Chuck and I joined the autumn ritual of cheering on our grandchildren as they ran up and down the soccer fields, each one displaying their unique personalities in the way they chased the soccer ball and interacted with team mates. Our son-in-law coached from the sidelines with these words to his five year old twins, "This is the one place you don't have to share! You get to keep the ball all to yourself. If someone tries to take it away from you, don't stand back and say, 'ok, you can have it!'" How do you teach sweet little ones that they must be selfish on the field?

Inner conflicting emotions vied for first place when I saw eight year old Benjamin in his soccer attire, run out onto the field. Benjamin closely resembles Mark and his job as goalie reminded me of Mark's goal tending career. Cheering on the outside, I privately pulled up the family videos archived in my heart. I smiled at the scenes of our little guys running the beehive play (the one where every child on the field hovers around the soccer ball), Chuck and me yelling encouragement from the sidelines and I quickly moved on to vignettes of Mark's growing sports prowess.

Mark was good at every sport he tried but sometimes his mind played tricks on his natural ability. His Little League coaches depended on his big bat for homeruns based on the first few games of hitting homeruns. Then something inside would freeze his confidence and strike outs reigned. As an athlete himself, Chuck knew the only thing standing between his son and good solid hits was a mental block. I can see Chuck standing behind the backstop at home plate. He quietly talked Mark through each time at bat, giving calm step by step reminders of how to do what Mark already knew how to do. I held my breath with each swing and cheered wildly when Mark got on base or hit a homerun. Mark was known in his soccer league as a great goalie. He had what his team mates called a big foot! He could kick a soccer ball half way down the field and he was only twelve. So when he took up flag football, his coach assigned him the position of kicker. Everyone anticipated winning the season because of Mark's extraordinary ability to kick the ball accurately and far. Much to everyone's dismay, Mark froze up toward the end of the season. The pressure to perform was too much and once again, a mental block stood between him and victory. At Mark's request, Chuck coached him every evening in the backyard, examining his performance and then patiently counting out his steps, "Left, right, left, Kick!" Every time Mark listened, the ball soared and a big grin turned his anxious face into one of relief and hope.

The football season ended with championship games preceded by a kicking contest. Mark' Big Foot made him the natural choice to represent his team. As we stood on the sidelines, Mark's face revealed his fear and we watched his body freeze. What to do? We knew he could not kick the ball successfully without his dad's help. But we didn't want to embarrass him by calling out the necessary encouragement he needed. Mark practiced a few runs toward the ball, each time stopping short. He glanced our way but in his typical reticent manner, he did not ask for help. How could a 12-year-old boy embarrass himself by asking Daddy for help?

Mark's first two attempts in the contest were disappointing. His teammates and coaches held their breath as Mark set up for his third run at the ball. I prayed, "Lord, please, Energize that Big Foot!" I didn't care if he won, I just wanted him to do what he was able. Without looking at his father, Mark quietly asked, "Dad,count for me." Without a second's hesitation Chuck called out the count-down, "Left foot, right foot, left foot, KICK!" keeping time with Mark's run toward the ball. Boom, the football soared into the air. Marks' face broke into a thousand little smiles and the fans yelled as his teammates rushed toward our son, knowing he had just won the kicking contest.

Sometimes we need a little help from our Daddy but He knows it's best to wait until we know our need and we're ready to receive assistance. That morning Mark taught me the value of humility, of admitting my need to the One Who is always ready to count for me, to whisper step by step instructions in my ear and to cheer me on to victory that is sure to come when I listen to Him. I'm so glad Mark asked his daddy to count for him.

In His grip,
Sharon

Faithful friends with servant's hands not only encouraged me to keep moving but came alongside to help me do so. One special friend called every week to decide what project we would work on to get our house ready for our daughter's December wedding. She came alongside to help make decisions, paint, paper, redecorate. One day she organized a group of about ten people who did a summer's worth of yard work while others painted kitchen cabinets. They looked around, saw what needed to be done, and did it. They understood that we had no idea of what our needs were. They didn't say, "Call me if you need me." Most bereaved people will not respond to that message. It isn't that we aren't grateful. It's just that we are on emotional overload. Every bit of energy is being used for survival.

Friends stayed with us through the night of the accident and the days following. They prayed and wept with us, kept the coffee going, and made sure there was food in the house, plenty of paper goods, tissues in every room, and cold wet cloths for our faces. They kept lists of gifts, phone calls, and messages. They ironed shirts, put away clean clothes, took out the trash, watered and ran the dogs and watered the flower beds. All without asking what we needed them to do.

Others realized that we needed to be in charge of details concerning Mark, and they brought those decisions to us rather than making them for us.

