. Repeat after me: Do not pour the water on the floor."

Grandson remains silent and again averts his eyes.

Grammy recognizes that the other grands are watching and she must win this battle. Grammy tightens her grip on the cheeks, demands that he look her in the eyes and states emphatically: "Repeat after me, I will not pour the water on the floor."

Silence while Grammy waits for correct response. Grandson: "Grammy, my ears can't hear you because my mouth is so full."

Grammy tries not to laugh and finally gets him to repeat, although without much conviction, "Don't pour the water on the floor."

Life Lesson for Grammy: "God, my ears can't hear you because my mouth is so full. Full of my own words, my own protests, my own excuses. Lord, empty my mouth and open my ears to your voice. May I listen twice as much as I talk."

"My dear sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a woman's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19 - 20

'nough said.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 20, 2010 10:55 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

Sometimes when the marriage of a couple we have mentored and known from their wedding day, crashes and burns, Chuck and I will spend time feeling sorry for ourselves, wondering if anything we are doing and saying has an impact on anyone. We are broken hearted when a family implodes and nothing we can say or do can put back the pieces of their broken homes. Why bother, we wonder. What good does it do? Then we reassure one another with this truth: there are hundreds, maybe thousands of people who have heard the Word of God and the exhortation to apply His Word to daily life who are quietly living out their lives, applying scriptural truth, and experiencing God's grace and strength as they face the struggles of this world. These people are building families and passing on a legacy of faith that is eternal. We encourage each other that all we can do is share what God has taught us. People have a choice as to whether what we say is truth and whether or not they will apply it to their lives. We can't force them to obey God's Word and experience the joy that only He can give.

Then there are moments, many more than the crash and burn experiences, when God reminds us of some of those people who choose to apply God's Word no matter how difficult and walk by faith, in the light and the darkness. They are the busy bees in the church, often behind the scenes, saying "yes" to helping others, leading children's ministries, working with the youth, teaching a women's Bible study, attending a men's Bible study, serving in leadership roles, singing in the choir, keeping the books, welcoming guests to the church family. God has transformed their hearts and out of gratitude to Him they are passing on a legacy of faith to the children God has placed in their lives.

God recently reminded me of some of those women who chose to attend a Bible study for young married women in 1994. Our newly-wed daughter, Heidi, asked me to lead a study for her friends, all newly weds. The topic was The Challenge of Being a Woman. What was ironic to me was that I had taught this same study to some of their mothers when these newlywed young women were little girls. Heidi had no furniture so we sat on the floor in her living room and week after week, opened the Bible to see what God had to say about womanhood. I just found the attendance list for that small group. Fifteen of the twenty women are still active in our local church, striving to build families that know, love and fear God and many are in leadership positions. Two of the women, sadly, are no longer in their original marriages. I've lost touch with three others. But think of the percentages. In a culture where 50% of marriages end in divorce, as far as I know only ten percent of this group suffered the agony of a failed marriage.

I'm not saying that these girls are walking by faith because of this study. But I do believe their hunger to equip themselves for this strange thing called marriage so early on in their lives indicates their commitment to keep on learning and to keep on building on their strong faith foundations. I can still see some of those girls and where they were sitting in that circle. I remember one of them asking hard questions because she had just recently experienced the stillborn death of her first son. I can see another sweet, young, shy, quiet girl who would later sit in my pink chair in my sunroom and cry through every meeting the two of us had as she tried to reconcile the stillborn death of her first daughter and God's love. I think about our daughter's coming struggle with infertility and wonder how much that group helped prepare her for her own battle to trust God. Along with my own daughter our new daughter-in-law as well as the young wife who whose family would one day include a child with enormous physical needs but also great joy because of that child. I see the BIG hairstyles on some of the girls and I chuckle that one of them is now the Nursery Coordinator in our local church. Another one is a pastor's wife, one is an elder's wife, another a deacon's wife, and all of them women that I absolutely love and fondly remember. I remember the discussions on submission and headship, the laughter over the differences between men and women.

But most of all, I remember how those girls became a safe place for a broken-hearted grieving mother - me. This was a year after our son's death and yet these girls thought I had something to offer them. They gave me a reason to think about something besides my own anguish. Because of that, each one has a special place in my heart.

Now, I look around at a whole new generation of young newly weds and young mommies and I am eager to pass on to another group of women some of the truths that God has taught me over the years. But more than that, I can't wait to develop those same kinds of personal friendships with this new group of women.

And I will have the privilege of observing them as they choose to quietly build a legacy of faith that will have an eternal impact, just like their sisters who walk this pathway a little ahead of them.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 18, 2010 10:02 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

9. Be transparent and honest in your communication. Most marriage counseling I do centers on teaching couples Biblical principles for communicating. We come into marriage with preconceived ideas of the right way to speak, to resolve conflicts. Even when we hate the way our parents communicated, we often find ourselves becoming just like them unless we are determined by God's grace to break the chains of the past. Observe how others communicate, study Biblical principles and be accountable to one another for practicing communication that builds up rather than tears down. Often a couple does not realize how their communication reflects badly on their relationship to Christ. As trusted friends what does your communication reveals about your relationship to one another? You may be very surprised.

10. Learn to embrace pain as your friend. This is perhaps one of the most difficult principles to live out. The hard places in marriage are God's sandpaper designed to smooth out the rough places in our characters. There is no better woman in the world for me than my wife. I know this because we are married and God's design is for her to complete me. Our relationship not only brings joy and pleasure, it also is an opportunity for us to become more like Christ. Marriage requires sacrifice, seeing our spouse's needs as more important than our own. Such moments are often painful and yet that is the model of Christ. And isn't He the One whom we are to emulate in all of life? So with Jesus I encourage you to "go home to your family and tell them [by the way you treat them, love them, encourage them] how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you."

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : July 15, 2010 10:02 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

Legacy building happens in mundane moments of life when we least expect it. I experienced one of those moments a few days ago and I can't get it out of my mind. We were enjoying a relaxing evening with friends, Bob and Becky and their two sweet children, R.J. and Anna Beth. Dinner was delicious and healthy. Chuck accepted R.J.'s invitation to see his latest Lego projects and Becky laughed and warned him that he would now get the full picture of their home organization.

After dinner, Bob suggested that Becky show me some of her scrapbooking albums. Conversation buzzed in the background as the beautifully created album pages carried me back into Becky's childhood and marriage. Perhaps because of my own passion for passing on a legacy of faith and family to our children and grandchildren, I had no trouble picturing her life and the special connection she had with her mother and grandmother and sisters. Her father is a photographer so the pictures of Becky growing up years told a story of love and family that contributed to the strong family foundation that exists in her home today.

This particular album is a personal journal for R.J. and Anna Beth. In it Becky tells the story of her own life and how her parents influenced her love for art and creativity. She describes her mother taking her to art museums and how her mother encouraged her to paint alongside of her as a little girl. She tells R.J. and Anna Beth that she wants to pass on that same love of life and creativity to them. I was especially taken with her comments about her Nana's Notions. With Becky's permission I include them here:

Mom handed down Nana's sewing basket to me after my grandmother's passing in 2001. I gave the wicker basket a place of honor in my craft room, but initially I didn't do much with it. I would open it here and there to get a needle and thread but that was it. As time went on, and my time spent scrapbooking increased, my visits to Nana's stash of notions became more frequent. On one of my little treasure hunts, I found a large hat pin that I now use as my paper piercer when scrapbooking and card making. In my searches for the perfect button or embellishment, I would often find little bits of memorabilia: theater tickets, Catholic medals, even a little swatch of hastily sewn fabric where Nana stashed her extra needles. Ironically, aside from the hat pin, I've never used any of Nana's notions on my scrapbook pages. Instead, each little pearl button and rhinestone I have handled is a kind of kiss from Nana, best left tucked away in her precious basket. Even as I created a scrapbook page about her notions, I decided to scan her supplies as opposed to displacing them. Except for the "I'm Available" pin. That just cracks me up. And I think somewhere she's laughing right along with me.

I'm not sure if it was intentional, but Becky's labor of love contains numerous life lessons for parents and real life examples of how God transforms the mundane tasks of life into a majestic picture of His love through the dynamics of a biblical family. I reluctantly closed the album and Anna Beth took it from me. She cuddled up next to her mommy and began to slowly turn each page. What a beautiful picture of legacy, a little girl drinking in the life of her mother, grandmother and a great grandmother that she never met, but will feel like she knows.

At home later that night, I couldn't get this picture out of my mind. I imagined that one day Becky and Bob might have to pack up the albums and put them in the attic, perhaps in an attempt to find more room in their home or maybe as they try to pare down their lives and move into the empty nest season of life. I imagined their grown children cleaning out the attic and rediscovering these priceless records of their family roots. And I imagined another little girl, Becky's grand daughter or maybe even great grand daughter, cuddling up to her mommy, slowly turning the pages of their family history and drinking in the legacy of faith that her grandmother so lovingly recorded for her own children.

I think Becky is right. Her grandmother is laughing right along with her, not only because of the "I'm Available" pin but because her beloved granddaughter gets it - the value of family passing on a legacy of faith to children not yet born. Thank you, Becky, for sharing this legacy with us. Perhaps your expression of love will inspire others to go and do likewise.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 9, 2010 12:44 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

Our son posted this list as a note on his Facebook account. While my own parents didn't use these same words as they raised us, they certainly passed on these values. Common sense, pure and simple. Oh, how I hope parents will not only agree and smile at the truths but will also incorporate them into their lives and insist on passing them on to their children. Parents have an uphill battle in fighting the myths our culture has embraced. Many of these truths are rooted in truths from Proverbs. Teach them young, my friends!

Rule 1: Life is not fair...get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make 40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a cell phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parent's fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you the test as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10. TV is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

~Wise words from Bill Gates

For more on parenting check out Teaching Them Young.

Posted At : July 7, 2010 10:31 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

7. Partner in ministry. Find an outreach ministry in which you can serve together. Not only will this activity deepen your relationship, it will help teach your children to love serving the church.

8. Always remember the Biblical priorities in your relationships. When our children were very little I gave Sharon a plaque that reminded us of our priorities: The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Our Biblical family priorities are: Christ, Spouse, Children. Church. Work. Note that your spouse comes before your children - always.

And note that there is no other person on the face of the earth that can take the place of your spouse. Fidelity in American culture appears to be up for grabs. Wedding rings don't seem to act as a fence for many people. Great temptation comes against godly marriages because God's plan is for marriages to reflect His love. Commit to praying for one another to be faithful in all ways.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : July 6, 2010 8:39 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Hope,Grief,Encouragement

To honor Mark's birthday I plant a rose bush. I'm sentimental - if a child touches an item, I can't throw it out. So these rose bushes have to have symbolic names. The first year I chose a white rose that symbolized the peace and purity of God that I longed to experience in the aftermath of our son's death. The bush rarely bloomed that first year and I concluded it had died. But when I started to pull it out, I noticed a few green leaves. Without any pruning on my part, the bush bore two long stem white roses. When those two died, two more appeared. All summer, every day, two white roses graced that rose bush. No more, no less. A friend came over to give me a gift on July 6, the anniversary of Mark's death. I took her out to the yard to show her the rose bush and explained that I considered the two roses a sign from God - one for Mark and one for Kelly. She smiled and we talked about how God transforms what appears to be dead into a life-giving gift that can bring hope and help to others. That fall that same friend received the same kind of horrific phone call we received on July 6. Her only daughter was killed in a car accident. Chuck and I rushed home from our Florida vacation to be with the family. I walked out back to the rose garden and remembered our conversation. Instead of just two roses there were three long-stemmed perfect white roses. I gasped and concluded that God was sending a treasure in the darkness to my friend, Susan. The three white roses symbolized Mark, Kelly, and Rachel, pure, innocent and redeemed, with Jesus, like Jesus. I cut the roses and made a corsage for my broken friend. She hugged me tightly and wore the roses throughout her daughter's services. No more roses bloomed that year.

The death of a loved one creates an ever widening circle of losses. The sorrow isn't contained within that one relationship. Our sons married sisters whose mother had died when they were very young. Children who experience sudden loss before the age of 18 often do not process grief until the average age of 40. Life experiences remind them of the absence of their loved one in ways that can unexpectedly slam them into a wall. Our children learned this as they approached their weddings and welcomed their children into the world. But God sent Laura a special treasure that we believe was a wedding gift from heaven. And He used a rose bush as the conduit of His love for Laura and once more for me.

"Sweety, come out front with me. I want to show you something." Laura, our future daughter in law, followed her dad to the front of the yard. He stopped at a rose bush filled with blooms. "Laura, you know your mother planted this rose bush when you and Melanie were little. It never bloomed. But look at it. It's filled with roses. I think this is your wedding gift from Mommy." Goose bumps and tears were my response to Laura's gift. But maybe God had something for me, too, as we planned Dan's wedding without his sidekick, Mark, at his side. I rushed outside to my roses. Tears fell when I saw the glorious white roses that filled what was once a sickly bush. Could it be that these roses were another treasure in the darkness, reminding us that God was very aware of the shadow over the joy? A bouquet of her Mommy's roses graced Laura's wedding day.

As the years passed and we approached the eighth anniversary of Mark's death, I didn't expect God to send me any more rose treasures. I concluded that God only sent such treasures when the need was extreme and that year I had started to feel a little more "normal." As the Ghost of Grief is prone to do, he jumped me from behind and the days leading up to July 6 were excruciating. How long, O Lord, how long? I walked outside on that hot summer morning, trying to reconcile God's love with Mark's absence. God surprised me with a love note that reminded me He was very aware of my broken heart. Eight long stemmed white roses bloomed on this once dying bush. Eight.

Sometimes, though, we miss the treasures. Thankfully, God doesn't give up in drawing our attention to His love. Our daughter, Heidi, her husband Greg and their three children lived with us while their new house was being built. They all knew the story of my roses so on July 6 Greg expectantly checked out what was blooming. We were in the middle of a terrible drought so I knew there would be no roses this year. Greg came inside and reported, 'There's a beautiful, large red rose." I smiled and said, "It's on the City of Hope bush." But for some reason, the gift of roses had lost its appeal for me, especially since this single rose was not on my white, once dying bush. Two months later I spoke at a women's conference where I met a newly bereaved mother. She shared with me her own rose story, of how God clearly grew a specific number of large roses at just the right time to turn her heart toward him so that she would know how intimately involved He was with her. Then she said, "It wasn't until I learned that a single red rose means 'I will love you forever' and 'utmost devotion' that I recognized God's fingerprints on this gift."

Ah! Suddenly my eyes and heart saw God's gift on that hot, dry July day. In the middle of a dry season, when everything else was dying, God sent me a love note in the shape of a single large red rose. "Sharon, remember, I will love you forever. I am forever committed to loving you."

For those skeptics reading this, it's ok that you may minimize the "echoes of mercy" that God sends to broken-hearted people, treasures designed by Him. Just as lovers have a private language that no one else can understand, we have an intimate connection with our God that only speaks to our hearts. This note is for other broken people who may need to ask God to remove the scales from their eyes so they can see and receive those treasures in the darkness, designed by God to remind them of His presence and love. Such stories encourage my own heart to trust God more.

Today, on July 6, 2010, a single red rose blooms on my City of Hope rosebush this morning, a bush I added to our rose bed in honor of Mark's birthday years ago. A treasure in the darkness, sent by our Sufficient God to remind me that He is the Lord my God, the One Who calls me by name, on the anniversary of the last day we saw our son alive seventeen years ago.

