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I was addicted to pornography for over twenty years. Even after I knew it was wrong, for months I kept it on my computer. I read your message on true repentance, Tom's Story, for Tuesday, March 1 at Oneplace.com. His story is mine. My pathway of deliverance is an arduous process of correction, accountability, Bible studies, surrender, tears, more surrender, daily Bible reading, and repeated prayers for forgiveness. My marriage is over and my children are a mess. Though my wife wants a divorce, I want to reconcile and have confessed all of my sins to her. But she's finished with me. Where do I go from here?
- John

Pastor Betters responds:

Dear John,

Life addictions are painful to extract. And they are not without the devastation they leave in their wake. As believers we must be aware of the fact that sin can be forgiven vertically, that is, in terms of our relationship with Christ. He even promises to remove the guilt of the sin. But nowhere are we promised that the effects of our sins horizontally will be eliminated along with Christ's forgiveness. We must bear those consequences sometimes over the course of our entire life. These kinds of sexual sins create a monster of distrust that often results in divorce, loss of integrity, and the loss of honor. Read Proverbs 5 and Proverbs 7 for a review of these dire consequences.

Having said that the question remains, "Can God's grace empower us to overcome these deeply entrenched life-dominating sins?" Can God bring about forgiveness and reconciliation with the offended party?" Of course He can and often does. But both parties must be willing to give God that opportunity to do so. Both parties must begin by making full confession of all sin and seeking forgiveness with a devout commitment to repent and renew.

Remember, a liar is still a liar even though he quits lying until he begins to tell the truth. A thief is still a thief even though he quits stealing until he begins to give away to others. Likewise an adulterer (that is what pornography is) is still an adulterer even though he quits looking at porn until he returns to his wife. That is, repentance is a two-factored process, one must put off the ungodly behavior and put on a Christ-like quality to replace the evil (see Colossians 3 ).

Biblical counsel will proceed from this attitude of repentance with scripture meditation, personal accountability, and intense behavior modification. The starting point is the truth, all of the truth, regardless of how painful, laid out on the table for all involved to see. This should be done only in Biblical counseling with a true Biblical counselor. It will take time, perhaps years to extract the tendencies that led to the addiction. There will be set backs and even anger. But with patient and loving help all affected parties can see God "restore the years the locust has eaten."

In His Grip,
Dr. Chuck Betters

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