My parents passed on a strong work ethic.  I was taught that If I worked at something hard enough, I could accomplish whatever goals I set for myself.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

I shared my girlfriends’ daydreams about Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet and picking out names for my many future children, but I also wanted to be completely self-sufficient.  While I was in college, I met my Prince Charming, who shared many of my beliefs and goals.  We were both Christians, but spiritual things were not our priority.  We had a lovely wedding, and lived happily for several years chasing our dreams together.   I felt comfortable and satisfied that I had achieved a big part of my life plan.

When our daughter was born, I stayed home with her for almost 4 months, then went to work full-time.  I loved being a mother, but I also enjoyed my job, and my own mother was happy to provide childcare while I worked.  That year, I struggled with the conflict between my desire to be home with my daughter and my desire to work.  I quit my job and started a new one that would allow me to work a couple of days each week.  But somehow my well-planned life and belief that I could do anything if I worked hard enough started to unravel.
 
Before I became a mother, I was organized, dependable, efficient and productive.  My house was immaculate, and I arrived on time for activities.  I was involved in a lot of activities and did all of them well.  As a working mom, however, chaos reigned.  I rationalized my dual role drove my out of character behavior so by working less, I expected my life to go back to normal.  But it didn’t. 

Staying at home with my daughter was even more challenging.  Mail littered my counter tops, dirty dishes piled up in the sink and folded laundry never made it back into dresser drawers.  How could I have so much time and still not get these things done?  The more the unfinished tasks grew, the more I piled on the pressure to manage my home responsibilities better.  The more pressure I imposed on myself, the more I took out my frustration on our daughter.  The more she needed me, the less I could get done.  She responded to my frustration with more bad behavior (my definition of her interrupting my well-laid plans).  The more she misbehaved, the less I accomplished around our home. I was frequently annoyed with her, and my cross looks and unkind tone communicated my frustration.  I had forgotten my purpose.  And more importantly I had forgotten that raising a godly child required just as much if not more time than keeping a clean home. I loved my daughter, and I knew that I wasn’t showing her that love.  What was wrong with me?

Tremendous guilt grew in my soul and everywhere I looked I saw failure.  I was failing as a wife and failing as a mother.  It was a vicious cycle –frustration led to guilt and guilt  led to frustration.  More than once I sobbed in prayer, begging God to “fix me.”   When He didn’t answer that cry, I escaped by increasing my time at work.  I felt more in control and successful in my work. Things started settling down, and I was less frustrated.   Over the next several years our two sons were born.   I went back and forth working two days, three days, then four days each week, and ultimately ended up working full time.  Guilt and frustration continued to plague me but my success at work diminished their impact. 

My husband and I were on a spiritual roller-coaster, in and out of church.  God was not the center of our lives, and we both knew something just wasn’t right in our home.  My husband finally asked me to make a commitment with him to put God first.

Instead of finding relief in my relationship with the Lord, I felt an even greater burden to be a Godly mother.  In keeping with my commitment to put God first, I read books and tried to get tips from other Christian moms.  I was hesitant to share my struggles because I didn’t feel like others could identify with my feelings especially when some women told me that they were born to have babies.  I was fighting a losing battle. My core work ethic, that is, if I just tried hard enough, I could succeed at anything, wasn’t working.  No matter how hard I tried to change my behavior and my attitude, I failed.

In desperation to find peace in my soul, I prayed that God would show me the root of my problem, expecting to discover that I had a chemical imbalance or that I had tucked away some unknown childhood trauma.  Instead, He started showing me my selfishness.  I began to realize that I was putting myself before my husband and my children in a lot of ways, and suddenly my problem had a name….pride.  I was frustrated at home because I believed that my plans and my needs were more important than those of my children.   Even the notion that I could do something to change myself stemmed from pride.  I began studying humility and watching my actions for signs of selfishness. I began to redefine success.

Soon after I realized the depth of my sin, God gave me a verse that has helped me through the difficult times.  Proverbs 14:1 says, “A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears hers down with her own hands.”  I discovered that I have a choice to make each day.  I can encourage my children, by modeling love and grace, or I can discourage my children by behaving harshly, using critical words or judgmental looks.  I can build my house or I can tear it down.  I typed Proverbs 14:1 and put it into a frame that sits in my kitchen window reminding me daily of my choice. 
Some of the most essential tools for building my home include:

• Prayer.  I must stay close to the Lord.  I regularly ask Him to change my attitudes and behaviors as I learn how to reflect Christ in my interactions with our children and my husband.

• Time.  I am choosing to spend more quality time with our children and intentionally looking for opportunities to teach Biblical life lessons through every day life.  I ask myself, What activities rob me of time with my kids:  my cell phone,  Facebook,  work, self-imposed, unrealistic expectations?  (If you aren’t sure how to answer this question, track your time, that is, write down how you spend your minutes. You might be as surprised as I was.)

• Garments of Humility.  God is showing me how to put on the attitude of a servant and gladly serving my family.

• White Flag.  “I give up!” is my daily cry.  I give up trying to be a good mother in my own strength and throw myself at the feet of Jesus.

Struggling to be a “good mother” for my children over the past 10 years has shown me that I am completely helpless. I adore my children and I’m so thankful that they not only fill our home with opportunities of joy but they are the means by which God is answering my desire to be a godly woman.  God uses my children as spiritual sandpaper to teach me to depend on Him.  Through them God is teaching me to abide in Him, because apart from Him, I can do nothing.  When our children were born my priorities were out of order yet I still began thinking intentionally about leading my children to Jesus.  Ironically, He used them to drop me right at the foot of the cross.

Editors Note:  For more on parenting, read Teaching Them Young, The Hidden Treasures of the Proverbs by Chuck Betters