Woodmore Elementary School, Chattanooga, Valley of Tears
November 21, 2016, started like any other day for the children of Woodmore Elementary School. Parents placed their children on the school buses, trusting that this day would be like any other, the children would arrive safely. But for one busload of young children, a nightmare like no other carried their little bodies and hearts into the middle of a deep abyss of terror, sorrow, and death. Six children would die as a result of the gross negligence of the twenty-four year old bus driver and many others were hospitalized, some in critical condition. This was no nightmare. This was reality. And while the funerals begin and people speak of closure, there will be no closure for the families who lost their babies. The terror impact of this tragedy has an ever widening ripple effect that has created wounds only heaven can heal.
The City of Chattanooga is no stranger to terror and loss. In June, 2015, a tractor trailer slammed into traffic stopped for construction, killing six people, including two children. On July 16, 2015, a shooter sprayed bullets into two separate military facilities and killed five servicemen. Many living in Chattanooga may be wondering how much more they can handle. Yet, the community continues to pull together, meeting practical needs and extending compassion to those most visibly impacted by these horrific losses.
As a mother who has lost a son, I know this journey for the bereaved families is long and hard. The community will try hard to help, but the calling to go into the extreme grief journey with bereaved parents will fall on just a few. While the families are trying to navigate this foreign land of Grief, hundreds of students, teachers, First Responders and community leaders will try to get life "back to normal," knowing that normal has dramatically changed. Many will dig deep to find the energy, wisdom and compassion to not only try to make sense in their own hearts of this senseless act, but also try to help those most affected by the grief. Teachers are navigating the Land of Grief with their young students, most likely stuffing their own deep sorrow in an attempt to help their children grieve in a way that moves them forward. This is a monumental task.
A few weeks ago, I wrote
Townville Community - City of Tears
in response to the school shooting death of six-year-old Jacob Hall. As soon as I heard about the tragedy at Woodmore, I thought of Townville, but first came the memory of my own stunned grief when I learned of the death of our son, Mark. I remember the helpless despair, knowing we would never see, speak to or hug our son again. Without the widespread help of our community and the personal, intense help of a few, we would not have survived. And so I prayed that many will come alongside of these broken families, First Responders (FREE audio resource for First Responders)
First Responders: Help and Hope
and school children as they process and try to find that "new level of normal." Again, I share some of the helpful ways we can offer comfort to a grieving friend:
What can we do when faced with such grief, sorrow, devastation? I asked the same question in this post a few weeks ago,
Townville Community - City of Tears
People are often afraid to reach out to a shattered person because they don't know what to say or how to fix that person. There is great comfort in knowing our job is not to fix a shattered person. Our job is to offer help and hope that will help turn their hearts toward the Ultimate Comforter, our God. Living fearlessly in a fear-filled world requires a commitment to care about those around you. Here are some helpful ways to offer comfort to a grieving friend:
1. Each person's grief journey is unique. Their grief is their's. Don't tell them how to feel, how to act.
2. Say the loved one's name. You will not make things worse. I still tear up when someone mentions Mark. You are not making their grief worse. One of our greatest fears is that our loved one will be forgotten. Tell stories and ask the bereaved friend to share stories. Simple words like, "I miss him, too" will help carry the grief and never be forgotten.
2. Do not try to fix what cannot be fixed. This might seem like advice that communicates hopelessness, but in reality, it is comforting for a bereaved person to know they are with someone who recognizes the sorrow cannot be wiped away by human hands. This is also empowering to the encourager, to know that your job is to help turn their hearts toward the Only One Who can "fix them."
3. Be willing to absorb and watch your friend express unspeakable sorrow and anguish. This will be terrifying, but we need people who are willing to go into hell with us. Guard the privacy of your friend's private grief. Be a safe place for transparency.
4. Don't say, "Call me if you need me." Your friend will not call you. We don't have energy to even think about calling you. Anticipate needs that the bereaved person cannot identify. People just showed up for us and took care of practical things like watering plants, taking out the dog, etc., without asking.
5. Realize your grieving friend will most likely hurt your feelings, say things that are mean, forget to appreciate you. Don't take it personally. Grieving people can barely breathe, let alone cultivate a friendship. Grief is ugly and sometimes selfish. This is not about you. But, make sure you have friends who support you so that you can go into the darkness with your friend.
6. Give up needing to be the public "best friend" of the grieving person. Be willing to do the background work of life for them, such as practical ways to keep their household running: putting out the trash and bringing in the cans, walking the dog, watering the flowers, things they may never know you did but will make their life easier as they do the heavy lifting of grief work.
7. Check with your friend about tasks that seem mundane. Don't change the bedsheets or do the laundry or paint over the fingerprints on the wall without asking. These little things might have special meaning that cannot be replaced.
8. Don't take authority over big decisions that is not yours. Make sure the bereaved wants you to make decisions about their loved one (funeral arrangements, etc.). Are you beginning to see how complicated comfort can be? On the one hand a bereaved person needs friends to step in and take care of daily tasks, on the other hand, the bereaved person needs to feel in charge of decisions about their loved one. Follow your friend's lead, gently, carefully.
9. If you are close to your friend, with her permission, be a gatekeeper. Relay helpful information to friends, help visitors know to keep their visits short.
10. Show up and be dependable. Show up and unconditionally love the shattered person. Educate yourself on what your friend might be feeling and needing.
Perhaps most often forgotten are the siblings, grandparents, best friends, of the lost child. Consider how you can acknowledge their grief, in a way that recognizes the holes in their hearts as well.
Loss of a Loved One
My husband and I share our grief journey in an interview you can listen or download for free:
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Bereaved people often ask their families and friends to listen to this resource as a way to better understand what they are feeling and how their friends can help. I would love to hear from you, the reader, how people encouraged you, or how you encourage others.
Praying for Woodmore and the City of Chattagnooga.
Sharon Betters
MARKINC Ministries
www.markinc.org