Leaning Into the Pain of Christmas Grief
Related Categories: Grief,Christmas
Well, here we are. Christmas Day. If you are in deep grief, this moment confronts you with a hard choice, a choice that you must make within the context of your own circumstances. Perhaps you've already decided to avoid
For wisdom in making daily choices in this foreign land of grief, we eavesdrop on an ancient conversation. It's in this verbal exchange that God gives the mother of all gifts to Abraham and everyone in Abraham's family (which includes you if you are a child of God). To begin to understand the deep emotion of this moment, reach back into your own treasure chest of memories and recollect the delight and joy you experienced when you gave your loved one a priceless gift. That's how we imagine God felt when Abraham began unwrapping this precious gift placed in his hands by the very heart of God. Abraham was not seeking God and we think he was a moon worshipper. In this unique conversation (Genesis 12:1-3) God says (my translation), "Abraham, you're my child now. I chose you. From this moment on, I am binding you to me, I will walk with you. As we walk through life together, I will teach you what it means to be my child. When you are faced with difficult choices and painful circumstances, remember this. I am with you always. I will bless you. You in turn will be a blessing to others. Through you I am creating a community, a family with more people than you can count. You will be a blessing to others and this covenant community will be a blessing to many because of my Presence."
So what does this have to do with my life choices? Or what to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Sharon often said that when Mark went to heaven, he took her mind with him. She couldn't think straight and to this day admits she has trouble making quick decisions. But God did not leave either of us without a grid through which to push life decisions. In Galatians Paul declares, "If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."
Our decisions start with this truth: I belong to Christ. That makes me Abraham's seed which means I am part of the fulfillment of God's promise to build a huge family from the seed of Abraham. Therefore, the same promises He made to Abraham are part of my eternal inheritance. Every promise God made to Abraham belongs to me and to you if you know Jesus as your Savior. What are those promises? God promises me His Presence, that He will bless me, that I am part of a covenant community (spiritual family). It's in that family that I will experience blessings and learn how to be a blessing. Because of these promises, we look forward to being with our church family on Christmas Eve and family on Christmas Day. We know that being with them will nourish our souls and encourage us to believe that God is sovereign and we can trust Him. It's because of God's promise to make me a blessing to others that we choose to celebrate Christmas with loved ones rather than isolate ourselves in sorrow. These choices are sometimes difficult when our spirits are overcome by longing for Mark, but choosing to walk by faith in these moments often soothes our souls and supernaturally restores our hearts.
Stop for a moment and let this truth sink in. In the middle of your deep grief, daughter or son of the King, when you are so afraid of the future that you can barely breathe, so terrified of another phone call or knock on the door that could change your life forever, listen to the words God speaks to you through the promises to Abraham. Trace this promise throughout scripture:
Isaac, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Jacob, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Joshua, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Gideon, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Jeremiah, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Paul, do not be afraid, I will be with you.
And Jesus to His disciples as He descended into heaven,
Do not be afraid, I will be with you.
Each one of these individuals had genuine reason to be
The book of Hebrews was written to frightened believers who were ready to give up. The writer uses every truth possible to encourage them to trust God with the unknown and in the last chapter he proclaims,
God Himself has said, 'I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any way or degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down, relax my hold on you. Assuredly not! (Hebrews 13:5, Amplified)
However you are spending Christmas, set aside time to reflect on this great gift of Christmas Presence. Ponder that first Christmas, the joy God experienced when He unveiled the fulfillment of His promise to Abraham, when He wrapped up His Son in the package of human flesh and delivered Him through the body of a young girl. And realize that He was thinking of how much you would need the reality of His Presence as you walked by faith in the Land of Grief. Give yourself permission to laugh, to share memories. Lean into the pain of grief and as you weep, listen for the whisper of God,
We also encourage you to visit the website of Griefshare where you will find more articles on Surviving the Holidays. This is one of the best sites we have found for grieving families: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/#articles
With much love to all,
Chuck and Sharon Betters
was seen and heard yelling at his daughter, an Evangelical, as he stormed out of the church for her listening to this "heresy" while another former Catholic wrote to tell me how blessed she was and how informative the sermons have been. Several Catholics admitted they have never understood the full meaning of the Immaculate Conception or the far-reaching implications of calling Mary the Mother of God. 