A love note from my Sufficient God.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : July 3, 2010 2:50 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Hope

Our military men and women and their families face the struggles of everyday life compounded by the pressures of extended and frequent deployment 365 days a year. The Department of Veteran's Affairs and the Department of Defense have expressed serious concern about the mental health and well being of our troops and about the lack of available resources for them. In response to the call for help and hope for these precious warriors and their families we produced the Coming Home from War audio CD. Participants in these interviews are active and retired military who frankly address how families and couples can better prepare for and survive deployment. We confront the challenges of War and Marriage, War and the Family and The Demons of War. Because of the generous gifts of our supporters, we have distributed thousands of these resources FREE of charge to our troops and their families. Military families face the same daily challenges as non-military but deployment and long term separations magnify their struggles. In addition to the three-part Coming Home from War series, we are offering help and hope to our military families by providing full sets of the Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD library to chaplains and military base family counseling centers. Our military families serve us every day. We want to serve them by giving them these resources that offer help and hope. You can serve our military families with your donation that will help underwrite these gifts.

Americans celebrate Independence Day on July 4. Since the founding of our country, citizens enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because of the sacrifices of thousands upon thousands of American citizens who gave their lives physically and emotionally to protect our freedom of religion, worship, and speech. Throughout our history, Americans have battled to not only protect our freedoms but the freedoms of citizens in other countries. None of our freedoms are truly free. They are ours because others protect them for us. A soldier or their loved ones will tell us that for those who have fought for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know. To paraphrase the words of a Vietnam Veteran, A soldier will see and hear what others who have not fought will never see or hear; A soldier will smell and taste what others who have not fought will never smell or taste; A soldier will feel, sense and always remember what others who have not fought will never know.

MARKINC Ministries has a history of supporting our military men, women and their families and salutes those who have served and are now serving to protect our freedoms and the country we love. But, a salute is not enough. As Americans look forward to celebrating Independence Day on July 4, we are launching Operation Help and Hope for Military Families. Our goal is to not only provide the Coming Home from War audio resources to our military families, but to also distribute the entire Learning To See When the Lights Go Out CD library to chaplains and military base family counseling centers free of charge to the recipients. Just as someone paid the price for our freedoms, someone must underwrite the cost of producing and distributing these resources to our military heroes. Can you help? For every gift of $35 or more, we will send the entire set of these CDs to a chaplain or military family counseling center and you will receive a thank you gift from MARKINC Ministries. For every gift of $100 we will send three full sets of these CDs and you will receive a thank you gift as well. Our military families serve us 24/7. Let's serve them by providing help and hope for their daily lives.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : June 30, 2010 12:36 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

5. Pray and worship together. Pray together every day. Sharon and I started our marriage with the habit of praying together every night before going to sleep. It's tough to pray with someone with whom you are arguing. Our children tell us that they sometimes heard us praying late at night. Such moments not only strengthen a couple but help a child feel safe.

6. Don't ever take for granted your relationship. Continually focus on growing up in your marriage. Do not discount the little things, treating each other with respect and dignity, expressing your love regularly. Early in our marriage Sharon witnessed a newly married friend looking deep into the eyes of her husband and smiling warmly. That picture imprinted on her heart the need to save her best smiles for me as well as her children. Consider how you are able to stop yelling at your spouse in order to answer the phone with warmth! How do we do that? Because we make a choice to treat others better than our spouse. This should not be so in your home.

A few years ago, the Harry S. Truman Library in Independence, MO made public 1,300 recently discovered letters that the late President wrote to his wife, Bess, over the course of a half-century. Mr. Truman had a lifelong rule of writing to his wife every day they were apart. He followed this rule whenever he was away on official business or whenever Bess left Washington to visit her beloved Independence. Scholars are examining the letters for any new light they may throw on political and diplomatic history. For our part, we were most impressed by the simple fact that every day he was away, the President of the United States took time out from his dealing with the world's most powerful leaders to sit down and write a letter to his wife. Bits & Pieces, October 15, 1992, pp. 15-16.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 29, 2010 12:11 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

3. Pick your battles. Is it really worth fighting vehemently over who takes out the trash, loads the dishwasher, is the sloppiest? You fill in your own pet peeves.

Consider this wise woman's plan for dealing with conflict:

On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'" Roderick McFarlane, in Reader's Digest, December, 1992.

4. Understand the uniqueness and greatness of Biblical roles. After 38 years of marriage, Sharon and I are still learning how to live out God's commands on marriage! How do I love her as Christ loves the church? I am willing to physically die for her but dying to myself every day is what Christ requires and my wife desires. Sharon is called on to respect and honor me, to submit to my leadership as her protector and provider. Sharon is a strong, gifted woman and it's my responsibility to make sure she has the freedom to use her gifts to build God's kingdom. Although it is much easier now because of the habits of grace God is growing in us, there are times when we must step back and resolve conflicts and differences in the context of those roles. Study Ephesians 5 together and especially note verse 21: 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 21 A marriage that lives out this command will reflect redemption. In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 27, 2010 11:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

1. Develop a Christocentric Worldview, in particular God's view of marriage.

Consider this challenge to live out God's call to reflect His relationship to the church in our marriages:

They say a wife and husband, Bit by bit, Can rear between themselves a mighty wall, So thick they cannot speak with ease through it, Nor can they see across it, it stands so tall. Its nearness frightens them, but each alone is powerless to tear its bulk away; And each dejected wishes he had known for such a wall, some magic thing to say. So let us build with master art, my dear, A bridge of love between your life and mine, A bridge of tenderness, and very near, A bridge of understanding, strong and fine, Till we have formed so many lovely ties, There never will be room for walls to rise. (Author unknown)

And:

Joseph H. Choate was a thorough gentleman as well as a distinguished lawyer in this country some years back. He had a quick wit which made him good copy for journalists. Someone once asked him, "Mr. Choate, if you were not yourself, who would you most like to be?" Without a second's hesitation Choate replied, "Mrs. Choate's second husband." Bits & Pieces, May 27, 1993, p. 23.

2. Marry the right person. Consider the price John Wesley and his wife paid for entering marriage without good counsel:

While crossing a bridge in London, John Wesley stumbled and sprained his ankle. Some friends carried him to the house of Mrs. Mary Vazielle on Threadneedle Street. She was a widow with several children. She cared for Wesley and his response to her concern was to ask her to marry him. If we were writing fiction we might say that the sprained ankle was God's providential way to bring those people together. But the marriage was a disaster, and Mary finally left John. Had Wesley consulted with his brother Charles, and asked for the prayers of the brethren, he might have avoided that unfortunate situation. Mary was accustomed to her quiet home, and it was difficult for her to travel with her husband and stay in uncomfortable inns. It is unfortunate that Mary was not content just to ignore John's ministry; she actually opposed it. She gave certain personal letters to his enemies and even made additions to them that made them worse! Once she even pulled her husband around on the floor by his hair! "I felt as though I could have knocked the soul out of her!" one of Wesley's friends said. Wesley concluded that his unhappy marriage encouraged him to work harder and not complain about missing the comforts of a home. Certainly it encouraged him to be away from home more! W. Wiersbe, Wycliffe Handbook of Preaching and Preachers, Moody Press, 1984, p. 246.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 24, 2010 12:43 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

People of faith often forget that the first place to serve our God is in their marriages and homes. And when we forget that important principle, we endanger the godly legacy that it is our privilege to help build. If we are going to leave a godly legacy for the next generation we must divorce-proof our home and our legacy.

A few years ago, I preached a message series titled, "Twenty-seven Precious Promises." Every week our congregation looked at a Scriptural promise from each book of the New Testament. We determined how that promise equips us to be a redemptive presence in this fallen world. We learned the definition of "redemptive presence" in

Matthew 6:33: But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

My wife, Sharon, and I chose to engrave this verse on the inside of our wedding bands as a reminder of our life calling. These few words teach us a profound truth: our faith is practical and we must choose to live life through the grid of a Biblical worldview.

How often people excited and passionate about Christ and living for Him, forget that the first place we need to be a redemptive presence is in our own homes, our own marriages. When it's easier to be holy while "serving God" at church with Christian friends, we convince ourselves that our homes are not our priority. Yet this is a lie from the enemy because it's in our homes that we show a broken world what the love of Christ really is.

In Mark 5 Jesus makes it clear that our first priority for reflecting redemption is in the context of family. In a stunning show of power, Jesus healed a demoniac by forcing the demons into a herd of pigs. Their demonic power was so great the pigs rushed over a cliff and died. The grateful man is filled with joy and passion for Christ. He wants to go with Jesus and His disciples to help build God's kingdom. Jesus' response is startling:

Jesus did not let him [go with them], but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you."

We often hear that 50% of marriages, even in the evangelical church, end in divorce. Would that statistic be different if couples applied this command to their marriages? If they saw their homes as their priority for reflecting the love of Christ - even when it's tough?
Over the next couple of weeks, we are posting Ten Ways to Help Divorce-Proof Your Marriage. We pray that God will use these nuggets to make your marriage and home your priority.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : June 17, 2010 12:25 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper shocked many friends and supporters when they announced the dissolution of their over forty-year marriage. They explained that there was "no one else" but that they had drifted apart. We hope that the media and public give Al and Tipper privacy and the freedom to find their way back to one another.

A friend commented, "You just never know. They always acted so in love and committed to each other." It's true. No one but the husband and wife really know what a marriage is like. And sometimes, not even the husband or wife know the true condition of their spouse's heart. We can take a lesson from our former Vice President and his wife. We must guard our marriages. Scripture teaches us much about building a strong marriage, from the Song of Solomon to thousands of verses that address how to treat one another in any relationship to the many Proverbs that directly address faithfulness between a husband and wife.

According to this very public couple, adultery is not an issue. Neither of them have turned to another person. Yet when a couple "drifts apart" the root cause is neglect of their relationship which means other priorities have created an environment of unfaithfulness to their marriage vows.

According to Jesus, it's possible to commit adultery and never have an immoral physical relationship with another person. Let's think about this for a minute. Paul declared that ALL scripture is profitable for doctrine, correction, reproof, and equipping for righteousness. Therefore, we need to determine how Jesus' warning about looking at another woman with lust in our hearts is adultery applies to each of us. How do we drift apart in marriage? Perhaps it starts when we look at any other avenue for satisfaction and that avenue does not lead us back to a stronger relationship with our spouse. Instead, we end up at the corner of Discontent and Boredom rather than at the center of Satisfaction and Delight.

There are numerous passages in Proverbs that warn a young man to avoid the adulterous woman. Many readers cannot relate to a woman dressed as a prostitute walking under their window, seductively whispering, "My husband is out for the evening, come and talk a while with me..." Yet this scripture is profitable as a means to equip us for all good works.

Proverbs 5 - 6 outlines the downward spiral of adultery with specific, graphic warnings of the outcome. If lusting after another person is not your core struggle, replace the "adulterous woman" with any desire, activity, or relationship that you may be putting before your spouse. Before you reject the possibility that you may have such an idol, consider Proverbs 29:20 - This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I've done nothing wrong." Remember, we're trying to learn from Al and Tipper and guard against drifting away from our spouse. It's time to do a marriage gut check and that won't happen if we are unwilling to consider the possibility that we need to make some changes.

After Solomon graphically warns his son in Proverbs 5, he encourages him with how to guard against anything that could distract him from his marriage:

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well...Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

There is much more in this passage than a call to recapture the ecstasy of youthful physical intimacy. One assignment we give couples struggling to rebuild their marriages, is for them to make a list of what attracted them to one another. What did they enjoy doing together in the beginning of their marriage? We try to guide them to recapture the FUN of their marriage. While this will not solve deep-seated issues, sometimes it's all a couple needs to get back on track.

Over the next couple of weeks, we will post clips from an article by Chuck, Priorities that Build Strong Marriages.

We've been married forty-one years. And we endorse Solomon's counsel to his son. It applies whether you're 21 or 62.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon

Posted At : May 31, 2010 4:48 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

War is hell. This is not a political statement. Memorial Day is set aside as the day to remember this fact: that thousands upon thousands of Americans made the ultimate sacrifice when they went into the hell of war and didn't return to their families.

Last night we watched a movie (Taking Chance) based on a true story that chronicled the emotional journey of the Colonel who requested the privilege of escorting home a fallen Marine. It's a painful movie to watch but in honor of all those who have given their lives so that we can experience the freedoms of America, we had to see it to the end.

We both cried and the aftermath of that stark picture of the reality of the ultimate sacrifice of our military and their families will stay with us forever. We have family members who are serving us in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every day they are safe is a gift. Saturday a team from MARKINC Ministries distributed the Coming Home from Warto veterans who participated in the motorcycle Run for the Wall. Thousands of Viet Nam Veterans and their families travelled to pay tribute to the thousands of men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice but were not honored by our country until much later.

We must not forget those families and friends whose precious loved ones made the ultimate sacrifice or those who continue to pay a price only war veterans understand.

Perhaps it's because of the families we have met through the distribution of our resource, Coming Home from War, that this Memorial Day is more poignant and emotional for us. This summer we will produce the fourth interview in our Coming Home from War CD series: The Ultimate Sacrifice. We will spend time with the wife of a fallen soldier and the mother of a fallen Marine. Because of our own life journey, we intimately connect with the grief caused by death. We will continue to urge others to acknowledge that while it is possible to find purpose and joy once more, there will always be a piece of our hearts that belong to those fallen loved ones. Just acknowledging that fact gives permission to grieving people to embrace life.

We recognize that most people do not want to face the aftermath of death but on this day designed to remember, we recommend that you read this article and view the accompanying photographs and video. You will be moved to tears but your appreciation and respect will be changed forever.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon Betters

Posted At : May 7, 2010 10:10 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

I love the way Facebook connects me with friends. Their posts keep me connected to their children's funny comments and family outings, home invasions of spiders and snakes, pictures of homeschooling projects and accomplishments, book recommendations, responses to Lost episodes and shared spiritual lessons. Facebook also gives me a glimpse and reminder of the ongoing grief some of my friends experience every single day. And especially in the midst of changing seasons.

Almost seventeen years have passed since our son, Mark, physically left our presence. He's been gone longer than he was with us. My heart aches for my son. The Ghost of Grief surprises me by its presence in the changing seasons. Every spring I express how mystified I am by the deeper level of weariness I experience and Chuck reminds me, "Changing seasons make our grief sharper, especially in the spring when we face Mother's Day and Mark's birthday once more." Aha, now I know why it's harder for me to be "nice" and control the emotions that are always just below the surface. Now I remember how much energy such self-control requires and how it saps my already low reserves of emotional strength.

I see Facebook statuses from grieving friends who are experiencing that same kind of surprising longing for their missing brothers or sisters or daughter or son. They express so beautifully their need to just talk to them one more time or their deep desire for that ultimate reunion, the wish of seeing their loved one's pleasure in their earthly accomplishments. I read these thoughts and my heart just aches with a similar longing. I can't find words to describe the ugliness of grief - sometimes just UGH.

Seventeen years later - the longing is deep and fresh and unbroken. All I need to hear from a grieving friend is "I wish....." and I know immediately the driving anguish that brings that desire to the surface. We live with it every day but once in a while we just have to say it. For all my broken hearted friends, struggling to reconcile God's sovereignty with His love, for my fellow grief travellers who are longing for those who are no longer with us physically, especially as our grief is sharpened by the changing seasons, remember this: God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down, relax My hold on you. Assuredly not! (Hebrews 13:5, Amplified) I hope this promise and song by Matt Redmond will give you a reason to release those tears and choose to trust that you are not alone in your sorrow. He's there and you are in His grip. We're there together.

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : May 6, 2010 6:48 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

"I can't do this. I just can't and I won't."

The morning was almost over and I was emotionally spent from all the tests required to determine if and how far the cancer had spread. The bone scan was physically painless but emotionally torturous. What if the cancer was in my bones? Would I die?

Would I need chemo-therapy? I hated needles and was terrified of nausea and vomiting. Though I hated my hair, I didn't want to lose it. Was surgery absolutely necessary?

Chuck pulled me into a small room, ready to take on anyone who may have insulted or hurt me. And I whispered again, "I can't do this, Chuck. I just can't and I won't."

