I love being a mother. I delighted in our children as they passed through the stages of childhood. As believing parents, we raised our family in a faith environment. We prayed earnestly for our children, prayed for their future mates, and prayed that they would grow up to love and serve the Lord.

Our own daughter deeply embraced faith as a child. What a thrill it was to watch her, as a young girl, read her Bible and keep a prayer journal. She was known for her vibrant faith, took several mission trips in high school, and displayed a tender heart for people. Our daughter’s crisis of faith began in her college years—and ended with a pregnancy outside of marriage and marriage to a nonbeliever.

Parents in Pain

Early in the crisis years, our family struggled in isolation—we hoped this problem would soon pass and things would be “back to normal”. Soon, we could not deny the deepening patterns of prodigal living. Yet, the news of our daughter’s pregnancy outside marriage was a swift and gut-wrenching blow. Our nice, neat family lay shattered at our feet. Feelings of anger, frustration, embarrassment, anxiety, and fear paralyzed us. At the same time we felt an enormous mental torrent of self-blame and guilt. There is a real sense in which their shame becomes our shame.

For months, afterward I dreaded going to church. I avoided talking to people because I did not want to answer questions about our situation. I felt judged and misunderstood. I felt self-conscious and empty. I wondered what happened to all those prayers I had prayed when our daughter was growing up.

Parents of prodigals are people in pain. What kinds of encouragement do parents in the middle of a crisis with a prodigal child need? Having a child walk away from faith can redefine the world of a family. It can consume a father or mother’s waking hours. A prodigal child can shake a family’s faith to bedrock.

Encouraging Parents in Pain

1. Parents of prodigals need a healthy perspective of grace — that all have sinned and that all are in need of Jesus Christ. The gospel not only saves us, but it also gives us power to live. My friends reminded me of God's grace in the following ways:

I received flowers at least three times in those early months. A friend dropped by on her way home from work with a sleeve of flowers. She said she thought of me as wanted to remind me she was praying. My cousin brought a bouquet of flowers over the day she found out about our daughter’s pregnancy.
Another friend mailed me encouraging cards periodically over the space of a year.

2. Parents of prodigals need support in their marriage. When living through a crisis, a husband and a wife have to pull together—but often find they are pulling apart. Husband and wife may have different approaches to dealing with the prodigal child; they may not be on the same page. Our marriage is still healing from the prodigal experience. We are re-learning how to meet each other's needs in light of our new reality. We have discovered how prideful and selfish we really were. We are becoming more loving, sensitive, and thoughtful in our marriage. Our friends supported our marriage in the following ways:

One couple took us out to dinner and just let us talk. I cried through the whole meal and never even got through my salad...but they listened, prayed, and paid for our meal!
Another couple that lived the experience of having two prodigal children had us over for dinner and shared words of wisdom about pulling together in the crisis.

3. Parents of prodigals need affirmation. We questioned our parenting skills and abilities. Feelings of shame and discouragement abound—but the most painful was a sense of profound failure.

One morning after church, a woman began talking to me about how public schools must have influenced our daughter and about her views of how we, as parents, failed to protect our daughter. She went on and on, and I wanted to simultaneously run, hide, and scream. Truly, parents of prodigals are their own worst critics. No help is needed in finding things that might have been done differently.

Truthful, sincere feedback was is salve on a wound. A younger woman in church wrote an amazing note telling us she admired us as parents. That note became precious to me. We were not perfect parents—but neither are any other parents. It was so easy to see only our mistakes and ignore all the right and good choices we made as parents.

4. Parents of prodigals need wisdom. It is hard to know what to say or not say, when to be part of a solution for our child, and when to back off and let God work.

One couple provided us with a healthy reflection of ourselves. They asked us "how are you doing" and would not take "fine" for an answer.

Another friend became my prayer partner. She honestly interceded for me and for my child.

Parents of Prodigals Need Hope

Finally, parents of prodigals need hope. God is a God of redemption. The father of the prodigal son never stopped looking for the son, and he prayed for him and even though that young man had squandered away his inheritance, lived a scandalous life, and ended up living with the pigs. In the same way, parents of a prodigal longingly watch for the return of the wandering child.

I found the most profound wisdom in the Word of God. I found comfort and hope in the redemptive purposes of God throughout the entire Bible. I pondered the sovereignty of God through character studies in the Old Testament.

One friend tucked a little scripture card into my mailbox at church every now and again for months. These encouraging words (Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 40:28-31, Isaiah 61:3) and many others buoyed me up.

The journey of having a prodigal child is most difficult. But it is also an incredible blessing. My pain over our daughter's choices is the same pain God feels when people turn from Him. My love for our daughter in the middle of her rejection of us is the same love God has for people who reject Him. God opened up my eyes to people who need Christ. He helped me understand His pursuit of us even when we were running hard from Him.

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