experienced the same life journey. Some of my fondest childhood memories of Christmas include singing in the boys choir at Christmas Eve Mass. God used this upbringing to soften my heart toward Jesus as my personal Savior and my rich religious heritage is precious to me. For some time after I was converted I did not give up my belief in many of the Catholic doctrines concerning Mary. It was a tough emotional struggle. But I simply could not justify believing in doctrines that could not be supported by the Word of God. Not long after acknowledging Christ as my Savior and personal Redeemer, I concluded I had to leave the Catholic Church. My extended family treated me cruelly, even blaming me for my father's premature death. They called me everything from an atheist to a Jehovah's Witness. My wife was blamed for leading me "astray." We were cursed at and assured we were heading straight for hell fire. Of course, this saddened me. As I matured in my own faith, I committed myself to demonstrating kindness and love toward those who disagree with me. I hope that commitment is clear in my present series, Ave Maria.
saved by grace alone), sola fide (through faith alone), and sola scriptura (the scriptures alone are the Word of God).
in Christ Jesus unto good works." As far as the world is concerned, their identity seems to be wrapped up in their 401 K plans as part of this great American dream. Many of us have lost any hope of retiring when we thought we would or could. Yet, God has not called us to ever retire from kingdom business. For the true believer there is no such thing as retirement even after we die. Did God not promise - "well done thou good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over little and now I will make you ruler over much." Simply put, there is no retirement even after death. 
already escalated. Many of those terrorist leaders endorsed Obama during the campaign. They are now disturbed that Obama appointed a Jew, a flaming liberal, Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel, as his chief of staff. The honeymoon is over before it started. Obama will be tested in his naïveté concerning Palestinian Hamas, Hezbollah, Iran, Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and Vladimir Putin.
However, I believe more in a sovereign God who can be trusted. He is the blessed controller of all things and He will have the last say. 
On and on I could go. I wish I had a better slate to choose from. But I do not. You will notice one thing I did not mention - their race. I did not say one man is black and the other man is white. This is without a doubt a great moment in American history. It is historic and long overdue. But WITHOUT A DOUBT WE SHOULD NOT VOTE FOR A MAN BECAUSE OF HIS RACE. Our vote needs to be cast on the issues. As Christians, we need to examine each man's world-view and position on issues that are critical to us. His race should have no bearing, nada, zippo, nothing.
I believe either man would make a great president - FOR HIS OWN CONSTITUENTS. But with either man's election this country will continue to be divided and confused. There is too much hate in Washington. There are too many closet bigots who would never vote for a black man simply because he is black. There are too many socialists who would never vote for a man who is a friend of big business. There are too many pro-abortionists who could never support McCain or especially Palin. There are too many pro-lifers who could never support Obama and especially Biden. There is enough difference between these two men for either man to unite a nation.
Whether or not the press reports accurately reflected Wright's views I will leave for others to decide. I have my own opinions. Liberation theology is fraught with error. But, one can hardly deny the good social works of Rev. Wright and the influence he had on Obama and his world-view. That is why I do appreciate what John McCain's pastor, Dan Yeary, of the North Phoenix Baptist Church had to say when asked about Wright's sermons: 
to overstate because our passion is so intense. But I thought Obama did a fine job in response. He preserved his friendship with his pastor while disagreeing with him." I agree although it took Obama 22 years to distance himself from Wright. Be that as it may, that issue has been cooked and there is no more of it to eat. 
made Shakespeare come alive. He used his classroom as not only a way to teach English, but also to teach values, and standards, and morals. Mr. Ravenel was so admirable you wanted to be like him. He was one of the few people at school to whom I confided that I was bound for the Academy and a Navy career, and to whom I confided my reservations about my destiny...I have never forgotten the confidence his praise gave me. Years later, during the time I was imprisoned in Vietnam, I thought about Mr. Ravenel a lot. He was the one who reinforced in me the standards of honorable behavior. I thought about the fact that Mr. Ravenel had been in combat in World War II and thus had a feel for what I was involved in...After I returned home, Mr. Ravenel was the only person outside of my family who I wanted to see, because his approval or disapproval of me was probably more important than anyone else in my life, outside of my father. I felt he was someone to whom I could explain what happened to me, and who would understand...I regret that I was never able to pay him that tribute. Upon return I found that my mentor had passed on. Mr. Ravenel had died of a heart attack two years before my release from prison. He lived for only 53 years. His early death was a great loss to his family, 
friends, and students, and to everyone who had been blessed with his company; a loss I found difficult to accept...I knew that Mr. Ravenel had a great impact on me. But I don't think I really understood how deeply he impacted me until I was in prison, because it was his example I looked to when I was tempted to do something which was less than honorable."