"Did someone hurt you? What can't you do? What do you mean?"

"I can't have cancer. I won't. I can't do this. Doesn't God understand, this is too hard and too much?"

Twenty-three years later, whenever I hear about a cancer diagnosis in a friend, the memory of my fear of cancer and the unknown that I experienced in my battle against this aggressive, sneaky disease comes rushing back in high definition color. Once during my journey in this foreign land where I didn't know the customs, the language, the people, I listed every time I cried. I think I stopped at over twenty-five tearful moments.

I recently asked Chuck if he ever thought I would die from the cancer and he said yes. Instead of allowing that fear to root, he said he hung on to our oncologist's words, "This aggressive treatment is a six month nightmare that is an investment in the rest of your life." Chuck decided that my dying wasn't an option.

In God's plans, it obviously wasn't but it took me over a year after my last chemo treatment to feel physically normal again. And it took many years of regular bone scans and check ups before I trusted the cancer was completely gone.

Every once in a while, I have an ache or pain and my mind goes to cancer. Is it back? If it is, will it win this time?

In that split second, I am faced with a choice. If it is back, will I trust God's sovereign plan and choose to reflect Him in the journey? Will I remember the lessons of faith that God gave me in the foreign land of cancer during my first journey? This quote by Jim Andrews reminds me to look back over God's faithful presence in the daily moments and have confidence that He will keep His promises again:

What is meant by "monumental" faith? I do not mean "great" faith or heroic faith. No, this is a faith that has trained itself in the midst of adversity to look back at God's past demonstrations of his character and confirmations of his promises. These monuments are a testimony of what he will do in the present, regardless of the difficult things that are happening. Polishing God Monuments by Jim Andrews

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 4, 2010 6:34 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Lord, help me sort out "important" vs. "urgent." I am very concerned about ticket sales for the Gala. I've done everything I know to do and yet sales are slow. Help me rest in You, trust You with the results of our hard work.

This was my journal entry ten days before the MARKINC Ministries Grand Dessert Gala and Mark Schultz Concert. I was worried. None of us had a good feeling about the fundraising aspects of the event. The faltering economy in our region had hit us hard, just as it had hit hard many other non-profit organizations. We had cut our budget everywhere possible and I fully expected we would need to cut even more. Yet, the requests for our resources were growing, not diminishing. While I was worried, I also expected God to use the success or failure of the fundraising of this event to guide our future vision. As I wrote up our program for the night, I included the vision of distributing 50,000 Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CDs free of charge. We need $200,000 to accomplish this goal. This goal is $80,000 higher than any other year. In addition to funds raised at the event, we are also approaching funders for grants. If we were to even come close to achieving this distribution, God had a lot of work cut out for Himself!

After recording that prayer in my journal, I turned to Psalm 20 (since it was April 20). This scripture is a prayer for King David just before he was going out to battle against a powerful enemy. His people add their prayers to his. As I read, I concluded this was God's direct response to my worrisome heart. My translation:

May God answer me. Send me help from the sanctuary, the church. May He send me help from Zion, heaven itself. May He give me the desire of my heart. May my heart (emotions, thoughts, motivations, and actions) desire only His glory. May all my plans succeed, only if they satisfy His glory. Are my plans really Yours? Some trust in chariots (hard work) and some in horses (lots of people attending the event) but I will trust in the name of the Lord and His purposes. I know we're in a spiritual war for the hearts of broken people. Proverbs teaches me to make plans by seeking advice; and that if I wage war, to obtain guidance (Proverbs 20:8). Yet with all that advice seeking and planning, I know I haven't done everything right. Our resources are so limited. At some point, I have to accept we've done all we can humanly do. Luke 14:31 - 32 reminds me to count the cost of war and when outnumbered to seek peace, to negotiate. We're outnumbered but we will not negotiate with the enemy. I surrender to my limitations and trust You to stand in the gap. I've made many mistakes and forgotten important tasks. But Lord, you are the mover of hearts. So I must rest in You and Your power. Whatever happens at the event is in Your hands.

Someone has said that worry is taking on responsibility that God never intended you to have. Sometimes I have trouble determining when I am worrying and when I am being diligent. I was definitely worrying while being diligent in this case! This Psalm confronted me with the worry part and God gave me freedom from the stress as I verbalized my repentance and embraced confidence that no matter what happened through this event, God was responsible. If we didn't raise a lot of money, that meant we needed to re-evaluate our vision in the context of God's provisions.

I'm so glad that for the next ten days I continued to work hard but without worry. Because if I hadn't I would have to accept how much energy I wasted on worry that was misplaced. God moved hearts at the Gala in a way that we could not. Guests gave and/or pledged over $135,000 through the message of this night. That is more than we have ever raised in one event.

We believe that money is the least of God's worries though it certainly is on the top of the list for ministries. God uses money to confirm a vision or a missionary's call to a foreign field. We believe that if God is in a vision then He has already given funds to His people for that vision. People just need to hear Him when He reminds them that the money doesn't belong to them, they are simply keeping it safe until time to give it to the ministry for which He earmarked it.

I'm so grateful to those who listened on Friday night! And I've shared with so many people the story of Psalm 20, that when facing an enemy with what appears to be an overpowering army, I'm learning to trust not in horses and chariots but in the name of the Lord. What horses and chariots are you depending on? Can they really accomplish what only God can do?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 1, 2010 10:30 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Every time my mind fights sleep and I start to get angry and frustrated, I remember a devotional that I heard Elisabeth Elliot's daughter, Valerie, give at a women's retreat.

We were in a conference center located in a beautiful, dessert like setting in California. I spoke several times on the topic of Treasures of Encouragement in the Wilderness of Suffering. I can't remember most of what I said but I will never forget the simple message of Valerie's devotions. We were all in our PJ's, gathered for a last few minutes before the end of the day and I was emotionally and mentally exhausted, eager to regroup.

Valerie began by sharing her own need for sleep. She said she found that if she had a certain number of hours sleep every night, she could handle the many demands of her large family. She was so committed to this number, that she planned her life around sleeping so that she could be in bed at a certain hour every night. For years, her system worked and then with no warning, she experienced sleeplessness. She panicked and started trying every means she knew to make her body fall asleep at the appointed hour. To no avail. She cried, she was irritated, frustrated, even angry that her body refused to shut down according to her predetermined schedule and needs.

Valerie described her short temper while trying to cope, how tired she was during the day and increasingly upset that she wasn't getting the sleep she knew she had to have.

I don't remember how long this sleeplessness lasted, but I became tired listening to her describe how exhausted she was as a result of what felt like never ending exhaustion.

Then Valerie confessed, "I begged God to give me sleep and He didn't answer my prayer. I was asking Him for something good, something I needed in order to do the tasks required of me as a mother and a wife. He repeatedly denied my request. I begged harder, cried more, became angrier. I demand that He keep this promise in Psalm 127:2, 'for he grants sleep to those he loves.' When He didn't, I wondered if He was even listening to me!"

I resonated with Valerie's frustration and remembered my own sleepless nights. Then she said something so simple and yet so profound I will always remember it, "I finally realized that God is sovereign over my sleep and that I could trust Him to give me the rest I needed for the tasks at hand. If I only got 4 hours of sleep instead of 8 or 9, then that must be all I needed for the day ahead. While I still longed for more sleep and I was still tired during the day, my attitude took a complete turn and I began to see that my theology applied to every day details. I had made an idol out of my sleep."

And then we prayed and went to bed!

Hmmm, I'll leave the application of this truth in your life up to you and your Father.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 30, 2010 9:53 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

I couldn't sleep at all last Saturday night. And sleeplessness for me is unusual.

After tossing and turning, I finally gave up and tried the ultimate sleeping pill: Prayer.

It seems that every time Chuck and I pray these days, we end our conversation with God like this, "And, please, Lord, we need wisdom. You know the challenges facing us. Lord, wisdom, please."

So Saturday night and into early Sunday morning I listed one more time, for my God who knows everything, all the circumstances in our life as well as those in the lives of people we love.

I reminded God that He is my covenant God, that He has promised to hear me and that if I need wisdom, He will give it to me. Just ask.

I told Him how much I love the people who are on my heart and asked Him to burden my heart with others who might not be sleeping either because of great sorrow or excruciating decisions or broken relationships. Things I wouldn't know but secrets known only to Him.

I fell asleep with one particular family on my mind as I asked God to give them a sense of His presence while they struggled to make sense of their own life difficulties.

Before going to church I sent a quick email to my friend, telling her that God kept me awake with her needs on my heart and that I had asked Him to give her strength beyond herself as she faced that day.

Sunday night I read a response. Why was I shocked to learn that at almost the exact time in the middle of the night that God burdened me with her name that she was facing yet another crisis? My momentary shock gave way to feeling humbled that God would give me the privilege of staying awake through the night to pray for a dear sister who could not pray for herself in those moments. As I write this I am overcome with a deep appreciation for God's love for my friend, that He connected me to her through prayer. And I know that hearing that God had moved me to pray at that exact moment reminded her that she is His child, that He is the Lord her God and that He calls her by name. I am so humbled by God using me as a channel of His compassion!

Are you sleepless in your hometown? Can you surrender to the sleeplessness as a gift from God so that you can pray for those He loves? Have you told His children that He reminded you to pray for them?

This incident reminds me of the truth of Encouragement Principle #9 in my book, Treasures of Encouragement: Consistent, fervent prayer is the greatest treasure of encouragement we have to offer. I need to remember to offer this gift more often.

I'd love to hear your story of how God reminded you of His love through the prayers of someone else. Or, how God reminded you of His love for you by giving you the privilege of praying for that friend.

Prayer - the greatest treasure of encouragement

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : April 7, 2010 11:51 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Cancer. Breast Cancer. The words strike terror into the heart of any woman. True life stories of women who have fought or are fighting this battle give us courage in our own life struggles. Help me honor these valiant women by telling their stories in my blog posts. These women and the example of those who have come alongside of them to encourage them to fight hard and trust God's presence will encourage and equip readers to do the same. These stories will help lead up to the month of May when we often focus on breast cancer in honor of Mother's Day.

I was thirty-nine years old when I heard that diagnosis of the beginnings of Stage III breast cancer. How could it be? I share my story in the article, Every Day Lived Since Cancer is Sweet Victory.

I learned a lot about myself during the months following my diagnosis and during the aggressive six months of chemotherapy. I also learned a lot about the power of encouragement. The women of our church decided to walk through this foreign land with me and they wouldn't let me keep them out. I share some of the practical ways they encouraged me in the article Helping a Friend Through Breast Cancer.

They held up our arms when we couldn't function on our own. When we lost our son, they flew to our wounded hearts again.

One of the fruits of these two broken places in our lives is my book, Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church. We have put together a special Mother's Day Gift Package that includes Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church and the Treasures of Encouragement Annual Planner. As a special bonus, we will include the hour long interview. ORDER NOW! Chuck and I did on our journey through breast cancer from our Learning to See When the Lights Go Out CD library. The gift package is ready to give, including a gift bag, gift card, and tissue paper. We hope this gift will not only encourage and equip your loved ones, but also remind them to get a mammogram, perhaps in honor of Mother's Day!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : March 13, 2010 3:41 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Faith,Encouragement

Over the next few weeks Chuck and I will add some joint posts on our blogs. This one is from Chuck.

"All you have to do is preach through Hebrews 11 and I'll do the rest." Sharon had just shared one of our dreams with me. She loved Hebrews 11 and wanted to write a book on what she called "God's Waiting Room." She also wanted us to co-author the book. She said my task would be to research and preach on each character in the chapter. She would condense the preaching into book form.

I responded, "As long as all I have to do is preach. Yes, I can do that."

It was fun to see how excited she was as we mapped out a timeline and talked through the process we would follow.

As the sermon series unfolded and Sharon transcribed every message and organized the material, we began to see that preaching doesn't always lend itself to writing. This process would be much more difficult than we expected. I preached fourteen sermons on Abraham alone. This promised to be a grueling process.

Anyone who writes books knows that publishing dates often get moved up. But this was not an option for us. Every year the Women in the Church of the Presbyterian Church in America recommends a small group Bible study . That year they were holding a national conference and would introduce our book as the recommended small group study for that following year. Our publisher endorsed our plan and we committed to a detailed timeline for getting finished chapters to our editor. While it was difficult we met every deadline.

Through circumstances beyond our control, the publication of the book was delayed. The Women in the Church leadership told our publisher that if it was not in their offices by a specific date, they would not be able to recommend it as the small group Bible study.

Suddenly we had about two months to edit, finalize and publish not only the book but a detailed Leaders Guide. The editing process had not even begun. Anyone with any sense knew that we were embarking on an impossible task. But everyone involved agreed it was worth trying.

Let the writing marathon begin. Every few days we received two edited chapters from our publisher., one for the book and one for the Leaders Guide. After a couple of weeks of non-stop writing that started earlier every day and lasted until late at night, I knew Sharon could not keep up this pace. One of the themes of the book was cultivating community and becoming channels of God's compassion. I told Sharon she needed to practice what she was preaching. Ask two of her writing friends to help her write the Leaders Guide. These two women joined the writing team and their fingerprints are all over the Leaders Guide. We wouldn't have met our deadline without them.

Fifty-seven sermons and months of intense writing later, Treasures of Faith: Living Boldly in View of God's Promises arrived in the offices of the Presbyterian Church in America in time to meet the deadline. That fall it was introduced to several thousand women at the conference in Atlanta as the recommended Bible study for the year.

This book is filled with in-depth Bible study that gets the reader into the skin of each person in our spiritual family. Sharon says that sometimes she couldn't see the keyboard or computer screen as she wrote because of how emotionally connected she felt to the biblical person she was writing about.

We are offering Treasures of Faith at a reduced price and including an Introductory CD interview in which Sharon and I talk about the writing process and this study. Click here to order. We also have a Small Group Study Package that includes 10 books, 10 Bonus CD's and a FREE Leaders Guide for a savings of $78 off the retail price.

This book traces our spiritual family tree and will change the way you think about your spiritual roots. For more details visit our Treasures of Faith book page

Remember Sharon's promise that all I would have to do is preach? Not. I'll share more about the book in the next few weeks.

In His Grip,
Dr. Chuck Betters

Posted At : March 10, 2010 11:38 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Family,Aging

"Do you have Grammy?" Katie didn't want me to get left behind. Our family of 21 was piled into several cars to head to Downtown Disney and everyone in my car laughed out loud at eleven-year-old Katie's question. But Katie's serious and obvious concern started me thinking about how our grands might view us (OLD and needing oversight?).

The next day we experienced every parent's nightmare when one of our six year old twinnies melted into the Disney crowds and was missing for an eternity (at least five minutes). Some of the cousins cried tears of relief along with the adults when we saw her walking toward her Mommy. After that terrifying experience, not one of the thirteen cousins objected when their parents demanded they stay close and connected to at least one adult. For the next few days all of us counted heads. During one of those counting moments, nine-year-old Mollie seriously remarked, "I'm keeping my eye on Grammy!"

Again, all the adults laughed because she sounded like a mommy watching a child. If you're familiar with any of my worldview, you know I am passionate about legacy and passing on a biblical view to our children and grandchildren. So I know our grands are watching us, but watching out for us? Mollie's comment started me thinking again about how I viewed my grandparents at this age. From my childhood and teen seasons of life, they looked OLD! (I also thought my parents were very old and now I know they were actually very young.) Do our grands see me as that old? I think so. And do I really need someone to keep an eye on me? Well, maybe on some days.

A few days earlier our son Chuck and I exchanged views on Florida snowbirds (retirees who escape to warm climates during winter months). I remarked that I sometimes feel depressed when we arrive at the Ft. Myers Airport in Florida because all I see are old people. I'm sad because I know this is where I'm heading. (See, I don't think I'm one of them yet!) And I don't like it. The sea of white hair, wheelchairs and sometimes hobbling, bent over adults confront me with my struggle to reconcile God's view of aging with L'Oreal's marketing scheme:

Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. Proverbs 16:21

The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old. Proverbs 20:29

God's view just doesn't square with my body's view of aging as in "help me get off the floor, please." Maybe that's why our grandchildren think I need to be watched over!

