Sometimes when the marriage of a couple we have mentored and known from their wedding day, crashes and burns, Chuck and I will spend time feeling sorry for ourselves, wondering if anything we are doing and saying has an impact on anyone. We are broken hearted when a family implodes and nothing we can say or do can put back the pieces of their broken homes. Why bother, we wonder. What good does it do? Then we reassure one another with this truth: there are hundreds, maybe thousands of people who have heard the Word of God and the exhortation to apply His Word to daily life who are quietly living out their lives, applying scriptural truth, and experiencing God's grace and strength as they face the struggles of this world. These people are building families and passing on a legacy of faith that is eternal. We encourage each other that all we can do is share what God has taught us. People have a choice as to whether what we say is truth and whether or not they will apply it to their lives. We can't force them to obey God's Word and experience the joy that only He can give.

Then there are moments, many more than the crash and burn experiences, when God reminds us of some of those people who choose to apply God's Word no matter how difficult and walk by faith, in the light and the darkness. They are the busy bees in the church, often behind the scenes, saying "yes" to helping others, leading children's ministries, working with the youth, teaching a women's Bible study, attending a men's Bible study, serving in leadership roles, singing in the choir, keeping the books, welcoming guests to the church family. God has transformed their hearts and out of gratitude to Him they are passing on a legacy of faith to the children God has placed in their lives.

God recently reminded me of some of those women who chose to attend a Bible study for young married women in 1994. Our newly-wed daughter, Heidi, asked me to lead a study for her friends, all newly weds. The topic was The Challenge of Being a Woman. What was ironic to me was that I had taught this same study to some of their mothers when these newlywed young women were little girls. Heidi had no furniture so we sat on the floor in her living room and week after week, opened the Bible to see what God had to say about womanhood. I just found the attendance list for that small group. Fifteen of the twenty women are still active in our local church, striving to build families that know, love and fear God and many are in leadership positions. Two of the women, sadly, are no longer in their original marriages. I've lost touch with three others. But think of the percentages. In a culture where 50% of marriages end in divorce, as far as I know only ten percent of this group suffered the agony of a failed marriage.

I'm not saying that these girls are walking by faith because of this study. But I do believe their hunger to equip themselves for this strange thing called marriage so early on in their lives indicates their commitment to keep on learning and to keep on building on their strong faith foundations. I can still see some of those girls and where they were sitting in that circle. I remember one of them asking hard questions because she had just recently experienced the stillborn death of her first son. I can see another sweet, young, shy, quiet girl who would later sit in my pink chair in my sunroom and cry through every meeting the two of us had as she tried to reconcile the stillborn death of her first daughter and God's love. I think about our daughter's coming struggle with infertility and wonder how much that group helped prepare her for her own battle to trust God. Along with my own daughter our new daughter-in-law as well as the young wife who whose family would one day include a child with enormous physical needs but also great joy because of that child. I see the BIG hairstyles on some of the girls and I chuckle that one of them is now the Nursery Coordinator in our local church. Another one is a pastor's wife, one is an elder's wife, another a deacon's wife, and all of them women that I absolutely love and fondly remember. I remember the discussions on submission and headship, the laughter over the differences between men and women.

But most of all, I remember how those girls became a safe place for a broken-hearted grieving mother - me. This was a year after our son's death and yet these girls thought I had something to offer them. They gave me a reason to think about something besides my own anguish. Because of that, each one has a special place in my heart.

Now, I look around at a whole new generation of young newly weds and young mommies and I am eager to pass on to another group of women some of the truths that God has taught me over the years. But more than that, I can't wait to develop those same kinds of personal friendships with this new group of women.

And I will have the privilege of observing them as they choose to quietly build a legacy of faith that will have an eternal impact, just like their sisters who walk this pathway a little ahead of them.

