Grief(s):
Sometimes I feel so insecure and threatened by my husband when his loss of self control results in irrational behavior that leads to physical/emotional abuse. What can you suggest I do to restore safety to the atmosphere in our home when this happens?

Response:
This is a very difficult situation. Consider the following:

• I need to quietly trust God and not fear my “enemies.” Though your husband would not normally be considered your enemy, in this situation, apply I Peter 3:13-15a that says, “Who will harm you if you are eager to do good. But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.”
• Spiritual persecution is a result of living with an unbeliever. Since God is Sovereign, He is in control of all events. When He rules our thoughts and emotions, we cannot be shaken by anything our enemies may do.
• It is the responsibility of a godly woman to determine the extent of the behavior honestly, and regardless of what causes the behavior, (an outside source, as alcohol, drugs, etc.) that results in bodily harm and damage to another, you must address it. There is never, never a reason for a man to abuse a woman. (And likewise, there is never, never a reason for a woman to abuse a man.) Never. In the case of real genuine physical or sexual abuse, contact legal authorities, church, advocate(s), etc. If the situation is life threatening, leave your home temporarily until you can get help.

Abusive marriage relationships are not new and we can learn from two spiritual sisters from long ago. Abigail and Esther were quite familiar with violence. Yet God used their life journeys to develop their relationship with Him, and honed their skills and accomplishments to reap good consequences from bad situations.

Abigail’s story is in I Samuel 25:1-38, chapter 39 and II Samuel 2. Abigal was married to a surly, mean man, Nabal. Yet she honored her husband by maintaining her beauty, managing his wealth, and abiding his miserable disposition, fits of drunkenness, and bad decisions that reflected on the entire household.

In spite of his shortcomings, Nabal’s household did what they could to keep him out of trouble. Abigail must have inspired this loyalty. (Consider the impact of your response to a difficult husband. Is there a way to encourage your children to still honor him?) Although her culture and her husband placed a low value on her, she made the most of her skills and opportunities. David, though disappointed in Nabal’s misdealings in David’s transactions, was impressed with Abigail’s intelligence and tact in deflecting David’s anger over Nabal’s bad judgment in providing for his men. By her swift action and skillful negotiation, she kept David from taking vengeance upon Nabal . When Nabal died, David was so impressed with her abilities and godly intuition to weigh the affects of a situation long range, that he took her for his wife.

Abigail was a courageous woman who realized that tough situations can bring out the best in people. She was an effective counselor to both of the men in her life, working hard to prevent them from making rash moves, leaving plenty of room for God to get involved. She relied on God’s timing, simply and wisely, working obediently behind the scenes with her husband’s staff, honoring God in all she said and did. God was with her, and she trusted Him with all of life’s challenges.

Do you, like Abigail, look beyond the present crisis to the big picture? Do you have a life verse, a key scripture from His Word, that directs you to Him, automatically, when faced with decisions? Proverbs 3:5-6 is a good start. Do you use your skills to promote peace? Are you loyal without being blind? What challenge or responsibility do you face today that needs you to be a person under God’s control? Reading and applying God’s word will equip you to wisely use the strengths and accomplishments God has given you, and will yield a harvest of abundant goodwill and understanding between you and your husband. God’s Word says in Proverbs 16:7, When a man’s [or woman’s] ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes his [her] enemies live at peace with him [her].

Affirm:

Perhaps you have been mistreated and you are depressed over your situation. Consider this passage:

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 6:7-9

Connect:

We treasure security, even though we know that security in this life carries no guarantees—possessions can be destroyed, beauty fades, relationships can be broken, death is inevitable. Real security, then, must be found beyond this life. Only when our security rests on God and his unchanging nature can we face the challenges that life is sure to bring our way.