Son Chuck's different take on this sea of aging humanity was different than mine: "Well, they actually encourage me because they are active, they aren't giving up on life, they seem to be enjoying it. Something fun to look forward to."

Wow. The grid through which we view life is everything. I don't see myself as old. Maybe I'm a young old. Maybe 62 is the new 52. I have periods when my life feels busier now than when I was raising four children. Opportunities for ministry in this season of life are more than I have hours in my day to accomplish. And as long as I get my Happy Hour (afternoon nap), I'm good to go!

Back to being watched over by our grandchildren. As Chuck and I walked into Hollywood Studios with 3 of them, Mollie pointed out the Sorcerer's Hat and said, "Mommy and Daddy told us that if we get separated from them, to come to the Sorcerer's Hat and they would find us." I smiled and asked, "Are you telling me that so that if you get lost, I'll know where to find you or are you worried about me getting lost?" Mollie smiled mischievously and replied, "I'm just saying..."

I'm thinking that our grands are not just watching us live life, they are now watching out for us. I like it.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : February 28, 2010 5:59 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

Our daughter, Heidi Nequist, poignantly describes an impact of death that many experience but is often hidden from view. Perhaps her thoughts will reveal quiet opportunities for us to reach out and touch a broken heart that is trying to find its way back to the lap of God.

There were two instances this week in which I was reminded of the aftermath that death leaves in it's wake. There are the obvious broken hearts, the extreme loss, the empty arms, the grave, and the intense longing for heaven for those who know Jesus. And most people expect these things from the family of the one who has died...but I continue to be amazed that death touches so many...it spreads it's evil tentacles and grabs whoever it can and tries to destroy them. On Sunday, I was speaking with someone about a matter completely unrelated to death in anyway. She was sharing with me about how certain things have rocked her faith over the years. This is someone I consider to be a spirital rock and someone I have always looked up to. She was talking about divorce and how the concept of Christians divorcing has always scared her. She said that when it happens to someone she knows, she questions God and asks what will protect HER from the same thing? She paused and looked at me, and with tears in her eyes stated: "It's like after your brother died...my faith was rocked." She went on to say that she had felt that bad things happened to people as the result of their faith being weak, or the result of their own personal sin. She felt like she could keep bad things from happening. Then, when my brother died, she said that changed everything. She realized that there was nothing she could do to keep her world from falling apart. She shared with me that after Mark died, she didn't come to church for NINE MONTHS! I was shocked! I had NO idea. She said she felt that if God could do this to our family, who had given their whole lives to the work of the kingdom, then surely no one was safe or protected by the God we serve, who claims to love us. The aftermath of death.....lack of faith, the warmth of our Father's arms gone because of our pain, and our inability to absorb the shock of the death. 16 years later we are still hearing about the destruction and aftermath of our grief that was shared by so many.

Then, tonight, I was reconnected with someone I had lost touch with....thanks to Facebook! I had been an influence in her life, and I think of her all the time. I wonder where she is, what she's doing, if she's living out the things she was taught in her brief stay under the influence of the church. She was a foster child of a family I knew. During that time, the foster father died a terrible, painful, and slow death. The only father she had ever known was gone. The only man who had ever shown her love, instead of hate, was gone. And with him, death took her safety. Her life changed dramatically after he died. She ended up on her own again, in many ways by her own doing. She lost all her relationships, she went back to old ways. I asked her tonight if she was happy. No, she isn't. She said, "My dad would be so disappointed in me. I never would have lived this life if he had lived." The aftermath of death.....lack of faith, the warmth of our Father's arms gone because of our pain, and our inability to absorb the shock of the death. I cried as I chatted with her on Facebook and wished it had been different. I wished that I had been in a position to love her and show her the love of Jesus. I wished that I could've touched her more deeply so that my words would've been enough to overcome the grief that was her life. But, I couldn't...I wasn't the one....but there was one. And he suffered the ultimate grief....his own excrutiating death on the cross. As I was chatting with her a song came on the radio....."Come to Jesus.....Come to Jesus...." This song, sang at the funeral of 11 year old Ashley will forever haunt me. It will forever conjure up the images of a broken Daddy and Mommy wailing in agony for their baby girl. It will forever speak to the deepest part of my soul. And tonight, as I chatted across the country with a girl who stole my heart years and years ago, the song played on my computer....."come to Jesus....come to Jesus...."

-- Heidi's blog, My life...in print! Is a record of her personal battle to discipline her body. She transparently shares how she has lost over 100 pounds and the continuing war to maintain her healthy body. In keeping with her theology to share what God has taught her with others, she is now a personal trainer and helps other women find their way back to a healthy body. Heidi is a loyal friend to many and her compassion and desire to equip, energize and enable others to experience God's grace is evident in the way she offers God's treasures of encouragement. Can you tell, I'm very proud of our daughter!

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : February 14, 2010 3:56 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage

"Oh, by the way, this gift covers Valentine's Day, too!" Chuck exclaimed mischievously. He had just given me an Anniversary gift that I envisioned would one day be a family heirloom, worn by a great, great granddaughter on her wedding day. It was that special. He's more romantic in a cultural way than he likes to admit. So I rolled my eyes at his reminder that he hates Valentine's Day. From the time we were married he has stood firm that he doesn't need marketing guru's to tell him how to say "I love you" to his wife. My most recent retort to his proclamation was, "You should be grateful for every opportunity to tell me you love me!" He just laughed.

News stories and headlines might lead us to believe that a faithful man is hard to find. Mention Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Tiger Woods and even the biblical David and our first thought is their infidelity. I heard a "man on the street" interview with two people where they were asked what they thought about Tiger Woods' secret adulterous life. I was shocked to hear both the man and a married woman give a similar response, "He's an attractive man, wealthy, well-known. There are lots of women who want him, so, of course, he can't help what he did." The interviewer tried every which way to get them to say Tiger Woods is responsible for his choices and he made the wrong one. They refused to hold him accountable.

Such responses could lead listeners to believe that such thinking is prevalent in our culture. Perhaps. But I want to celebrate the millions of men who take seriously the vows they made to their wives. Who refuse to take advantage of willing women and give in to temptation. I intend to use Valentine's Day to showcase my own faithful husband and remember some of the ways he has loved me. Real romance is not flowers, diamonds, jewelry and surprise trips. Sure, those are fun and we enjoy those moments but unless real romance reigns in every day interaction, these are just temporary baubles that will quickly fade. Perhaps my musings will encourage other wives to celebrate the mundane along with the majestic demonstrations of their husband's love. Remember and recapture the real romance in your marriage.

Right before our first Easter as a married couple, I found six beautiful tulips in the front seat of my car. Chuck, not only were you saying, I love you, but those tulips symbolized your joy in meeting Jesus a few days before Easter the year before. It's as though you were saying that you were committed to building our marriage on your relationship to Jesus. How safe I felt. Do you remember those tulips? I do.

I was the main breadwinner when we were first married so that you could finish college. You promised that as soon as you got a job, we would start a family and I could quit. Right after we moved into our first parsonage, you reminded me of that promise and soon we were expecting our first child. I was so sick with that pregnancy I couldn't stand the scent of any food or even wash dishes. When our pastor came to visit, I begged you not to bring him to our home because every counter was filled with dirty dishes. You said you would take care of it. I came downstairs and found a clean kitchen. You had put every dirty dish back in the cabinets - still dirty. After entertaining our guest, though we were very poor, you bought a portable dishwasher and took care of the mess. You said you hated washing dishes and didn't want me to have to wash them either. Do you remember? I do!

You brought a seminary friend home to have lunch with us and found me in tears. An older woman in the church had criticized you to me and I was undone. You marched across the street to the women's meeting in progress and told them that they were never to speak evil of you or the church to me again. You set the stage for appropriate conflict resolution in the church as well as how you expected them to treat me. Do you remember? I do.

One day you asked me how a doctor's appointment went. I started crying and said, "My doctor says I'm in a deep depression and need to get away from the church responsibilities. I told her that was impossible." You immediately cancelled all of our meetings, called the chairman of the board and told him you and I were taking off for a few days and you weren't sure when we would be back. Do you remember? I do.

Years later I left church, too distraught to stay. You found a ride home and a wife who couldn't stop crying. I felt unsafe and broken by the church conflict. You laid on the bed with me and told me to read a scripture passage out loud where Jesus told the waves to be still. I cried harder as you assured me that God was in control and that you would keep your promise that you would never put church business ahead of our family. You immediately called a pastoral search committee and asked to be considered for the position of pastor of a small church plant. You had previously told me you had no interest in starting over. But soon, we were embraced by the loving congregation of Glasgow Reformed Presbyterian Church, where you are still the pastor. Do you remember making those decisions through the grid of your love for me and our children? I do.

A year later we learned I had life-threatening breast cancer. Treatment for the disease ravaged my body and emotions yet I never felt more loved by you. As you left my hospital room one night, you heard a Code Blue called on my floor. Within minutes you returned to stay with me while doctors tried to save another patient's life. Another night you called me after going home and said, "I was listening to music on the radio and wanted you to listen to the same music because it makes me think about you." Do you remember? I do.

I learned early on that I have to be careful when I mention things I like or would like to have. Because before long, I know you will find a way to satisfy that desire. A few months ago I said I wanted to paint our colonial blue trim white. You responded, "Do you know how much work that will be? I thought blue was your favorite color. No, we're not painting." I never mentioned it again because I knew you were right. It was fine the way it was. A few weeks ago, you told me to pick out new paint for the sunroom and dining room. Do you remember all the times you've surprised me with such unexpected decisions? I do.

You go to work every day (for over forty years) to provide for your family. You regularly pay the bills and make sure our home and cars are maintained. You plow the garden even though you know that by mid-summer weeds will reign. At my request you add flower beds and bushes and encourage me to decorate our home the way I like. Do you realize how safe such care makes me feel? I do not take for granted your faithful love.

Every decision you have made throughout our marriage has centered on meeting the needs of our children and me. You bought a station wagon when I know you longed for a sports car. You sacrificed your own desires to provide a Christian education for our children. I cherish the memory of you wrestling on the floor with our children and backyard catches with the boys, teaching Mark how to kick a football and talking him through his times at bat. How you slept with Heidi after she came into our bedroom crying, unable to get the vision of a terrifying movie out of her head. The hours you spent chauffeuring the kids to music lessons and sports activities. I love how you split your work schedule so that you never missed a game or concert. How you just walking into a room filled with fear makes me feel safe. This is just a tiny list of the many ways your faithful love creates the fabric of our lives.

Now our adult children are creating homes that reflect the same faithful love. Our sons and son-in-law adore their wives and cherish their children. They work hard to provide for their families. They reflect their love for Christ in the way they approach every day tasks. I see your fingerprints all over their lives.

There is a faithfulness that is day in and day out. It's what happens in the mundane moments of life that creates a majestic legacy of faith.

How do I love thee, my husband? I cannot count the many ways. But know this, I am committed to loving you more every day so that the last season of our life is even more exciting than the first seasons.

I don't need Valentine's Day to say I love you. But I will take advantage of this opportunity to declare to anyone who reads this that I do.

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

Posted At : February 14, 2010 2:31 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

A friend described our community's enforced homebound status as "life's pause button." I love that concept! Historic snow falls in the northeast captured the nation's attention this past week. No sooner had we dug ourselves out of two feet of snow than the weather channel warned that another major blizzard would hit us four days later. One weatherman expressed the emotional reaction of many with a live meltdown. Click here to check it out. . .

Yes, this weather is a disaster for some as tree limbs and power lines crashed and caused power outages for thousands. God bless the snow plow drivers, EMT's and thousands of workers who struggled to keep our infra-structure working. And many are nursing aching backs and sore muscles from all the shoveling. A downside to a blizzard for sure. But somehow the reaction of many to the snow house arrest seems different than in previous years.

Chuck and I took advantage of the enforced hunkering down and finished home projects that have long cried for attention. I found old recipes and prepared comfort foods that I rarely serve because they take too much time. We enjoyed leisurely mornings in the sunroom, watching the snow fall and ravenous birds empty the birdfeeders. A new friend blessed us when he stopped by to dig out our sidewalk and finish the driveway. I've been wondering why this enforced "house arrest" feels different than previous snowbound days. I think I've found the answer.

God bless the technology of Facebook. Though physically disconnected, we enjoyed community and friendships as soon as our President described the coming blizzard as a snowcalypse. Friends and family started posting snow fall amounts, pictures outside their front doors, funny videos of attempts to build snowmen, navigate the deep snow, create igloos and stories of neighbors helping neighbors. Moms shared how they are coping with restless children (or not!), recipes for crock pot meals and snow ice cream, quiet moments with a good book, and the joy of a nap on a snowy day. Encouragement and joy is contagious and who could resist the fun and joy of so many happy reports? I bet many moms and dads pulled back their impatience and decided to create some fun memories with their children because a friend described their happy snow activities.

Laughter is contagious and unleashes all sorts of good endorphins. Enjoy that kind of emotional high when you laugh at this very funny original piece called "Snow on the Ground" by our friend, Michael Shannon. [NOTE: Must have Facebook account and be logged in to view.]

I love this snow blizzard pause button. We know that God will touch the "play" button and we'll have to jump back into normal life once more. In the meantime, let's enjoy this "pause that refreshes."

Keep sharing those fun stories, videos and pictures. You're encouraging me to soak up God's awesome creation in a new way.

And for all who have cabin fever and are desperate for spring, take hope from this beautiful video. [NOTE: Must have Facebook account and be logged in to view.]

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 25, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

A few years ago I wrapped up a speaking engagement by asking the women to turn to Psalm 30. Something supernatural happened as I began to read. I realized that God was keeping His promises to turn my weeping into joy.

My theme for the conference was Treasures in Darkness and throughout the weekend I had shared the story of our son, Mark's death and how I wrestled to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. I told the women that sometimes I think about our life pathway and wonder at how I am able to breathe, to live with eternal purpose and experience joy in the journey. I have to conclude that God is keeping His promise that before the foundation of the world was laid, He gave me everything I need to perform the good works He planned out for me to do in my lifetime. His definition of good works is so different than mine. Sometimes when I'm speaking I know that my words are foreign and outrageous to the listeners. It's only by the gift of faith that we can recognize His equipping and take steps toward fulfilling His plans for us.

In that supernatural moment during my speaking engagement a light went on in my soul and God seemed to quickly run a video of the many reasons for joy that I have in my life. Of course, my first snapshots were of my husband's faithful love, the walk of obedience in each of our children's lives, their marriages that reflect commitment to one another and biblical love and the joy of our grandchildren. I thought of the deep belly laughter that often filled our house when everyone gathered for family celebrations. Yes, we still had our private moments of our missing son, but our hands and hearts were open to receive the treasures God had designed to give us hope and help in the dark, secret places of our souls.

I exclaimed to the audience, "Next to verse 10, Here, O Lord and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help' I wrote and underlined the word "PLEASE!"

"And in the margin next to verses 11 and 12, 'You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever.' I wrote, 'When will you do this for my family?'"

I continued, "I well remember the anguish in my soul when I begged God for grief relief. And in this very moment, I can proclaim that God is keeping the promise of Psalm 30."

Now, lest you get the wrong idea, please know that sixteen years later, I long for Mark. I miss him so. But in those moments of deep anguish, there is a place of joy that I can go where grief relief waits. Grief set up residence on our home on July 6, 1993. But one day unbeknownst to us Joy slipped in and gently started pushing Grief off of center stage. Grief still resides in our home but Joy has taken up permanent residence as well. Sometimes Joy fades into the background when Grief demands our attention. But Joy always comes back.

