MARKINC Ministries

Making Abundant Riches Known In the Name of Christ

Removing "Step" from "Child" at Christmas

Posted At : December 13, 2008 7:00 AM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

How do you enfold a child into your family when their heart longs for the mom who isn't there? In this post, our daughter, Heidi, shares some of her experiences in raising our grandson, Cori. Cori is now in the Navy and every time we gather as a family, we miss his presence and look forward to his return. He's a strong, young man with a bright future, deeply missed by his brothers and sisters. Perhaps Heidi's hard-learned lessons will help you avoid some of the pitfalls of raising a child whose heart belongs to another.

Removing "Step" from "Child" as Christmas
By Heidi Nequist
My experience as a step-mom has been an amazing roller coaster ride. There was so much I did wrong and so much I would change. Somehow, God's grace has covered a multitude of my mistakes. Cori was 18 months when I met my husband, Greg; so I have always been in Cori's life. Every Christmas and every other summer he would come to Delaware from the time he was three years old. "Dad" and "Heidi" went together. We hardly ever used the word "step". We were an instant family. We did the typical "shared custody" for several years. At the age of 11, he stopped visiting his mother altogether. That was when it got VERY interesting. I was no longer a "part time" Mom to Cori. I was IT. Cori even started to call me "Mom". I was battling a force much stronger than any I had ever experienced; the force of another mom, Cori's mom, in my home. The hardest times in Cori's life were the holidays. From about Halloween through Valentine's Day, Cori suffered in silence. It took us several years of changed behavior for us to figure out what the issue was. Cori missed his mom, and as hard as I tried, I didn't cut it. The tie from a child to his mother is like no other. The typical blended family rules didn't apply to us in that I wasn't "sharing" custody. But, I was definitely sharing. There were things I could have done to help Cori, and the rest of our family, through the holiday season. The sullen looks from Cori and the irritation I felt from his behavior could have been improved. People always say that Christmas is a time for children, but for a "step-child", these magical days are sometimes painful. Here are some things about Christmas with a "step-child" I wish I had learned early on. You can read Heidi's insights by visiting her blog at: http://www.heidinequist.blogspot.com/


In His Grip,
Sharon

Mothering: A Marathon, Not a Sprint

Posted At : November 18, 2008 6:50 PM | Posted By : Sharon Betters
Related Categories: Parenting

In response to a blog I wrote on Overwhelmed Young Moms, Wendy asked, "What if those overwhelming days seem to be blending into each other? I know my children are my ministry, but I really don't feel up to the job. I keep praying, but I must not be hearing God's response. He allowed me to be in this place at this time so why do I feel I can't do this?" Wendy is expressing what many mothers experience every day and I promised her I would post a response to her plea for help. Here are some of my thoughts based on my own parenting years:

  1. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Recognize that you will have bad days mixed in with good moments. After our son's kindergarten teacher saw how discouraged I was with our son's classroom behavior, she touched my shoulder, smiled and said, "This, too, shall pass!" I realized that this "bad behavior" was normal and part of my job was to help him change. And that wouldn't happen overnight.

  2. Marathon runners look forward to the cups of water offered from the sidelines. Mommies need to look for and accept cups of cold water that refresh just enough to get her through the next leg of the race. God offers us the Living Water through a personal relationship to Jesus. We find that refreshing, life-giving water in His Word. (See my article, Ancient Paths to Rest in the Feature Article Section of this website.) Before you immediately respond that an overwhelmed young mom doesn't have time to comb her hair let alone spend time in the Word, listen carefully. We do what's important to us. If we view time in the Word as critical to our sanity, we'll find time to make it happen. But here's the caution. There is no recipe or one way to cultivate intimacy with Christ. Don't pile guilt on if you can't spend an hour a day in the scriptures! As a young mom, I kept a Christian radio station on in our home and our car. Praise music was always in the background and once in a while I heard a clip of a speaker or interview that was just the right encouragement for the moment. Write out key scriptures and post them strategically around your home, at the kitchen sink, in the laundry room, on the bathroom mirror. Pray for your children before you get out of bed. Take ten minutes before your kiddies get up and read a quick devotional designed for young moms (anyone have a suggestion) or from the classics My Utmost for His Highest or Streams in the Dessert. Plan periodic times where you can spend more time in the Word, perhaps once a month or once a week. Don't miss the joy because of self-imposed guilt caused by your inability to have morning devotions every day.

  3. Look for a Titus 2 woman to be your cheerleader and help mother you. The Apostle Paul taught the young Pastor Titus to teach older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands and their children, among other things. Attend a women's Bible study and look for a prayer warrior who will pray for you and your children. If you can't find a woman like this, read books (yes, take time to read) by women you admire. As a young mom some of my mentors were women I never met, some who were no longer living on this earth. Susannah Wesley was one of them!

  4. And don't overlook the role a single woman can have in your life. Some of the best helpers with our children were young single women who loved children and they made my life richer by their insights and longing for intimacy with Christ.

  5. Make your relationship to Jesus obvious to your children by the way you pray with them throughout the day, perhaps praying for the person in the rushing ambulance or the family next door or for daddy at work. Talk to Jesus as though He is right there, because He is.

How about it, girls? How would you answer Wendy's plea for tips on building confidence as a mommy?


In His grip,
Sharon

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