In His grip,

Sharon

9. Be transparent and honest in your communication. Most marriage counseling I do centers on teaching couples Biblical principles for communicating. We come into marriage with preconceived ideas of the right way to speak, to resolve conflicts. Even when we hate the way our parents communicated, we often find ourselves becoming just like them unless we are determined by God's grace to break the chains of the past. Observe how others communicate, study Biblical principles and be accountable to one another for practicing communication that builds up rather than tears down. Often a couple does not realize how their communication reflects badly on their relationship to Christ. As trusted friends what does your communication reveals about your relationship to one another? You may be very surprised.

10. Learn to embrace pain as your friend. This is perhaps one of the most difficult principles to live out. The hard places in marriage are God's sandpaper designed to smooth out the rough places in our characters. There is no better woman in the world for me than my wife. I know this because we are married and God's design is for her to complete me. Our relationship not only brings joy and pleasure, it also is an opportunity for us to become more like Christ. Marriage requires sacrifice, seeing our spouse's needs as more important than our own. Such moments are often painful and yet that is the model of Christ. And isn't He the One whom we are to emulate in all of life? So with Jesus I encourage you to "go home to your family and tell them [by the way you treat them, love them, encourage them] how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you."

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

7. Partner in ministry. Find an outreach ministry in which you can serve together. Not only will this activity deepen your relationship, it will help teach your children to love serving the church.

8. Always remember the Biblical priorities in your relationships. When our children were very little I gave Sharon a plaque that reminded us of our priorities: The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Our Biblical family priorities are: Christ, Spouse, Children. Church. Work. Note that your spouse comes before your children - always.

And note that there is no other person on the face of the earth that can take the place of your spouse. Fidelity in American culture appears to be up for grabs. Wedding rings don't seem to act as a fence for many people. Great temptation comes against godly marriages because God's plan is for marriages to reflect His love. Commit to praying for one another to be faithful in all ways.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

5. Pray and worship together. Pray together every day. Sharon and I started our marriage with the habit of praying together every night before going to sleep. It's tough to pray with someone with whom you are arguing. Our children tell us that they sometimes heard us praying late at night. Such moments not only strengthen a couple but help a child feel safe.

6. Don't ever take for granted your relationship. Continually focus on growing up in your marriage. Do not discount the little things, treating each other with respect and dignity, expressing your love regularly. Early in our marriage Sharon witnessed a newly married friend looking deep into the eyes of her husband and smiling warmly. That picture imprinted on her heart the need to save her best smiles for me as well as her children. Consider how you are able to stop yelling at your spouse in order to answer the phone with warmth! How do we do that? Because we make a choice to treat others better than our spouse. This should not be so in your home.

A few years ago, the Harry S. Truman Library in Independence, MO made public 1,300 recently discovered letters that the late President wrote to his wife, Bess, over the course of a half-century. Mr. Truman had a lifelong rule of writing to his wife every day they were apart. He followed this rule whenever he was away on official business or whenever Bess left Washington to visit her beloved Independence. Scholars are examining the letters for any new light they may throw on political and diplomatic history. For our part, we were most impressed by the simple fact that every day he was away, the President of the United States took time out from his dealing with the world's most powerful leaders to sit down and write a letter to his wife. Bits & Pieces, October 15, 1992, pp. 15-16.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

3. Pick your battles. Is it really worth fighting vehemently over who takes out the trash, loads the dishwasher, is the sloppiest? You fill in your own pet peeves.

Consider this wise woman's plan for dealing with conflict:

On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'" Roderick McFarlane, in Reader's Digest, December, 1992.

4. Understand the uniqueness and greatness of Biblical roles. After 38 years of marriage, Sharon and I are still learning how to live out God's commands on marriage! How do I love her as Christ loves the church? I am willing to physically die for her but dying to myself every day is what Christ requires and my wife desires. Sharon is called on to respect and honor me, to submit to my leadership as her protector and provider. Sharon is a strong, gifted woman and it's my responsibility to make sure she has the freedom to use her gifts to build God's kingdom. Although it is much easier now because of the habits of grace God is growing in us, there are times when we must step back and resolve conflicts and differences in the context of those roles. Study Ephesians 5 together and especially note verse 21: 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 21 A marriage that lives out this command will reflect redemption. In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