Some people prefer privacy in their grief, but for us the constant flow of friends to our home satisfied our need for a physical expression of God's love. We needed to see their tears, feel their hugs, see the agony in their faces. Beautiful flowers and plants reminded us of the beauty of our son - now serving God in heaven. Parents who had lost children stepped back into their own pain to give us hope. Friends helped clean Mark's room and were with me when I found his prayer journal, further affirmation of his walk with Christ.

Galatians tells us to bear one another's burden so that we can bear our own burdens. IN the first few months of our grief, the body of Christ swept us up and carried us along. We were powerless to carry ourselves. Now as a result of their encouragement and strength, we are able to bear our own burdens.

After Mark's death, I questioned the sufficiency of God to help us survive. But God, in His grace, provided members of His body who believed in His sufficiency for us when we could not believe it for ourselves.

Grief is terrifying both to those experiencing it and those who have to watch it happen. We want to make it go away, but the Bible tells us there is a time to grieve. It is a natural process that leads to healing and wholeness.

Wise encouragers know they are there to facilitate the process, not stop it. For people who are problem solvers, this is a hard assignment. An understanding of God's sovereignty equips us for this job. Although circumstances do not make sense, God does, and He will supply whatever His children need.

From Treasures of Encouragement,Women Helping Women in the Church, pages 193 - 194.

What's your encouragement story?

May God give you a deepening sense of His presence as you offer His treasures of encouragement to others.

In His grip,
Sharon

When you're trying to encourage a hurting friend:

A sensitive heart will say...
~I love you.
~I'm so sorry this has happened.
~Nothing. (But give lots of hugs and shed lots of tears.)
~I'll be in touch (and follows through).
~I'm praying (and does).

A sensitive heart will...
~Listen.
~Allow her friend to express all emotions and not interject judgmental comments, especially in the beginning.
~Read books that teach her how to help.
~Keep visits short, unless the hurting friend insists she stay longer.
~Discern when her friend needs to be alone, but not allow her to isolate herself completely.
~Assure her friend that she is not crazy, just brokenhearted.
~Offer to find more help when she senses her friend is sinking.
~Acknowledge the pain.
~Give permission to talk about the loss.
~Stay in touch for the long haul with cards, phone calls, and special remembrances on anniversaries, birthdays, special holidays.
~Ask the Holy Spirit for specific Scripture to share at the right moment and trust God to use them as a healing balm.
~Offer to do menial tasks (but never disturb the possessions of a deceased person without permission - i.e. do not clean out his or her room, change the bed, etc.).
~Recognize that grief is a long process.
~Tolerate volatile outbursts and intense emotions.
~Not expect or demand thanks.
~Pray, pray, pray every time she thinks of her friend.

From Treasures of Encouragement, pages 191 - 192:

What's your encouragement story?

Next: More practical ways to offer encouragement to a hurting friend. Until then, may God give you a deep sense of His sweet presence as you offer to your hurting friends the treasures of His encouragement.

In His grip,
Sharon

I just learned of a horrific accident that took the life of a ten year old boy. His mother and sister are injured but will survive. This family desperately needs their friends and family to surround them with the hope and courage that only faith in Christ can give. I don't know this family but I can guarantee that their friends and family are feeling completely helpless to offer that hope and help this morning.

In every Q & A session I have during a conference, someone describes an accident like this and then asks, "How can we help this family?" And vignettes from the hours after the death of our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, flash in my soul, one gut-wrenching picture after another.

But fast-forward far enough and I begin to see the treasures of encouragement that God sent through His people to help turn our hearts toward Him. In my book, Treasures of Encouragement, I list things to not say and do as well as what to say and do. Below are things NOT to say and do. In my next post I'll list things TO say and do. If you don't need this list now, you will, so feel free to copy it and tuck it away for future ministry. Better yet, get a copy of Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women in the Church and learn how thinking biblically prepares you to encourage others to trust God in the darkness.

From Treasures of Encouragement, pages 191 - 192:

A sensitive heart does not say:
~I understand.
~Call me if you need me.
~You can have more children, get married again, fill your life with other things, etc.
~I don't know what to do. (And then prove it by doing nothing.)
~God needed him more than you.
~God must really love you to put you through this.
~You have to get on with your life.
~Don't cry.
~Be strong!

A sensitive heart does not...
~Try to be always cheerful.
~Try to explain why.
~Think her grieving friend is crazy.
~Compare losses.

What's your encouragement story?

Next: What a sensitive heart will say and do.

Until then, may you experience God's special presence as you offer your friend the treasures of His encouragement.

In His grip,
Sharon