Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5, 6)

My little first grader sobbed so hard she couldn’t get her breath. My heart was breaking in two as I cradled her in my arms and thought I would lose my mind as I soaked up her pain. Her third grade sister began to cry for her and grabbed me around my neck from behind as I sat with them on their bed.

My mind reeled with unspoken words as I lovingly rubbed their backs and smoothed their matted hair away from their innocent faces wet with mournful tears. Wracked with grief, I pleaded with God for His wisdom and guidance, knowing I could never make sense out of our situation, let alone help them. Helplessness overwhelmed me.

Our little terrier joined us in my bed and they finally found peace in sleep. I lay awake burdened by their heartache as I wondered again how my husband could leave the childhood sweetheart he had sworn to love always. Our marriage, sweet little girls, and dear little home on the Bohemia River, were not enough to keep him from the lifestyle he had chosen. I felt stupid for not sensing any evidence of his secret lifestyle. I cursed myself for being the doormat my friends had found so distasteful in me. Surely if I was just a little smarter I could have prevented this divorce from happening. What a laughingstock I had made of myself! What would the ladies in my small group Bible study think of their leader now? I asked myself all kinds of questions including how this disruption in our family would affect my children, now, and as they grew to maturity. What were they thinking about their mommy and daddy living separately? How would this disunity affect them in the kind of men they became friends with, dated, and chose for a husband?

Our little terrier joined us in my bed and they finally found peace in sleep. I lay awake burdened by their heartache as I wondered again how my husband could leave the childhood sweetheart he had sworn to love always. Our marriage, sweet little girls, and dear little home on the Bohemia River, were not enough to keep him from the lifestyle he had chosen. I felt stupid for not sensing any evidence of his secret lifestyle. I cursed myself for being the doormat my friends had found so distasteful in me. Surely if I was just a little smarter I could have prevented this divorce from happening. What a laughingstock I had made of myself! What would the ladies in my small group Bible study think of their leader now? I asked myself all kinds of questions including how this disruption in our family would affect my children, now, and as they grew to maturity. What were they thinking about their mommy and daddy living separately? How would this disunity affect them in the kind of men they became friends with, dated, and chose for a husband?

I clung to God as I slept to give me relief from the knowledge of my circumstance. As I awoke each morning to the reality of our family in ruin and shame, I sought God out to give me the strength I needed for the day. Sometimes I didn’t dress for the day until the children were about ready to come home from school. The only way I could learn to be strong for them was to spend the day seeking God’s face. I crawled my way through heavy mire that had accumulated in 24 years, and I funneled it through God’s word, kneeling in contriteness beside my bed in prayer, and walking the floor in conversation with God. I made myself do positive, productive things like digging in my flower beds, only to be reduced to tears that watered the ground that I was digging in, asking what good purpose this divorce would bring for my children. I depended on God to give me the sound mind he promises us in 2 Timothy 1:7. To keep my mind and emotions out of the depths of hell, I played Christian music, and listened to Christian radio, wrote down hymns like “Be Still My Soul” and “It is Well with My Soul” on scraps of paper and kept them close so I could read them over and over again. I fought for my sanity.

When questions gnawed at me until I couldn’t stand it any more, I called my good Christian friend. The Holy Spirit gave her the strength to lead me back to thoughts and a mindset that reminded me that God had not forsaken me because of my mistakes and the things I had done wrong in the relationship that drove my husband away from me. She reassured me that guilt and shame would not always be my constant companions, and encouraged me to believe that God certainly did hear my prayers as I asked him for forgiveness. She told me that though I couldn’t foresee the future through the upheaval that was clouding my vision, that the open wounds would close and God would bring such a healing that I wouldn’t even be able to see a scar.

I learned to put the armor of God on daily. As I prayed through Ephesians 6:10-19, I began to mentally and prayerfully dress myself in this manner each morning as I prepared for the day. Courage returned where once I was indecisive. I began to notice my thoughts became clearer, my mind was beginning to take a sharp biblical viewpoint, and my decisions were based on the integrity of what I had been learning from God as he took me through chapters and books of the Bible that spoke to values I wanted for myself and my children. God was showing me I was a woman whose faith would not be moved though the trial I was experiencing was more than I could bear.

In all my mistakes and ignorance, God never left my side and proved His promise He would never leave me or forsake me. As time wore on, the children began to feel a peace in our home that had never been there in the past. They watched over me as I watched over them. As they would play around the neighborhood they would come home earlier than had been arranged to check in on me. God provided neighbors each side of me to care for me physically and mentor me by teaching me to react to situations with logical responses vs. emotional responses I needed to make for our family. God was always with us. His reminder of the words of old hymns I had sung in church when I was a teenager taught me to believe that I really mattered to him. God redirected my thinking and gave me hope that we would survive this horrible situation. He was rebuilding our home through the power of the Holy Spirit, not just in name, but in the depths of what I believed about Him.

My days slowly became fruitful. I discovered bents and abilities I didn’t know I had. God expanded me in many directions at once, and I reveled in the open doors of opportunity.

My children joked with me about finding another husband but that was out of the question. I had no desire for any male companionship except in public settings. When I shared this with my Christian friend, she said that when God was ready to open that door again, He was perfectly capable of bringing the right gentleman up to the counter of the video store in which I worked. We laughed companionably. Next month I’ll tell you why I think God must have laughed, too!

Remember to stop by next month to read “the rest of the story” when Bev explains how God lovingly reconstructed her memories into useable illustrations that display His complete trustworthiness to His children.

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