1. Develop a Christocentric Worldview, in particular God's view of marriage.

Consider this challenge to live out God's call to reflect His relationship to the church in our marriages:

They say a wife and husband, Bit by bit, Can rear between themselves a mighty wall, So thick they cannot speak with ease through it, Nor can they see across it, it stands so tall. Its nearness frightens them, but each alone is powerless to tear its bulk away; And each dejected wishes he had known for such a wall, some magic thing to say. So let us build with master art, my dear, A bridge of love between your life and mine, A bridge of tenderness, and very near, A bridge of understanding, strong and fine, Till we have formed so many lovely ties, There never will be room for walls to rise. (Author unknown)

And:

Joseph H. Choate was a thorough gentleman as well as a distinguished lawyer in this country some years back. He had a quick wit which made him good copy for journalists. Someone once asked him, "Mr. Choate, if you were not yourself, who would you most like to be?" Without a second's hesitation Choate replied, "Mrs. Choate's second husband." Bits & Pieces, May 27, 1993, p. 23.

2. Marry the right person. Consider the price John Wesley and his wife paid for entering marriage without good counsel:

While crossing a bridge in London, John Wesley stumbled and sprained his ankle. Some friends carried him to the house of Mrs. Mary Vazielle on Threadneedle Street. She was a widow with several children. She cared for Wesley and his response to her concern was to ask her to marry him. If we were writing fiction we might say that the sprained ankle was God's providential way to bring those people together. But the marriage was a disaster, and Mary finally left John. Had Wesley consulted with his brother Charles, and asked for the prayers of the brethren, he might have avoided that unfortunate situation. Mary was accustomed to her quiet home, and it was difficult for her to travel with her husband and stay in uncomfortable inns. It is unfortunate that Mary was not content just to ignore John's ministry; she actually opposed it. She gave certain personal letters to his enemies and even made additions to them that made them worse! Once she even pulled her husband around on the floor by his hair! "I felt as though I could have knocked the soul out of her!" one of Wesley's friends said. Wesley concluded that his unhappy marriage encouraged him to work harder and not complain about missing the comforts of a home. Certainly it encouraged him to be away from home more! W. Wiersbe, Wycliffe Handbook of Preaching and Preachers, Moody Press, 1984, p. 246.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

People of faith often forget that the first place to serve our God is in their marriages and homes. And when we forget that important principle, we endanger the godly legacy that it is our privilege to help build. If we are going to leave a godly legacy for the next generation we must divorce-proof our home and our legacy.

A few years ago, I preached a message series titled, "Twenty-seven Precious Promises." Every week our congregation looked at a Scriptural promise from each book of the New Testament. We determined how that promise equips us to be a redemptive presence in this fallen world. We learned the definition of "redemptive presence" in

Matthew 6:33: But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

My wife, Sharon, and I chose to engrave this verse on the inside of our wedding bands as a reminder of our life calling. These few words teach us a profound truth: our faith is practical and we must choose to live life through the grid of a Biblical worldview.

How often people excited and passionate about Christ and living for Him, forget that the first place we need to be a redemptive presence is in our own homes, our own marriages. When it's easier to be holy while "serving God" at church with Christian friends, we convince ourselves that our homes are not our priority. Yet this is a lie from the enemy because it's in our homes that we show a broken world what the love of Christ really is.

In Mark 5 Jesus makes it clear that our first priority for reflecting redemption is in the context of family. In a stunning show of power, Jesus healed a demoniac by forcing the demons into a herd of pigs. Their demonic power was so great the pigs rushed over a cliff and died. The grateful man is filled with joy and passion for Christ. He wants to go with Jesus and His disciples to help build God's kingdom. Jesus' response is startling:

Jesus did not let him [go with them], but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you."

We often hear that 50% of marriages, even in the evangelical church, end in divorce. Would that statistic be different if couples applied this command to their marriages? If they saw their homes as their priority for reflecting the love of Christ - even when it's tough?
Over the next couple of weeks, we are posting Ten Ways to Help Divorce-Proof Your Marriage. We pray that God will use these nuggets to make your marriage and home your priority.