Every December we join our church family to celebrate the most wonderful gift of all,Jesus. We expect moments of joy as we connect with our covenant family and believers all over the world through the grace gift of Communion, corporate worship and soul-lifting teaching from God's Word. We'll spend special time with our children and grandchildren, soaking up the joy that exudes from their hugs and giggles. We'll miss Mark and we'll cry for what we don't have. But by God's amazing grace, we will remember that He is keeping His promises to turn our wailing into dancing, to remove our sackcloth and clothe us with His mysterious joy. I do not take one minute of joy for granted.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:12b

In His Grip,
Sharon

Read more about Sharon's grief journey in Treasures in Darkness: A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart

Sign up for FREE Treasures of Encouragement that come right to your email box by using the Subscribe Option at the top left hand corner of this blog.

Posted At : December 23, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Today my friend, Chevonne Dorsey, better known as Bubbles to her friends, takes a few minutes to encourage us to soak in the truth of this statement: Jesus really is the reason for the season.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 22, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

One of the biggest stresses for a newly married couple is where they will spend the holidays. Barbie L'Italian shares how she is freeing her adult, married children to develop their own holiday traditions without giving up the core traditions of their family.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 18, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Legacy and passing on a heritage of faith are important themes in our family and church family. How can we instill traditions of mercy ministry into small children in a way that makes sharing what we have with others second nature?

In my book, Treasures of Encouragement: Women Helping Women in the Church I urge women to see the goal of biblical encouragement is not to fix another person's life but rather a means to help turn hearts toward the Lord. Such a view is freeing. We should not sell short any act of encouragement as too small or insignificant. We have no idea how God will use our acts of obedience as channels of His compassion that bring hope and help to a hurting heart.

What is it about a child that can touch a lonely person's heart in a way that brings them closer to God's love and presence? My friend, Emily Holcroft shares some of her family traditions that are not just reserved for Christmas mercy ministry but all year long. Listen as she describes some of the practical ways her children are learning that big mercy often arrives in tiny packages prepared by little hands.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 16, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Conflict,Christmas,Simply Christmas

Do you cry over the Hallmark Card commercials the way I do. The one that really gets to me is when the family is gathered around the piano and an little girl starts singing O Holy Night. A few words into the hymn and a soldier slips into the room, obviously the brother or son, surprising his family with a Christmas return. He joins his sister in singing the hymn. Oh my, I can't stand it!

But I wonder how many people watch these beautiful vignettes designed to evoke emotions that will drive us to find just the right card or purchase a gift that subconsciously guarantees a strong family feeling? Unfortunately, many people dread holiday family gatherings, knowing that conflict will reign as relatives unload hostility and hatred instead of love and peace to all.

Years ago I heard a speaker encourage us to accept that the father who always shows us drunk or the mother who slices and dices with her words will not submit to a twenty-four hour "cease fire" so that we can have a Hallmark Card Christmas. We have to accept that angry, broken people will probably be even angrier during the holidays. We should view them as "irregular people" and expect them to behave as they always do.

What is an irregular person? When I was a teenager my mother shopped at the Wilmington Dry Goods, a store that sold clothing with "irregular" stamped on the labels. She carefully inspected each purchase for ripped seams, holes, even measured sleeves to make sure they were the same length. She knew the clothing was not perfect, she expected to find flaws. She had seven children to clothe and the prices fit her budget. Imagine her delight when she found clothing that had minor flaws that weren't noticeable or hidden. So an irregular person is damaged. I think that definition includes every one of us. Each of us is an irregular person. Some of us are better at hiding our flaws than others. For those who display their irregularities with neon signs that annoy and hurt others, we must remember that but for the grace of God, there we are as well. We will experience more peace and joy in family gatherings if we won't expect them to change in order to give us a great Christmas

In her Considerable Grace blog, Tara Klena Barthel transparently shares her own struggle to overcome childhood conflict and genuinely love family members that once caused pain in her life. Tara is known for her passion for Peacemaking and is a well-known author and speaker. If you need help in knowing how to practically prepare for dealing with difficult people during your holiday celebrations check out her post, Family Conflicts and the Holidays http://networkedblogs.com/p18945743

For more encouragement from Tara, download (for free) her message to A Woman of Peace Amidst Holiday Strife, http://tarabarthel.com/resources.html#cds

May you prepare your hearts for family gatherings by reflecting deeply on the grace God has extended to you.

In His grip,

Sharon

Posted At : December 14, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Today a young woman shares how her parents are teaching their children the beauty of celebrating Christmas throughout the month of December. It's not too late for you to start this family tradition, too.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 13, 2009 12:02 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Domestic Violence,Simply Christmas

Statistics show that domestic violence rises during the Christmas season. The additional stress of financial pressures, difficult family relationships, alcohol and uncontrolled tempers create a pressure cooker for an already fragile family environment. Unfortunately, church families are not exempt from this betrayal of human relationships. More than one woman has shared her terrible story of hidden beatings, verbal abuse and emotional trauma perpetrated by her husband who is a church leader. You may be that woman or you may be the friend or sibling of such a woman.

Breaking out of such a relationship is difficult at best, almost impossible for some women at worst. Fear of the unknown, shame, humiliation and terror over future beatings imprisons broken women. This article, When Domestic Violence Knocks posted by Christianity Today is written by Lou Reed. He has 25 years of pastoral experience, most recently at West Side Baptist Church in Hollywood, Florida. He is also a former supervisor for the City of Miami Beach Police Department's domestic violence unit and an adjunct professor at Trinity International University in Davie, Florida.

The article was addressed to pastors but gave me a lot to consider in my own response to abused women. I recommend it as a resource to help women's ministry teams discuss how they can partner with their pastor in helping abused women find freedom and safety in Christ. It's also a good resource for pastors and elders.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on his counsel.

Read When Domestic Violence Knocks.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 12, 2009 1:58 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Simply Christmas,Gossip

A friend and I caught up while her children stood nearby. She mentioned how much she loved the leadership of an organization we both supported. I hesitated and then said, "You haven't heard?" My friend's children perked up when their mother responded, "Oh please, nothing bad has happened, has it?" Something (perhaps Someone) said to my spirit, "Sharon, don't do it!" But I ignored that warning and using code words informed my friend of damaging information, rationalizing that what I said was public so I wasn't gossiping. I finished my report with the words, "Please just really pray for everyone."

As the God-side of me stood silently, the flesh side argued, "I haven't done anything wrong. It was public, she would have found out eventually."

By the time I arrived at home, I had asked God to forgive me for not only sharing negative information about another person but my horrible example to these covenant children and their young mother. I hoped that my coded message did not filter into their minds and hearts. I emailed an apology to my friend and asked her to forgive me. It may have been ok for someone else to tell her the public details, but I knew God wanted me to be quiet. One of my "bucket list" goals for 2009 has been to think the best and refuse to believe the worst without absolute evidence of wrong-doing. I want this kind of thinking to be second nature rather than a struggle. God used this conversation to take me to a deeper level in making myself a safe place for the struggles and secrets of friends and family. I'm hoping my friend will recognize my heart for protecting her as well.

I remembered this lesson when I read a blog by Karen Casey Arneson called Cannibals in Christendom. You might wonder what this topic has to do with simplifying Christmas. Stress from holiday preparation can weaken our resolve to reflect Christ in our conversations and interaction with friends, co-workers and family members. Let Karen's comments sink into your soul and ask God to use them to equip you for opportunities to protect the integrity of your relationships. Applying these truths will help keep the channels of your heart cleansed so that you are more aware of the way the birth of Jesus redeems our sinful hearts and gives us a taste for sweet, pure conversations instead of the rotten stench of gossip.

Cannibals in Christendom by Karen Casey Arneson
November 13, 2009
I come from a long line of cannibals. My ancestors loved to chew up (and sometimes spit out) people. Mine was a particularly heinous group that made no distinction between "them" and "us." Members of our own family were just as likely to fall victim as were others. Imagine the tensions that arose when we gathered--each one wondering who might be served up next. In their defense, my family lived in darkness. Then, the frigid winter I turned 10, one brilliant, fiery flame warmed within me the hope of a different way of living--of turning away from snarling, biting, and chewing to embracing others. I became like Edward Cullen of Twilight fame, recognizing my evil heritage, engaged in a struggle with the nature of my flesh.

Unfortunately, the flame was quenched that had begun to glow within me. With no one to add the kindling of truth to the sputtering spark within, the ember grew cold. Broken bonds, wicked words, and shattered souls littered the path of my life, until one day it all became more than I could bear alone. Tired and out of fight, I found myself knocking on the door of Christendom. Surely I would find refuge there! http://blog.kyria.com/giftedforleadership/2009/11/cannibals_in_christendom.html

In His grip,

Sharon

Don't forget to order Chuck's new book, Harlots and Heroines, The Midwives of the Messiah. Special discount codes - HHGIFTSET, 20% off the gift set and HHBOOK - 30% off the book.

Posted At : December 11, 2009 12:43 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Marriage,Simply Christmas

When Chuck and I were first married I subscribed to a magazine called, Marriage Partnership. I loved being married and wanted to know every practical way I could demonstrate how much I loved my husband. Now you can pick up some of those practical ideas by visiting the website of http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/

And in keeping with our Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement theme, take a few minutes to read this article on their site: Downscaling Christmas.

I'd love to hear your ideas for simplifying Christmas. How do you do it?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 10, 2009 1:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

When I was a young mother I loved hearing practical ideas for organizing my overwhelming, over-scheduled, over-stimulated life, especially tips for thriving in the message of Christmas rather than just surviving the holidays.

In keeping with our local church's Christmas TEA theme for 2009, Simply Christmas, my friend, Erin Worden, shares how she intentionally plans so that her family more than survives the holidays. Even if you're not a young mom, let this young woman's suggestions encourage you to take a step back and simplify Christmas in your home.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : December 8, 2009 1:45 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

Between now and the end of December, these blog posts will encourage you to focus on "simply Christmas." Most of the posts will take just a few minutes to read or view but hopefully the message of God's amazing grace will help equip, energize and encourage you to reflect the presence of Jesus as you interact with others during this holiday season.

You can receive these FREE treasures of encouragement by using the Subscribe option located on the top left hand corner of the blog.

Along with practical tips on organizing your inner life and daily responsibilities, my main focus will be on keeping our hearts fixed on Jesus. My first exhortation to myself is: Keep it Simple, Sister! I don't want to just survive the holidays. I want to thrive and soak in the priceless gift that keeps on giving. Please add your comments on how you keep Christmas simple or your commitment to Simply Christmas. When I was a young teenager, my very talented, artistic mother coached me in a Christmas talent contest. Because I trusted her artistic savvy, I willingly learned the song, All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth. That night, right before I was to perform, she handed me already been chewed licorice gum and told me to put it on my two front teeth Then she instructed me to sing with my top lip covering my top teeth until the very end. She told me to hold out the last note of the song, and then to slowly break into a wide smile, so that the audience could see the blacked out two front teeth. My performance was a hit!

But the song begs the question, what do you want for Christmas? If you could have one thing, what would it be? When I was a little girl, all I wanted was what I called a big doll. It was a soft bodied doll that was as big as a baby. Every night I lay in my bed, searched for the first evening star and whisper, "Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight, Wish I may, Wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight." Then I added, please bring me a big doll for Christmas. My big gift that year was my longed for doll. I couldn't wait to take my doll to school and introduce it to my second-grade friends. My teacher recommended that I leave it inside at recess time but I couldn't part with it one minute. I learned a hard lesson about listening to teachers that day. One of our favorite playground games was when the girls held hands to form a circle and the person in the middle tried to fun through the clasped hands. My girlfriend and I held the hands of my doll. I guess I believed that no one would be mean enough to try to run through my doll's hands. I didn't bank on a boy in the middle. As soon as I recognized his plan, I held tighter to my doll's hand. Silly me, why didn't I let it go? Within seconds, my precious gift broke as my classmate rammed through the circle's weakest link and my doll's arm tore away from its body.

Now the question is bigger than "What do you want for Christmas." The real question becomes, "What one gift do you want for Christmas that cannot be broken?" Let's go back in time and visit with a young woman who received the very first Christmas gift, a baby boy. Thirty- three years later, soldiers would break this priceless gift right in front of the young woman's eyes. Her precious son, broken beyond repair, or so it appeared. And yet, God would give her back the perfect gift...a gift that keeps on giving to us today.

When we meet Mary, the teenage mother of Jesus, we understand that life was good for this young woman. She planned to marry a man who loved her and shared her faith in Jehovah. In an instant, God turned her plans upside down. An angel told her that though she was a virgin, she was pregnant and would give birth to the very son of God. We know that Mary was frightened because God's messenger exhorted her, "Do not be afraid."

Mary's response to these events stuns and convicts me every time I read it, "I am the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:36)

Mary's Song, or The Magnificat as many call it, gives us insight into how Mary was able to respond to God's plans for her life with such sweet submission. Mary's world view is clear. In the first line she proclaims the driving force behind her actions and her own need for a Savior. Then she describes an utmost confidence in the character and promises of the Father of her son.

The Magnificat

"My soul (pseuche - emotional center/ will, intellect - all of me) glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.
(He knows my sinful heart...) From now on all generations will call me blessed,
For the Mighty One has done great things for me - holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, even as he
said to our fathers. (My God is a promise-keeping God.) Luke 1:46-56

From Mary I learn that my circumstances make up my platform for glorifying God. Mary's response to God's pathway for her, teaches me that God is sovereign and I can trust Him. So I ask again, What is the one gift you want for Christmas that cannot be broken?

In the meantime, I urge you to open up God's Christmas Catalog, His Word, where He showcases His gift of grace on every page. Meditate on Mary's story and open your heart and hands to receive the assurance that the picture of her life demonstrates, God is sovereign and we can trust Him.

What priceless gift does Mary represent to you?

In His Grip,
Sharon

For more on Mary, check out Chuck's new book, Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah. He gets inside the skin of five women on the pathway to our Messiah and some of his insights may surprise you. Order before December 31 and receive a 30% discount with Code HHBOOK. Use Discount Code HHGIFT for a 20% discount on the book and our son, Chuck's piano CD, My Heart's Cry.

Posted At : December 4, 2009 1:29 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Simply Christmas

The theme of our annual Christmas TEA, one of our most beloved traditions at Glasgow Church, was Simply Christmas. Our team transformed our Family Life Center into a candle-lit, warm inviting room, wreathed with hundreds of gorgeous poinsettias. Over 400 women attended, many of the guests were little girls and teens. We laughed at old movie clips that captured the stresses of Christmas and some of us cried a few tears as God's Word touched the soft spots of our hearts. I'm so glad for the reminder to simplify Christmas so that I will soak up the most perfect Christmas gift of all, my Savior, Jesus.

This morning I began reading Chuck's new book, Harlots of Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah, as one means to start each day in December with the meat of God's Word, I was struck with this quote:

A wounded widow...a professional prostitute...an indomitable immigrant, a bathing beauty...a terrified teenager. What do these five women have in common? They were all an integral part of the plan God made in eternity past to come to this earth as a man.....These women were God's conduits of love and the chosen instruments of the Incarnation who brought "Joy to the World." Their chorus of pain, loss and eventual redemption gave voice of the Angelic Host who brought the very first Christmas Carol to the hills outside of Bethlehem. God condescended in Grace to use these five mangled masses of frightened and scarred humanity to become the Midwives of the Messiah!

Perhaps one of the most important truths for me as I walk the pathway God has marked out for my family, is that God cannot lie. He does not forget His children. He keeps His promises. I think the reason I'm so taken with these five women is because not one of them, except perhaps Mary, realized how critical they were in God's eternal plan to produce the Messiah from their bodies. I remember how comforted I was when I first saw the scarlet cord of God's redemption plan that tied these women together. God was always at work behind the scenes, never thwarted by the sins of men or the betrayal or seeming lostness of these women. Their stories give me such comfort but they always deepen my appreciation for God's faithful love demonstrated by the baby boy in the manger.

