Grief(s):
A Christian woman asked me, “How can I respect my husband when he embarrasses me in public?”

Response:
Let’s take a look at the word respect. According to Webster’s dictionary it means “to consider worthy of high regard, to esteem, to regard highly, and to recognize the worth of a person.” It’s difficult to respect someone who doesn’t hold you in high regard or to esteem – or whose words appear to diminish your worth. You have the choice to let such words fester and root, to conclude that your husband did not intentionally hurt you and to talk through your feelings, or to decide your husband made a social mistake and it’s not worth pursuing.

The root problem in this situation appears to be communication. To deal honestly with it requires getting to the truth of the circumstances.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What was said, or done?
• Define the situation, gather the facts.
• Why were you embarrassed?
• Is there any truth in what happened in his words?
• What was his intention?
• Evaluate the circumstance, and put it into context. Are there extenuating circumstances on your side or on his side that are contributing to the distress of the situation?
• Is he taking advantage of a public setting to express buried feelings that he’s fearful to admit privately because of your previous responses to such feelings?

Are you feeling hurt because of:

• Conviction – you made a sinful choice and are suffering the consequences.
• Persecution – suffering for your lifestyle choice, or suffering for Christ…1 Peter 4:2-9, Luke 6:33
• Ignorance – not knowing a better way. Titus 2:1-8. Spiritual insight that comes to the believer from the promised Holy Spirit is to convict, challenge or change. To the spiritually blind, the things of God are not understandable. Perhaps this is an opportunity for God to manifest His glory through you.

Do not immediately react. Take the time to think through the action, remembering the wisdom of James 1:19 to be slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to become angry.

Affirm:

Inhale God’s Grace. Jesus’ example to us teaches us a constant mindset of servanthood. Love is not a feeling, it is a command. In the process of building a relationship with your husband, pick your battles carefully. Your response needs to be rooted in what is best for him, including confronting his hurtful words. This is only possible through the mercy and grace of God, since situations like this are sometimes beyond our human ability. God alone can minister to the deep needs of your heart. Be sure you are not expecting your husband to fill a need that only God can fill. Oswald Chambers wrote in the devotional book, My Utmost for His Highest that Character is not developed by calculated actions but true character is shown in the knee-jerk reaction.

Hmmmm…..ask yourself, what does my knee jerk reaction to my husband’s words reveal about my own heart?

With that in mind, ask yourself:
“Is this something I need to pursue, or is this something I need to take to the Lord?” See Proverbs 3:5-6; Col. 4:2-6; Psalm 19:14

Connect:

If you need to confront your husband, then consider using the following guidelines:

• Be mutually open and honest (Eph 4:25, 1 John 1:7-10) If not, unresolved issues will form an invisible barrier between you and your husband. (Eph 4:26,27)
• Cover, disregard, forgive or forget (1 Peter 4:8, Prov 10:21, 1 Cor 13:5-7)
• Face the issue boldly and lovingly, so as not to bring disgrace on Christ.

Ask yourself:

• Am I over reacting? Is it true, are all the facts on the table…Eph 4:29, Prov 18:13
• Is it profitable? Help or hurt, be constructive or destructive…Prov 20:15, Eph 4:29, Rom 15:1-3
• Is the timing right…now or later…Prov 15:23, 28, 25:11, 12
• How’s my attitude? Eph 4:15, 32, I Cor 16:14, Titus 3:1-2
  Should I write out what I say before I say it? Prov 12:25, 15:1, 23, 16:23, Eccle. 12:10
• Have I prayed fervently…Prov 3:5,6, Col. 4:2-6, Psalm 19:14

Exercising self-control is the hardest gift of the Holy Spirit to demonstrate, yet the most rewarding when God is glorified in the situation.

• Use correct speech Prov 12:18, 16:27, James 3:5-8
• Control yourself when you are tempted to be silent, and clam up, withdrawing yourself.
• Don’t use crocodile tears or manipulative tears. These are used when someone feels they have been hurt, suffered the disapproval of someone, or in the middle of conflict. These clog the circuits of good communication.

Have a charitable, forbearing and accepting spirit

• Eph 4:29-32 – Having good speech. Put off unlovely actions and put on actions that are good, helpful, kind, understanding. When a wife provides an atmosphere of acceptance, the husband has less reason for pretense or putting on a false front. He knows his wife is for him, and will help him rather than judge or condemn him.
• Eph 4:2 - Encourage an attitude of complete commitment, loyalty, fidelity, sensitivity, and unselfishness to the other person. Having love for the other person according to 1 Cor. 13 (bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love that has the other persons interest at heart)

Equip:
Speak to each other considerately. Refuse to think about anything else as you exercise listening to each other. Refuse the urge to interrupt when the other is speaking. Give your husband your undivided attention, and try to comprehend the situation from his point of view. Use phrases like, “When this happened it made me feel”, or “Have I done something to upset you?” or “Can we talk?”. Setting aside time (couch time involving only the two of you, no TV, radio, kids, neighbors, friends. Turn off the cell phone and let the answering machine on your phone record a message if it rings…guard this time jealously!)once a week to talk about general things will become a solid foundation for sharing that you will each look forward to. Then, when sensitive issues arise, the foundation for sharing is already in place. Lam. 3:23, John 8:32

G.R.A.C.E. Gem: “God is the Master Engineer. He allows the difficulties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly – ‘By My God have I leaped over a wall.’ God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. Peter says, “Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you.” Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Himself in your mortal flesh. ”Devotional Book, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, May 15, “The Habit of Rising to the Occasion”.

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