In His grip,

Chuck and Sharon

Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper shocked many friends and supporters when they announced the dissolution of their over forty-year marriage. They explained that there was "no one else" but that they had drifted apart. We hope that the media and public give Al and Tipper privacy and the freedom to find their way back to one another.

A friend commented, "You just never know. They always acted so in love and committed to each other." It's true. No one but the husband and wife really know what a marriage is like. And sometimes, not even the husband or wife know the true condition of their spouse's heart. We can take a lesson from our former Vice President and his wife. We must guard our marriages. Scripture teaches us much about building a strong marriage, from the Song of Solomon to thousands of verses that address how to treat one another in any relationship to the many Proverbs that directly address faithfulness between a husband and wife.

According to this very public couple, adultery is not an issue. Neither of them have turned to another person. Yet when a couple "drifts apart" the root cause is neglect of their relationship which means other priorities have created an environment of unfaithfulness to their marriage vows.

According to Jesus, it's possible to commit adultery and never have an immoral physical relationship with another person. Let's think about this for a minute. Paul declared that ALL scripture is profitable for doctrine, correction, reproof, and equipping for righteousness. Therefore, we need to determine how Jesus' warning about looking at another woman with lust in our hearts is adultery applies to each of us. How do we drift apart in marriage? Perhaps it starts when we look at any other avenue for satisfaction and that avenue does not lead us back to a stronger relationship with our spouse. Instead, we end up at the corner of Discontent and Boredom rather than at the center of Satisfaction and Delight.

There are numerous passages in Proverbs that warn a young man to avoid the adulterous woman. Many readers cannot relate to a woman dressed as a prostitute walking under their window, seductively whispering, "My husband is out for the evening, come and talk a while with me..." Yet this scripture is profitable as a means to equip us for all good works.

Proverbs 5 - 6 outlines the downward spiral of adultery with specific, graphic warnings of the outcome. If lusting after another person is not your core struggle, replace the "adulterous woman" with any desire, activity, or relationship that you may be putting before your spouse. Before you reject the possibility that you may have such an idol, consider Proverbs 29:20 - This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I've done nothing wrong." Remember, we're trying to learn from Al and Tipper and guard against drifting away from our spouse. It's time to do a marriage gut check and that won't happen if we are unwilling to consider the possibility that we need to make some changes.

After Solomon graphically warns his son in Proverbs 5, he encourages him with how to guard against anything that could distract him from his marriage:

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well...Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

There is much more in this passage than a call to recapture the ecstasy of youthful physical intimacy. One assignment we give couples struggling to rebuild their marriages, is for them to make a list of what attracted them to one another. What did they enjoy doing together in the beginning of their marriage? We try to guide them to recapture the FUN of their marriage. While this will not solve deep-seated issues, sometimes it's all a couple needs to get back on track.

Over the next couple of weeks, we will post clips from an article by Chuck, Priorities that Build Strong Marriages.

We've been married forty-one years. And we endorse Solomon's counsel to his son. It applies whether you're 21 or 62.

In His Grip,
Chuck and Sharon

"Oh, by the way, this gift covers Valentine's Day, too!" Chuck exclaimed mischievously. He had just given me an Anniversary gift that I envisioned would one day be a family heirloom, worn by a great, great granddaughter on her wedding day. It was that special. He's more romantic in a cultural way than he likes to admit. So I rolled my eyes at his reminder that he hates Valentine's Day. From the time we were married he has stood firm that he doesn't need marketing guru's to tell him how to say "I love you" to his wife. My most recent retort to his proclamation was, "You should be grateful for every opportunity to tell me you love me!" He just laughed.

News stories and headlines might lead us to believe that a faithful man is hard to find. Mention Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Tiger Woods and even the biblical David and our first thought is their infidelity. I heard a "man on the street" interview with two people where they were asked what they thought about Tiger Woods' secret adulterous life. I was shocked to hear both the man and a married woman give a similar response, "He's an attractive man, wealthy, well-known. There are lots of women who want him, so, of course, he can't help what he did." The interviewer tried every which way to get them to say Tiger Woods is responsible for his choices and he made the wrong one. They refused to hold him accountable.