Esther’s beauty and character won Xerxes’ heart, and he made her his queen (Esther 4:11-5:8). Even in her favored position, however, she risked her life by attempting to see the king when he had not requested her presence. Esther’s Uncle Mordecai’s words convinced her that she had to act: “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this.” Esther 4:14

Cautiously and courageously, and with detailed planning, Esther decided to risk her life by approaching the king on behalf of her people. She asked the Jews to fast and pray with her before she went to the king. On the chosen day she went before him, and he gave her permission to speak. Instead of issuing her request directly, she invited him and Haman to a banquet. He was astute enough to realize she had something on her mind, yet she conveyed the importance of the matter by insisting on a second banquet.

In the meantime, our Sovereign God was working behind the scenes. He caused Xerxes to read the historical records of the kingdom late one night, and the king discovered that Moredcai had once saved his life. Xerxes lost no time in honoring Mordecai for that act. During the second banquet, Esther told the king of Haman’s plot against the Jews, and Haman was doomed. There is grim justice in Haman’s death on the gallows he had built for Mordecai, and it seems fitting that the day on which the Jews were to be slaughtered became the day their enemies died.

By using her beauty and character she won the heart of Persia’s king; she combined courage with careful planning and was open to advice and willing to risk the king’s disfavor, because she was more concerned for others than for her own security. Esther’s risk confirmed that God was the source of her security.

By using her beauty and character she won the heart of Persia’s king; she combined courage with careful planning and was open to advice and willing to risk the king’s disfavor, because she was more concerned for others than for her own security. Esther’s risk confirmed that God was the source of her security.

Equip:

Serving God often demands that we are risk-taking disciples. (Again, do not interpret this to mean God requires you to submit to physical abuse.) Esther said:

“Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day, I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.” Esther 4:16

God has a purpose for the situations in which he places us. But our hearts must always be submitted to His character and our actions must reveal His heart. When you confront abuse, do so with a heart of love, kindness, gentleness but also a spine of steel. No matter what angry, abusive words are thrown your way, always remember that when you know Christ, you are a daughter of the King – a princess. That truth translates into strength and confidence. However, courage does not replace careful planning, and faithful obedience to God’s omniscient instructions to us from His Word are for our ultimate good. If this abuse is typical behavior, regularly start you day by asking God to give you His heart and His wisdom in the way that you respond. Ask a trusted friend to pray for you to reflect Christ. Formulate a plan for the next time, practice how you will respond. But also prayerfully consider talking through this issue with your husband during a quiet time (ala Esther and the king). Explain how hurtful his behavior is and that to avoid a confrontation, you will leave the room the next time he starts berating or abusing you. Again, if there is physical abuse, you must protect yourself and your children.

Jill Briscoe states in Women in the Life of Jesus on page 25 “Sorrowing Women:"

 “There is an especially sharp sort of loneliness experienced only by those women who lie next to a man at night who doesn’t know the Christ they know in a personal way.”

God’s promise to you is Revelation 21:4:

 “He will wipe away every tear from your eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

God cares for sorrowing women and promises that one day the sorrow of loneliness will pass away forever.

G.R.A.C.E. Gem: This prayer is for you, from Jill’s book mentioned above:

“Tender Jesus, caring for the ones who care not anymore—
For those beaten by circumstances and driven by sorrow
To believe they are low,
Bereft of a reason to serve.
Tender Jesus, moved with compassion for the sorrowing—
Meet us in our tears, dry our eyes and show us our duty:
Service that chases loneliness into the bosom of His love.
Tender Jesus, teach us the perseverance of prayer in the face of a silent heaven.
See us—women in Your life—
Sorrowing women who would see You smile
Feel Your hand of blessing
Touching awake faith in a Father who cares,
A Father who will never reject us.
Thank you, God,
Thank you, Jesus,
Thank you, Holy Spirit, for your love.
Amen.”

Was this article helpful? Please share with us how God is using this site to encourage you.

 _________________________________________________________________________________ Editor's Note: This is a very difficult topic and hard to address in one article. For a deeper study, we recommend Heart to Heart about Men, Words of Encouragmenet for Women of Integrity, by Nancy Groom, Navpress.

This message is not meant to serve as or supplant personal counseling. Neither Dr. Betters nor MARK INC Ministries, its employees, directors, or volunteers will be held responsible for the inquirer's interpretation and application of the contents of this article.