Simply Christmas. Is that your goal? Over the next few weeks I'll be sharing more thoughts on how God is opening my heart to the simplicity of His redemption plan. You can receive these FREE treasures of encouragement by subscribing to my blog in the left menu.

Simply Christmas. I hope you'll share some of your thoughts on simplifying Christmas in the comments section as well.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 29, 2009 7:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Christmas,Encouragement,Simply Christmas

Thanksgiving in America is over. Christmas is a few weeks away. Let the games begin! Does your to do list include simplifying your days so that you can focus on the "real meaning of Christmas?"

If so, subscribe to this blog right now and you'll receive in your email box FREE frequent, brief treasures of encouragement that will help you simplify Christmas so that you don't miss the spiritual richness of this moment in time that forever changed our world. The FREE subscription option is located at the top left hand corner of this blog. Be sure to confirm your subscription once the confirmation email reaches your Inbox.

Last year I posted Twelve Days of Christmas Grief Relief with hopes that my thoughts might encourage grieving families as they tried to find a new normal without their loved ones during the holidays. If you or a friend is struggling with how to find meaning in this "most wonderful time of the year" when your heart is breaking, I urge you to check out those posts.

This year, I'm focusing on Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement. Each post will be a brief devotional that encourages readers to think through how they will reflect Christ as they prepare for Christmas. Along with some of my personal musings, I'll share some links to online resources that have helped me grow as well as some video clips from our annual Christmas TEA where women share how they are striving to simplify Christmas.

The posts will officially start on December 8. Help me spread the word about these posts by forwarding this blog post to friends and family with an invitation to subscribe. Remember, it's FREE encouragement!

Don't forget to place your order for Chuck's new book, Harlots and Heroines, The Midwives of the Messiah. And here's a secret. Use HHGIFTSET for a 20% discount on the gift set that includes an autographed copy of the book and our son, Chuck's solo piano CD, My Heart's Cry. Or, use HHBOOK for a 30% discount on just the book. The discount applies to as many books or gift sets that you want. The code is case sensitive and the discount ends December 31.

If your heart resonates with the goal of keeping Christmas simple, I hope you'll share your ideas in the comment section of the blog posts. Let's help each other to think, Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 25, 2009 1:54 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Christmas,Encouragement

"I hate Christmas. I wish I could skip over to the end of January and be done with it. I don't put up decorations and I refuse to listen to the music. It's just too hard to face without my child." My friend's words took me back to Christmas, 1993. Our first Christmas without our son, Mark. Oh, the anguish.

Before that awful year, I loved Christmas. I looked forward to after Christmas sales and started thinking about the best gift for each child months before the event. I baked more cookies than anyone could eat and we always had a big Christmas Eve Open House before the Communion service. The more people, the better. And those were the days I wouldn't let anyone bring anything - this was my thank you to all of our friends and family. We always invited hurting people, too. Of course, I drove my children and husband a little nutty but that's a confession for another time.

On July 6, 1993, that horrible night on our way home from the hospital, Chuck grabbed my hand and whispered, "Christmas, what will do about Christmas?" The reality of life without Mark was already slamming into our hearts. We knew that this most precious season of the year would never hold the same anticipation or joy of previous family gatherings. There would always be an empty seat. How, how, how would we face that empty place?

A few days ago, I played Christmas music while I cleaned. One of my tricks to easing into the holidays. As I dusted I heard the haunting rendition of The Little Drummer Boy. Mark was a drummer and this song is now his song. That first Christmas without him I imagined his first Christmas in heaven, playing his drums for Jesus. I look for a different drummer boy Christmas decoration every year. Hmm, I thought as the music played, I can hear this song without tears. I must be getting a little better. I thought once more of Mark in heaven, and wondered what he is doing right now. I imagined all of heaven preparing for Christmas! What must it be like to worship perfectly? To have no selfish motives in offering our gifts and talents to our King. I imagined our son welcoming friends we've "lost" this past year and connecting with the children of bereaved parents who have reached out to us in their fresh sorrow. What must it be like? Are they laughing with joy that their parents are choosing to trust God in their sorrow? Are they part of that great cloud of witnesses, cheering us on, urging us to faith, to reflect the joy of knowing Christ, even in the darkness?

Yes, my friend's sad, angry words were my words for many years. And I admit, there are moments that I still dread Christmas. I've never recaptured that fun anticipation. Some days I want to run away to a warm place and pretend Christmas is over. But then I remember those early years and how Christmas forced me to meditate on that first Holy Night. How my heart resonated with the heart of Mary's, the mother of Jesus. And how a light of understanding slowly glowed brighter and brighter as I began to reflect on God's gift of His Son for sinners like me. Of all the ways God could choose to demonstrate His love for us, He chose the parent/child relationship. What tighter, more intimate connection is there between a parent and child (when that parent loves as God designed)? What greater ripping is there for a human being than to have their child forcefully taken from their arms? Studies have shown that the worst crisis human beings can experience is the sudden loss of their children. It is no mistake that God keys in on this truth when He sacrifices His Son for His adopted children.

When I question God's love for me and how He could put me on this pathway, Christmas reminds me that the One Who gave me Jesus sent this dark place my way. I do not understand why, but I do understand He gave what I would never willingly give. He gave His Son to people who didn't want Him. What greater love is there?

And so, I miss Mark. And after my moments of rejoicing that I could hear The Little Drummer Boy without crying, the tears starting flowing. Oh, how I miss my child. Many of my sweet friends are experiencing deep, deep grief this season. And so this is for you, my dear friends. You are so fresh in your sorrow - even those of you who are seven years into the journey. I know this because I've been in that place.

Your heart will always long for your child. A piece of you will never be satisfied without him or her. But hear me on this. That's a good thing. Let that broken place drive you to the manger and carry you to the Cross. Get inside the Father's heart as you look at that little boy, our brother, Jesus, sent to die for the sins of His brothers and sisters.

Do not apologize for your tears but also give yourself permission to experience moments of joy. Look for the treasures that He will send your way, open your hands to receive the gifts He has designed to help turn your heart toward Him, to remind you that He is the Lord your God, the One Who calls you by name.

I am a credible witness of His faithfulness. God is sovereign and you can trust Him. I'm praying for you to experience Christmas Presence this year. His presence.

Don't forget to subscribe to the RSS feed by clicking on the link in the left menu. This will sign you up for receiving blog posts via email as soon as they are posted.

In His Grip,
Sharon

For more on Sharon's Christmas thoughts, order Treasures in Darkness: A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart.

Posted At : November 20, 2009 12:28 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

A wounded widow, a professional prostitute, an indomitable immigrant, a bathing beauty, a terrified teenager: Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah. When Chuck told me about his idea for this sermon series and book, I questioned how it would be different from the many other resources about women of the Bible. As a women's ministry leader and Bible study teacher, I had studied and taught the lives of Bible women on numerous occasions. Even the evil ones became spiritual mothers in my own life journey and I eagerly gleaned every life lesson their behaviors revealed. I even developed my own message about the women in the genealogy of Jesus. I thought I knew the five girls pretty well. What more could they teach me?

As Chuck unpacked the scriptural context of each woman, God reminded me that His Word is living and that I will never get to the bottom of His truth. Once more these women called back to me from their perch in heaven and gave me deep theological treasures that encouraged me to remember that God is sovereign and I can trust Him. And oh, how I need that reminder.

On July 6, 1993, our sixteen-year-old son, Mark and his friend, Kelly, died in a car accident. In death's aftermath, I struggled long and hard to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. Fourteen years after Mark's death the messages Chuck preached on the midwives of our Messiah reminded me that God will keep every promise, that He IS keeping His promises, even when it seems He isn't.

Each woman in this genealogy faced insurmountable odds that would have disqualified her from most jobs in any church. Yet in this story of redemption we see God transform the scars of emotional abuse, prostitution, murder, death, lying, widowhood, begging and an out of wedlock pregnancy into glory. Unbeknownst to them, these women are on the pathway to the birth of our Messiah. Where we might see darkness God reveals His faithful love when He used the lives of these women to ensure that our Messiah would come at just the right moment and be born into the exact family prepared for Him by His Father. Their seeming disqualifications to be in the genealogy of Jesus actually become sources of great hope to broken people like me. Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah is a book about our spiritual mothers. They are waiting for us in heaven and as they wait, they call back, "Dear Daughters, study our lives and you will see that God is sovereign and you can trust Him, too." Thank you, Tamar, Rahab, Bathsheba, Ruth and Mary from one of your daughters.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Special Offer: Order your copy of Harlots and Heroines: The Midwives of the Messiah in time for Christmas giving.

Posted At : November 14, 2009 12:47 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

Man Up! That's the title of Chuck's current sermon series. The men in our congregation are listening carefully as the words of the Apostle Paul to young Timothy take on current day application (2 Timothy). Though the subject is men, women are also listening and the scriptural truths for men are just as important for us. Yet, it's tempting for women in the congregation to poke their husbands in the ribs when a specific truth seems to be just for her man.

At the end of Sunday's message, Chuck switched gears and spoke to women. In the sermon he had described a special relationship with an elderly woman in our second church. Chuck and I were both about twenty-five years old when he was appointed as pastor of Logan United Methodist Church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Yes, we were babies trying to do a grown up job! And this was our second church assignment. He took on the job of pastor in our first dying city church when he was twenty-one years old. He had been a Christian for one year. Chuck often calls those early years in ministry our school master. Yes, we were babies!

After our first Sunday in our second dying city church, Chuck came home and cried. This was not what he signed up for. Where to begin? We had about thirty people, all over 70 (or so it seemed) in a huge stone church building. We had been told that the music ministry was strong. We learned that day that the music ministry consisted of a great organist playing a majestic pipe organ, a choir director and three very elderly people in the choir. No children and no outreach. One of the leaders told Chuck that our new church was three dying churches that had merged and the hearse was backed up to the door. Until Chuck arrived - no pressure, though.

We would have done almost anything to have at least two other well-grounded young people to help build God's kingdom in this dying city. Early on God gave Chuck Mrs. D. Margaret Kelley. She was an elderly, almost blind woman who saw her calling as a prayer warrior for Chuck. He has many stories about Mrs. Kelley (you can hear one of them in his message, Do You Have a Gangrene Mouth? But his most coveted memory is that she encouraged him as a young, inexperienced pastor and she prayed for him.

At the end of Sunday's message Chuck asked us, the women: "Are you praying for your men? I don't mean superficial stuff, I mean real, heart, gut-wrenching praying? Are you taking your men to God through prayer and pleading with Him to strengthen and guide the men in your life? Are you praying for the leadership of your church? Are you a Mrs. Kelley or are you the woman who finds fault and has a critical spirit and has nothing but negative words? Encourage your men with prayer."

Over the past few years we have lost some of our most precious prayer warriors, men and women who took on the burden of praying for Chuck and our sons as they worked in full-time ministry. When they died, I felt a hole in our spiritual covering and asked God to burden others with the need to pray for their spiritual leaders. I am confident God has people praying for us daily or we would not be able to function in His work.

Over the years I have not always known how to pray. My desires may not have been God's and so instead of praying my words, I have prayed scripture, specific scriptures for the members of my family, for our church leadership, and for friends. I personalize the scripture:

And this is my prayer for Chuck: that his love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that he may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ filled with the fruit of righteousness, that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11.

I pray Psalm 112 for our sons and grandsons and Proverbs 31:10 - 31 for our daughters and granddaughters. I prayed Psalm 121 for our granddaughter, Siddhi, as we waited for God to bring her to us from India. I included my niece, Elizabeth, as she served God abroad in a third-world country. I continue to pray Psalm 121 for our grandson, Cori, who is in the Navy. Psalm 122 is my prayer for our local church and leadership.

When I pray scripture for those I love, my own agenda melts away and God opens my hands to receive His will. I think that this is one means He shapes our desires into His desires.

Are you praying for your men? Even if you're not married, there are men in your life who need you to pray - fathers, brothers, church leaders, pastors. Women, are you praying?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : November 9, 2009 1:21 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Forgiveness,Encouragement

The bad report about a friend stunned me. Without hesitation, I believed it. Anger, sadness, disappointment. All of those emotions followed me around the house as I prepared for a busy day of running errands and catching up on undone tasks. I threw my purse and library books into the car, made sure I had my to do list and started to back out of the driveway.

That morning I had studied Psalm 32 and 33 and was struck by a picture of God's love resting on me and surrounding me. I had committed to viewing the circumstances of that day through the grid of God's surrounding love. I was eager to see how practical the presence of God's love would be in every day details. Frankly, I was looking forward to a warm, fuzzy intimacy with Him, maybe a parking space in the crowded mall, a great price for a purchase...you know, fun things. God had another agenda.

Before I turned onto our street, something other worldly happened. I heard a voice or a thought, not sure exactly, "Sharon, my love rests on you. My love surrounds you. How will that truth change the way you respond to this bad report?"

Yes, God had another agenda. My first opportunity to choose God's way, not mine. Was my friend guilty as charged? What was the evidence? Another person's words? What was the "reporter's" agenda? Before you rebuke me for listening to gossip, the "reporter" wasn't gossiping. Trust me on that. Another scripture came to mind:

The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him. Proverbs 18:17

For forty years I've been a pastor's wife and I'm confident that many bad reports have been shared about my husband's ministry. And I'm sure that many are the words spoken about my own fallacies and mis-steps. I've always hoped that when those reports are given that the hearer would step back and think, "I won't believe this until I see the evidence." At the least I hoped for an opportunity to give our side of the story or explain our behavior or even ask forgiveness for hurting another and righting the wrong. I hoped for mercy and compassion.

Yet in those first moments after hearing the bad report about my friend, I did none of those things. I jumped to judgment.

God's love surrounded me in those moments because He used the bad report as spiritual sandpaper to reveal my own dark heart. How many times have I believed a bad report about another person, with no thought for how hurt she or he would be if they knew I did not believe the best (1 Corinthians 13)? How many times has an unsubstantiated bad report unfairly influenced my relationship with another person? How many opportunities to share hope and help in Jesus have I missed because I pre-judged another woman? How often do I treat such reports with a casualness that diminishes the value of the other person's life?

I should know better. James tells me (and I've taught it so many times) that the tongue is a fire that fills the body with great evil. He gives me hope in that he declares none of us can tame it, that we will stumble. But he also warns me to beware of this great potential for evil and that only by God's grace can we find any victory over our tongues. I felt such guilt over my initial reaction. What to do? Repent and choose to believe the best. Fortunately I had not repeated this bad report to anyone else.

You may wonder if the initial bad report was true. For this discussion, it doesn't matter. What matters is that in that moment God's love gave me a choice: automatically believe the worst or choose to withhold judgment until all the evidence is in.

That's how I hope others will treat me. And I know that's how my friends hope I will protect them. God's love surrounds me whether I treat others with compassion or not. And sometimes that love is the voice of discipline as my Father takes my face in His hands and rebukes me for choosing evil over His righteousness. May God (and my friends) have mercy on me as I continue to learn what it means to be His daughter.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 9, 2009 12:01 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief,Encouragement

I laid in bed this morning thinking through the next week and tried to determine how to fulfill all the tasks on my to do list. To accomplish my goals, I had to stay focused on my responsibilities. God smiled at my thoughts for He had other plans.

My wonderful husband Chuck asked me where all of our old pictures are. He had read something online about the need to preserve them. Because of our life journey, our old pictures are priceless. We lose them, we lose many evidences of our son, Mark. Browse the walls of our home and you will see many family pictures that record our lives. At some point, you might notice that after July, 1993, one person is absent, and that Mark is frozen in time as a sixteen-year-old boy. Every picture of him is a treasure. Sometimes I wish I could put out a notice to all of his high school friends that if they find pictures of Mark in their elementary and high school memorabilia that instead of throwing them out, would they please send them to us.