Such responses could lead listeners to believe that such thinking is prevalent in our culture. Perhaps. But I want to celebrate the millions of men who take seriously the vows they made to their wives. Who refuse to take advantage of willing women and give in to temptation. I intend to use Valentine's Day to showcase my own faithful husband and remember some of the ways he has loved me. Real romance is not flowers, diamonds, jewelry and surprise trips. Sure, those are fun and we enjoy those moments but unless real romance reigns in every day interaction, these are just temporary baubles that will quickly fade. Perhaps my musings will encourage other wives to celebrate the mundane along with the majestic demonstrations of their husband's love. Remember and recapture the real romance in your marriage.

Right before our first Easter as a married couple, I found six beautiful tulips in the front seat of my car. Chuck, not only were you saying, I love you, but those tulips symbolized your joy in meeting Jesus a few days before Easter the year before. It's as though you were saying that you were committed to building our marriage on your relationship to Jesus. How safe I felt. Do you remember those tulips? I do.

I was the main breadwinner when we were first married so that you could finish college. You promised that as soon as you got a job, we would start a family and I could quit. Right after we moved into our first parsonage, you reminded me of that promise and soon we were expecting our first child. I was so sick with that pregnancy I couldn't stand the scent of any food or even wash dishes. When our pastor came to visit, I begged you not to bring him to our home because every counter was filled with dirty dishes. You said you would take care of it. I came downstairs and found a clean kitchen. You had put every dirty dish back in the cabinets - still dirty. After entertaining our guest, though we were very poor, you bought a portable dishwasher and took care of the mess. You said you hated washing dishes and didn't want me to have to wash them either. Do you remember? I do!

You brought a seminary friend home to have lunch with us and found me in tears. An older woman in the church had criticized you to me and I was undone. You marched across the street to the women's meeting in progress and told them that they were never to speak evil of you or the church to me again. You set the stage for appropriate conflict resolution in the church as well as how you expected them to treat me. Do you remember? I do.

One day you asked me how a doctor's appointment went. I started crying and said, "My doctor says I'm in a deep depression and need to get away from the church responsibilities. I told her that was impossible." You immediately cancelled all of our meetings, called the chairman of the board and told him you and I were taking off for a few days and you weren't sure when we would be back. Do you remember? I do.

Years later I left church, too distraught to stay. You found a ride home and a wife who couldn't stop crying. I felt unsafe and broken by the church conflict. You laid on the bed with me and told me to read a scripture passage out loud where Jesus told the waves to be still. I cried harder as you assured me that God was in control and that you would keep your promise that you would never put church business ahead of our family. You immediately called a pastoral search committee and asked to be considered for the position of pastor of a small church plant. You had previously told me you had no interest in starting over. But soon, we were embraced by the loving congregation of Glasgow Reformed Presbyterian Church, where you are still the pastor. Do you remember making those decisions through the grid of your love for me and our children? I do.

A year later we learned I had life-threatening breast cancer. Treatment for the disease ravaged my body and emotions yet I never felt more loved by you. As you left my hospital room one night, you heard a Code Blue called on my floor. Within minutes you returned to stay with me while doctors tried to save another patient's life. Another night you called me after going home and said, "I was listening to music on the radio and wanted you to listen to the same music because it makes me think about you." Do you remember? I do.

I learned early on that I have to be careful when I mention things I like or would like to have. Because before long, I know you will find a way to satisfy that desire. A few months ago I said I wanted to paint our colonial blue trim white. You responded, "Do you know how much work that will be? I thought blue was your favorite color. No, we're not painting." I never mentioned it again because I knew you were right. It was fine the way it was. A few weeks ago, you told me to pick out new paint for the sunroom and dining room. Do you remember all the times you've surprised me with such unexpected decisions? I do.

You go to work every day (for over forty years) to provide for your family. You regularly pay the bills and make sure our home and cars are maintained. You plow the garden even though you know that by mid-summer weeds will reign. At my request you add flower beds and bushes and encourage me to decorate our home the way I like. Do you realize how safe such care makes me feel? I do not take for granted your faithful love.

