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It was August 2001 and the girls were almost 2 and 3.  We were blessed to have these girls and I would soon fully realize the magnitude of that blessing.  Our first pregnancy in 1997 was a tubal pregnancy and after emergency surgery, the doctor told my husband Brian that the tube had ruptured and he was fortunate I was alive. 

Within three months we were expecting again and in the subsequent two years, we had two little girls fourteen months apart.  Life was busy, life was full. 
I desired to have four children so when we found out we were expecting again we began to get excited and build dreams for this next baby.  When we reached the 10th week and had just begun to tell family and friends, I went to the doctor and they could not hear the baby’s heartbeat.  I was sent for an ultrasound.  The tech wouldn’t tell us a thing or show us the screen.  This was very frustrating for me because at that time I was working at a Pregnancy Center doing ultrasounds on clients for early pregnancy confirmation.  I was able to show these girls pictures of their babies…  Consequently, I knew what our baby should look like at 10 weeks.  I had been taught that if there was anything of concern I should present all the information and to assist in helping the client to prepare for the situation.  Now it was happening to us and I knew…  I knew that the doctor’s phone call would tell us the baby was dead. 

A week later, just before 9/11, I had a D&C.  My husband waited for me while I went in for another surgery… another time to leave the hospital without our baby.  While I was in surgery, Brian visited the gift shop to buy us a teddy bear.  After our tubal pregnancy, he had bought one there also and now we would have two to sit in our room and represent these two children we had lost.

While we were dealing with our loss, the doctors were following my hcG levels.  This is the pregnancy hormone you produce that usually confirms pregnancy.  For me, they were watching to make sure those levels were declining in order to ensure they had evacuated all the fetal tissue when they had done the D&C.  In the middle of October the doctor called…at this point the number should have been almost down to zero…but the doctor asked, if I might be pregnant?  My response was laughter.  He indicated that the number had increased.  A week later following more blood work my doctor confirmed that I was pregnant again. 

This was a huge shock. Emotionally I was not prepared to be pregnant again.  After another week or two I had accepted this huge announcement and began to get excited for another little one.  The following week I began spotting, bleeding, cramping and more bleeding.  There wasn’t anything they could do and by the time the weekend was over so was our 5th pregnancy.  I was not only extremely disappointed but also angry.  I remember crying out to the Lord, “I didn’t want to be pregnant again so soon, why, Lord?  Why again?”  Both Brian and I shut down; we didn’t really even talk about it. 

A week later our women’s group went to Sandy Cove Bible Conference in Northeast, Maryland,  for a ladies’ retreat.  Even though I wasn’t emotionally feeling up to it, I was the coordinator and contact person so I felt I had to attend.  Saturday afternoon we went out on our own to read over a passage of Scripture and to answer some questions.  I quickly went off to “my cabin” (I had worked at Sandy Cove as the nurse for two summers and this was where I had met my husband Brian and we had spent many evenings sitting on my cabin porch talking).  This was an extra special place and something very special took place that afternoon.  I don’t remember anything about the questions but the Scripture is now my favorite passage.  There was a lot of wrestling that afternoon in my heart and mind. 

The verses began in Philippians 4:4-9

“Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again:  REJOICE!” 

I read the first verse and couldn’t go any further.  How could I rejoice?  But Paul said it twice… seemingly for me… REJOICE!    After chuckling over this verse, I thought, let’s move on and get through the rest of this. 

“Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.”  

First, I was supposed to rejoice and then I was to be gentle?  Was I?  Remember: “The Lord is near.”  Was He?  I surely wasn’t feeling His presence!  Apparently I had pushed Him away ignoring His presence.  I just wanted to finish reading the Scripture. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. “ 

Don’t be anxious?  Yes, I was scared to death.  I wanted to have more children but I didn’t think I could handle the risk of another loss. 

“But in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.” 

As I thought through this, I realized God didn’t want me to be fearful, but IN everything to talk to Him, let Him know what I was thinking, feeling in a prayerful and pleading way to let HIM know!  Ok!  I thought I can do that…  Did you notice I skipped over a word?  Yes a BIG word.  It referred to the word rejoice!   I was to do this “with thanksgiving!”  

I pondered and re-read verses 4-6.   I began to see God’s command, God’s request, God’s hand, comfort and help for me in our situation. 

“Rejoice IN the Lord… (not in my circumstances),  Do not be anxious… (Trust Me he said), but IN everything, by prayer and petition, WITH thanksgiving, present your request to God.”  

And that afternoon, I did just that.  I fully opened my heart to the Lord by confessing my sin, my hurt, my anger. In those moments I intimately shared with Him my heart, my deepest desires, my desire to have more children and my willingness to yield to HIS plan--even if that didn’t include having more children.  I came to the point of laying it at Jesus’ feet!  Then I returned to the Scripture.   

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” 

That was it!   If I rejoiced, prayed, petitioned and presented these things to the Lord, I didn’t have to understand. I was made aware that it wasn’t my place to question the LORD who created the universe.  It was my responsibility to put into practice the challenge in verse 6.   As a result, the PEACE of God would guard my heart and mind even beyond my understanding.  Peace!   That’s what I so desperately needed and that is just what MY God promised that afternoon! 

I can honestly say that when I went home that weekend I was at peace.  I had worked through our back-to-back losses and the difficult reality that at the time we had more children in heaven than on earth.  My struggling with this was over and I was committed to God’s Word and trusting the Lord for our future.  It has been more than seven years since these difficult days and I ask “would I choose to go through that again?” Never!   However, I permitted the Lord to work and teach me. My experiences gave me an opportunity to connect with other women in a unique way who had also recently lost a baby.  Were these experiences a blessing?  YES, the LORD heard my cries of petition and He graciously blessed us with two little boys several years later.  It is obvious that I handled those pregnancies and the early days following their birth experiencing fatigue and sleeplessness with a different attitude than I did following the birth of our girls.  I have a grateful heart and a wonderful awe of these miracles the Lord had given us.  As a result, I can say that even if God had chosen not to allow us to have more children, I would say HE is a GREAT God, a FAITHFUL God!  To HIM be all praise, GLORY, and honor!