But I digress from my original thoughts. Chuck didn't know that a few years ago, when our daughter was into scrapbooking, I organized all of our old pictures by child and topic. Since my desk is always a picture of chaos, I was proud to inform him that I had all the old pictures safely stowed in boxes in my office closet. I pulled out the crates and called down, "Chuck, if you want to be overwhelmed, here they are."

I couldn't resist. Old albums that pre-dated our marriage drew me in. Along with old pictures that reminded us of our dating years and engagement, were ticket stubs from every University of Delaware football game we attended. Dried flowers and our wedding invitation took us back forty years to a season of innocence and anticipation of how we were going to change the world for Jesus.

The clock was ticking and nothing on my to do list could be erased. But still I pulled out pictures. Chuck went downstairs to look for more albums as I rummaged through boxes of Mark's belongings, carefully packed away over fifteen years ago. I found a metal box, labeled "My Stuff." In it was a silver bangle bracelet. Another time I will share the significance of this treasure of encouragement. I caressed the pirate bandana Mark wore with his raggedy jeans and leather boots and tried to recapture his scent, long gone. A treasure trove of pictures of Mark's growing up years broke the walls of emotion that I usually successfully hold in check. I whispered, "This isn't right. None of this is right. I want my son now. What would he be like as a grown up, a husband, a dad? What about his kids, our grandchildren? Oh, Jesus, help me trust you and thank you for the life we had with Mark rather than stay in my buried grief."

Instead of gratitude for the sixteen years, all I could see was loss. God answered by reminding me of the little hymn written by J.B. F. Wright in 1877. It's the same song He placed in my heart during our Cousins Camp last week as I observed our grandkids making memories that will last a lifetime. And today this little song is God's treasure of encouragement, written and designed by Him over 100 years ago as a treasure just for me. Instead of staying in my sorrow today, may I open my hands and heart to this gift sent to turn my heart toward my Father. May I rest in God's sovereign plan for our lives as well as Mark's. And may any grieving sister reading this take hope and courage from her precious memories as well.

Precious Mem'ries by J. B. F. Wright

Precious mem'ries, unseen angels Sent from somewhere to my soul How they linger, ever near me And the sacred past unfold.

Precious father, loving mother Fly across the lonely years And old home scenes of my childhood In fond memory appear.

In the stillness of the midnight Echoes from the past I hear Old-time singing, gladness bringing From that lovely land somewhere.

I remember mother praying Father, too, on bended knee Sun is sinking, shadows falling But their pray'rs still follow me.

As I travel on life's pathway Know not what the years may hold As I ponder, hope grows fonder Precious mem'ries flood my soul.

CHORUS:
Precious mem'ries, how they linger How they ever flood my soul In the stillness of the midnight Precious, sacred scenes unfold.

And now, I MUST tackle that to do list!
In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 9, 2009 12:43 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Encouragement

God sent me a treasure of encouragement this morning, a gift designed to turn my heart toward Him and I am still stunned by its simplicity and potential for transforming this day from the mundane into the majestic.

The means by which He delivered this treasure reminded me of the priceless gift of covenant community experienced when God's women gather. Last night I enjoyed meeting with our small group that is studying Psalms. I soaked up the words and insights of my sisters as our leader guided us deeper into the truths of Psalm 32. We were daughters of the King enjoying a family gathering as we considered this "letter" from our Father. What difference would this study of confession and repentance make in our lives?

This morning I began working through our next assignment, Psalm 33. I picked apart the first few verses: Sing joyfully to the Lord, Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to Him, Sing to him a new song; play SKILLFULLY; SHOUT for joy.

The rest of the passage declared multiple reasons for me to joyfully proclaim with music, my words and my life, the goodness and unfailing love of God.

And there it was. That treasure of encouragement that helped turn my heart toward Him in a new way. "May your unfailing love REST upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. (Psalm 33:22)." I turned back to Psalm 32:10 and read, "Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love SURROUNDS the man who trusts in him." God's love RESTS on me; SURROUNDS me.

Have you ever watched the colors of a sunset spread out like a can of spilled paint? In that moment this morning, that's how God's love looked to me. In my mind I pictured a bucket of God's deep, pulsating passion for me, His daughter, resting on my head. And then with a smile, in a surprising move, He tipped it over and covered me, surrounded me with love that is unfailing, steadfast.

How do I take this moment into my day, I thought. I pictured the waiting tasks: a doctor's visit, errands, time with some of our grandkids, laundry, cleaning, preparing a meal for a friend. I started imagining how an intentional recognition of God's surrounding love could impact my response to the needs of the day, my interaction with cashiers and the doctor's staff, and our grandchildren or unexpected phone calls or emails. How could this treasure of encouragement from God Himself make me more like Jesus in my response to others?

My day looks different than it did a few hours ago because I'm more aware that God's love rests on me and surrounds me. I plan to look for evidence of that love wherever I go. I have a feeling I may be challenged with difficult circumstances, perhaps an irritating person, or a disappointment - only God knows (Psalm 33 reminds me of His sovereignty and that He considers everything I do). But this treasure of encouragement is equipping, enabling me and exhorting me to look for His love in those challenges. And then to display that love no matter what.

I have a feeling that God may be giving this same treasure to someone reading these words. If so, it's exactly what you need to help turn your heart toward Him. Are you His child? His love rests on you! His love surrounds you! May the adventure of seeing and experiencing that love begin right now!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : October 5, 2009 9:49 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Legacy

Two little girls opened wide the front door and warmly welcomed us to Journey, one of our church's means of making a big church small. Noise and chaos filled the house along with scents of comfort foods shared at the potluck supper. Children were everywhere!

The Journey leader gathered adults and children into the family room. Though we like to say there's always room for one more, well, there wasn't a chair or much floor space left. Our host explained that we would sing a few songs, take turns reading a Psalm and then the children would leave for their special worship time while the adults discussed the morning message. Some of the children immediately waved their hands, hoping to be chosen to read one verse of the Psalm. As we turned in our Bibles, the leader encouraged us to be ready to thank God for one blessing as we prayed sentence prayers after the Psalm reading. Emotion welled up inside of me as I listened to the children read, some experienced readers and some bravely trying out their new reading skills. And then the prayers - one right after the other from the mouths of these precious children: Thank you God for my Sunday School teachers; thank you for dying on the cross; thank you for being with us. . . Then two adults took over twenty-five children into another room to share Bible truths with them. As the adults discussed the morning message, there was little noise coming from the children's room. These parents are doing something right in teaching their kids how to respond to such teaching moments.

Journey gathering reminded me of the promise God made to Abraham so many years ago. Chuck often says that God took this elderly, childless man for a walk under the stars. He pointed out the vast universe and proclaimed that one day Abraham's family would outnumber the stars in the sky. As if that wasn't enough, God pointed to the sand on the beach and exclaimed that Abraham's family would outnumber the grains of sand. It's hard to get our hands around these numbers but every time the children of God gather, it's fulfillment of God's promise to Abraham. God continues to keep that promise and last night Chuck and I had the privilege of seeing the physical evidence in our own little world once more.

Oh, these precious, precious children. The memories they are building as they gather each week with their extended covenant family will sear into their hearts a sense of belonging and family that we hope will keep drawing them back to their spiritual legacy. They may not remember all the Bible stories or verses that their parents use in the children's worship time. But God is using all their senses to imprint the value of their spiritual family on their little hearts. I believe many of them will embrace such covenant family time as non-negotiable, as important in their lives as eating.

This week I carry the picture of little girls and boys experiencing grace as covenant families gather with hopes of being equipped, energized and encouraged for their own life journeys. What I experienced encourages me to keep on keeping on. I'm looking forward to Journey next week. How about you? Where is your Journey taking you?

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : August 29, 2009 12:10 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

"There are some wounds only heaven can heal. In the meantime we keep walking in obedience, trusting God to keep His promises, either here or There, believing He has already equipped us for the pathway He has marked out for us, trusting He will give us what we need for each second, moment, hour Lord, show yourself in a mighty way to those who need a special treasure today".

I posted this as my Facebook Status a few days ago and several friends commented privately that they were the ones who needed that special evidence of God's presence in their own lives. They admitted their loss is not through physical death but rather loss of their childhood through horrible abuse, loss of a spouse through betrayal, loss of a friendship and loss of joy through dark, unexplainable depression. Each one longs for God to reveal Himself in a tangible way. And oh, how I long for that touch myself.

Grief comes in all different sizes. Grief grabbed our church family this past summer in a way that changed life perspectives and the way many view their own children and life purposes. Eleven-year-old Ashley Van Wingerden died in a boating accident. Her sweet, young, godly parents and three siblings, her grandparents and hundreds of extended family members struggle to grasp the "why" of death. Their friends agonize throughout the night and day, praying for God to be near, knowing that grief will shadow them for the rest of their lives. Godly parents hover over their children and hold them tighter, realizing that only by God's grace do their children sleep safely in their beds each night.

Every bereaved parent knows that Jake and Wendy's forced entry into the foreign Land of Grief has catapulted them out of their once perfect world into anguish and sorrow that cannot be defined or adequately uttered. Chuck and I recognize their empty yet desperate gaze, the confusion, the intense grief labor required to scratch your way into a new level of normal - a life without their child. In an effort to find a message of hope for these precious parents, God led me back to my first journal after Mark's death. Five weeks after his death my scribbled, barely discernable handwriting reveals my unstable emotional state:

"I have never been away from any of our children for this long. And even when separated by a few days, we talked. I feel as though I'm losing my grip. If I start wailing I will never stop, I want to throw things and tear clothes. Oh God, how could this happen. This pressure in my chest never leaves and my heart is bursting inside of me... The days drag. Where is Mark? Where is my son. I want my child. I scream inside and feel as though my body will burst. I want to start screaming and refuse to stop. Then maybe someone will understand, I can't do this. I can't be without my child. I can't. Please, please someone help me."

Even now, as I remember that moment, my heart races faster and my chest muscles tighten and I feel that primal wail deep inside. I want my child.

As much as I try to find the right words to offer hope and help, many times all I can do is whisper their names. Oh Jake. Oh Wendy.

Some who read this entry will wish they hadn't and avoid future posts on sorrow because it's so depressing. I understand. But for today I feel compelled to try to expose the dark, intimate early and what feels like never-ending anguish of grieving people.

Many who watch broken people will get tired of the sorrow. But God will call others to stand in the gap. Faithfully praying, pleading with their Father to reveal His presence, needing no acknowledgement or thanks from those who are broken. How thankful I am for those who continue to stand in the gap for us, who did not reject us when our grief destroyed our former selves. Who waited patiently for God to transform our ashes into beauty.

And yes, those of you who are desperate for a glimmer of hope, God will redeem every circumstance of our lives, if we cooperate with His purposes. Whether it is a failed marriage, poor parenting, the abuse of others, long term illness, shattered dreams, or loss through physical death, He calls us to do the hard work of grief with hope that one day we will offer His comfort and courage to a fellow traveler. In the early days and months of grief, I resented anyone suggesting that good could come from Mark's death. And yet back in the deep recesses of my soul, I clung to the hope that God would redeem this horrible grief and touch another life through our son's life.

Three weeks after Mark's death I wrote in my journal,

"Lord I want to relinquish all control of my life to You. I want to die, to bring forth life. I don't want one aspect of Mark's death to be wasted. I don't want him to be forgotten. Lord, whatever you want from me, help me to obey. I am the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be to me as You have said."

Longing to trust God warred with longing for Mark. Today, I see God's love won the battle. Along with too many others to count, I plead with God to give that same victory to every broken person reading this post. Do the hard labor of grief, trusting that one day God will keep all of His promises to you, either here or There. And remember, if you know Jesus, there is great freedom in surrendering to this truth: There are some wounds that only Heaven can heal.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Recommended Resources:

To Know Ashley

Treasures of Encouragement

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

Posted At : August 1, 2009 4:10 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

Dr. Betters & Pastor Dan share from their hearts as they lead their home church through one of life's most difficult times - the loss of an 11-year old Covenant child in a boating accident. When the Betters lost their son Mark at only 16 years old they could not have known then that God was preparing them to hold up others who would one day walk the same dark path. These sermons offer a glimpse of hope and the opportunity to see light in an otherwise dark situation.

Click here to access Dr. Betters' The Ugly Enemy sermon.

Click here to access Pastor Dan's The Furnace of Affliction sermon.

Don't forget to sign up for the RSS feed for Current Audio and Video Sermons by clicking here.

Posted At : July 27, 2009 9:15 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Grief

An eleven-year-old little girl is gone. Her family and friends struggle to reconcile God's love with His sovereignty. We are on holy ground as we enter into the darkness with them. Though it is excruciating to go back into the abyss of sorrow, we go willingly for too many reasons to count. We desperately needed someone like us when our son, Mark and his friend, Kelly, died in a car accident. Someone who had lived in the foreign Land of Grief who could show us the way, give us hope. Our desperation for hope hid the sacrifice these precious grieving parents made in order to answer God's call to comfort us with the same comfort He had given to them.

We go also because to be with a broken-hearted person who is a daughter or son of our King is to be on holy ground. God promises He is very near to the broken-hearted. Yes, He is always with each of His children, but in some way we can't explain, He is nearer to those who cry out for His touch when their hearts are breaking.

In the darkest night of our souls, my sister, Jane Anne, came along side of me in a way that kept the light of Christ burning. I hated for her to see the ugly, oozing sores of grief that covered my soul. But she would not let me hide. God inspired her to express in words how she viewed this calling. I included this piece in my book, Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church. If God is calling you to go into the dark abyss of grief with a friend, whether it is grief over death or any other loss, I hope Jane Anne's perspective opens your mind and heart to the realization that you are on holy ground where you will discover riches stored in secret places, designed to help turn your heart toward Him.

The Risk-Taking Heart
I donned the unbecoming yellow paper gown and cap and put on my rubber gloves and mask as I prepared to enter the patient's room. The effects of her disease were repulsive, and I avoided the room until her needs required my attention. Raw, open sores penetrated to the bone. Involuntary nervous responses resulted in embarrassing outbursts of unpredictable emotions. Pain permeated the room, giving a suffocating feeling to anyone who entered. The windows and glass door mocked the patient, allowing her to see a world she could not join. This patient was incapable of caring for herself in any way. Isolation always seemed ironic to me. In other cases, we put on sterile gloves to protect the patient from our germs, but isolation cases requires full garb to protect us from the patient's disease. It was always risky to treat these patients. Why take it? I experienced a strange phenomenon when I chose to take that risk. Somehow I felt more alive to be in touch with such intense pain. I felt real. Of course, I took precautions and could always take off my protective layer and go back into the routine life that my patient longed to experience once again.

This patient, though drenched with disease, had a strange pull on me. I was always glad, after I began to care for her, that I could be the one to help. Once I was there, I wondered why I avoided that room so much. Perhaps it was not knowing what state I would find her in that caused my apprehension.

The key to the treatment was convincing the patient that she would get better (though no one would blame her for not believing it). All the research showed that recovery required patient confidence that it would happen. This confidence would enable the patient to participate in her treatment, speeding the healing process. I needed to give her hope.

I went into the sick room once again and began the treatment. Very little healing had taken place and I could see that the disease was progressing. As I went about my care for the patient, trying to convince her with words that she would recover, the cumbersome isolation garb hampered me. The patient was suffering because of my inability to fully function, and she looked at me with frustration in her eyes. I was causing more pain!