Every decision you have made throughout our marriage has centered on meeting the needs of our children and me. You bought a station wagon when I know you longed for a sports car. You sacrificed your own desires to provide a Christian education for our children. I cherish the memory of you wrestling on the floor with our children and backyard catches with the boys, teaching Mark how to kick a football and talking him through his times at bat. How you slept with Heidi after she came into our bedroom crying, unable to get the vision of a terrifying movie out of her head. The hours you spent chauffeuring the kids to music lessons and sports activities. I love how you split your work schedule so that you never missed a game or concert. How you just walking into a room filled with fear makes me feel safe. This is just a tiny list of the many ways your faithful love creates the fabric of our lives.

Now our adult children are creating homes that reflect the same faithful love. Our sons and son-in-law adore their wives and cherish their children. They work hard to provide for their families. They reflect their love for Christ in the way they approach every day tasks. I see your fingerprints all over their lives.

There is a faithfulness that is day in and day out. It's what happens in the mundane moments of life that creates a majestic legacy of faith.

How do I love thee, my husband? I cannot count the many ways. But know this, I am committed to loving you more every day so that the last season of our life is even more exciting than the first seasons.

I don't need Valentine's Day to say I love you. But I will take advantage of this opportunity to declare to anyone who reads this that I do.

In His Grip with you,
Sharon

When Chuck and I were first married I subscribed to a magazine called, Marriage Partnership. I loved being married and wanted to know every practical way I could demonstrate how much I loved my husband. Now you can pick up some of those practical ideas by visiting the website of http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/

And in keeping with our Simply Christmas Treasures of Encouragement theme, take a few minutes to read this article on their site: Downscaling Christmas.

I'd love to hear your ideas for simplifying Christmas. How do you do it?

In His Grip,
Sharon

The assignment was simple: Identify one activity or goal on your "bucket list" for 2009 for your marriage and share it with the group at our final gathering. Our married couples class had been meeting every Sunday morning for several months and we had addressed some basic but at times difficult issues. This was our first Date Night at the Betters and the atmosphere was casual and expectant. One topic led to another until Chuck said, "Ok, let's hear your bucket list goals for 2009." Each spouse shared, some cryptically, others with abandon: better communication, getting priorities on the same page, dealing with a specific sin issue, cultivating closer relationships with extended family, having more "fun!"

When Chuck and I reviewed the evening discussion later, we realized that unless each of us mapped out a plan for accomplishing our goals, it was likely we could meet in December and we all would have the same goals for 2010 because the tyrannical needs of urgent every day life would cancel out addressing the important tasks on our marriage bucket lists. For example, if I want to have a closer relationship with Chuck, I need to plan ways I will cultivate that relationship, i.e. date nights, praying together every day, calling him just because. If I want to find a better way to communicate, I will plan time for communicating, study him to determine how he responds to facial expressions and tones of voice. In other words, I will be intentional. Building a strong, godly marriage requires planning, hard work, humility, planning - yes, I said planning twice!

I recently reviewed my two "bucket lists." I have one for 2009 and one for the rest of my life. I wrote about this bucket list in a previous blog post. I concluded that unless I wrote out a plan for accomplishing my goals, I would come to January, 2010, and write out the exact same list. Forcing myself to carefully consider my goals revealed that I absolutely must give up other activities if I am to be successful in experiencing the joy of successfully fulfilling these dreams.

Bucket lists are for people who recognize life is short, that at any moment, we can "kick the bucket!" We want to make sure we are using the gift of time in a way that has an eternal purpose. Making a list and checking it twice, and again and again, confronts me with choices and gives me the opportunity to decide exactly what is important enough for my time and effort.

After reviewing my lists, I am pretty sure I still want to accomplish every item, some in 2009, others before I "kick the bucket." I'm working on a plan so that I can intentionally cross off accomplished goals, one at a time. Or I can adjust the list as real life adjusts my priorities.

How about you? What's on your bucket list? And how will you make it happen?

In His Grip,
Sharon