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My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness inside the plush adult club. I had driven fifty miles out of state to hide my shameful deed. I was acting as if I were not married, not a father, not a Christian, not a pastor -–but I was all of those things. Every time I entered a dark and evil place like this one, I was sick with remorse and guilt, but at the same time the sinful desires of my own heart had me in a kind of death grip. I could not break free; I just could not. For thirty-five years, I remained deeply involved with various forms of pornography.

My family, of course, knew nothing about my life-dominating love of pornography. I had convinced myself I could remain close to God, my wife, my children, and other Christians, all without every letting go of my secret sin. What a fool I was! Those living in my house began to realize that something was wrong, that my outward, spiritual façade was nothing but a sham. Finally, hesitantly, my son and daughter asked me to spend a weekend alone with God to discover why I was so half-hearted toward Him – and them. I knew their suggestion made sense, offering a possible lifeline out of the muck and garbage of my secret life.

I realized during that weekend that I would never overcome this sin by myself, in my own strength. I also knew that I was going to have to confess my sin to the people I had betrayed, especially my life. Layer by ugly layer, God showed me the utter deceitfulness of my own wicked heart. I had robbed God of the glory due His name. I had robbed my family of the godly husband and father they deserved. And I had robbed myself of my own identity, squandering m life, my strength, and the sense of fulfillment that comes with serving God faithfully. Until that weekend, I had never been entirely open and repentant before God without dodging the real issue of making excuses for my sin, as though I could somehow "hide" form Him what I was doing.

My sin was a monstrous stumbling block in our marriage. Before I repented, I could not have real intimacy with my wife because I was so consumed by my own sin. Instead of loving her with the love of Christ (Ephesians 5:25), I condemned and criticized and crushed her spirit. I couldn't really see her, nor would I let her get near enough to see the real me. I effectively kept her out, successfully fighting off every attempt she made to "connect" with me.

When I returned from my life-changing weekend, I was forced to confront my deepest fear that she would leave me after I* confessed to her. Only God's gracious mercy could prepare her to hear the terrible things I had to tell her. Only in His strength could we ever recover what my involvement in pornography had stolen form us.

Pornography is not a victimless act. It is an affair of the mind that compromises and damages everyone involved; it also deadens and destroys the God-created, God-honoring desire we should have to love other people more than ourselves. God, in His mercy, has broken its stranglehold on my soul, but now the work of restoring relationship with those I love looms before me.

Ephesians 4:17-5:21 spells out God's specific strategy for building homes that will display His redeeming love to fellow broken believers. God mercifully gave my wife the willingness to forgive me and to welcome me back into her life as her best friend. Every day *I am learning how to put off the ravages of a thirty-five-year pattern of sin and put on instead the strength and righteousness of God. I will never be the same as a result of God's purifying work through His Word.

I have learned through painful and difficult personal experience that sin is life-destroying and that there is only one way to break its hold; through sincere repentance. Biblically defined, such repentance involves change that puts off the sin habit and puts on holiness (Colossians 3). It's been a difficult, pain-filled road for me and my family but one that, finally, has led form darkness to light, back into the joy of being in His presence.

I have also learned, however, that when Jesus sets you free, "you will be free indeed" (John 8:36).

*A Pseudonym
Excerpted from Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God's Promises, pages 29-31.