For a moment I stopped, our eyes met, and I finally realized what she could not express. No, she would not ask me to put myself at risk, but she wouldn't believe my encouraging words either. I stared beyond her eyes as time stood still. Then, without a word, I removed the gloves, mask and cumbersome paper gown. For the first time a glimmer of hope appeared in her eyes. At that moment we both began to believe that her disease - grief - would be conquered. (Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church, pages 185 - 186, P & R Publishing, used with permission)

Jane Anne also wrote, "Throughout my tears and frustration God led me to places I had never been and showed me things I never would have seen. My spiritual life has depth I had never experienced. I know better who I am because I know better who God is. The reality of death has brought God closer than ever. I see Him in everything now. I have confidence that He will do what I cannot do, and I know that His ways are beyond me. How grateful I am that He chose me to be the vessel from which He poured out His love to Sharon. Little did I know on that life-changing night that the treasure found in darkness, which God was planning for my sister, would be mine, too." (Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church, page 179, P & R Publishing, used with permission)

Recommended Resources:

Treasures of Encouragement

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a Loved One

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 25, 2009 2:53 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Aging

A few months ago I wrote a few posts on aging and promised more. Then I discovered an article by Susan Fiske in By Faith Onlne. She captured everything that I wanted to say only better than I could have ever said it. Her research is discouraging; her conclusions are encouraging. If like me, you struggle to find your way through the aging maze of our culture, check out Susan Fiske's article Her words challenge and convict me. I hope they do the same for you.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : July 6, 2009 2:39 PM | Posted By : Dr. Chuck Betters
Related Categories: Grief

I tried, really tried to ignore the anniversary of our son Mark's death. Sometimes the anticipation of a holiday, birthday or anniversary of the loss is worse than the actual day. But this year fun family times filled the past two weeks as we welcomed Chuck's brother and children and grandchildren from Texas for a mini-family reunion. Then we celebrated July 4th with our children and grandchildren. Lots of laughter, noise and delicious food occupied the hours. When longing for Mark snuck up to remind me of that awful day sixteen years ago, I gave myself permission to privately cry for a few minutes but then chose to enjoy the many blessings God continues to send our way. Big hugs from little people and four-year-old Caleb's quiet words, "Grammy, I really do love you, you know!" kept grief at bay and I gladly opened my hands and heart to the genuine joy and contentment God sent my way.

Instead of licking my wounds on July 5 in preparation for this awful anniversary, I taught a women's Sunday School class. I worshipped with our covenant family. I took a long evening walk. I tried to see July 6 as just another day. I really tried. It's been sixteen years after all. So why did I wake this morning with a dark heart and fresh tears? Isn't it time to move on? To "get over IT?" Each tender message from friends via email and Facebook, quick hugs at church and whispered comfort touched the wound that never quite closes, the loving words acknowledging the never-ending grief that honors our son's life and legacy. Each word a treasure in the darkness reminding me of God's presence and comfort. But...

Sometimes the only way to "move on" is to give up trying...to stop smiling, to give yourself permission to grieve, to lean into the pain. So I let my mind race back sixteen years, another July 4th weekend filled with family and celebrations. A dry, hot summer weekend, soon forgotten if not for the terrible phone call...I hate this. I hate this...this awfulness...this upside down turn of events, a parent burying her child. No. This is not right. I stand on the edge of the abyss of grief and conclude that remembering that awful time is too hard, too much. I fear I will never recover if I go too far, if I take one more step into the deeper darkness.

And so instead I focus on Mark's ever-growing eternal legacy. God reminds me of treasures in the darkness, love notes from Him designed to help turn my heart toward His sovereign eternal purposes. I remember the many mothers who have contacted me since, the ones who long for help and hope as they try to process the deaths of their own children, those who are attempting to embrace a new level of normal. I think about the stories of horrific loss, terrible sorrow and grief that cannot be adequately described, only known and understood by another grieving mother. I remember how God has transformed our journey into one of hope and comfort for others. I am once more mystified by the supernatural work God has done in my heart, evidenced by each grieving mother who tells me that the cracks in my soul reveal Jesus. And I know their message is a reminder from God, giving me tangible proof that He is keeping His promise to bring beauty from ashes. Because I could never "work up" such strength.

Yet still, in the midst of remembering, of acknowledging God's faithfulness, today I am one of those mothers who longs for her child. Wishing for one more moment, one more day, one more lifetime. So I give myself permission to cry trusting that I do not cry alone, that my Heavenly Father is holding me tightly in His grip, and that He will give me faith and strength to thank Him for the treasures in the darkness that I have experienced. I remember that even in this moment, He is keeping the promise of His presence and that my weeping is a nighttime visitor that will someday leave as morning joy moves in.

But for this moment, with full confidence that God is sovereign and I can trust Him, I cry for my son.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Recommended resources:

Treasures in Darkness

Loss of a loved one

Posted At : July 1, 2009 10:31 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Adultery

Sin takes on different form in each of our lives but some sins wreak a horizontal havoc that is an ever widening circle of grief and destruction, especially behavior that betrays human trust and children's safety in their homes. Adultery is such a sin. This post is for women who are committing adultery or flirting with the possibilities. I have addressed this topic in previous posts but in light of the past two weeks of confessions from two self-proclaimed family oriented public figures, out of love for my covenant family, I am pleading once more with adulterous women to consider carefully the consequences of their betrayal of another woman.

And that is my question. Please, please help me understand how you can intentionally destroy another woman's life by committing adultery with her husband? I wish you could see my face and hear the sorrow in my question rather than condemnation and judgment. Elizabeth Edwards asked the same question about the other woman in her husband's life - how can one woman do this to anther woman? My heart sunk when Governor Sanford, a professing Christian, confessed his adulterous relationship with a woman in Argentina. What struck me was his priority to protect the specialness of his relationship to this woman, saying that they had a precious friendship for eight years that "sparked" into something more about a year ago. Like so many others caught in adultery, he stated that they never intended for this to happen. True confession on my part - instead of sympathy for Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery, my jaded thoughts were, "If the truth is ever told, he will confess that he knew eight years ago that he wanted this woman in a way that was outside of marriage. He will confess that all along his attraction to her was more than friendship and that instead of running away from temptation as God commands us to do, Mark Sanford rationalized that he could handle a close relationship with this woman."

And sure enough, what Mark Sanford and "Maria" thought were private, intimate love notes now are public evidence of a long term sensuous relationship. Emails meant for their eyes only are now part of Internet history. In the context of one romantic, intimate email Governor Sanford proclaims to his adulterous partner that he knew when he first met her that she was special.

The more the press gleefully exposes , the more clearly we see scriptural truth played out in front of our eyes. We can't believe how irrationally Governor Sanford behaved, in particular taking off for Argentina to meet with his partner in adultery without regard for the affairs of State to which he had been elected. And yet scripture clearly outlines the way that adulterers step by step lose common sense and rational thinking. The slope of adultery is slippery indeed.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." (Proverbs 5:1 - 14)

Please know that I do not want to be one more person who is shaking her head and tsk, tsking in condemnation. God doesn't waste any of our mistakes or sinful choices. Exposed sin in public figures must drive us to acknowledge, "There but for the grace of God go I.." We pray that the Sanfords can find their way back to each other and that their family legacy will be one of redemption and forgiveness. Mark Sanford's fall ought to be a teaching moment for us. The enemy is patient, like a lion, stalking his prey, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. Eight years of long distance "friendship" was a smoldering fire waiting to explode. Teaching Moment: Is there a "friendship" in your life that you need to re-examine in light of this sad tale?

Others have already begun to diagnose the reasons Mark Sanford and his partner in adultery committed such a heinous betrayal of Jenny Sanford. I've heard "experts" whitewash and excuse this sinful behavior by saying that some men are wired for such risk-taking, that their testosterone drives their foolish decisions, but that they really still love their wives. These "experts" need to have a sit down with God on this one. "You shall not commit adultery... Teaching Moment: In case you are trying to rationalize what adultery means, let me make it more clear - no emotional adultery, either. You shall not steal [another woman's husband]... You shall not covet your neighbor's wife [or husband]...

Girls, you will meet, if you haven't already, men who belong to other women who you wish you could have as your own. Teaching Moment: As soon as you have that thought, run away from the relationship. As soon as you think, "He's such a good guy and his wife mistreats him....I can make up for his wife's short fallings by being his friend....." run faster from that relationship. Adulterers and adulteresses are steeped in deception and cannot be believed. Initially, they lie to themselves. Some women color their emotional adultery by pretending to care about the man's wife and children. Teaching Moment: Hear me on this. The truth is if you are flirting with a married man, you do NOT care about his wife and children, nor do you care for him. Mark Sanford himself admitted that if he really cared for this other woman, he wouldn't have involved her in circumstances that had no future except humiliation and devastation. Before you prepare your emotional defense of such behavior, remember that I'm only the messenger. God has already made it clear that adultery destroys people and cuts the nerve of a marriage.

Ultimate Teaching Moment: If you are involved in adultery, repent of your sin and get help now. Remember, repentance is a two-fold process - we must put off the adultery and put on our husbands. God can redeem the pain but you must start with repentance. The longer you allow it to continue the more you risk ever understanding God's love and forgiveness. Over the years I have pleaded with adulterous women to repent. I have begged them to see Jesus' love and for His glory to walk in holiness. Sadly, few listen. Repentance drives us to the Cross where we will find the greatest love that paid dearly to redeem us from the pit.

If you have experienced that kind of forgiveness, there is a woman who needs to hear your story. You can email me anonymously through this blog or with your contact information through Sharon.betters@markinc.org.

And if you are a victim of adultery, perhaps your story will help open the eyes of the "other woman" that God is calling to repentance.

For more on how to resist the temptation of adultery, check out Chuck's messages, The Myth of the Greener Grass.

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : June 22, 2009 10:55 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Spiritual Mothering

Ok, Girls, I need your help. If you could ask another woman, in particular a woman further along in life's journey, one life question what would it be? I will share those questions with the women in the summer class I will start teaching on July 5. And I will share the questions and answers in this blog over the summer months. My working title for the class is: Life Lessons My Mother(S) Taught Me: Live, Laugh, Love, Learn, Leave a Legacy.

This class will be a sort of "group mentoring" where attendees will not only hear the Word but we will also hear from women who will share their own life stories of how God has brought spiritual mothers and sisters alongside of them. In Titus 2 the Apostle Paul tells Pastor Titus to equip the older women to teach the younger women how to reflect Christ in their daily lives. In keeping with that model, I've asked Chuck to join us at the end of class to answer a different life question each week.

We don't want to answer questions no one is asking so if you could ask an older woman any question, what would it be? And what life question would you like to ask the pastor? Send me your questions at Sharon.betters@markinc.org.

We'll share some of the questions and answers on future blogs.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 16, 2009 9:01 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Forgiveness

A friend showed me what walking by faith looks like when your heart is broken. Unless God gave me grace, I couldn't do what she did. My own heart agreed with her cries, "This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to do this! How can I? I can't! I can't!"

I wanted to tell her, "Then don't. I agree with you - this isn't fair. Your enemy doesn't deserve grace." But I couldn't join her obedience resistance because Jesus had already given her marching orders. His call was clear. Forgive.

Someone has said that choosing not to forgive is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. What a picture of bitterness. Bitterness steals peace. No peace means no rest.

Forgiveness requires walking by faith. Walking by faith requires doing what doesn't come naturally and goes against every normal response.

A few months ago I joined a Body Pump class at our local YMCA. Fortunately, a friend warned me to start out slowly because after her first class she could not move without crying. I thought I had heeded her advice but the next day I moaned with every step to the point that my husband rushed to my side to help me. "Don't pay attention to my cries. It's just that every muscle in my body is screaming in rebellion over that exercise class!" Our daughter Heidi told me I had to go back and work through the pain. Because I've seen the results of physical perseverance in her life, I followed her orders. I forced my body to surrender to the stretching and weight lifting and push ups. Slowly the muscles got the message and stopped screaming for relief.

The first steps of forgiveness often result in the same kind of emotional and spiritual pain. Dormant spiritual muscles wail, "NO, NO, NO! This HURTS!!" We might conclude that such pain means we shouldn't go forward. But my friend taught me that instead of stopping and going backward, we need to adjust our pace and give ourselves permission to take tinier steps. But we can't stop. What does forgiveness look like and how do we get there? It's different for each situation except for the first step of choosing to obey God's call to forgive. We find the power to forgive by looking at the cross and seeing our enemy through the eyes of Jesus.

As I watched the miracle of grace transform my dear friend into a woman of strength, I envied the miracle of grace I saw in her. But I also knew that unless God gave me similar grace, I could never take the steps I witnessed her take. Forgiveness required her to die to self and put aside her own sense of justice and need for vengeance. She recognized her inability to make hard choices and surrendered her will to wise counselors whose wisdom came from scripture. Emotional and physical exhaustion followed her obedience because her surrender to God's ultimate glory took every ounce of strength to break through the shell of bitterness wrapped around her soul. I saw hope in her eyes for the first time since the betrayal. In that moment she experienced supernatural power she didn't know resided in her soul. She also recognized that this one step was the first of many more difficult moments toward healing and reconciliation.

Trusting God's wisdom and perfect love equips us to obey in the hard moments. But then we must trust again in the obedience. We must trust Him with the outcome of our obedience. And then what do we do when our obedience brings about the very thing we were trying to escape...

In His Grip,
Sharon

Posted At : May 9, 2009 12:59 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Mother's Day

I think the hymn writer got it wrong. The title Trust and Obey really should read, Trust and Obey AND TRUST.

Because sometimes God calls us to impossible tasks and our obedience seems ludicrous. When our sixteen-year-old son was killed in a car accident, I knew God's expectations of me were impossible. I could not survive. I would not survive. I wasn't finished being Mark's mother. This was outrageous. I concluded that if I started screaming and refused to stop, someone would realize a terrible mistake had been made and give me back my son. I think that's called denial.

In the most impossible situation, God called me to trust AND OBEY. What did obedience look like for me? What did God require of me? Chuck told me that I must embrace sorrow as a friend. I could not. God called me to worship Him. I didn't know how. He demanded surrender. I would not. I wanted, I needed my child.

I heard that His promises are precious. I concluded they did not apply to me. Trust Him? My pathway was impossible. Yet, I had other children and though they were young adults, I knew they needed me to find a way out of the darkness. I did not want their brother's death to destroy their trust in God, even though I wasn't sure I could trust Him again. In desperation I turned to the only place that I could trust to be unchanging. God's Word. I hooked myself up to the scriptures the way doctors and nurses hook us up to intravenous medication. The only pathway for survival was to constantly wash my soul in His Word, trusting it to be truth, though my heart cried out, "Untrue." But I trusted by going back to His Word every day, every morning.

And still God wanted more. He called me to trust.....AND OBEY.

And slowly, very, very slowly, I obeyed. The obedience was not dramatic. It was mundane but required every ounce of strength remaining in my broken heart. I obeyed when I got out of bed every morning, trusting that when He calls us, He also equips us to obey. But then what should I do now that I was up?

God's Word was a light for my pathway. Jeremiah 29 called me to surrender to my captivity in the Land of Grief. But surrender with purpose and obedience and by choosing life and hope. Through this passage, God demanded that I plant gardens and allow those gardens to nurture me and my family. He called on me to love my family and to encourage them to trust His promises, to encourage them to build families, to give them in marriage and for them to bear children. Though I would always grieve, He wanted my life to empower our children and grandchildren to embrace joy and the possibilities of living with eternal purpose. If I surrendered to His specific instructions, our children would be nurtured by this obedience, this Garden of Life in the Land of Grief.

And I obeyed, fighting to conquer every emotion that tied me tightly in the abyss of sorrow. I met with Him every morning and begged Him to heal my broken heart. First like a gentle Father, then like a stern parent, God demanded, "Trust AND OBEY." But He wanted more. Give up your agenda (getting Mark back) and TRUST Me to perform My purposes in your obedience. Sometimes our obedience is a teeny, tiny step with tear-filled eyes with little hope that anything we are doing will lead to a good result. Sometimes we think our obedience is about big things wh