financial institutions who have sent this economy into near oblivion while their CEOs walk off with gazillion dollar bonuses. I do not know how it will turn out but there are certain things of which I am very sure. We are reaping what we have sown as a nation. This bailout will likely be successful but short-lived. As a nation we have been fighting a culture war for almost two generations. 
decade and a half to make organized religion one of my favorite targets. I often explained to people, 'I don't need to make fun of religion, it makes fun of itself.' And, then I go ahead and make fun of it too, just for laughs. With religious fanatics like George Bush and Osama bin Laden now taking over the world, it seemed to me in recent years that this issue -- this cause of debunking the man behind the curtain -- needed to have a larger, more insistent and focused forum than late night television. I wanted to make a documentary, and I wanted it to be funny. In fact, since there is nothing more ridiculous than the ancient mythological stories that live on as today's religions, this movie would try to be a real knee slapper. Unless, of course, you're religious, then you might not like it."
everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. 
and guides a younger, less experienced person. For over twenty years, Barak Obama sat under the preaching and leadership of his pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright. If we assume that the Obama family attended church regularly, they listened to the preaching and teaching of this man many, many times. He had a personal stake in the Obama family through his involvement in their personal lives. All of us have listened to his sermons. They have been played by the media ad nauseam and most people have been appalled by the hatred and poison that spews out of this man's lips. It is improbable that this minister just began preaching this volatile message of hatred against America and white people. But do you know who Wright's mentor is and who it is that shaped his world view? From where did this message come? Until recently, the book written by Obama's mentor's mentor was required reading for people who wished to become members of Wright's and Obama's church. It was the basic text that framed the theology of Obama's mentor. 
Power. This book shaped much of the theology of the black church for years and continues to do so. It has become known as Black Liberation Theology. It owes its beginnings to political revolutionaries like Stokely Carmichael, Malcolm X, and Franz Fanon. Fanon wrote in his book, The Wretched of the Earth, "The colonized man finds his freedom in and through violence." Cone admired Dr. King but grew weary of his peace movement when he said, "One cannot help but think that most whites loved Martin Luther King Jr., not because of his attempt to free his people, but because his approach was the least threatening to the white power structure."
any statement that disparages our great country or serves to divide us from our allies. I also believe that words that degrade individuals have no place in our public dialogue, whether it's on the campaign stump or in the pulpit. In sum, I reject outright the statements by Rev. Wright that are at issue."
Christianity in particular, are caught up in the sensationalism. We love it when Christian authors are successful and rightly so. We then refer our friends to the "new book that has changed my life." Let me be specific. A few years ago many raided the Christian book stores to buy "This Present Darkness," a fictional story of demonism. The problem was that many believers then developed their demonology out of what Peritti wrote rather than what the scriptures teach on this critical subject. We did the same thing with the "Prayer of Jabez" phenomenon by developing a theology of prayer out of a terrible misinterpretation of one verse of scripture - and, what about the "Left Behind" series of books and movies that are rooted in false eschatology? And do you remember the book written by a Mormon woman who claimed to have an out of the body experience and visited heaven? I could go on and on.
when you hear the pro-death pundits tugging on your emotional core, don't fall for it. It is a façade for a woman's right to selfishly kill. 
Personally, my issues that will affect my vote are three-fold: First, what kind of Supreme Court justices will each candidate appoint? Will he appoint justices who legislate from the bench or strict constitutionalists? If it is the latter I will consider voting for him. Second, which candidate will best protect its citizenry from harm? Third, which candidate will best punish wrongdoers? And undergirding all of these issues is the question of character tested in the fires of every day life. Through what worldview does the candidate push all decisions, both personal and public? How have they revealed their character by their lifestyle and choices?